Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

You gotta be kidding me . Man I m sorry for you. I wouldn't even spend any time or effort. I would just confront her and get the hell out.

 

Qubist, I don't get why she just wouldn't have let us stay separated and divorce. I am either just paranoid or she is back to her old ways. I am going to place VARs around the house and possibly video. She was saying and doing eveything that a WW would do who wanted R, before this weekend, or I was just blind.

[kgcolonel]

BDT, I am very sorry you are having to go through all of this.....hopefully as many say, this too shall pass.

 

Is there any chance that you are hoping to (see) change in your wife from that which she actually is? That wasn't very clear. Could it be that the betrayer / cheater / hypercritical person that you're seeing now is who she actually is as opposed to the mental diagnosis that the meds are intended to correct?

 

It appears from what was written that she is not as motivated to be the wife you want and need as one would think is necessary to establish that pattern.

 

Kudos to you for not exploding on both issues re: your mother's action and your wife's destructive attitude.

[66Charger]

No one should be surprised at this, least off all you. Sorry, but I had a feeling when you said she diverted her trip from daughters to mothers. When she had the opportunity, as usual, she took it. She just cant help herself and you need to acxept that today. You will be lied to again. Will you believe it?

 

Sometimes when you pray, God says yes, no or not right now.

 

Its NO.

 

Time to close this door. Dont confront her. Go silent. Fake it. Verify and serve. Without conversation. Without counceling. Without 3rd, 4th 5th or whatever chances. If this proves to be, let it be done. The failure is not yours. You tried really hard.

 

Strength and Honor

Edited November 10, 2015 by 66Charger

[qubist]

Qubist, I don't get why she just wouldn't have let us stay separated and divorce. I am either just paranoid or she is back to her old ways. I am going to place VARs around the house and possibly video. She was saying and doing eveything that a WW would do who wanted R, before this weekend, or I was just blind.

 

In my opinion you should not spend more effort that you have to. you have done plemty of that no need to start all over.you can put a VAR, but go ahead and confront her then ask straight for those deleted email/text if she refuses or come up with lame excuses just move on and concentrate on yourself

[Bigdaddyt]

S2B,Qubist,66, kgcolonel, I am not putting really anymore effort into this mess, I just want to make sure that I am right with my assumptions and not just screwed up from my past making me paranoid. . I want to catch her saying or doing something that is inappropriate then my choice will be clear.

 

My Wife just can't do the right thing and fails at every given opportunity, it is wildly frustrating to me. I said in earlier posts, I know that my Wife has Bi tendencies and I am cramping her life style by making her stay in our marriage. I am going to catch her then we will be over, I am just too tired of dealing with this crap. It has gone on way too long.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[CarrieT]

My Wife just can't do the right thing and fails at every given opportunity, it is wildly frustrating to me. I said in earlier posts, I know that my Wife has Bi tendencies and I am cramping her life style by making her stay in our marriage. I am going to catch her then we will be over, I am just too tired of dealing with this crap. It has gone on way too long.

 

BDT, I am so sorry you are having to play this game. I really am. I hope you find what you need sooner, rather than later, so that you can move on as you need to...

[qubist]

S2B,Qubist,66, kgcolonel, I am not putting really anymore effort into this mess, I just want to make sure that I am right with my assumptions and not just srewed up from my past making me paranoid. . I want to catch her saying or doing something that is inappropriate then my choice will be clear.

 

My Wife just can't do the right thing and fails at every given opportunity, it is wildly frustrating to me. I said in earlier posts, I know that my Wife has Bi tendencies and I am cramping her life style by making her stay in our marriage. I am going to catch her then we will be over, I am just too tired of dealing with this crap. It has gone on way too long.

You are tired because you are fighting in 2 fronts. The reason why I suggested you should consider to Reconcile with her is for you to focus on one front, in addition to her mental issues. but if that is going to take you back to where it all started it would beat the purpose.

You have already caught her and should confront and ask for clear answer. nobody gets up at 3 am to send emails then delete them. if she is still acting up she will not be able to help you or at least stay neutral. go ahead and put your VAR but also ask to recover the deleted messages.

[Bigdaddyt]

Qubist, I am going to IC tonight, but I am not going to bring this up about my Wife's recent behavior. I already feel like I am the most Fuc-Ed human alive and I know my T is planning his retirement home based on me being his patient for the rest of his career. I am mentally exhausted but I am not a crying mess, I have accepted this fate on both fronts and I will put myself first going forward.

[Bigdaddyt]

But, you see, you already did catch her again...

 

Once when she stayed longer, invited a "friend" (that you said she cut all ties with...)

 

And another time when she was texting in "secret" only to have that communication disappear.

 

And another when she treated you terribly because she felt guilty and didn't want you finding out.

 

 

 

She's covering her tracks...again. Not very well - but she's hoping you keep overlooking her bad behavior.

 

 

How much more evidence do you need? Where will you draw that line? You need to know this for your own sanity...

 

 

She shows 'signs' of having multiple personalities...and that's not something you can fix.

 

 

A person's character (or lack of) is determined by what they do when no one is looking... She lacks character and the ability to DO what is right.

 

 

Since she intends to act single when you're not looking - why not allow her the grace and dignity to be single?

 

 

You two can parent your kids...but since she isn't capable of acting as if she's in a committed marriage I can't see a good reason to force it.

 

 

Like putting the square block in a round hole. It's just not possible to make it happen...and since she isn't willing to change the core being of herself - it's best to just let her be who she is - on her own...

S2B, This is yet another girlfriend that my Wife was once very close with. If you met her you would say that she was a lesbian. She is married and has two children, but she is a hairdresser and all of her girlfriends are openly gay. I never considered telling her that she was off limits becuase she lives along ways away and we have no contact with her.

 

There is no question that she is having secret communications and I have to know with who and what the content of the messages are. If I am going to end this I want to do so knowing exactly why and I will communicate that directly to her and her family. i am not being a doormat I just need to know. I can give this a couple of weeks, I will find out...........

[kgcolonel]

BDT....I am truly bummed for you.....I can't say that I've been where you are but have had similar issues regarding boundaries and violations etc. No advise here only empathy and support as to what ever you decide as you have plenty of very wise and experienced / professional and well meaning individuals thowing out ideas. It is always harder when it is your life and not someone else on the thread.

 

Good luck and let us know how we can support you.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT....I am truly bummed for you.....I can't say that I've been where you are but have had similar issues regarding boundaries and violations etc. No advise here only empathy and support as to what ever you decide as you have plenty of very wise and experienced / professional and well meaning individuals thowing out ideas. It is always harder when it is your life and not someone else on the thread.

 

Good luck and let us know how we can support you.

kgcolonel,Thank you and LS community for being here supporting me through all of this craziness, and the bottom line I come back to a cheating wife. I really thought that we would beat the odds. I was fully committed to R but she apparently isn't. Lesson learned.

[qubist]

Whatever you do just make sure you tam care of yourself. Do not hide anything from your therapist.

[Bigdaddyt]

Whatever you do just make sure you tam care of yourself. Do not hide anything from your therapist.

 

Qubist, I am not going to hide this I am just putting it on the back burner for now. I am going to get my PT back this week. I am eating well and recently gained five pounds, not intentionally getting my old PT back will fix this.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[Bigdaddyt]

But, you see, you already did catch her again...

 

Once when she stayed longer, invited a "friend" (that you said she cut all ties with...)

 

And another time when she was texting in "secret" only to have that communication disappear.

 

And another when she treated you terribly because she felt guilty and didn't want you finding out.

 

 

 

She's covering her tracks...again. Not very well - but she's hoping you keep overlooking her bad behavior.

 

 

How much more evidence do you need? Where will you draw that line? You need to know this for your own sanity...

 

 

She shows 'signs' of having multiple personalities...and that's not something you can fix.

 

 

A person's character (or lack of) is determined by what they do when no one is looking... She lacks character and the ability to DO what is right.

 

 

Since she intends to act single when you're not looking - why not allow her the grace and dignity to be single?

 

 

You two can parent your kids...but since she isn't capable of acting as if she's in a committed marriage I can't see a good reason to force it.

 

 

Like putting the square block in a round hole. It's just not possible to make it happen...and since she isn't willing to change the core being of herself - it's best to just let her be who she is - on her own...

S2B, I just reread this, do you really think that she treats me badly when she feels guilty to throw me off? Interesting I just didn't have the capacity before to understand this . That would explain a lot .

[merrmeade]

S2B, I just reread this, do you really think that she treats me badly when she feels guilty to throw me off? Interesting I just didn't have the capacity before to understand this . That would explain a lot .

It's what my WH did all our married life, I realize now, to throw me off along with outright gaslighting. I'm afraid they all probably do. 99.9% anyway.

[StBreton]

S2B, I just reread this, do you really think that she treats me badly when she feels guilty to throw me off? Interesting I just didn't have the capacity before to understand this . That would explain a lot .

 

Hi OP ... been reading your thread and I'm really sorry to hear what you've been going through. This observation by S2B is very poignant.

 

Seems like typical gas-lighting behavior.

 

The gas-lighter (your wife) treats you badly to deflect your attention from what has occurred or destroy your sense of reality (gets you second guessing your own perceptions). It works perfectly for her because she can simultaneously deny any wrong-doing in her own mind...relieving her tension ... while getting you to feel like you need to crawl back into her good graces.

 

Reading this thread ... I see a lot of roller coaster behavior. I don't understand how a mom who goes to visit her one child while also in attendance to assist another child with college touring feels its ok to get drunk.

 

This reminds me of a friend whose ex W got drunk the night before she was to take her 18 yr old daughter to rehab the next morning at 6 a.m. !! When my friend got a call at 10 p.m. that the daughter needed to go into rehab intake at 5 a.m. instead, he called his ex to let her know of the time change. She was out with friends and drunk! That's crazy behavior.

 

I know you're going through a lot family wise, but your wife is just compounding the issues. Where is her spirit of cooperation and compassion? It seems these 2 characteristics are short lived when she does display them as others have stated...they aren't representative of her true self so she cannot sustain such behavior. A good wife will go out of her way to do as much as she can to provide peace and calm in your heart with everything that has been going on with your mom/siblings and with her.

 

Also...if your wife deleted texts...they will still show on the text records on your online bill...check online to see if she did receive/send texts. I know you want definitive proof upon definitive proof to validate your feelings of her wayward behavior, but how much is it going to take before you just put yourself first. It seems like your childhood experiences have taught you to stay in unhealthy relationships even though your "self" suffers ... but you aren't that "stuck" child anymore.

[Spectre]

Dude I have to ask you why you feel you need to catch her? You know what you know, just leave her. Why put yourself through this to "catch" her doing crap you know she is already doing, when you already know the other shady stuff she has done?

 

You are not a detective investigating a crime man you don't actually have to catch her doing anything to get her out of your life.

[Bigdaddyt]

Hi OP ... been reading your thread and I'm really sorry to hear what you've been going through. This observation by S2B is very poignant.

 

Seems like typical gas-lighting behavior.

 

The gas-lighter (your wife) treats you badly to deflect your attention from what has occurred or destroy your sense of reality (gets you second guessing your own perceptions). It works perfectly for her because she can simultaneously deny any wrong-doing in her own mind...relieving her tension ... while getting you to feel like you need to crawl back into her good graces.

 

Reading this thread ... I see a lot of roller coaster behavior. I don't understand how a mom who goes to visit her one child while also in attendance to assist another child with college touring feels its ok to get drunk.

 

This reminds me of a friend whose ex W got drunk the night before she was to take her 18 yr old daughter to rehab the next morning at 6 a.m. !! When my friend got a call at 10 p.m. that the daughter needed to go into rehab intake at 5 a.m. instead, he called his ex to let her know of the time change. She was out with friends and drunk! That's crazy behavior.

 

I know you're going through a lot family wise, but your wife is just compounding the issues. Where is her spirit of cooperation and compassion? It seems these 2 characteristics are short lived when she does display them as others have stated...they aren't representative of her true self so she cannot sustain such behavior. A good wife will go out of her way to do as much as she can to provide peace and calm in your heart with everything that has been going on with your mom/siblings and with her.

 

Also...if your wife deleted texts...they will still show on the text records on your online bill...check online to see if she did receive/send texts. I know you want definitive proof upon definitive proof to validate your feelings of her wayward behavior, but how much is it going to take before you just put yourself first. It seems like your childhood experiences have taught you to stay in unhealthy relationships even though your "self" suffers ... but you aren't that "stuck" child anymore.

StBreton, There is no question that I have been on a three month roller coaster ride and I am back to a dealing with a cheating wife. I see that she is going on the offesive to throw me off and keep me emotionally off balance, it is no wonder she likes my Mother they probably compare notes. I do realize that I have stayed in a number of unhealthy relationships in the past, not just the ones with my Mother and Wife. I will speak to my T tonight he will probably tell me wake the F up!!!!!

[Bigdaddyt]

You really don't need "more" info.

 

You have more than you needed. No need to drum up MORE of her lies and crappy behavior. No need to know "who". It could be anybody. None of it matters - what matters is that she isn't capable of being the wife you hoped she could be.

 

Letting go is critical. Surrender is useful. Surrender meaning to cease fighting. When there's no longer a battle then she is left with the destruction SHE created.

 

 

And you should lay it at her feet and simply say "this is your crap and you deal with what crap you keep inviting into our marriage...I'm done pretending like your crap is supposed to be pretty - it's not."

 

 

Then have her move. You need space to breathe. You need space to clear your mind.

 

 

Maybe a vacation alone would do you a world of good... Take care of yourself now.

S2B, You have always given me great counsel and you are always spot on, just tough to hear. I will prepare for what appears inevitable. I think my wife would want to stay married and live her open life style. It just isn't who I am.

[Bigdaddyt]

Have you ever tested your wife for drug use?

 

Her behavior looks like the behavior that an addict would have.

 

Just wondering... Have you ever known her to use drugs throughout the years (other than alcohol - which we know she uses already).

 

S2B, No she doesn't even like to take asprin, I just think she is so emotionally conflicted that it is driving her to madness. She wants both worlds and knows she cant have them. She wants to be a wife and mother and have me to provide and protect her, and she wants to be an 20 year old party girl.

[StBreton]

It does accomplish a few things that benefit her.

 

By being mean it puts you in the defensive seat! This puts things off balance to you! You end up being mind f@&$ed because she is doling out criticism. It's doled out so that you can't be in the OFFENSIVE role when you're in the defensive role at the same time!

 

So... It's useful for HER to attack you so that you run and hide...this overlooking how to be in an offensive position by calling her completely OUT on HER crap!

 

 

It works - doesn't it?

 

 

 

It's cruel! Just about as cruel as the crap your Mom does.

 

 

Not all women are like these two. You can't save them FROM THEMSELVES!

 

 

Let the women who bring you crap go!

 

 

So true OP on all accounts ... and a lot of women are not like this (though I have heard stories of some who are)

[StBreton]

StBreton, There is no question that I have been on a three month roller coaster ride and I am back to a dealing with a cheating wife. I see that she is going on the offesive to throw me off and keep me emotionally off balance, it is no wonder she likes my Mother they probably compare notes. I do realize that I have stayed in a number of unhealthy relationships in the past, not just the ones with my Mother and Wife. I will speak to my T tonight he will probably tell me wake the F up!!!!!

 

 

You are awake BDT...you're just so used to this crazy behavior you've made it ok to live with ... except you are making changes with your mom and setting new boundaries. If you removed yourself from all of it and were around complete calm for 6 months ... and went back into it...you'd see ...scratch that "feel" clearly how crazy it is ... you would spend a day with it then go back to your peaceful life. Maybe you'd go back. If a peaceful life is what you truly want. Some people thrive on this kind of life...they like the crazy. Some people get their "crazy" from high adrenaline hobbies ... like me. You just have to figure out what YOU want ... what you want YOUR life to look like. You seem like such a nice guy. Make your life what you want it to be...it's never to late to change your circumstances.

[Bigdaddyt]

S2B, Stbreton, I am waiting to go in and see my T, I am dreading telling him more about my train wreck of a life. I am going to put this all behind me quickly because it is taking a toll on me emotionally and spiritually . I am going to figure out who my wife is communicating with and what is being said. If she is again unfaithful she is gone, no matter how much I love who she was. I used to be such a strong person, I will get there again .

[StBreton]

S2B, Stbreton, I am waiting to go in and see my T, I am dreading telling him more about my train wreck of a life. I am going to put this all behind me quickly because it is taking a toll on me emotionally and spiritually . I am going to figure out who my wife is communicating with and what is being said. If she is again unfaithful she is gone, no matter how much I love who she was. I used to be such a strong person, I will get there again .

 

 

I know you will:)

 

I'm on the same path.

[StBreton]

S2B, Stbreton, I am waiting to go in and see my T, I am dreading telling him more about my train wreck of a life. I am going to put this all behind me quickly because it is taking a toll on me emotionally and spiritually . I am going to figure out who my wife is communicating with and what is being said. If she is again unfaithful she is gone, no matter how much I love who she was. I used to be such a strong person, I will get there again .

 

 

FYI BDT...from the look of that bicep...you ARE strong:)