qubist Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 bigdaddyt: I'm so sorry about what you are dealing with. D is the way to go for right now in my opinion. People that are pushing you to consider MC might have good intentions but they don't know much about MC. I personally do not see anything good would come from a joint MC . But I do recommend that you suggest to her to seriously consider IC. She needs it. I don't know that for sure but I think she loves you as a husband and a father of her kids but she is not a wife material. D is must and hopefully will benefit both of you. It will give a chance to break off this ordeal and set calmly to evaluate all what went wrong, and also you will see how she react to this. Take care of yourself you need to relax 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 You should search a old story on this forum by Jack O'neil sg1. ". No more depression. Read the story if you have time. You could have wrote Jacks story Would you be kind enough to give a link? Thanks ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 When she is served she is likely to cause/throw a little temper tantrum like a two year old. The best reaction from you is absolutely no reaction. Let her sit alone with the mess that SHE has created in her life. Do/say nothing. S2B, it is done, my phone is exploding with calls and texts. Text are saying not to D she will do anything to fix us. She will agree to any and all conditions . I am in hiding just riding this storm out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I would do your best to not even read the messages. She will use any manipulation she can to keep her safe place with you. You supported her. You watch your kids while she went out and had her fun. She is seeing all that come to a end. I also agree with the others. Sell the house and cut all financial agreements with her as soon as possible. Its not just about someone else living in that house. The years and wear and tear on that house will also bring the house value down. A clean financial break is in your best interest. I understand there might be other things you have to factor in like child support and alimony. Aside of that treat this just like a business deal that went to hell. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 precisely. She is merely trying to manipulate you. She's telling a lie that she'll do anything to keep you guys together, because she already had that opportunity and she chose to go gambling with her friends and strange men instead. What she's actually saying is "I've established the minimum that I need to do, how to I get back to right above that line again?" I concur with blocking her line, tell her if she needs you to have her dad (or one of your friends) call you as an intermediary. NOTHING good will come from communicating at all over the next 48 hours (child safety excepted of course) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) I would have said use the opportunity to get the whole truth and polygraph, but to be honest, based on your recent post, you are done. So my only advice would be not to war. Stand firm and tell her you are going to let the lawyers and mediators do the talking. Talk to your children alone, one on one. Get yourself situated for you and your boys. Focus on stability for them. Do not answer the phone, do not take visitors especially from the FIL.. Let it be done. Ride out this storm. Ps. I dont know how to link but if you search the name on the infidelity forum, the thread will come up under the title or Jack oneils name. Edited September 15, 2015 by 66Charger 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Stay strong my friend. You are making the right decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redbird Fly Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Ugh. I don't know about everyone else, but I just feel so sad "watching" all of this play out. BDT, your wife seems like she is in total melt-down. Not knowing anything but what you write, we can't tell whether she is manipulating or having a major personal crisis. But I honestly fear for her. Not saying that you should make a different decision. Just that it sounds like she needs some help. I can't recall if you've shared the ages of your children...but please do what you can to shelter them from this. It has the potential to be so damaging. You are doing the best you can. If there is any way possible, I would not tolerate this level of drama. To all who are "blowing you up", perhaps you can communicate to them that this is simply not their call and you will not communicate with them any further unless this is handled maturely. I would lay down some boundaries. You sound like the kind of person others will listen to. It just sounds like too much. I am just empathizing from a bunch of directions here...yours first in that you have just been victimized and gut-punched and are now dealing with a marriage shattered. And your wife too...she seems to be realizing what she's done and the consequences of her actions and it may all be too much for her to handle. What we do, everything has a consequence, good and bad. It is just very sad. I'm so sorry BDT. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Remember every time she calls or texts that before when she said she would do anything...she went to Vegas instead. I am so sorry for your pain and the pressure you are getting from other people. You have to live your life, they don't. Ignore her or you will get pulled into drama that you don't need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 All: I have a lot going on, but I am hanging tough. I will try to respond to everyone tomorrow . Redbird, do not be discouraged by my drama make your outcome that you want. I do know that my wife loves me, we are just at different places now and we can't go back. I have three children D19, S17 and S10. We will survive and I will always be there for them and they know this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 BIgdaddyt: very important: I have a fiend who's a pro therapist, I was telling him about your case he even read your thread ( most of it) base on his experience he really believes that your wife suffers from Borderline personality disorder. he has seen similar situation. she needs to be evaluated by pro immediately talk to your family doctor about it then have them recommend a pro that specialize on BPD. if she has BPD things will even get worst with her. she is the mother of your kids after all. read about BPD you will understand more about her behavior her is a link from national institute of health " BPD 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 BIgdaddyt: very important: I have a fiend who's a pro therapist, I was telling him about your case he even read your thread ( most of it) base on his experience he really believes that your wife suffers from Borderline personality disorder. he has seen similar situation. she needs to be evaluated by pro immediately talk to your family doctor about it then have them recommend a pro that specialize on BPD. if she has BPD things will even get worst with her. she is the mother of your kids after all. read about BPD you will understand more about her behavior her is a link from national institute of health " BPD Qubist, Your friend is probably right, I have recently suspected that she has issues. I am not heartless she is the mother of my children and I will make sure that she receives the care she needs . I am going forward with the D and I will make sure that I do so as kindly as is possible. She is currently hysterical and I will probably go home tonight because my children are begging me to. I am the Father and I must always put them first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Qubist, Your friend is probably right, I have recently suspected that she has issues. I am not heartless she is the mother of my children and I will make sure that she receives the care she needs . I am going forward with the D and I will make sure that I do so as kindly as is possible. She is currently hysterical and I will probably go home tonight because my children are begging me to. I am the Father and I must always put them first. My friend has been a professional therapist for the last 14 years and knows what he is talking about. I made him read your thread he promised me last week but was busy. he read it today and immediately called me. he is confident that she has BPD. do not disregard this. talk to your physician about it. she needs help badly D is the way to go, so stick to your guns, if you really have to go back home tonight be ready for drama. just explain to her that at this moment you are not able to talk about the 2 of you. tell her you are just a man a human being with emotions and that you need a break 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 So, Amanda is having some issues? It's not like we couldn't see THAT coming. I do agree that she should be tested, and treated for BPD, or any other issues she may have. I think her biggest issue is the "me first" syndrome. Her needs and feeling come first. Since she is now losing something, she is throwing a fit and making it all about HER again, even if she is SAYING that it's all for you. You see? She is turning this around to try and make you feel bad about HER. It never was about you. It's always about her. "I'm putting myself on the line for you. I'm going to Vegas to make me a better wife for YOU!" It's all about her. Go read the story by VeryBrokenMan. In his instance, he eventually found out that his wife has a degenerative issue that caused all of what she did. Your wife may very well have a mental disorder (or perhaps even physical) that is making her act this way. Don't rule out that possibility. But, even if the affairs were due to some mental or physical issues, you still are within your rights to walk away from the marriage. Take care of the kids and get them away from their mom if she is unstable right now. I'm not sure that going back home is the right way to handle this though. There will be lots of crying and begging and the kids will see this. It will make them feel like you are HURTING their mother. They will ask why you are so mean to her. It's best not to be in that situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 So, Amanda is having some issues? It's not like we couldn't see THAT coming. I do agree that she should be tested, and treated for BPD, or any other issues she may have. I think her biggest issue is the "me first" syndrome. Her needs and feeling come first. Since she is now losing something, she is throwing a fit and making it all about HER again, even if she is SAYING that it's all for you. You see? She is turning this around to try and make you feel bad about HER. It never was about you. It's always about her. "I'm putting myself on the line for you. I'm going to Vegas to make me a better wife for YOU!" It's all about her. Go read the story by VeryBrokenMan. In his instance, he eventually found out that his wife has a degenerative issue that caused all of what she did. Your wife may very well have a mental disorder (or perhaps even physical) that is making her act this way. Don't rule out that possibility. But, even if the affairs were due to some mental or physical issues, you still are within your rights to walk away from the marriage. Take care of the kids and get them away from their mom if she is unstable right now. I'm not sure that going back home is the right way to handle this though. There will be lots of crying and begging and the kids will see this. It will make them feel like you are HURTING their mother. They will ask why you are so mean to her. It's best not to be in that situation. All: I just hate drama, I will take care of the kids and remove them if necessary, I will speak to my in laws as well. S2B I won't dance with her or for her. Remember I quit dancing some time ago. This just sucks but I am strong and I promised myself not to drink until this is over. Qubist, I don't know too much about BPD but will read up. I have read VBM thread and will reevaluate if she is diagnosed with an illness or condition .ugh Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 BigaddyT: with all my respect to S2B and TX, I don't believe that taking your kids with you is a good idea unless you want her to commit a suicide. If you miss your kids you can take them out to dinner or breakfast. go see them in school but taking them with you to your new place is not necessary. i also believe that you should not go back home tonight, you might not be ready for her drama. stay away and get her some help. good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 BigaddyT: with all my respect to S2B and TX, I don't believe that taking your kids with you is a good idea unless you want her to commit a suicide. If you miss your kids you can take them out to dinner or breakfast. go see them in school but taking them with you to your new place is not necessary. i also believe that you should not go back home tonight, you might not be ready for her drama. stay away and get her some help. good luck Suicide or murder-suicide? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Suicide or murder-suicide? maybe both. my point is the purpose of all this is to get himself out of this mess not to punish her. i don't think BDT is looking to hurt his STBXW. so I thing it would be wise if he leaves the kids with her for now, he said in an earlier post that she's always been a good mother to them. Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 maybe both. my point is the purpose of all this is to get himself out of this mess not to punish her. i don't think BDT is looking to hurt his STBXW. so I thing it would be wise if he leaves the kids with her for now, he said in an earlier post that she's always been a good mother to them. I understand. But, my point is that if she is mentally unstable enough to commit suicide, he needs to have her parents or a professional watch her and get the kids away from her. If she is that upset and unstable, she might commit suicide where the kids might find her, or she might do worse. Now, I'm not arguing that she is that unstable, but you did mention suicide. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 A good Mother doesn't bring drama and messes to their kids lives...especially by cheating and acting like she's two separate people. I can't see where she qualified as a "good Mother" - she just went partying in Vegas! No, that isn't a good Mother! agreed, he probably meant that she never treated them bad, I guess BDT can answer this. i still think he shouldn't take them with him now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 agreed, he probably meant that she never treated them bad, I guess BDT can answer this. i still think he shouldn't take them with him now Qubist, S2B, TX, I am at the house with my in laws and a friend, I am going to stay the night, you all are not wrong, but I can never not be there for my children. I told my wife that I must have a break from all of this upset and I cannot talk about us. My in laws are also staying will post in the morning. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Qubist, S2B, TX, I am at the house with my in laws and a friend, I am going to stay the night, you all are not wrong, but I can never not be there for my children. I told my wife that I must have a break from all of this upset and I cannot talk about us. My in laws are also staying will post in the morning. Bigdaddyt you are a great man. I have the most respect to people that put their children interest above all considerations. It's good that your IL and friend is there too. Maybe this is a good opportunity to suggest she go gettested and treated if needed 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) BDT, some posts back I suggested you have her evaluated because she almost sounds like she's bipolar. Poor with money, can sell ice cubes to Eskimo's but never finish the sale, life of the party, hyper sexed when up but tends to crash heavily and can be suicidal when manic, infidelity is a symptom. You can have a rockem sockem blow out and an hour later she can act like nothing happened. She needs to be evaluated because if she is mentally ill and unable to handle the situation she could become suicidal. Is there a history of depression or other associated disease's in her family? My ex was bipolar, there is no cure but with the proper medication it can be managed and she can lead a very normal life. She attempted suicide three times, once a month before I left and twice after I left. She lost her older two son's, her ex got custody of them. Her affair child was put into foster care until she could prove she could take care of him properly, that took her over a year to get him back. Please have her looked act, get her family involved. Edited September 16, 2015 by aliveagain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) I have three children D19, S17 and S10. We will survive and I will always be there for them and they know this. after a good and careful analysis, I seem to have found something. not necessarily the problem but a catalyst. "Empty Nester Syndrome!":D As time and again. When children reach a certain age mothers tend to go cray2x. It something you really need to brace for. she needs therapy! Edited September 16, 2015 by m.snow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Qubist, Your friend is probably right, I have recently suspected that she has issues. I am not heartless she is the mother of my children and I will make sure that she receives the care she needs . I am going forward with the D and I will make sure that I do so as kindly as is possible. She is currently hysterical and I will probably go home tonight because my children are begging me to. I am the Father and I must always put them first. Bigdaddyt, I'm going to take the stand that the jury is not out. Your wife may have some serious health issues that has cause a lot of her actions. I'm not excusing her, but BPD is very serious, and should be seriously treated. I might go so far as to say TAKE her to get her some help, don't rely on her to do it herself. (Do that because you still care, not because you're condoning what she did). I've been with a person that has BPD things and caused a LOT of grief and major problems. Not nice, but is curable. Sure, she's done some awful shi*, but she is still a human being and needs help. You can continue with the D, but make you OWN choices as things develop. Don't let your divorce lawyer make your decisions, only let him advise you with legal advise. You really sound like a sharp guy who's gone thru hell. I'm betting you'll come out ok, but there's lots yet to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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