Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, I think you should read your thread again from start to finish from a 3rd person point of view. You will see that you are all over the place. Changing decisions, back and forth maybe recon probaly divorce. Some may not agree to Iinclude your wife in your personal recovery, but whats done is done. Its funny how all of a sudden the focus is off her issues and on yours, and by your very own words, if she continues to SUPPORTS YOU, you will reconcile. No mention of her deeds. You just handed her the keys to your life. She is back in charge now, and perhaps thats the way it should be. You are the epitome of codependency, but It is what it is.

 

I read that Nightmare is going thru more shady crap and a divorce is now on. His story was a nightmare and so is yours. Expecting someone to change the core of who they are is delusion. As every peice of this puzzle is being assembled, most see a dangerous road ahead for you, however, you will chose your own path. I will say a true prayer for you brother, and take my leave.

66, I am so F--ked from all of this, I have gone through my life in the third person. There is so much more to my story that I haven't told my therapsit ,wife, or this forum. I am working up the courage to do so. I am emotionally broken, I just didn't realize how bad I was until this week. My mind is all over the board with this and I am trying to minimze and condense this information here.

I am in love with my wife and I miss her terribly, this is a work in progress. I have been brutally honest on this forum, I have given you a snap shot of my soul.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well bigdaddyt.. I am sure we are all waiting for the rest of your story to unfold....

[Bigdaddyt]

Yes, indeed, your ability to open up to others confirms that are strong, BDT. And by sharing this old secret, you have redefined it, thus diminishing its power over you. Eventually you will own it, rather than it (and those responsible) owning you. This kind of vulnerability is a an informed choice to trust others with the truth, and, thus, the antidote to shame.

 

Removing yourself from that lifelong contract to cover up the family secret frees you to tell the story, shifting the power to you. Your courage to divulge weakens them and the secret proportionate to your ability to reveal yourself. It's a stunning paradox that the strength you get - and give others - is because of this growing ability to be vulnerable. But, believe me, it's not new. I think you'll begin to see you've been getting ready for this moment all your life—building character, refining integrity, learning to trust again and select with whom and how to open up.

 

And you just did speak to men about it - maybe not face to face - but I guarantee that your courage has moved and helped many more. Watching you dive straight into the flames of your painful past humbles all who witness and beholdens them to honor and protect such uncommon bravery, maybe even to share their own story.

 

Your strength and courage makes you one among the powerful free of this earth imo, BDT.

Merrmeade, Sharing this about myself is difficult but it has helped me to come to grips with this secret and i hope that it helps someone else in the process. I usually dont share anything with men I look at them as adversaries and am very closed off. I do have men friends but I know them and trust them. I have a very close circle of close friends and adopted family members. People usually love me or hate me there is not many in between.

I have tried to look at some of the web pages for adults that were abused children and I just couldn't read the threads, it made me very emotional. I will get myself together, it will take me alittle time. I came to this forum becuase of my WW infidelity but when the damn broke everything came out. I am trying to keep evrything together for my family. My children have no clue that anything is wrong with me, I have a very hard outside.

[Bigdaddyt]

Go by evidence. Evidence of which women you can trust.

 

 

I had to eliminate many people from my life based on their inability and evidence that I couldn't trust them.

 

Eliminating them brought me some peace of mind. I trusted me. Years later I have found some that have earned my trust.

 

Think about it - your wife is sick - she's grabbing onto you. You are sick - you're grabbing onto her. And you two are dragging each other down. Let go man. You need to both be free to address these issues and rise above them. Then see what you've got and where you're at.

 

 

It's hard when you're all on you're own - much less when another partner is dragging you down further.

 

It's worth the pain of getting to the OTHER side of the fear!

 

Is your counselor a skilled trauma counselor? If not, find a good one.

 

 

You can do this! I know you can.

 

But it will be a bit easier if you can eliminate what's toxic in your past or present. Don't hang on to people that haven't protected you, haven't shown loving behavior.

 

You aren't the one who should feel ashamed: your Mom should feel ashamed, your wife should feel ashamed and the perpetrator should feel ashamed (but he's not here anymore) - (you can write him a letter).

 

Do things to help you gain strength. To gain trusting others. Protect yourself from people who have been toxic to you.

 

It's all about YOURSELF ability to take action...to change things FOR yourself.

 

Big hugs - I admire your strength and courage.

S2B, Thank you for your kindness and strength. I have eliminated alot of the people from my past that have shown me that I cannot trust them. My Mother, I am kind to her and I speak with her maybe once a month and only see her once a year. Right now I need someone to help me get back on my feet with this and I am using my wife, the blind leading the blind . I have buried this in my mind and refused to ever look at it, but it is the gift that keeps giving.

[S2B]

66, I am so F--ked from all of this, I have gone through my life in the third person. There is so much more to my story that I haven't told my therapsit ,wife, or this forum. I am working up the courage to do so. I am emotionally broken, I just didn't realize how bad I was until this week. My mind is all over the board with this and I am trying to minimze and condense this information here.

I am in love with my wife and I miss her terribly, this is a work in progress. I have been brutally honest on this forum, I have given you a snap shot of my soul.

 

How can you be in love with your wife?

 

You MAY be in love with the version who you THOUGHT SHE WAS - but she ISN'T that gal. That is an 'illusion' you must come to grips with. That's denial - denial of the real version of who she is. What she's done...

 

It's time to get HONEST with YOURSELF! Write down what is real and what is imagined (or what you thought it WAS).

 

 

If you aren't planning to get honest with yourself - then you're just wasting your time and energy staying sick deep in your own denial.

 

 

Truth. Truth to YOURSELF is needed - to obtain a new method of operating - instead of working from the one you learned as a child!

 

You can't get your feet planted firmly while you are standing on unstable ground. The unstable ground is your Mom and your wife.

 

 

Have you read the four agreements yet? Please do so ASAP.

[whatatangledweb]

Hopefully the two of you can heal together by helping each other. I am happy to hear that your wife has stepped up to help you. It will help both of you to really understand who each of you are. To see a part of each other that you have never seen before.

 

You have a lot to deal with right now. I believe the one that is most important is your CSA. Your wife not protecting you and keeping you safe is why it woke up what you had buried. It reminded you of your mother not doing it and what had been done to you. I had what I had buried be woken up by my husband cheating. I came close to a nervous breakdown and suicide.I didn't feel safe to revealing what I was feeling. I am glad you can do that with your wife. Lean on her and let her be the strong one until you can again.

 

You can deal with her betrayal later. You are the most important one right now.

[whatatangledweb]

I believe she can be the person she was before. My husband did. In a long good marriage, you don't throw the other person away when they royally screw up and hurt you. Not when your spouse does everything possible to help you heal and make you feel safe again.My husband's cheating was so far from who he is. Who he is isn't an illusion, his affair was. He hurt me but in our 26 years together it is the only time he did and we are years past his affair.

[sandylee1]

Sandy lee , I told my wife, I just couldn't keep it inside of me, these events were so upsetting to me that once they came back , it was like it just happened. I did file against my WW and she had her melt down and I have tried to help her get through her breakdown. I believe that if my secret became public it would destroy me. Perhaps in the future I will be strong enough to deal with it but I just can't now.

 

I realised that after I read your later post. I truly hope that she doesn't tell anyone else about this, but please understand that even if that did happen, you will still get through it. You did NOTHING wrong and you were NOT AT FAULT. Anyone who would try and use your abuse against you, I would see them as a person who has problems within them.

 

This happened......You've come so far......and that damn awful spineless sub human can roll and rot in hell. You are a successful man and more than a million times better than he could ever have been.

 

Don't be afraid to spend time enjoying your own company......you need some space to deal with the resurrection of this.

[Civil]

Your gut is the gut that counts, and it's no surprise that you used it when you hit a point where you truly needed some immediate relief from the spinning. You got that from both wife and sister. You know that the other issues aren't going to magically disappear now, but that doesn't diminish positive, supportive responses from people who know you very well.

 

Don't lose sight of the fact that your sister wholly and immediately validated your past is a very big deal to me. Your privacy is precious and she should have respected it. You sure didn't need the added stress right now. But is it possible that her own memories and her feelings for you had her in such distress that she couldn't suppress the need to confront your mother? You're the only one who can judge. I sure can't bc our experiences were different. Sibs couldn't deny the facts of events, but when it came to coping with the effects, denial was deep and we were on our own.

 

I read something about your direction changing as you work through all this. It kind of has to. You've survived a pile and none of it was ever going to be clear, concise or simple. It took me an age to understand why I was hit on so many different fronts, but there is a known pattern. Extreme personalities (your father/my mother) create chaos and demand all available resources. Just coping with them drains the family's attention and emotional strength. And the vacuum that leaves facilitates additional abuse (your stepfather/my cousin).

 

Disorders and injuries like those your wife has/may have, aren't straight shots, either. Once detected, diagnosis and treatment may require periods of observation, trial and error and repeated revisions. A blood test, a scan and a single, universally accepted course of treatment would be swell, but sadly, a personality is not a gall bladder. (purely anecdotal: we have neighbors, father and three grown kids, all bipolar, all doing okay, four completely different therapies)

 

Hope you do soon reach a good working relationship with a solid therapist. They've seen all of this and have a real toolbox. Meanwhile, all the best: kids, dog, success...

[turnera]

Who cares if she tells anyone else? It's like talking about how you trashed your bike when you were a kid and became paralyzed for a year. Nobody would even think of thinking less of you for what happened, but they WILL feel bad for you and hope the best for you.

 

And the sooner you can come to acknowledge it, the sooner you'll become healthier.

 

Don't worry about being all over the place. You've spent 30-40 years 'controlling' your life, a tightly wound spool. Now you're on a different path, and it will take a long time to get to a place where you feel...good again. But not feeling good is ok. It's how you look inside and assess yourself and find things to do better to make your life even more enjoyable.

 

IMO, anyone who isn't paying attention to themselves and what they could do better, is missing out on a big piece of life. So cheers, BDT.

[S2B]

I've been thinking about this all day and have a question I want to ask:

 

Given that your wife blatantly disrespected, betrayed you and mocked you to her friends - what makes you think she can 'help you'?

[Bigdaddyt]

How can you be in love with your wife?

 

You MAY be in love with the version who you THOUGHT SHE WAS - but she ISN'T that gal. That is an 'illusion' you must come to grips with. That's denial - denial of the real version of who she is. What she's done...

 

It's time to get HONEST with YOURSELF! Write down what is real and what is imagined (or what you thought it WAS).

 

 

If you aren't planning to get honest with yourself - then you're just wasting your time and energy staying sick deep in your own denial.

 

 

Truth. Truth to YOURSELF is needed - to obtain a new method of operating - instead of working from the one you learned as a child!

 

You can't get your feet planted firmly while you are standing on unstable ground. The unstable ground is your Mom and your wife.

 

 

Have you read the four agreements yet? Please do so ASAP.

S2B, Ouch! I know that I craved to be loved and protected emotionally and that my wife has failed, I loved who she was in the past, maybe I was always blind but I did truly believe that we were in love. I will order the book today.

[Bigdaddyt]

Hopefully the two of you can heal together by helping each other. I am happy to hear that your wife has stepped up to help you. It will help both of you to really understand who each of you are. To see a part of each other that you have never seen before.

 

You have a lot to deal with right now. I believe the one that is most important is your CSA. Your wife not protecting you and keeping you safe is why it woke up what you had buried. It reminded you of your mother not doing it and what had been done to you. I had what I had buried be woken up by my husband cheating. I came close to a nervous breakdown and suicide.I didn't feel safe to revealing what I was feeling. I am glad you can do that with your wife. Lean on her and let her be the strong one until you can again.

 

You can deal with her betrayal later. You are the most important one right now.

What, I know that this is the truth and I know I have come across as wishy washy by going back and forth on this, it is so hard for me to let go of her, I am almost panicking form just the thought. Last night I woke up soaked in sweat having a panic attack, that has never happened to me before. I need to make my own security to move forward. I am going to fix me and look after my babies, I will work on us at a later time.

[Bigdaddyt]

Your gut is the gut that counts, and it's no surprise that you used it when you hit a point where you truly needed some immediate relief from the spinning. You got that from both wife and sister. You know that the other issues aren't going to magically disappear now, but that doesn't diminish positive, supportive responses from people who know you very well.

 

Don't lose sight of the fact that your sister wholly and immediately validated your past is a very big deal to me. Your privacy is precious and she should have respected it. You sure didn't need the added stress right now. But is it possible that her own memories and her feelings for you had her in such distress that she couldn't suppress the need to confront your mother? You're the only one who can judge. I sure can't bc our experiences were different. Sibs couldn't deny the facts of events, but when it came to coping with the effects, denial was deep and we were on our own.

 

I read something about your direction changing as you work through all this. It kind of has to. You've survived a pile and none of it was ever going to be clear, concise or simple. It took me an age to understand why I was hit on so many different fronts, but there is a known pattern. Extreme personalities (your father/my mother) create chaos and demand all available resources. Just coping with them drains the family's attention and emotional strength. And the vacuum that leaves facilitates additional abuse (your stepfather/my cousin).

 

Disorders and injuries like those your wife has/may have, aren't straight shots, either. Once detected, diagnosis and treatment may require periods of observation, trial and error and repeated revisions. A blood test, a scan and a single, universally accepted course of treatment would be swell, but sadly, a personality is not a gall bladder. (purely anecdotal: we have neighbors, father and three grown kids, all bipolar, all doing okay, four completely different therapies)

 

Hope you do soon reach a good working relationship with a solid therapist. They've seen all of this and have a real toolbox. Meanwhile, all the best: kids, dog, success...

Civil, I know that becuase this mess came up all my problems in my marriage arenot going to disapear, they will probably get worse at some point. My sister telling my Mother ( I dont know that she did this for sure) was her response to all of her pain and torment from the past. Like you I am a survivor if I were a cat I would be into the negatives on my nine lives.

[qubist]

I've been thinking about this all day and have a question I want to ask:

 

Given that your wife blatantly disrespected, betrayed you and mocked you to her friends - what makes you think she can 'help you'?

I don't think bringing this topic back at this moment is going to help BDT. First of all generalizing judgement on behavior is not always the right way to to look at thinks, the fact that she treated him the way she did doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care about him, she had her own issues that resulted in that behavior, as a matter of fact BDT had indicated many times in here that she is normally a caring person. Secondly, the main purpose of confession is to get the heavy burden off his shoulder, he psyched himself into withholding his past from the closest people in his life,in his mind that past was a huge shame which he chose to avoid. Hiding the truth has had a toll on him and in addition to what had happened between him and his wife it's just became unbearable. the most affective way to face his fears is actually to do the opposit thing which is confessing to the people he feared the most that they would know. Once he do that he would realize that there was nothing for him to ashamed for.

Telling his wife IMHO was the right decision at this moment.

[turnera]

I agree. Tackle the marriage issue later. There IS no marriage (or not) if YOU aren't in form.

 

I do have a suggestion, though. I know you say your work falls apart if you aren't there. But you aren't really doing it any justice anyway, are you? My suggestion is to take a short-notice vacation for a week and check yourself into a facility that deals with trauma for a week. You take vacations, don't you? Your job survives without you while you're on vacation, doesn't it? Then take ONE week of vacation - for YOU. You deserve it.

 

Go in, stop worrying about what's going on in the outside world, CALM DOWN, let them HELP you calm down, let them help you work through the crisis and give you tools to deal with it moving on. If you had pneumonia, you'd be doing the same thing. Mental stress is NO different from physical stress - your body has to be treated and it has to heal.

 

If you're having this visceral a reaction, you need more help than just seeing a therapist once a week.

 

And if nothing else, you should be seeing your therapist every day for a week straight to take you down off this ledge.

[Bigdaddyt]

Who cares if she tells anyone else? It's like talking about how you trashed your bike when you were a kid and became paralyzed for a year. Nobody would even think of thinking less of you for what happened, but they WILL feel bad for you and hope the best for you.

 

And the sooner you can come to acknowledge it, the sooner you'll become healthier.

 

Don't worry about being all over the place. You've spent 30-40 years 'controlling' your life, a tightly wound spool. Now you're on a different path, and it will take a long time to get to a place where you feel...good again. But not feeling good is ok. It's how you look inside and assess yourself and find things to do better to make your life even more enjoyable.

 

IMO, anyone who isn't paying attention to themselves and what they could do better, is missing out on a big piece of life. So cheers, BDT.

Turnera, I am all over the place and I know it my head is spinning and I have to function in the real world at the same time. It is difficult fot once I am not in complete control of my life and I cannot pretend it away. I can speak in front of large groups with not outward appearance of fear, I have learned to be a tremendous actor in life.

[Bigdaddyt]

I've been thinking about this all day and have a question I want to ask:

 

Given that your wife blatantly disrespected, betrayed you and mocked you to her friends - what makes you think she can 'help you'

 

S2B, To answer your question right now she is all that I got. I do not know if we will ever truly reconcile from her infidelity. I know that others here have been severely wounded by betrayal and survived but it struck me extremely hard because of my past and my trust issues. My Wife had to completely fail (served with divorce papers) before she even tried to make this up to me and show me any remorse. I was angry with her when my past abuse came back to me and I blamed her for causing it to come back up, but I know that she isn’t at fault for this. My past has caused me to make so many errors in judgement with my life and in my marriage.

 

I think that my secret is so bad that if she can love me after this has come to light; I at least need to make an effort to fix us and attempt reconciliation. Perhaps my relationship with my wife is toxic, but I do know people and I know that she does truly love me. I think that her badmouthing me is just her being angry with me and just talk. I also know that weare both severely damaged people and a joint recovery is probably not possible

 

My relationship with my Mother is extremely toxic, she has tried to make up for the past but my brothers, sisters, and I are too damaged to everallow her to ever come back into our lives completely. I have gone three years without speaking to her before and only my guilt lets her back into my life inany fashion. She has turned her life around and joined a church and has becomevery active in it. My biggest issue with her is that she has never come to meor my siblings and taken responsibility for this past and I do hold heraccountable for it

 

I said that there is more to this story, but I just don’t haveit in me to tell this forum or my wife and will keep it to myself, I don’t seewhere it will help me to tell more of my past. I will tell my counselor during my next session,my counselor said that she suspected my past based upon my behavior, which is probably not a good thing

 

My focus will stay on making myself better and protecting my children and making sure that they know how important they are to me and letting them know that they are loved and safe. My life’s work is to break this cycle and raise healthy happy children that become productive adults. So far it is working for me; my children are physically beautiful, kind and successful. I am truly blessed to have them and I thank God daily for this gift

[Bigdaddyt]

Turnera and Qubist, I am separating the marriage and the abuse issues. I am going to work on me and dealing with this, my counselor said that she would recommend an in treatment facility, but I do not want to be consider a mental patient. I am severely damaged but not to the point where I cannot function in society. I am at work today and did a presentation in front of my peers, they are none the wiser to my inner turmoil.

[Bigdaddyt]

I don't think bringing this topic back at this moment is going to help BDT. First of all generalizing judgement on behavior is not always the right way to to look at thinks, the fact that she treated him the way she did doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care about him, she had her own issues that resulted in that behavior, as a matter of fact BDT had indicated many times in here that she is normally a caring person. Secondly, the main purpose of confession is to get the heavy burden off his shoulder, he psyched himself into withholding his past from the closest people in his life,in his mind that past was a huge shame which he chose to avoid. Hiding the truth has had a toll on him and in addition to what had happened between him and his wife it's just became unbearable. the most affective way to face his fears is actually to do the opposit thing which is confessing to the people he feared the most that they would know. Once he do that he would realize that there was nothing for him to ashamed for.

Telling his wife IMHO was the right decision at this moment.

My Wife has been extremely kind and loving to me this weekend, she held me and told me that it is okay to mourn the past, but that at some point I will have to let it go. She said that she hates to see me like this and feels partly responsible for it.

[turnera]

OMG, inpatient facilities are NOT for horrible people, they are for REAL people who are going through a trying time in their life.

 

Now, of course there are places where mentally unstable people go for years or their whole life, but the places your therapist and I are talking about are NOTHING like that. They are just a hospital that happens to have psychologists instead of physicians, to treat a different issue.

 

I know how hard it is for you to consider that. But remember that NOBODY would ever know you went there except maybe your wife (as contact person). Like I said, you could just be going on vacation.

 

Anyway, if things get too rough, keep it in the back of your mind as an option. Nobody will know, and even if they did, they'd probably just think you were being strong and taking care of yourself, maybe because you were overstressed at work or, if they know of your wife, because of her.

 

People don't think 'crazy person!' any more. That stopped a good 40 years ago. My DD25 is getting a PhD in Psychology; trust me, I know all about it.

[turnera]

My Wife has been extremely kind and loving to me this weekend, she held me and told me that it is okay to mourn the past, but that at some point I will have to let it go. She said that she hates to see me like this and feels partly responsible for it.

 

Good.

 

She should.

 

And you need to be able to TELL her that.

[World's.Edge]

What, I know that this is the truth and I know I have come across as wishy washy by going back and forth on this, it is so hard for me to let go of her, I am almost panicking form just the thought. Last night I woke up soaked in sweat having a panic attack, that has never happened to me before. I need to make my own security to move forward. I am going to fix me and look after my babies, I will work on us at a later time.

Totally normal, be patient with yourself;).

[Bigdaddyt]

All: This forum has helped me in so many ways and I am trulyThankful for everyone’s input and support. I am going to continue to put myself back together and take care of what is truly more important than me, mychildren. My Wife’s infidelity crushed me and brought back my dark past. Thispast I hid from everyone including myself. I guess you really can’t get away from your past, but I am going to learn to make peace with it and move forwardwith my life. I will not let my abuser take my future and keep me his slave. Iam no longer a broken child and I will say this to myself every day until I don’tneed to say it again.

 

I am working with a counselor who is tough and she will notlet me get away with anything, I guess this is what I need. She says what ever comes to her mind which I do respect, I don’t always want to hear what shetells me, but I do listen to her. My wife is going with me today for a joint counselling session. I am nervous as to what is going to come out and I hatenot being in control.

 

I am going to fix myself to whatever extent that this is possible and I will deal with my Wife infidelity at a later time. I want usback, but I am not in a position to get us there and we may never really beable to piece us back together. I know that the right thing for me to do is toDivorce and stay single for several years, but I cannot do this

 

Child abuse is about power and control; my abuser used a number of tools to break me over the years: verbal abuse, physical abuse,humiliation, and neglect to achieve the desired results. It will take me sometime to undo this damage and I know that I will never undo it completely. I can pick out a pedophile instantly when Isee one, I just know. When I do come across them and our eyes meet they knowand are afraid (I can be very scary). Exposureis their greatest fear and they hide in plain sight

 

One of my favoritequotes is from Frederick Douglas: “It is easier to build strong children thanto repair broken men.” I like to think of myself as just a little bent, notbroken. I am going to close this thread today, if anyone wants to close it out with a comment I will read them before I go. I will come back in several months to update my progress with a new thread. I will check my PM’s from time to time if any of my friends here want an update, but I have to listen to my counselor who doesn’t want me on here anymore. She says that I need to give everything to her and that I am not in a position to be given any advice that is contrary to my healing process. Thank you again for everything. BDT

Edited October 5, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[qubist]

BDT: thank you for sharing your story here, I'm sure it will serve someone good. I wish you all the good luck. I understand why your counselor suggested you stop coming here, therapy is a defined process is a designed path and can't be disturbed. I would suggest that you would stay with us here believe it or not you have accumulated lot of knowledge that can help others.

You will be OK, I know that