Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

I think it will also make many many things clear to her as to things you may have done in the past that she may have construed as just stubborn or wrong (like babysitters; can't blame you; my neighbor's two boys were abused by a babysitter - from their church!).

 

It might bring her closer to you, most definitely it will make her more understanding and thoughtful and wanting to help you even. Right now, I think that would be a benefit for you.

 

I know that, from your skewed perspective, you think people would think badly of you if they knew. So please listen to me: you do not have the proper background to make that analysis. Your belief when it comes to that is WRONG. I don't know a SINGLE person, ever, in my life who has known about an abuse survivor and thought anything bad about the VICTIM! Not a single person! Universally, when people hear about it, they feel bad FOR you, not about you. So, for now, until you get more therapy, please trust me on this: telling your wife will soften her heart, not harden it. AND it will help her understand who you are, what you want, what you do.

 

It's like a dog dressing up like a human, and people (if it were possible) believing he's a human, and telling him don't be a bum, go get a job! I know, crazy example, but you know what I mean. If people don't understand who you truly are, especially about something that so completely permeates everything about who you are, they will not, cannot, interact with you accurately. Does that make sense? Like those guys at the scouts, if you'd been able to tell them at that time WHY you were so hyperactive about it, they wouldn't have looked at you strangely; they would have understood why you did it, commiserated with you, and you would have ended up friends, instead.

 

So yes, I hope you will tell her. Write it out and hand it to her. Tell her you're finally getting help for it and part of your treatment is to let her know. That is alll. You're not asking anything from her; just informing her as part of your therapy.

 

I think it will make a huge difference.

 

Oh, and btw, it's not true that 'everyone' thinks that an abused child grows up to be an abuser. So, another false truth you have to get out of your head.

 

Anyway, I am really really proud of you.

 

Turnera, Thankyou for your suggestions with the letter to my therapist , I never would have told her. I should have taken today off of work, but I just can't be away. Things will go to hell if I am not here, I will have to reread everyone's post again later I am really out of it today.

[S2B]

I don't want to sound like I'm disrespecting those who think BDT should not tell his wife, but the therapist was right when she said that LS was bad idea. majority of people do not know much about PSTD's biggest obstacle which is the burden that the effected person feels when they are afraid to either hurt their loved ones or let their lives pass by, the therapist must have seen that confessing to the wife will help getting that first crucial step.

BDT, with all respect to everyone here, you gotta follow what your therapist is suggesting

 

I think the timing and circumstances do NOT warrant his WW knowing 'at this time'.

 

Considering her behavior and disrespecting him - she hasn't EARNED him feeling safe with her. She's betrayed him, she's disrespected him as a human being. Revealing past abuse needs a VERY trusting and nurturing environment.

 

While I'm glad she is showing empathy for his pain, this doesn't formulate tiger keeping his info between the two of them! What IF she goes and tells her girlfriends? That would be catastrophic!!! No, she can't be trusted.

 

When feeling traumatized - you don't go and hand more ammunition to the one CURRENTLY causing the pain that bubbles up!

 

 

Regaining a sense of power is the goal. Letting go of all negative 'feelings' and thoughts is the goal.

 

Inviting in others that are trustworthy is helpful. No need to tell - just take action. Actions to remove what is negative around you and actions to place more positivity INTO your daily life!

[Bigdaddyt]

I think the timing and circumstances do NOT warrant his WW knowing 'at this time'.

 

Considering her behavior and disrespecting him - she hasn't EARNED him feeling safe with her. She's betrayed him, she's disrespected him as a human being. Revealing past abuse needs a VERY trusting and nurturing environment.

 

While I'm glad she is showing empathy for his pain, this doesn't formulate tiger keeping his info between the two of them! What IF she goes and tells her girlfriends? That would be catastrophic!!! No, she can't be trusted.

 

When feeling traumatized - you don't go and hand more ammunition to the one CURRENTLY causing the pain that bubbles up!

 

 

Regaining a sense of power is the goal. Letting go of all negative 'feelings' and thoughts is the goal.

 

Inviting in others that are trustworthy is helpful. No need to tell - just take action. Actions to remove what is negative around you and actions to place more positivity INTO your daily life!

 

S2B, right now I have no more fight left in me to take a chance on her using this against me. If she were to go on the attack it would finish me now. I am going to get myself together and get back on my feet. I hope this is just that this pain is new and It will lessen.

[turnera]

I have a prescription for you. Don't know where you live, but I'm going on the expectation that there is either a lake, a woods, or an ocean within driving distance. I suggest you go for a drive, maybe get a hotel room (with room service!), and go for a long long walk around that lake, through those woods, or down that beach. Just go and soak up the nature. Enjoy it. Let it infuse you with good thoughts and beauty and God's presence. Then come home in time for work on Monday.

[Bigdaddyt]

Ok, I am NOT ragging on you, but I'm trying to help you start seeing where your toxic shame skews your perspective. Have you started reading that book I think I told you about? Healing The Shame That Binds You?

 

When GT told you about the tears, it wasn't to 'blame' you for making it happen. It was to commiserate with you, let you know that we care about you and support you and hurt for you.

 

Do you see that? Nobody thought 'gee, what a drama queen.' That's your toxic shame talking.

 

Turnera, not yet but I will, I am just trying to get through this week. I had a real number done on my head, I even sit in the back of the church I feel in unworthy.

[Bigdaddyt]

I have a prescription for you. Don't know where you live, but I'm going on the expectation that there is either a lake, a woods, or an ocean within driving distance. I suggest you go for a drive, maybe get a hotel room (with room service!), and go for a long long walk around that lake, through those woods, or down that beach. Just go and soak up the nature. Enjoy it. Let it infuse you with good thoughts and beauty and God's presence. Then come home in time for work on Monday.

 

Turnera, I am blessed to live in a nice development that has 30 houses on about 70 acres of woods. It is beautiful and relaxing. I will force myself to wind down . This crap is just all came back and I can remember every detai as if it just happened.

[turnera]

Think about it.

 

Would Jesus say you were unworthy if he met you?

[qubist]

S2B: While I respect you and your opinion allow me to give you my POV, first of all let's make clear that BDT has nothing to be ashamed of, and his only concern at this moment is to treat himself and sometimes healing will require a big sacrifice and effort.

I think the timing and circumstances do NOT warrant his WW knowing 'at this time'.

I disagree, this is a huge opportunity to see if his wife really on his side

Considering her behavior and disrespecting him - she hasn't EARNED him feeling safe with her. She's betrayed him, she's disrespected him as a human being. Revealing past abuse needs a VERY trusting and nurturing environment.

I believe her infidelity and behavior in general was a result of many independent factors but everything that BDT said indicated that she does care for him

While I'm glad she is showing empathy for his pain, this doesn't formulate tiger keeping his info between the two of them! What IF she goes and tells her girlfriends? That would be catastrophic!!! No, she can't be trusted.

again BDT has nothing to be ashamed for in fact those women have nore to worry about then BDT, and like I said this will be a test for her

When feeling traumatized - you don't go and hand more ammunition to the one CURRENTLY causing the pain that bubbles up!

she is not the one responsible for his PSTD so this doesn't apply

Regaining a sense of power is the goal. Letting go of all negative 'feelings' and thoughts is the goal.

 

Inviting in others that are trustworthy is helpful. No need to tell - just take action. Actions to remove what is negative around you and actions to place more positivity INTO your daily life!

this is exactly what the therapist is trying to achieve, by putting out there to person that knows him the most it will help free his mind from how he sees it, then work toward gaining control

[S2B]

Turnera, not yet but I will, I am just trying to get through this week. I had a real number done on my head, I even sit in the back of the church I feel in unworthy.

 

Ok, so contrary action (to obtain a NEW result) would indicate you go and sit in the FRONT row.

 

 

Just do it! Take new action to gain new results. Do nothing the same as in your past.

 

YOU get to decide what the new version of you looks like! Stay in the positive form on all things! Grow positive energy bigger and shut down completely any and all negative energy, thoughts, actions and words!!!

 

You are amazing and perfect! You are doing a great job of handling this! Follow only a path of positive energy! Remove anyone and anything if it isn't adding complete positive energy into your life!

 

It's very freeing! It's like heaven on earth!!!!

 

And I got this for myself! No one "gave it" to me. No one provided me this. What I get - I get FROM myself. Whatever it is you are 'looking for' can be provided to you - BY YOU.

 

 

Eat out alone! You are actually 'never alone' - you can be a completely happy person without expecting 'others' to provide that for you. Contrary action is eating out on your own. It can be fun! It can be viewed as a positive and growing experience. You will learn how to be happy on your own by letting go of any fears you have had = past tense :-)

 

 

Keep up the good work! You are about to set yourself up for a new life! One that can be better than you ever imagined.

[Bigdaddyt]

Think about it.

 

Would Jesus say you were unworthy if he met you?

 

Turnera, I know the right answer is no he wouldn't , but I have felt do horrible about this and ashamed it has seriously affected my self worth . I guess it is called toxic shame.

[qubist]

Turnera, I know the right answer is no he wouldn't , but I have felt do horrible about this and ashamed it has seriously affected my self worth . I guess it is called toxic shame.

very toxic, because you are pounding the affect of how you would be perceived by others and specially your closed ones.

the ones that really love you will not only accept you they would go out of their ways to be beside you

[Civil]

S2B, I hope this is just that this pain is new and It will lessen.

 

It absolutely will. Suppressed stuff will bubble up, but will become less and less toxic as you recognize it for what it is.

 

Agree about LS... paradox. Big advantage that you're able to express yourself. My "homework" was an hour a day with a legal pad, taking on one aspect each week, writing about it, longhand over and over until it's all been said. Not to share, just to do it and trash it. An hour a day, wrenching, then leave the room and look at pictures of my kids.

 

In any sensitive matter, you wouldn't confide in someone you can't entirely trust. No different here. Best taken slowly and with forethought. Our kids are much older than yours, it took time, but by now they know, understand, respect the history. And it's a whole lot. Many parallels, typical clusters. You'd recognize us instantly!

[Bigdaddyt]

S2B: While I respect you and your opinion allow me to give you my POV, first of all let's make clear that BDT has nothing to be ashamed of, and his only concern at this moment is to treat himself and sometimes healing will require a big sacrifice and effort.

 

I disagree, this is a huge opportunity to see if his wife really on his side

 

I believe her infidelity and behavior in general was a result of many independent factors but everything that BDT said indicated that she does care for him

 

again BDT has nothing to be ashamed for in fact those women have nore to worry about then BDT, and like I said this will be a test for her

 

she is not the one responsible for his PSTD so this doesn't apply

 

this is exactly what the therapist is trying to achieve, by putting out there to person that knows him the most it will help free his mind from how he sees it, then work toward gaining control

Qubist, I truly respect your and S2B views , I will have to figure this out once I am not so emotional. I am going to call my sister today to talk to her but I want to do it in a private setting my wife will not allow me to be alone right now, she knows that somethings bad has happened .

[S2B]

EMDR may be useful in this situation.

 

Check it out with your psychologist.

 

It may be a useful tool!

 

And read the books suggested throughout the thread. The one that helped me a lot was "the four agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Very small book but packs a lot of punch in taking your power back - beginning a new and authentic life pattern instead of what "others" tell you to believe.

 

It changed my life for the better.

 

 

Weed that garden:-)

[turnera]

Yes, your therapist is eventually going to tell you to sit in the front row, metaphorically. To do things as if you DO matter and you ARE worthy. Only then can you start to feel it and believe it. He will tell you to make friends. He will tell you to do things that show you matter and are a great person. But doing something you're afraid to do is one of the most important ways to overcome those feelings you have. So, next Sunday, sit in the NEXT to last row. Ok? Just do that one thing for me.

 

And then next week, when you go back to work, take a book with you. At lunchtime, take your sack lunch or buy a lunch to go, and go sit out somewhere public. Take the book, open it, and start reading. See, you'll be facing your fear, but you also have your book as an excuse to not actually have to 'face' anyone. I do it all the time. My book is my protector. I take it with me to go to a movie; go in, sit down, and read my book until the movie starts. Nobody's going to talk to me, I'm reading. But it gets me outside my comfort zone so I start feeling a little more 'worthy' and as valuable as all the people around me. It really does work.

[Bigdaddyt]

very toxic, because you are pounding the affect of how you would be perceived by others and specially your closed ones.

the ones that really love you will not only accept you they would go out of their ways to be beside you

 

Qubist, I no doubt have a lot of work to do on the inside, I tell myself that the outside is done, I am halfway there.

[Bigdaddyt]

Yes, your therapist is eventually going to tell you to sit in the front row, metaphorically. To do things as if you DO matter and you ARE worthy. Only then can you start to feel it and believe it. He will tell you to make friends. He will tell you to do things that show you matter and are a great person. But doing something you're afraid to do is one of the most important ways to overcome those feelings you have. So, next Sunday, sit in the NEXT to last row. Ok? Just do that one thing for me.

 

And then next week, when you go back to work, take a book with you. At lunchtime, take your sack lunch or buy a lunch to go, and go sit out somewhere public. Take the book, open it, and start reading. See, you'll be facing your fear, but you also have your book as an excuse to not actually have to 'face' anyone. I do it all the time. My book is my protector. I take it with me to go to a movie; go in, sit down, and read my book until the movie starts. Nobody's going to talk to me, I'm reading. But it gets me outside my comfort zone so I start feeling a little more 'worthy' and as valuable as all the people around me. It really does work.

 

Turnera, you actually made me laugh and today that is a tough act to follow. I will move up maybe a pew a week until I sit up front. I will get the book.

[turnera]

I will move up maybe a pew a week until I sit up front.

Exactly! That's actually what I had in mind!

[Bigdaddyt]

It absolutely will. Suppressed stuff will bubble up, but will become less and less toxic as you recognize it for what it is.

 

Agree about LS... paradox. Big advantage that you're able to express yourself. My "homework" was an hour a day with a legal pad, taking on one aspect each week, writing about it, longhand over and over until it's all been said. Not to share, just to do it and trash it. An hour a day, wrenching, then leave the room and look at pictures of my kids.

 

In any sensitive matter, you wouldn't confide in someone you can't entirely trust. No different here. Best taken slowly and with forethought. Our kids are much older than yours, it took time, but by now they know, understand, respect the history. And it's a whole lot. Many parallels, typical clusters. You'd recognize us instantly!

 

Civil, This site is where I do my homework I can't have any down time at home for now. I do look at my children's pictures and they always pick me up. I also have a golden retriever that follows me around my house.

[turnera]

Ooh! Take your golden retriever on your road trip tomorrow!

[Bigdaddyt]

All: Thankyou for being here for me and giving me such thoughtful and kind responses. I am completely drained today and I cannot stop shaking, I don't know why. I am going to take a break and will check in tomorrow . Thanks LS

[Mr Blunt]

BigdaddyT

You have been violated to a great degree and you were completely innocent. You were preyed upon by pure evil!

Your attitude and actions as describe in this thread are OUTSTANDING!!

I am very much impressed by you and see a mountain of strength in you!

 

 

Yes I know you are so shaken that you can barely stand, but you have endured and even have helped your children. I am more impressed by people that still do good things when they have been hit with some of the worse events in life yet they still are good, than I am with the strong person who does good. You can trust a hurt man that does well because he has been tested by fire and found to be good at his lowest point.

 

Now take this truth without you looking for what you have done that is not so good. You do not have a real good image of yourself because of what you have been through so stay away from those thoughts about what you feel you did not do well because they will be exaggerated in your mind.

 

You are a good man and your actions have proved that!

[turnera]

You could also take some ZZZquil and just sleep for the next two days. I'll bet your body could use it.

[World's.Edge]

Bigdaddyt sorry to have read about the abuse you endured when you were young.

 

I'm glad that you are finally able to express that this horribleness happened to you. That in itself is a huge step towards working through it. In sixth grade a friend confided in a few of us that he was abused by a teacher at his previous school and an ex of mine told me of her abuse as well. Talking about it does help.

 

You were a child, the actions of the adult who did that to you were beyond your control and understanding. What happened to you isn't a reflection on who you are or your worth. It's not a reason for anyone to judge you or something that you should feel ashamed of.

I know the above may not be easy to accept and internalize but accept it as an absolute truth and fact.

 

So you have issues and are a little f***ed up, that's okay. Continue to work through this with your therapist. Accept that this happened to you, cry, scream, puke, shout, get angry, do what yu need to do, don't bury and hide from it. Confide in people you feel 'safe' with if you can, like close friends or family.

 

It will take time but you will eventually be fine, better. You'll breathe like you've never breathed before.

 

With regard to telling your wife, I'm not sure you should. She hasn't earned and demonstrated herself capable and worthy of you being able to confide this in her. She's not all that together at the moment and her behaviour, infidelity and the (possible?) divorce are already enough to condend with, for you and her both.

 

Your well-being should be your top priority, so focus on yourself and your healing.

Edited October 2, 2015 by World's.Edge

[farsidejunky]

Turnera, Thankyou for your suggestions with the letter to my therapist , I never would have told her. I should have taken today off of work, but I just can't be away. Things will go to hell if I am not here, I will have to reread everyone's post again later I am really out of it today.

 

Spoken like a true knight in shining armor.

 

BDT, you have to be able to lay things down at times. Even if it is for a short time.

 

As for what you have revealed, I am sorry brother. Nobody should have to ever deal with that. That you have become the man you are is a testament to your character and strength. That is also shown in you gutting it out and revealing it.

 

As for direction? I think your therapist has the best view of things. I would follow her advice carefully.

 

BDT, you are doing great. I want to give you one more word of caution. Don't fall into the trap of allowing your emotions to believe that disclosing this will somehow fix your wife. Your history has nothing to do with her behavior. It is a common nice guy problem to believe that if we fix ourselves, it will fix our partner. Please...please...see that clearly, brother.

 

Continuing to pray for you.