S2B Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 S2B, my WW shows zero remorse and acts like everything is normal, she had about six of her girlfriends over last night for a GNO at our house. She has no idea how different her life will be starting next week. She will have to get a job and work, no more lunches out with her BFF's. I plan to call my attorney today to schedule the first available appointment , hopefully Tuesday. This doesn't look like she intends to change. You keep her comfortable. Which means she isn't changing. People only change when they get uncomfortable. She's making the decision for you with the way she's acting. I hope you've made plans for most of this holiday weekend. Stay busy and away from home. Get out and have fun. Do not be accountable to her for anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Have you gotten the papers to fill out yet? They are extensive and you will need to sift through a lot of info to prepare your draft to submit to the attorney. He types them up and then you sign so they can be filed. It's a process, one that you need time to get it right. My suggestion is to get the draft papers now so that you can be ready just in case. Otherwise you will lose a week or two in preparing them to be filed. Just my thought. S2B, Just getting divorce papers to show her would just add to this drama. I am handling this like a surgeon that cuts off a festered limb. It is painful and your are scard for life but absolutely necessary to save the body. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 All: I have come to the conclusion that my WW is an has always been an emotional bully. I realize that I walk around on egg shells around her and trying to judge when her mood will change. It wasn't always like this, but a slow spiral into this current madness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 All: I have come to the conclusion that my WW is an has always been an emotional bully. I realize that I walk around on egg shells around her and trying to judge when her mood will change. It wasn't always like this, but a slow spiral into this current madness. It's her manipulation - her way of controlling you to do things her way. I'm sure it has been like this but you just didn't notice it so much. You were too busy trying to please her. She's just attempting to keep you in that position you've always been in. She's tested you, by asking you to pick up dinner and run by the market, you have still participated the way SHE expects (by being compliant and doing as she asked). She tested - you complied. From her perspective you haven't changed much either. You're not making her uncomfortable = she keeps doing things the way she wants. What did the VAR reveal? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Big hugs to you. You tried, she didn't. I hope your D is smooth going and she doesn't resist any. As for her GNO night, did you bother with any VAR's? Or are you not bothered anymore? GL on Weds. How she can behave like nothings happened is beyond me. See how her behaviour changes next week.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 It's her manipulation - her way of controlling you to do things her way. I'm sure it has been like this but you just didn't notice it so much. You were too busy trying to please her. She's just attempting to keep you in that position you've always been in. She's tested you, by asking you to pick up dinner and run by the market, you have still participated the way SHE expects (by being compliant and doing as she asked). She tested - you complied. From her perspective you haven't changed much either. You're not making her uncomfortable = she keeps doing things the way she wants. What did the VAR reveal? S2B, the VAR showed me that she has no respect for me. She made fun of me to her friends. She said a lot of unflattering things about me that really shook me up. I didn't know she has this kind of anger towards me. I know that I said it before, so you can tell me to not mention it again, but I truly thought that I was a very good husband and father . I did so much more than most men, I helped her clean and cook, I did the laundry. When the children were babies I changed diapers and got up with them at night. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 S2B, the VAR showed me that she has no respect for me. She made fun of me to her friends. She said a lot of unflattering things about me that really shook me up. I didn't know she has this kind of anger towards me. I know that I said it before, so you can tell me to not mention it again, but I truly thought that I was a very good husband and father . I did so much more than most men, I helped her clean and cook, I did the laundry. When the children were babies I changed diapers and got up with them at night. Sorry to hear this. It's not a good sign that things will change. You can't make her be a different person. She is who she is. May be best to take her credit cards now and implement your allowance immediately. Protect yourself. And don't wait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Sorry to hear this. It's not a good sign that things will change. You can't make her be a different person. She is who she is. May be best to take her credit cards now and implement your allowance immediately. Protect yourself. And don't wait. Yep. You gave her until Sunday to provide a time line; so be it. But with your new information, it's clear that she's not someone you can reconcile a marriage with. I'd plan on seeing a lawyer early next week and get the ball rolling on divorce, regardless of what she may hand you Sunday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Sorry to hear this. It's not a good sign that things will change. You can't make her be a different person. She is who she is. May be best to take her credit cards now and implement your allowance immediately. Protect yourself. And don't wait. S2B, I plan to play the tape for her on Sunday, just before I dump her azz. I understand from Redbirds posts that the affairs aren't about the BS, she is just making me into the villain in this story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 S2B, I plan to play the tape for her on Sunday, just before I dump her azz. I understand from Redbirds posts that the affairs aren't about the BS, she is just making me into the villain in this story. I understand the temptation to play the tape, but I can't advise giving up the source of information. I'd just tell her that word got back to you, which is more-or-less the truth. Let her wonder which of her friends squealed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 S2B, I plan to play the tape for her on Sunday, just before I dump her azz. I understand from Redbirds posts that the affairs aren't about the BS, she is just making me into the villain in this story. It just depends on the type of wayward you are dealing with. I have encountered waywards that completely blame their affairs on their partners. Just like I have encountered waywards that take full responsibility for their affairs. Sadly, it sounds like you have the former. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 I understand the temptation to play the tape, but I can't advise giving up the source of information. I'd just tell her that word got back to you, which is more-or-less the truth. Let her wonder which of her friends squealed. Gorilla, great point, I really am not all that deviant, I should really start to take notes. This thread should have been titled what not to do if you are a WW seeking R. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 S2B, I plan to play the tape for her on Sunday, just before I dump her azz. I understand from Redbirds posts that the affairs aren't about the BS, she is just making me into the villain in this story. first of all you are not a villain at all. i agree that A in general are rarely sbout the BS, in most cases A creeps in step by step from the back door. in your case Your wife's cheating has nothing to do with you, I really believe that she loves you but she got to a point where she didn't value you in her marriage enough to not do it. worst part about it is she got used to distracting herself and you about her mistakes and expecting you to just "ride the storm out" that's why IMO D is inevitable even if you think you want to be with her. she will not respect you till you put your foot on and show her that she crossed the limit. trust me she will be a different person once she realize that she is losing you, it is sad that it has to go this way but it's her fault not yours. she will realize later that this is the best thing that happens to her Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 first of all you are not a villain at all. i agree that A in general are rarely sbout the BS, in most cases A creeps in step by step from the back door. in your case Your wife's cheating has nothing to do with you, I really believe that she loves you but she got to a point where she didn't value you in her marriage enough to not do it. worst part about it is she got used to distracting herself and you about her mistakes and expecting you to just "ride the storm out" that's why IMO D is inevitable even if you think you want to be with her. she will not respect you till you put your foot on and show her that she crossed the limit. trust me she will be a different person once she realize that she is losing you, it is sad that it has to go this way but it's her fault not yours. she will realize later that this is the best thing that happens to her Qubist, I appreciate you words, I do believe that my WW will have a very difficult time with this once the hammer falls, and it will fall. I also know by not standing up to her for all of these years helped to foster this outcome . It is funny because most people are intimidated by me physically eventhough I am a nice guy and would never hurt anyone, but my little wife ran my dumb azz all around , I just didnt see it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 S2B, I plan to play the tape for her on Sunday, just before I dump her azz. I understand from Redbirds posts that the affairs aren't about the BS, she is just making me into the villain in this story. I wouldn't give her your source. You now know. She doesn't need to know how you know. There's not one reason to show her "your cards". Stop helping her - start helping yourself. No need to offer her any info expect your end result = which at this point is that you're moving and you're divorcing. Spend the weekend packing up all the things you love. Move them to a storage space that she can not access. If you don't - she will not allow you to have certain things later. Be wise. Act as if there's no emotion - there's time for the emotions later. Check on your money. She may be moving some into her name only. Do it now before it's too late. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 I wouldn't give her your source. You now know. She doesn't need to know how you know. There's not one reason to show her "your cards". Stop helping her - start helping yourself. No need to offer her any info expect your end result = which at this point is that you're moving and you're divorcing. Spend the weekend packing up all the things you love. Move them to a storage space that she can not access. If you don't - she will not allow you to have certain things later. Be wise. Act as if there's no emotion - there's time for the emotions later. Check on your money. She may be moving some into her name only. Do it now before it's too late. S2B, This is a good idea, I collect antique metal mechanical banks. I have some that are worth a great deal of money, I can see her having a yard sale. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 DON'T PLAY THE TAPE . If you want to divulge anything...just say " I have it on good authority that you were making fun of me the other night" , then say "I have no reason to believe what I've heard is untrue " She'll think one of her friends told you. NEVER reveal your sources. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I understand the temptation to play the tape, but I can't advise giving up the source of information. I'd just tell her that word got back to you, which is more-or-less the truth. Let her wonder which of her friends squealed. This is exactly right. In general you don’t want to tell them all you know (because they will make up a story that fits) or your source. Let them assume they were followed by a PI. It will drive them crazy. In this particular case it may cause her to have fights with her friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Sandy lee and Buckeye, I agree and will keep the VAR to myself. Getting ready for a long weekend with the Kracken, I cannot wait until Monday to start the rest of my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 DKT3, I am sure that you are right. My ultimate stands and I will follow through with it. Honestly the more time that goes by I am starting to think that I wasn't as happy in my marriage as I thought. My wife has learned to control me from her Mother, her poor Father is severely hen pecked. This is very common, once you follow the 180, detach, and are able to look at your marriage objectively, rather than in a knee-jerk reaction of fear of losing what you had, whatever it was. This is important because it gives you the power, the control, because it makes you willing to walk away if you can't get what you deserve out of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Buckeye, she has always tried to control every aspect of my life, she treats me more like her property than her husband. Unfortunately, many women grow up thinking this is the way it's supposed to be. That because she's a woman, she gets to 'dictate' how things go. Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 S2B, yes she did admit to cheating. Alive, I will get tested, she said that it was almost three years ago and she saw her girlfriends lives going downhill and knew she had to get out. I do not know if this is the whole truth, but this is enough to end the marriage for me. I will take my time to work through this and make a decision on what is the best course of action for us. Bigdaddyt, Sorry for the mess you are in now, I know it hurts very much, Maybe we can have a good Dutch beer and drink on the past someday ( or a famous Grousse haha). You are a very strong, wise man. The Bolded quote should be all over your wifes timeline, please focus and be strong for your kids, and look out for yourself. What beats me though, was the confession of cheating all she said?? Dutchman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tomcook Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I am very sorry for everything that you've had to endure OP. Everyone's situation is unique, I know, but every dose of infidelity just plain sucks. I know it's slightly off topic, but I am struggling with my own situation as well. So, if you don't mind me asking, what kind of VAR did you use, and where did you install it? Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Narcissists need this to be about them. Simply just dump her and give no further discussion. At this point does she really deserve it, and more so she'd have to be criminally dumb to not know why you were doing this. Exchanging any more than a few sentences will just be an avenue for her to attack and manipulate you. Why put yourself through that crap? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Narcissists need this to be about them. Simply just dump her and give no further discussion. At this point does she really deserve it, and more so she'd have to be criminally dumb to not know why you were doing this. Exchanging any more than a few sentences will just be an avenue for her to attack and manipulate you. Why put yourself through that crap? I tend to agree. She does seem self centered and narcissistic. Any woman that intended to change wouldn't be gathering her trampy friends for another GNO at this stage of your marital problems. She also wouldn't be trash talking behind your back IF she was attempting to repair the damage she's caused. Heck, she's not making effort. She criticizes you and complains about the kids then she sends you to the market and to pick up take out - all the while she's planning her GNO and talking bad about you. That's a bunch of crap! She's super spoiled! You've made it so easy for her to treat you terribly. Stop being her errand boy! She's a grown ass woman who doesn't work! Don't do one single thing she asks for - tell her she is capable of doing things herself. Stop spoiling her. You're so used to being used - you don't even realize when it's happening. She's not too sick to party. She can get things done around the house herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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