Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

I'm glad you're staying strong enough to resist her manipulation.

 

I wish you'd tell her to STFU when she yells at you!!! How dare she yell at you for anything right now! It's more manipulation to turn the focus onto YOU instead of HER.

 

It's mean! Stop allowing it! It allows her to think she's in charge! Just stop allowing her to even raise her voice when in your presence.

 

You've trained her that it is acceptable - now train her that it's completely unacceptable.

 

When she has something to say - make her wait until she no longer will raise her voice to you. And YOUR behavior and accountability for time is not to be discussed... At least UNTIL she calmly gives you a COMPLETE timeline for the past ten years of HER accountability; including her truth.

 

She's gas lighting you big time. She's still trying to control and manipulate you into submission.

 

Do not do it!

 

 

In fact, I'd demand that she move out TODAY! No one needs that in the home! You will be capable of collecting your thoughts clearly and without her gas lighting if she's gone for a long while. Send her away.

 

S2B, I am pushing back on her for all of the yelling and verbal abuse. It is funny that when I raise my voice back at her she gets all indignant and tells me to stop yelling at her. I am thinking about getting my own place, because I don't want to be unprepared and homeless. Jack got kicked out and had to live with his father for a month before he got his own place.

[qubist]

It is obvious that she cheated knows that you know trying her best to control the damage except she has no idea how to do it, she thinks that by shifting the blame then showing love and cuddles can make her get away with it, I wish you had told her clearly that she should come out clean or see her at D court

[Bigdaddyt]

[/b]

 

 

BDT, I think you are right. She knows how it all turned out for the other two amigos and she was in just as deep as they were. She is blame shifting with a heavy dose of rug sweeping. Remind her that before she let another man have her she considered the worst case scenarios before stepping over that line, here it is, her worst case scenario, exactly what she envisioned.

 

Alive, I truly am heart broken and would never imagined that I would be here. Jill and Susan are now outcasts and are still the talk of the town. It just dawned on me that my WW is always sticking up for these two with her friends stating that they are good people that were in bad relationships. Too close for comfort .

[Bigdaddyt]

It is obvious that she cheated knows that you know trying her best to control the damage except she has no idea how to do it, she thinks that by shifting the blame then showing love and cuddles can make her get away with it, I wish you had told her clearly that she should come out clean or see her at D court

 

Qubist, I did not state that because if she tells me the truth and it is as bad as I think, I will D her.

[aliveagain]

Alive, I truly am heart broken and would never imagined that I would be here. Jill and Susan are now outcasts and are still the talk of the town. It just dawned on me that my WW is always sticking up for these two with her friends stating that they are good people that were in bad relationships. Too close for comfort .

 

Friend, if they are the talk of the town so is your wife. I worry about what they are saying about you and if any of the fallout gets back to your kids. Kids talk at school and their not always nice. She has to stick up for them because she's just as dirty and has probably figured out the towns people are saying all kinds of things to each other behind her back. I think she's worried that someone is going to tell you about things they have seen them do together. In time everything comes into the light. As I said before, infidelity is the worst form of disrespect.

[Bigdaddyt]

Friend, if they are the talk of the town so is your wife. I worry about what they are saying about you and if any of the fallout gets back to your kids. Kids talk at school and their not always nice. She has to stick up for them because she's just as dirty and has probably figured out the towns people are saying all kinds of things to each other behind her back. I think she's worried that someone is going to tell you about things they have seen them do together. In time everything comes into the light. As I said before, infidelity is the worst form of disrespect.

 

Alive, I am coming to the painful realization that my marriage is over and I will have to move on. It is true that the husband is always the last to know.

[sandylee1]

She thinks you were out with another woman I reckon. She's decided to stop apologising then? She hoped you'd cave in and sleep with her. Remember you managed without sex when she had the accident.......so you really can go without it for a while.

 

Her blaming you isn't on at all. If she suspected an affair she should have asked you about it. She wanted an affair and tried to justify it - plain and simple.

 

I think you should try and check if your phone has been closed ed, as you don't want her knowing your every move......from lawyers to finances.

 

You hold the power right now.....don't loose it.

[Buckeye2]

S2B, I am pushing back on her for all of the yelling and verbal abuse. It is funny that when I raise my voice back at her she gets all indignant and tells me to stop yelling at her.

 

Your wife has been the boss your entire marriage because her verbal abuse worked. Verbal abuse has always been her hammer; you aren’t allowed to use it. When things are going against her she pulls out the hammer like she always has. When that doesn’t work she gets nice.

 

Not reacting to her verbal abuse and threatening to leave are the only leverage you have. Never give that up. i.e. Never say that you forgive her. Make it clear that you reserve the right to leave her. It may be next week or in the next decade. That leverage is the only thing keeping her from rolling over you.

[Bigdaddyt]

Your wife has been the boss your entire marriage because her verbal abuse worked. Verbal abuse has always been her hammer; you aren’t allowed to use it. When things are going against her she pulls out the hammer like she always has. When that doesn’t work she gets nice.

 

Not reacting to her verbal abuse and threatening to leave are the only leverage you have. Never give that up. i.e. Never say that you forgive her. Make it clear that you reserve the right to leave her. It may be next week or in the next decade. That leverage is the only thing keeping her from rolling over you.

 

Buckeye, she has always tried to control every aspect of my life, she treats me more like her property than her husband. I have told her that I don't know if I can get over all of this and have told her that until I know the truth I can't decide.

[Buckeye2]

Buckeye, she has always tried to control every aspect of my life, she treats me more like her property than her husband. I have told her that I don't know if I can get over all of this and have told her that until I know the truth I can't decide.

 

By deciding you should mean to try R or D. If you decide to R make it very clear that R is a gift to her. That it’s an ongoing process that may ultimately fail years now.

 

What she wants is for you to decide to stay married and then what she did in the past is wiped clean. You can’t use it to divorce her and she can go back to normal. (i.e. she wants you to be stuck so she can go back to verbal abuse). NEVER give up your leverage.

[Bigdaddyt]

By deciding you should mean to try R or D. If you decide to R make it very clear that R is a gift to her. That it’s an ongoing process that may ultimately fail years now.

 

What she wants is for you to decide to stay married and then what she did in the past is wiped clean. You can’t use it to divorce her and she can go back to normal. (i.e. she wants you to be stuck so she can go back to verbal abuse). NEVER give up your leverage.

 

Buckeye, I am certain that if I said all is forgiven and let's not ever talk about this again. She would be receptive and she would at least slow her verbal abuse to me. I feel that I cannot go back into that again .

[aliveagain]

Alive, I am coming to the painful realization that my marriage is over and I will have to move on. It is true that the husband is always the last to know.

 

I was the last to know in my situation. Had one of her girlfriends not had a heart and finally told me about her secret life I might still been stuck in that hell. The hardest part for me was leaving the only son I had because he ended up being the other mans child. The kid had only started walking and I can still see him running to me with his wobbly little legs, still breaks my heart and I tear up every time I think of him, he was so innocent. How does someone do that to another human being? I know exactly where you are and what your going through friend, your not alone.

 

Stay above her intimidation and her attempts to manipulate you. Keep your calm and walk away if you have to but do not stand there and take her sh*t because her sh*t doesn't work on you anymore. You have to be willing to move on sometimes to save what you have. There's no going back to what was anymore and the sooner she gets that the sooner you can decide on a path together.

[Bigdaddyt]

I was the last to know in my situation. Had one of her girlfriends not had a heart and finally told me about her secret life I might still been stuck in that hell. The hardest part for me was leaving the only son I had because he ended up being the other mans child. The kid had only started walking and I can still see him running to me with his wobbly little legs, still breaks my heart and I tear up every time I think of him, he was so innocent. How does someone do that to another human being? I know exactly where you are and what your going through friend, your not alone.

 

Stay above her intimidation and her attempts to manipulate you. Keep your calm and walk away if you have to but do not stand there and take her sh*t because her sh*t doesn't work on you anymore. You have to be willing to move on sometimes to save what you have. There's no going back to what was anymore and the sooner she gets that the sooner you can decide on a path together.

 

Alive, I am sorry for your pain, thank God one of your XW girlfriends told you the truth. I teared up reading your description of the child, I know the pain is horrific . I feel all of my Wife's friends value her friendship over mine. I will most likely divorce everyday my choice is clearer. I just fought myself saying maybe I was wrong.

[qubist]

Bigdaddy: in my opinion filing for D is the only thing left for you to do. trust me my friend, I've been thinking about your situation like I really know you like a brother or a close friend, I always hesitate to push anyone with kids to D, but unfortunately, in your case your wife is not realizing the situation she is insisting on her ways of distracting you from it rather than facing it. I'm not saying that you guys can never get back together, who knows what will happen, there are lot of possibilities, but if you don't slap her with the reality she wouldn't do anything different.

I said it to you before, I'm confident that you would cope and be happy with your decision whether you are with her in the future or not, because you are man with strength and good intentions. I'm also confident that you will be there for your kids with or without her

[Bigdaddyt]

From this perspective - she's already made the decision easy for you.

 

You stay =

More gas lighting

More blame shifting

More cover up

More half truths

More lying by omission

More using you to supply her lifestyle

More cheating under the disguise of socializing

More manipulation

More pretending

More yelling at you

 

You leave =

More pace of mind

More opportunities to have a woman really love you

More honoring yourself

More time to relax without the worries

More showing your kids that certain situations and actions are intolerable and create severe consequences

 

 

 

And the one to be inconvenienced as far as moving should ONLY be her! But change the locks on the house.

 

I'm not sure there's any good reason to stay. Hate to say it, sorry for your pain and suffering - but if she didn't act this way it wouldn't be this way.

 

Since she's not the wife you THOUGHT she WAS - look at who she REALLY is. By getting divorced you have an opportunity to have a decent, kind and respectful wife in the future. By keeping her you know exactly what you're settling for = more of what you've already gotten.

 

 

Start making her very uncomfortable! She's been so comfortable that she isn't willing to change. You want to make her so miserable in her own home that she's happy to move out.

 

S2B, I am aware of all of this and I am steeling myself for D. She called me at work to tell me how horrible the boys are. She tells me that they are miserable and constantly complaining about everything . I told her that they are just reacting to their home environment . I told her that she is running a unhappy home and that she alone is to blame.

[Bigdaddyt]

Bigdaddy: in my opinion filing for D is the only thing left for you to do. trust me my friend, I've been thinking about your situation like I really know you like a brother or a close friend, I always hesitate to push anyone with kids to D, but unfortunately, in your case your wife is not realizing the situation she is insisting on her ways of distracting you from it rather than facing it. I'm not saying that you guys can never get back together, who knows what will happen, there are lot of possibilities, but if you don't slap her with the reality she wouldn't do anything different.

I said it to you before, I'm confident that you would cope and be happy with your decision whether you are with her in the future or not, because you are man with strength and good intentions. I'm also confident that you will be there for your kids with or without her

 

Qubist, I have come to the realization that my options are fast being depleted and that D is becoming my only choice. I want to go to church this Sunday and pray maybe even talk to a priest then make a choice. Even if my WW came to me and begged to R, I am afraid that the truth is too ugly for me to forgive. Also Thankyou for your kindness , I have faced a lot of adversity in my life and always came out on top. This will be just one more test for me. I know that you suffered through this as well, I read your thread.

[whatatangledweb]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. From my experience they get very defensive and turn it on to you when they are guilty of something. Your wife goes back and forth, loving then angry and starts the cycle again. She is trying to see which one works on you. She cheated and is trying to hide how bad it was from you. You have to decide that if her cheating was a deal breaker for you. Do not let a friend, a pastor , priest, or her tell you what you should do. This is something only you can decide. Do not stay just for the kids.I grew up in a home like that. It isn't good for the kids.

 

Even when you decide to give your spouse a second chance as I did, it is hard and very painful to go through. And my husband was very remorseful. Your wife is not.

[eric1]

Just know that if her two friends are pariahs that she will never give you the truth if she values her social standing over your marriage.

 

The quick way to do this is to just do the poly and be done with it.

 

Cheaters hate exposure more than anything. They do it for the positive. Being a pariah isn't something a narcissistic person aims for

 

My point - action time my man

[Bigdaddyt]

All: It was a tough night, I worked late to avoid the WW,but I finally went home around 8:00pm. She had been calling and texting me off of the hook, I kept to the 180 and told her that I would only speak to her in regards to the children and their needs. She called and asked me to go to the store on the way home and pick up some items that she texted to me, as well as, some food from a local restaurant that she had ordered; which I did. When I got home she texted me to not go into the house and meet her outback in our gazeboby the pool. I went inside the house to put away the groceries then went out tosee her. She was upset about our oldest son not being responsible and how badly that I have spoiled him. I told her that I know that I have spoiled all of the children, but I am not going to address this now, in that we have some major issues, that are much more important.

 

I told her that if we are to survive as a couple that I want her to provide me with a handwritten time line of her relationship with Susan and Jill and the POSOM. I continuedthat I want this to be as detailed as is humanly possible and I don’t want her to sugar coat this to save my feeling or make her seem like less of a whor_. I told her that I want this by Sunday and that if she doesn’t provide it by thenI will be moving out and filing for divorce against her. I also told her thaton Sunday if she doesn’t provide this then I am going to tell both of our families that we are done and why. I am just too tired to continue this game.

 

She became very emotional and I left her and locked myself in my bedroom. I left the house early this morning to avoid her and went to the gym. I have lost 15 pounds in the last three weeks, not intentionally due tothe stress. I intend to follow through with my word on filing for divorce nextweek if she doesn’t provide me with a timeline.

 

PI really hasn’t found anything for me in that the affairhas been over for two years approximately but he is looking now at Dick, Jill,and Susan. I will see Susan next week; her children go to school with mine. I will speak to her when I see her.

Edited September 3, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[Clay]

I hate to sound negative but until you have the divorce papers drawn up I think she is just going to milk this every step of the way. I understand you really want to save your marriage but I doubt she is going to come completely clean until you make it clear and I mean CLEAR you will divorce and leave. Nothing says and shows this better than having divorce papers drawn up. They don't have to be the most detailed but the impact is all the same. She has to know in her heart you are serious before she is going to either give you a full confession or decide to move on.

 

C

[Bigdaddyt]

I hate to sound negative but until you have the divorce papers drawn up I think she is just going to milk this every step of the way. I understand you really want to save your marriage but I doubt she is going to come completely clean until you make it clear and I mean CLEAR you will divorce and leave. Nothing says and shows this better than having divorce papers drawn up. They don't have to be the most detailed but the impact is all the same. She has to know in her heart you are serious before she is going to either give you a full confession or decide to move on.

 

C

 

Clay, I have made my decision and I alone am responsible for it. I was pushed into it by anyone. I will give her until Sunday then I will keep my word and file. She will flip her lid when this happens.

[qubist]

All: It was a tough night, I worked late to avoid the WW,but I finally went home around 8:00pm. She had been calling and texting me off of the hook, I kept to the 180 and told her that I would only speak to her in regards to the children and their needs. She called and asked me to go to the store on the way home and pick up some items that she texted to me, as well as, some food from a local restaurant that she had ordered; which I did. When I got home she texted me to not go into the house and meet her outback in our gazeboby the pool. I went inside the house to put away the groceries then went out tosee her. She was upset about our oldest son not being responsible and how badly that I have spoiled him. I told her that I know that I have spoiled all of the children, but I am not going to address this now, in that we have some major issues, that are much more important.

 

I told her that if we are to survive as a couple that I want her to provide me with a handwritten time line of her relationship with Susan and Jill and the POSOM. I continuedthat I want this to be as detailed as is humanly possible and I don’t want her to sugar coat this to save my feeling or make her seem like less of a whor_. I told her that I want this by Sunday and that if she doesn’t provide it by thenI will be moving out and filing for divorce against her. I also told her thaton Sunday if she doesn’t provide this then I am going to tell both of our families that we are done and why. I am just too tired to continue this game.

 

She became very emotional and I left her and locked myself in my bedroom. I left the house early this morning to avoid her and went to the gym. I have lost 15 pounds in the last three weeks, not intentionally due tothe stress. I intend to follow through with my word on filing for divorce nextweek if she doesn’t provide me with a timeline.

 

PI really hasn’t found anything for me in that the affairhas been over for two years approximately but he is looking now at Dick, Jill,and Susan. I will see Susan next week; her children go to school with mine. I will speak to her when I see her.

You did the right thing by being clear with her on what you are planning on. As clay suggested there is a possibility that she won't see how serious you are till she sees the D paper, but I really thing you have made a huge statement. don't go out of the way to avoid her, she will be coming to you crying and begging just be firm and demand full truth. I would print some thing for her to read about what it would take to earn a chance to R.

she is facing the harsh reality that she's been avoiding.

[Bigdaddyt]

You did the right thing by being clear with her on what you are planning on. As clay suggested there is a possibility that she won't see how serious you are till she sees the D paper, but I really thing you have made a huge statement. don't go out of the way to avoid her, she will be coming to you crying and begging just be firm and demand full truth. I would print some thing for her to read about what it would take to earn a chance to R.

she is facing the harsh reality that she's been avoiding.

 

Qubist, WW will either surrender the truth and do everything and anything to fix us or I am done. I strangely am at peace with my decision .

S2B, I will ask for the timeline to be extended throughout our marriage , she always had guys chasing after her. I am now at the point where I am burned out with all of this BS.

[Clay]

Clay, I have made my decision and I alone am responsible for it. I was pushed into it by anyone. I will give her until Sunday then I will keep my word and file. She will flip her lid when this happens.

 

I hope you get what you need. I doubt your going to get the truth but you have to do what you feel is right. There are so many people out there that find out years later that there was way more than what they were told. I do not envy the spot your in.

 

C

[Bigdaddyt]

I hope you get what you need. I doubt your going to get the truth but you have to do what you feel is right. There are so many people out there that find out years later that there was way more than what they were told. I do not envy the spot your in.

 

C

 

Clay, I will need the truth to move forward ,but I think that now that her fantasy life is over she realizes all that she is going to lose. I was reading several new posters comments on them cheating on their spouses and it was all that I could do to not respond. My wife stepped out of our marriage and now wishes she could take it back. I am prepared to move on.