Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[qubist]

I kind of agree with this. As much as your wife sees your PT as a threat - you know you've always been faithful. That's all that should have mattered......unless you felt you might stray with her.

 

It's still your wife controlling elements of your life.

I disagree, Reconciling is about rebuilding trust not digging old mistrust. they are both still vulnerable and should stay away from all potential "threat".

it's not necessarily control, she is just insecure and she has always been. it is OK if he gives her little help by this comprise especially that the PT had shown interest in him before.

[Bigdaddyt]

Bigdaddyt,

 

Great to hear back from you again, and you new path and success sounds GREAT! Good luck to you, and good work.

 

You have a great start for a great future.

 

There will still be issues, as you know, and your POSITIVE attitude looking for the good will get you and her through this. Stay positive, stay focused and be SURE that you do positive things for the loved ones in your life. Makes a HUGE difference.

 

I've gone through something similar, with similar problems, but no kids. And I'm back with the wife and we spend a LOT of quality time together..... I mean time just for our selves, with no interruptions. I read good things, ideas and ways to keep us together to her. She has taken a positive role in making me happy, and I LOVE to reciprocate. And it's working. Hope same success to you.

 

One thing I did.... I've committed to her 110%, with no holds barred. NOTHING is hidden, or behind her back or done to hurt or tear her down. Only positives. I've opened up EVERYTHING to her, and she has to me. While early on, it takes time to rebuild trust and get comfy with each other, when people bend over backwards to make it work, it can work great. We have both sacrificed to make the other happy, and that's a HUGE thing.

 

Sounds really good. Keep us posted.

Old Rover, What a positive post! I am so glad that things are going well for you and your Wife. I am also committing to my Wife 110% no holds barred. You cannot go through life being afraid to stumble!!! Thanks for your PMs and support!

[Bigdaddyt]

Big Daddy T, thank you so much for taking the time to share so much of your life with us. It's really gratifying and kind of amazing to see something like this and realize how deeply and genuinely people connect and help each other on this forum. You really, really got it, used the advice and support well.

 

My appreciation to qubist, too, for supporting you through the pms.

 

You've been through so much in this life and especially in the past few years. The epiphany you reported is what I've always felt therapy should be about because the end result will be your discovery of your own core strength. Not only are you able to leave the abuse with the child you were (and grieve, I'm sure), but I hope your T has helped you see that the strength, goodness and humanity to prevail is still with you. That means YOU were the reason that you not only survived, but now can thrive, love fully and share with the world the wonderful human being you are. We're lucky you've let us witness a small part.

merrmeade, Thank You for your kind response, I probably shared too much about myself on my posts, I am normally a brutally honest person,as long as it doesn't bring up my past. So much so that people either love me or they hate me, very few in between.

T for me has been a Gods send in that I am now being brutally honest with myself and having to deal with my issues. I am working hard to fix what was broken not just with myself but in my marriage. I know that it will not be easy but I am willing to give it all that I have.

[Bigdaddyt]

Taking your wife back and attempting to reconcile is a mistake..

 

To have the nerve to ask you to dump your PT just shows that she will never change. She had a big nervous breakdown and made you go back to the protective mode and now has wormed back into your life.

 

Didn't she go to Las Vegas trolling for some guy after the D-day ? Just re-read this thread BDT. Just read this thread again. If you are taking this woman back, this only proves that you did not come out of the CSA with out long term effects..

 

Conpron5, I said that my wife and I are attempting R, it doesn't mean that it will work there is no guarantees in life, I am putting myself out there by doing this and I might fail again and I might get hurt, but I have lived my life by always going all out and holding nothing back.

 

There is no doubt that I still am affected by my CSA and I will always have issues with it. My first T, that I got rid of told my Wife in a joint session what all of the characteristics of CSA were in adults and they were not pretty. I was offended and defensive when we all met, she probably hit the nail on the head, but I didn't want to hear it. She said that my issues are manageable like someone with a cronic illness or handicap. There is no such thing as a normal life, just life.

[Bigdaddyt]

I kind of agree with this. As much as your wife sees your PT as a threat - you know you've always been faithful. That's all that should have mattered......unless you felt you might stray with her.

 

It's still your wife controlling elements of your life.

Sandylee, I did feel that with my PT there was too strong of a connection between us and my Wife knew this. I haven't cheated but being emotionally vulnerable now, I had to do whatever it takes to try and fix my marriage. I will use another PT, but I have to consider my wifes fears now.

[66Charger]

BDT, I need to coreect you about putting yourself out there again and YOU might fail.

 

By everything you wrote the failure was not yours and probaly wont be if your marriage goes south again. While I may have little faith in a spouse that has done the things yours have, you have stood tall and did what you thought was best. The failure will not be yours. You have done MORE THAN ENOUGH to help your marriage. Dont blameshift yourself.

[Bigdaddyt]

Big Daddy T,

 

You're AWESOME!

 

THERE IS NOTHING you can't handle now. You have done SO WELL. Achieved so much RESOLUTION to buried issues all while dealing with present issues! Man you are way better than awesome. Gosh your kids are lucky.

 

Qubist you're awesome too! The PMs are what kept me afloat during my darkest periods this year too. Thanks LS. Thanks LSers. There isn't a therapist or friend of mine that hasn't heard my credence to you all.

 

I'm just so happy for you BDT. What a whirlwind. And you've not just survived but gotten and received the support you needed to become a stronger person for it all.

Amazing.

 

Lion Heart.

Lion Heart, LS is Awesome, I do not think that I would have survived this if it wasn't for this site and the support that I received here. I want to Thank everyone for their support here, if I get too far out there please reel me back in!

[S2B]

This is great progress with action on your part to sift through all of your fears and get to the OTHER side! As one who did a year of intensive trauma counseling I can say "keep going"! Yay for you! Get rid of all of it! If that includes cutting your Mother out for a long while - then cut her out.

 

There is value in eliminating the people from your life (at least for now) that should have protected you as a young child - but failed to take action. Telling her this would be hard, but useful so she knows she is accountable for her INACTION. That's on her, not you - and she should be responsible for sitting with that thought for a long while.

 

Glad things are improving at home. Be authentic. Express how you feel by being honest. It takes a while to truly know what it how we may feel after a lifetime of stuffing our feeling down deep.

 

 

This is a huge growing time for you! I'm proud of your work on yourself. It's freedom to face the past, let it go and walk to the other side of it all!

 

Keep moving forward BDT! If you're standing still it's likely that you'll feel like you're going backwards, so keep up the action while sifting through what you'd like to get rid of.

 

Glad you're doing everything you can to change all of this!

[Bigdaddyt]

In phychology there is no right or wrong. Whatever feelings or emotions you have are real and that's enough. It's never wrong to try and solve the emotional issues we have, it will only lead to relief and salvation. You are the live example of this that's why I talked about inspiration to people who are scared to take action. We can't let fear lead our lives. Fear is the worst enemy. We should always try to fix something that is not right and be ready for any results. Doing nothing is more wrong than any bad results we may have.

 

Summer Dreams, I am learning this as I go along, I always fear hurting someone elses feelings and I often go back and change my posts becuase I think that maybe I was rude or insensitive in my responses. I did absolutelt fear dealing with the unknown and afraid what I would uncover. I said earlier that I always hoped that my past would go away and not effect my life, but hope with no action leads me to stay where I have always been. I now have hope but my hope has action and things are getting better.

[Bigdaddyt]

This is great progress with action on your part to sift through all of your fears and get to the OTHER side! As one who did a year of intensive trauma counseling I can say "keep going"! Yay for you! Get rid of all of it! If that includes cutting your Mother out for a long while - then cut her out.

 

There is value in eliminating the people from your life (at least for now) that should have protected you as a young child - but failed to take action. Telling her this would be hard, but useful so she knows she is accountable for her INACTION. That's on her, not you - and she should be responsible for sitting with that thought for a long while.

 

Glad things are improving at home. Be authentic. Express how you feel by being honest. It takes a while to truly know what it how we may feel after a lifetime of stuffing our feeling down deep.

 

 

This is a huge growing time for you! I'm proud of your work on yourself. It's freedom to face the past, let it go and walk to the other side of it all!

 

Keep moving forward BDT! If you're standing still it's likely that you'll feel like you're going backwards, so keep up the action while sifting through what you'd like to get rid of.

 

Glad you're doing everything you can to change all of this!

S2B, I have made huge gains, but honestly it was so much harder than I thought that it would be to put this behind me. Cutting my Mother off is going to be hard because she is older now and doesn't have anyone except for my Brothers and Sisters and she has burned so many bridges over here behavior. She has attempted suicide on three different occassions and I don't want to be responsible for a successful attempt.

 

You are absolutely correct that somedays I feel like I am moving backwards after making progress, my T said that I need to meet with him every Monday for the next couple of years to safely put this behind me.

[S2B]

S2B, I have made huge gains, but honestly it was so much harder than I thought that it would be to put this behind me. Cutting my Mother off is going to be hard because she is older now and doesn't have anyone except for my Brothers and Sisters and she has burned so many bridges over here behavior. She has attempted suicide on three different occassions and I don't want to be responsible for a successful attempt.

 

You are absolutely correct that somedays I feel like I am moving backwards after making progress, my T said that I need to meet with him every Monday for the next couple of years to safely put this behind me.

 

Let me be clear: YOU are NOT responsible for other people's behavior! Repeat it over and over.

 

IF your Mother decided to take her own life that would only mean SHE is responsible for that decision and her action to do that.

 

You could potentially do a year of therapy one a week on that thought alone - and the action that goes with it.

 

I do me, my action. Other people do their own.

 

 

I'm assuming you've done a lot of work regarding codependency and what that looks like on you. Contrary action would mean you do what you can to improve yourself and allow and accept that others do the same for themselves.

 

You are not responsible for your Mom's inaction, bad behavior and inability to stand up for what is right. She may not cope well with what she has/hasn't done throughout her life - but that's really not yours to handle or fix FOR her.

 

 

She is who she is. Wanting to eliminated people who have negatively affected you throughout the years is normal while you are attempting to feel 'grounded and safe' now! Keeping toxic people around is not helpful for the time being.

 

This doesn't mean it's a decision forever - it means it MAY be necessary to gain clarity without her chaos muddying the waters more while you are trying to decipher where to go with it all next.

 

 

Personally, as someone who's been there, you need the distance to help you get better faster. Removing the distraction for the time being will only help you let all the crap go quicker and resume (possibly) a new relationship with your Mom based on truth and a healthy boundary.

 

You can change you - when you change it does cause others to adjust. But we don't do change for the sole reason to change them. We change to find a healthy boundary FOR ourselves. Once this takes effect over an extended period of time - others start to adjust to our healthy boundary.

 

 

Keep up the good work, you're doing great! This is hard but SO worth it!!

[Bigdaddyt]

Let me be clear: YOU are NOT responsible for other people's behavior! Repeat it over and over.

 

IF your Mother decided to take her own life that would only mean SHE is responsible for that decision and her action to do that.

 

You could potentially do a year of therapy one a week on that thought alone - and the action that goes with it.

 

I do me, my action. Other people do their own.

 

 

I'm assuming you've done a lot of work regarding codependency and what that looks like on you. Contrary action would mean you do what you can to improve yourself and allow and accept that others do the same for themselves.

 

You are not responsible for your Mom's inaction, bad behavior and inability to stand up for what is right. She may not cope well with what she has/hasn't done throughout her life - but that's really not yours to handle or fix FOR her.

 

 

She is who she is. Wanting to eliminated people who have negatively affected you throughout the years is normal while you are attempting to feel 'grounded and safe' now! Keeping toxic people around is not helpful for the time being.

 

This doesn't mean it's a decision forever - it means it MAY be necessary to gain clarity without her chaos muddying the waters more while you are trying to decipher where to go with it all next.

 

 

Personally, as someone who's been there, you need the distance to help you get better faster. Removing the distraction for the time being will only help you let all the crap go quicker and resume (possibly) a new relationship with your Mom based on truth and a healthy boundary.

 

You can change you - when you change it does cause others to adjust. But we don't do change for the sole reason to change them. We change to find a healthy boundary FOR ourselves. Once this takes effect over an extended period of time - others start to adjust to our healthy boundary.

 

 

Keep up the good work, you're doing great! This is hard but SO worth it!!

S2B, I know that what you wrote is the truth, but it is still difficult for me to do. I have cut off my Mother in that I haven't seen her in several months and I have avoided her phone calls. My Wife has been great speaking with her to prevent me from having to do it. I know that is cowardly of me but I just hate to speak to her I always trigger and get depressed for the next couple of days.

 

I am speaking with my T about my codependency issues and my addictive personality. My wife has helped me to remove all of our friends that we considered toxic to our survival. I am working to put healthy boundaries out and making changes as necessary. I am relying on my Wife, T, LS, and my CSA thread for the necessary guidance when I get stuck....

[DKT3]

I disagree, Reconciling is about rebuilding trust not digging old mistrust. they are both still vulnerable and should stay away from all potential "threat".

it's not necessarily control, she is just insecure and she has always been. it is OK if he gives her little help by this comprise especially that the PT had shown interest in him before.

 

I couldn't agree more. It's important that both spouses play a role in protecting the marriage. Being a WS doesn't mean you lose the right to feel safe in the marriage, should the decision be to continue in the marriage.

[S2B]

It may be more honest to tell your Mom directly that you can't be in contact with her until you reach out next. That you love her, but won't be communicating.

 

This does several things:

 

It allows you to realize how you love her while you don't like her behavior.

 

That your wife is not responsible for fending off your demons

 

That your Mom can handle what she's created

 

That you don't dump your crap onto your wife and expect her to clean up the mess and attempt to make it 'appear to be' pretty

 

That it is what it is! Knowing that it is what it is does not indicate that you are under any obligation to the one who didn't protect you when she should have!

 

 

And your wife doesn't need to buffer the situation. Let it be what it is.

 

I would tell Mom point blank you have work to do and would appreciate no contact until you say so.

[DKT3]

BDT, don't listen to anyone who says you're making a mistake in attempting to work it out and move forward with the marriage. I was told that same thing over and over again by family and friend and here. The thing is no one knows your wife's heart. It's easy to stand on the outside and proclaim her unworthy. For me the key is movement and seeing that she understood how the hundreds of small poor decision equaled to where we ended up.

 

None of this will happen over night, it will be a slow very painful journey, as long as you're both committed and the flow of communications are open you're not making a mistake and there is a chance for a new and improved marriage with a greater love and understanding then before.

 

Hang in there, be proud that you're doing what you feel is best for you're family. No regrets.

[Bigdaddyt]

It may be more honest to tell your Mom directly that you can't be in contact with her until you reach out next. That you love her, but won't be communicating.

 

This does several things:

 

It allows you to realize how you love her while you don't like her behavior.

 

That your wife is not responsible for fending off your demons

 

That your Mom can handle what she's created

 

That you don't dump your crap onto your wife and expect her to clean up the mess and attempt to make it 'appear to be' pretty

 

That it is what it is! Knowing that it is what it is does not indicate that you are under any obligation to the one who didn't protect you when she should have!

 

 

And your wife doesn't need to buffer the situation. Let it be what it is.

 

I would tell Mom point blank you have work to do and would appreciate no contact until you say so.

S2B, Ouch!!!!! I get it, I do have issues and I rely too much on my Wife for this. She is very protective of me and just does the phone coverage on her own. I will speak with Mother Dearest tonight and tell her that I need a break from her so that I can complete the work that I started. I just have to man up and not let her guilt trip me or play her victim card on me again. I always feel guilty for ever saying anything to her, but I will just do it. My T will be very pleased.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, don't listen to anyone who says you're making a mistake in attempting to work it out and move forward with the marriage. I was told that same thing over and over again by family and friend and here. The thing is no one knows your wife's heart. It's easy to stand on the outside and proclaim her unworthy. For me the key is movement and seeing that she understood how the hundreds of small poor decision equaled to where we ended up.

 

None of this will happen over night, it will be a slow very painful journey, as long as you're both committed and the flow of communications are open you're not making a mistake and there is a chance for a new and improved marriage with a greater love and understanding then before.

 

Hang in there, be proud that you're doing what you feel is best for you're family. No regrets.

DKT3, Thank You for your comment, my friends and Family are split on my decision most are for us R others not so much. I do know my Wifes heart and I was never her plan B. I know that she is committed to making us work and is showing me that. She tells me everyday how important I am to her and that she is so happy that we are together.

 

I am going to give everything that I have into R, I know from alot of the threads here it is not easy and most fail. We are willing to take this chance and if we fail at least we both gave it our best shot. Thanks BDT

[S2B]

S2B, Ouch!!!!! I get it, I do have issues and I rely too much on my Wife for this. She is very protective of me and just does the phone coverage on her own. I will speak with Mother Dearest tonight and tell her that I need a break from her so that I can complete the work that I started. I just have to man up and not let her guilt trip me or play her victim card on me again. I always feel guilty for ever saying anything to her, but I will just do it. My T will be very pleased.

 

I'm proud of you!

 

It is personal growth if you handle what you are capable of handling by taking action/forward movement on the things you can!

 

 

And it is also up to your wife to serve herself best too... Hopefully she also tells Mom you guys need privacy to process things without her input - for now.

 

 

And your Mom being the victim...! Sheez, that whole scenario could be long term talk with your therapist.

 

But... As much as I WAS the victim... I was determined to get out of that role. I became willing to overcome everything to never be THAT gal again! Hard? Hell yes! But SO worth the freedom!

 

Did I shut down some relationships that were toxic from my past and continued to be toxic in my present? Yes! Did I restrict some relationships to become healthier? Yes!

 

I had to change! I had to create healthy boundaries for me - for survival - for a better future!

 

I learned I couldn't become a better version of who I intended to be by hanging on to the people that wanted to keep me in THAT sick place!

 

But retrospection helped me to gain clarity. Meditation helped me 'know' without a doubt who was toxic to me. And when I began eliminating those who were toxic = I began to feel free!

 

You can't gain freedom by hanging on to the toxic crap that has shown evidence that it ruins your life/your happiness.

 

 

 

At some point it's useful to determine what crap you've been hanging onto and the "illusions" that are attached to that crap! Once the crap has a determining factor = let it go!

 

The illusion is just that! And that's a whole other discussion too.......

[66Charger]

I am concerned about the cutting your mother out of your life. The main reason is that you said she attempted suicide several times. If this is the final straw and something happens, you dont want to have that hanging on you for the rest of your life. It will mess you up badly BDT. Watch what you say to her. You have demons, your wife has demons, and so does your mother.

 

I have to ask, if you can forgive/reconcile your wife, why cant you forgive/reconcile with your mother?

 

I would hope this gets to you before you speak to your mom.

[Bigdaddyt]

I'm proud of you!

 

It is personal growth if you handle what you are capable of handling by taking action/forward movement on the things you can!

 

 

And it is also up to your wife to serve herself best too... Hopefully she also tells Mom you guys need privacy to process things without her input - for now.

 

 

And your Mom being the victim...! Sheez, that whole scenario could be long term talk with your therapist.

 

But... As much as I WAS the victim... I was determined to get out of that role. I became willing to overcome everything to never be THAT gal again! Hard? Hell yes! But SO worth the freedom!

 

Did I shut down some relationships that were toxic from my past and continued to be toxic in my present? Yes! Did I restrict some relationships to become healthier? Yes!

 

I had to change! I had to create healthy boundaries for me - for survival - for a better future!

 

I learned I couldn't become a better version of who I intended to be by hanging on to the people that wanted to keep me in THAT sick place!

 

But retrospection helped me to gain clarity. Meditation helped me 'know' without a doubt who was toxic to me. And when I began eliminating those who were toxic = I began to feel free!

 

You can't gain freedom by hanging on to the toxic crap that has shown evidence that it ruins your life/your happiness.

 

 

 

At some point it's useful to determine what crap you've been hanging onto and the "illusions" that are attached to that crap! Once the crap has a determining factor = let it go!

 

The illusion is just that! And that's a whole other discussion too.......

S2B, Confronting my Mother is my responsibilty in this mess. She is the master manipulator but I plan to respectfully shut her down tonight. I have been speaking with my two Sisters about all of this and I found out that they were as traumatized as I was by our past. I have encouraged them to also seek T in dealing with it. My youngest Sister will talk about the trauma, but my older Sister will not, she started to panic and cry on the phone so I stopped talking to her as not to push her into anything.

 

I am going to rip the scab off regardless of the pain and fix this once and for all. I do not want any regrets later in life or what ifs.

[S2B]

S2B, Confronting my Mother is my responsibilty in this mess. She is the master manipulator but I plan to respectfully shut her down tonight. I have been speaking with my two Sisters about all of this and I found out that they were as traumatized as I was by our past. I have encouraged them to also seek T in dealing with it. My youngest Sister will talk about the trauma, but my older Sister will not, she started to panic and cry on the phone so I stopped talking to her as not to push her into anything.

 

I am going to rip the scab off regardless of the pain and fix this once and for all. I do not want any regrets later in life or what ifs.

 

It doesn't need to be a "confrontation" per se... It only needs to be a statement of what you want and that you expect that she will respect your decision for private time for your family until you state differently.

 

IF she still chooses to attempt contact - you and your wife can send a united front/clear message that things are totally silent from your end.

 

Deep down she knows why. No need to rehash it. No need to 'confront' - no need for drama.

 

 

A few weeks ago my Mom yelled at me for doing something kind and loving for her. I responded with "Mom, you can say anything you wish to me without yelling at me. It's not nice what you've just done and if you participate this way again I will not interact with you in the future. I will not be abused any longer."

 

She got the message. I didn't raise my voice but she heard my boundary loud and clear.

 

I have to look out for my best interest. I know my Mom won't! Why would I expect her to start doing that now when she never has?

 

It's up to me to set my boundary and make sure I follow through with what that looks like for my happiness.

 

 

Addressing my trauma started 8 years ago. Things like this recent scenario with my Mom pop up every now and then. It's up to me to be clear about what I find unacceptable. It's up to me to say how I feel and what I will NOT tolerate.

 

Writing these posts today have me almost sick when I think back about how life used to be. I don't ever intend to be that gal ever again.

 

I hope you keep growing - you're doing a great job of implementing changes and being willing to grow.

[Bigdaddyt]

It doesn't need to be a "confrontation" per se... It only needs to be a statement of what you want and that you expect that she will respect your decision for private time for your family until you state differently.

 

IF she still chooses to attempt contact - you and your wife can send a united front/clear message that things are totally silent from your end.

 

Deep down she knows why. No need to rehash it. No need to 'confront' - no need for drama.

 

 

A few weeks ago my Mom yelled at me for doing something kind and loving for her. I responded with "Mom, you can say anything you wish to me without yelling at me. It's not nice what you've just done and if you participate this way again I will not interact with you in the future. I will not be abused any longer."

 

She got the message. I didn't raise my voice but she heard my boundary loud and clear.

 

I have to look out for my best interest. I know my Mom won't! Why would I expect her to start doing that now when she never has?

 

It's up to me to set my boundary and make sure I follow through with what that looks like for my happiness.

 

 

Addressing my trauma started 8 years ago. Things like this recent scenario with my Mom pop up every now and then. It's up to me to be clear about what I find unacceptable. It's up to me to say how I feel and what I will NOT tolerate.

 

Writing these posts today have me almost sick when I think back about how life used to be. I don't ever intend to be that gal ever again.

 

I hope you keep growing - you're doing a great job of implementing changes and being willing to grow.

S2B, I know what needs to be done, but my Mother is a drama queen and will do or say something so outrageous that I will be forced to respond, it usually involves the police and paramedics. I know no BUTS!

 

I am sorry that you are revisiting your past pain in these posts, I also get sick and go into rages thinking of my past life. You seem to really have it together now, I am glad for you. I will get there soon.

[S2B]

S2B, I know what needs to be done, but my Mother is a drama queen and will do or say something so outrageous that I will be forced to respond, it usually involves the police and paramedics. I know no BUTS!

 

I am sorry that you are revisiting your past pain in these posts, I also get sick and go into rages thinking of my past life. You seem to really have it together now, I am glad for you. I will get there soon.

 

Your Mom, if she creates drama, then that only on her. More reason to eliminate that drama for a long slumber of silence.

 

No need to respond = she is capable of calling an ambulance if that is what's needed.

 

 

Be aware and be ready: when you have become "used to" drama being a part of your sense of "normal" it's very odd when it becomes quiet or quieter. Don't go looking for new drama just because that's what feels normal.

 

Just bask in the silence and sense of calm knowing that life is supposed to feel calm and peaceful. It at that time that the 'knowing' begins. And then...when you know you just know.

 

Hard to explain here but you will know it when you've made room enough for things to become calm.

[Bigdaddyt]

I am concerned about the cutting your mother out of your life. The main reason is that you said she attempted suicide several times. If this is the final straw and something happens, you dont want to have that hanging on you for the rest of your life. It will mess you up badly BDT. Watch what you say to her. You have demons, your wife has demons, and so does your mother.

 

I have to ask, if you can forgive/reconcile your wife, why cant you forgive/reconcile with your mother?

 

I would hope this gets to you before you speak to your mom.

66 Charger, This is my biggest concern as I posted to S2B, she has tried this three times that I know of and these attempts have all been documented. I won't speak with her until 7:00pm EST tonight.

 

I have to say that my Mother never participated in my physical or sexual abuse and she didn't have not had any direct knowledge but, I did go to her once before I made my own suicide attempt to tell her and show her the physical damage ( I dont want to go into graphic detail) she responded with a glazed stupid look on her face that it was just punishment that I deserved.

 

I was crushed beyond my ability to communicate to this forum. It was at this point that as a child I saw no way out of my situation. I am a Christian and I really want to forgive her for this, I know that she is damaged severely from her past as well, but I don't have it in me to forget. That is why I have been a coward and havent confronted her recently or cut her off, I just minimized my contact.

Edited November 6, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[merrmeade]

BDT - Standing back and looking at the various exchanges on p. 87 of this thread (this page), I see you very much holding your own, listening, yes, weighing and sorting information with what you feel and know about yourself and what you've so carefully working on in IC. Then you so respectfully and carefully respond back without rejecting or arguing but also without wholescale buy-in to what you're being told to do. I am SO impressed and proud of you.