Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[turnera]

Qubist, Your friend is probably right, I have recently suspected that she has issues. I am not heartless she is the mother of my children and I will make sure that she receives the care she needs . I am going forward with the D and I will make sure that I do so as kindly as is possible. She is currently hysterical and I will probably go home tonight because my children are begging me to. I am the Father and I must always put them first.

And once you DO go home and calm her down, you OWE it to your kids to sit them down and tell them the truth and say she has hurt you to the core and you don't know if you can stay with her and that, if you can't, you will work to get her into professional therapy so SHE can fix HER problems - which are not YOUR problems.

 

That's a valuable life lesson for your kids to learn - you can love someone, but it's not your job to SACRIFICE yourself for that person.

[m.snow]

I have three children D19, S17 and S10. We will survive and I will always be there for them and they know this.

 

things seem to fall into perspective now.

 

wait about that casino thing. you mentioned awhile back she let you watch the kids while she went to the casino.

going to a casino when your kids are young 9,7&5 is a whole lot different than going to a casino when your kids are all grown up 19,17 & 10

(you should have sent the 19yo to watch her mom).

 

your kids are pretty grown up, aren't they telling their mom about what she is doing?

 

the FIL is missing a few cogs there. what was he talking about sacrifice again? you got a 19yo and 17yo. that's enough sacrifice if you dont mind me, thank you! FIL your argument is invalid.

 

I dont see a problem with a divorce. but Im glad your not totally leaving WW in the dust. your a good man good luck.

Edited September 16, 2015 by m.snow

[66Charger]

I am sorry but none of this sits right.

 

Why did your kids call and beg you to come home?

 

What was told to them? Why was this told to them without consultation?

 

Did she tell them to call their father and beg him to come home?

 

A 10 year old? And teenagers. On the day she was served?

 

I am sorry that is straight out manipulation.

 

Your only a Father. You must sacrifice. Even if she cheated AGAIN 2 DAYS AGO. She pulled the card and he went running.

 

Boy, i bet BDT is getting the screws put on him about right now.

 

Its his life, but who didn't see this coming.

Edited September 16, 2015 by 66Charger

[Bigdaddyt]

Bigdaddyt you are a great man. I have the most respect to people that put their children interest above all considerations.

It's good that your IL and friend is there too. Maybe this is a good opportunity to suggest she go gettested and treated if needed

 

Qubist, as always Thankyou for your kindness, but I am just a Dad. Anyone here if your children called and asked for you to help them would give the same answer. I am on the way.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, some posts back I suggested you have her evaluated because she almost sounds like she's bipolar. Poor with money, can sell ice cubes to Eskimo's but never finish the sale, life of the party, hyper sexed when up but tends to crash heavily and can be suicidal when manic, infidelity is a symptom. You can have a rockem sockem blow out and an hour later she can act like nothing happened. She needs to be evaluated because if she is mentally ill and unable to handle the situation she could become suicidal. Is there a history of depression or other associated disease's in her family?

 

My ex was bipolar, there is no cure but with the proper medication it can be managed and she can lead a very normal life. She attempted suicide three times, once a month before I left and twice after I left. She lost her older two son's, her ex got custody of them. Her affair child was put into foster care until she could prove she could take care of him properly, that took her over a year to get him back. Please have her looked act, get her family involved.

 

Alive, I remember your posts, I have spoken to Wife and in laws and I will take her to be properly evaluated as soon as possible . I am going to move back home and wife will move in with her parents until medical is sorted out. D will not be stopped, told wife we have six months until final, a lot can happen. I am balancing being strong and caring.

The 180 has caused me to start to lose my feeling towards her. I know she feels it and has told me so. This is a difficult time but I am managing. I am back at gym and no more pity parties! I am still standing and will do the right thing for me and my family.

[Bigdaddyt]

after a good and careful analysis, I seem to have found something. not necessarily the problem but a catalyst.

 

"Empty Nester Syndrome!":D

 

As time and again. When children reach a certain age mothers tend to go cray2x.

It something you really need to brace for.

 

she needs therapy!

 

MSnow, possibly, could be BPD or it could be just bad behavior .

[Bigdaddyt]

Bigdaddyt,

 

I'm going to take the stand that the jury is not out. Your wife may have some serious health issues that has cause a lot of her actions. I'm not excusing her, but BPD is very serious, and should be seriously treated.

 

I might go so far as to say TAKE her to get her some help, don't rely on her to do it herself. (Do that because you still care, not because you're condoning what she did). I've been with a person that has BPD things and caused a LOT of grief and major problems. Not nice, but is curable.

 

Sure, she's done some awful shi*, but she is still a human being and needs help.

 

You can continue with the D, but make you OWN choices as things develop. Don't let your divorce lawyer make your decisions, only let him advise you with legal advise.

 

You really sound like a sharp guy who's gone thru hell. I'm betting you'll come out ok, but there's lots yet to do.

 

Old rover , I fully agree and will go with her to a qualified professional , all the decisions that I have made so far, I made them alone and was not pushed into any of them. My lawyer has been very neutral and is asking me what I want and to make sure of my decisions.

[Bigdaddyt]

I am sorry but none of this sits right.

 

Why did your kids call and beg you to come home?

 

What was told to them? Why was this told to them without consultation?

 

Did she tell them to call their father and beg him to come home?

 

A 10 year old? And teenagers. On the day she was served?

 

I am sorry that is straight out manipulation.

 

Your only a Father. You must sacrifice. Even if she cheated AGAIN 2 DAYS AGO. She pulled the card and he went running.

 

Boy, i bet BDT is getting the screws put on him about right now.

 

Its his life, but who didn't see this coming.

 

My oldest called me but my little one was upset, so there was never a choice for me. I don't think wife had any hand in the children calling me they just reacted to the events.

[Bigdaddyt]

BIgdaddyt: very important: I have a fiend who's a pro therapist, I was telling him about your case he even read your thread ( most of it) base on his experience he really believes that your wife suffers from Borderline personality disorder. he has seen similar situation. she needs to be evaluated by pro immediately talk to your family doctor about it then have them recommend a pro that specialize on BPD. if she has BPD things will even get worst with her. she is the mother of your kids after all. read about BPD you will understand more about her behavior her is a link from national institute of health "

BPD

 

Qubist, I read the link on BPD that you attached and for the symptoms she is the poster child for it. Not good. Her older sister is very disagreeable and the link talks about this being genetic. I will reach out to her primary care physician today for a referral .

[qubist]

Qubist, I read the link on BPD that you attached and for the symptoms she is the poster child for it. Not good. Her older sister is very disagreeable and the link talks about this being genetic. I will reach out to her primary care physician today for a referral .

please go ahead and do that immediately. I read about it too it is manageable in most cases but net yet treatable. with medication she can be under control.

Just wondering how your teenage kids handling this D19 ans S17 are old enough to understand the situation. I hope they are not blaming you for any of this. that must be hard on them too

[m.snow]

does the d19 s17 know about what their mom is doing? moms affair?

 

do they have information? about jill & the om?

 

cause i doubt kids would support WW in what she is doing.

 

it would be 3 voices to go against WW.

 

what do the kids even think about this?

and there not kids anymore there adults. they may or should somehow have a voice in this?

[66Charger]

Alive, I remember your posts, I have spoken to Wife and in laws and I will take her to be properly evaluated as soon as possible . I am going to move back home and wife will move in with her parents until medical is sorted out. D will not be stopped, told wife we have six months until final, a lot can happen. I am balancing being strong and caring.

The 180 has caused me to start to lose my feeling towards her. I know she feels it and has told me so. This is a difficult time but I am managing. I am back at gym and no more pity parties! I am still standing and will do the right thing for me and my family.

 

This is probaly the best that can be made of a bad situation. I will close my thoughts on this thread by sincerely wishing you and your family well. Which does include your STBX.

[Bigdaddyt]

please go ahead and do that immediately. I read about it too it is manageable in most cases but net yet treatable. with medication she can be under control.

Just wondering how your teenage kids handling this D19 ans S17 are old enough to understand the situation. I hope they are not blaming you for any of this. that must be hard on them too

 

Qubist, I will make sure that she receives the best care possible, but my question to the physician would be did she know what she was doing? Does she know right from wrong. Will this happen again?

[Bigdaddyt]

does the d19 s17 know about what their mom is doing? moms affair?

 

do they have information? about jill & the om?

 

cause i doubt kids would support WW in what she is doing.

 

it would be 3 voices to go against WW.

 

what do the kids even think about this?

and there not kids anymore there adults. they may or should somehow have a voice in this?

 

MSnow, I still look at my older two as children, eventhough they are not. I am certain that they know a lot of the facts but I will not destroy their view of their mother. Maybe in the future I will change my view. They are all upset with her and are blaming her for our families breakup. Wife is severely suffering from this, which is self inflicted.

[Bigdaddyt]

This is probaly the best that can be made of a bad situation. I will close my thoughts on this thread by sincerely wishing you and your family well. Which does include your STBX.

 

66, Thankyou for your support. I will make the best of this situation and still stay true to my new self.

[qubist]

BigdaddyT:

as long as your kids are not putting any blame on you you should be fine, I also hope this isn't affecting them in school and life.

what's the plan of action now after you moved back and she is with her parents. how long will that last?

[Bigdaddyt]

BigdaddyT:

as long as your kids are not putting any blame on you you should be fine, I also hope this isn't affecting them in school and life.

what's the plan of action now after you moved back and she is with her parents. how long will that last?

 

Qubist, the kids don't blame me , I have always been very supportive and affectionate with them , they love both of us, but they know that this is on her. My plan is to take charge of this mess and put my children's lives back together. I am back in my house and the wife is out with her parents. D has been filed and she has been served. I asked the attorney for a separation agreement that keeps me in the house and as residential parent.

I will care for my wife as a loving husband would; however I don't know where this will take us. When I started this thread I thought that I was the broken one, only to realize that I wasn't my wife was. It would be easy to destroy her, but it is not my nature. I will continue to D but keep the door open for R if she is truly I'll.

With this post I think my journey here is done, I will update from time to time, but want to thank my friends here for making this journey with me. I will post on other threads to support the other BS and WS to find their way. BDT God Bless!

[m.snow]

MSnow, I still look at my older two as children, eventhough they are not. I am certain that they know a lot of the facts but I will not destroy their view of their mother. Maybe in the future I will change my view. They are all upset with her and are blaming her for our families breakup. Wife is severely suffering from this, which is self inflicted.

 

listen to yourself for a moment.

place yourself in their shoes.

 

look one day your wife receives divorces papers.

your Adult daughter & son, two of them. who are very capable of handling the situation.

don't even know why your divorcing your wife?

 

if they dont know why your divorcing their mom.

who doing you think looks bad? you or your WW?

 

anyway godbless! and good luck!

your a good & reasonable father. you got this!

[qubist]

Qubist, the kids don't blame me , I have always been very supportive and affectionate with them , they love both of us, but they know that this is on her. My plan is to take charge of this mess and put my children's lives back together. I am back in my house and the wife is out with her parents. D has been filed and she has been served. I asked the attorney for a separation agreement that keeps me in the house and as residential parent.

I will care for my wife as a loving husband would; however I don't know where this will take us. When I started this thread I thought that I was the broken one, only to realize that I wasn't my wife was. It would be easy to destroy her, but it is not my nature. I will continue to D but keep the door open for R if she is truly I'll.

With this post I think my journey here is done, I will update from time to time, but want to thank my friends here for making this journey with me. I will post on other threads to support the other BS and WS to find their way. BDT God Bless!

You were never broken, I told you that a month ago in this thread, you were just exhausted and stressed out. great plan go on with D and help get the help she needs. I'm glad you are keeping all options open that shows that you are at a strong position. good luck

[aliveagain]

My wife has also said in anger that when she completes college things are going to change. She also has told me that she would never keep the children from me if we divorce. Some days are great others make me wonder. I am venting here and wondering if there is something to all of this smoke

 

BDT, you wrote this about 3 weeks ago and I am still trying to understand her reason for saying this to you. Was it to flex her muscles and test her hold on you because you were starting to question her actions? Her actions today are so far off this mark, it obviously was all bluff and just shows her inability to be able to deal with you on this issue. If she has been in independent counselling for some time how good can her counsellor be if these are her reactions?

[m.snow]

Funny post need no reply,

 

Cant believe wife cheated on "Magic Mike!" Goes to show cheating can happen to anyone.

 

Clearly there was no problem on the intimacy part. With Husband doing his thing with wife

 

Hard Working Dad by Day & Exclusive Magic Mike by Night.

 

A lot of bases covered but still cheated.

[World's.Edge]

things seem to fall into perspective now.

 

wait about that casino thing. you mentioned awhile back she let you watch the kids while she went to the casino.

going to a casino when your kids are young 9,7&5 is a whole lot different than going to a casino when your kids are all grown up 19,17 & 10

(you should have sent the 19yo to watch her mom).

 

your kids are pretty grown up, aren't they telling their mom about what she is doing?

 

the FIL is missing a few cogs there. what was he talking about sacrifice again? you got a 19yo and 17yo. that's enough sacrifice if you dont mind me, thank you! FIL your argument is invalid.

 

I dont see a problem with a divorce. but Im glad your not totally leaving WW in the dust. your a good man good luck.

He should have sent his nineteen year old daughter to babysit his wife in Vegas? Sorry but how would this have been a good idea?

[m.snow]

He should have sent his nineteen year old daughter to babysit his wife in Vegas? Sorry but how would this have been a good idea?

 

uh moms of certain age? be there for her mom? it was a birthday celebration? vacation? accommodations? it was a girls trip right? keeping an eye on WW just a secondary thing.

 

even mom should have invited DD, if DD wasnt busy of course.

 

 

-Since your WW birthday is close aren't you going to celebrate somehow?

or the mood will be no celebrations?

[turnera]

My oldest called me but my little one was upset, so there was never a choice for me. I don't think wife had any hand in the children calling me they just reacted to the events.

Wait.

 

Are you telling me that you're letting her do WHATEVER SHE WANTS simply because your child was upset?

 

YOU are the adult. YOU have the job to ensure your kids live in a STABLE, HEALTHY environment.

 

An 'intact' environment does NOT = healthy environment.

[turnera]

MSnow, I still look at my older two as children, eventhough they are not. I am certain that they know a lot of the facts but I will not destroy their view of their mother. Maybe in the future I will change my view. They are all upset with her and are blaming her for our families breakup. Wife is severely suffering from this, which is self inflicted.

GOOD.

 

 

That is how she will learn to grow up.