Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

I can really relate to this although my abuse was physical and emotional, not sexual. I too have tried to freeze the mother out (who is also NPD by the way) but it's so hard with kids and extended family. I did go no contact for about 6 months but she managed to work her way back in. It's hard. Really really hard. Good luck to you

 

Sassy Girl, I have learned in T, that everyones abuse and pain is real and as bad to them as it was to me. The severity doesn't matter it is still bad and you didn't deserve it. You are a survivor!!!!!!!!!1

[merrmeade]

merrmeade, Thank You for your support and your kind encouragement. I am responsible to make the necessary changes in my life if things are to get better for me and my family. I am sure that I am going to make mistakes along the way and I am willing to say that I did and work to correct my mistakes.

 

My goal at LS was to figure out if my Wfe was cheating and I did that, to confront her and to either save or dismantle my marriage. This thread I am all over the place with my emotions and I am working things out.

 

I brought alot of baggage into my marriage and I am trying to get rid of it or at least name it, let everyone know that its there and move on and not be ashamed of things that I couldn't control from my past. I really am at a much better place in life and I even would be okay if my marriage doesn't work out, becuase i gave it all that I could to save it, and at the end of the day, that all you can do.

not sure if it was clear but I was talking about your decision regarding

your mother. You'd already processed it with your T and were just informing us. I didn't like it that people tried to talk you out of it but was so impressed at how you responded.

 

I understand, too, that the thread started about your wife. The This explanation may even be unnecessary but I just want to encourage your decisiveness in continuing with whatever direction you've worked out with your T over any LS objections or judgment. We aren't professional Ts and those who might be still can't see and hear you.

 

Just hold your course, BDT, and follow the plan. You'll be great.

[Bigdaddyt]

I asked my youngest Sister to check on my Mother on Sunday to make sure that she was alright. She did and called me back and said that she wasn’t going to tell me this but decided she would anyway. She said that when she went to our Mothers house she noticed that the few pictures that she had of me were gone and that our Mother had replaced them with pictures of my abusive SF. My sister asked her why she had put his pictures back up after all of these years and was told that SF was our youngest brothers Father and that she wanted to make this Thanksgiving special for him, to make sure he knows how much he is loved by her and his Father. I am definitely making progress with my recovery; because a month ago I would have gone off over this, now I am just indifferent. Mother Dearest will ratchet things up when she gets no response from me on this

 

I called my Wife late Sunday who was staying another night to visit our daughter and our oldest son was visiting the same college for an overnight orientation. I called her multiple times before she answered around 10:30 pm and she was very intoxicated. I was upset and told her that her PDOC said that she could not drink on her medication. She told me that I wasn’t her Mother and that she had her girlfriend come up to stay with her so she wouldn’t be by herself. She asked me why I called, I said that I wanted to speak to my loving Wife, was she there? I told her that I was disappointed that she had been drinking on medication and that she was being rude to me on the phone, I hung up and didn’t speak to her again.

 

She came back last night and was a raging Bit_h when she got home. She picked on everything I did from not folding the towels right to me using a fork to stir coffee this morning because there were no spoons in the drawer by the coffee maker. I told her that I am sorry, but that she is being way too critical of me and I am not going to put up with it. Last night I woke up around 3:00am and my wife was in the bathroom for about twenty minutes texting.I lay in bed and waited for her to come back and fall asleep. I got up andchecked her phone there were no new texts or emails sent or received. She hadto delete both sent and received messages. Not good. I am getting a gut feeling that she may not be into R as much as I have thought. I am going to keep my mouth shut and go back into detective mode and see what I uncover.

 

I have no form of luck...........

Edited November 10, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[qubist]

You gotta be kidding me . Man I m sorry for you. I wouldn't even spend any time or effort. I would just confront her and get the hell out.

[Bigdaddyt]

You gotta be kidding me . Man I m sorry for you. I wouldn't even spend any time or effort. I would just confront her and get the hell out.

 

Qubist, I don't get why she just wouldn't have let us stay separated and divorce. I am either just paranoid or she is back to her old ways. I am going to place VARs around the house and possibly video. She was saying and doing eveything that a WW would do who wanted R, before this weekend, or I was just blind.

[S2B]

You handled the situation with your Mom well - staying neutral is the most productive for you. She's showing who she is - and will betray you too, again. She's part of the reason you haven't faced the demons until now. I hope you stay strong! This is for yourself.

 

 

And your wife - looks like her old behavior. I'm sorry but if this is who she is and what she does then there's no reason to try and make her be a decent wife - she may not be capable of being that person.

 

 

She's away for one minute and invites a "friend" then stays longer and parties? No can do! It looks like her friends like drugs - she probably does too. That changes a person.

 

Since she intends to do that as soon as you're not looking I'd end it with her. Move her out and make sure you take care of yourself.

 

Let her get to work supporting herself. It's time you look out for your best interest!

[kgcolonel]

BDT, I am very sorry you are having to go through all of this.....hopefully as many say, this too shall pass.

 

Is there any chance that you are hoping to (see) change in your wife from that which she actually is? That wasn't very clear. Could it be that the betrayer / cheater / hypercritical person that you're seeing now is who she actually is as opposed to the mental diagnosis that the meds are intended to correct?

 

It appears from what was written that she is not as motivated to be the wife you want and need as one would think is necessary to establish that pattern.

 

Kudos to you for not exploding on both issues re: your mother's action and your wife's destructive attitude.

[66Charger]

No one should be surprised at this, least off all you. Sorry, but I had a feeling when you said she diverted her trip from daughters to mothers. When she had the opportunity, as usual, she took it. She just cant help herself and you need to acxept that today. You will be lied to again. Will you believe it?

 

Sometimes when you pray, God says yes, no or not right now.

 

Its NO.

 

Time to close this door. Dont confront her. Go silent. Fake it. Verify and serve. Without conversation. Without counceling. Without 3rd, 4th 5th or whatever chances. If this proves to be, let it be done. The failure is not yours. You tried really hard.

 

Strength and Honor

Edited November 10, 2015 by 66Charger

[S2B]

Qubist, I don't get why she just wouldn't have let us stay separated and divorce. I am either just paranoid or she is back to her old ways. I am going to place VARs around the house and possibly video. She was saying and doing eveything that a WW would do who wanted R, before this weekend, or I was just blind.

 

Why more effort on your part now?

 

She may be capable of being decent for short periods of time but not long term. She wants to party like she's single. But she also wants you waiting when she plays a good wife role.

 

 

That emotional roller coaster is what you learned as a kid. It's what you're attempting to eliminate now.

 

 

Don't move the boundary to adjust to HER bad behavior - that's just a reward for her to act out again and again.

 

If she's only willing to be decent while you're looking then it's not who she is since she does this while you're not looking.

 

Are you seeing your counselor today? I'm hoping you will. Hugs.

[qubist]

Qubist, I don't get why she just wouldn't have let us stay separated and divorce. I am either just paranoid or she is back to her old ways. I am going to place VARs around the house and possibly video. She was saying and doing eveything that a WW would do who wanted R, before this weekend, or I was just blind.

 

In my opinion you should not spend more effort that you have to. you have done plemty of that no need to start all over.you can put a VAR, but go ahead and confront her then ask straight for those deleted email/text if she refuses or come up with lame excuses just move on and concentrate on yourself

[Bigdaddyt]

S2B,Qubist,66, kgcolonel, I am not putting really anymore effort into this mess, I just want to make sure that I am right with my assumptions and not just screwed up from my past making me paranoid. . I want to catch her saying or doing something that is inappropriate then my choice will be clear.

 

My Wife just can't do the right thing and fails at every given opportunity, it is wildly frustrating to me. I said in earlier posts, I know that my Wife has Bi tendencies and I am cramping her life style by making her stay in our marriage. I am going to catch her then we will be over, I am just too tired of dealing with this crap. It has gone on way too long.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[CarrieT]

My Wife just can't do the right thing and fails at every given opportunity, it is wildly frustrating to me. I said in earlier posts, I know that my Wife has Bi tendencies and I am cramping her life style by making her stay in our marriage. I am going to catch her then we will be over, I am just too tired of dealing with this crap. It has gone on way too long.

 

BDT, I am so sorry you are having to play this game. I really am. I hope you find what you need sooner, rather than later, so that you can move on as you need to...

[qubist]

S2B,Qubist,66, kgcolonel, I am not putting really anymore effort into this mess, I just want to make sure that I am right with my assumptions and not just srewed up from my past making me paranoid. . I want to catch her saying or doing something that is inappropriate then my choice will be clear.

 

My Wife just can't do the right thing and fails at every given opportunity, it is wildly frustrating to me. I said in earlier posts, I know that my Wife has Bi tendencies and I am cramping her life style by making her stay in our marriage. I am going to catch her then we will be over, I am just too tired of dealing with this crap. It has gone on way too long.

You are tired because you are fighting in 2 fronts. The reason why I suggested you should consider to Reconcile with her is for you to focus on one front, in addition to her mental issues. but if that is going to take you back to where it all started it would beat the purpose.

You have already caught her and should confront and ask for clear answer. nobody gets up at 3 am to send emails then delete them. if she is still acting up she will not be able to help you or at least stay neutral. go ahead and put your VAR but also ask to recover the deleted messages.

[S2B]

But, you see, you already did catch her again...

 

Once when she stayed longer, invited a "friend" (that you said she cut all ties with...)

 

And another time when she was texting in "secret" only to have that communication disappear.

 

And another when she treated you terribly because she felt guilty and didn't want you finding out.

 

 

 

She's covering her tracks...again. Not very well - but she's hoping you keep overlooking her bad behavior.

 

 

How much more evidence do you need? Where will you draw that line? You need to know this for your own sanity...

 

 

She shows 'signs' of having multiple personalities...and that's not something you can fix.

 

 

A person's character (or lack of) is determined by what they do when no one is looking... She lacks character and the ability to DO what is right.

 

 

Since she intends to act single when you're not looking - why not allow her the grace and dignity to be single?

 

 

You two can parent your kids...but since she isn't capable of acting as if she's in a committed marriage I can't see a good reason to force it.

 

 

Like putting the square block in a round hole. It's just not possible to make it happen...and since she isn't willing to change the core being of herself - it's best to just let her be who she is - on her own...

[Bigdaddyt]

Qubist, I am going to IC tonight, but I am not going to bring this up about my Wife's recent behavior. I already feel like I am the most Fuc-Ed human alive and I know my T is planning his retirement home based on me being his patient for the rest of his career. I am mentally exhausted but I am not a crying mess, I have accepted this fate on both fronts and I will put myself first going forward.

[Bigdaddyt]

But, you see, you already did catch her again...

 

Once when she stayed longer, invited a "friend" (that you said she cut all ties with...)

 

And another time when she was texting in "secret" only to have that communication disappear.

 

And another when she treated you terribly because she felt guilty and didn't want you finding out.

 

 

 

She's covering her tracks...again. Not very well - but she's hoping you keep overlooking her bad behavior.

 

 

How much more evidence do you need? Where will you draw that line? You need to know this for your own sanity...

 

 

She shows 'signs' of having multiple personalities...and that's not something you can fix.

 

 

A person's character (or lack of) is determined by what they do when no one is looking... She lacks character and the ability to DO what is right.

 

 

Since she intends to act single when you're not looking - why not allow her the grace and dignity to be single?

 

 

You two can parent your kids...but since she isn't capable of acting as if she's in a committed marriage I can't see a good reason to force it.

 

 

Like putting the square block in a round hole. It's just not possible to make it happen...and since she isn't willing to change the core being of herself - it's best to just let her be who she is - on her own...

S2B, This is yet another girlfriend that my Wife was once very close with. If you met her you would say that she was a lesbian. She is married and has two children, but she is a hairdresser and all of her girlfriends are openly gay. I never considered telling her that she was off limits becuase she lives along ways away and we have no contact with her.

 

There is no question that she is having secret communications and I have to know with who and what the content of the messages are. If I am going to end this I want to do so knowing exactly why and I will communicate that directly to her and her family. i am not being a doormat I just need to know. I can give this a couple of weeks, I will find out...........

[kgcolonel]

BDT....I am truly bummed for you.....I can't say that I've been where you are but have had similar issues regarding boundaries and violations etc. No advise here only empathy and support as to what ever you decide as you have plenty of very wise and experienced / professional and well meaning individuals thowing out ideas. It is always harder when it is your life and not someone else on the thread.

 

Good luck and let us know how we can support you.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT....I am truly bummed for you.....I can't say that I've been where you are but have had similar issues regarding boundaries and violations etc. No advise here only empathy and support as to what ever you decide as you have plenty of very wise and experienced / professional and well meaning individuals thowing out ideas. It is always harder when it is your life and not someone else on the thread.

 

Good luck and let us know how we can support you.

kgcolonel,Thank you and LS community for being here supporting me through all of this craziness, and the bottom line I come back to a cheating wife. I really thought that we would beat the odds. I was fully committed to R but she apparently isn't. Lesson learned.

[qubist]

Whatever you do just make sure you tam care of yourself. Do not hide anything from your therapist.

[Bigdaddyt]

Whatever you do just make sure you tam care of yourself. Do not hide anything from your therapist.

 

Qubist, I am not going to hide this I am just putting it on the back burner for now. I am going to get my PT back this week. I am eating well and recently gained five pounds, not intentionally getting my old PT back will fix this.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[Bigdaddyt]

But, you see, you already did catch her again...

 

Once when she stayed longer, invited a "friend" (that you said she cut all ties with...)

 

And another time when she was texting in "secret" only to have that communication disappear.

 

And another when she treated you terribly because she felt guilty and didn't want you finding out.

 

 

 

She's covering her tracks...again. Not very well - but she's hoping you keep overlooking her bad behavior.

 

 

How much more evidence do you need? Where will you draw that line? You need to know this for your own sanity...

 

 

She shows 'signs' of having multiple personalities...and that's not something you can fix.

 

 

A person's character (or lack of) is determined by what they do when no one is looking... She lacks character and the ability to DO what is right.

 

 

Since she intends to act single when you're not looking - why not allow her the grace and dignity to be single?

 

 

You two can parent your kids...but since she isn't capable of acting as if she's in a committed marriage I can't see a good reason to force it.

 

 

Like putting the square block in a round hole. It's just not possible to make it happen...and since she isn't willing to change the core being of herself - it's best to just let her be who she is - on her own...

S2B, I just reread this, do you really think that she treats me badly when she feels guilty to throw me off? Interesting I just didn't have the capacity before to understand this . That would explain a lot .

[merrmeade]

S2B, I just reread this, do you really think that she treats me badly when she feels guilty to throw me off? Interesting I just didn't have the capacity before to understand this . That would explain a lot .

It's what my WH did all our married life, I realize now, to throw me off along with outright gaslighting. I'm afraid they all probably do. 99.9% anyway.

[StBreton]

S2B, I just reread this, do you really think that she treats me badly when she feels guilty to throw me off? Interesting I just didn't have the capacity before to understand this . That would explain a lot .

 

Hi OP ... been reading your thread and I'm really sorry to hear what you've been going through. This observation by S2B is very poignant.

 

Seems like typical gas-lighting behavior.

 

The gas-lighter (your wife) treats you badly to deflect your attention from what has occurred or destroy your sense of reality (gets you second guessing your own perceptions). It works perfectly for her because she can simultaneously deny any wrong-doing in her own mind...relieving her tension ... while getting you to feel like you need to crawl back into her good graces.

 

Reading this thread ... I see a lot of roller coaster behavior. I don't understand how a mom who goes to visit her one child while also in attendance to assist another child with college touring feels its ok to get drunk.

 

This reminds me of a friend whose ex W got drunk the night before she was to take her 18 yr old daughter to rehab the next morning at 6 a.m. !! When my friend got a call at 10 p.m. that the daughter needed to go into rehab intake at 5 a.m. instead, he called his ex to let her know of the time change. She was out with friends and drunk! That's crazy behavior.

 

I know you're going through a lot family wise, but your wife is just compounding the issues. Where is her spirit of cooperation and compassion? It seems these 2 characteristics are short lived when she does display them as others have stated...they aren't representative of her true self so she cannot sustain such behavior. A good wife will go out of her way to do as much as she can to provide peace and calm in your heart with everything that has been going on with your mom/siblings and with her.

 

Also...if your wife deleted texts...they will still show on the text records on your online bill...check online to see if she did receive/send texts. I know you want definitive proof upon definitive proof to validate your feelings of her wayward behavior, but how much is it going to take before you just put yourself first. It seems like your childhood experiences have taught you to stay in unhealthy relationships even though your "self" suffers ... but you aren't that "stuck" child anymore.

[Spectre]

Dude I have to ask you why you feel you need to catch her? You know what you know, just leave her. Why put yourself through this to "catch" her doing crap you know she is already doing, when you already know the other shady stuff she has done?

 

You are not a detective investigating a crime man you don't actually have to catch her doing anything to get her out of your life.

[S2B]

S2B, I just reread this, do you really think that she treats me badly when she feels guilty to throw me off? Interesting I just didn't have the capacity before to understand this . That would explain a lot .

 

It does accomplish a few things that benefit her.

 

By being mean it puts you in the defensive seat! This puts things off balance to you! You end up being mind f@&$ed because she is doling out criticism. It's doled out so that you can't be in the OFFENSIVE role when you're in the defensive role at the same time!

 

So... It's useful for HER to attack you so that you run and hide...this overlooking how to be in an offensive position by calling her completely OUT on HER crap!

 

 

It works - doesn't it?

 

 

 

It's cruel! Just about as cruel as the crap your Mom does.

 

 

Not all women are like these two. You can't save them FROM THEMSELVES!

 

 

Let the women who bring you crap go!