Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm so sorry you are going through this. From my experience they get very defensive and turn it on to you when they are guilty of something. Your wife goes back and forth, loving then angry and starts the cycle again. She is trying to see which one works on you. She cheated and is trying to hide how bad it was from you. You have to decide that if her cheating was a deal breaker for you. Do not let a friend, a pastor , priest, or her tell you what you should do. This is something only you can decide. Do not stay just for the kids.I grew up in a home like that. It isn't good for the kids. Even when you decide to give your spouse a second chance as I did, it is hard and very painful to go through. And my husband was very remorseful. Your wife is not. What, I have made my decision on my marriage and have drawn a line in the sand for my WW. I truly believe that the truth is so ugly that I will never forgive her and she knows this. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Qubist, WW will either surrender the truth and do everything and anything to fix us or I am done. I strangely am at peace with my decision . S2B, I will ask for the timeline to be extended throughout our marriage , she always had guys chasing after her. I am now at the point where I am burned out with all of this BS. you said she was emotional after you give her the Sunday deadline, did she try to say anything after that. if she tries to pull the same song of blame shifting or the promises to be the best wife just stop her calmly and tell her nothing will stop this train, only full truth may. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 you said she was emotional after you give her the Sunday deadline, did she try to say anything after that. if she tries to pull the same song of blame shifting or the promises to be the best wife just stop her calmly and tell her nothing will stop this train, only full truth may. Qubist, I feel like I am married to Sybill my WW is stressed out of her mind and can't get it together . I am just keeping my distance while she implodes. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Clay, I will need the truth to move forward ,but I think that now that her fantasy life is over she realizes all that she is going to lose. I was reading several new posters comments on them cheating on their spouses and it was all that I could do to not respond. My wife stepped out of our marriage and now wishes she could take it back. I am prepared to move on. I was chatting with another poster on another forum. Her asked about a timeline to a decision, and it's my strong belief that you just "know". It might take 8 seconds, it might take 8 months. It sounds like you know, and good for you. It's empowering. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I was chatting with another poster on another forum. Her asked about a timeline to a decision, and it's my strong belief that you just "know". It might take 8 seconds, it might take 8 months. It sounds like you know, and good for you. It's empowering. Eric, you are correct I just know and my WW knows this. I am realizing that for me to stay I need her to tell me what I know. She won't do this and I will simply move on . Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Eric, you are correct I just know and my WW knows this. I am realizing that for me to stay I need her to tell me what I know. She won't do this and I will simply move on . It sounds like your resolve is strengthening and you are prepared to do the "hard 180" which is all about taking care of yourself and focusing on your personal recovery. If she doesn't give you what you need OR the whole truth is simply too ugly to live with, then divorcing her becomes just a chore you have to get finished - like mowing the lawn. You will take strength in feeling stronger every day you don't have to look at her face or hear her voice. After a month or so, you'll be free of any desire to go back and live in hell. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 It sounds like your resolve is strengthening and you are prepared to do the "hard 180" which is all about taking care of yourself and focusing on your personal recovery. If she doesn't give you what you need OR the whole truth is simply too ugly to live with, then divorcing her becomes just a chore you have to get finished - like mowing the lawn. You will take strength in feeling stronger every day you don't have to look at her face or hear her voice. After a month or so, you'll be free of any desire to go back and live in hell. Drifter, I am over this and this whole mess has become a chore that I am no longer willing to work at. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Drifter, I am over this and this whole mess has become a chore that I am no longer willing to work at. Then why are you still living there? Maybe I'm not making my point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Then why are you still living there? Maybe I'm not making my point. Drifter, your point is made. I will give her until Sunday and then when she fails, not if, I will move out and file for D. I can wait 4 more days after all I have been with her for over 22 years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 BD You have your plan in motion......no need to move out yet. You've given her till Sunday....that was generous of you, but wait till then. I keep saying this, but I just don't understand why she got into cheating and didn't realise her friends were idiots. She had a loving husband and family......just why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 BD You have your plan in motion......no need to move out yet. You've given her till Sunday....that was generous of you, but wait till then. I keep saying this, but I just don't understand why she got into cheating and didn't realise her friends were idiots. She had a loving husband and family......just why? Sandy lee , she was 21 when we married and probably thought that she didn't have any time for fun. We had two babies very quickly to the point that people thought that they were twins. I really worked at trying to be a good husband and Dad and I truly thought that she was happy. I know that she will regret this decision for the rest of her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 she was 21 when we married and probably thought that she didn't have any time for fun. We had two babies very quickly to the point that people thought that they were twins. Add to that the bad influence from Jill and the other cheating woman, all made it easy for her to go that route, that's just sad. from her perspective, I can see how she feels now the combination of guilt, embarrassment and the fear of loosing you that must be overwhelming. experience like this could either break a person or make him better I hope she would learn a lesson and get out of this a better woman for her self , a better mother for her kids and a better partner to whoever she may be with in the future whether it is you or somebody else Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Add to that the bad influence from Jill and the other cheating woman, all made it easy for her to go that route, that's just sad. from her perspective, I can see how she feels now the combination of guilt, embarrassment and the fear of loosing you that must be overwhelming. experience like this could either break a person or make him better I hope she would learn a lesson and get out of this a better woman for her self , a better mother for her kids and a better partner to whoever she may be with in the future whether it is you or somebody else Qubist, my WW is a good person maybe just not for me. I do believe that everyone stumbles in life and makes mistakes and cannot be judged by the one low point of their life. I will divorce her because I deserve better and she is not all in on fixing the mess she made. I know that she will recover and do well for herself. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Qubist, my WW is a good person maybe just not for me. I do believe that everyone stumbles in life and makes mistakes and cannot be judged by the one low point of their life. I will divorce her because I deserve better and she is not all in on fixing the mess she made. I know that she will recover and do well for herself. I have no doubt that D is the best thing for her too, I'm just saying that right now she must be under some severe pressure D or just going in the process of divorce, will serve her a lesson she absolutely needs, I know based on how I felt about you that you will not hurt her in any way and that you would be generous with her as far as making D as smooth as possible. if she is really a good person with good heart like you described her she should get out of this a better woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I have no doubt that D is the best thing for her too, I'm just saying that right now she must be under some severe pressure D or just going in the process of divorce, will serve her a lesson she absolutely needs, I know based on how I felt about you that you will not hurt her in any way and that you would be generous with her as far as making D as smooth as possible. if she is really a good person with good heart like you described her she should get out of this a better woman. Qubist, I will divorce her as a friend I will release my anger by funneling it into love for my children and making them my priority. WW just called me to talk about nothing, she said that she just wanted to hear my voice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I will divorce her as a friend I will release my anger by funneling it into love for my children and making them my priority. that's the way to do it as a gentleman, WW just called me to talk about nothing, she said that she just wanted to hear my voice that's expected, she loves you and realized what's being jeopardized is huge. if she wants to confess just remind her before she sais a word that nothing should be left out Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 After her timeline is written and IF you think you might consider staying - then tell her she must take a polygraph to confirm her truth. She should have no problem getting confirmation that she's being honest - if she's been honest. S2B, I am open to her giving me a full accounting of her infidelity, but if it is too bad I cannot stay with her, I would just regret it and would probably just want out. A polygraph will be a must for me to stay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Why isn't she respecting your request? You told her not to call you unless it's to do with the kids. Tell her to stop it. And there isn't any reason for her to treat you like her errand boy (especially now)! If she needs groceries or take out food tell her to do it herself! She doesn't work! She should have plenty of time in her day to plan out errands and dinner. Quit being her little bitch! She's testing you and you keep making it easy for her to think you are at her disposal. She has a request? Tell her NO! No to everything! S2B, Ouch that would have hurt my feelings if I had any feelings left. She cannot bear to let me go and doesn't know how to fix this I am expecting something major to happen over the weekend. She is afraid that the truth will land her in the same boat as Jill and Susan . The SS Cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Why would that hurt your feelings? It was directed at her being disrespectful to you. She doesn't work. She's got ALL day to do her duties. Don't do them for her. If she goes without dinner then she can figure out where she mismanaged her time! I bet a lot of her time right now is wasted trying to cover her tracks. S2B, I understand and will push her to do more she was just reaching out for no reason, she wants to still be connected to me. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 S2B, I understand and will push her to do more she was just reaching out for no reason, she wants to still be connected to me. NO, not connected. She wants and needs to be in control. As it was stated earlier here she is seaching for a way to place you back under her thumb. She has tried being nice, being needy, being a b*tch, using the kids, making it your fault. Every fu*king thing except the truth. From what you've wrote she isn't at all interested in being connected, just in control. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 NO, not connected. She wants and needs to be in control. As it was stated earlier here she is seaching for a way to place you back under her thumb. She has tried being nice, being needy, being a b*tch, using the kids, making it your fault. Every fu*king thing except the truth. From what you've wrote she isn't at all interested in being connected, just in control. DING DING DING lol We have a winner. This is exactly why I suggested drawing up the divorce papers. She is going to use everything she can to get him under her control and she sees he is wavering. She knows she has a chance to rug sweep this and then in a few years when things are all calmed down she will be back in business. This is exactly the reason why you have to be willing to through it all away in order to really save it. C Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 NO, not connected. She wants and needs to be in control. As it was stated earlier here she is seaching for a way to place you back under her thumb. She has tried being nice, being needy, being a b*tch, using the kids, making it your fault. Every fu*king thing except the truth. From what you've wrote she isn't at all interested in being connected, just in control. DKT3, I am sure that you are right. My ultimate stands and I will follow through with it. Honestly the more time that goes by I am starting to think that I wasn't as happy in my marriage as I thought. My wife has learned to control me from her Mother, her poor Father is severely hen pecked. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 DING DING DING lol We have a winner. This is exactly why I suggested drawing up the divorce papers. She is going to use everything she can to get him under her control and she sees he is wavering. She knows she has a chance to rug sweep this and then in a few years when things are all calmed down she will be back in business. This is exactly the reason why you have to be willing to through it all away in order to really save it. C Clay, I get this , I really do if I could go back in time I would have divorced her when I caught her in the bar or when I caught her in the hot tub. I told her Sunday and I am sticking to my guns. She can no longer manipulate me, yes I will get milk and eggs from the store for my children, but I really am so done with this drama. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Clay, I get this , I really do if I could go back in time I would have divorced her when I caught her in the bar or when I caught her in the hot tub. I told her Sunday and I am sticking to my guns. She can no longer manipulate me, yes I will get milk and eggs from the store for my children, but I really am so done with this drama. fact is you can't go back in time and neither can she. had you showed more toughness before it wouldn't had escalated but it is what it is, you can't fix that now. you are a different man now and you are showing her the toughness which is going to stop all the BS. just do what you really believe it's right. Sunday is only few days away, so take it easy on yourself. It looks like D is inevitable so be prepared, Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Her input to you in the past few days is still very entitled and then she adds criticism to you about how the kids are behaving. She just doesn't intend to take responsibility for anything. Don't expect things to change from her side. The greatest predictor of the future is past behavior. Any time she criticizes at all - tell her you're not willing to listen to her opinion any longer, so just stop it. S2B, my WW shows zero remorse and acts like everything is normal, she had about six of her girlfriends over last night for a GNO at our house. She has no idea how different her life will be starting next week. She will have to get a job and work, no more lunches out with her BFF's. I plan to call my attorney today to schedule the first available appointment , hopefully Tuesday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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