Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[whatatangledweb]

No one is going to blame you for your childhood sexual abuse. You blame you because you think you caused it or you should have stopped it. None of that is true. I know many CSA survivorors believe this. It is why therapy is so important. Finding a group of others who have survived this and join it. You will find it a place to talk about it with others who know and feel like you do. The more you talk about it the less weight it has on you.

 

If you feel safe telling your wife, meaning she will be there for you and keep it to herself, then do so. I don't think it is a good idea right now due to how she was talking about you to her friends not long ago, but that is me. Tell someone you are really close to, maybe a sibling? They won't judge you. Nor should anyone else.

 

You will not loose your children over it. You have not abused them in any way,shape, or form.

 

I am so sorry you are reliving this nightmare. ( hugs)

[66Charger]

, BDT you can not afford to have you STBX in your life right now. I will sometimes agree with the "reconciliation all the time, pillows and tissues, try to forgive your ws" posters, but why in the world with all that is going on should you have to deal with a seriel cheater. The only person you need to be concerned with right now is you. Why on earth is your "STBX" clinging to you? Get the hell out of there. Truly you have a problem of abandonment if you think this one is your saviour. Look at the damage these 2 have done to you. One is dead and the other should be long gone.

 

You dont need a weekend break. You need a PERMANENT break. If (when) you start healing yourself and are on the way to recovery, and something goes down with your "not yet divorced wife", (and it will) it may break you. Can you really afford that?

 

Is it really worth the risk to your mental health? The idea that you should deal with your own issues, while simultaneously dealing with a severely damaged individual is ridiculous.

 

You are going to fall. And you are going to fall hard. This is wayyy yo much for any man to handle. Stop trying to be superhero and save yourself. Its time to take care of BDT and only BDT and his children.

 

Buckle up. Your damage is deep. Its time to work on burying the past and that includes ALL of your past. You can do this.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I called my sister last night on my way home from work to talk about our past life. She knew a great deal more about my situation then I thought and said that Frankenswine (our name for our Stepfather) would come into the bathroom when she was in the shower and pull the curtain back to look at her. She also said that she told our Mother who was so battered that she would just get a crazy scared look on her face, like a deer in the headlights look. Our Mother would just dismiss this as her imagination or she was mistaken. She also said that she told a minister and his wife that lived near us and they offered to take her in and actually approached our Mother and tried to get her to give her to them to raise. I told her some of my details and she said that I need to go to counseling and that I need to tell my Wife about this immediately.

I sat my wife down and told her about my conversation about how my sister claimed that Frankenswine tried to molest her as a child and my wife asked me if I thought that it was true, I told her that I know that it is true becuase he molested me for years. I went into some detail and this cuased my wife to cry and tell me that she is so sorry. I told her that I didn't tell her becuase I was too ashamed and afraid that she would look at me as if I were a monster.

She said that I am the kindest and most decent person that she has every known and she said that my life with her has proven this. She appologized for her past and said that this explains so much to her and that we will work together to get through this.

I received good counsel for exposing this to her and not, I just went with my gut and told her. I am going to spend the day with her and my children I will update again on Sunday or Monday. Thanks for your support and prayers.

[Bigdaddyt]

it would have been better had you worked on yourself before getting married but you were never at fault, you didn't know any better you needed a relationship and at that time your wife was an ideal choice. you need to get this out of your mind, I wish I can drive to your house pick both of you up and take you both to the therapist today. your therapist will explain to her do not worry about it. believe me the second you let it all out you would be like WTF I'm relieved. you also find out how much she really loves you. if she does she would help you

 

Qubist, You are a very kind and decent person.

[Bigdaddyt]

My wife went to the grocery store and I have a minute. My wife has been extremely kind and loving to me and she is constantly hugging me and reassurring me how much she loves me. She told me that she is going to make sure that I know how much I am loved.

My Mother facetimed my wife and I this morning and she was hysterical crying and trying to tell me how much she loves me. This is not the norm, I guess my Sister told her and knowing my Sister she wasn't gentle about it. I had asked her not to say anything to anyone about this. I trusted her not to say anything becuase we are close. She is an ER nurse at CHOP so I can't get ahold of her today to ask her. My Mother loves to spread bad news and this would be very tough for me to live with.

I dont know if I should ask my Mother if my Sister gave her this information or just continue to ride this storm out.

[qubist]

My wife went to the grocery store and I have a minute. My wife has been extremely kind and loving to me and she is constantly hugging me and reassurring me how much she loves me. She told me that she is going to make sure that I know how much I am loved.

My Mother facetimed my wife and I this morning and she was hysterical crying and trying to tell me how much she loves me. This is not the norm, I guess my Sister told her and knowing my Sister she wasn't gentle about it. I had asked her not to say anything to anyone about this. I trusted her not to say anything becuase we are close. She is an ER nurse at CHOP so I can't get ahold of her today to ask her. My Mother loves to spread bad news and this would be very tough for me to live with.

I dont know if I should ask my Mother if my Sister gave her this information or just continue to ride this storm out.

 

unless you know for sure she knows do not even talk to her. relax and have fun. as crazy as this may sound your wife is your way out of this mess, she is the most willing to help at this moment

[qubist]

Qubist, You are a very kind and decent person.

 

thanks BDT, you are a good man too and once you pass this ordeal you will be even better

[Bigdaddyt]

unless you know for sure she knows do not even talk to her. relax and have fun. as crazy as this may sound your wife is your way out of this mess, she is the most willing to help at this moment

Qubist, My Wife has really stepped up to the plate on this and if it lasts we will reconcile. I am too hurt to fight everything together. I know in my heart that my Sister went against my wishes and told my Mother ,I just know, my gut tells me.

[m.snow]

don't forget to contact and reassure those who are involved.

 

reassure your mom your getting help via counseling.

 

no need to cause undue stress.

[sandylee1]

I wouldn't tell your wife.

 

She has things to fix for herself and I don't trust her not to use this information to hurt you down the line. Then you'd truly regret telling her and there will be nothing you can do about it.

 

I dont believe she'd keep your confidence on the matter either.

I just don't see her as a safe partner. I'm sorry but a lot of what she's said in the past, makes her sound so entiltled.

 

A lot of her current state is not wanting anyone else to have you and that is driving her crazy. If you hadn't filed, nothing would have changed with her.

 

I'm sorry you went through this and suspected from some of what you said that this was the case. It hasn't defined who you are so far and it doesn't have to in the future. Continue with the therapist, but she can drop asking you to tell your wife. Had your wife been loving , faithful and respectful, then I'd absolutely agree you should tell her - but she's not trustworthy and I wouldn't share such information with someone that I wasn't 100% sure (in as much as their actions showed me) had my back.

 

A big hug to you.

[TX-SC]

I don't completely understand how your past, which you have been aware of the whole time, has facilitated a complete 180 degree change in heart about HER cheating?

[Marc878]

Hmmmmmm. You need to be vigilant. You've been through a lot.

 

Zebras don't change their stripes easily. I suspect she realized what's coming at her and she's trying to keep her lifestyle.

 

Time will tell very quickly on this.

[qubist]

I don't completely understand how your past, which you have been aware of the whole time, has facilitated a complete 180 degree change in heart about HER cheating?

 

Human mind is just amazing, it's obvious the BDT had always loved his, I don't think it's a complete 180 change of heart but more of a strategic change of focus. It will take him time to get over his issues which will be enough time to evaluate her and maybe then he would have a complete change of heart

[S2B]

This info about your Mom not protecting you and making sure you're safe makes sense to me.

 

It's possible your assigned meaning corresponds with your wife - your expectations and views of women. Maybe women aren't expected to be decent; keep you safe 'in your mind'.

 

Why agree to stay with your wife already? She's not fixed herself. She's not done the work necessary to give evidence she's a different person than when she was just a few short weeks ago.

 

 

This is take care of you time.

 

She should be on her own taking care of HER issues. Yet, she hasn't really done anything yet to change - and you're reconciling? What the heck?

 

Two broken people come together to be broken in Union?

 

Why not you fix you. She fixes herself by being on her own for a year or two to do the work she needs to accomplish to be a decent human being.

 

And then see if it might work after you both work through your issues individually. That way you have a chance of a healthy relationship if you both come to the table as healthy and happy adults.

 

 

For now, if you stay, it's out of desperation and shame and clinging to a very shaky and broken foundation... Which is no Bueno.

 

 

She can't help you with your issues. You can't help her with her issues.

 

Staying NOW isn't likely to be for the greater good - just for lack of wanting to grow and learn what healthy looks like.

 

I thought you were doing great given really bad circumstances - but why turn the boat around now when you're just going back to what was crappy?

 

 

And your MOM... That's just dispicable any Mom wouldn't take action to protect her kids and press charges against that scum of the earth. I wouldn't be capable of looking at MOM again or ever speaking to her! There's consequences for bad behavior - and this is as bad as it gets! Your Mom is the one to be ashamed of herself, not you. The fact that you've learned that women are this way - is something you can unlearn if you get help.

 

Your Mom betrayed you. Much like your wife has. Don't tell me either one is acceptable because it's not!

 

 

Stand on principle. Do what's right. Allowing others to treat you badly is a pattern...it's time to break that pattern and do contrary action.

 

These women who betrayed you should be removed from your life so that YOU have some chance of change happening/of happiness!

 

 

Where's the boundary? You keep moving it to allow for more crappy people to seep in. It's time to tight up that line that was drawn and changed.

 

If you don't expect decency from others then nobody is EVER going to give it to you.

Edited October 4, 2015 by S2B

[S2B]

I don't completely understand how your past, which you have been aware of the whole time, has facilitated a complete 180 degree change in heart about HER cheating?

 

It has to do with family of origin, his meaning he assigned to his circumstances as a child and expectations (low) of women.

 

His Mom betrayed him and did not keep him safe. She failed as a parent by not doing what's right.

 

That meaning gets transferred to the women in his life...his wife. So now it's no big deal that she lied, betrayed and harmed him = because that's what he is used to...he learned it to be his 'normal' as a child.

 

 

Same reason abused children pick an abusive spouse - it's normal to them - it is what they know to be familiar.

 

Takes a lot of work to UNlearn that kind of normal - and to learn a new way that works; a healthy way.

 

It is worth it - but you have to sift through so much emotion crap and let it go completely in order to get to a healthy place.

 

Like I said it's worth it.

 

 

My counselor asked me "what do you want from a man?" ... And how can YOU get that FROM YOURSELF? THAT was a HUGE turning point to me becoming happy with myself!

[sandylee1]

Irrelevant.

Edited October 4, 2015 by sandylee1
irrelevant comments

[underpants]

oh hai big daddy, cool story.

 

you might want to check out shrink 4 men. The comments are very reveling.

 

Good luck dude.

[Bigdaddyt]

I wouldn't tell your wife.

 

She has things to fix for herself and I don't trust her not to use this information to hurt you down the line. Then you'd truly regret telling her and there will be nothing you can do about it.

 

I dont believe she'd keep your confidence on the matter either.

I just don't see her as a safe partner. I'm sorry but a lot of what she's said in the past, makes her sound so entiltled.

 

A lot of her current state is not wanting anyone else to have you and that is driving her crazy. If you hadn't filed, nothing would have changed with her.

 

I'm sorry you went through this and suspected from some of what you said that this was the case. It hasn't defined who you are so far and it doesn't have to in the future. Continue with the therapist, but she can drop asking you to tell your wife. Had your wife been loving , faithful and respectful, then I'd absolutely agree you should tell her - but she's not trustworthy and I wouldn't share such information with someone that I wasn't 100% sure (in as much as their actions showed me) had my back.

 

A big hug to you.

 

Sandy lee , I told my wife, I just couldn't keep it inside of me, these events were so upsetting to me that once they came back , it was like it just happened. I did file against my WW and she had her melt down and I have tried to help her get through her breakdown. I believe that if my secret became public it would destroy me. Perhaps in the future I will be strong enough to deal with it but I just can't now.

[Bigdaddyt]

This info about your Mom not protecting you and making sure you're safe makes sense to me.

 

It's possible your assigned meaning corresponds with your wife - your expectations and views of women. Maybe women aren't expected to be decent; keep you safe 'in your mind'.

 

Why agree to stay with your wife already? She's not fixed herself. She's not done the work necessary to give evidence she's a different person than when she was just a few short weeks ago.

 

 

This is take care of you time.

 

She should be on her own taking care of HER issues. Yet, she hasn't really done anything yet to change - and you're reconciling? What the heck?

 

Two broken people come together to be broken in Union?

 

Why not you fix you. She fixes herself by being on her own for a year or two to do the work she needs to accomplish to be a decent human being.

 

And then see if it might work after you both work through your issues individually. That way you have a chance of a healthy relationship if you both come to the table as healthy and happy adults.

 

 

For now, if you stay, it's out of desperation and shame and clinging to a very shaky and broken foundation... Which is no Bueno.

 

 

She can't help you with your issues. You can't help her with her issues.

 

Staying NOW isn't likely to be for the greater good - just for lack of wanting to grow and learn what healthy looks like.

 

I thought you were doing great given really bad circumstances - but why turn the boat around now when you're just going back to what was crappy?

 

 

And your MOM... That's just dispicable any Mom wouldn't take action to protect her kids and press charges against that scum of the earth. I wouldn't be capable of looking at MOM again or ever speaking to her! There's consequences for bad behavior - and this is as bad as it gets! Your Mom is the one to be ashamed of herself, not you. The fact that you've learned that women are this way - is something you can unlearn if you get help.

 

Your Mom betrayed you. Much like your wife has. Don't tell me either one is acceptable because it's not!

 

 

Stand on principle. Do what's right. Allowing others to treat you badly is a pattern...it's time to break that pattern and do contrary action.

 

These women who betrayed you should be removed from your life so that YOU have some chance of change happening/of happiness!

 

 

Where's the boundary? You keep moving it to allow for more crappy people to seep in. It's time to tight up that line that was drawn and changed.

 

If you don't expect decency from others then nobody is EVER going to give it to you.

S2B, I could have saved myself a lot of money and just had you as my counselor. There is no question that the bar for me and my expectations of a woman are pretty low. I have been told that we choose spouses based upon your parents, if you are a man you use your mother as the standard for a spouse. I also know that I am truly broken, I pretended that I wasn't but I just can't pretend anymore. My wife's betrayal absolutely crushed me. I have been with her for half of my life. My boundary now is for me to survive and not disrupt my children or my work.this is now a new event for me and I am treating it as such.

 

I have a great deal of anger towards my mother, but I feel sorry for her at the same time she was a victim as well. If someone would have done this to my children, I would be in jail. I do not respect her and give her very little time. I may see her once a year.

[Bigdaddyt]

oh hai big daddy, cool story.

 

you might want to check out shrink 4 men. The comments are very reveling.

 

Good luck dude.

 

Underpants , there is nothing cool about my story. It is a horrible tragedy that ends with me escaping from my hell, only get pulled back into it. I am broken and upset right now, but I am strong and I am no longer a lost child, I am going to rise above this. I could not speak with a man about this face to face, maybe in the future.

[merrmeade]

Underpants , there is nothing cool about my story. It is a horrible tragedy that ends with me escaping from my hell, only get pulled back into it. I am broken and upset right now, but I am strong and I am no longer a lost child, I am going to rise above this. I could not speak with a man about this face to face, maybe in the future.

Yes, indeed, your ability to open up to others confirms that are strong, BDT. And by sharing this old secret, you have redefined it, thus diminishing its power over you. Eventually you will own it, rather than it (and those responsible) owning you. This kind of vulnerability is a an informed choice to trust others with the truth, and, thus, the antidote to shame.

 

Removing yourself from that lifelong contract to cover up the family secret frees you to tell the story, shifting the power to you. Your courage to divulge weakens them and the secret proportionate to your ability to reveal yourself. It's a stunning paradox that the strength you get - and give others - is because of this growing ability to be vulnerable. But, believe me, it's not new. I think you'll begin to see you've been getting ready for this moment all your life—building character, refining integrity, learning to trust again and select with whom and how to open up.

 

And you just did speak to men about it - maybe not face to face - but I guarantee that your courage has moved and helped many more. Watching you dive straight into the flames of your painful past humbles all who witness and beholdens them to honor and protect such uncommon bravery, maybe even to share their own story.

 

Your strength and courage makes you one among the powerful free of this earth imo, BDT.

[turnera]

good progress, BDT. Just make sure you remember that your wife isn't your protector. Not now. Maybe not ever. Let her be there if,you want, but keep that wall up, cos she may still walk away.

[S2B]

Go by evidence. Evidence of which women you can trust.

 

 

I had to eliminate many people from my life based on their inability and evidence that I couldn't trust them.

 

Eliminating them brought me some peace of mind. I trusted me. Years later I have found some that have earned my trust.

 

Think about it - your wife is sick - she's grabbing onto you. You are sick - you're grabbing onto her. And you two are dragging each other down. Let go man. You need to both be free to address these issues and rise above them. Then see what you've got and where you're at.

 

It's hard when you're all on you're own - much less when another partner is dragging you down further.

 

It's worth the pain of getting to the OTHER side of the fear!

 

Is your counselor a skilled trauma counselor? If not, find a good one.

 

 

You can do this! I know you can.

 

But it will be a bit easier if you can eliminate what's toxic in your past or present. Don't hang on to people that haven't protected you, haven't shown loving behavior.

 

You aren't the one who should feel ashamed: your Mom should feel ashamed, your wife should feel ashamed and the perpetrator should feel ashamed (but he's not here anymore) - (you can write him a letter).

 

Do things to help you gain strength. To gain trusting others. Protect yourself from people who have been toxic to you.

 

It's all about YOURSELF ability to take action...to change things FOR yourself.

 

Big hugs - I admire your strength and courage.

[66Charger]

BDT, I think you should read your thread again from start to finish from a 3rd person point of view. You will see that you are all over the place. Changing decisions, back and forth maybe recon probaly divorce. Some may not agree to Iinclude your wife in your personal recovery, but whats done is done. Its funny how all of a sudden the focus is off her issues and on yours, and by your very own words, if she continues to SUPPORTS YOU, you will reconcile. No mention of her deeds. You just handed her the keys to your life. She is back in charge now, and perhaps thats the way it should be. You are the epitome of codependency, but It is what it is.

 

I read that Nightmare is going thru more shady crap and a divorce is now on. His story was a nightmare and so is yours. Expecting someone to change the core of who they are is delusion. As every peice of this puzzle is being assembled, most see a dangerous road ahead for you, however, you will chose your own path. I will say a true prayer for you brother, and take my leave.

Edited October 4, 2015 by 66Charger

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well.. Maybe as he has unfolded his story.. He has forgotten all the twists and turns and has gotten confused... He is after all traumatized.