aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, I truly believe that her motivation now is financial her OM does have a pot to piss in and I probably make six times what he does per year . Perhaps I am wrong, but think that she is starting to realize how things are going to change. BDT, if you are right than that's not a reason to save a broken marriage. All that would do is allow her the lifestyle she likes until she finds a more suitable O/M. It is very common that wayward spouses affair down. They are broken so they look for someone with more problems than themselves so they can feel better about their problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, I know that she was crazy jealous , I just didn't realize what was driving it at the time.she keeps telling me to just forget about the past and let's move forward. I don't think that I can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, this is my deleima I was hoping that she would find herself to fix us. I am very giving but I am all given out at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, I know that she was crazy jealous , I just didn't realize what was driving it at the time.she keeps telling me to just forget about the past and let's move forward. I don't think that I can. Rug sweeping won't protect you in the future, it will just get you more of what she's given you because you didn't fix what was broken that caused her to stray. No, she needs to take ownership and do the hard work to change her coping mechanism. She needs to honour boundaries and stop looking to other men for her validation. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 You are playing too many games IMHO. Like you referred to above, ONLY the dots of truth on your timeline will allow you to begin assembling this together. She is perfectly fine emotionally if she is gas lighting you. Ask her for a written timeline or that you will divorce her. Do this within the context of the 180 - you are merely stating a simple fact that you need all of the truth to remain in the marriage. Period. This is not controversial and is just stating fact -- don't be afraid of it. Then start by doing two things: - gathering facts. * Speak to Jill. Just go there the second that you read this. Get it all on VAR. * Does she text enough that forensic recovery of her texts would be worth it? * schedule a polygraph for 24 hours after you get the timeline. * Your idea of a PI to follow them around is tremendous - Protecting yourself legally * Keep a VAR on you at all times. SHE IS NOT STABLE AND UNDER NEGATIVE INFLUENCES * Keep engaged with the lawyer. Do precisely what he or she suggests. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, I believe that when she returns that I am going to put everything on the line and hold nothing back. I will basically give her a ultamatum to fix herself and marriage or D. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 You are playing too many games IMHO. Like you referred to above, ONLY the dots of truth on your timeline will allow you to begin assembling this together. She is perfectly fine emotionally if she is gas lighting you. Ask her for a written timeline or that you will divorce her. Do this within the context of the 180 - you are merely stating a simple fact that you need all of the truth to remain in the marriage. Period. This is not controversial and is just stating fact -- don't be afraid of it. Then start by doing two things: - gathering facts. * Speak to Jill. Just go there the second that you read this. Get it all on VAR. * Does she text enough that forensic recovery of her texts would be worth it? * schedule a polygraph for 24 hours after you get the timeline. * Your idea of a PI to follow them around is tremendous - Protecting yourself legally * Keep a VAR on you at all times. SHE IS NOT STABLE AND UNDER NEGATIVE INFLUENCES * Keep engaged with the lawyer. Do precisely what he or she suggests. Funny, I was just amending my post to include a written timeline listing all events from start to finish but eric1 beat me to it. This is very good advice BDT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Eric, I have protected myself and I am prepared for the worst possible outcome. I will not allow anything to be rug swept or hidden I must have full disclosure to move forward. I am too sharp to not be her top priority in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, you are correct that my wife is basically freaking out over this. I have always been a great provider and take care of everything . My wife lived a very good life style with very little responsibility . she just doesn't have the emotional tools or capacity to fix what she broke. Maybe I am just being stupid, maybe she just doesn't want to put in the work. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Eric, I have protected myself and I am prepared for the worst possible outcome. I will not allow anything to be rug swept or hidden I must have full disclosure to move forward. I am too sharp to not be her top priority in life. In that case I would respectfully suggest pushing for the timeline ASAP. In my opinion you're placing too much of an emphasis on her mental state. Over the past five years she's been mentally capable of having a relationship with a boyfriend and gas lighting you, she should be mentally capable enough to spend an hour or two writing down exactly what happened. You cannot take the next step without this. Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm getting this now, not sticking up for your wife one bit, but I can see where she got her justification from, albeit wrongly. She knows your an attractive man, she couldn't believe her luck in having you. She knows you could probably have any woman you want. She knew you would be getting attention. For some women, they feel threatened by ANY attention another woman is giving her man, be it from a friend or co-worker. Now to her, your not telling her about the co-worker sent her into meltdown, and instead of talking to you about it, she hid it where it festered into a sordid affair (in her mind) Have you always made her feel that she is the only one for you? No other woman comes close to her? Or, have you ever played on her jealousy in anyway? She has a major problem with it, have her past relationships been bad? She had seen how easy it was to cheat via her *friends* she probably thought it was that easy for you. It's hard to explain, but sometimes people can't believe what they have, and they set out to destroy it just to prove then never deserved it...if you can understand that? Odd logic I know but it happens. Does your wife easily talk about how she feels? (other than anger recently, which she is angry with herself, not you) Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 BDT, ask her to write out the timeline the week that she is away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Eric, I am going to do my final Come to Jesus meeting with her upon her return from her trip . I will ask for a timeline and complete disclosure. I am growing very tired of this situation . I will hold nothing back and tell her what I need to reconcile she will have to make her choice immediately or I am done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'm getting this now, not sticking up for your wife one bit, but I can see where she got her justification from, albeit wrongly. She knows your an attractive man, she couldn't believe her luck in having you. She knows you could probably have any woman you want. She knew you would be getting attention. For some women, they feel threatened by ANY attention another woman is giving her man, be it from a friend or co-worker. Now to her, your not telling her about the co-worker sent her into meltdown, and instead of talking to you about it, she hid it where it festered into a sordid affair (in her mind) Have you always made her feel that she is the only one for you? No other woman comes close to her? Or, have you ever played on her jealousy in anyway? She has a major problem with it, have her past relationships been bad? She had seen how easy it was to cheat via her *friends* she probably thought it was that easy for you. It's hard to explain, but sometimes people can't believe what they have, and they set out to destroy it just to prove then never deserved it...if you can understand that? Odd logic I know but it happens. Does your wife easily talk about how she feels? (other than anger recently, which she is angry with herself, not you) Celestial , You are probably right my WW is somewhat neurotic in that she makes herself worry about things that are really nothing. I should have been more sympathetic to her insecurities and I should have given her a complete disclosure about the coworker. That said I believe that loyalty is the greatest gift that a spouse can give the other. I never broke that gift. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, you are correct that my wife is basically freaking out over this. I have always been a great provider and take care of everything . My wife lived a very good life style with very little responsibility . she just doesn't have the emotional tools or capacity to fix what she broke.Nonsense. She just never needed them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Nonsense. She just never needed them. Turnera, perhaps you are right, I am going to bring all of this to a head when she returns . She has been texting me today saying how much she loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I disagree with waiting to receive the timeline. If she's texting you about how much she loves you then this seems like the perfect time to jump in and ask for some assurance of her love. And her doing this while she's away gives her an opportune time to do this, being physically away from her will give her some mental and emotional distance from the problem at hand. All you're doing is prolonging the pain man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Celestial , You are probably right my WW is somewhat neurotic in that she makes herself worry about things that are really nothing. I should have been more sympathetic to her insecurities and I should have given her a complete disclosure about the coworker. That said I believe that loyalty is the greatest gift that a spouse can give the other. I never broke that gift. Cheating is the greatest form of disrespect one spouse can show another. That is one thing the Catholic Church will allow you to divorce over. You need to out the other man, as long as she and he have secrets that you are not party to she is still picking him over you and you need to make that point clear to her. She can not contact him directly or through one of her girlfriends to let him know you know. He will need to be exposed to his wife/girlfriend if he has one, just don't tell your wife your going to do this because she will try to warn him. This is her chance to prove her commitment to you, lying, withholding information, omissions will be a detriment to the survival of your marriage and your family as it now exists. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Eric, I truly understand this, I have made my plan and if she calls me and asks me what I need to fix us I will tell her. If not my CTJM will put it all out there for her in no uncertain terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 [/b] Cheating is the greatest form of disrespect one spouse can show another. That is one thing the Catholic Church will allow you to divorce over. You need to out the other man, as long as she and he have secrets that you are not party to she is still picking him over you and you need to make that point clear to her. She can not contact him directly or through one of her girlfriends to let him know you know. He will need to be exposed to his wife/girlfriend if he has one, just don't tell your wife your going to do this because she will try to warn him. This is her chance to prove her commitment to you, lying, withholding information, omissions will be a detriment to the survival of your marriage and your family as it now exists. Alive, there is no question that she has totally disrespected me over this BS and the more I think about it the angrier I get. I will have total disclosure or I will D. I have moved beyond the initial shock phase. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Turnera, perhaps you are right, I am going to bring all of this to a head when she returns . She has been texting me today saying how much she loves me. Texts and words come easily from someone used to lying. Believe only her actions, everything else is B/S. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, WW has been calling and texting me non stop telling me she wants a chance and she thanked me for giving her and the children such a good life. I didn't take her phone calls let them go to VM and I texted her back to tell her that her actions had to match her words and we will talk when she gets back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Good for you, she see's the change and the new strength in you and she is very scared of what her new life might look like. Take this time to establish your demands for reconciliation, have them ready for her return. Demand full transparency and the absolute truth because until you have these there is no moving forward. Second chances shouldn't be expected their earned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Alive, I will post my demands before I confront her I honestly don't know what the outcome will be, but I am taking back control of my life regardless, Thankyou for your continued support. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) #1. I have always been a great provider and takecare of everything. My wife lived a very good life style with very littleresponsibility. #2 She has been texting me today saying how much she loves me. I think #1 has a lot to do with #2. In the past you had very little power because you gave into her so she wouldn’t get mad (i.e. verbal abuse). She basically got all she wanted for free. When the $hit started to hit the fan she used her old tried and true technique (verbal abuse). There is an old saying: “When all you have is a hammer all the world looks like a nail.” When her hammer stopped working she freaked out. Now she has to try something different. You need to realize that you have eminence power over her future lifestyle and reputation. You basically have a magic wand that only you can wield. If you R she not only gains the obvious. If you forgive her (as the most injured party) everyone else (friends and family) will feel pressure to forgive her. How can they hold a grudge if you don't? You are like a priest that can absolve her sins. Also even if you divorce she will want to be best friends. If you are seen being friendly then everyone seeing this will assume that want she did must not have been so bad. Bottom line is that you have a lot of power over her now because her fits stopped working. Her continued anger at this stageis not the norm. She should be begging for another chance not fighting youtrying to blame you for her infidelity. My guess is she has already rewritten our marriage, told her parents that you were cheating (probably kept a copy of coworkers text as proof) and may even have their blessing to divorce you if that is what she wants. I think she did a lot more than what she's confessed to and this is why she doesn't want you talking to the drug crazed ex friend Jill. She might of had a girl or threesome in there somewhere based on her history. Something similar happened to my friend N--L, they nicknamed his wife "The Hot Tub Whore." You are reaching the anger stage and this is normal but you need to control it. Doing crazy things in a rage can affect you when it comes to child custody. She may be purposely pushing your buttons to get a ragereaction from you. If she is hiding a lot more infidelity from you she may have already decided divorcing you without exposure is her best bet because you'll probably divorce her when you hear the truth anyway and she keeps her Madonna intact. The above is pure gold. Pay attention. Edited August 31, 2015 by Buckeye2 Link to post Share on other sites
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