Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[S2B]

You really don't need "more" info.

 

You have more than you needed. No need to drum up MORE of her lies and crappy behavior. No need to know "who". It could be anybody. None of it matters - what matters is that she isn't capable of being the wife you hoped she could be.

 

Letting go is critical. Surrender is useful. Surrender meaning to cease fighting. When there's no longer a battle then she is left with the destruction SHE created.

 

 

And you should lay it at her feet and simply say "this is your crap and you deal with what crap you keep inviting into our marriage...I'm done pretending like your crap is supposed to be pretty - it's not."

 

 

Then have her move. You need space to breathe. You need space to clear your mind.

 

 

Maybe a vacation alone would do you a world of good... Take care of yourself now.

[Bigdaddyt]

Hi OP ... been reading your thread and I'm really sorry to hear what you've been going through. This observation by S2B is very poignant.

 

Seems like typical gas-lighting behavior.

 

The gas-lighter (your wife) treats you badly to deflect your attention from what has occurred or destroy your sense of reality (gets you second guessing your own perceptions). It works perfectly for her because she can simultaneously deny any wrong-doing in her own mind...relieving her tension ... while getting you to feel like you need to crawl back into her good graces.

 

Reading this thread ... I see a lot of roller coaster behavior. I don't understand how a mom who goes to visit her one child while also in attendance to assist another child with college touring feels its ok to get drunk.

 

This reminds me of a friend whose ex W got drunk the night before she was to take her 18 yr old daughter to rehab the next morning at 6 a.m. !! When my friend got a call at 10 p.m. that the daughter needed to go into rehab intake at 5 a.m. instead, he called his ex to let her know of the time change. She was out with friends and drunk! That's crazy behavior.

 

I know you're going through a lot family wise, but your wife is just compounding the issues. Where is her spirit of cooperation and compassion? It seems these 2 characteristics are short lived when she does display them as others have stated...they aren't representative of her true self so she cannot sustain such behavior. A good wife will go out of her way to do as much as she can to provide peace and calm in your heart with everything that has been going on with your mom/siblings and with her.

 

Also...if your wife deleted texts...they will still show on the text records on your online bill...check online to see if she did receive/send texts. I know you want definitive proof upon definitive proof to validate your feelings of her wayward behavior, but how much is it going to take before you just put yourself first. It seems like your childhood experiences have taught you to stay in unhealthy relationships even though your "self" suffers ... but you aren't that "stuck" child anymore.

StBreton, There is no question that I have been on a three month roller coaster ride and I am back to a dealing with a cheating wife. I see that she is going on the offesive to throw me off and keep me emotionally off balance, it is no wonder she likes my Mother they probably compare notes. I do realize that I have stayed in a number of unhealthy relationships in the past, not just the ones with my Mother and Wife. I will speak to my T tonight he will probably tell me wake the F up!!!!!

[Bigdaddyt]

You really don't need "more" info.

 

You have more than you needed. No need to drum up MORE of her lies and crappy behavior. No need to know "who". It could be anybody. None of it matters - what matters is that she isn't capable of being the wife you hoped she could be.

 

Letting go is critical. Surrender is useful. Surrender meaning to cease fighting. When there's no longer a battle then she is left with the destruction SHE created.

 

 

And you should lay it at her feet and simply say "this is your crap and you deal with what crap you keep inviting into our marriage...I'm done pretending like your crap is supposed to be pretty - it's not."

 

 

Then have her move. You need space to breathe. You need space to clear your mind.

 

 

Maybe a vacation alone would do you a world of good... Take care of yourself now.

S2B, You have always given me great counsel and you are always spot on, just tough to hear. I will prepare for what appears inevitable. I think my wife would want to stay married and live her open life style. It just isn't who I am.

[S2B]

Have you ever tested your wife for drug use?

 

Her behavior looks like the behavior that an addict would have.

 

Just wondering... Have you ever known her to use drugs throughout the years (other than alcohol - which we know she uses already).

[Bigdaddyt]

Have you ever tested your wife for drug use?

 

Her behavior looks like the behavior that an addict would have.

 

Just wondering... Have you ever known her to use drugs throughout the years (other than alcohol - which we know she uses already).

 

S2B, No she doesn't even like to take asprin, I just think she is so emotionally conflicted that it is driving her to madness. She wants both worlds and knows she cant have them. She wants to be a wife and mother and have me to provide and protect her, and she wants to be an 20 year old party girl.

[StBreton]

It does accomplish a few things that benefit her.

 

By being mean it puts you in the defensive seat! This puts things off balance to you! You end up being mind f@&$ed because she is doling out criticism. It's doled out so that you can't be in the OFFENSIVE role when you're in the defensive role at the same time!

 

So... It's useful for HER to attack you so that you run and hide...this overlooking how to be in an offensive position by calling her completely OUT on HER crap!

 

 

It works - doesn't it?

 

 

 

It's cruel! Just about as cruel as the crap your Mom does.

 

 

Not all women are like these two. You can't save them FROM THEMSELVES!

 

 

Let the women who bring you crap go!

 

 

So true OP on all accounts ... and a lot of women are not like this (though I have heard stories of some who are)

[S2B]

What's wrong with her getting a dose of reality? She can work...tell her to get a job and be on her own and provide for herself.

 

She wants the party life? GIVE it to her - but make sure SHE pays her way.

 

 

If I were you - I'd stay in the house for now. Make her pack and move. Make it uncomfortable for her. You need time on your own without toxic women intruding.

 

You need time to process and heal. Keep the kids around you. Get into a routine that suits you...your comfort zone.

 

Let her loose to deal with herself.

 

 

Hunker down and start guarding yourself, your own best interest and go back to that trainer if YOU WANT TO!!! Anything your wife requested is irrelevant at this juncture!

 

This is about doing what now makes you happy!

[StBreton]

StBreton, There is no question that I have been on a three month roller coaster ride and I am back to a dealing with a cheating wife. I see that she is going on the offesive to throw me off and keep me emotionally off balance, it is no wonder she likes my Mother they probably compare notes. I do realize that I have stayed in a number of unhealthy relationships in the past, not just the ones with my Mother and Wife. I will speak to my T tonight he will probably tell me wake the F up!!!!!

 

 

You are awake BDT...you're just so used to this crazy behavior you've made it ok to live with ... except you are making changes with your mom and setting new boundaries. If you removed yourself from all of it and were around complete calm for 6 months ... and went back into it...you'd see ...scratch that "feel" clearly how crazy it is ... you would spend a day with it then go back to your peaceful life. Maybe you'd go back. If a peaceful life is what you truly want. Some people thrive on this kind of life...they like the crazy. Some people get their "crazy" from high adrenaline hobbies ... like me. You just have to figure out what YOU want ... what you want YOUR life to look like. You seem like such a nice guy. Make your life what you want it to be...it's never to late to change your circumstances.

[S2B]

She may not like aspirin but she sure looks like she may like cocaine. I'm serious; don't rule it out. It may explain a lot of things.

 

A simple drug test would show. But if it was Sunday then you gotta act quickly - traces are eliminated by testing within 3 days.

[Bigdaddyt]

S2B, Stbreton, I am waiting to go in and see my T, I am dreading telling him more about my train wreck of a life. I am going to put this all behind me quickly because it is taking a toll on me emotionally and spiritually . I am going to figure out who my wife is communicating with and what is being said. If she is again unfaithful she is gone, no matter how much I love who she was. I used to be such a strong person, I will get there again .

[StBreton]

S2B, Stbreton, I am waiting to go in and see my T, I am dreading telling him more about my train wreck of a life. I am going to put this all behind me quickly because it is taking a toll on me emotionally and spiritually . I am going to figure out who my wife is communicating with and what is being said. If she is again unfaithful she is gone, no matter how much I love who she was. I used to be such a strong person, I will get there again .

 

 

I know you will:)

 

I'm on the same path.

[S2B]

Under such extreme circumstances...I'd say you're doing better than most would.

 

 

Be kind to self.

[StBreton]

S2B, Stbreton, I am waiting to go in and see my T, I am dreading telling him more about my train wreck of a life. I am going to put this all behind me quickly because it is taking a toll on me emotionally and spiritually . I am going to figure out who my wife is communicating with and what is being said. If she is again unfaithful she is gone, no matter how much I love who she was. I used to be such a strong person, I will get there again .

 

 

FYI BDT...from the look of that bicep...you ARE strong:)

[conpron5]

I asked my youngest Sister to check on my Mother on Sunday to make sure that she was alright. She did and called me back and said that she wasn’t going to tell me this but decided she would anyway. She said that when she went to our Mothers house she noticed that the few pictures that she had of me were gone and that our Mother had replaced them with pictures of my abusive SF. My sister asked her why she had put his pictures back up after all of these years and was told that SF was our youngest brothers Father and that she wanted to make this Thanksgiving special for him, to make sure he knows how much he is loved by her and his Father. I am definitely making progress with my recovery; because a month ago I would have gone off over this, now I am just indifferent. Mother Dearest will ratchet things up when she gets no response from me on this

 

I called my Wife late Sunday who was staying another night to visit our daughter and our oldest son was visiting the same college for an overnight orientation. I called her multiple times before she answered around 10:30 pm and she was very intoxicated. I was upset and told her that her PDOC said that she could not drink on her medication. She told me that I wasn’t her Mother and that she had her girlfriend come up to stay with her so she wouldn’t be by herself. She asked me why I called, I said that I wanted to speak to my loving Wife, was she there? I told her that I was disappointed that she had been drinking on medication and that she was being rude to me on the phone, I hung up and didn’t speak to her again.

 

She came back last night and was a raging Bit_h when she got home. She picked on everything I did from not folding the towels right to me using a fork to stir coffee this morning because there were no spoons in the drawer by the coffee maker. I told her that I am sorry, but that she is being way too critical of me and I am not going to put up with it. Last night I woke up around 3:00am and my wife was in the bathroom for about twenty minutes texting.I lay in bed and waited for her to come back and fall asleep. I got up andchecked her phone there were no new texts or emails sent or received. She hadto delete both sent and received messages. Not good. I am getting a gut feeling that she may not be into R as much as I have thought. I am going to keep my mouth shut and go back into detective mode and see what I uncover.

 

I have no form of luck...........

 

Man.. I am in tears reading this!! Normal decent people don't do what your wife did. Remember how she kept lashing out at you at the beginning of the thread.

 

 

What did I tell you ? Your wife is not a good person either. You depended on her because your issues with your mother were too much to handle alone. But she is not someone trustworthy !!!

 

Just read the thread again. This woman is not worth it, even if she is not cheating.

 

 

Unfortunately, it does look like the most important women in your life are utterly toxic to you.

Edited November 11, 2015 by conpron5

[conpron5]

S2B, Stbreton, I am waiting to go in and see my T, I am dreading telling him more about my train wreck of a life. I am going to put this all behind me quickly because it is taking a toll on me emotionally and spiritually . I am going to figure out who my wife is communicating with and what is being said. If she is again unfaithful she is gone, no matter how much I love who she was. I used to be such a strong person, I will get there again .

 

Were they regular text messages ? Or chat applications ?

[merrmeade]

Last night I woke up around 3:00am and my wife was in the bathroom for about twenty minutes texting. I lay in bed and waited for her to come back and fall asleep. I got up and checked her phone there were no new texts or emails sent or received. She had to delete both sent and received messages. ... I am going to keep my mouth shut and go back into detective mode and see what I uncover.

...if your wife deleted texts...they will still show on the text records on your online bill... check online to see if she did receive/send texts.

I'm very sorry, bdt, that you're forced to deal with this and the craziness with your mother at the same time and very seriously hope you mentioned it to your T. Why not decide together which topic you spend most of the time talking about (although he'll probably leave it up to you)?

 

I'm also sorry you have to go into detective mode but agree that you do. As StB suggested, you can sign into your your cell phone provider site (assuming hers is the same) and go to text (data or SMS) for Nov. 10th, 3:00 am. See what number(s) she was chatting with. While you're at it, click at the top of the column with the phone numbers, and it will sort them. You can see which numbers are getting the most traffic. Do this for calls as well as for data (texts).

 

As for reading the deleted texts, it's possible if you download software for retrieving deleted SMS messages. You can read them on the computer after plugging her phone in.

[aliveagain]

If they can't do it in front of you they shouldn't be doing it. I haven't been on here in a little while and I am quite surprised by your newest update. Texting at 3 in the morning screams another man and secrets being kept from you. Absolutely nothing good can come from that type of behavior.

[turnera]

You're still making amazingly strong strides considering what you're dealing with. How did IC go?

[Bigdaddyt]

Were they regular text messages ? Or chat applications ?

I do not know what she is using. At night the phone will ping and light up, I will get up and check it and nothing is there, so it may be some type of instant App, but I haven't found an icon on her screen. I wonder if she can hide it. She has an Iphone 5S.

[Bigdaddyt]

You're still making amazingly strong strides considering what you're dealing with. How did IC go?

 

tunera, Therapy sucks!!!! Last night it went and my T said that he thought that I have a slight mood disorder. I wasn't happy. I told him that I do not think that I do and I believe that my depression is all from my stress from my two fronts that I am being forced to deal with. He wants to put me on medication and I told him that I am against using mind altering or anti depression medications.

 

He asked me to at least consider this, I said that I would as I look for another T.

[turnera]

BDT, come on. This guy has helped you a lot, hasn't he? Just because he sees another path for you than you want doesn't mean he's bad or wrong. Marathon, not sprint, ok? It's his job to see all possibilities for you. If you don't want drugs, just say no. And continue working on everything else.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, come on. This guy has helped you a lot, hasn't he? Just because he sees another path for you than you want doesn't mean he's bad or wrong. Marathon, not sprint, ok? It's his job to see all possibilities for you. If you don't want drugs, just say no. And continue working on everything else.

tunera, Yes he has been helpful, I still don't like him. I have been a real joy to be around lately.... I will go to him until the end of the year and see what happens. I do not like to use meds, but I have used sleeping pills when I get too exhausted to function. today I am very angry and my WW has picked up on it and is trying to be lovey dovey, I am married to Sybil.

[turnera]

Don't forget to be honest with her. That's part of your progress. Tell her you are observing. Don't tell her so as to GET something from her, just to inform her what you are thinking she is doing, and that you don't like it.

[Bigdaddyt]

Don't forget to be honest with her. That's part of your progress. Tell her you are observing. Don't tell her so as to GET something from her, just to inform her what you are thinking she is doing, and that you don't like it.

tunera, its a him I fired the old T becuase she said things to my wife in a joint session to make her think that I was possibly suicidal and hypersexual. I know that I am a pain in the azz and too sensitive. I just have too much going on and I am quick changing from a doormat to a bulldog.

[Bigdaddyt]

Don't forget to be honest with her. That's part of your progress. Tell her you are observing. Don't tell her so as to GET something from her, just to inform her what you are thinking she is doing, and that you don't like it.

Tunera, were you talking about my WW? Sorry, my mind is going a hundred MPH, I have a private HR consulting firm here at work today doing an engagement survey with the associates and financials due out today, I am sweating bullets.. I haven't said anything to my WW, I am reimplementing the 180 for sanity sake. I need to slow myself down and read the posts a couple of times before responding, I am missing too much, maybe my T is right.

Edited November 11, 2015 by Bigdaddyt