Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

I've been thinking about this all day and have a question I want to ask:

 

Given that your wife blatantly disrespected, betrayed you and mocked you to her friends - what makes you think she can 'help you'

 

S2B, To answer your question right now she is all that I got. I do not know if we will ever truly reconcile from her infidelity. I know that others here have been severely wounded by betrayal and survived but it struck me extremely hard because of my past and my trust issues. My Wife had to completely fail (served with divorce papers) before she even tried to make this up to me and show me any remorse. I was angry with her when my past abuse came back to me and I blamed her for causing it to come back up, but I know that she isn’t at fault for this. My past has caused me to make so many errors in judgement with my life and in my marriage.

 

I think that my secret is so bad that if she can love me after this has come to light; I at least need to make an effort to fix us and attempt reconciliation. Perhaps my relationship with my wife is toxic, but I do know people and I know that she does truly love me. I think that her badmouthing me is just her being angry with me and just talk. I also know that weare both severely damaged people and a joint recovery is probably not possible

 

My relationship with my Mother is extremely toxic, she has tried to make up for the past but my brothers, sisters, and I are too damaged to everallow her to ever come back into our lives completely. I have gone three years without speaking to her before and only my guilt lets her back into my life inany fashion. She has turned her life around and joined a church and has becomevery active in it. My biggest issue with her is that she has never come to meor my siblings and taken responsibility for this past and I do hold heraccountable for it

 

I said that there is more to this story, but I just don’t haveit in me to tell this forum or my wife and will keep it to myself, I don’t seewhere it will help me to tell more of my past. I will tell my counselor during my next session,my counselor said that she suspected my past based upon my behavior, which is probably not a good thing

 

My focus will stay on making myself better and protecting my children and making sure that they know how important they are to me and letting them know that they are loved and safe. My life’s work is to break this cycle and raise healthy happy children that become productive adults. So far it is working for me; my children are physically beautiful, kind and successful. I am truly blessed to have them and I thank God daily for this gift

[Bigdaddyt]

Turnera and Qubist, I am separating the marriage and the abuse issues. I am going to work on me and dealing with this, my counselor said that she would recommend an in treatment facility, but I do not want to be consider a mental patient. I am severely damaged but not to the point where I cannot function in society. I am at work today and did a presentation in front of my peers, they are none the wiser to my inner turmoil.

[Bigdaddyt]

I don't think bringing this topic back at this moment is going to help BDT. First of all generalizing judgement on behavior is not always the right way to to look at thinks, the fact that she treated him the way she did doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care about him, she had her own issues that resulted in that behavior, as a matter of fact BDT had indicated many times in here that she is normally a caring person. Secondly, the main purpose of confession is to get the heavy burden off his shoulder, he psyched himself into withholding his past from the closest people in his life,in his mind that past was a huge shame which he chose to avoid. Hiding the truth has had a toll on him and in addition to what had happened between him and his wife it's just became unbearable. the most affective way to face his fears is actually to do the opposit thing which is confessing to the people he feared the most that they would know. Once he do that he would realize that there was nothing for him to ashamed for.

Telling his wife IMHO was the right decision at this moment.

My Wife has been extremely kind and loving to me this weekend, she held me and told me that it is okay to mourn the past, but that at some point I will have to let it go. She said that she hates to see me like this and feels partly responsible for it.

[turnera]

OMG, inpatient facilities are NOT for horrible people, they are for REAL people who are going through a trying time in their life.

 

Now, of course there are places where mentally unstable people go for years or their whole life, but the places your therapist and I are talking about are NOTHING like that. They are just a hospital that happens to have psychologists instead of physicians, to treat a different issue.

 

I know how hard it is for you to consider that. But remember that NOBODY would ever know you went there except maybe your wife (as contact person). Like I said, you could just be going on vacation.

 

Anyway, if things get too rough, keep it in the back of your mind as an option. Nobody will know, and even if they did, they'd probably just think you were being strong and taking care of yourself, maybe because you were overstressed at work or, if they know of your wife, because of her.

 

People don't think 'crazy person!' any more. That stopped a good 40 years ago. My DD25 is getting a PhD in Psychology; trust me, I know all about it.

[turnera]

My Wife has been extremely kind and loving to me this weekend, she held me and told me that it is okay to mourn the past, but that at some point I will have to let it go. She said that she hates to see me like this and feels partly responsible for it.

 

Good.

 

She should.

 

And you need to be able to TELL her that.

[World's.Edge]

What, I know that this is the truth and I know I have come across as wishy washy by going back and forth on this, it is so hard for me to let go of her, I am almost panicking form just the thought. Last night I woke up soaked in sweat having a panic attack, that has never happened to me before. I need to make my own security to move forward. I am going to fix me and look after my babies, I will work on us at a later time.

Totally normal, be patient with yourself;).

[Bigdaddyt]

All: This forum has helped me in so many ways and I am trulyThankful for everyone’s input and support. I am going to continue to put myself back together and take care of what is truly more important than me, mychildren. My Wife’s infidelity crushed me and brought back my dark past. Thispast I hid from everyone including myself. I guess you really can’t get away from your past, but I am going to learn to make peace with it and move forwardwith my life. I will not let my abuser take my future and keep me his slave. Iam no longer a broken child and I will say this to myself every day until I don’tneed to say it again.

 

I am working with a counselor who is tough and she will notlet me get away with anything, I guess this is what I need. She says what ever comes to her mind which I do respect, I don’t always want to hear what shetells me, but I do listen to her. My wife is going with me today for a joint counselling session. I am nervous as to what is going to come out and I hatenot being in control.

 

I am going to fix myself to whatever extent that this is possible and I will deal with my Wife infidelity at a later time. I want usback, but I am not in a position to get us there and we may never really beable to piece us back together. I know that the right thing for me to do is toDivorce and stay single for several years, but I cannot do this

 

Child abuse is about power and control; my abuser used a number of tools to break me over the years: verbal abuse, physical abuse,humiliation, and neglect to achieve the desired results. It will take me sometime to undo this damage and I know that I will never undo it completely. I can pick out a pedophile instantly when Isee one, I just know. When I do come across them and our eyes meet they knowand are afraid (I can be very scary). Exposureis their greatest fear and they hide in plain sight

 

One of my favoritequotes is from Frederick Douglas: “It is easier to build strong children thanto repair broken men.” I like to think of myself as just a little bent, notbroken. I am going to close this thread today, if anyone wants to close it out with a comment I will read them before I go. I will come back in several months to update my progress with a new thread. I will check my PM’s from time to time if any of my friends here want an update, but I have to listen to my counselor who doesn’t want me on here anymore. She says that I need to give everything to her and that I am not in a position to be given any advice that is contrary to my healing process. Thank you again for everything. BDT

Edited October 5, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[qubist]

BDT: thank you for sharing your story here, I'm sure it will serve someone good. I wish you all the good luck. I understand why your counselor suggested you stop coming here, therapy is a defined process is a designed path and can't be disturbed. I would suggest that you would stay with us here believe it or not you have accumulated lot of knowledge that can help others.

You will be OK, I know that

[aliveagain]

I wish you both success no matter how that looks. Continue to be the best dad for your children, keep them safe as they are the innocent ones. I send you a big man hug and pray that all will be well for you and your family. <<<Bigdaddyt>>>

[turnera]

Good luck. I'm sure you'll do fine. May I suggest you just lock it and don't delete it, so that when you come back, all the people who care about you will be able to see your update?

[TX-SC]

Good luck BDT! Just make sure your wife's issues are fixed or you WILL be here again.

[William]

Folks, the thread starter requested that moderation close this thread and we have granted that request. Thank you all for your participation and assistance.

 

Edited 11/5/2015 to re-open thread per thread starter request.

Edited November 5, 2015 by William

[Bigdaddyt]

All: Ithas been a month since I posted and I thought that I would update my story formy friends that were following and supporting me through this.

 

Past: When I last posted on this thread I was at alow point of my life and in a very bad place emotionally. I had realized thatmy wife of over twenty years had cheated on me with several partners. Idiscovered this several years prior and was getting ready to confront her aboutit then, when she was involved in a serious car accident and I had to place theconfrontation on hold. I spent the next couple of years caring for my wife andour three children. It was also during this time that my now adult brother whowas given up for adoption found me via a private investigator and added a greatdeal of drama (stress) into my life (he is very needy emotionally).

 

My wife wasn’t remorseful when I confronted her over the endof this past summer and didn’t show any remorse until I exposed her to all ofour family and friends and I had her served with divorce papers. After she wasserved and I moved out of the marital house she had an emotional breakdown andstarted to beg for a second chance to save our marriage. Her breakdown wassevere and I was truly concerned for her and our children and I moved back intoour house for our children and moved her out to her parent’s house. I latertook her back into our house and made sure she was getting treatment for herBPD. I still am not certain if this is an accurate diagnosis from this PDOC.

 

The stress from all of this was too much for me and Icracked and my past CSA came back and I started to fail. I always knew that Iwas an extremely abused as a child, so it wasn’t a truly repressed or hiddenmemory. I choose to never admit to or look at my past and when I was askedabout my past I would either lie or change the subject, I didn’t realize thatit was still a major problem for me. I had never gone through any kind ofcounselling for this, which was a huge mistake.

 

Present: Ihave been in therapy for my PTSD and my past CSA. Therapy truly sucks!!!!!!! Iam on my second therapist. The first one said something that upset me and Ileft her and went to my current one, who is an older man. Therapy had me retellmy story in as much detail as possible, but I was missing years and gradeswhere I couldn’t remember anything. My Therapist would take me from that pointto the present and then go back and have me retell my story from where I leftoff and I was able to fill in more of the blanks, he has written a lot ofnotes, kind of made me nervous, self-conscious in that he goes back to hisnotes and actually know the story.

These therapy sessions were and are horrible and I foundmyself traumatized all over again and I had to take a week off of work due tomy emotional state. I found myself pulling the fabric on the armchair andalmost panicking as I talked about the past. T asked me to go into great detailabout the sexual abuse and my abusers. This went on for two weeks to the pointthat I told my therapist that I just can’t relive this anymore it is toohorrible to remember. He said that we need to get this out and the reason thatit is so traumatic is that you are reliving this through the eyes of a childand you are no longer a child. You are now a man. He continued that no one canhurt you any longer and you have to understand this if you are to put this intoyour past.

 

This was kind of anepiphany for me and helped me come to grips with my past. It just made sense tome. I am now at the point where I can talk about my past without panicking orgetting upset. I still am hyper vigilant and I still trigger, but I am gettingmuch better. I have learned to just say to people when they ask about mychildhood that “I had a bit of a roughchildhood, but I have gotten through it” That hopefully will be enough toget them to drop it. If not I will tell them I don’t want to talk about it. Ihave also started posting on another website for CSA survivors which has helpedme tremendously talk to people who have been through this and listen to eachother’s daily struggles in dealing with this trauma.

 

My T wants me to cut my Mother out of my life altogether;because she did nothing to protect me as a child and she is a constant triggerfor me in remembering her failure as a mother. I am working on this, I do notknow if I can just let her die on the vine. I am a very dutiful son, but I haveno respect or affection towards her. I hate to talk to her and I avoid her andusually pass her off to my wife on the phone. Wife covers for me.

 

I told my T that I am truly surprised that I am as normaland high functioning as I am in adult life. I don’t have any psychoses. Youwould have thought that I would have become a serial killer based on my past.He said that isn’t how it works.

 

Reconciliation: My wife and I are still together and we areattempting to reconcile (I know that Iam stupid and should have my head examined, oh wait I am already doing that,okay I’m just stupid). I don’t know if we will be successful but we aremaking a go of it. We are both love and are committed to each other and want tobe together. We have been together a very long time. She has given me all ofher passwords to all email accounts and to her cell phone. All of her toxicfriends have been cut off and she is in NC with them and her AP. I still use aVAR occasionally to verify her activity and regain my trust in her. She hasasked me to stop using my personal trainer because she sees her as a threat;which I reluctantly did. Wife always thought that my trainer was my plan B ifwe didn’t work out.

 

She has been incredibly supportive to me during this timeand will change the TV channel if it has anything to do with infidelity orchild abuse. She will also advise the children to give me space when I amhaving a bad moment. She is constantly affectionate and reassuring to me.

 

I said in my earlier posts that I take 70% for thedestruction of our marriage. I would shut down emotionally whenever we arguedabout anything and I would become very emotionally unavailable. My T said thatthis is a learned response to my past abuse. I have also been prone to fits ofrage and can become very aggressive if confronted or if I feel threatened, Inever got physical or aggressive my wife or kids.

 

I was a nice guy, butI have read both No More Mr. Nice Guy and MMSLP, more than once. I am still inrecovery. I am now very vocal about everything and she will tell me when I gettoo far out (distant) there or feel sorry for myself and I will tell her whenshe is being a Bit_h. A match made in heaven. Overall things are going well for us, we are taking thingsone day at a time and spending quality time with each other and are going outon a date night at least once a week. I like the HB. I do get very angry if Ithink about her cheating, but she seems to sense this and we talk through it.Our children are very happy we are together and I am spending more time awayfrom work and at home with my family.

 

Karma Bus:I spoke with Jack today and he said that he just took Jill back to court andwas awarded full custody of his children and Jill only is allowed to havesupervised visitation due to her DUIs and a recent drug possession conviction.She was also charged with domestic violence for attacking Jack in his housebecause he would not let her take the children out for visitation; because shewas intoxicated and had to call the police, who arrested her. That is truly ashame she went from being a happily married mother of two and a high paidpharmaceutical sales rep to this. This news really shocked my FWW; I think sheis thinking OMG that by the grace of God could have been me!

 

Thanks for listening BDT

Edited November 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting/paragraphs ~6

[GorillaTheater]

I'm very glad to see you back, BDT, and very glad to see you actively working on the demons from your past.

[turnera]

Aww, I am SO happy for you! Thank you for letting us know.

[qubist]

BigdaddyT: no need to tell you how happy i am to hear that you are doing great. I confess that I had tears on my eye reading your post ( no one knows me here so i can confess) :lmao:

[SummerDreams]

That's a great story and may it be an inspiration for people who are scared to take action and deal with their fears and demons. So happy to see you happy and working on things. I hope you solve your emotional issues the soonest possible. Keep posting for updates please. ?

[Bigdaddyt]

I'm very glad to see you back, BDT, and very glad to see you actively working on the demons from your past.

 

Gorilla Theater, Thanks for your support, I am finally facing my demons and I know that it will benefit not only myself but my Wife and children. I posted on my other CSA thread that I used to always look for the bad in things and I always found it. I now look for the good in everything and I am now starting to find it. I always hoped to put this past behind me, but hope with no action leads me to stay where I always was, emotionally broken and cut off. Now my hope has action and things are getting better. BDT

[Bigdaddyt]

BigdaddyT: no need to tell you how happy i am to hear that you are doing great. I confess that I had tears on my eye reading your post ( no one knows me here so i can confess) :lmao:

 

Qubist my friend Thank you for your support and PM over this past month. Trust me I shed a lot of tears over this too,but I am at a much better place now.

[Bigdaddyt]

That's a great story and may it be an inspiration for people who are scared to take action and deal with their fears and demons. So happy to see you happy and working on things. I hope you solve your emotional issues the soonest possible. Keep posting for updates please. ?

 

Summer's Dreams, I was terrified to face my past or my Wife's infidelity because I feared that any action I took would be wrong and lead to the situation being worse. I am working through this with my Wife.

[sandylee1]

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. You've been through so much in your life and your strength is admirable.

 

Forwards ever...backwards never.

[CarrieT]

So glad to hear you are doing better.

 

I was also a victim of child abuse and - like you - have several "blank" years. I have had some therapists who really wanted to bring those memories out to deal with them, but since I function well with the knowledge they are there, I haven't felt too compelled to dig up "whatever happened."

 

Keep up the good work!

[drifter777]

Get rid of your therapist if he/she is actually telling you to get your mother out of your life because "she didn't protect you". No accredited, licensed therapist would ever suggest such a thing - not ever. Never.

[Bigdaddyt]

Get rid of your therapist if he/she is actually telling you to get your mother out of your life because "she didn't protect you". No accredited, licensed therapist would ever suggest such a thing - not ever. Never.

 

Drifter, My T knows my full story and he based his comments on my Mother knowing about my abuse by my Stepfather and her not doing anything to stop him.

Edited November 6, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[OldRover]

Bigdaddyt,

 

Great to hear back from you again, and you new path and success sounds GREAT! Good luck to you, and good work.

 

You have a great start for a great future.

 

There will still be issues, as you know, and your POSITIVE attitude looking for the good will get you and her through this. Stay positive, stay focused and be SURE that you do positive things for the loved ones in your life. Makes a HUGE difference.

 

I've gone through something similar, with similar problems, but no kids. And I'm back with the wife and we spend a LOT of quality time together..... I mean time just for our selves, with no interruptions. I read good things, ideas and ways to keep us together to her. She has taken a positive role in making me happy, and I LOVE to reciprocate. And it's working. Hope same success to you.

 

One thing I did.... I've committed to her 110%, with no holds barred. NOTHING is hidden, or behind her back or done to hurt or tear her down. Only positives. I've opened up EVERYTHING to her, and she has to me. While early on, it takes time to rebuild trust and get comfy with each other, when people bend over backwards to make it work, it can work great. We have both sacrificed to make the other happy, and that's a HUGE thing.

 

Sounds really good. Keep us posted.