Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[S2B]

She may never get the help she needs.

 

She may not do things differently.

 

She may not learn and grow (she won't if you make her comfortable).

 

... I hope she will though....

 

 

 

 

But you can't control what SHE does or doesn't do.

 

It's your job to make YOU your priority! It's your job to protect your kids from her toxic nature as much as possible. It's your job to give them stability and a healthy example of a man, a parent.

 

It's your job to get HER drama away from you and your kids! Otherwise - your kids begin to believe this is 'normal' in a relationship/marriage. They begin to believe this is how life is. They begin to seek that out in the relationships they will have.

 

It's your job to allow them to understand this is unacceptable, unhealthy and not normal.

 

Be clear...with words AND actions to support what is healthy and acceptable in life.

[turnera]

Glad to hear it. And know that I say all this with the best of intentions. I want you to be happy. And I'm proof positive that choosing the easy way out - the 'I don't want to shake things up' way - is rarely beneficial in the long run. I want you to choose a path that helps you in the long run. And I know it's scary to hear this stuff and realize you're at a crossroads, where people are expecting you to DO the hard way so you can find that better path. I left my first forum a couple of times when I was being told stuff I didn't want to acknowledge about myself and was being asked to DO something about it. But I eventually kept coming back and let them guide me, and my life the last few years have been the best of my whole life, because of it. Because I beat back my fears.

[sandylee1]

I see her current state as devastated that she is loosing a kind, loving, good looking and wealthy husband, all because she was foolish to cheat on a guy most women would love to be with.

 

It's the realisation of what an idiot I've been to risk my marriage and he would never leave me, because he loves me so much, except now he want a divorce, so that means he doesn't love me anymore. It's the realisation that she doesn't hold that power over you anymore.

 

The sinking feeling of breaking up the family over a worthless POS, who doesn't come anywhere near close to you and that she'll probably never find another man with your qualities.

 

That is enough to make her cry and feel depressed, because she had it all, then she blew it away. I agree with Tumera that she's hoping this will catch your attention and soften towards her.

 

She feels like an idiot for not appreciating you. Remember her words on the VAR not so long ago.....

[S2B]

When she is served she is likely to cause/throw a little temper tantrum like a two year old.

 

 

The best reaction from you is absolutely no reaction. Let her sit alone with the mess that SHE has created in her life.

 

Do/say nothing.

 

You can block her for a few days.

 

I read a book recently...the mastery of love by Ruiz

 

When a person creates this kind of drama then attempts to throw it on over to you - they are considered leeches. They suck the life out of you.

 

Better not to catch the drama they intend to toss around...let it bounce OFF of you and right back onto them. That way it is there's to deal with.

 

 

She's so used to stirring the Sh-t pot and then dumping it onto you to fix it all - it's time she realizes that SHE is responsible for all the crap and she's going to be to one hanging onto it.

 

No more owning her crap!

 

She can go throw all her drama onto her new victim.

 

 

 

If you are consistently giving her absolutely no reaction = she will move on to a new victim that reacts when she creates this drama, don't let it be you any longer.

 

What a leach wants is that reaction. They want someone else to be left holding all the baggage. They never, ever take responsibility to fix it - they just need a new willing participant.

 

It usually looks like druggy behavior. It doesn't make sense and it's always someone else's fault... Yet they never do anything to change it and the drama always seems to surround mainly them. Very telling.

 

I agree with TX. Get the kids away from her.

 

They don't need to see what drama she's creating.

 

Do not go to the house! She could get violent.

 

 

Pick the kids up a block away and bring them to you. Make sure they feel safe and have a quiet few days away from Mom while she decompresses.

 

You may need to get her evaluated ASAP, if needed send for an ambulance to take her to a psych ward.

 

I'm not sure you should be in any building with her - she could harm you or worse.

 

Going to her is not a good plan.

 

Going to her rewards her bad behavior. That should be a line you don't cross.

 

Bring the kids to you. Bring them quickly.

 

If she is unable to cope then consider taking her to the hospital to be mentally evaluated!

 

This is the drama I warned you about! This IS her way of getting YOU to dance with her again.

 

Bring the kids to you. Do not "go to her"!

 

She had this life...

 

Perfect married wife

Husband who adored her

great Mother

Wealth

No need to work

 

And you were her beard - her cover up.

 

She was/is...

The cheater

Th party gal

One who may need to find a job

One who will loose "what others 'think' of her" - "think of her success"

One who will try and stay on that high pedestal (at your cost)

 

 

And so...

 

You've danced this dance with her a long time.

 

You stopped dancing.

 

 

She wants to get you back into YOUR place that works best FOR HER.

 

Don't dance!

 

She will be spending a TON of energy trying to get you to dance with her again! She doesn't like that she's lost her cover/her beard. Her kids may actually see her for who she really is - no need for you to say one unkind word to them about her - they will learn as the years move along. My kids have seen for themselves in the past ten years and have made a conclusion based on their own experience with their Dad.

 

While she spins and spins on her own she will find her own way. No need to "help her" she needs to learn as she goes along what life will look like as she dances alone/or finds another willing victim to play the role you vacated.

 

Don't dance with her.

 

 

These were cautions written to you more than two weeks ago - about the time she was served.

 

 

And I must say... She's been predictable. She's doing things by the book. She's caused chaos and drama enough to get you back hanging around to fix it for her.

 

 

If you don't create distance soon she's likely to keep you sucked back into her drama filled, selfish life.

 

Solving her problems doesn't help her learn. Soothing her fears doesn't give her the message you're divorcing.

 

She would use and abuse you forever if you allowed it...

 

When does her bad behavior become her responsibility to handle/change? She's a grown up woman - expect her to act like one...finally act like one. Stop fixing things FOR her.

[Bigdaddyt]

Turnera, S2B, Sandylee, Qubist, Friends:

 

Yesterday and last night were really tough for me; I had to read things on this forum which really upset me and forced me look at a past that I would like to forget and pretend that never happened. I have done so well with moving on from my past, but my WW infidelity has opened this up again and gave me a rush of old emotions that I don’t want to face. There are things from my past which are so horrible that I cannot even post them here on an anonymous forum and I have never shared them with anyone (I just can’t bear to be judged). I was so upset yesterday that I started shaking and had to leave work, I sat in the park until I got myself together and put back on my armor and went to deal with the WW and Family.

 

I have reached out to a counselor that specializes in PTSD and adult childhood abuse survivors and will hopefully meet with her today. I am going to keep this thread open but I am not able to deal with all of this and my past together and will take a shortbreak. I had a psychiatrist tell me years ago “when we bury things as a child we trip over the tombstones as an adult”. I see that is where I am at now. I am going to refocus on my Family, my work, and trying to heal myself. BDT

Edited September 30, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[turnera]

I'm sorry we brought all this up, BD. But, as you say, it has to be dealt with. I'm SO glad you're going to get professional help. Get it as frequently as you can. I found that if I had regular appointments no more than one or two weeks apart, it helped me focus on it and stay strong and actually do the work needed to repair myself. If the appointments are further apart than that, I got 'lazy' and found ways not to deal with things.

 

In the meantime, I have a suggestion for you. I want to suggest that a side effect of your childhood abuse is that you likely have toxic shame. What you describe about not being able to go eat in a restaurant by yourself...toxic shame. Often a result of abuse or neglect. There's an awesome book you can read, people on MY forum kept trying to get me to read it for years and when I finally did, it was like oh my god why did I never know this about myself! It explains SO much. It leads to codependency and a whole host of things.

 

I remember once I decided to take some clothes to a resale shop. I drove around it 3 times before I finally got the courage to go in and have her 'assess' whether she wanted to sell my stuff. I finally braved myself and went in and, as I suspected, she looked down her nose at my not nice enough clothes, took only two pieces out of 20 to resell. I was SO ashamed (of myself!) that I never could get the courage to go back in there to pick up the money she owed me for selling my two items. That's my 'staying in my hotel room and ordering room service.' Sound familiar? That's why you have no friends. That's why you do nothing else. You're waiting for everyone to figure out you're not worth having as a friend, you expect people to reject you. Of course it's not TRUE, but the toxic shame has made you believe it.

 

Here's a video about it from the author:

 

Here's a link to the book: Healing the Shame that Binds You by John E. Bradshaw | 9780757399435 | NOOK Book (eBook) | Barnes & Noble

 

Here's a PDF; don't know if it's the full book: http://www.creativegrowth.com/bradshaw_shame%201.pdf

 

Anyway, I hope you find peace, BD. You deserve it.

[aliveagain]

Friend, do what you need to do for you to be healthy. Do what you need to do for your family and what you want in the way of a relationship with your wife. BDT, this is your life, strangers on a post can point things out that you may have missed but they are not in your shoes so only listen to things that help you achieve your goal. We the strangers helped you to get you to this point but now the tough decisions that only you and your wife can make need to be made, we now become just noise. Do what is best for you, your children, your family, you have the rest of your life to get it right.

[turnera]

But please let me ask a favor. Please do come back every once in a while and let us know what's going on, ok? We care about you!

[m.snow]

BIG-Daddy-T

 

Again in all of these please do take care of yourself.

Get sometime to yourself and have a session with those counselors.

 

Carrying the Weight of the Whole World on your shoulders is a tough burden to bear.

 

you are really big daddyT but even giants sometimes need a rest!

 

Don't burn yourself out. Schedule some days that you can get away from all of this.

[qubist]

BTD, I'm so sorry I really am. I know a lot about PTSD, my closest friend suffered from it after returning from Afghanistan. I'm volunteering to help veterans suffering from post war PTSD I know it's different than yours but I know enough to tell you that's controllable now I see their struggle and the hardest obstacle is believe it or not trusting the therapy and the process of healing because they think life is passing by while stuck on thier depression. BDT I understand that your situation is not ideal and you want to do something about it but believe me you have to take a break from this and take care of yourself. You either have to run away from it all and disappear till you are ok or put everything on hold and continue your life as normal as possible and get treated for your depression. I suggest you do the later because disappearing will affect your kids too. Your therapist will help you get back on your feet then you can fix what you need to fix in your life.

[S2B]

I'm so sorry for your pain. Big hugs. Nothing about this is easy.

 

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. A counselor is a good choice for someone in your position.

 

Let us know how you're doing if you feel up to it.

[farsidejunky]

BDT:

I am late to this, but have been reading your thread from start to finish over the last 24 hours.

 

First, she is incredibly psychologically damaged, and will likely need years of therapy just to function as a normal, single adult, let alone a loyal partner. You need to ask her psychiatrist for a blunt prognosis on her ability to be a partner to you. I suspect what he will tell you will be a a general inability to be stable enough for that type of relationship.

 

Second, you are a severe KISA, or knight in shining armor. I knew as soon as BPD entered the picture, your resolve to divorce would drop tremendously. You cannot save her. You can't save a normal person; only they can. A BPD'er likely cannot even do that. I understand the urge to save. I have a nasty but of it myself.

 

A good analogy of this situation is comparing it to a drowning person. Very frequently, when a person is drowning, the other person that tries to save them ends up drowning themself by being dragged under by the very person they are trying to save.

 

Finish the divorce.

 

Get custody of your kids.

 

Your WW is now her parents responsibility.

 

Get into IC to address your traumatic past and your unhealthy need to save people.

 

Follow Turnera's advice and heal for a year before getting on the dating market again.

 

You are NOT a less honorable person for taking this path. Praying for you, brother.

[Civil]

I am so sorry. My mother/your father. I was 6 months old, dissociative by the time I was 8. It was extreme and yet I was able to suppress for decades. And I have a kid who's a PsyD. The trigger for me was laughably benign compared to what you're going through, but everything from my past lined up and started to spin. I'd always, always, coped so very well, but I could not deal with this. I have a big, supportive immediate family, but they could not help. I was referred, diagnosed with PTSD and started CBT within a week. The work was hard, but there was real, lasting relief from the start. I did about 10 weeks, one visit/wk, and one hour homework/day.Eight years later, I sometimes go years without seeing my therapist and when I do, it's for "new business".

 

You're doing the right things and you're way ahead of the curve. Human memory operates in some pretty brutal ways, but nothing in your past diminishes who you are now.

[S2B]

I too, had a complete melt down almost eight years ago. Only through intense trauma therapy was I able to unlearn what I had learned as "my normal".

 

Then my process of learning a new way got started...a way that worked for me. No one else decided what this was to look like - just me.

 

It was a complete transformation! Seriously letting go completely of everything that I hung onto and was taught as a child. Very freeing!!! A great book that helped me was "The Four Agreements". That book changed my life for the better.

 

 

I worked with my trauma counselor for a solid year - two times a week for a few months to invoke actions that changed everything! Then to once a week for another six months and once a month for the rest of the year. I was up against a lot of resistance being from a large family. I was persistent on my path to change me, myself..

 

It was difficult but completely worth it! I don't allow others to decide what happiness looks like for me.

 

 

My old life would be unrecognizable. I had been married more than 20 years when I divorced. My transformation came two years after that. I don't regret any changes I've made!

 

Life can get better if folks decide to let go of what doesn't work for them - if they integrate change that allows happiness to flow in.

 

And if fear is never a driving force. It's freedom living without fear of the unknown!

[Bigdaddyt]

I am an adult,childhood sexual abuse survivor. I said it; it has taken my WWs infidelity to push me over the edge and bring this up; that which I had hoped would stay buried forever. I guess a lot of readers probably figured it out ahead of time, but it is what it is. Donot judge me; I have hated myself for years because of this. I was very young and did not want this to happen and I could not prevent it, I was alone with no one to protect me. I will not go into detail. I have tried to suppress this and never allow it out, but my pending divorce, wife illness and family upset caused me to have a meltdown and it just showed its ugly head. I have never told anyone because of the stigma attached to this. People believe that if you are abused you become an abuser;much like being bitten by a werewolf you become one. That is not the case with me; I am a good and moral person, just a little F__ked up, or maybe a lot.

 

I went to a counselor that specializes in this and I was too ashamed to tell her face to face, so I took Turnera’s advice and wrote it down on paper and handed it to her ahead of our scheduled appointment, even then I almost didn’t give it to her. This has affected me so much over the years thatI know it was part of my marriage’s failure. After my session with my counselor,I was physically ill and throwing up. The counselor told me that I need to tellmy wife about this and we can do it during a joint session. I told her that wasnot going to happen and that I am never going to tell anyone else about this. Isat in my car until I got myself together and went home. I checked myself outin the mirror before I went in to my house to face the WW and Family. I thought that I looked and was acting normal. The first words from my WW were: “What is wrong?” I told her nothing, that I am just upset about are life and how everything has turned out. She didn’t believe me and told the boys to go outside and play basketball. She was truly concerned for me and was her oldself. She pressed me for an answer, I said that I wasn’t feeling well and wasgoing to bed early; which was the truth.

I woke up an hour or so later and my WW was sitting on thebed looking at me with the lights on, she was holding my hand. She told me thatI was screaming and talking in my sleep and that she is afraid for me. I liedagain and told her that it was just from all of the stress of everything thatis hitting me at once. I am not a very good liar. She has been very clingy and would not leave me alone. She knows me well enough to know that something is seriously wrong. She is coming to my work to check on me and has called my brothers and sisters to talk to them about meand seek advice.

 

How this has this affected me? I suffer from PTSD from my abuse and will not tolerate any man to threaten or place their hands on me. I have trained my body over the years and I am extremely strong, weight training and martial arts, so no one can harm me. I have always needed to be in a relationship with a woman (cling to women); I cannot stand to be alone. I have always gone from one relationship to another; some of my relationships were not healthy ones, I was involved with a much older woman (40s) in my late teens. I do not have a lot of men friends the ones that I do have we are very close.

 

My Wife made me feel safe and now her infidelity has taken my safe place away from me. I do not sleep very well and I wake up a lot at night and when I travel I always leave the TV on. I trigger when I watch certain TV shows and I have to walk out ofthe room. I cannot watch them (toxic shame). I cannot eat by myself in arestaurant, when I am traveling I always get room service.

 

I am crazy protective of my children and I never let them out of my sight and I never allowed anyone to watch them, but my wife’s mother or my sisters. This caused us marital issues with us not going out as often as we should have. When my children go out with their friends, Iwould go out and check on them and have find my phone on their phones to track them. I was at a Cub Scout event with my middle son years ago when one of theother kid’s fathers yelled at my son and grabbed him for roughhousing prior tothe meeting; I snapped and grabbed him by the throat. He was terrified, he apologized for grabbing my son, but the other fathers never looked at me thesame again. They were all Doctors, Lawyers and executives and this type ofreaction is out of the norm for them.

I left the Catholic Church during the asexual abuse scandal,I just couldn’t bear to be around this, I never told my wife the reason why.( noneof my abusers were priests) This caused us significant marital problems for us,in that my Wife loved the Catholic Church being a good Catholic girl.

 

What does this have to do with infidelity? My Mothers motherwas a cheater and left my Mother and her Brother and my Grandfather and gotpregnant by a POSOM that I knew as my (step) Grandfather. My Mother and Uncle were abandoned by Grandmother for several years before she came back and gotthem. This damaged my Mother so much that she was unable to function in thereal world and herself became a victim of many POSOM’s, one of which was my primary abuser.

 

I guess I don’t know how to move forward from this, my past has got me again and I can’t bear to have it brought to the forefront and Idon’t want people to know about it or think badly of me. I have worked so hard to get where I am at today. My counselor said that she is not a strong supporter of LS for emotional support and advice,but advised me that since I am already on here that it may help me to post itso that I will be better able to discuss this in front of other people,including my wife. I posted it here because I feel safe enough to say it now from the cover anonymity. My question to this forum is do you think that I truly need to tell this to my Wife about this? She does know about my abusephysical and mental, but not in detail. I would like to keep it secret and work with my counselor in private. BDT

Edited October 2, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[m.snow]

(((((((BDT))))))

 

again take care of your self.

learn relaxation techniques!

 

meditate. do deep breathing exercises!

 

and communicate with whom you need to communicate.

to release that stress.

 

go out side get some sunshine!

[qubist]

I am an adult,childhood sexual abuse survivor. I said it; it has taken my WWs infidelity to push me over the edge and bring this up; that which I had hoped would stay buried forever. I guess a lot of readers probably figured it out ahead of time, but it is what it is. Donot judge me; I have hated myself for years because of this. I was very young and did not want this to happen and I could not prevent it, I was alone with no one to protect me. I will not go into detail. I have tried to suppress this and never allow it out, but my pending divorce, wife illness and family upset caused me to have a meltdown and it just showed its ugly head. I have never told anyone because of the stigma attached to this. People believe that if you are abused you become an abuser;much like being bitten by a werewolf you become one. That is not the case with me; I am a good and moral person, just a little F__ked up, or maybe a lot.

 

I went to a counselor that specializes in this and I was too ashamed to tell her face to face, so I took Turnera’s advice and wrote it down on paper and handed it to her ahead of our scheduled appointment, even then I almost didn’t give it to her. This has affected me so much over the years thatI know it was part of my marriage’s failure. After my session with my counselor,I was physically ill and throwing up. The counselor told me that I need to tellmy wife about this and we can do it during a joint session. I told her that wasnot going to happen and that I am never going to tell anyone else about this. Isat in my car until I got myself together and went home. I checked myself outin the mirror before I went in to my house to face the WW and Family. I thought that I looked and was acting normal. The first words from my WW were: “What is wrong?” I told her nothing, that I am just upset about are life and how everything has turned out. She didn’t believe me and told the boys to go outside and play basketball. She was truly concerned for me and was her oldself. She pressed me for an answer, I said that I wasn’t feeling well and wasgoing to bed early; which was the truth.

I woke up an hour or so later and my WW was sitting on thebed looking at me with the lights on, she was holding my hand. She told me thatI was screaming and talking in my sleep and that she is afraid for me. I liedagain and told her that it was just from all of the stress of everything thatis hitting me at once. I am not a very good liar. She has been very clingy and would not leave me alone. She knows me well enough to know that something is seriously wrong. She is coming to my work to check on me and has called my brothers and sisters to talk to them about meand seek advice.

 

How this has this affected me? I suffer from PTSD from my abuse and will not tolerate any man to threaten or place their hands on me. I have trained my body over the years and I am extremely strong, weight training and martial arts, so no one can harm me. I have always needed to be in a relationship with a woman (cling to women); I cannot stand to be alone. I have always gone from one relationship to another; some of my relationships were not healthy ones, I was involved with a much older woman (40s) in my late teens. I do not have a lot of men friends the ones that I do have we are very close.

 

My Wife made me feel safe and now her infidelity has taken my safe place away from me. I do not sleep very well and I wake up a lot at night and when I travel I always leave the TV on. I trigger when I watch certain TV shows and I have to walk out ofthe room. I cannot watch them (toxic shame). I cannot eat by myself in arestaurant, when I am traveling I always get room service.

 

I am crazy protective of my children and I never let them out of my sight and I never allowed anyone to watch them, but my wife’s mother or my sisters. This caused us marital issues with us not going out as often as we should have. When my children go out with their friends, Iwould go out and check on them and have find my phone on their phones to track them. I was at a Cub Scout event with my middle son years ago when one of theother kid’s fathers yelled at my son and grabbed him for roughhousing prior tothe meeting; I snapped and grabbed him by the throat. He was terrified, he apologized for grabbing my son, but the other fathers never looked at me thesame again. They were all Doctors, Lawyers and executives and this type ofreaction is out of the norm for them.

I left the Catholic Church during the asexual abuse scandal,I just couldn’t bear to be around this, I never told my wife the reason why.( noneof my abusers were priests) This caused us significant marital problems for us,in that my Wife loved the Catholic Church being a good Catholic girl.

 

What does this have to do with infidelity? My Mothers motherwas a cheater and left my Mother and her Brother and my Grandfather and gotpregnant by a POSOM that I knew as my (step) Grandfather. My Mother and Uncle were abandoned by Grandmother for several years before she came back and gotthem. This damaged my Mother so much that she was unable to function in thereal world and herself became a victim of many POSOM’s, one of which was my primary abuser.

 

I guess I don’t know how to move forward from this, my past has got me again and I can’t bear to have it brought to the forefront and Idon’t want people to know about it or think badly of me. I have worked so hard to get where I am at today. My counselor said that she is not a strong supporter of LS for emotional support and advice,but advised me that since I am already on here that it may help me to post itso that I will be better able to discuss this in front of other people,including my wife. I posted it here because I feel safe enough to say it now from the cover anonymity. My question to this forum is do you think that I truly need to tell this to my Wife about this? She does know about my abusephysical and mental, but not in detail. I would like to keep it secret and work with my counselor in private. BDT

BDT: I so sorry you are at this state. I have dealt with people with severe PTSD and I think your therapist is right you need 1 thing in your life at this moment more than anything else, stability . I believe telling your wife about your past will take a huge burden of your shoulder and help give you the much needed stability. You feel embarrassment about it but you really shouldn't. The hardest thing about people with PTSD is getting them to trust their therapist especially at the beginning but once they start they feel better, you too my friend you will feel better. You must forget everything that's bothered you now including your wife's issues and focus on you

[m.snow]

My question to this forum is do you think that I truly need to tell this to my Wife about this? She does know about my abusephysical and mental, but not in detail. I would like to keep it secret and work with my counselor in private. BDT

 

it is a difficult question, but i'd think i would follow the counselor's advice.

hopefuly the counselor is aware of the marital wows. and the difficulty of telling wife.

 

but quibist is right.

for now focus on you! the other things can wait.

[aliveagain]

When all this happened you were a child, a child who couldn't defend himself against an adult. No one here blames you for the abuse you suffered. You are all grown, you can do something about the things that happened to you and possibly some of your siblings. Getting the professional help you need is the right thing to do. I think that when you are strong enough you need to share this information with your spouse, assuming you decide to reconcile. This information is too big to keep buried and absolutely needs to be dealt with because it will fu*k up your life. Stay strong, none of this was your fault. Any fool stupid enough to lay any blame on you deserves the a$$ kicking he gets( by the way, any doctor, lawyer or whoever that is stupid enough to touch my kids will have time to think about their actions while recovering from a hospital bed).

[Bigdaddyt]

I am terrified to tell my Wife, it would kill me if she was disgusted by me or she told my In Laws or God forbid my Children.

[qubist]

I am terrified to tell my Wife, it would kill me if she was disgusted by me or she told my In Laws or God forbid my Children.

don't be, I don't know how to convince you, but the embarrassment is just in your head, you feel like you are going to let your family down you feel like you are setting yourself aside from the life of your loved ones. IT IS JUST IN YOUR HEAD.

[aliveagain]

I am terrified to tell my Wife, it would kill me if she was disgusted by me or she told my In Laws or God forbid my Children.

 

My guess is it will explain a lot of things to her and will probably bring the two of you closer. I think it will give her the cause she needs to be your wife if that is what you want. It can't make things worse then they have been because you both had secrets, marriages with secrets rarely survive.

[Bigdaddyt]

don't be, I don't know how to convince you, but the embarrassment is just in your head, you feel like you are going to let your family down you feel like you are setting yourself aside from the life of your loved ones. IT IS JUST IN YOUR HEAD.

 

Qubist, After all these years past this, it now seems like yesterday . I am at fault for not fixing this and not telling my wife before we married. She probably would not have married me. I would be opposed to my children getting involved with someone with a similar past.

[Bigdaddyt]

My guess is it will explain a lot of things to her and will probably bring the two of you closer. I think it will give her the cause she needs to be your wife if that is what you want. It can't make things worse then they have been because you both had secrets, marriages with secrets rarely survive.

 

Alive, I know this is the truth, I will probably tell her about this at some point , I will have to work my way up to this. I am a functioning shell, I am getting my work done but not up to my normal standard.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I know this is the truth, I will probably tell her about this at some point , I will have to work my way up to this. I am a functioning shell, I am getting my work done but not up to my normal standard.

 

I am also afraid that if we do divorce, this will give her ammo to use against me for child custody.