Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[66Charger]

I think it is ludicrous to put the D on hold and crazier still to have her move back in the house.

Honestly, what has changed? Nothing. Just reactions from the divorce papers. You still feel like crap and its still your fault. When she starts talking about you and your feelings and what she has done to you (not the marriage) then perhpas you should start listening.

BDT, you need to start accepting who your wife really is and how your life with her will be Even divorce papers havent shaken her. She feels sorry for herself only. I dont really see a way out for you here. Something has to change and it looks like the only person capable of changing is you. Dig deep. Hold on. Tomorrow is not today. There may be nothing you can do here, except support.

[S2B]

She needs to live on her own. That way she can work on her issues and not be affecting the kids with her emotional state.

 

Her parents should not have to house her.

 

 

If needed - have her admitted long term. She could use intensive therapy and help adjusting.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT: what happen is normal considering her mental state, but as bad as it looked I see improvement let me explain, in the past every time she had similar break down she would blame you then turn to her favorite therapy which was GNOs partying, drinking and being silly. This time she did bring some of the blame game but ignored the favorite therapy. To m this is good news. BDT you described this as rock bottom and it really is if you go through it you will survive. I may be in the minority here but I would advise you to put the D on hold allow her back to your house for now.

 

Qubist, I do see her finally realizing that she has hit bottom and will either fail or get better. She is not capable of doing this herself, I spoke to her parents just now and told them everything , they are headed to my house to be with her. I will balance her care with protecting my children from any emotional damage. I may let her stay at the house with the family and perhaps her mother as well. This is not R it is saving a lost soul.

[aliveagain]

Do what you need to do for your family, leave your wife to the professionals. Until she is healthy how can you know the true status of your relationship? How can you know if it's worth saving? Do not let your father-in-law and mother-in-law lay a guilt trip on you, you did not cause this on your wife, all you did was expose her and take yourself out of infidelity, she chose to do this to her family and these are her consequences.

 

Infidelity affects everyone, you, your children, family and all your friends. Waywards don't think about the outcome of their actions because they are too busy living in the moment, their selfish state to think about how their actions will affect everyone around them until it's too late. They think they can magically stop anytime they want and never be discovered. Infidelity will always take it's toll one way or another. It will forever change your relationship with the people that love you or it will burn a hole in your soul hiding the secret. I feel pity and sadness for everyone stupid enough to allow it into their life because once you cross that imaginary threshold there's no going back. BDT, this is her mess to fix, make her do the work, no shortcuts.

[Bigdaddyt]

I don't doubt you are a great father and the kids should know the truth. I am just saying maybe it is better to protect them from seeing their mother like this. My dad is an alcoholic and I am telling you, the images of all the nasty things he did in my childhood never go away.

 

SummerDream, The kids do know the truth and the images are nasty. My Father was a career Navy Chief and a severe alcoholic who was always prone to fits of rage and violent outbursts. During one of his episodes he physically shoved me out of the window of a moving car when I was 5 yoa striking my skull on the curb which cuased it to fracture. I was very ill for many years as a result and I am scared for life as a result. This scaring did not make me into a bad person I have learned to forgive and be strong.

[S2B]

Qubist, I do see her finally realizing that she has hit bottom and will either fail or get better. She is not capable of doing this herself, I spoke to her parents just now and told them everything , they are headed to my house to be with her. I will balance her care with protecting my children from any emotional damage. I may let her stay at the house with the family and perhaps her mother as well. This is not R it is saving a lost soul.

 

Why not get her an apartment? You and your kids need to be distanced from her - this is for your kids best interest.

 

If needed get her a caregiver long term.

 

These are HER issues to deal with and no one can do this FOR her.

 

You can be supportive from a distance.

[Bigdaddyt]

I think it is ludicrous to put the D on hold and crazier still to have her move back in the house.

Honestly, what has changed? Nothing. Just reactions from the divorce papers. You still feel like crap and its still your fault. When she starts talking about you and your feelings and what she has done to you (not the marriage) then perhpas you should start listening.

BDT, you need to start accepting who your wife really is and how your life with her will be Even divorce papers havent shaken her. She feels sorry for herself only. I dont really see a way out for you here. Something has to change and it looks like the only person capable of changing is you. Dig deep. Hold on. Tomorrow is not today. There may be nothing you can do here, except support.

 

66Charger, I have not put the D on hold I spoke with my attorney earlier and he advised me to take it slow that the courts in my state would not be gentle to me if we went to court right now. I am caring for my WW as someone would a close friend. I am worried about suicide right now not R. Honesty I have lost all attraction for my WW.

[Bigdaddyt]

She needs to live on her own. That way she can work on her issues and not be affecting the kids with her emotional state.

 

Her parents should not have to house her.

 

 

If needed - have her admitted long term. She could use intensive therapy and help adjusting.

 

S2B, I agree with your post, but right now is not the time. Right now it is all hands on deck time.

[tastefulone]

Sorry to hear about that... I always wanted to trust my girl too, but afraid to. I have an ex-wife been there done that ... she cheated and left me, I have two boys with her.

 

Exgirlfriend I walked in on with her nekid laying next to another guy thankfully no kids with her.

 

Now new exgirlfriend with a new 7 month old moved to another state. We decided to separate for now and re-establish who each other really is. I am thinking that it's very hard to find someone who is willing to be in a relationship and put the same amount of work as yourself into it. I have no advice to give to you only because YOU know what to do, YOU just have to grow the balls to do it (whatever it is).

 

I started with reality, saw the reality and made the choice to tell my girl to move. It's super hard to do, it's not something I wanted to do and maybe she will see that by being alone or whatever it is she wants will open her own eyes to notice that someone actually cared for her and she will give the same respect. I myself started to fix myself and will learn who she is and take her flaws if I want them at a later date and vise versa.

[Bigdaddyt]

Do what you need to do for your family, leave your wife to the professionals. Until she is healthy how can you know the true status of your relationship? How can you know if it's worth saving? Do not let your father-in-law and mother-in-law lay a guilt trip on you, you did not cause this on your wife, all you did was expose her and take yourself out of infidelity, she chose to do this to her family and these are her consequences.

 

Infidelity affects everyone, you, your children, family and all your friends. Waywards don't think about the outcome of their actions because they are too busy living in the moment, their selfish state to think about how their actions will affect everyone around them until it's too late. They think they can magically stop anytime they want and never be discovered. Infidelity will always take it's toll one way or another. It will forever change your relationship with the people that love you or it will burn a hole in your soul hiding the secret. I feel pity and sadness for everyone stupid enough to allow it into their life because once you cross that imaginary threshold there's no going back. BDT, this is her mess to fix, make her do the work, no shortcuts.

 

Alive, I am relying on the healthcare professionals to care for her and I honestly don't see her as being capable of being in a relationship with me or anyone for sometime to come. You are spot on that infidelity affects everyone and there is a lot of collateral damage. The more I deal with this the more I see WS as broken not the BS. I am getting stronger and stronger , but I have put my needs last until the WW is safe .

[Bigdaddyt]

Sorry to hear about that... I always wanted to trust my girl too, but afraid to. I have an ex-wife been there done that ... she cheated and left me, I have two boys with her.

 

Exgirlfriend I walked in on with her nekid laying next to another guy thankfully no kids with her.

 

Now new exgirlfriend with a new 7 month old moved to another state. We decided to separate for now and re-establish who each other really is. I am thinking that it's very hard to find someone who is willing to be in a relationship and put the same amount of work as yourself into it. I have no advice to give to you only because YOU know what to do, YOU just have to grow the balls to do it (whatever it is).

 

I started with reality, saw the reality and made the choice to tell my girl to move. It's super hard to do, it's not something I wanted to do and maybe she will see that by being alone or whatever it is she wants will open her own eyes to notice that someone actually cared for her and she will give the same respect. I myself started to fix myself and will learn who she is and take her flaws if I want them at a later date and vise versa.

 

Tasteful one , I wish you well and I am sorry for your pain.Infidelity doesn't come with an owners manual and everyone's situation and tolerance is different. For myself I am doing what is best for me and is moral. This storm is far from over.

[Bigdaddyt]

Why not get her an apartment? You and your kids need to be distanced from her - this is for your kids best interest.

 

If needed get her a caregiver long term.

 

These are HER issues to deal with and no one can do this FOR her.

 

You can be supportive from a distance.

 

S2B, This is something that I will do in the near future , this just isn't the time right now. More of my horrible past, when my brothers and sisters were young my Mother was alone and distraught and had all of us kids and our Father in prison attempted suicide. Her Mother and Stepfather brought her home to us very young children wrapped in a blanket wet and shivering (jumped off of a bridge into river couldn't swim) and put her to bed. Grandmother was in and out in about twenty seconds didn't ask us anything just wanted to dump her off. I hate her to this day and will never forgive her for her lack of decency.

I will never dump her off, we all must be compassionate regardless to our personal pain or loss.

[Clay]

Damn... Another fun weekend for you for sure.

 

I would follow your lawyers advice and get her out of there. Let her family deal with her. The kids should not be around her at this point in time as well. She does need serious help. Your best to just go with the divorce and move on. She made her own choices in life and while you are feeling guilty right now you need to realize this is not on you at all. Its not your job to be her caretaker.

 

C

[Bigdaddyt]

Damn... Another fun weekend for you for sure.

 

I would follow your lawyers advice and get her out of there. Let her family deal with her. The kids should not be around her at this point in time as well. She does need serious help. Your best to just go with the divorce and move on. She made her own choices in life and while you are feeling guilty right now you need to realize this is not on you at all. Its not your job to be her caretaker.

 

C

 

Clay, Agreed, I am taking it slow and once she is in a better state of mind will make my choice.

[m.snow]

take your time BDT! no rush.

 

you have a very strong personality and a kind heart.

 

in all of this you are in a very strong position!

 

 

don't forget to find some time for yourself! get some rest!

 

God bless you and your family!

[SummerDreams]

SummerDream, The kids do know the truth and the images are nasty. My Father was a career Navy Chief and a severe alcoholic who was always prone to fits of rage and violent outbursts. During one of his episodes he physically shoved me out of the window of a moving car when I was 5 yoa striking my skull on the curb which cuased it to fracture. I was very ill for many years as a result and I am scared for life as a result. This scaring did not make me into a bad person I have learned to forgive and be strong.

 

I am so sorry you went through these dramatic things in your childhood. It shows your strong character and kindness that you managed to survive it and become a better person out of it. This is why you know better than anyone how important it is to keep the kids away from these scenes. I believe in you and I know you will find the right way to deal with it and I'm happy your kids have such a strong and good father.

[drifter777]

Clay, Agreed, I am taking it slow and once she is in a better state of mind will make my choice.

 

Just so you know, that day may never come. Still, I don't see you have any choice but to do what you are doing now for the time being. I think the best outcome you can hope for here is a divorce with a Residential Schedule that names you the custodial parent and limits her visitation until such time as she has her issues under control. Until then you are going to have to focus on taking care of your kids and helping your wife get into mental health treatment. Until you can get her safely out of the house I think you are trapped.

[Bigdaddyt]

Just so you know, that day may never come. Still, I don't see you have any choice but to do what you are doing now for the time being. I think the best outcome you can hope for here is a divorce with a Residential Schedule that names you the custodial parent and limits her visitation until such time as she has her issues under control. Until then you are going to have to focus on taking care of your kids and helping your wife get into mental health treatment. Until you can get her safely out of the house I think you are trapped.

 

Drifter, it is what it is, the only thing I can think of is that my luck is holding. I will always do the right thing as painful as it is. I will reach down and suck it up and do what is necessary to have as positive an outcome as possible in my situation .

[drifter777]

Drifter, it is what it is, the only thing I can think of is that my luck is holding. I will always do the right thing as painful as it is. I will reach down and suck it up and do what is necessary to have as positive an outcome as possible in my situation .

 

Got it - I'm the same way. I urge you to plan a plausible exit strategy for your own mental health and a chance at happiness. It's easy to lose your own needs when in the situation you find yourself. Maybe her parents can be part of the solution?? Think about it and discuss with them.

[Bigdaddyt]

Got it - I'm the same way. I urge you to plan a plausible exit strategy for your own mental health and a chance at happiness. It's easy to lose your own needs when in the situation you find yourself. Maybe her parents can be part of the solution?? Think about it and discuss with them.

 

Drifter, I had my exit planned them I discovered her illness . I have been brutally honest with her parents today and I think they were surprised by my information. They are with my WW now and are doing all of the right things. Chance at happiness , I am close with my trainer who wants a relationship . I see her only at the gym. I do not text her or call her but I see her two hours a day. She has asked me to go out but I have declined. Too much going on and I don't want to cheat or have an Exit A. I would be too weak to resist this at this point.

[whatatangledweb]

I guess I am confused, your wife's brain trama and PBD can not be cured and she was fine before you confronted her about her affairs, so why is she ill now? She wasn't ill when she went to Vegas.

 

She seems to be more devasted by the fact you filed for divorce than anything else. She is using the disorders as a weapon to keep you emotionally hooked and letting her stay with you. Letting her stay at your home gives her hope that you will stay with her. In a way it is cruel to give some one false hope even if you don't mean to.

 

You can't fix her unless you tell her you will R. Then she will magically start acting well. But she will still have the disorders. So nothing changes for you.

 

I know you are a kind and caring man. I just don't see how you can make her better. Her acting the way she is in front of the kids is very harmful to them. She needs to go to her parents. If she is suicidal then call 911 or her parents can. She can get help from the professionals.

[S2B]

She needs to be focused on her well being.

 

Why didn't you have her admitted to the hospital?

 

Why are you allowing her into the home? She is sick, yes, but negatively affecting you and her kids and her parents.

 

Check with your insurance. She may get better faster if she's admitted for supervised long term care.

 

Having her in your home or even in her parents home is not an option while she is so toxic!!!

 

Your kids need some peace of mind... So do you... So do her parents.

 

She can get therapy and round the clock care - which is what she needs (from what you described).

 

 

Having her in the home is a terrible influence on your kids. They need to feel safe... And there's no way to feel safe when Mom is volatile, crying and manipulative.

 

 

And don't you think for new second this isn't her way of manipulating you! It is! But it worked now, didn't it?

 

 

Get her out. Find a place for her to find professional care.

[Lion Heart]

Hi BDT

 

Well done on your handling of the long, sorry situation. I'm sorry for your children, I'm sorry for YOU! No pity. Just pure empathy as our situations are eerily similar. More on that later...

 

You've shown compassion and mercy to WW. I hope I can / am...maybe.... to WH. Don't honestly believe they deserve it but that's where mercy comes in.

 

You seem to be managing "damage control". Concerned for WW words re-suicide? She may take YEARS to wake up that SHE repeatedly gave you GOOD reason for D (as my exWH). My exWH lamented to me for over a decade, even after both of us had remarried! Some people just don't UNDERSTAND CONSEQUENCES AT ALL.

 

Right now I see you're trying to support WW until she's "ok". BDT this WW will never be "ok" with losing you! No one will do for her what you have and are!

 

Put AS MANY security measures in place as humanly possible. Certainly long term Mental Health care. Drop the kids with a responsible person you trust with your children to visit her BUT any measures at all to detach detach detach.

 

SHE NEEDS YOU for a million reasons. THIS is the reality that's hit her (and she didn't know it). These are parts of her "new" mental health state. Her shock.

 

When you detach slowly but definitely, lock on your bedroom door etc, she will seek other forms of self soothing. So far they've been horribly unhealthy for her and most definitely for you and the children. Obviously she needs IC but being so far gone, I agree completely with residential care programs. She needs support from professional people and many of them! This mental state of hers is just beyond you. You are many things noble but not a round the clock mental health team! Nor should you or anyone expect that from you.

 

Do whatever you can to get OTHERS to care for her.

This allows you to detach and sends a strong message to her that she is NOT your "everything" any more. She was. Despite her actions she still was. She burnt you real bad so now she's not.

 

I'm certain WW will pull any string she can to have you dancing like a puppet. She's a masterful manipulator alright.

Cut those strings.

Attach them to others.

Sure she's been crazy for a long time to abuse you and her position as wife and mother but too bad too sad for her. Hopefully you and the kids soar!

 

Many good wishes for your speedy recovery from this craziness.

 

Lion Heart

[S2B]

I urge you to understand that leaving any of your kids alone with her is very detrimental. Please make sure they are not alone with her. They need protection from her behavior at this time. You will be the one to make those rational decisions for them for a long while. The sooner you can get there routine down and the chaos further away from them - the quicker they can focus more on their school work and outside interests.

 

 

I forgot to mention it earlier.

 

 

I hope you are taking care of yourself - and your kids.

[Bigdaddyt]

I guess I am confused, your wife's brain trama and PBD can not be cured and she was fine before you confronted her about her affairs, so why is she ill now? She wasn't ill when she went to Vegas.

 

She seems to be more devasted by the fact you filed for divorce than anything else. She is using the disorders as a weapon to keep you emotionally hooked and letting her stay with you. Letting her stay at your home gives her hope that you will stay with her. In a way it is cruel to give some one false hope even if you don't mean to.

 

You can't fix her unless you tell her you will R. Then she will magically start acting well. But she will still have the disorders. So nothing changes for you.

 

I know you are a kind and caring man. I just don't see how you can make her better. Her acting the way she is in front of the kids is very harmful to them. She needs to go to her parents. If she is suicidal then call 911 or her parents can. She can get help from the professionals.

What, There is no question that she is devastated by me filing for divorce, she had issues before I was just oblivious to them. In my childhood ,I never really had any good role models so I didn't know what was truly normal behavior. I had a very emotionally unstable Mother in a very disfunctional family. That is why it is extremely difficult for me to completely let go of her, becuase she is my family. I have always been a caregiver and someone who always looks out for others. Its not good or bad it is just who I am.