nightmare01 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Why haven't you told your wife's parents that she's cheating? By the sound of it her parents may already know, and will protect their daughter. The PI is a good move - get the evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Why haven't you told your wife's parents that she's cheating? Turnera, Becuase her parents are very proper and I will not tell them unless it is a last resort. If I do divorce I will tell her parents and sisters as well as my family. If I find that there is a current affair I am not sure if I will do a full exposure. It really won't matter at that point becuase i will divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 So...if she's cheating NOW, you'll divorce but if she was cheating in the past and not now, you won't divorce? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Turnera, Becuase her parents are very proper and I will not tell them unless it is a last resort. If I do divorce I will tell her parents and sisters as well as my family. If I find that there is a current affair I am not sure if I will do a full exposure. It really won't matter at that point becuase i will divorce. IF there is a current A, even if you don't fully expose it, you may need to expose to OM's wife (if he has one if it isn't BFF's H) Or...as your gut tells you...the wife already knows and is in on it. Then expose to everyone just what they are. I'm wondering though, why would she go away with her parents, and take her bit on the side along? IF they know, why would they accept that? also taking along the other mans wife? AND the kids??!! Doesn't sit right. As for the VAR's...YES! Do it, you never know what you may learn, but be prepared for her to talk nasty about you, can you handle that? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 If there are lots of people at our house & I need to chat privately with my friend or H we go into our master bedroom or my craft room. Does your W have particular places she goes for 'talks' when you have a party? I've never had the opportunity to use recording devices & all that technological stuff. To be honest I didn't really know or think about it until I came to this forum & it was too late for me (affair over really). Before this happened to me I would of had moral issues recording & spying on my H. Now, I don't think so!?!? I felt so much better when I reached the angry stage! Do you? I look back at my journal & the first things I posted here & I feel so sorry for myself. I was such a broken mess. I still am a bit but HUGE life things have taken priority. I know I'm thinking logically now. Try not to go back to the insane, depressed, crazy denial stage if you can. I occasionally feel like I'm having a panic-attack still now but before it was almost 24/7. If you're like me your thinking will get smarter now. I'm lucky, I got angry AND got the final whole (mostly??) truth about the same time. I don't know if that was coincidence or if my anger scared him & got us to that place faster. Have you printed out things for her to read? It was so desperate for me when my H was still making me feel complicit in his actions. It will be better for you once she drops the excuses & being critical of you. I could find sanity once my H owned his behavior. I hope the same happens for you. This is the first whole week that I feel like I can breathe & think properly. It's so less exhausting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 All: If she is cheating now I'm done. On the past cheating I don't know what my feelings are on it. I am angry and hurt, I haven't made up my mind.she had better work hard if she wants to save us, so far she hasn't done anything. I will decide by this weekend wether I stay or leave. If we divorce her life style will change dramatically. I earn all of the money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 If there are lots of people at our house & I need to chat privately with my friend or H we go into our master bedroom or my craft room. Does your W have particular places she goes for 'talks' when you have a party? I've never had the opportunity to use recording devices & all that technological stuff. To be honest I didn't really know or think about it until I came to this forum & it was too late for me (affair over really). Before this happened to me I would of had moral issues recording & spying on my H. Now, I don't think so!?!? I felt so much better when I reached the angry stage! Do you? I look back at my journal & the first things I posted here & I feel so sorry for myself. I was such a broken mess. I still am a bit but HUGE life things have taken priority. I know I'm thinking logically now. Try not to go back to the insane, depressed, crazy denial stage if you can. I occasionally feel like I'm having a panic-attack still now but before it was almost 24/ If you're like me your thinking will get smarter now. I'm lucky, I got angry AND got the final whole (mostly??) truth about the same time. I don't know if that was coincidence or if my anger scared him & got us to that place faster. Have you printed out things for her to read? It was so desperate for me when my H was still making me feel complicit in his actions. It will be better for you once she drops the excuses & being critical of you. I could find sanity once my H owned his behavior. I hope the same happens for you. This is the first whole week that I feel like I can breathe & think properly. It's so less exhausting. Shattered Lady, This thread is my journal, yes I was a mess at the beginning and now I am angry. I am just thinking out loud and making sure that I do the right thing for myself and my family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Her continued anger at this stage is not the norm. She should be begging for another chance not fighting you trying to blame you for her infidelity. My guess is she has already rewritten your marriage, told her parents that you were cheating(probably kept a copy of coworkers text as proof) and may even have their blessing to divorce you if that is what she wants. I think she did a lot more than what she's confessed to and this is why she doesn't want you talking to the drug crazed ex friend Jill. She might of had a girl or threesome in there somewhere based on her history. Something similar happened to my friend N--L, they nicknamed his wife "The Hot Tub Whore." You are reaching the anger stage and this is normal but you need to control it. Doing crazy things in a rage can affect you when it comes to child custody. She may be purposely pushing your buttons to get a rage reaction from you. If she is hiding a lot more infidelity from you she may have already decided divorcing you without exposure is her best bet because you'll probably divorce her when you hear the truth anyway and she keeps her Madonna image intact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Alive, Yes I have hit the anger stage and I do have a temper, it takes a great deal for me to loose it. I will be extremely careful to keep it in check. S2B, I will make my Wife treat me well either by Divorcing her or making her see the light. This whole thing is exhausting. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Will you share more about her "Accident" that she's getting a settlement for? Is she suffering with pain? Is she on medications? I know a lot about these things & it could be very relevant to her past, present & future behavior. It could also effect how & when you should talk to her. Was it a very physically and/or emotionally traumatic accident? When did it happen in relation to all the 'stuff' that's been going on? I've reached the stage that I'm finding everything REALLY exhausting too. I know I need to start doing something for myself. Exercise, yoga (I'm a bit limited because of my spine degeneration) meditation? Music therapy? Medications (I'm taking antidepressants/stress meds). Have you thought of any of those kind of things? Living in this constant state of insane stress must be terrible for our physical & mental health. I've got other major health problems. It's all starting to really worry me. The anger stage is much better for me than the previous crazy depression, confusion, panic-attack type feelings but I'm not sure rage is any healthier. Obviously, in life I'd heard about these things happening to other people. I never imagined how terrible it is. There just aren't enough words to describe it. It's all consuming. It's just profoundly sad that life can be like this. I'm tired. I just want the world to be different. I want my innocence back. Reality sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Me bojangles because I have 22 years and three children invested with her. I just need to give my children this so that O can say that I gave this second chance 100%. This is faulty logic and you know it.. Take your time to digest the situation and do what you want to do. Marriage requires two willing people. When she cheated, she took it out of your hands. It is no longer just up to you. Remember, how she reacted when you did not know. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Turnera, Becuase her parents are very proper and I will not tell them unless it is a last resort. If I do divorce I will tell her parents and sisters as well as my family. If I find that there is a current affair I am not sure if I will do a full exposure. It really won't matter at that point becuase i will divorce. I see you changing the goalposts quite a bit on what you'll divorce her over. A good mom doesn't jeopardise the security of her children by having an affair that could lead to divorce. For the child that means not seeing both parents everyday and being shuttled between two homes. The fallout sometimes leading to a drop in grades, kids lashing out, kids feeling depressed and in many cases they're affected financially. The actions of cheating affect the child too and they are also betrayed in their own way. When your child needs therapy because your cheating has resulted in a family split, you aren't a good parent. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) All: I am slowly coming to terms with the end of my marriage, I give us a 20/80 chance, I will tell the WW on Friday or Saturday of my decision. She is unaware that I am even this far along from the nuclear option. Don't tell her, have her served. Edited August 31, 2015 by Morro72 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) All: I am still in full 180 mode and she is starting tobreak, but she is too stubborn to admit her being fully responsible for the affair. She came to me last night and told me that she knows that she loves memore than I love her and that is something she has to deal with, but she doesn’t want us to end our marriage. We are still sleeping separately and I am making myself scarce. She is extremely jealous that I continue to be a gym rat and shetold me that she is afraid that I am going to start cheating on her. I didn’t respond to her, I did listen and I told her that this is all from her guilt. Shattered Lady, My WW was involved in a major auto accident just after the hot tub incident when she was stopped at a red light and struck head-onby a texting driver. She suffered major head and neck trauma as a result. I putbehind my hurt to care for my spouse and the Mother of my children. Now thatshe is better her past actions are triggering me. I guess that I did a poor jobon laying out the facts on this thread. WW was unable to care for herself or children for at least a year and unable to drive a car for about 18 months.During this time I kept my mouth shut and did the right thing for my family, Ijust feel that I must now address this infidelity. All: I know that I seem all over the board on what myborders are and what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. I am using this threadto think out loud, and I do not believe that I will be able to get over this. My children are my world and I ama doting Father to them. I have never been much of a disciplinarian this isalso a point of marital difficulty for us. I know that this is due to my upbringing I have a tendency to spoil my children, not just mine but pretty much all of them. I have always been the favorite Uncle to my nephews and nieces Edited August 31, 2015 by Bigdaddyt Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Her continued anger at this stage is not the norm. She should be begging for another chance not fighting you trying to blame you for her infidelity. My guess is she has already rewritten your marriage, told her parents that you were cheating(probably kept a copy of coworkers text as proof) and may even have their blessing to divorce you if that is what she wants. I think she did a lot more than what she's confessed to and this is why she doesn't want you talking to the drug crazed ex friend Jill. She might of had a girl or threesome in there somewhere based on her history. Something similar happened to my friend N--L, they nicknamed his wife "The Hot Tub Whore." You are reaching the anger stage and this is normal but you need to control it. Doing crazy things in a rage can affect you when it comes to child custody. She may be purposely pushing your buttons to get a rage reaction from you. If she is hiding a lot more infidelity from you she may have already decided divorcing you without exposure is her best bet because you'll probably divorce her when you hear the truth anyway and she keeps her Madonna image intact. Alive, I just don't know what is bad behavior and what is driven by her injuries. Her doctor and lawyer both told me that 50% of all TBI spouses divorce due to the changes in the spouse personality. Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 She came to me last night and told me that she knows that she loves me more than I love her and that is something she has to deal with, but she doesn’t want us to end our marriage. We are still sleeping separately and I am making myself scarce. She is extremely jealous that I continue to be a gym rat and shetold me that she is afraid that I am going to start cheating on her. I didn’t respond to her, I did listen and I told her that this is all from her guilt. That's good the 180 is working. Of course she says she loves you.....now she is facing losing you. She doesn't want her comfy life to end. Good job with the gym, keep it up. Her jealousy is not your concern. She's getting a small dose of what she gave you. She's worried in case YOU cheat, that's rich. Great you didn't rise to her baiting you, the simple short conversations will drive her nuts. Is she still going ahead with this planned stay with the parents, suspected OM, OM's wife and kids? If it was her and the kids with parents fair enough, but the friends going?? Still doesn't sit right with me. If my marriage was crumbling around me I wouldn't up and off like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Her doctor and lawyer both told me that 50% of all TBI spouses divorce due to the changes in the spouse personality. She was up to no good BEFORE the accident right? That's no excuse on her part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Celestial, she is definitely feeling the strain from the 180; she did apologize again last night about her running around with Jill and she knows that she seriously hurt me. I told her that I was also sorry for everything that I did or didn't do that damaged our marriage, but I take no responsibility for her cheating. Yes, she is going for the week with her parents and BFFs family. I need this break, I am close to bailing and I know that she suspects it. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 BDT I think your wife truly believed you were cheating. Your only crime was not to discuss the work associates email with her, her crime was to not come to you and talk to you about her concerns and then instead used that information to justify cheating on you. She is now bringing up everything you ever did wrong in your marriage and placing some imaginary value on it in order to minimize what it is she has done to you. By doing this she wants you to believe that your lucky that all she did was bang a few people for a year or two(who knows what the truth is?) and you should count your lucky stars she's still here and didn't divorce you. This doesn't sound like two years of independent counselling this sounds like the counsellor doesn't know about her infidelity and was treating her for something else, maybe her accident trauma. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 I do not know what I need from her to stop this train wreck. I guess that I need to see true remorse and her giving me everything that she has to save us. I am just exhausted from the last few years of supporting her and getting nothing in return. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, I fully agree, I told her last night that I was sorry that I didn't tell her about the coworker but I have excellent boundaries and would never cheat. She absolutely hated me saying this. WW did tell me about a year ago that her counselor told her that she should leave me. I was surprised and I asked her why, she said it was over the coworker and all of the female friends that I have. I believe she told her counselor what she wanted to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I do not know what I need from her to stop this train wreck. I guess that I need to see true remorse and her giving me everything that she has to save us. I am just exhausted from the last few years of supporting her and getting nothing in return. Some women come at you acting crazy as your wife has when they are really afraid and don't know how to handle it or what to do get out of it. It may be her way of dealing with something that completely overwhelms her, specially if she's used to being in control. Have you seen this from her before? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, I truly believe that her motivation now is financial her OM does have a pot to piss in and I probably make six times what he does per year . Perhaps I am wrong, but think that she is starting to realize how things are going to change. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, I fully agree, I told her last night that I was sorry that I didn't tell her about the coworker but I have excellent boundaries and would never cheat. She absolutely hated me saying this. WW did tell me about a year ago that her counselor told her that she should leave me. I was surprised and I asked her why, she said it was over the coworker and all of the female friends that I have. I believe she told her counselor what she wanted to believe. Again, my guess is the councillor doesn't have all the truth about your wife's cheating and is giving her advice based on what your wife has told her councillor. Remember, people that cheat are the most jealous people on the planet, their thinking is skewed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, you are correct that my wife is basically freaking out over this. I have always been a great provider and take care of everything . My wife lived a very good life style with very little responsibility . she just doesn't have the emotional tools or capacity to fix what she broke. Link to post Share on other sites
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