eric1 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Just know that if her two friends are pariahs that she will never give you the truth if she values her social standing over your marriage. The quick way to do this is to just do the poly and be done with it. Cheaters hate exposure more than anything. They do it for the positive. Being a pariah isn't something a narcissistic person aims for My point - action time my man 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 (edited) All: It was a tough night, I worked late to avoid the WW,but I finally went home around 8:00pm. She had been calling and texting me off of the hook, I kept to the 180 and told her that I would only speak to her in regards to the children and their needs. She called and asked me to go to the store on the way home and pick up some items that she texted to me, as well as, some food from a local restaurant that she had ordered; which I did. When I got home she texted me to not go into the house and meet her outback in our gazeboby the pool. I went inside the house to put away the groceries then went out tosee her. She was upset about our oldest son not being responsible and how badly that I have spoiled him. I told her that I know that I have spoiled all of the children, but I am not going to address this now, in that we have some major issues, that are much more important. I told her that if we are to survive as a couple that I want her to provide me with a handwritten time line of her relationship with Susan and Jill and the POSOM. I continuedthat I want this to be as detailed as is humanly possible and I don’t want her to sugar coat this to save my feeling or make her seem like less of a whor_. I told her that I want this by Sunday and that if she doesn’t provide it by thenI will be moving out and filing for divorce against her. I also told her thaton Sunday if she doesn’t provide this then I am going to tell both of our families that we are done and why. I am just too tired to continue this game. She became very emotional and I left her and locked myself in my bedroom. I left the house early this morning to avoid her and went to the gym. I have lost 15 pounds in the last three weeks, not intentionally due tothe stress. I intend to follow through with my word on filing for divorce nextweek if she doesn’t provide me with a timeline. PI really hasn’t found anything for me in that the affairhas been over for two years approximately but he is looking now at Dick, Jill,and Susan. I will see Susan next week; her children go to school with mine. I will speak to her when I see her. Edited September 3, 2015 by Bigdaddyt 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I hate to sound negative but until you have the divorce papers drawn up I think she is just going to milk this every step of the way. I understand you really want to save your marriage but I doubt she is going to come completely clean until you make it clear and I mean CLEAR you will divorce and leave. Nothing says and shows this better than having divorce papers drawn up. They don't have to be the most detailed but the impact is all the same. She has to know in her heart you are serious before she is going to either give you a full confession or decide to move on. C Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I think I'd be wanting a timeline throughout the marriage of anyone she's flirted with and what became of her flirting. Not just one or three, but all of them. This is a way of life for her and certainly there so much that you don't know about. Since you're asking for her honesty - let's see how forthcoming she intends to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I hate to sound negative but until you have the divorce papers drawn up I think she is just going to milk this every step of the way. I understand you really want to save your marriage but I doubt she is going to come completely clean until you make it clear and I mean CLEAR you will divorce and leave. Nothing says and shows this better than having divorce papers drawn up. They don't have to be the most detailed but the impact is all the same. She has to know in her heart you are serious before she is going to either give you a full confession or decide to move on. C Clay, I have made my decision and I alone am responsible for it. I was pushed into it by anyone. I will give her until Sunday then I will keep my word and file. She will flip her lid when this happens. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 All: It was a tough night, I worked late to avoid the WW,but I finally went home around 8:00pm. She had been calling and texting me off of the hook, I kept to the 180 and told her that I would only speak to her in regards to the children and their needs. She called and asked me to go to the store on the way home and pick up some items that she texted to me, as well as, some food from a local restaurant that she had ordered; which I did. When I got home she texted me to not go into the house and meet her outback in our gazeboby the pool. I went inside the house to put away the groceries then went out tosee her. She was upset about our oldest son not being responsible and how badly that I have spoiled him. I told her that I know that I have spoiled all of the children, but I am not going to address this now, in that we have some major issues, that are much more important. I told her that if we are to survive as a couple that I want her to provide me with a handwritten time line of her relationship with Susan and Jill and the POSOM. I continuedthat I want this to be as detailed as is humanly possible and I don’t want her to sugar coat this to save my feeling or make her seem like less of a whor_. I told her that I want this by Sunday and that if she doesn’t provide it by thenI will be moving out and filing for divorce against her. I also told her thaton Sunday if she doesn’t provide this then I am going to tell both of our families that we are done and why. I am just too tired to continue this game. She became very emotional and I left her and locked myself in my bedroom. I left the house early this morning to avoid her and went to the gym. I have lost 15 pounds in the last three weeks, not intentionally due tothe stress. I intend to follow through with my word on filing for divorce nextweek if she doesn’t provide me with a timeline. PI really hasn’t found anything for me in that the affairhas been over for two years approximately but he is looking now at Dick, Jill,and Susan. I will see Susan next week; her children go to school with mine. I will speak to her when I see her. You did the right thing by being clear with her on what you are planning on. As clay suggested there is a possibility that she won't see how serious you are till she sees the D paper, but I really thing you have made a huge statement. don't go out of the way to avoid her, she will be coming to you crying and begging just be firm and demand full truth. I would print some thing for her to read about what it would take to earn a chance to R. she is facing the harsh reality that she's been avoiding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 You did the right thing by being clear with her on what you are planning on. As clay suggested there is a possibility that she won't see how serious you are till she sees the D paper, but I really thing you have made a huge statement. don't go out of the way to avoid her, she will be coming to you crying and begging just be firm and demand full truth. I would print some thing for her to read about what it would take to earn a chance to R. she is facing the harsh reality that she's been avoiding. Qubist, WW will either surrender the truth and do everything and anything to fix us or I am done. I strangely am at peace with my decision . S2B, I will ask for the timeline to be extended throughout our marriage , she always had guys chasing after her. I am now at the point where I am burned out with all of this BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Clay, I have made my decision and I alone am responsible for it. I was pushed into it by anyone. I will give her until Sunday then I will keep my word and file. She will flip her lid when this happens. I hope you get what you need. I doubt your going to get the truth but you have to do what you feel is right. There are so many people out there that find out years later that there was way more than what they were told. I do not envy the spot your in. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I hope you get what you need. I doubt your going to get the truth but you have to do what you feel is right. There are so many people out there that find out years later that there was way more than what they were told. I do not envy the spot your in. C Clay, I will need the truth to move forward ,but I think that now that her fantasy life is over she realizes all that she is going to lose. I was reading several new posters comments on them cheating on their spouses and it was all that I could do to not respond. My wife stepped out of our marriage and now wishes she could take it back. I am prepared to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm so sorry you are going through this. From my experience they get very defensive and turn it on to you when they are guilty of something. Your wife goes back and forth, loving then angry and starts the cycle again. She is trying to see which one works on you. She cheated and is trying to hide how bad it was from you. You have to decide that if her cheating was a deal breaker for you. Do not let a friend, a pastor , priest, or her tell you what you should do. This is something only you can decide. Do not stay just for the kids.I grew up in a home like that. It isn't good for the kids. Even when you decide to give your spouse a second chance as I did, it is hard and very painful to go through. And my husband was very remorseful. Your wife is not. What, I have made my decision on my marriage and have drawn a line in the sand for my WW. I truly believe that the truth is so ugly that I will never forgive her and she knows this. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Qubist, WW will either surrender the truth and do everything and anything to fix us or I am done. I strangely am at peace with my decision . S2B, I will ask for the timeline to be extended throughout our marriage , she always had guys chasing after her. I am now at the point where I am burned out with all of this BS. you said she was emotional after you give her the Sunday deadline, did she try to say anything after that. if she tries to pull the same song of blame shifting or the promises to be the best wife just stop her calmly and tell her nothing will stop this train, only full truth may. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 you said she was emotional after you give her the Sunday deadline, did she try to say anything after that. if she tries to pull the same song of blame shifting or the promises to be the best wife just stop her calmly and tell her nothing will stop this train, only full truth may. Qubist, I feel like I am married to Sybill my WW is stressed out of her mind and can't get it together . I am just keeping my distance while she implodes. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Clay, I will need the truth to move forward ,but I think that now that her fantasy life is over she realizes all that she is going to lose. I was reading several new posters comments on them cheating on their spouses and it was all that I could do to not respond. My wife stepped out of our marriage and now wishes she could take it back. I am prepared to move on. I was chatting with another poster on another forum. Her asked about a timeline to a decision, and it's my strong belief that you just "know". It might take 8 seconds, it might take 8 months. It sounds like you know, and good for you. It's empowering. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I was chatting with another poster on another forum. Her asked about a timeline to a decision, and it's my strong belief that you just "know". It might take 8 seconds, it might take 8 months. It sounds like you know, and good for you. It's empowering. Eric, you are correct I just know and my WW knows this. I am realizing that for me to stay I need her to tell me what I know. She won't do this and I will simply move on . Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Eric, you are correct I just know and my WW knows this. I am realizing that for me to stay I need her to tell me what I know. She won't do this and I will simply move on . It sounds like your resolve is strengthening and you are prepared to do the "hard 180" which is all about taking care of yourself and focusing on your personal recovery. If she doesn't give you what you need OR the whole truth is simply too ugly to live with, then divorcing her becomes just a chore you have to get finished - like mowing the lawn. You will take strength in feeling stronger every day you don't have to look at her face or hear her voice. After a month or so, you'll be free of any desire to go back and live in hell. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 It sounds like your resolve is strengthening and you are prepared to do the "hard 180" which is all about taking care of yourself and focusing on your personal recovery. If she doesn't give you what you need OR the whole truth is simply too ugly to live with, then divorcing her becomes just a chore you have to get finished - like mowing the lawn. You will take strength in feeling stronger every day you don't have to look at her face or hear her voice. After a month or so, you'll be free of any desire to go back and live in hell. Drifter, I am over this and this whole mess has become a chore that I am no longer willing to work at. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Drifter, I am over this and this whole mess has become a chore that I am no longer willing to work at. Then why are you still living there? Maybe I'm not making my point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Then why are you still living there? Maybe I'm not making my point. Drifter, your point is made. I will give her until Sunday and then when she fails, not if, I will move out and file for D. I can wait 4 more days after all I have been with her for over 22 years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 BD You have your plan in motion......no need to move out yet. You've given her till Sunday....that was generous of you, but wait till then. I keep saying this, but I just don't understand why she got into cheating and didn't realise her friends were idiots. She had a loving husband and family......just why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 BD You have your plan in motion......no need to move out yet. You've given her till Sunday....that was generous of you, but wait till then. I keep saying this, but I just don't understand why she got into cheating and didn't realise her friends were idiots. She had a loving husband and family......just why? Sandy lee , she was 21 when we married and probably thought that she didn't have any time for fun. We had two babies very quickly to the point that people thought that they were twins. I really worked at trying to be a good husband and Dad and I truly thought that she was happy. I know that she will regret this decision for the rest of her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 she was 21 when we married and probably thought that she didn't have any time for fun. We had two babies very quickly to the point that people thought that they were twins. Add to that the bad influence from Jill and the other cheating woman, all made it easy for her to go that route, that's just sad. from her perspective, I can see how she feels now the combination of guilt, embarrassment and the fear of loosing you that must be overwhelming. experience like this could either break a person or make him better I hope she would learn a lesson and get out of this a better woman for her self , a better mother for her kids and a better partner to whoever she may be with in the future whether it is you or somebody else Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Add to that the bad influence from Jill and the other cheating woman, all made it easy for her to go that route, that's just sad. from her perspective, I can see how she feels now the combination of guilt, embarrassment and the fear of loosing you that must be overwhelming. experience like this could either break a person or make him better I hope she would learn a lesson and get out of this a better woman for her self , a better mother for her kids and a better partner to whoever she may be with in the future whether it is you or somebody else Qubist, my WW is a good person maybe just not for me. I do believe that everyone stumbles in life and makes mistakes and cannot be judged by the one low point of their life. I will divorce her because I deserve better and she is not all in on fixing the mess she made. I know that she will recover and do well for herself. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Qubist, my WW is a good person maybe just not for me. I do believe that everyone stumbles in life and makes mistakes and cannot be judged by the one low point of their life. I will divorce her because I deserve better and she is not all in on fixing the mess she made. I know that she will recover and do well for herself. I have no doubt that D is the best thing for her too, I'm just saying that right now she must be under some severe pressure D or just going in the process of divorce, will serve her a lesson she absolutely needs, I know based on how I felt about you that you will not hurt her in any way and that you would be generous with her as far as making D as smooth as possible. if she is really a good person with good heart like you described her she should get out of this a better woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I have no doubt that D is the best thing for her too, I'm just saying that right now she must be under some severe pressure D or just going in the process of divorce, will serve her a lesson she absolutely needs, I know based on how I felt about you that you will not hurt her in any way and that you would be generous with her as far as making D as smooth as possible. if she is really a good person with good heart like you described her she should get out of this a better woman. Qubist, I will divorce her as a friend I will release my anger by funneling it into love for my children and making them my priority. WW just called me to talk about nothing, she said that she just wanted to hear my voice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I will divorce her as a friend I will release my anger by funneling it into love for my children and making them my priority. that's the way to do it as a gentleman, WW just called me to talk about nothing, she said that she just wanted to hear my voice that's expected, she loves you and realized what's being jeopardized is huge. if she wants to confess just remind her before she sais a word that nothing should be left out Link to post Share on other sites
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