Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[aliveagain]

It is all out there now, reality is hitting her. You made a stand and all she had to do to save your relationship is agree that she wants to save it and show you she does by doing what you asked. Throwing a party for her girlfriends and then trashing you to them just shows you that she is not as committed as you. Remember her actions are the truth and anything coming out of her mouth is manipulation. Your deadline is today, keep your word.

[Bigdaddyt]

It is all out there now, reality is hitting her. You made a stand and all she had to do to save your relationship is agree that she wants to save it and show you she does by doing what you asked. Throwing a party for her girlfriends and then trashing you to them just shows you that she is not as committed as you. Remember her actions are the truth and anything coming out of her mouth is manipulation. Your deadline is today, keep your word.

 

Alive, this has been a painful journey, I am moving out today regardless of her timeline. I will give a detailed update later today. I am a extremely honest person and will keep my word.

[aliveagain]

I think she always expected that she could reel you back in anytime she wanted. Last nights exposure just became her new reality. She is a grown up, she knows what you need to save this and if she doesn't want to do what it takes then it's better you know now and not two years down the road. She may be a great mother but she is a sh*tty wife. You will know real remorse when you see it.

[Clay]

I think what your not seeing is your answer. I think if she was really wanting to save your marriage with her she would have already provided you with this timeline. She would already be begging you for your forgiveness and doing anything she could to make it right. Its not just about control and pushing you to do what she wants. It sounds like maybe she is at the point where she is not longer happy being married. I can't imagine your pain but at least you are coming more to the realization to the true state of your marriage.

 

Stay strong today and follow through with your demands. She is the one that cheated and its on her to deal with this if she wants to save the marriage.

 

C

[happyman64]

BDT

 

 

Good luck on your move.

 

 

Secure your finances and do not allow your wife to do anything stupid that will further hurt your family.

 

 

HM

[DKT3]

I think what your not seeing is your answer. I think if she was really wanting to save your marriage with her she would have already provided you with this timeline. She would already be begging you for your forgiveness and doing anything she could to make it right. Its not just about control and pushing you to do what she wants. It sounds like maybe she is at the point where she is not longer happy being married. I can't imagine your pain but at least you are coming more to the realization to the true state of your marriage.

 

Stay strong today and follow through with your demands. She is the one that cheated and its on her to deal with this if she wants to save the marriage.

 

C

 

I respectfully disagree. I believe when someone like BDT's wife has been in control and been able to manipulate and gaslight for so long she believes that she can stall and at some point he will cave because its worked in the past. I think yesterday it finally started to become clear that this time its different.

 

Like I told BDT a while ago once he makes his stand and has her served he will finally see his wife's heart and what she wants. Until then she will continue to believe she can get out of this without fully being honest. He may get more little by little once he moves out.

 

I also expect some horrible behavior from her in the coming days or weeks should he leave. I expect her to try to bully him back, shame him back, manipulate him back.

[S2B]

I respectfully disagree. I believe when someone like BDT's wife has been in control and been able to manipulate and gaslight for so long she believes that she can stall and at some point he will cave because its worked in the past. I think yesterday it finally started to become clear that this time its different.

 

Like I told BDT a while ago once he makes his stand and has her served he will finally see his wife's heart and what she wants. Until then she will continue to believe she can get out of this without fully being honest. He may get more little by little once he moves out.

 

I also expect some horrible behavior from her in the coming days or weeks should he leave. I expect her to try to bully him back, shame him back, manipulate him back.

 

And she likely will present an illness to get sympathy. Many times a fake illness.

 

 

I think if she intended to work on the marriage she would have been able to present her plan to her Dad. If she didn't do/say anything but cry that's just more evidence that she isn't willing to change.

 

 

Daddy may have confronted her. But her crying is manipulation without appropriate action to change anything. Learned behavior.

[Clay]

I respectfully disagree. I believe when someone like BDT's wife has been in control and been able to manipulate and gaslight for so long she believes that she can stall and at some point he will cave because its worked in the past. I think yesterday it finally started to become clear that this time its different.

 

Like I told BDT a while ago once he makes his stand and has her served he will finally see his wife's heart and what she wants. Until then she will continue to believe she can get out of this without fully being honest. He may get more little by little once he moves out.

 

I also expect some horrible behavior from her in the coming days or weeks should he leave. I expect her to try to bully him back, shame him back, manipulate him back.

 

You might be right. He will get his answer today I am sure. Once he tells her he is leaving and starts packing his bag he will either see her break down or her pushing her control over him via anger.

 

C

[S2B]

You might be right. He will get his answer today I am sure. Once he tells her he is leaving and starts packing his bag he will either see her break down or her pushing her control over him via anger.

 

C

 

It shouldn't matter at this point since she doesn't act differently in the past few weeks.

 

The best indicator of the future is the past.

 

We now know she talks trash behind his back and hasn't changed her behavior.

 

Anything she does at this juncture is just more manipulation...to get her pampered lifestyle back.

 

That's not loving behavior.

 

She needs to be uncomfortable long term in order to have a complete change of heart and change of actions. Only time will tell if she is willing to change and shows evidence that she's willing to do anything to become unselfish and unloving.

[Clay]

It shouldn't matter at this point since she doesn't act differently in the past few weeks.

 

The best indicator of the future is the past.

 

We now know she talks trash behind his back and hasn't changed her behavior.

 

Anything she does at this juncture is just more manipulation...to get her pampered lifestyle back.

 

That's not loving behavior.

 

She needs to be uncomfortable long term in order to have a complete change of heart and change of actions. Only time will tell if she is willing to change and shows evidence that she's willing to do anything to become unselfish and unloving.

 

I completely agree with this but honestly he has accepted this behavior and he has allowed it to go forward for so long why would she show any different. This is why I said the other day drawing up divorce papers was necessary to show his resolve in leaving her. Its just like the saying you have to be willing to throw it all away in order to save it.

 

Realize this is the first real consequence of her actions. We will see today just how she deals with it. Hopefully he follows through with it and stands up for himself.

 

C

[Bigdaddyt]

All: she gave me a written timeline and I thanked her I told her that I just didn't feel that she was all in and that I was done. She became very upset and became hysterical . I told her that I was moving out and would file for divorce this week. She begged for another chance, I told her that it will take six months to divorce and that she has all that time to show me that she has changed. Very depressed I will update later, I kept my word and now I live with the only real choice that I had.

[MrBojangles]

All: she gave me a written timeline and I thanked her I told her that I just didn't feel that she was all in and that I was done. She became very upset and became hysterical . I told her that I was moving out and would file for divorce this week. She begged for another chance, I told her that it will take six months to divorce and that she has all that time to show me that she has changed. Very depressed I will update later, I kept my word and now I live with the only real choice that I had.

 

 

So sorry for your pain brother, keep your head up! I believe you are making the right call.

 

Did her timeline match up with what you've suspected all along, or were there any surprises?

[tomcook]

All: she gave me a written timeline and I thanked her I told her that I just didn't feel that she was all in and that I was done. She became very upset and became hysterical . I told her that I was moving out and would file for divorce this week. She begged for another chance, I told her that it will take six months to divorce and that she has all that time to show me that she has changed. Very depressed I will update later, I kept my word and now I live with the only real choice that I had.

 

Hey, you did what you believed in and you kept your word. That takes a lot of courage. I hope you see the fruits of your labors Bigdaddyt. Hang in there.

[S2B]

I know the pain is great at a time like this. It won't always be this way.

 

Be true to yourself and be kind to yourself. Do things that make you feel happy for now. Try to stay positive in areas of your life...maybe start a new hobby too. A creative outlet helped me a lot.

[turnera]

You're in no hurry. Sit back and observe. See what she does.

[S2B]

All: she gave me a written timeline and I thanked her I told her that I just didn't feel that she was all in and that I was done. She became very upset and became hysterical . I told her that I was moving out and would file for divorce this week. She begged for another chance, I told her that it will take six months to divorce and that she has all that time to show me that she has changed. Very depressed I will update later, I kept my word and now I live with the only real choice that I had.

 

I'm sure she's shocked that you have the balls to divorce her.

 

She's used to getting things her way. She can't possibly be hysterical when she was just badmouthing you a few short days ago to her friends.

 

Or maybe she's like my exH - she likes that thought of being married but doesn't intend to live up to the vows. She can't have it both ways. Either she stays married and completely changed herself to honor and respect you. Or she divorces knowing she doesn't intend to change/doesn't want to make effort to act married.

 

 

Short term change doesn't count. All the things she does that present her life as a single party gal need to be eliminated if she's to become believable. Same goes for taking care of all the things at home instead of passing them off to you after you've been working all day. She either begins to act married and committed or she doesn't.

 

There's no room for her to wiggle at this point - and I think THAT is what she's upset about.

 

Let her find out how hard it is to work, take care of the kids and keep up with all the household things on her own. Believe me, even the silliest things were difficult at the beginning! I hadn't put gas in my car for almost 20 years.

 

Things change - but sometimes change is very good.

[Just a Guy]

Hi BDt, Just wanted to chip in and say that what you have done is very courageous and shows your great resolve. You have moved slowly but surely, giving your WW ample time and elbow room to come on the same page as you. In the process you have shown her compassion inspire of her reluctance to put in the hard work to help recover your marriage. You have every reason to feel happy with yourself as you put in a lot of work to save your marriage and also gave your wife ample opportunity to come aboard. I wish you the very best in your life as you go forward and may God bless you in your endeavours! Cheers.

[Bigdaddyt]

So sorry for your pain brother, keep your head up! I believe you are making the right call.

 

Did her timeline match up with what you've suspected all along, or were there any surprises?

 

MrBojangles, her timeline was incomplete and only admitted to what I knew about her cheating . That plus the VAR conversation with her girlfriends made me realize that I was the only person working on my marriage .

I did move out yesterday and she has been blowing up my phone. I continued the exposure yesterday to include my family and our mutual friends. I expect some kind of drama from her this week, but she now realizes that I am serious. Problem now is I don't think that I would take her back.

[Bigdaddyt]

I'm sure she's shocked that you have the balls to divorce her.

 

She's used to getting things her way. She can't possibly be hysterical when she was just badmouthing you a few short days ago to her friends.

 

Or maybe she's like my exH - she likes that thought of being married but doesn't intend to live up to the vows. She can't have it both ways. Either she stays married and completely changed herself to honor and respect you. Or she divorces knowing she doesn't intend to change/doesn't want to make effort to act married.

 

 

Short term change doesn't count. All the things she does that present her life as a single party gal need to be eliminated if she's to become believable. Same goes for taking care of all the things at home instead of passing them off to you after you've been working all day. She either begins to act married and committed or she doesn't.

 

There's no room for her to wiggle at this point - and I think THAT is what she's upset about.

 

Let her find out how hard it is to work, take care of the kids and keep up with all the household things on her own. Believe me, even the silliest things were difficult at the beginning! I hadn't put gas in my car for almost 20 years.

 

Things change - but sometimes change is very good.

S2B, she will find out the hard way that the grass isn't always greener. She has relied on me to take care of everything. I make a very good living and her POSOM if she is still with him cannot match this.

I am going to work on me and I will contact a realtor to purchase my own place.

[Bigdaddyt]

Hi BDt, Just wanted to chip in and say that what you have done is very courageous and shows your great resolve. You have moved slowly but surely, giving your WW ample time and elbow room to come on the same page as you. In the process you have shown her compassion inspire of her reluctance to put in the hard work to help recover your marriage. You have every reason to feel happy with yourself as you put in a lot of work to save your marriage and also gave your wife ample opportunity to come aboard. I wish you the very best in your life as you go forward and may God bless you in your endeavours! Cheers.

 

Just a Guy, Thanyou for your comments, I was all in on saving my marriage , the problem was she wasn't . That really left me no options but D.

[MrBojangles]

MrBojangles, her timeline was incomplete and only admitted to what I knew about her cheating . That plus the VAR conversation with her girlfriends made me realize that I was the only person working on my marriage .

I did move out yesterday and she has been blowing up my phone. I continued the exposure yesterday to include my family and our mutual friends. I expect some kind of drama from her this week, but she now realizes that I am serious. Problem now is I don't think that I would take her back.

 

 

Hang in there Bigdaddyt!

 

For what it's worth, the space you now have between you and her, will allow you the distance to see the whole picture. That is, you may be able to finally see her for the toxic person she truly is. You may indeed not want her back after this month has passed.

 

With all that you have written about here, she does not sound worthy of a second chance. Even if you did give her a second chance, I do not believe she's capable of change. She sounds like the typical spoiled, self-entitled person, that has always gotten her way.

 

Stay strong, and do not let her manipulate you, and do what's best for YOU.

Edited September 7, 2015 by MrBojangles

[eric1]

I agree that you should strongly consider just moving on.

 

Even if you wanted to move in, you cannot do so without the full truth. She doesn't seem invested in doing that and, against the advice here, you gave her MORE than enough time to come clean (or atleast cleaner).

 

Continue to expose wide and far and ask her not to contact you unless it has to do with the children.

 

You are doing a GREAT job.

 

You still don't have this joker's name?

[sandylee1]

Sorry it's ended this way , but you've seen her for what she truly is. Talking about you like that with her friends after her infidelity was awful.

 

Just shows she doesn't get it and let see who will take her on when she says she cheated on such a great guy......oh yeah I'm sure she won't say that though will she. Lying comes with cheating and she's become a pro in that area.

 

Now she'll look like her friend Jill and the other one. Divorced for cheating and full of the shame that goes with it.

 

You are a courageous and honourable man with integrity, you can't put a price on that.

[Mz. Pixie]

I just spoke to my Wife who said that we both have cheated in our marriage. Me by keeping a photo album of my high school girlfriend and having so many female friends and she was only guilty of emotional cheating. I have never seen her this angry in over 20 years. She told me that I pushed her away and that I am to blame for our D.

 

They always say crap like this!!! Justification. Photos vs just the little bit of crap she's done that I've read? (Sorry I skimmed).

 

Women don't love men they cannot respect. If she's running over you it doesn't turn her on. Loving but firm.

 

I've been here a long time and I am a former WW. I will keep reading and comment if something jumps out.

[Mz. Pixie]

You're in no hurry. Sit back and observe. See what she does.

 

You've done a great job. I hope you will stick around and help some of the other posters who come here.

 

It hurts and I'm so sorry. You will be the long term winner here. Promise.