Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, I share a similar past. While it was not me, I witnessed it and put a stop to it at the age of 15. I still remember the silent scream. The fear. Like you, I trained myself to protect. To kill if necessary. Has this affectedy life? Of course, however at some point, me and my sister talked and put this where it belongs. In yesterday.

 

IMHO, you should not share this with your wife. This is something only you and somene who you feel completely safe with should discuss. Look at your post. For god sake man, you fear she may use this against you!! Take the pain on this. YOUR ABUSE AND HER INFIDELITY ARE NOT RELATED.

 

Read that again.

 

Let her fix herself and you fix yourself, Seperate the 2.

 

Strength an Honor

 

66, I am afraid to discuss this with my siblings, what if they weren't abused. I do believe that my oldest sister was becuase of how she is today. My past and wifes infidelity are two separate things , but I know me being so damaged cuased a lot of this. I also stopped my own abuse once I got older and stronger. My abuser died from a massive heart attack when I was in my early teens.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, you need to realize that you should be the priority at this moment. stop worrying about everything else. as for your marriage you were gifted a test of how solid it could be if it passes this you and your wife could be the happiest couple. but I have to admit it will be a fail/pass test. listen to your therapist advise and scheduled a joint session. let him break it down for her in way that shows your venerability.

 

Qubist, I agree, this is possibly one of the lowest points in my crazy life. I am undecided if I should tell my Wife. I will probably wait until the weekend is over to decide.

[Bigdaddyt]

BigDaddy, MANY of us are victims of childhood sexual abuse. I am.

 

There is no shame in needing help to work through the issues surrounding it.

 

However, I do not believe you should tell your WW.

 

At some point, when/if you are with a woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with (and *maybe* that will be your WW in the future - maybe lot), then you can open yourself up to that person.

 

But at this time, I don't think there will be anything gained by her knowing, other than giving her ammunition. She can't handle her own mental illness at this time. She won't be able to effectively deal with someone else's problems.

 

You *are* a survivor so I have no doubt you will come out of this just fine; if not stronger and more together. The same can't be said of her.

 

Take care.

 

CarrieT, When I was 8 I tried to hang myself becuase my abuse was more than I could bare. I tied a rope to a beam in the basement and jumped off of a chair. There must be a God becuase the rope broke.

Edited October 2, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[Bigdaddyt]

BigDaddy, MANY of us are victims of childhood sexual abuse. I am.

 

There is no shame in needing help to work through the issues surrounding it.

 

However, I do not believe you should tell your WW.

 

At some point, when/if you are with a woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with (and *maybe* that will be your WW in the future - maybe lot), then you can open yourself up to that person.

 

But at this time, I don't think there will be anything gained by her knowing, other than giving her ammunition. She can't handle her own mental illness at this time. She won't be able to effectively deal with someone else's problems.

 

You *are* a survivor so I have no doubt you will come out of this just fine; if not stronger and more together. The same can't be said of her.

 

Take care.

 

CarrieT, I originally thought that you said that you were a survivor as well, but I am such a mess today that I thought that I made a mistake. I am glad that you survived.

[Bigdaddyt]

BigDaddy, MANY of us are victims of childhood sexual abuse. I am.

 

There is no shame in needing help to work through the issues surrounding it.

 

However, I do not believe you should tell your WW.

 

At some point, when/if you are with a woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with (and *maybe* that will be your WW in the future - maybe lot), then you can open yourself up to that person.

 

But at this time, I don't think there will be anything gained by her knowing, other than giving her ammunition. She can't handle her own mental illness at this time. She won't be able to effectively deal with someone else's problems.

 

You *are* a survivor so I have no doubt you will come out of this just fine; if not stronger and more together. The same can't be said of her.

 

Take care.

 

CarrieT, how did you get past your abuse? Did the pain ever go away?

[GorillaTheater]

CarrieT, When I was 8 I tried to hang myself becuase my abuse was more than I could bare. I tied a rope to a beam in the basement and jumped off of a chair. There must be a God becuase the rope broke.

 

BDT, I have got f*cking tears in my eyes reading this. I am so, so sorry you went through this.

 

You probably know this at one level, but I'm not sure you do at another: you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Absolutely nothing. Please don't let the lies of false, toxic shame control any aspect of your life.

[turnera]

BDT: I so sorry you are at this state. I have dealt with people with severe PTSD and I think your therapist is right you need 1 thing in your life at this moment more than anything else, stability . I believe telling your wife about your past will take a huge burden of your shoulder and help give you the much needed stability. You feel embarrassment about it but you really shouldn't. The hardest thing about people with PTSD is getting them to trust their therapist especially at the beginning but once they start they feel better, you too my friend you will feel better. You must forget everything that's bothered you now including your wife's issues and focus on you

I think it will also make many many things clear to her as to things you may have done in the past that she may have construed as just stubborn or wrong (like babysitters; can't blame you; my neighbor's two boys were abused by a babysitter - from their church!).

 

It might bring her closer to you, most definitely it will make her more understanding and thoughtful and wanting to help you even. Right now, I think that would be a benefit for you.

 

I know that, from your skewed perspective, you think people would think badly of you if they knew. So please listen to me: you do not have the proper background to make that analysis. Your belief when it comes to that is WRONG. I don't know a SINGLE person, ever, in my life who has known about an abuse survivor and thought anything bad about the VICTIM! Not a single person! Universally, when people hear about it, they feel bad FOR you, not about you. So, for now, until you get more therapy, please trust me on this: telling your wife will soften her heart, not harden it. AND it will help her understand who you are, what you want, what you do.

 

It's like a dog dressing up like a human, and people (if it were possible) believing he's a human, and telling him don't be a bum, go get a job! I know, crazy example, but you know what I mean. If people don't understand who you truly are, especially about something that so completely permeates everything about who you are, they will not, cannot, interact with you accurately. Does that make sense? Like those guys at the scouts, if you'd been able to tell them at that time WHY you were so hyperactive about it, they wouldn't have looked at you strangely; they would have understood why you did it, commiserated with you, and you would have ended up friends, instead.

 

So yes, I hope you will tell her. Write it out and hand it to her. Tell her you're finally getting help for it and part of your treatment is to let her know. That is alll. You're not asking anything from her; just informing her as part of your therapy.

 

I think it will make a huge difference.

 

Oh, and btw, it's not true that 'everyone' thinks that an abused child grows up to be an abuser. So, another false truth you have to get out of your head.

 

Anyway, I am really really proud of you.

[turnera]

Qubist, After all these years past this, it now seems like yesterday . I am at fault for not fixing this and not telling my wife before we married. She probably would not have married me. I would be opposed to my children getting involved with someone with a similar past.

Why? DID you grow up to be an abuser?

 

Of course not.

 

Your mistake is thinking the victim is the bad guy. He's not. He's just a victim from a time when he couldn't defend himself (and his mother failed to protect him).

 

The abuser is the bad guy.

[Civil]

You have to refocus. The only shame is all, all on the adults who were supposed to love and protect you. All of it. You know this. And you know you're not alone.

 

In one sense, yes, your therapist may be shocked. So many kids who go through less than you did are just lost, but you overcame incredible odds, educated yourself, succeeded in a career and became a responsible parent. For one thing, especially given your career (two plants? ten times as complicated) you have to have very highly developed cognitive abilities and problem solving skills. Admit that. Tell your therapist about your strengths as well.

 

Did you give her the letter? She's heard this, understands it and has stuff you need to hear, now. Did she outline an approach to relieve the PTSD symptoms, ways to build up some immunity, ways to manage the memories?

[turnera]

CarrieT, When I was 8 I tried to hang myself becuase my abuse was more than I could bare. I tied a rope to a beam in the basement and jumped off of a chair. There must be a God becuase the rope broke.

{{{hugs}}}

 

That's me virtually hugging you.

 

My heart breaks for that poor child.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, I have got f*cking tears in my eyes reading this. I am so, so sorry you went through this.

 

You probably know this at one level, but I'm not sure you do at another: you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Absolutely nothing. Please don't let the lies of false, toxic shame control any aspect of your life.

 

GT, Sorry, I didn't put this out for dramatic effect, this stuff long buried is coming out. I am shaking as I write this . I wi get it together , I morn for the child that was lost, but I survived and became a strong man.

[turnera]

btw, there's no rush in telling your wife, if you do so. And if you do it, you probably will want to do it in front of the therapist. And if you end up not reconciling, no reason to tell her.

[turnera]

GT, Sorry, I didn't put this out for dramatic effect, this stuff long buried is coming out. I am shaking as I write this . I wi get it together , I morn for the child that was lost, but I survived and became a strong man.

Ok, I am NOT ragging on you, but I'm trying to help you start seeing where your toxic shame skews your perspective. Have you started reading that book I think I told you about? Healing The Shame That Binds You?

 

When GT told you about the tears, it wasn't to 'blame' you for making it happen. It was to commiserate with you, let you know that we care about you and support you and hurt for you.

 

Do you see that? Nobody thought 'gee, what a drama queen.' That's your toxic shame talking.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I want to thank everyone for your kindness and support. I truly feared that I would be looked down on for my past abuse. Stupid I know my abuser f--ked with my mind so badly That I was this horrible demon seed that deserved to be perpetually punished. Everyone is right that this was too big to bury.

[qubist]

I don't want to sound like I'm disrespecting those who think BDT should not tell his wife, but the therapist was right when she said that LS was bad idea. majority of people do not know much about PSTD's biggest obstacle which is the burden that the effected person feels when they are afraid to either hurt their loved ones or let their lives pass by, the therapist must have seen that confessing to the wife will help getting that first crucial step.

BDT, with all respect to everyone here, you gotta follow what your therapist is suggesting

[Bigdaddyt]

I think you can work on this in private. There's really not one reason to tell your WW - as she's not been well and she's not been thinking primarily of your well being for this recent past.

 

It's only YOU who can change the meaning you assigned to the events when you were younger. Much as you can't fix things for your wife = she can't fix things for you.

 

 

That violent physical (sick) reaction...it's healthy and normal in the process of 'getting it out' and getting things moving in the right direction.

 

 

You can overcome your FOO and change things completely for yourself. I don't think telling your WW would help. She's been in the 'abuser' role for many years (making you her victim) - no need to offer her your chin to take a swing at, right? No need to offer HER details that should only be shared when you feel safe and protected. She isn't the person to feel safe and protected with. If you do, you are reigniting that scenario of when you were a kid. Do NOT put yourself in the position of trusting her...she has NOT earned your trust!

 

Keep it within yourself and the counselor! Let go of ALL your assigned meaning - when you are ready. Some forms of letting go are useful exercises. Such as:

 

 

Art therapy - draw out chalk pictures on a sidewalk so you get it out of your head. Wash it "away" when finished.

 

Put the anger on rocks and hurl them over the cliff or throw them into the ocean - saying out loud what you're letting go of.

 

Play with a hula hoop! It's very methodical but represents never allowing others into our own personal space!

 

I have many useful exercises like these that signify "letting go".

 

 

Consider taking action to reveal the perpetrator to authorities. He/She certainly has more victims that were affected. Have your PI do a back ground search to see if the person is living. You can consider gaining YOUR power back by addressing the perpetrator either directly or indirectly to have a voice to speak YOUR truth.

 

 

No wonder you overlooked her abusing you - it was your normal that someone treat you terribly. No more!!! Everything need to change - including your perspective and your truth. That happens with "contrary behavior" and you are off to a good start.

 

I commend you - this is difficult - but I can tell you = IT IS SO WORTH IT! Sift through the crap. Toss out what doesn't work for you - and begin to set NEW guidelines that work for YOU and only YOU!

 

 

I refer to it as "weeding the garden"! I can't grow beautiful flowers if tge crappy weeds have taken over...so I extricate all the crap and make room in my head for love! Room for loving people, loving behavior and room to grow and learn by putting my past in the past.

 

 

I am sending you positive energy for today! You are doing great - just KEEP moving forward!!! No running backwards!!!!!!

 

 

You can't make the past different but you can unleash the hold it's had on you mentally and emotionally.

 

 

When it affects you physically (which is normal when throwing up all the violent past) - it's best to lay and cry as long as you can. Get it OUT...set it free.

 

Then get busy living and being happy!

 

S2B, I am going to get through this, today is my hardest day yet. I am an amateur artist I like to paint with water colors and Use ink together, I will probably start this again, anything to settle my mind.

[Bigdaddyt]

I think it will also make many many things clear to her as to things you may have done in the past that she may have construed as just stubborn or wrong (like babysitters; can't blame you; my neighbor's two boys were abused by a babysitter - from their church!).

 

It might bring her closer to you, most definitely it will make her more understanding and thoughtful and wanting to help you even. Right now, I think that would be a benefit for you.

 

I know that, from your skewed perspective, you think people would think badly of you if they knew. So please listen to me: you do not have the proper background to make that analysis. Your belief when it comes to that is WRONG. I don't know a SINGLE person, ever, in my life who has known about an abuse survivor and thought anything bad about the VICTIM! Not a single person! Universally, when people hear about it, they feel bad FOR you, not about you. So, for now, until you get more therapy, please trust me on this: telling your wife will soften her heart, not harden it. AND it will help her understand who you are, what you want, what you do.

 

It's like a dog dressing up like a human, and people (if it were possible) believing he's a human, and telling him don't be a bum, go get a job! I know, crazy example, but you know what I mean. If people don't understand who you truly are, especially about something that so completely permeates everything about who you are, they will not, cannot, interact with you accurately. Does that make sense? Like those guys at the scouts, if you'd been able to tell them at that time WHY you were so hyperactive about it, they wouldn't have looked at you strangely; they would have understood why you did it, commiserated with you, and you would have ended up friends, instead.

 

So yes, I hope you will tell her. Write it out and hand it to her. Tell her you're finally getting help for it and part of your treatment is to let her know. That is alll. You're not asking anything from her; just informing her as part of your therapy.

 

I think it will make a huge difference.

 

Oh, and btw, it's not true that 'everyone' thinks that an abused child grows up to be an abuser. So, another false truth you have to get out of your head.

 

Anyway, I am really really proud of you.

 

Turnera, Thankyou for your suggestions with the letter to my therapist , I never would have told her. I should have taken today off of work, but I just can't be away. Things will go to hell if I am not here, I will have to reread everyone's post again later I am really out of it today.

[Bigdaddyt]

I think the timing and circumstances do NOT warrant his WW knowing 'at this time'.

 

Considering her behavior and disrespecting him - she hasn't EARNED him feeling safe with her. She's betrayed him, she's disrespected him as a human being. Revealing past abuse needs a VERY trusting and nurturing environment.

 

While I'm glad she is showing empathy for his pain, this doesn't formulate tiger keeping his info between the two of them! What IF she goes and tells her girlfriends? That would be catastrophic!!! No, she can't be trusted.

 

When feeling traumatized - you don't go and hand more ammunition to the one CURRENTLY causing the pain that bubbles up!

 

 

Regaining a sense of power is the goal. Letting go of all negative 'feelings' and thoughts is the goal.

 

Inviting in others that are trustworthy is helpful. No need to tell - just take action. Actions to remove what is negative around you and actions to place more positivity INTO your daily life!

 

S2B, right now I have no more fight left in me to take a chance on her using this against me. If she were to go on the attack it would finish me now. I am going to get myself together and get back on my feet. I hope this is just that this pain is new and It will lessen.

[turnera]

I have a prescription for you. Don't know where you live, but I'm going on the expectation that there is either a lake, a woods, or an ocean within driving distance. I suggest you go for a drive, maybe get a hotel room (with room service!), and go for a long long walk around that lake, through those woods, or down that beach. Just go and soak up the nature. Enjoy it. Let it infuse you with good thoughts and beauty and God's presence. Then come home in time for work on Monday.

[Bigdaddyt]

Ok, I am NOT ragging on you, but I'm trying to help you start seeing where your toxic shame skews your perspective. Have you started reading that book I think I told you about? Healing The Shame That Binds You?

 

When GT told you about the tears, it wasn't to 'blame' you for making it happen. It was to commiserate with you, let you know that we care about you and support you and hurt for you.

 

Do you see that? Nobody thought 'gee, what a drama queen.' That's your toxic shame talking.

 

Turnera, not yet but I will, I am just trying to get through this week. I had a real number done on my head, I even sit in the back of the church I feel in unworthy.

[Bigdaddyt]

I have a prescription for you. Don't know where you live, but I'm going on the expectation that there is either a lake, a woods, or an ocean within driving distance. I suggest you go for a drive, maybe get a hotel room (with room service!), and go for a long long walk around that lake, through those woods, or down that beach. Just go and soak up the nature. Enjoy it. Let it infuse you with good thoughts and beauty and God's presence. Then come home in time for work on Monday.

 

Turnera, I am blessed to live in a nice development that has 30 houses on about 70 acres of woods. It is beautiful and relaxing. I will force myself to wind down . This crap is just all came back and I can remember every detai as if it just happened.

[turnera]

Think about it.

 

Would Jesus say you were unworthy if he met you?

[qubist]

S2B: While I respect you and your opinion allow me to give you my POV, first of all let's make clear that BDT has nothing to be ashamed of, and his only concern at this moment is to treat himself and sometimes healing will require a big sacrifice and effort.

I think the timing and circumstances do NOT warrant his WW knowing 'at this time'.

I disagree, this is a huge opportunity to see if his wife really on his side

Considering her behavior and disrespecting him - she hasn't EARNED him feeling safe with her. She's betrayed him, she's disrespected him as a human being. Revealing past abuse needs a VERY trusting and nurturing environment.

I believe her infidelity and behavior in general was a result of many independent factors but everything that BDT said indicated that she does care for him

While I'm glad she is showing empathy for his pain, this doesn't formulate tiger keeping his info between the two of them! What IF she goes and tells her girlfriends? That would be catastrophic!!! No, she can't be trusted.

again BDT has nothing to be ashamed for in fact those women have nore to worry about then BDT, and like I said this will be a test for her

When feeling traumatized - you don't go and hand more ammunition to the one CURRENTLY causing the pain that bubbles up!

she is not the one responsible for his PSTD so this doesn't apply

Regaining a sense of power is the goal. Letting go of all negative 'feelings' and thoughts is the goal.

 

Inviting in others that are trustworthy is helpful. No need to tell - just take action. Actions to remove what is negative around you and actions to place more positivity INTO your daily life!

this is exactly what the therapist is trying to achieve, by putting out there to person that knows him the most it will help free his mind from how he sees it, then work toward gaining control

[Bigdaddyt]

Think about it.

 

Would Jesus say you were unworthy if he met you?

 

Turnera, I know the right answer is no he wouldn't , but I have felt do horrible about this and ashamed it has seriously affected my self worth . I guess it is called toxic shame.

[qubist]

Turnera, I know the right answer is no he wouldn't , but I have felt do horrible about this and ashamed it has seriously affected my self worth . I guess it is called toxic shame.

very toxic, because you are pounding the affect of how you would be perceived by others and specially your closed ones.

the ones that really love you will not only accept you they would go out of their ways to be beside you