aliveagain Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Stay strong, your are in the right she is in the wrong and the onus is on her to prove by her actions and not her flapping mouth that she deserves another chance. Let her know that you are undecided about staying or leaving and that a lot is dependant on her actions now. You can even tell her you've already met with a lawyer and are processing what he has told you but you wanted to give her one last chance to tell you all the truth before you chose your path. She needs to be very accurate about what she tells you because any lies, omissions or partial truths will be seen by you as her choosing to protect the other man/men over you. There will be no rug sweeping, you want every detail regardless how painful it is to say or to hear. Let her know that after tonight she is free to date other men if that is what she wants, just not as your wife. Remind her that the "going back to the way things were can never happen because the way things were included infidelity and one way or another your removing yourself from infidelity tonight. Then let her talk, make sure you have your VAR on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 My only suggestion is your don't mention Jill or Jack. If your wife does, don't signal anything. Your sources are yours and if she is hiding something her main goal will be to find out where you are looking. Cheaters only tell you what they think you already know. So if you're manuevering a boatload behind the scenes, it'll make her go crazy nuts. Assuming she is lying. Just 180 it. If she says "were you going out with Jack" just say "I am planning on going out". Eric, I am not going to mention Jack or Jill , I just have the sinking feeling that my WW has too much information on what I am doing. I wonder what else she cloned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Stay strong, your are in the right she is in the wrong and the onus is on her to prove by her actions and not her flapping mouth that she deserves another chance. Let her know that you are undecided about staying or leaving and that a lot is dependant on her actions now. You can even tell her you've already met with a lawyer and are processing what he has told you but you wanted to give her one last chance to tell you all the truth before you chose your path. She needs to be very accurate about what she tells you because any lies, omissions or partial truths will be seen by you as her choosing to protect the other man/men over you. There will be no rug sweeping, you want every detail regardless how painful it is to say or to hear. Let her know that after tonight she is free to date other men if that is what she wants, just not as your wife. Remind her that the "going back to the way things were can never happen because the way things were included infidelity and one way or another your removing yourself from infidelity tonight. Then let her talk, make sure you have your VAR on you. Alive, I will stay strong and expect the unexpected . I am going to listen then lay it all out for her on what I do know and suspect. I am going to mention the lawyer and maybe the PI. I just need this drama to end one way or another. Sorry that I spassed for a minute. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 BDT, do not reveal your sources and do not say anything about the PI because she will change her behaviour. Let the PI do his thing for a while and see what he digs up. Could she have access to your passwords, is it possible she has a keylogger on your computer? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 BDT, do not reveal your sources and do not say anything about the PI because she will change her behaviour. Let the PI do his thing for a while and see what he digs up. Could she have access to your passwords, is it possible she has a keylogger on your computer? WOW, didn't think about it she is probably reading your posts here. I hope not Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 BDT, do not reveal your sources and do not say anything about the PI because she will change her behaviour. Let the PI do his thing for a while and see what he digs up. Could she have access to your passwords, is it possible she has a keylogger on your computer? Alive, I will keep my sources secret, I don't use the home computer at all except for our banking . I use my iPhone or my work laptop. I am still planning on this being a final confrontation between us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 WOW, didn't think about it she is probably reading your posts here. I hope not Qubist, I hope not as well. My wife is crazy smart, smarter than I am. I wouldn't put it past her to clone my phone. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Just how long did she say she cheated, I don't think I read that anywhere? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Alive she didn't give me particulars about the A she said it lasted a few months and that it was a horrible mistake. I will ask for a time line with as much detail as possible . This will be required if we are to R. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 (edited) She told me that she is moving back into the bedroom tonight and she is going to get us back to where we should be as a married couple. Translation: I'm going to use Woman's #1 Tool In Her Arsenal to get back in control of this marriage: I'm going to screw your brains out til you're begging me to forget about the affair just so you can keep getting THIS. If you DO succumb, make sure you inform her that you appreciate the sex, but it has not changed your mind about your plans. Here's a starter list for what you will demand from her JUST SO that you will be willing to CONSIDER giving her a second chance: Written out timeline of every instance of cheating - with EVERY man she's ever cheated with. And if you find ONE inconsistency or ommission, you go straight to divorce. She goes straight to your folks and tells them what she did and asks for their forgiveness for hurting their son. She gives you all passwords to all electronics. She hands over her electronics any time you ask for them - without one word. She finds, arranges for, and attends MC with you until you feel it's no longer needed. She controls any anger, annoyance, or impatience at the speed at which you go through this betrayal; you never hear the words 'just get over it.' She stays out of your bedroom unless you invite her. She finds a lawyer and makes an appointment for the two of you to go get a postnup agreement stating that if she is caught cheating again, you divorce her and she walks away with nothing. She gives up any friends who helped her cheat on you. She gives you the name and phone number and address of the OM; just in case you feel a need to check up on her. Optional: She takes a polygraph. Make it clear to her that if she balks at any of this - or changes midstream, you will assume she is only sorry she got caught and you have no use for her. Edited September 1, 2015 by turnera 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Eric, I don't know if her actions are manipulative or just desperate . I don't want to turn off my phone because of my children . Manipulation is usually very subtle - in fact your WW may not even know that what she is doing is trying to manipule you. Right now she's in panic mode - as you said, desperate - and that will drive her to do pretty much anything to try to make you forget all of this and get back to "normal". She'll tell you anything - except any truth about the affair that you don't already know - and that's manipulation. Most WW's will use tears and promises and sex to try to get their BH's to just let go of their cheating. You are seeing it now so just be forewarned that it is very likely just her desperation to make you "excuse" what she did. Right now she isn't giving the slightest thought to your feelings and your personal recovery. She's too busy trying to gaslight you and get you to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 No matter what happens, make it clear to her you may move on tomorrow, you may move on next year, you may move on in 10 years; that you reserve the right to that option. Cheaters will often push you to give a 'promise' that you won't dump them. Just remember, you don't have to promise her ANYthing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Translation: I'm going to use Woman's #1 Tool In Her Arsenal to get back in control of this marriage: I'm going to screw your brains out til you're begging me to forget about the affair just so you can keep getting THIS. If you DO succumb, make sure you inform her that you appreciate the sex, but it has not changed your mind about your plans. Here's a starter list for what you will demand from her JUST SO that you will be willing to CONSIDER giving her a second chance: Written out timeline of every instance of cheating - with EVERY man she's ever cheated with. And if you find ONE inconsistency or ommission, you go straight to divorce. She goes straight to your folks and tells them what she did and asks for their forgiveness for hurting their son. She gives you all passwords to all electronics. She hands over her electronics any time you ask for them - without one word. She finds, arranges for, and attends MC with you until you feel it's no longer needed. She controls any anger, annoyance, or impatience at the speed at which you go through this betrayal; you never hear the words 'just get over it.' She stays out of your bedroom unless you invite her. She finds a lawyer and makes an appointment for the two of you to go get a postnup agreement stating that if she is caught cheating again, you divorce her and she walks away with nothing. She gives up any friends who helped her cheat on you. She gives you the name and phone number and address of the OM; just in case you feel a need to check up on her. Optional: She takes a polygraph. Make it clear to her that if she balks at any of this - or changes midstream, you will assume she is only sorry she got caught and you have no use for her. Tunera, I am well aware of this and she has used sex as a tool to manipulate me in the past and I have posted that on this thread. I agree with most of your terms that you listed here for R. I am prepared to D but honestly I don't want to . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Manipulation is usually very subtle - in fact your WW may not even know that what she is doing is trying to manipule you. Right now she's in panic mode - as you said, desperate - and that will drive her to do pretty much anything to try to make you forget all of this and get back to "normal". She'll tell you anything - except any truth about the affair that you don't already know - and that's manipulation. Most WW's will use tears and promises and sex to try to get their BH's to just let go of their cheating. You are seeing it now so just be forewarned that it is very likely just her desperation to make you "excuse" what she did. Right now she isn't giving the slightest thought to your feelings and your personal recovery. She's too busy trying to gaslight you and get you to move on. Drifter, I know her well and she is in absolute panic mode, both of her girlfriends that divorced lost everything and their lives are pretty much in ruin. She would just be the third amigo to fall. With all my baggage, I know that I am a good catch, she will not find a replacement like me and I know that she knows this. Jack never remarried but has a younger girlfriend and Jill is alone. No good man will take a cheater into a serious relationship . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 No matter what happens, make it clear to her you may move on tomorrow, you may move on next year, you may move on in 10 years; that you reserve the right to that option. Cheaters will often push you to give a 'promise' that you won't dump them. Just remember, you don't have to promise her ANYthing. Tunera, I do like this thought the best and will use this tonight. I am going to work tonight until7:00pm then go home and talk to the WW. I will update the details tomorrow . Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Tunera, I am well aware of this and she has used sex as a tool to manipulate me in the past and I have posted that on this thread. I agree with most of your terms that you listed here for R. I am prepared to D but honestly I don't want to . But I think you have to move forward with the divorce in order to help you heal. If you decide to try to reconcile then you just halt the divorce proceedings. Honestly, pretty much every day that you maintain no contact with her reduces the probability of reconciling. You learn that you can live without her - that you two weren't all that happy to begin with. Many men find this liberating and gain the resolve to walk away for good. If that happens for you than congratulations. If you decide to try to reconcile than congratulations. Either way you are taking action to help your recovery and she now has to react to you. You'll find strength taking this path. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'd be wanting to lay formal divorce papers on the table so she knows you're well prepared to divorce her at any moment. She can sit with that thought of having her kids 50% of the time and a monthly budget of money with a change in lifestyle. You need to show her that you can take action to change her lifestyle quickly if she doesn't begin taking responsibility for her bad behavior, stop blaming you or anyone else and do anything you require to offer you honesty and peace of mind. A polygraph should be a requirement since she's not an honest gal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 But I think you have to move forward with the divorce in order to help you heal. If you decide to try to reconcile then you just halt the divorce proceedings. Honestly, pretty much every day that you maintain no contact with her reduces the probability of reconciling. You learn that you can live without her - that you two weren't all that happy to begin with. Many men find this liberating and gain the resolve to walk away for good. If that happens for you than congratulations. If you decide to try to reconcile than congratulations. Either way you are taking action to help your recovery and she now has to react to you. You'll find strength taking this path. Drifter, I do understand this but I will wait until we speak tonight if she blame shifts or gaslights me then I will have her served to either snap her out of this or so that I can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 You still meeting with Jack tonight? I hope you aren't adjusting your schedule just because she says she is home now. In fact, go! And arrive home late...and don't explain anything about where you've been. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'd be wanting to lay formal divorce papers on the table so she knows you're well prepared to divorce her at any moment. She can sit with that thought of having her kids 50% of the time and a monthly budget of money with a change in lifestyle. You need to show her that you can take action to change her lifestyle quickly if she doesn't begin taking responsibility for her bad behavior, stop blaming you or anyone else and do anything you require to offer you honesty and peace of mind. A polygraph should be a requirement since she's not an honest gal. S2B, I do believe that this is what is killing her the most. She doesn't want to be known as a cheater or a liar. IHer two girlfriends are basically outcasts in our community and she would not want to be seen as one of these two. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 You still meeting with Jack tonight? I hope you aren't adjusting your schedule just because she says she is home now. In fact, go! And arrive home late...and don't explain anything about where you've been. I told jack that I would meet him at a local pub around 7:30, I will reach out to him to determine if he will be there. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Drifter, I do understand this but I will wait until we speak tonight if she blame shifts or gaslights me then I will have her served to either snap her out of this or so that I can move on. I have to warn you that if your goal is to "snap her out of it" then the 180 may not do it. You have to be committed to divorcing her. So committed that even if she does "snap out of it" you are not likely to reconsider. If you don't honestly feel this way then you are bluffing and she'll smell it on you. You have to have both feet out the door before she will realize you mean business. Maybe she says "oh well" at that point or maybe she comes crawling back to you begging for another chance. Whether you decide to give her that 2nd chance is up to you but, either way, you are taking care of yourself. You say you understand this but I don't think you are committed enough at this point. I hope the "soft 180" works for you. Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Are you checking her call/text records online? Easy to find out who she's communicating with there!!! Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 BDT, you know what you need to stay safe, don't compromise your boundaries. Your always strongest at time of confrontation. Your wife doesn't want to be known as a cheater or an outcast like her two cheating friends. But she is a cheater and unless she can find a way to unfu*k herself that won't change. She chose these two out of all the other mothers in the group to associate with, wonder why? Like minds think alike I guess. If you do decide to give her another chance, make her do the work. Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 I realized tonight that I really control everything in this new relationship and will make all the decisions going forward. I don't think you are in a position to make a proper call et. R or D, take som time off. Link to post Share on other sites
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