Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Sandy lee and Buckeye, I agree and will keep the VAR to myself. Getting ready for a long weekend with the Kracken, I cannot wait until Monday to start the rest of my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 DKT3, I am sure that you are right. My ultimate stands and I will follow through with it. Honestly the more time that goes by I am starting to think that I wasn't as happy in my marriage as I thought. My wife has learned to control me from her Mother, her poor Father is severely hen pecked. This is very common, once you follow the 180, detach, and are able to look at your marriage objectively, rather than in a knee-jerk reaction of fear of losing what you had, whatever it was. This is important because it gives you the power, the control, because it makes you willing to walk away if you can't get what you deserve out of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 Buckeye, she has always tried to control every aspect of my life, she treats me more like her property than her husband. Unfortunately, many women grow up thinking this is the way it's supposed to be. That because she's a woman, she gets to 'dictate' how things go. Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 S2B, yes she did admit to cheating. Alive, I will get tested, she said that it was almost three years ago and she saw her girlfriends lives going downhill and knew she had to get out. I do not know if this is the whole truth, but this is enough to end the marriage for me. I will take my time to work through this and make a decision on what is the best course of action for us. Bigdaddyt, Sorry for the mess you are in now, I know it hurts very much, Maybe we can have a good Dutch beer and drink on the past someday ( or a famous Grousse haha). You are a very strong, wise man. The Bolded quote should be all over your wifes timeline, please focus and be strong for your kids, and look out for yourself. What beats me though, was the confession of cheating all she said?? Dutchman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tomcook Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I am very sorry for everything that you've had to endure OP. Everyone's situation is unique, I know, but every dose of infidelity just plain sucks. I know it's slightly off topic, but I am struggling with my own situation as well. So, if you don't mind me asking, what kind of VAR did you use, and where did you install it? Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Narcissists need this to be about them. Simply just dump her and give no further discussion. At this point does she really deserve it, and more so she'd have to be criminally dumb to not know why you were doing this. Exchanging any more than a few sentences will just be an avenue for her to attack and manipulate you. Why put yourself through that crap? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 In light of the VAR info the best thing you should do is, wake up tomorrow, look her in the eye and say About that confession thing, I asked you to write? Never mind. Then walk away. The next words that you say (not relating to th kids) should be, Sign this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 All: I just wanted to put out a quick update: WW is having a meltdown crying and being very clingy, I am continuing the 180. Her entire family showed up to the house this morning my boys and I made them all breakfast . I am certain that they are aware of the situation and do not know how to handle it, they love both of us but my WW is their family . I am going to stick to my guns on the timeline and have already leased a furnished suite for a month. This will give me time to get it together. WW is relentless not giving me any space, she has until tomorrow. BDT out 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) All: I just wanted to put out a quick update: WW is having a meltdown crying and being very clingy, I am continuing the 180. Her entire family showed up to the house this morning my boys and I made them all breakfast . I am certain that they are aware of the situation and do not know how to handle it, they love both of us but my WW is their family . I am going to stick to my guns on the timeline and have already leased a furnished suite for a month. This will give me time to get it together. WW is relentless not giving me any space, she has until tomorrow. BDT out This is what I meant by exposing to those who have influence over her, use her father to get the truth out of her even if that means getting her to agree to a polygraph. She not only shamed you she shamed her father and mother and that's a major no no in the Italian culture. Please talk to a lawyer before you agree to leave the home even for a month. She wasn't too relentless to have her girls party it seems. Edited September 5, 2015 by aliveagain Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 All: I just wanted to put out a quick update: WW is having a meltdown crying and being very clingy, I am continuing the 180. Her entire family showed up to the house this morning my boys and I made them all breakfast . I am certain that they are aware of the situation and do not know how to handle it, they love both of us but my WW is their family . I am going to stick to my guns on the timeline and have already leased a furnished suite for a month. This will give me time to get it together. WW is relentless not giving me any space, she has until tomorrow. BDT out I wonder if she read this thread or someone tipped her off that the end is near? Her phone calls being rude about you and her cheating show her true side. Don't give in to her clinginess and newfound affection. She is playing you like a fiddle. You KNOW how she really is now. Your new, single and free life awaits! Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Crying and clingy when you are there. Talking about you like a dog, when you are not. You can believe what someone says or writes, or you can believe what they do. Exactly why do you need this confession? You know it is not going to be accurate if you get it at all. I guarantee if you dont bring it up, she wont write it. But then again, your 180 certainly appears to be working. Bringing in reinforcements the day before dday. Are they spending the night? She is getting it. But she cant tell you. The train is coming and she is standing right in the middle of the tracks, hoping it goes away . If it does, the train will hit you. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Have you looked them all in the face and said 'what are you going to do about her cheating?' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 This is what I meant by exposing to those who have influence over her, use her father to get the truth out of her even if that means getting her to agree to a polygraph. She not only shamed you she shamed her father and mother and that's a major no no in the Italian culture. Please talk to a lawyer before you agree to leave the home even for a month. She wasn't too relentless to have her girls party it seems. Alive, I am going to talk to her Father tonight , he asked me if I wanted to talk, I said yes . I plan to spill everything to him including my plans for D. I will update everyone tomorrow , very tough. Lawyer didn't think me leaving is a big deal as long as I provided for WW and children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 Crying and clingy when you are there. Talking about you like a dog, when you are not. You can believe what someone says or writes, or you can believe what they do. Exactly why do you need this confession? You know it is not going to be accurate if you get it at all. I guarantee if you dont bring it up, she wont write it. But then again, your 180 certainly appears to be working. Bringing in reinforcements the day before dday. Are they spending the night? She is getting it. But she cant tell you. The train is coming and she is standing right in the middle of the tracks, hoping it goes away . If it does, the train will hit you. 66Charger, I have to have a written confession in the form of a timeline if I allow this to be rug swept in will slowly kill me. I see now how important exposure is in this. I was going to wait until tomorrow , but it is obvious that I have to tell her Father. That is tough he is such a proper gentleman. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Sending you good thoughts and vibes! I'm just catching up but it sucks to read these updates concerning your STBX wife, but I'm glad to see you're taking charge of this Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I see now how important exposure is in this. I was going to wait until tomorrow , but it is obvious that I have to tell her Father. That is tough he is such a proper gentleman. Thank God. I hope you stick around to show other newbies who come here why THEY should be exposing as soon as possible. The sooner you expose, you better chance you have at saving the marriage - wait too long and either she's too far gone or YOU don't care any more. As for her dad, just be honest, tell him you never wanted this, but you can't sit around and be her cuckold. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 BDT Congrats on getting your life back. Wishing you the best. I hope it turns out to be all you hope for. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I hope it goes as well as can be expected. Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Our thoughts are with you tonight! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 Thank God. I hope you stick around to show other newbies who come here why THEY should be exposing as soon as possible. The sooner you expose, you better chance you have at saving the marriage - wait too long and either she's too far gone or YOU don't care any more. As for her dad, just be honest, tell him you never wanted this, but you can't sit around and be her cuckold. Tunera and friends, I met with my father in law this evening and he asked me to be totally honest with him and I was. I told him that I love his daughter and our family, but I cannot tolerate her lying and cheating. I went over everything that I know and things that i suspected . I told him that things between us are so bad that I was prepared to move out tomorrow and would be filing for divorce next week. He listened quietly and said that I am a good husband and father and I didn't deserve this. He asked what I needed from my wife to fix my marriage. I said I need the complete truth written out in a timeline, when the affair started who it was with and for how long. I also said I need my WW to want to fix the marriage . We ended the conversation and he went in to talk to my WW. I didn't hear everything that was said but FIL was speaking in a loud voice to WW and she was crying. They were together for a few hours before they came out, WW seems like she is in shock. I will continue the 180 and my plan. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 BDT, she had the riot act read to her. As I said, she not only brought shame to you but also to him. She took a couple of notches out of his dignity and the family honor. It will take a couple of generations to erase, I know but that's Italians for you. You still need to decide if saving what you have is what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
starpower Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Terrible situation your in, you must be feel awful. Least your now in control of the situation, whichever way it goes. I think she may be finding that hard to fathom, her loss of control and you gaining it. You must feel empowered after being stood on for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 AWESOME job exposing. That post should be stickied to the top of the forum as Exhibit A for people who make excuses to keep everything hidden. You are truly doing an incredible job Link to post Share on other sites
tomcook Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 Tunera and friends, I met with my father in law this evening and he asked me to be totally honest with him and I was. I told him that I love his daughter and our family, but I cannot tolerate her lying and cheating. I went over everything that I know and things that i suspected . I told him that things between us are so bad that I was prepared to move out tomorrow and would be filing for divorce next week. He listened quietly and said that I am a good husband and father and I didn't deserve this. He asked what I needed from my wife to fix my marriage. I said I need the complete truth written out in a timeline, when the affair started who it was with and for how long. I also said I need my WW to want to fix the marriage . We ended the conversation and he went in to talk to my WW. I didn't hear everything that was said but FIL was speaking in a loud voice to WW and she was crying. They were together for a few hours before they came out, WW seems like she is in shock. I will continue the 180 and my plan. That's inspiring. Truly, you are an inspiration. You tackled the situation with confidence. I wish you the very best of luck, and can't wait to hear more updates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 Good for you! Nice that your FIL was loving and supportive to you and had a talk with his daughter. Exposing when a spouse is unremorseful is useful. Don't plan for her to change - she may never change. Just plan to create a nice living situation for yourself and allow her to understand what living is like without you always making her life so easy. Even IF she begins to change - she needs to show long term changes - like years... So just keep moving forward FOR yourself. S2B, My FIL is very close to me, when I first dated my WW I aka basically dated her family. They were always around and I was never part of a big loving family, so I loved it and over the years I was accepted into it. I felt like a child in front of my FIL, but he was very kind to me and he is very strong emotionally. I haven't spoken to WW since she spoke to her Father. Today is the day of my ultimatum , I will keep my word, I was up late packing and up early this morning. I am going to take the boys to a car race and show today and when we return I will tell her that I am done. Link to post Share on other sites
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