Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[S2B]

I didn't say cut her out.

 

I encouraged you to go silent on her for an extended time until you've had an opportunity to understand clearly what you need to know and what your boundary is in dealing with that.

 

 

What she CHOOSES to DO is only HER responsibility.

 

 

If she creates MORE drama then that's an even better reason not to communicate with her.

 

 

Do not reward bad behavior.

 

Stand firm on have peace and quiet without her distracting you from knowing YOUR TRUTH. You can't know when there's chaos.

 

IF your Mom won't respect you then get to the counselor every single day until you change things. Mom should learn to respect you - and she never gonna learn while you're rewarding her bad behavior.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT - Standing back and looking at the various exchanges on p. 87 of this thread (this page), I see you very much holding your own, listening, yes, weighing and sorting information with what you feel and know about yourself and what you've so carefully working on in IC. Then you so respectfully and carefully respond back without rejecting or arguing but also without wholescale buy-in to what you're being told to do. I am SO impressed and proud of you.

 

Merrmeade, Thank you, Unfortunately I have my PHD from the School of Hard Knocks. In real life before this BS all came back and became an issue, I was very laid back and I am not judgemental at all. I have a great deal of life experiences that most people dont get in one lifetime. My friends and family up until my recent meltdown always came to me when there was a problem or trouble and I almost always came up with a workable solution. If you cant play the game you can always coach, LOL!

[Bigdaddyt]

I didn't say cut her out.

 

I encouraged you to go silent on her for an extended time until you've had an opportunity to understand clearly what you need to know and what your boundary is in dealing with that.

 

 

What she CHOOSES to DO is only HER responsibility.

 

 

If she creates MORE drama then that's an even better reason not to communicate with her.

 

 

Do not reward bad behavior.

 

Stand firm on have peace and quiet without her distracting you from knowing YOUR TRUTH. You can't know when there's chaos.

 

IF your Mom won't respect you then get to the counselor every single day until you change things. Mom should learn to respect you - and she never gonna learn while you're rewarding her bad behavior.

S2B, I know and I appreciate your counsel you have always been a friend to me on LS even when you have gotten tough, I plan to talk with her tonight and tell her that I need a break for now and that I am working on my past issues and I will encourage her to do the same.

 

I will be kind and firm with her and I can say that I am starting to feel calm about this it is way over due.

[Lion Heart]

S2B, I have made huge gains, but honestly it was so much harder than I thought that it would be to put this behind me. Cutting my Mother off is going to be hard because she is older now and doesn't have anyone except for my Brothers and Sisters and she has burned so many bridges over here behavior. She has attempted suicide on three different occassions and I don't want to be responsible for a successful attempt.

 

You are absolutely correct that somedays I feel like I am moving backwards after making progress, my T said that I need to meet with him every Monday for the next couple of years to safely put this behind me.

 

BDT

 

Your relationship with your mother is yours and yours alone.

You need to do WHATEVER makes you most comfortable in this relationship.

 

I suggest trying to set up strict boundaries.

 

I tweaked pretty high when I read very early on that your mother didn't ever have your children to care for. Good move. You'd already set up that.

 

Just keep monitoring YOUR OWN feelings on the relationship and act accordingly. DO NOT LET your mother's will or any OPs judgments of this relationship dictate to you. YOU DO THAT NOW. You are an ADULT who cares for HIMSELF FIRST then considers carefully his impact on his children and W. This is wisdom in action.

 

Keep acting wisely. I know you will.

 

I had to cut my mother out of my life. Different issues. I'm her only biological child. It was hard. Horrible in fact. I had no idea the impact it would have on everyone else too. I lost the whole 39 other people in one fell swoop.

 

BUT I HAD TO DO IT TO PROTECT MY CHILDREN.

 

I would do it over in a heartbeat. Just with my EYES WIDE OPEN TO THE CONSEQUENCES NEXT TIME.

 

As you, ofcourse I'd walk over hot coals for my children daily!

Lol.

 

Love your work man.

 

Keep it up.

 

Lion Heart.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT

 

Your relationship with your mother is yours and yours alone.

You need to do WHATEVER makes you most comfortable in this relationship.

 

I suggest trying to set up strict boundaries.

 

I tweaked pretty high when I read very early on that your mother didn't ever have your children to care for. Good move. You'd already set up that.

 

Just keep monitoring YOUR OWN feelings on the relationship and act accordingly. DO NOT LET your mother's will or any OPs judgments of this relationship dictate to you. YOU DO THAT NOW. You are an ADULT who cares for HIMSELF FIRST then considers carefully his impact on his children and W. This is wisdom in action.

 

Keep acting wisely. I know you will.

 

I had to cut my mother out of my life. Different issues. I'm her only biological child. It was hard. Horrible in fact. I had no idea the impact it would have on everyone else too. I lost the whole 39 other people in one fell swoop.

 

BUT I HAD TO DO IT TO PROTECT MY CHILDREN.

 

I would do it over in a heartbeat. Just with my EYES WIDE OPEN TO THE CONSEQUENCES NEXT TIME.

 

As you, ofcourse I'd walk over hot coals for my children daily!

Lol.

 

Love your work man.

 

Keep it up.

 

Lion Heart.

Lion Heart, I love the quote from William Thackeray " Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children" I am so sorry that you had to cut off your Mother for the sake of your Children. You are doing whatever is necessary to protect them. You are a great Mother something that I truly admire! I have absolutely no problem telling my Mother politely No Way In HELL you are watching my Children!!!! I just have difficulty in dealing with her in my relationship with her.

I am going to call her in a minute and have my difficult conversation to advise her that I am going to need her to give me a break and I am going to put some boundaries in place to protect myself from her constantly triggering me . I do know in my heart she is sorry for her past, but will never say to her Children that she is sorry for not ever being there for us when we needed her. I do not think that she has the strength to do so. I am past this point of needing this, I just want to put this past behind me and move on.

 

I am posting alot today because my wife and Son went to visit my Daughter at College and I am alone at home with my youngest. We will go and join them tomorrow. I have some down time.

[66Charger]

This is a post that i probaly should not write, but i will

 

BDT, I have to disagree strongly with your therapist and probaly most posters here when it comes to your mother and I believe I have a strong foundation to do so. I do not count myself as a "survivor" of anything. I endured torture as a child and my Sister endured CSA. I remember plotting with my brothers how to kill my stepfather. In the end, all it took was a threat for him to leave. I found out years later he lived in fear of me and my brothers for a long time.

 

The only person I blamed was God. And I probably still do.

 

I have no idea how or why my mother tolerated it, but I could see the pain in her face later in the years. Yes, your mother should have protected you and she didnt, but must you inflict pain on her now? Is ths really necessary. As magnanimous as you have been with your wife, why cant you do the same for her? The person who did this deserved a bullet, but he is dead. This must end. For all that remain alive. You, your sisters and your mother.

 

I am going to go against the grain and ask you to stand taller than you already are. This may be the hardest thing you may have to do. But you do not want your mother to pass away and you never gave her the peace she seeks. She has tried to end her life 3 times. You and your sisters are angry at her. And as you trigger so is she. You must shoulder the burden of the past. Only you can handle it. It is who you are.

 

I think you need to lead now. Lead your entire family. Your wife, your children, your sister and yes your mother. Let her live the rest of her days not just in peace, but in forgiveness. You do not have to do this, but if she dies, it will be to late to fix this. Too late to say I am sirry, too late to give the hug and cry together..in pain..and in forgiveness.

 

Be stronger than your past. Be Big Daddy to everyone, including your mom.

 

I am not asking you or any other poster to respond to this post. As i have often stated, i may be dead wrong. I am asking you to at least consider it.

 

Strength and Honor.

[S2B]

I'm hoping the talk goes well for you BDT.

[turnera]

S2B, I know what needs to be done, but my Mother is a drama queen and will do or say something so outrageous that I will be forced to respond, it usually involves the police and paramedics.

These people may not change, but they CAN learn. Learn that you have progressed and won't be their third leg any more. You won't prop them up.

 

If she does something over the phone..."Mom, I'm hanging up." If she does it in person, 'Mom, I'm calling the ambulance. I'll check in on you at the hospital" and leave.

 

Do it often enough, and they will learn.

 

And it doesn't have to be a black or white thing. All or nothing. It can be a work in progress.

Edited November 7, 2015 by turnera

[Sassy Girl]

Drifter, My T knows my full story and he based his comments on my Mother knowing about my abuse by my Stepfather and her not doing anything to stop him.

 

I can really relate to this although my abuse was physical and emotional, not sexual. I too have tried to freeze the mother out (who is also NPD by the way) but it's so hard with kids and extended family. I did go no contact for about 6 months but she managed to work her way back in. It's hard. Really really hard. Good luck to you

Edited November 7, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[Lion Heart]

These people may not change, but they CAN learn. Learn that you have progressed and won't be their third leg any more. You won't prop them up.

 

If she does something over the phone..."Mom, I'm hanging up." If she does it in person, 'Mom, I'm calling the ambulance. I'll check in on you at the hospital" and leave.

 

Do it often enough, and they will learn.

 

And it doesn't have to be a black or white thing. All or nothing. It can be a work in progress.

 

 

I wish it were true for all people that they could LEARN and improve the way they relate to their loved ones. It's simply not true in all cases. Sure mental illness is usually at the root of their difficulties.

 

For me...well I had to accept that was the case for my mother.

She'd had shock treatment as a teenager. Had had MANY extremely violent episodes during her youth whereby she could've EASILY killed someone (which I only found out after NC) but was an extremely violent mother to me. Not her adopted son (although that's changed now and she has attempted to be violent with him since my NC).

 

IT REALLY becomes a case of YOUR BOUNDARIES. Knowing the boundaries you decide to establish very well ie what you will tolerate and what you absolutely won't. Have a list prepared about what actions you WILL take in certain events.

 

Be careful to KNOW what consequences you are willing to give and communicate these clearly. NEVER make empty threats.

 

I'd said during the violence up till I was 37yo "if you do _____ I will call the police". But I'd said that for 10 or 15 years and never did. Finally with new born twins (and a hostage situation yeah bad) I had to call the police. She was jailed. I couldn't put an apprehended violence order on her. The police did that.

 

So just like any NC we decide to enforce, it was a battle within myself thousands of times per day to begin with. Plus having all and sundry relatives and her friends phone me constantly. It lasted around 5y before people quietened down. A silent phone number helped! I don't have any relationships with those people because I didn't do what they told me to.

 

It's sad but I'm really hoping that by me cutting that behaviour from our lives, being the first generation to do so, my descendants have a better chance of a normal life.

 

A T once told me "you can't have a normal relationship with a person who's mentally ill". NOTE I did not say you can't HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. But expecting it to be NORMAL EVER is just a pipe dream.

 

You can handle this BDT. Easy.

 

The resolution you may need for full closure of past events may not be possible but I see you've accepted that already.

 

Do what you CAN do. Work within your circle of influence and watch it widen.

 

X

Lion Heart.

[turnera]

Lion Heart, I didn't mean 'learn' in terms of changing or improving. I just meant it in terms of her seeing that she can try to manipulate all she wants, but he has stopped the dance. And after that, each instance is another opportunity to choose himself over her crap. Eventually, she may decide that to keep fighting with him to get him to fall for the crap just isn't worth the trouble, and she may turn her gaze elsewhere.

 

And in the meantime, each time he says no, or walks away, or states his case, he becomes a little bit stronger, loves himself a little bit more.

[S2B]

Lion Heart, I didn't mean 'learn' in terms of changing or improving. I just meant it in terms of her seeing that she can try to manipulate all she wants, but he has stopped the dance. And after that, each instance is another opportunity to choose himself over her crap. Eventually, she may decide that to keep fighting with him to get him to fall for the crap just isn't worth the trouble, and she may turn her gaze elsewhere.

 

And in the meantime, each time he says no, or walks away, or states his case, he becomes a little bit stronger, loves himself a little bit more.

 

The silent time he is requesting is so that he can process what needs to be addressed and to heal from that.

 

It's very difficult to even begin to process those thoughts when any person is still bringing utter chaos into your life. The chaos is designed to manipulate, to distract you, aimed at having you avoid addressing the issues they don't want brought up again.

 

It's STILL a perpetrator and victim role...and they continue to ask for a victim every time they create new drama.

 

 

Best case scenario is to stay away from any/as much drama as possible while going through this special kind of hell.

 

It was better for me when I learn not to react to any drama. Not to over react either. Just stay neutral by telling whoever brought the drama that it was there situation to deal with and they could handle it themselves.

 

When I made it clear I wouldn't react/over react...they eventually stopped bringing the drama/chaos my way.

 

They didn't get a response from me that they wanted. Hmmm, it was that easy...

 

I wish I'd learned it 35 years sooner! If I had known this as a young adult I would have saved myself from so much extra trauma in my life.

 

With these types of people it's not possible to step in "just a little bit". From my experience it has to be a hard line to keep them (and their chaos) at bay. They don't like their drama - they just want someone else to handle that drama for them! Or they don't want you to be capable of realizing what's really going on under all the drama (it's their cover up).

 

Either way = it's emotionally exhausting - much like dealing with a drug addict - it's never their fault.

[turnera]

And please understand I don't even care if the perpetrator learns or not. It's all about OUR person learning and growing and learning to stop having to take care of everyone else. Without guilt.

[Lion Heart]

With these types of people it's not possible to step in "just a little bit". From my experience it has to be a hard line to keep them (and their chaos) at bay. They don't like their drama - they just want someone else to handle that drama for them! Or they don't want you to be capable of realizing what's really going on under all the drama (it's their cover up).

 

Either way = it's emotionally exhausting - much like dealing with a drug addict - it's never their fault.

 

Correct IME too.

 

Though with my mother if there was no "drama" going on at the time, she sure knew how to create it!

 

I honestly think some people only want drama in their lives. It's a real special kinda crazy. If there's a lull, they ramp up anything and everything they can to summons an emotional tornado and the more people brought in to it, the better.

 

I'm sure it's for attention.

 

A calm, peaceful, happy and creative life is far too boring for them.

LH

[Bigdaddyt]

This is a post that i probaly should not write, but i will

 

BDT, I have to disagree strongly with your therapist and probaly most posters here when it comes to your mother and I believe I have a strong foundation to do so. I do not count myself as a "survivor" of anything. I endured torture as a child and my Sister endured CSA. I remember plotting with my brothers how to kill my stepfather. In the end, all it took was a threat for him to leave. I found out years later he lived in fear of me and my brothers for a long time.

 

The only person I blamed was God. And I probably still do.

 

I have no idea how or why my mother tolerated it, but I could see the pain in her face later in the years. Yes, your mother should have protected you and she didnt, but must you inflict pain on her now? Is ths really necessary. As magnanimous as you have been with your wife, why cant you do the same for her? The person who did this deserved a bullet, but he is dead. This must end. For all that remain alive. You, your sisters and your mother.

 

I am going to go against the grain and ask you to stand taller than you already are. This may be the hardest thing you may have to do. But you do not want your mother to pass away and you never gave her the peace she seeks. She has tried to end her life 3 times. You and your sisters are angry at her. And as you trigger so is she. You must shoulder the burden of the past. Only you can handle it. It is who you are.

 

I think you need to lead now. Lead your entire family. Your wife, your children, your sister and yes your mother. Let her live the rest of her days not just in peace, but in forgiveness. You do not have to do this, but if she dies, it will be to late to fix this. Too late to say I am sirry, too late to give the hug and cry together..in pain..and in forgiveness.

 

Be stronger than your past. Be Big Daddy to everyone, including your mom.

 

I am not asking you or any other poster to respond to this post. As i have often stated, i may be dead wrong. I am asking you to at least consider it.

 

Strength and Honor.

 

66Charger, You are okay to post whatever you think and feel, I want to hear everyone's opinions. I am truly sorry for your past pain in dealing with abuse. I am amazed how common this is. Children should not have to deal with this.

 

All: I spoke with my Mother last evening and I told her that I was in T for my past abuse and my wife's infidelity. She was silent and started to cry, She didn't ask or say anything . I told her that I need to sort my past out and fix my marriage. She tried to say that I didn't have a bad childhood, I told her that she can lie to herself about this but not me; because I lived it. That my childhood was an absolute living hell.

 

I said that I am not going be back for Thanksgiving and that I am going to keep to myself for awhile and work on myself and my family. I told her that I care about her and I am not cutting her off, but I can't deal with all of this together . She told me she loved me and hung up. I called my little Sister who said she would check on her.

 

My wife and I had a fight last night over the children and my Mother and me pushing her out of our lives. Wife likes my Mother and wants me to forgive and move on. Today I am driving to Gettyburg, Pa to visit D in a College. I am allowing my son to drive. That is more stressful than this. I will update later.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: FYI wife came back last night with son, she had stopped at her Mothersand decided that it was too late to drive to D. I have to come back tomorrow for work, wife and boys on Tuesday.

[merrmeade]

This is a post that i probaly should not write, but i will

 

BDT, I have to disagree strongly with your therapist and probaly most posters here when it comes to your mother and I believe I have a strong foundation to do so. I do not count myself as a "survivor" of anything. I endured torture as a child and my Sister endured CSA. I remember plotting with my brothers how to kill my stepfather. In the end, all it took was a threat for him to leave. I found out years later he lived in fear of me and my brothers for a long time.

 

The only person I blamed was God. And I probably still do.

 

I have no idea how or why my mother tolerated it, but I could see the pain in her face later in the years. Yes, your mother should have protected you and she didnt, but must you inflict pain on her now? Is ths really necessary. As magnanimous as you have been with your wife, why cant you do the same for her? The person who did this deserved a bullet, but he is dead. This must end. For all that remain alive. You, your sisters and your mother.

 

I am going to go against the grain and ask you to stand taller than you already are. This may be the hardest thing you may have to do. But you do not want your mother to pass away and you never gave her the peace she seeks. She has tried to end her life 3 times. You and your sisters are angry at her. And as you trigger so is she. You must shoulder the burden of the past. Only you can handle it. It is who you are.

 

I think you need to lead now. Lead your entire family. Your wife, your children, your sister and yes your mother. Let her live the rest of her days not just in peace, but in forgiveness. You do not have to do this, but if she dies, it will be to late to fix this. Too late to say I am sirry, too late to give the hug and cry together..in pain..and in forgiveness.

 

Be stronger than your past. Be Big Daddy to everyone, including your mom.

 

I am not asking you or any other poster to respond to this post. As i have often stated, i may be dead wrong. I am asking you to at least consider it.

 

Strength and Honor.

I used to agree with everything 66charger said but not this time.

 

No, this is ENTIRELY BDT's call. What's more, I don't remember his even asking us if he should do this! Why is everybody advising? I mean, he's a first-class human being. My god what he's absorbed in this life. And for just this once, he's able to announce, explain and stick by his own decision (with his T) about something he needs for himself. I say, congratulate, support and encourage the strength it's taking for him to see this incredibly brave step that he carefully decided was essential to his final healing. No requests to lead. No insistence on others at all. Just let him do this for himself already.

 

Besides, consequences can be good. This could be the best thing ever happened to his mother.

[merrmeade]

Taking this amazing step IS "Strength and Honor" for BDT. Probably greater than any wartime move imaginable.

 

So take a Silver Medal for me, BDT. You're a hero.

[66Charger]

Well, I wasnt to sure what I wrote was right. I think I focused more on the 3 suicide attempts. It does appear that wharever comes BDTs way he can handle it.

 

On a lighter note, my daughter is learning to drive. I bought her a 65 Ford Falcon and she promtly ran the car up on the curve of a busy coffee shop.

 

Good luck with your sons driving brother.

[S2B]

66Charger, You are okay to post whatever you think and feel, I want to hear everyone's opinions. I am truly sorry for your past pain in dealing with abuse. I am amazed how common this is. Children should not have to deal with this.

 

All: I spoke with my Mother last evening and I told her that I was in T for my past abuse and my wife's infidelity. She was silent and started to cry, She didn't ask or say anything . I told her that I need to sort my past out and fix my marriage. She tried to say that I didn't have a bad childhood, I told her that she can lie to herself about this but not me; because I lived it. That my childhood was an absolute living hell.

 

I said that I am not going be back for Thanksgiving and that I am going to keep to myself for awhile and work on myself and my family. I told her that I care about her and I am not cutting her off, but I can't deal with all of this together . She told me she loved me and hung up. I called my little Sister who said she would check on her.

 

My wife and I had a fight last night over the children and my Mother and me pushing her out of our lives. Wife likes my Mother and wants me to forgive and move on. Today I am driving to Gettyburg, Pa to visit D in a College. I am allowing my son to drive. That is more stressful than this. I will update later.

 

I commend you on the way you handled the discussion with your Mother. Good for you looking out for yourself. Good that you told her she can lie to herself but not you (you see how people convince themselves that must not have been so bad?). She's delusional about reality! If she admits - then it makes it true for her too - and she probably wants to avoid the pain of addressing reality ( I don't have to tell you how hard it is to go through this).

 

Once you know - you can't UNknow. Betrayal has many faces.

 

 

But your wife expecting you to rug sweep even further at this stage of the healing? Wow, that's like a slap in the face. Why would your wife encourage you to betray your truth again?

 

 

Stay on path! You're doing great. When truth is revealed - it's not important that others agree with the process that's chosen to get PAST the pain.they can disagree all they want but others must respect your decisions that take care of you while at this MOST vulnerable stage!

 

Expecting you to run backwards is crazy.

 

Your courage and strength is amazing! Keep on keeping on. High five for your recovery.

[Bigdaddyt]

I wish it were true for all people that they could LEARN and improve the way they relate to their loved ones. It's simply not true in all cases. Sure mental illness is usually at the root of their difficulties.

 

For me...well I had to accept that was the case for my mother.

She'd had shock treatment as a teenager. Had had MANY extremely violent episodes during her youth whereby she could've EASILY killed someone (which I only found out after NC) but was an extremely violent mother to me. Not her adopted son (although that's changed now and she has attempted to be violent with him since my NC).

 

IT REALLY becomes a case of YOUR BOUNDARIES. Knowing the boundaries you decide to establish very well ie what you will tolerate and what you absolutely won't. Have a list prepared about what actions you WILL take in certain events.

 

Be careful to KNOW what consequences you are willing to give and communicate these clearly. NEVER make empty threats.

 

I'd said during the violence up till I was 37yo "if you do _____ I will call the police". But I'd said that for 10 or 15 years and never did. Finally with new born twins (and a hostage situation yeah bad) I had to call the police. She was jailed. I couldn't put an apprehended violence order on her. The police did that.

 

So just like any NC we decide to enforce, it was a battle within myself thousands of times per day to begin with. Plus having all and sundry relatives and her friends phone me constantly. It lasted around 5y before people quietened down. A silent phone number helped! I don't have any relationships with those people because I didn't do what they told me to.

 

It's sad but I'm really hoping that by me cutting that behaviour from our lives, being the first generation to do so, my descendants have a better chance of a normal life.

 

A T once told me "you can't have a normal relationship with a person who's mentally ill". NOTE I did not say you can't HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. But expecting it to be NORMAL EVER is just a pipe dream.

 

You can handle this BDT. Easy.

 

The resolution you may need for full closure of past events may not be possible but I see you've accepted that already.

 

Do what you CAN do. Work within your circle of influence and watch it widen.

 

X

Lion Heart.

 

Lion Heart, I am sorry for the pain that you went through with physical abuse in your life and dealing with your Mother and her mental illness, I can relate. It really is time for me to man up on this and set the boundaries with her, once I work past my initial shock of dealing with this past abuse.

 

I am going to work to reduce her control over my life and get to the point that I do not allow her to get a reaction from me with her comments or just her contact. Alot of this is my fault for not dealing with this and trying to run away or make it pretty, so I can pretend it away.

 

I tried not to be hostile when I spoke to my Mother ,I was firm and I didn't raise my voice, I tried to be compasionate and still deliver my message. Time will tell if it worked.

 

This whole mess seriously effected my marriage and I didn't have a clue that it did or how it caused me react in everyday things. Lesson learned.

[Bigdaddyt]

And please understand I don't even care if the perpetrator learns or not. It's all about OUR person learning and growing and learning to stop having to take care of everyone else. Without guilt.

 

Tunera, I do absolutely understand now what I have to do and I am working towards this goal. I did take care of everyone, including my Mother and I have always felt guilty when I didn't deliver to their expectations. Contact in any form with my Mother was very upsetting to me and when she would speak about the past with rose colored glasses on I wouldn't say anything, but be dying inside. The only thing that I could deal with hear is when she would speak about my SF favorably. This always set me off and she did learn to never to mention him to me again.

 

I know that this is about me doing what is right and not allowing people to manipulate me into going outside of my boundaries by their manipulation and adult trantrums. I have made the mental shift and I will follow through this time....

[Bigdaddyt]

I used to agree with everything 66charger said but not this time.

 

No, this is ENTIRELY BDT's call. What's more, I don't remember his even asking us if he should do this! Why is everybody advising? I mean, he's a first-class human being. My god what he's absorbed in this life. And for just this once, he's able to announce, explain and stick by his own decision (with his T) about something he needs for himself. I say, congratulate, support and encourage the strength it's taking for him to see this incredibly brave step that he carefully decided was essential to his final healing. No requests to lead. No insistence on others at all. Just let him do this for himself already.

 

Besides, consequences can be good. This could be the best thing ever happened to his mother.

merrmeade, Thank You for your support and your kind encouragement. I am responsible to make the necessary changes in my life if things are to get better for me and my family. I am sure that I am going to make mistakes along the way and I am willing to say that I did and work to correct my mistakes.

 

My goal at LS was to figure out if my Wfe was cheating and I did that, to confront her and to either save or dismantle my marriage. This thread I am all over the place with my emotions and I am working things out.

 

I brought alot of baggage into my marriage and I am trying to get rid of it or at least name it, let everyone know that its there and move on and not be ashamed of things that I couldn't control from my past. I really am at a much better place in life and I even would be okay if my marriage doesn't work out, becuase i gave it all that I could to save it, and at the end of the day, that all you can do.

[Bigdaddyt]

I commend you on the way you handled the discussion with your Mother. Good for you looking out for yourself. Good that you told her she can lie to herself but not you (you see how people convince themselves that must not have been so bad?). She's delusional about reality! If she admits - then it makes it true for her too - and she probably wants to avoid the pain of addressing reality ( I don't have to tell you how hard it is to go through this).

 

Once you know - you can't UNknow. Betrayal has many faces.

 

 

But your wife expecting you to rug sweep even further at this stage of the healing? Wow, that's like a slap in the face. Why would your wife encourage you to betray your truth again?

 

 

Stay on path! You're doing great. When truth is revealed - it's not important that others agree with the process that's chosen to get PAST the pain.they can disagree all they want but others must respect your decisions that take care of you while at this MOST vulnerable stage!

 

Expecting you to run backwards is crazy.

 

Your courage and strength is amazing! Keep on keeping on. High five for your recovery.

S2B, I spoke to my Mother and got it done, it wasn't pretty but it was effective. My Mother is delusional and I consider her mentally ill, but high functioning. I probably learned to block out reality from her and also avoid the pain. It is when I couldn't block this out I failed.

 

My Wife didn't try to get me to sweep this just to hide it she is afraid that this will put me into a further depression. My first T told my Wife that she thought that I should not be alone and that alot of CSA survivors have a high suicide rate. My Wife had her Mother and Father staying with us for a week becuase of this, I assured her that I was not suicidal and would never consider this. My Wife and I have hid this past from our children and they do not know about my past or my Mothers suicide attempts. They just think or her as Grandma and she buys them gifts and talks to them like I wish she would have to me when I was a child.

[Bigdaddyt]

Well, I wasnt to sure what I wrote was right. I think I focused more on the 3 suicide attempts. It does appear that wharever comes BDTs way he can handle it.

 

On a lighter note, my daughter is learning to drive. I bought her a 65 Ford Falcon and she promtly ran the car up on the curve of a busy coffee shop.

 

Good luck with your sons driving brother.

66 Charger, I fully understand and I am fine with your comments. This was also on my mind and still is. The bottom line God gives us all free will to do what we want or think that we have to, I cannot prevent her from taking her life if she chooses. I wasn't mean when I told her, but it had to be done.

 

I bought my son a 1977 CJ-7 304 V8, it will pass anything on the road but, a gas station 10 MPG.I have been restoring it with him and we are about done until something else breaks. He was going to drive it to Gettyburg Friday night with my wife but he took the hard top of and placed a soft top on it becuase it was cool and it started to rain. He drove back home to put it in the garage.

Edited November 8, 2015 by Bigdaddyt