Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[S2B]

All: I met my FIL last night for dinner , it started with pleasant conversation then he said that I am a family man and I have a responsibility to my family. He continued that as a father and a husband I am the head of the family and need to put it back together for the sake of the children. He advised me that what his daughter did was wrong and that there was no excuse for it, but I owe it to my family to attempt counseling to fix it.

 

He told me that I was family and he would support me but asked that I go to marriage counseling for a few sessions before I do something drastic that cannot be changed. I said that I would talk to the wife and arrange counseling to at least be able to coparent. My FIL also gave me a detailed letter from my wife with a plan to fix us. I was emotional , but said I would think and pray on it today.

 

You see? He's using guilt to try and move your position. That sucks mainly because YOU didn't cause this and YOU can't fix it.

 

And considering that your wife is BI - I'm not sure how he thinks she will fix it either.

 

And Father? Well, you will always be their Father and a divorce doesn't make a person any less of a Father. You can be a great Father without compromising your morals and standards.

[whatatangledweb]

My FIL also told me that the word Father means sacrifice.

 

Yes, we do sacrifice for our children. It does not mean keeping a serial cheater wife with no respect for you so that they live in an unhappy home. It will be hard for them but kids normally adapt to it. You can put them in counseling to help them.

 

Your FIL might not have meant to but he is trying to guilt you into staying. Do you believe if you were the serial cheater that he would tell her to stay?

 

List why you would be staying and why it is best to leave. I think in your case , the list to leave will be much higher.

[Bigdaddyt]

You see? He's using guilt to try and move your position. That sucks mainly because YOU didn't cause this and YOU can't fix it.

 

And considering that your wife is BI - I'm not sure how he thinks she will fix it either.

 

And Father? Well, you will always be their Father and a divorce doesn't make a person any less of a Father. You can be a great Father without compromising your morals and standards.

 

S2B, it does suck, but I believe that this is how an Italian old school gentleman thinks. I am truly trying to put this all in perspective and make to right choice. I will see the lawyer today at 4:00. I will make my decision by then.

[Bigdaddyt]

Yes, we do sacrifice for our children. It does not mean keeping a serial cheater wife with no respect for you so that they live in an unhappy home. It will be hard for them but kids normally adapt to it. You can put them in counseling to help them.

 

Your FIL might not have meant to but he is trying to guilt you into staying. Do you believe if you were the serial cheater that he would tell her to stay?

 

List why you would be staying and why it is best to leave. I think in your case , the list to leave will be much higher.

 

What, I have made the list in my head and I am working through this constantly. My family and friends have been calling me nonstop trying to work a united front against me.

[qubist]

My family and friends have been calling me nonstop trying to work a united front against me.

tell them if they really love you and care about you they should give time to calm down.

stick to your plan of filing for D, then take time to relax from this storm. you will be in a better position later to decide what's best for you

[Clay]

Its amazing just how people that are family members just want you to suck it up. Now you can guarantee if you don't give this relationship a go it will be all your fault. All her cheating and her behavior towards you.

 

Your just going to have to decide what you want to do. People only change when they want to change. The first serious part of changing is when the person identifies what they are doing wrong. Your wife right now can't even tell you part of the truth let alone the full truth.

 

I doubt seriously she will change even after ten years of counseling.

 

C

[m.snow]

how about you make a list of the things you want to change.

a list of things you want your wife to do. give that list to your wife.

 

maybe that's something you do in counseling.

 

if you do decide to R.

 

i think the reassurance from FIL is sincere enough. at least you know who to blame if it all falls apart. lol

 

but seriously this might be the toughest decision in your whole life!

 

i wish you only the best what ever your decision is.

 

~~~~~~~

but on the side note your wife married magic mike damn!

in the past do you dance in front of your wife to? damn? cant believe she'd leave that. totally her loss!

[qubist]

how about you make a list of the things you want to change.

a list of things you want your wife to do. give that list to your wife.

 

maybe that's something you do in counseling.

 

if you do decide to R.

 

i think the reassurance from FIL is sincere enough. at least you know who to blame if it all falls apart. lol

 

but seriously this might be the toughest decision in your whole life!

 

i wish you only the best what ever your decision is.

 

~~~~~~~

but on the side note your wife married magic mike damn!

in the past do you dance in front of your wife to? damn? cant believe she'd leave that. totally her loss!

I think if they go to MC he would have to present a list of his demands.

It is definitely the toughest decision he will ever make

Bigdaddyt: it easy for us to tell you do x, y or z but fact is only you will face its consequences. The only thing I can say to you are

1- if you decide to D and give her no chance nobody can blame you as long as you keep your support to your kids as a father.

2- if you decide to give a second chance try a R first before you commit to a second chance. present her with your demands and make it clear that you are trying to reconcile but do not guarantee you would be able to

[Bigdaddyt]

how about you make a list of the things you want to change.

a list of things you want your wife to do. give that list to your wife.

 

maybe that's something you do in counseling.

 

if you do decide to R.

 

i think the reassurance from FIL is sincere enough. at least you know who to blame if it all falls apart. lol

 

but seriously this might be the toughest decision in your whole life!

 

i wish you only the best what ever your decision is.

 

~~~~~~~

but on the side note your wife married magic mike damn!

in the past do you dance in front of your wife to? damn? cant believe she'd leave that. totally her loss!

 

MSnow, this is a tough choice and I am giving everything close consideration. I am leaning towards putting the divorce paperwork together and showing my WW, but not pulling the trigger until I at least complete a couple of counseling sessions. As for Magic BDT , I did that because I made more money in a night than I could in a week working. At the time I thought it was cool, now not so much. I would never allow my children to do that. Yes, I did dance for my wife.

[Buckeye2]

My FIL also gave me a detailed letter from my wife with aplan to fix us.

 

You had to fight tooth and nail to drag your wife kicking and literally screaming to get her to this point. It’s almost like you had to strap her into an electric chair before she would even consider changing her ways. She doesn’t deserve much credit for that.

 

I met my FIL last night for dinner, it started with pleasant conversation then he said that I am a family man and I have a responsibility to my family. He continued that as a father and a husband I am the head of the family and need to put it back together for the sake of the children.

 

Is it OK with your FIL if you get a divorce when your youngest is 18?

 

WHY DOES EVERYONE HOLD THE BS TO A HIGHER STANDARD THAN THE WS? The BS needs to be a saint because they are the good guy. The WS needs to be excused because they are broken.

 

Everyone wants you to go back to the way you were before you grew a backbone. That would solve everything and everyone could go back to their regular happy life except you.

[Bigdaddyt]

You had to fight tooth and nail to drag your wife kicking and literally screaming to get her to this point. It’s almost like you had to strap her into an electric chair before she would even consider changing her ways. She doesn’t deserve much credit for that.

 

 

 

Is it OK with your FIL if you get a divorce when your youngest is 18?

 

WHY DOES EVERYONE HOLD THE BS TO A HIGHER STANDARD THAN THE WS? The BS needs to be a saint because they are the good guy. The WS needs to be excused because they are broken.

 

Everyone wants you to go back to the way you were before you grew a backbone. That would solve everything and everyone could go back to their regular happy life except you.

 

Buckeye, my FIL is very Catholic and believes that marriage is for life. I am stressed out of my head right now, I am being held to a higher standard because I am the one filing for divorce. I am listening to everyone here and will make the right choice for me.

[TX-SC]

Soooo...

 

"Father" means sacrifice.

 

"Mother" means screw anyone you want with no consequences?

 

Damn, I didn't learn that in school.

[Bigdaddyt]

Soooo...

 

"Father" means sacrifice.

 

"Mother" means screw anyone you want with no consequences?

 

Damn, I didn't learn that in school.

 

TX, neither did I

[aliveagain]

Had it been you that had the affairs I am sure the advice from the family might be different. My guess is your FIL would probably still defend you if that were the case. I think she is getting it. It still comes down to what you want.

[TX-SC]

What were the basics of the letter? Did she finally come clean?

[Bigdaddyt]

What were the basics of the letter? Did she finally come clean?

 

TX, yes she finally gave up everything, she said that she was so stressed all the time that I was cheating it made her irrational and paranoid . She took full responsibility for everything. She even said she knew that she was emotionally abusive and couldn't stop herself. She is in IC and she said that the new counselor has helped her see everything that we had and she threw away. She was very honest and said that she told her parents everything and that they are disappointed in her.

She wants to live separately for now allowing me space, but would like to attend marriage counseling together and go on dates during the week. She said that she was sorry for hurting me and that her cheating really was about her not me.

[World's.Edge]

He continued that as a father and a husband I am the head of the family and need to put it back together for the sake of the children. He advised me that what his daughter did was wrong and that there was no excuse for it, but I owe it to my family to attempt counseling to fix it.

 

He told me that I was family and he would support me but asked that I go to marriage counseling for a few sessions before I do something drastic that cannot be changed. I said that I would talk to the wife and arrange counseling to at least be able to coparent. My FIL also gave me a detailed letter from my wife with a plan to fix us. I was emotional , but said I would think and pray on it today.

 

Off course he would say that. He may consider you family but she is his daughter, and nothing appeals more to a father's protective nature than seeing his little girl in distress.

 

Make no mistake, his words weren't the result of impartial consideration. She likely worked him too because she is aware of the level of respect you have for him. I mentioned before that she would involve friends and family in this and galvanize them to her plight, this is how it goes sometimes. You have to be resolute and not allow anyone to guilt you into wavering and questioning what you have to do.

 

My FIL also told me that the word Father means sacrifice.

That's a nice sentinemt, however:

fa·ther

ˈfäT͟Hər/

 

noun

A father is the male parent of a (human) child. A man in relation to his natural child or children. A biological father is the male genetic contributor to the creation of a (human) baby.

 

A father makes sacrifices when he must, but that doesn't mean he has to live like a martyr.

 

Buckeye, my FIL is very Catholic and believes that marriage is for life.

Then he should also be familiar with The Bible's stance on adultery, namely the 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' part, and that it makes allowances for divorce where infidelity is concerned.

 

 

He continued that as a father and a husband I am the head of the family and need to put it back together for the sake of the children.

Families exist in all forms, a divorce doesn't make you less of a father. I have close friends whose parents divorced when we were young and all have good lives, good relationships with their parents and family, and healthy attitudes towards relationships.

 

 

My family and friends have been calling me nonstop trying to work a united front against me.

The ones trying to pursuade you are likely speaking from a place of privilege of never having gone through adultery. None are familiar with your personal experience in the marriage and with infidelity: the disrespect, humiliation, pain, indignation, hurt, her cruel words and treatment of you and your heartache. It's easy enough to tell someone to move past something when one has no grasp or concept of that something.

 

 

You'll hear a lot of: you should give her another chance, do it for the children, she made a mistake, it was only.., how can you be so selfish/cruel/mean?, you have to move past this/get over it/forgive her, you're tearing your family apart, be a man, etc.

 

You should keep in mind that not everyone will have your best interest in mind, some may have their own agendas, and others may just love the drama and scandal of it all. Your wife likely presents herself as a totally different person to them than the woman you know her to be, so in their minds, you're being unfair and mean to a sweet, caring and woman who made a little mistake.

[TX-SC]

Go with your heart and what you know about your wife. If you think she has it in her to make a change, and you really WANT to stay with her, then that choice is yours. But, there has to be 100% access to all social media, email, texts, etc. And, she has to cut out her toxic friends. She just simply has to dump them from her life. They are not a friend to your marriage and will derail her again. She also needs to stop the GNO crap and focus on you. GNO is not a good thing for women like your wife. Some women, especially those with honest friends, can handle it. Your wife cannot.

 

She has to focus on finding out why she felt so entitled and was willing to run you down while cheating. Some cheaters do that to feel better about it. Many others cheat, but compartmentalize it. Even though they cheat, they still refuse to talk bad about their H. Your wife cheated and ALSO talked crap about you. She will have to work hard to undo that.

 

Your FIL is only protecting his daughter. His notion that the man is the rock that must endure for the family is outdated garbage that doesn't ring true today. There was a time when the man WAS the steady foundation for the marriage. The wife was thought of as little more than another child to endure and "teach" right from wrong. If she does wrong, slap her on the wrist and tell her she's being a bad wife. Then, as husband and father, bear the weight of her actions. We all know that marriages are a 50/50 responsibility and each spouse is responsible for their part. You do not have to bear the weight of her actions. SHE has to bear part of that weight. And, the idea that all divorce is horrible on the children isn't always true. My parents divorced when I was 10. I gained a new step dad and step mom eventually and it was a positive experience in the end.

 

So, don't let the FIL influence you. Use your heart and mind and decide what is best for you and your kids.

 

I am so glad to see that the fog is lifting for her and she has finally confessed. She appears to have very strong lesbian tendancies. She is bi, but she appears to really favor female affection. You'll really have to consider that in your final decision and It must eventually be addressed.

[eric1]

You need to proceed with plan, BDT.

 

That it took you getting the the goal line to even get something other than outright contempt is an action. Judge by actions. Remember what she really thinks is what you caught on the VAR. She KNOWS you are not cheating, and is doubly certain now. Yes she still thinks of you as **** to her friends. What she is doing now is saving face, pure and simple.

 

husband I am the head of the family and need to put it back together for the sake of the children.

Your role as a two-member team raising the children is set them up to succeed as happy adults. Keeping them in a poisonous environment isn't what the responsible adult does.

 

He advised me that what his daughter did was wrong and that there was no excuse for it, but I owe it to my family to attempt counseling to fix it.

 

Within the context of your marriage vows you do, but those marriage vows became null and void when she decided to step outside the marriage. Your committment now is to your children, then to yourself... in that order.

 

 

My FIL also gave me a detailed letter from my wife with a plan to fix us.

 

Your wife still refuses to take action and instead needs to rely on her stereotypical "I'll fix everything" Italian dad to come to her rescue.

 

 

 

I'd be insulted if I were you. I do not wish to kick a hornet's nest, but I don't see how last night was anything but a negative.

[Clay]

I think the real question is how long do you think all these people telling you to give her another chance would put up with this same things. Sure you can ask them but just like the others have stated they are not exactly being honest at this point in time or really reasonable. The damage done to you by her is not something you can just forget about. Your always going to carry this. If you stay and she continues this behavior you can expect your kids will learn that they have to shutup and live with it too.

 

Its not to say that you cant try to make it work but just look at how many people come back here and other sites 5 or 8 years later and fail because they just can't do it anymore. Once someone kills the love you have for them you can't just get it back. Sure them trying to win you over is nice but it doesn't really work that way. Its really hard to explain but its really like they have died to you and the person you are looking at is no longer the person you fell in love with and you don't know who this new person is.

 

Hoping the old person will eventually come back is just that. Its hope and its sadly not going to get anyone very far. She has to be beyond willing to not only address her issues but cut off all toxic friends. Sadly most of your recovery will be based on watching her every move and waiting on her to see if she really does learn. It doesn't sound like much of a life to me.

 

I feel for you. I know its going to be hard either way you look at it.

 

C

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I am headed to my lawyers office, my intent for now is to complete the paperwork for divorce and file . I may wait until we complete a counseling session, but will wait to speak with my attorney before I do anything. I am super stressed, I am completely drained from worrying about this. I have read all of the posts and Thankyou for your input, I will update later. I agreed to meet WW tonight with my boys for dinner. She also needs money for school stuff.

[S2B]

Any smart Father out there would encourage an environment where his daughter would be in a continual relationship for a man to provide for her and take care of her.

 

Overlooking what she's become is no good for any of you.

 

 

If she needs money tell her to get a job.

 

 

And file for divorce. The time can run while you make your decision later.

 

 

One thing is for sure = your wife will NOT be one but motivated to change if you don't move forward with the divorce (for now, at least).

 

Not filing sends a terrible message to her that you are ok with what she has created.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I just filed for no fault divorce this evening the lawyer said it will talk a few days to complete. I will hand deliver her a copy if she will work with me or I will have her served if not. I am going to meet her and the children shortly and I will tell her. I am prepared to tell her that I will go to marriage counseling with her and go out on date nights to see if we can be saved.

We can never go back to where we were .

[qubist]

All: I just filed for no fault divorce this evening the lawyer said it will talk a few days to complete. I will hand deliver her a copy if she will work with me or I will have her served if not. I am going to meet her and the children shortly and I will tell her. I am prepared to tell her that I will go to marriage counseling with her and go out on date nights to see if we can be saved.

We can never go back to where we were .

 

good luck my friend. filing was the right decision she knows now how serious you are.

she will have all the time to prove she is worth a second chance

[eric1]

Best of luck buddy. No advice tonight, you ARE going to get through this and I hope that whatever good vibes that we can send you way will help you in whatever way that they can.