Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[drifter777]

The 180 is not something you turn off and on like the bathroom light. You are not doing a 180 until you go - and stay - completely NC AND she is served with divorce papers AND one of you leaves the family home. No excuses for not taking any of these actions or you have to just face the fact that you ARE willing to put up with her sh*t for at least the foreseeable future.

[merrmeade]

I'm just so upset for you. It's so not fair. I think maybe you were ready and hopeful that this new development with the CSA would bring out the best in her and turn the marriage around with shock treatment so to speak. But like Gorilla said, why would all these events change her deeply and permanently?

 

I'm just so sad that you're forced to act on it, and what troubles me the most is that you thought you should NOT discuss it in IC last time. Well, my dear man, that's EXACTLY where you should discuss it. Also, your T will make you face why you thought it better not to bring it up, so might as well figure that out now if you haven't already.

 

Anyway, my hope is that your T is on top of this, too. It's what he does, why he's there. You can NEVER afford to have an off-limits topic or think you should control the agenda. Uh uh. That will backfire. And so what if you're paying for his retirement because more important is you're also paying for yours - that it will be the best it can be because YOU are the best you can be.

[Bigdaddyt]

Tunera, S2B,Drifter, 66, GT, I get it!

[merrmeade]

Actually I think 66 said that about his wife, not Gorilla.

[Bigdaddyt]

I'm just so upset for you. It's so not fair. I think maybe you were ready and hopeful that this new development with the CSA would bring out the best in her and turn the marriage around with shock treatment so to speak. But like Gorilla said, why would all these events change her deeply and permanently?

 

I'm just so sad that you're forced to act on it, and what troubles me the most is that you thought you should NOT discuss it in IC last time. Well, my dear man, that's EXACTLY where you should discuss it. Also, your T will make you face why you thought it better not to bring it up, so might as well figure that out now if you haven't already.

 

Anyway, my hope is that your T is on top of this, too. It's what he does, why he's there. You can NEVER afford to have an off-limits topic or think you should control the agenda. Uh uh. That will backfire. And so what if you're paying for his retirement because more important is you're also paying for yours - that it will be the best it can be because YOU are the best you can be.

merrmeade, In IC I was extremely embarrased to tell my full story. He looked at me in shock when I told him, I thought that this guys thinks how can someone be this screwed up. Now I have to go back and tell him that my WW may be back to cheating on me>>>>>>> Sweet Jesus, this story has to get better.

I get that I can't make my WW a better person, I do believe that my quirks and behavior caused alot of this and I have also learned in IC that I may not have cheated on my WW, but my boundaries may not be as strong as they should be. I know that I should share with him as openly as I do here, but I really tried to just focus on my past CSA. Sorry to ramble.....my mind is on overload,

[turnera]

Try to remember that, when you met your wife, you were massively messed up from your childhood. And messed up people CHOOSE messed up partners (did you ever read that book Getting The Love You Want?).

 

YOU are getting help to move on from your messed-upness, but she isn't. So it kind of makes sense that she's showing her stripes again.

 

And your T isn't going to 'think' one way or another about this. He EXPECTS people to come in with problems and crappy situations. He wouldn't be in business if you didn't!

[merrmeade]

merrmeade, In IC I was extremely embarrased to tell my full story. He looked at me in shock when I told him, I thought that this guys thinks how can someone be this screwed up. Now I have to go back and tell him that my WW may be back to cheating on me>>>>>>> Sweet Jesus, this story has to get better.

I get that I can't make my WW a better person, I do believe that my quirks and behavior caused alot of this and I have also learned in IC that I may not have cheated on my WW, but my boundaries may not be as strong as they should be. I know that I should share with him as openly as I do here, but I really tried to just focus on my past CSA. Sorry to ramble.....my mind is on overload,

I can't judge your IC. So far it seems to be helping you. But one thing I DO know is that you must not let what you think his impression or "shock" as a reason to say or do anything!

 

This happened to me in IC. She started talking about my doing something that would be good for x that I'd told her. When I first brought up x, I'd been bothered by - what I perceived of as - her reaction. The second time it came up, I went home and wrote her a letter. I explained x a little but mostly said I wanted her to understand that it was important to me because of y and not because of z. The next week she apologized profusely but not because she actually had had that reaction. It was simply because of the distress I'd taken away from it. We talked about x and I felt fine that she did not 'react' to it as something wrong with me that made me feel ashamed. How could a T do that anyway? If they have biases, it won't work.

 

So my advice is clear it up. Why are you thinking he "looked at [you] in shock"? Ask him.

[Bigdaddyt]

Try to remember that, when you met your wife, you were massively messed up from your childhood. And messed up people CHOOSE messed up partners (did you ever read that book Getting The Love You Want?).

 

YOU are getting help to move on from your messed-upness, but she isn't. So it kind of makes sense that she's showing her stripes again.

 

And your T isn't going to 'think' one way or another about this. He EXPECTS people to come in with problems and crappy situations. He wouldn't be in business if you didn't!

tunera, messed-upness this must be a medical term, I use the same term but it starts with the letter F. There is no question that I did not have the proper tools in life and it caused me to make mistakes along the way. I said earlier, as screwed up as I am, I turned out to be a fairly decent person, I told my T that you would have thought that I would have turned out to be a serial killer or an addict. I will get the book, you told me this before , but I have been busy trying to figure this mess out.

[Bigdaddyt]

I can't judge your IC. So far it seems to be helping you. But one thing I DO know is that you must not let what you think his impression or "shock" as a reason to say or do anything!

 

This happened to me in IC. She started talking about my doing something that would be good for x that I'd told her. When I first brought up x, I'd been bothered by - what I perceived of as - her reaction. The second time it came up, I went home and wrote her a letter. I explained x a little but mostly said I wanted her to understand that it was important to me because of y and not because of z. The next week she apologized profusely but not because she actually had had that reaction. It was simply because of the distress I'd taken away from it. We talked about x and I felt fine that she did not 'react' to it as something wrong with me that made me feel ashamed. How could a T do that anyway? If they have biases, it won't work.

 

So my advice is clear it up. Why are you thinking he "looked at [you] in shock"? Ask him.

merrmeade, Thanks, I really have a very difficult time with trusting people, I have a great fear of being judged becuase of my past. I am doing much better , but have such a long way to go... to me it is really frightening. I wrote my first T a letter becuase i couldn't bring my self to talk or say that I was an adult CSA survivor(tunera's suggestion). This got the ball rolling, I think that I will try to write this T a letter to see his reaction.

I have read your current thread and you seem like such a really nice person, I want to slap your WH and tell him What were you thinking! Sorry

[Bigdaddyt]

From this perspective...it looks like:

 

 

She has two personalities

She plays good wife and good Mom while she's watched

She likes that you provide her that lifestyle she's accustomed to

She cheats with other men and women

She's a party girl

She's untrustworthy

She doesn't respect you or your feelings

She has little empathy

She's willing to do weather we she wants even if it causes you distress

She's a BIG pretender (same as lying)

She may prefer women but uses you as her cover up

She 'has behaviors' that are similar to a drug addict

She's used your pain of the situation with your Mom and capitalized on it to go have her own brand of fun - causing you more distress

 

 

How does the good outweigh the bad?

 

You may have become accustomed to womb behaving badly from your Moms example but it doesn't mean this needs to be your 'normal' moving forward - and moving AWAY from abuse in your future.

 

 

People from my past stopped abusing me when I stopped allowing it! I got strong enough to say NO! I learned to have a voice and speak my truth. In my past, I betrayed myself by staying silent when my gut was kicking me to DO SOMETHING instead of nothing. Nothing would have killed me! And that is when nothing is actually something.

 

 

Have a voice - speak your truth. Listen to your gut and have a solid, healthy boundary set up to take care of you.

 

 

Your wife hasn't changed. There's been no consequences for her bad behavior.

 

 

She was probably relieved you were more focused on your childhood than her cheating.

God S2B, You are trying to make me think today, I will print this off with a few more posts from today and respond back to you when I can answer. Right now all that I can say is I know that you are right, I need to stand up and say in a loud voice enough is enough. I unfortunately expect people to want to do the right things becuase they are right.

[qubist]

as crazy as this may sound, BigdaddyT you are on the right track

[Bigdaddyt]

as crazy as this may sound, BigdaddyT you are on the right track

Qubist, Thanks, the right track or the higway to Hell, I just havent figured it out as of yet!

[qubist]

Qubist, Thanks, the right track or the higway to Hell, I just havent figured it out as of yet!

no I do see improvement on you, 3 months ago you would have freak the hell out. be honest with your T. your wife is a work on progress too. just confront her, she needs it too,

Can't wait for what the next MC session brings

[turnera]

I need to stand up and say in a loud voice enough is enough. I unfortunately expect people to want to do the right things becuase they are right.

I don't think that you need to 'stand up and say' anything like enough is enough. All you need to do is start speaking your truth. "I don't like that you're hiding your phone" and walk away. If you can't handle a confrontation, btw, I advise 'drive-by statements.' I do this a lot because I HATE confrontation. You get ready to leave for work and stop, keys in hand, look at your wife, and say "It's bothering me that you are doing ABC. I don't like it." and then you just turn and leave. Let her sit there and think about it all day.

 

Speak your truths, focus on your recovery, stay away from doing things you know you shouldn't do, and just see what happens. You're in no hurry.

[Bigdaddyt]

I'm here giving you a hug!

 

 

But if I don't challenge you to consider what's in YOUR best interest or expand your thought process - what's the point of me posting?

 

S2B, Thanks for the hug, I said earlier that you give me great counsel and you are always spot on. Post away, never be worried about posting the truth. I do appreciate your comments along with everyone in LS community. I am a little dense but I am taking it all in.

Edited November 11, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[turnera]

This doesn't really accomplish much. It looks passive aggressive.

 

How about... Because you've continued to disrespect me and the marriage you've left me no choice but to end this with you - you're free to do as you please, now get out".

 

That shows action along with his dissatisfaction about her bad behavior... It also makes it clear what he's unhappy about and what he's willing to do about it.

IDK, is he ready to take that big of a step? I didn't read it that way.

[Bigdaddyt]

What's the wife doing in the evenings when you're home? What's the home life like right now?

 

And is she in counseling to help her understand about her cheating ways?

 

S2B, I know that I am going to get the hell beat out of me today because of this post, but I have always been honest with you and everyone here, even when it makes me look bad. Being a former Marine after I finish, Iwill put my helmet on and crawl into my fighting hole and wait for the incoming.

 

Last night I got home and my Wife was at CCD (Catholic Instruction) classes for my youngest and she was carpooling for the neighbor’s kids as well. I made dinner and when she got home she hugged me and immediately asked for my phone. I gave it to her and she went into the kitchen and sat down and went through all of my emails and texts and also checked my usage data. I asked her what this was about. She asked me what I did Sunday evening when she was away. I told her nothing, I did stuff around the house and I went to the gym and worked out. She asked me if my PT Allison was there and if I saw her, I said that I did see her and spoke with her, but I didn’t use her as a trainer on Sunday.

 

She asked me if I hugged her when I left the gym and I said that I did, but that we are just friends nothing else. My wife said that her girlfriends saw me with her and that we were practically making out. I saidthat is not true, I just hugged her as I left. She wanted to know if I saw herafterwards and I said no. This is the truth. I told my Wife that hergirlfriends are just looking to cause us trouble and there is no reason forthis

 

I asked my Wife about her phone use at night and her drinking on Sunday. My wife said that she was so upset that she thought that Iwas cheating with Allison that she asked her girlfriend to come up and staywith her. The late night texting she said that she is so stressed out with me that at night when I start talking or screaming in my sleep she gets afraid and goes into the bathroom until it passes and she will call or text her Mother,girlfriends or my youngest sister for support. I will verify with my Sister. Iasked her why she deletes the texts; she said that she doesn’t want me stressedout any more about this and that I told her that I don’t want to make this public.

 

I don’t know if this is the truth, but she had no time to prepare a rebuttal. My Wife told me that she is afraid that I am going to havea RA and knows how I get attached to people and it would be just about sex and that all of this is driving her crazy. She told me that I have to have no contact with Allison going forward and that it is not negotiable. She further said that I need to change gyms and that she would start going with me at the same times Last night we had sex and my Wife bit me on the chest hard and left a large black and blue mark. When I complained she said that the nexttime that Bit_h Allison saw me she would know that I was with her. I told her that she is being ridiculous, that we were not in High School. I will honor her request with Allison and yes she is in IC…. I do not physically cheat, but Iposted earlier that my IC said that my boundaries were not as strong as I had thought.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Bigdaddyt
Conversion issue from Microsoft word

[Clay]

Did you go see a counselor?

 

C

[Bigdaddyt]

Did you go see a counselor?

 

C

Clay, I am in IC for my past CSA and my on going Marital issues. She is also in IC and we both just started MC.

[Clay]

I am honestly surprised your still in your marriage. It sounds like every time you try to call her on her behavior and cheating she just turns it around to you and some how in all of this you have not put your foot down and said enough is enough.

 

My xW tried pulling this on me every time. I shut her down in seconds every time too. Your not the one doing the wrong and what ever other martial issues you have does not give her a right to continue to cheat and treat you like your the bad person.

 

C

[Bigdaddyt]

It looks like you're not leaving her no matter what.

 

 

We can't help you if you don't help yourself.

 

Best wishes. Expect more crap from her. It will never end as long as you keep her in your life. She is skilled at manipulation.

 

I hope you gain strength enough to honor yourself.

 

 

Little things mean big things - she was home all day yet YOU made dinner? Come on BDT...she's a pampered one and you keep rewarding her by requiring very little. Stop helping her screw you over.

S2B, I guess that I have been too easily manipulated over the years, where I now don't even recognize it when it happens. I can be made to feel guilty for just about anything it is an issue with me and I am working through this.I am willing to end this marriage if I have definitive proof that she is stepping outside of our marriage again. Your though is she is a very skilled liar and master manipulator, this would crush me if I can prove this now and I wouldn't be able to forgive her again. I did and do still pamper her terribly and my children.

What I don't get if she is so unhappy with me why not just leave. She would get half of evrything and about 5K amonth for life. Why stay in a marriage that makes you so unhappy? I need things to make sense . if I am so terrible a husband she should most definately leave. I am going to work to prove she is lying again and if I do I will confront her during MC next week and yes I will call it quits!!!!!!!!!

 

What is the real issue for me now is not the cheating, but in my current emotional state that if she is manipulating me again making me doubt myself in my current emotional state that is absolutely horrible and unforgiveable.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Bigdaddyt
missing sentence

[Bigdaddyt]

I am honestly surprised your still in your marriage. It sounds like every time you try to call her on her behavior and cheating she just turns it around to you and some how in all of this you have not put your foot down and said enough is enough.

 

My xW tried pulling this on me every time. I shut her down in seconds every time too. Your not the one doing the wrong and what ever other martial issues you have does not give her a right to continue to cheat and treat you like your the bad person.

 

C

Clay, I am too,it has been hard for me to let go. I did before and got reeled back in. False R

[Clay]

Your not alone. I suffered and yes I say suffered for ten years with my xW. She pulled all the same garbage. There is going to come a time when you break and that day will not be good for you or anyone else. This is why its best to do all these other things like 180.

 

Your not alone. You just need to know when to say STOP.

 

Don't give up on yourself.

 

C

[Bigdaddyt]

Your not alone. I suffered and yes I say suffered for ten years with my xW. She pulled all the same garbage. There is going to come a time when you break and that day will not be good for you or anyone else. This is why its best to do all these other things like 180.

 

Your not alone. You just need to know when to say STOP.

 

Don't give up on yourself.

 

C

 

Clay, I want this to stop, I am burned out, this thread, this story have gone on too long. I do see that the red flags are still here, my Wife is a SAHM and the house is always a mess, unless I get someone to come in and clean it or I clean it, not able to make dinner. While I work 12 hour days. I am going to take off work tomorrow and surprise her at home. My son gets on the bus at 9:00am so I will stop by around 10:30am and see if she is keeping company, if it is a man I will probably need to get bailed out of jail.

[Bigdaddyt]

Go back and read the thread from the start.

 

Her pattern is there. Your evidence is there. Yet you need more?

 

And she will always create drama when you change her lifestyle. Expect it.

 

 

Read the evidence you've given - you don't need more - she hasn't changed at all. She's got you making dinner and pampering her while she stays home all day long. Then has the nerve to accuse YOU! Then smooths it over by manipulating more with sex.

 

And you bought in to all of it by thinking you did something wrong. She wins!

 

She's the master manipulator!

 

 

You stay and get more of what you're familiar with.

S2B, I get it, I do not like to reread my posts, it is a quirk about me. I advised Clay that the red flags are there and tomorrow I plan to stop in unannounced. My Wife always tells me to call when I am leaving work so she knows what time to have dinner. Dinner is usually not ready. Red Flag? I am a dumb azz.