Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[afoolto no end]

I was also at the 22 year mark when my life was ripped from me.......to have to give up something when it wasn't your choice is so hard, I don't think I will ever be the same person again..........

And for what my husband's affair was only for a few months, gave up everything he was and everything we were for that............

It is hard to make sense of who they chose to be........we can't ever understand we just have to protect ourselves and get the help we need to deal with the losses.............

[turnera]

I've been married 35 years and I think regularly of leaving this marriage; I'd be happy renting a room from some old lady if it gets me away from the stress. There's a woman on another forum in her 60s who just divorced her husband for his cheating 30 years ago; she just decided she didn't want to live a lie the years she had left; and she is SO happy. Just sayin' that being with a person is not the only source of happiness.

[Bigdaddyt]

I'm glad to see you are being strong!

 

My relationship now, with him, is good for me because I choose to keep him at a safe distance. He is a true narcissist. He is only capable of thinking if himself. He never imagined he would get caught. He never imagined I would divorce him. But I did. He remarried again and he still tells my kids he wishes we were still married. I won't allow myself to be his victim anymore.

 

I broke free and now it feels like I have my life back. It took me a while to gain my footing but I learned to implement some key tools to help myself. Boundaries are key! MY safe and healthy boundaries to keep him at a distance.

 

I communicate with my kids directly.

I never need to ask "his" permission anymore. (I have to remind him of this)

I also have had to remind him we aren't married anymore.

I remind him not to step into my life.

I use a solid list of "rules of engagement" to keep him out of my life.

 

When asked any questions from him I respond with:

Yes

No

Maybe

I'll give that some consideration

Let me get back to you

I didn't ask for your opinion

That's yours to handle, not mine

...and a few others but I'm not thinking of them at the moment...

 

You see, he tries hard to enter my life but it's my job to keep him out of my life. He will always attempt to manipulate and control me. I had to learn to not respond to him, to not be controlled anymore.

 

For these things I needed help. I was always too nice, too soft and easily swayed by him. I had to learn a new way that looked out for my best interest.

 

 

Will he always love me? Yes. But his brand of love looks much different than others. He only capable of thinking of himself.

 

Did I forgive him? Yes? Did he ask? No. I offered. I didn't want him having ANY power over me. I wanted to take MY power BACK. That was freedom. Letting go of the anger and becoming free was key. I am no longer affected by what he does or doesn't do - that is his, not mine.

 

Neutral is key. I try to stay as neutral and unaffected by him as possible.

 

When my kids have a complaint about him I tell them to talk to him directly about how they feel. I don't want to be in the middle of his manipulation.

 

 

You see, when someone is that selfish and unfeeling - you can't change THEM - you can only change how YOU act or react.

 

I don't have any reaction to his drama anymore. He loves that drama. He would act and I would react. Now, no more REACTIONS from me. It takes the fun out of his game plan when there's NO reaction whatsoever.

 

His new victim is his newer wife. He cheats on her now. Even from this safe distance it's obvious he's cheating. He can't be alone so he remarried - but he can't be faithful either so he cheats.

 

He needs constant ego strokes and validation. He will get it from anywhere.

 

I can't fix him. I can only help myself.

 

It takes courage and strength to break free. To stay free even more effort was needed. He begged me to go back. Never, ever would I betray myself again.

 

You see, he had cheated at the 10 year mark and I did forgive him then. We did have more years of what looked like a super happy marriage. We had it all - yet he still cheated again! Even after so much work and so much counseling.

 

And I realized after being away from him for a while how many red flags I overlooked. How I should have known but didn't, or my mind didn't allow me to admit that maybe something wasn't right.

 

I also had to distance myself from his family. I loved them but they justified and made excuses for his bad behavior - acting like I was supposed to be okay with it and wanting me to continue being the victim to all his crap and wreckage = no thank you!

 

But I'm glad I know now.

 

This freedom is awesome. I have my peace of mind now, again.

 

It has taken me a while to trust men again. But seeing men like you be strong and courageous and with integrity gives me hope that there are decent and kind men in the world.

 

I hope you will seek support from a counselor. It helps to process the trauma and to let it go.

 

Keep your best interest in mind and keep her brand of crazy at a safe distance.

S2B, I printed your response so that I can read it when I am feeling unsure of myself or I feel week. Your strength you show is amazing and I truly like your list of responses I will have to memorize them.

Last night my STBXW returned home to take the boys and she asked me to stay for a family dinner; which I did. We watched a movie as a family and it was almost like old times, until my wifes phone recorded that she had received a voice mail without the phone ringing. She played it without checking who it was from and it was a very drunk man singing Happy Birthday to Amanada,(Not my wifes name) My STBXW Birthday is next week and her girlfriends took her to the casinos to celebrate early. She looked terrified and said that it must be a mistake or one of hergirlfriends must have given her number to someone without her knowing it, She tried to blame shift this and went on the attack. I just stood up smiled and said you are up to your old ways again. I wish you happiness in your new life, but we are so done you F___ing B____. I left left, she has been blowing uo my phone but I wount answer. I went to church this morning and she showed up with the kids and sat next to me. I spoke to the kids only and left, she stood crying in the parking lot. I guess she reaaly thinks that I am that much of a stooge to believe her. The pain of this disrespect is unbearable sometimes.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[Bigdaddyt]

I was also at the 22 year mark when my life was ripped from me.......to have to give up something when it wasn't your choice is so hard, I don't think I will ever be the same person again..........

And for what my husband's affair was only for a few months, gave up everything he was and everything we were for that............

It is hard to make sense of who they chose to be........we can't ever understand we just have to protect ourselves and get the help we need to deal with the losses.............

Afool, I am sorry for your pain no one deserves to have this inflicted on them by a selfish liar. I have found in life that the best possible revenge is to live well!

[Bigdaddyt]

I've been married 35 years and I think regularly of leaving this marriage; I'd be happy renting a room from some old lady if it gets me away from the stress. There's a woman on another forum in her 60s who just divorced her husband for his cheating 30 years ago; she just decided she didn't want to live a lie the years she had left; and she is SO happy. Just sayin' that being with a person is not the only source of happiness.

Turnera, I am sorry for your suffering as well, I do not have the strength to stay married as you have choosen to do. I wish that I did, but the disrespect is physicalling killing me. I am a very physically strong person and I fear that one day I am going to snap becuase of her mental abuse and do something that I would regret. That is why I left the marital house against everyones advice. It is the lessor of the two evils for me.

[Marc878]

Ugh, well it may have been a good thing.

 

Nothing like a good reminder of what you're leaving behind.

 

Get out and don't look back.

[Bigdaddyt]

Ugh, well it may have been a good thing.

 

Nothing like a good reminder of what you're leaving behind.

 

Get out and don't look back.

Marc, I am going to get out but unfortunately I will probably always look back, at what could have been.

[Bigdaddyt]

I forgot:

 

The first rule of engagement is: do not engage!

 

Another one is: Hmmmm

 

 

Imagine ONLY saying Hmmmm when her voicemail message was played. Then leaving immediately after.

S2B, I will work hard at disengaging, I started therapy IC on Friday, he basically said that I was so accustomed to tolerating abuse as a child, I do not have the tools to recognize or deal with it as an adult.

[happyman64]

S2B, I will work hard at disengaging, I started therapy IC on Friday, he basically said that I was so accustomed to tolerating abuse as a child, I do not have the tools to recognize or deal with it as an adult.

 

Really?

 

 

You recognized the telephone call for what it was.

 

 

You called her out on it and left. I would say you recognize the abuse and you are no longer tolerating it.

 

 

Sad that your wife is left in the parking lot and crying. But she put herself there.

 

 

You no longer choose to.

 

 

You should communicate that to her. Be clear. Be calm.

 

 

HM

[TX-SC]

Wow, so much disrespect!

[aliveagain]

S2B, I printed your response so that I can read it when I am feeling unsure of myself or I feel week. Your strength you show is amazing and I truly like your list of responses I will have to memorize them.

Last night my STBXW returned home to take the boys and she asked me to stay for a family dinner; which I did. We watched a movie as a family and it was almost like old times, until my wifes phone recorded that she had received a voice mail without the phone ringing. She played it without checking who it was from and it was a very drunk man singing Happy Birthday to Amanada,(Not my wifes name) My STBXW Birthday is next week and her girlfriends took her to the casinos to celebrate early. She looked terrified and said that it must be a mistake or one of hergirlfriends must have given her number to someone without her knowing it, She tried to blame shift this and went on the attack. I just stood up smiled and said you are up to your old ways again. I wish you happiness in your new life, but we are so done you F___ing B____. I left left, she has been blowing uo my phone but I wount answer. I went to church this morning and she showed up with the kids and sat next to me. I spoke to the kids only and left, she stood crying in the parking lot. I guess she reaaly thinks that I am that much of a stooge to believe her. The pain of this disrespect is unbearable sometimes.

 

Are you sh*tting me? Well he had the right phone number and most likely the right alias she gave him. Sounds like the other husbands need to be informed about the activities of the wives that were with her and what they were really up to. Why don't you tell your soon to be ex wife to loose your number? She needs a psychiatric evaluation done, maybe some of her marbles came loose in her car accident or perhaps she may have a serious medical issue that is showing up in erratic behaviour. Distance yourself friend.

[Bigdaddyt]

Are you sh*tting me? Well he had the right phone number and most likely the right alias she gave him. Sounds like the other husbands need to be informed about the activities of the wives that were with her and what they were really up to. Why don't you tell your soon to be ex wife to loose your number? She needs a psychiatric evaluation done, maybe some of her marbles came loose in her car accident or perhaps she may have a serious medical issue that is showing up in erratic behaviour. Distance yourself friend.

Alive, That is the truth, I am still shaking thinking about it. She just has no respect for me, I am at a loss to understand why. I guess at this point it really doesn't matter. I will stick to the 180 and have almost not contact with her.

[Bigdaddyt]

Well now I know that she goes by the name Amanda, this just makes me realize what I truly have on my hands. I cannot wait to have her served. I did tell her parents and Sisters and cousins about everything. I didn't share this it is just too much over the top and after I told everyone. I am truly physically ill over this . She will regret her decisions, but it is already too late.

[Marc878]

Marc, I am going to get out but unfortunately I will probably always look back, at what could have been.

 

I know. I really feel for you.

 

When she plays the pity party later REMEMBER.

 

Instead of thinking about the good times REMEMBER, she'll fade quicker

 

If you had or have any doubts REMEMBER

 

I wish you the very best.

[TX-SC]

Well now I know that she goes by the name Amanda, this just makes me realize what I truly have on my hands. I cannot wait to have her served. I did tell her parents and Sisters and cousins about everything. I didn't share this it is just too much over the top and after I told everyone. I am truly physically ill over this . She will regret her decisions, but it is already too late.

 

In future conversations, refer to her only as Amanda. That's her "whore name", so now that you know it, use it. Refuse to use her real name except for legal purposes.

Edited September 13, 2015 by TX-SC

[66Charger]

Surely your not surprised by the phone call. I understand its been a long term marriage, but come on now. You are wasting emotional energy on the unworthy.

 

You should serve her and then go do the trainer.

[qubist]

Bigdaddyt: this is a tough time for you. It you will make it, she is a mess and she knows it too she just doesn't have no idea how to deal with it, remember that your plan when you filed is to make her face it abviousely this wasn't enough of a slap on her face. You need to go strict NC it is better for both of you. Like other posters suggested no more family diner with her, church going or any other socializing with her. In fact if you want a family diner or lunch take your kids out to a restaurant without her.

bigdaddyt do not let this stress you out

[aliveagain]

What are the chances of a positive hit if you search her email or name on that Ashley Madison exposure site. What if you checked out her married girlfriends that went to the casino's with her? I think you just need to serve her, let a process server do it. The fact she's a stay at home mother is going to cost you big time when it comes to support payments. The only big change in her lifestyle will be she'll have to have someone watch the kids because you won't be living with her. Just so sad.

[ShatteredLady]

Women DO NOT always get 50/50 custody if they are not fit mothers! Please remember what I've posted about our friend & old neighbor. He has FULL custody of his children because of his ex WW's dangerously inappropriate behavior. Please don't assume that the courts won't grant you full custody if it's in the best interests of the children. I know it's very hard for a hard working father but he's always found a way to give his kids everything they need in every way.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I know this is F---- up, but it is what it is. I am at a lost how to address this, I will have her served this week. That is my only option. I am a really good person, but there is only so much that I can do.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I know this is F---- up, but it is what it is. I am at a lost how to address this, I will have her served this week. That is my only option. I am a really good person, but there is only so much that I can do.

 

I really am depressed tonight and I have had too much to drink. I am super stressed ,but I will sit in my new place and keep it together. I know better times are coming. I will call my lawyer on Monday .

[TX-SC]

Alcohol is a depressant. I don't suggest that to provide yourself with relief or solutions.

 

Hugs!

 

Been there done that one too... Haven't had a drink now for almost 8 years. I made myself miserable with drinking while my divorce was being finalized.

 

Just don't!

 

Agreed. Drop the booze.

[qubist]

Bigdaddyt: depression and Alchool are a bad combination stay away from it. Go out running or go to the gym instead. You are depressed because you spent too much emotional energy the last 3 weeks. It's time to relax my friend you did everything in your power to "ride the storm" you should be proud of yourself

[ShatteredLady]

Think about your children & your future. I know it's REALLY tempting to self medicate but you'll end-up feeling worse in the long run. Don't do anything you'll regret later. NO PHONE CALLS!! Remain NO CONTACT! Our judgement is rarely good after a few drinks.

 

No one can blame you after all you've been through. Stay strong.

[Civil]

You're on the cusp of your best life. You really are. And it's a nerve wracking place to be.

 

When it was my turn, the accumulated shocks were spinning me. Acute pain, yes, but it did not last. No matter how difficult, each day thereafter was incrementally better. And I was quickly referred for CBT. That homework was a job, but it put decades of bad stuff in its proper place. In the past. A piece of the story, not it's theme.