Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[aliveagain]

Alive, Jill was one of them and Dicks wife another. She didn't consider it cheating because they were women.

 

Shows you how fu*ked up she is. Wow. Wonder if Jill coming onto you was a set up by the two of them? Her thinking was all twisted for so long, she was living in the underworld, the Madonna during the day, fu*king dirty whores by night. Anything goes, men and women were both on the menu, the dirtier it got the deeper she went. You were the only problem, too strait and normal, great father material but did nothing for the kink she needed. I lived your life and the only way out of this is to hold onto what is you, fu*k all of them. You need to know everything about you is what is real, everything about her is broken. Maybe she now sees how far she allowed herself to go, that is now her problem because she needs to find a way to convince you she's worth it. Hope your new place has a view of water. By the way, you don't need to protect her anymore, she never protected you.

[aliveagain]

Alive, Agreed there are something's that we just can't fix and we are not responsible for. I am reading these from my iPhone hard to see and type. I am strangely coming to terms with my D. My wife has called me 30 times today all going to VM. She is doing poorly, she is bi but I truly think that if she could save us now she would, but it is too late. I am meeting my FIL at 7:30 tonight at my favorite Italian Restaurant, I will update everyone tomorrow . I was going to take tomorrow off of work but I have to much work. It will be a working divorce.

 

I am a gourmet cook, women are afraid to cook for me. I will give you all the old world Italian recipes you can use. I was going to give cooking lessons for men going through divorce, wine paring, just hanging out when they have nowhere else to go and feeling lost. Still might do that.

 

I am going to pull out my Blue Label Scotch and toast you tonight my friend.

[m.snow]

again check with you attorney about leaving the marital home.

 

but clearly bh&ww are not on thesame level when it comes to sexuality.

i guess i would be hard to work it out? if they do go to R, thats a big IF.

she would be controlling her sexuality and for long term prospects i dont think its really gonna work out.

 

but a divorce would be setting each other free.

 

marriage would be over but the family not. if the ex-wife can still function in her role as good mother to the children. i see why not break the marriage but still keep the family.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I have a few questions for you.

 

Did you know your W was BI?

 

The issues your wife has....

 

You keeping photo's of your EX....why did you keep them? You knew they upset her, yet you chose to ignore her and keep them.

 

You have A LOT of female friends, your wife wasn't happy about it, yet you again chose to ignore her feelings on the matter. Why?

 

You didn't tell your W about the co-worker, you said it's because you didn't want the drama. She didn't see it that way. Did you not think if she ever found out she would be suspicious? Wouldn't you have been had she not told you?

 

Not excusing her behaviour any but you need to admit your part in this was the actual start of it. You ignored how she felt over your ex, your female friends AND the co-worker. Your not innocent. It's one/two/three all now. I don't think your W felt you respected her enough....she justified her cheating by that. You didn't physically cheat, but I feel through your postings you have a bit of an ego, you enjoyed the other women's attention. You kind of went to the line with it. You didn't cross over, but you got damn close. I know your not going to like what I typed, but it's what YOU did/didn't do that started it. Maybe give her some slack for that, you let her THINK and FEEL the way she does. Both of you have caused this. It's going to D now anyway, your choice. GL with it, it's not easy. But I do think you need to look at yourself a bit here too.

 

Let the bashing commence 1.2.3.....

[m.snow]

I have a few questions for you.

 

Did you know your W was BI?

 

The issues your wife has....

 

You keeping photo's of your EX....why did you keep them? You knew they upset her, yet you chose to ignore her and keep them.

 

You have A LOT of female friends, your wife wasn't happy about it, yet you again chose to ignore her feelings on the matter. Why?

 

You didn't tell your W about the co-worker, you said it's because you didn't want the drama. She didn't see it that way. Did you not think if she ever found out she would be suspicious? Wouldn't you have been had she not told you?

 

Not excusing her behaviour any but you need to admit your part in this was the actual start of it. You ignored how she felt over your ex, your female friends AND the co-worker. Your not innocent. It's one/two/three all now. I don't think your W felt you respected her enough....she justified her cheating by that. You didn't physically cheat, but I feel through your postings you have a bit of an ego, you enjoyed the other women's attention. You kind of went to the line with it. You didn't cross over, but you got damn close. I know your not going to like what I typed, but it's what YOU did/didn't do that started it. Maybe give her some slack for that, you let her THINK and FEEL the way she does. Both of you have caused this. It's going to D now anyway, your choice. GL with it, it's not easy. But I do think you need to look at yourself a bit here too.

 

Let the bashing commence 1.2.3.....

 

i think he just found out she has a tendency to be bi...

 

as for the women. bh points out his ability to exercise restraint. something ww is clearly incapable of doing.

 

clearly you wish both parties to be equally guilty which is not the case in this scenario.

[SummerDreams]

I can honestly say I wouldnt mind if my husband would keep photos of his ex, had female friends or even a coworker hit on him. I am very secure for his morals and I would bet my life he would never cheat. Especially regarding the photos, I dont have the right to demand he erases his past to make me feel better. In general I dont think a woman would demand that her husband eliminates all "dangers" so she feels safe in her marriage. What shows his true love and loyalty is that he chooses to be with his wife DESPITE all temptation.

[m.snow]

again the thing that i can point out is that the difference in sexuality.

 

for a wife to push her husband to have an affair with her friend is really on a different level.

 

his wife clearly wants to open up the marriage.

and bigdaddyt does not want to open a can of worms.

 

wife knows husband is very loyal and that's what bothers her.

 

wife is worried cause husband wont hit on other women. which invalidates celestial dreamers argument.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I can honestly say I wouldnt mind if my husband would keep photos of his ex, had female friends or even a coworker hit on him. I am very secure for his morals and I would bet my life he would never cheat. Especially regarding the photos, I dont have the right to demand he erases his past to make me feel better. In general I dont think a woman would demand that her husband eliminates all "dangers" so she feels safe in her marriage. What shows his true love and loyalty is that he chooses to be with his wife DESPITE all temptation.

 

That's what YOU think....some women don't see keeping an ex's pics to perv over as OK, some don't see their H having many female friends as OK. Just saying is all. Some men get all pi**y if a woman keeps pics of her ex too...just as some guys get jealous if his W/GF has many male friends, Plenty of people posting about their SO's friends of the opposite sex. It's all OK having a past, but why hide pics of your ex? and when you know they upset your SO...you STILL keep them. People bang on about respect on this forum, so where was OP's respect for his W's feeling? As I said...just saying, 2 sides to every penny.

 

wife is worried cause husband wont hit on other women. which invalidates celestial dreamers argument.

 

Im not arguing, just asking a few questions. Everyone has jumped on the W, yet none seems to see what OP did to help create the problems. OP says he is sorry...NOW. It's too late.

 

As I said, bash away. I'm just pointing out OP isn't 100% innocent. He knew how far he went, knew his W wasn't happy about it, did nothing about it yet it's her fault she was upset? Yes, W has used it against him, it's as she saw it. To her, him ignoring her feelings on matters that are/were important to her were acts of betrayal....if my SO ignored my feelings on an important matter like this, it wouldn't go down too well.

[World's.Edge]

William, now I truly feel special. I just want to state for the record that I am not responsible for world hunger.

That is exactly what someone responsible for world hunger would write;).

 

What you heard your wife say about you seems to have hurt and affected you, so I just wanted to let you know that it is quite common for an cheater to vilify their spouse, it's almost required even. There is less guilt associated with cheating on a spouse who is horrible and "deserves" it. It makes it easier for them to justify their conduct and infidelity. It could also be that your wife is just a negative person and you were so accustomed to it that you haven't been able to see it until now. The fact that she wants to reconcile shoud tell you that her words held little truth.

 

I think that you've made the right choice in choosing to divorce. If you do choose to reconcile for whatever reason, it should be a long after the divorce. When you've had time and distance away from the situation, and when you've observed genuine positive changes in her.

 

Her behaviour at the moment is just a reaction to her circumstances. Any changes you witness now will be short term and unsustainable. She's acting from a place of desperation.

 

Her lifestyle and her way of life are about to change drastically. She does not want that to happen so be prepared for all sorts of behaviour, forms of manipulation and desperate actions by her in order for her to preserve her comfortable life.

 

Move forward with the divorce and take care of yourself and your family.

[Bigdaddyt]

I am a gourmet cook, women are afraid to cook for me. I will give you all the old world Italian recipes you can use. I was going to give cooking lessons for men going through divorce, wine paring, just hanging out when they have nowhere else to go and feeling lost. Still might do that.

 

I am going to pull out my Blue Label Scotch and toast you tonight my friend.

 

Alive, it is great to have a passion that you love and the ability to share it with the less fortunate or your brothers who are struggling . I also drank a toast to all of you last night as well, I prefer Pinch, single malt . Don't know why I just do.

[Bigdaddyt]

I have a few questions for you.

 

Did you know your W was BI?

 

The issues your wife has....

 

You keeping photo's of your EX....why did you keep them? You knew they upset her, yet you chose to ignore her and keep them.

 

You have A LOT of female friends, your wife wasn't happy about it, yet you again chose to ignore her feelings on the matter. Why?

 

You didn't tell your W about the co-worker, you said it's because you didn't want the drama. She didn't see it that way. Did you not think if she ever found out she would be suspicious? Wouldn't you have been had she not told you?

 

Not excusing her behaviour any but you need to admit your part in this was the actual start of it. You ignored how she felt over your ex, your female friends AND the co-worker. Your not innocent. It's one/two/three all now. I don't think your W felt you respected her enough....she justified her cheating by that. You didn't physically cheat, but I feel through your postings you have a bit of an ego, you enjoyed the other women's attention. You kind of went to the line with it. You didn't cross over, but you got damn close. I know your not going to like what I typed, but it's what YOU did/didn't do that started it. Maybe give her some slack for that, you let her THINK and FEEL the way she does. Both of you have caused this. It's going to D now anyway, your choice. GL with it, it's not easy. But I do think you need to look at yourself a bit here too.

 

Let the bashing commence 1.2.3.....

 

Celestial Dreamer, No bashing everyone here is entitled to ask or say what they wish, that is why it's an open forum. I am arrogant and extremely self confident, that is why my WW cheating cut me to the bone. The photographs were in a old photo album that I forgot was in storage that I threw away after my wife told me it really upset her.

I do have a lot of women friends, but I don't go out or hang out with them. One of them asked me to go to a kickboxing class with her this week, I politely declined. Do I love the attention maybe I do I just didn't think about it until you brought it up.

I was a wild child in HS and College and my WW knows this, I was a personal trainer and I worked as a male dancer for about a year and a half; which helped pay my way through college. This was before I met my wife and before I became a better Christian. I am sure this has always weighed upon her, but I never cheated.

[Bigdaddyt]

That is exactly what someone responsible for world hunger would write;).

 

What you heard your wife say about you seems to have hurt and affected you, so I just wanted to let you know that it is quite common for an cheater to vilify their spouse, it's almost required even. There is less guilt associated with cheating on a spouse who is horrible and "deserves" it. It makes it easier for them to justify their conduct and infidelity. It could also be that your wife is just a negative person and you were so accustomed to it that you haven't been able to see it until now. The fact that she wants to reconcile shoud tell you that her words held little truth.

 

I think that you've made the right choice in choosing to divorce. If you do choose to reconcile for whatever reason, it should be a long after the divorce. When you've had time and distance away from the situation, and when you've observed genuine positive changes in her.

 

Her behaviour at the moment is just a reaction to her circumstances. Any changes you witness now will be short term and unsustainable. She's acting from a place of desperation.

 

Her lifestyle and her way of life are about to change drastically. She does not want that to happen so be prepared for all sorts of behaviour, forms of manipulation and desperate actions by her in order for her to preserve her comfortable life.

 

Move forward with the divorce and take care of yourself and your family.

 

Worlds Edge, that is funny you made me laugh, I am not responsible for world hunger, but I know the cure, I am just not going to tell anyone.

I am finally understanding that my WW was just lashing out and villainizing me to justify her actions. I am still going to file for divorce but a lot happened last night that made me second guess myself. I will update this later once I have a moment to process the data in my head, a lot to sort out.

[m.snow]

I was a wild child in HS and College and my WW knows this, I was a personal trainer and I worked as a male dancer for about a year and a half; which helped pay my way through college. This was before I met my wife and before I became a better Christian. I am sure this has always weighed upon her, but I never cheated.

 

wait. about that part? dancer? is that ballroom? street? hiphop? break?

[Bigdaddyt]

again the thing that i can point out is that the difference in sexuality.

 

for a wife to push her husband to have an affair with her friend is really on a different level.

 

his wife clearly wants to open up the marriage.

and bigdaddyt does not want to open a can of worms.

 

wife knows husband is very loyal and that's what bothers her.

 

wife is worried cause husband wont hit on other women. which invalidates celestial dreamers argument.

 

M Snow, I got all of my bad behavior out when I was young and single, the moment that really changed me was when I was working at a club and a girl I liked showed up with her friends and I heard them say that it's a shame, but can't date someone like him. That is when I decided that I needed to change to become someone who would be a good spouse.

[Bigdaddyt]

wait. about that part? dancer? is that ballroom? street? hiphop? break?

 

I was an exotic dancer. I had guy friends who worked out at my gym and told me that I should do it, because I could make great money. I started out working at the bar as a bar back, because I was too young to bartend , then I started to dance. I never did private parties I only worked at the bar and this was well before I met my wife.

[Bigdaddyt]

I was an exotic dancer. I had guy friends who worked out at my gym and told me that I should do it, because I could make great money. I started out working at the bar as a bar back, because I was too young to bartend , then I started to dance. I never did private parties I only worked at the bar and this was well before I met my wife.

 

All: This was a bad choice, but when you come from nothing and you want to better yourself, I didn't have a Mother or Father that I could go to for money for college and living expenses . You do whatever you need to survive.

Life is a journey not a destination .

[qubist]

All: This was a bad choice, but when you come from nothing and you want to better yourself, I didn't have a Mother or Father that I could go to for money for college and living expenses . You do whatever you need to survive.

Life is a journey not a destination .

it only shows that you are a survivor, it seems like you always find way to better yourself and move on from bad experiences.

how are you feeling today? hopefully calming down

[singer23]

I have a few questions for you.

 

Did you know your W was BI?

 

The issues your wife has....

 

You keeping photo's of your EX....why did you keep them? You knew they upset her, yet you chose to ignore her and keep them.

 

You have A LOT of female friends, your wife wasn't happy about it, yet you again chose to ignore her feelings on the matter. Why?

 

You didn't tell your W about the co-worker, you said it's because you didn't want the drama. She didn't see it that way. Did you not think if she ever found out she would be suspicious? Wouldn't you have been had she not told you?

 

Not excusing her behaviour any but you need to admit your part in this was the actual start of it. You ignored how she felt over your ex, your female friends AND the co-worker. Your not innocent. It's one/two/three all now. I don't think your W felt you respected her enough....she justified her cheating by that. You didn't physically cheat, but I feel through your postings you have a bit of an ego, you enjoyed the other women's attention. You kind of went to the line with it. You didn't cross over, but you got damn close. I know your not going to like what I typed, but it's what YOU did/didn't do that started it. Maybe give her some slack for that, you let her THINK and FEEL the way she does. Both of you have caused this. It's going to D now anyway, your choice. GL with it, it's not easy. But I do think you need to look at yourself a bit here too.

Let the bashing commence 1.2.3.....

 

Most annoying part of your post... Pre-emptively assuming the victim role and therefore any further posts critiquing your posts are attackers and haters who could not take on your logic.

[Bigdaddyt]

it only shows that you are a survivor, it seems like you always find way to better yourself and move on from bad experiences.

how are you feeling today? hopefully calming down

 

Qubist, my life would probably make a good TV show or movie, I am like a cat nine lives. I am extremely emotional on the inside just not showing it. My FIL told me that my oldest son is taking this hard and that my WW said that he was sitting on the garage floor upset when out of no where a cat came up and climbed on his lap and started to purr ; which lightened his spirit. During my first divorce I was sitting on the steps of my empty house at night thinking that this is the lowest point in my life, when the neighbors cat did the same thing to me and it pulled me out of my funk.

[qubist]

Qubist, my life would probably make a good TV show or movie, I am like a cat nine lives. I am extremely emotional on the inside just not showing it. My FIL told me that my oldest son is taking this hard and that my WW said that he was sitting on the garage floor upset when out of no where a cat came up and climbed on his lap and started to purr ; which lightened his spirit. During my first divorce I was sitting on the steps of my empty house at night thinking that this is the lowest point in my life, when the neighbors cat did the same thing to me and it pulled me out of my funk.

how old are your kids? how are they reacting to all this?

I guess you are seeing your lawyer today, listen to his/her advises when it comes to legal stuff, most of us here can help you with all other issues but do not take any legal advice from the forum as much as we would like to help none of us knows more about the laws than you lawyer

[Clay]

I messed up and didn't read ahead

 

sorry.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I met my FIL last night for dinner , it started with pleasant conversation then he said that I am a family man and I have a responsibility to my family. He continued that as a father and a husband I am the head of the family and need to put it back together for the sake of the children. He advised me that what his daughter did was wrong and that there was no excuse for it, but I owe it to my family to attempt counseling to fix it.

 

He told me that I was family and he would support me but asked that I go to marriage counseling for a few sessions before I do something drastic that cannot be changed. I said that I would talk to the wife and arrange counseling to at least be able to coparent. My FIL also gave me a detailed letter from my wife with a plan to fix us. I was emotional , but said I would think and pray on it today.

[Bigdaddyt]

My FIL also told me that the word Father means sacrifice.

[qubist]

All: I met my FIL last night for dinner , it started with pleasant conversation then he said that I am a family man and I have a responsibility to my family. He continued that as a father and a husband I am the head of the family and need to put it back together for the sake of the children. He advised me that what his daughter did was wrong and that there was no excuse for it, but I owe it to my family to attempt counseling to fix it.

 

He told me that I was family and he would support me but asked that I go to marriage counseling for a few sessions before I do something drastic that cannot be changed. I said that I would talk to the wife and arrange counseling to at least be able to coparent. My FIL also gave me a detailed letter from my wife with a plan to fix us. I was emotional , but said I would think and pray on it today.

WOW that must've been hard for you and him. you also must have great respect for him too. he is right that you should not rush to a drastic decision but I hope he understand that you also need time to digest all what happened.

unless you have already decided to walk out of this ordeal which is BTW your right to do, I think MC is a good idea, a good MC therapist can help you both figure out where you stand in your relationship so you can decide whether to go on or not, the problem is you gotta make sure to pick a good one most therapist are not really qualified to be MC they just jumped on it because it making them money nowadays.

[Bigdaddyt]

WOW that must've been hard for you and him. you also must have great respect for him too. he is right that you should not rush to a drastic decision but I hope he understand that you also need time to digest all what happened.

unless you have already decided to walk out of this ordeal which is BTW your right to do, I think MC is a good idea, a good MC therapist can help you both figure out where you stand in your relationship so you can decide whether to go on or not, the problem is you gotta make sure to pick a good one most therapist are not really qualified to be MC they just jumped on it because it making them money nowadays.

 

Qubist, My FIL is very proper and old school. I do have a great deal of respect for him , that is why today is so emotional for me. I have shared so much about myself on this thread that only a handful of people know in real life. Some of the information is embarrassing, but unfortunately it is the truth.