Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

Your not alone. I suffered and yes I say suffered for ten years with my xW. She pulled all the same garbage. There is going to come a time when you break and that day will not be good for you or anyone else. This is why its best to do all these other things like 180.

 

Your not alone. You just need to know when to say STOP.

 

Don't give up on yourself.

 

C

 

Clay, I want this to stop, I am burned out, this thread, this story have gone on too long. I do see that the red flags are still here, my Wife is a SAHM and the house is always a mess, unless I get someone to come in and clean it or I clean it, not able to make dinner. While I work 12 hour days. I am going to take off work tomorrow and surprise her at home. My son gets on the bus at 9:00am so I will stop by around 10:30am and see if she is keeping company, if it is a man I will probably need to get bailed out of jail.

[Bigdaddyt]

Go back and read the thread from the start.

 

Her pattern is there. Your evidence is there. Yet you need more?

 

And she will always create drama when you change her lifestyle. Expect it.

 

 

Read the evidence you've given - you don't need more - she hasn't changed at all. She's got you making dinner and pampering her while she stays home all day long. Then has the nerve to accuse YOU! Then smooths it over by manipulating more with sex.

 

And you bought in to all of it by thinking you did something wrong. She wins!

 

She's the master manipulator!

 

 

You stay and get more of what you're familiar with.

S2B, I get it, I do not like to reread my posts, it is a quirk about me. I advised Clay that the red flags are there and tomorrow I plan to stop in unannounced. My Wife always tells me to call when I am leaving work so she knows what time to have dinner. Dinner is usually not ready. Red Flag? I am a dumb azz.

[Buckeye2]

The red flags are there and tomorrow I plan to stop in unannounced. My Wife always tells me to call when I am leaving work so she knows what time to have dinner. Dinner is usually not ready. Red Flag? I am a dumb azz.

 

That may be the one day she's alone. Then she's on notice that you may come in early from then on. Look for a car, look in the window or put a VAR in your house. Don't just walk in.

[eric1]

I agree that placing a VAR or two around the house is a better strategy than surprising her. It will also catch any phone calls that she is making, which wouldn't occur in your presence.

[S2B]

I have a hard time understanding why you need to catch her in the act.

 

 

With the way she's recently treated you - she's not showing signs of repairing the damage she's caused. She's gas lighting you because she's up to her old tricks again.

 

Since she's not being a good wife there's no sense in holding that space open for her hoping she suddenly becomes a better person.

 

 

She took your phone because SHE is guilty and was trying to deflect HER cheating. It worked didn't it!

 

 

See the trainer! Tell your wife she's not the boss of you anymore.

 

Stop playing into her cruel hand she keeps dealing you.

 

Change the rules on her.

[Bigdaddyt]

I have a hard time understanding why you need to catch her in the act.

 

 

With the way she's recently treated you - she's not showing signs of repairing the damage she's caused. She's gas lighting you because she's up to her old tricks again.

 

Since she's not being a good wife there's no sense in holding that space open for her hoping she suddenly becomes a better person.

 

 

She took your phone because SHE is guilty and was trying to deflect HER cheating. It worked didn't it!

 

 

See the trainer! Tell your wife she's not the boss of you anymore.

 

Stop playing into her cruel hand she keeps dealing you.

 

Change the rules on her.

 

S2B, Catching her in the act makes my choice easy . I am reevaluating my current marriage and I can see I am doing everything and getting very little in return. Allison has always been very kind and a great friend to me. If I were single we would be together, no doubt. I however wouldn't cheat; because it wouldn't be fair to any of us. If my marriage fails it will be because of its current state not because I found someone else . Yes , my Wife going on the offensive always worked in the past, but now I see it for what it is .

Edited November 12, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[qubist]

BigdaddyT: you are making the same mistake all over again. You are spending too much energy on your wife's issues, at the moment you should focusing on yourself the wife stuff can wait. I suggest you stay away from Allison right now. Do not go out of your way invistigating what your wife is doing just be frank with her like when she was texting in the middle of the night you should have confronted her right there remember she is still a work on progress too.

Take care of yourself, trust your therapist. Once you feel better you can address the issues with your wife

[66Charger]

The only mistake he made was listening to people telling him to rugsweep this mess.

 

Who is causing all the problems? And he should ignore it and talk to her frankly? Tell her she has hurt his feelings. Surely she will fall to her knees and beg forgiveness and never do it again..

 

Good luck with that one.

 

She is not a work in progress..

 

She is your nightmare.

[turnera]

She took your phone because SHE is guilty and was trying to deflect HER cheating. It worked didn't it!

That's exactly what I thought, reading that.

 

That said, if you're saying THAT about Allison, you KNOW you have to stay away from her.

[HereNorThere]

96 pages, zero changes.-

 

"What you allow is what will continue"

[S2B]

96 pages, zero changes.-

 

"What you allow is what will continue"

 

That's how I feel about it today. Feels like she wins the battle - she keeps him in his usual position by bullying him.

 

It's like watching a guy get the crap beaten out of him and he doesn't stand up and fight FOR HIMSELF.

 

She holds all the power.

 

The only thing to change it now is to shift the power from her to you BDT.

 

 

She's had no consequences and she will continue to cheat otherwise.

 

When she stripped of ALL her luxuries she knows now - she MIGHT get that she's done you terribly wrong.

[kgcolonel]

Hang in there BDT.....trust your instincts!!

[sandylee1]

Your wife has such a hold on you it's crazy.

 

On the PT ....you should have said you'll continue to use that gym and if she doesn't wish to negotiate..then she can file. She bluffs and manipulates you like crazy......you keep falling for it.

 

She has you right where she wants you. She'll continue abusing you in her own special way.

 

Why don't you seperate and get some clear thinking space. She's smothering you and she outsmarts you when it comes to putting you in place......I mean biting you. .....tell her to never do that again...it's your body. You're not standing up for yourself here. Take control and get away from her.

 

Maybe hugging a woman who she clearly sees as a threat was not a wise move..but see how she demands your phone. ..yet you've no idea what she said and to whom.

 

She's in untrustworthy and she was glad the CSA distracted from her cheating...plain and simple .

[S2B]

The abuse may be your normal from your family of origin - that you don't even realize your wife is doing it to you too... Just in a sneaker way.

 

It is NOT normal when it's a healthy relationship.

 

You need action and to start having a voice.

 

No more mr nice guy, remember?

 

 

 

I don't think your wife ever has plans to become faithful. Why should you continue supporting her when she berates you, betrays you and manipulates you into thinking 'youve' done something wrong?

 

 

You should see whichever trainer you choose! Don't allow her to stifle you even more!

 

 

 

Why did you unfile your divorce papers? She NEVER showed signs of making progress. Real progress takes 9-12 months at the least to show sincere changes from the cheater.

Edited November 13, 2015 by S2B

[Bigdaddyt]

The abuse may be your normal from your family of origin - that you don't even realize your wife is doing it to you too... Just in a sneaker way.

 

It is NOT normal when it's a healthy relationship.

 

You need action and to start having a voice.

 

No more mr nice guy, remember?

 

 

 

I don't think your wife ever has plans to become faithful. Why should you continue supporting her when she berates you, betrays you and manipulates you into thinking 'youve' done something wrong?

 

 

You should see whichever trainer you choose! Don't allow her to stifle you even more!

 

 

 

Why did you unfile your divorce papers? She NEVER showed signs of making progress. Real progress takes 9-12 months at the least to show sincere changes from the cheater.

 

Jesus, I have lumps from that beating. I won’t say that it wasn’t deserved entirely. 96 pages three months no progress, BS I made a journey of a million miles on this thread. I have had to face my past and all of my demons to get where I am now, and I am getting better. My Wife is controlling and she does have a lotof control over me; I am just now seeing it. She knows me so well that she knowshow far that she can push me until I push back and then she turns on herkindness and sex to get her way. I am easy for her to manipulate, I was trained for years by the master (my Mother) and I created this monster by being the posterboy for Mister Nice Guy

 

My FOO was so FKd up that verbal and physical abuse was my norm. Today I don’t pick up on what most here would think is intolerable. I am working on this in T and just now understanding this. If a man would speak to me in this fashion it would not end well, but my wife has such a strong hold onme that I have learned to overlook this for years.

 

I am not going to go anywhere with Allison, she is too nice to get tied up with me and my current mess. I can see where people have RA and exit affairs, they are not right, but it makes the pain so much easier

 

I told my Wife last night that I want to separate for aperiod of three months and continue IC and MC to see if this is possible to fixour marriage. I said that I am not myself and unable to make good choices based on my lack of interpersonal skills and past abuse. She was very upset and toldme that I wasn’t going anywhere and that she would never allow me to D her orbe with someone else. I told her that I am such a mess that I cannot differentiatebetween what she is telling me is real and what my gut is telling me is the actual truth. I am going to meet with my T on Monday and tell him my thoughts. Sorry to disappoint you but I am really doing my best that I can. I do believe that I am getting things together, one fight at a time.

Edited November 13, 2015 by Bigdaddyt
Grammar

[66Charger]

I think you are doing the best you can.

Thats why you come here to get your thrashing.

Just keep posting. The world will change.

[S2B]

I know you're doing your best under terrible circumstances.

 

I was pointing out what was obvious to me knowing it may not be obvious to you.

 

 

Sorry if I hurt you in stating the obvious. I know you don't need more pain.

 

 

I can stop posting what's obvious to me if you want that.

[Bigdaddyt]

I know you're doing your best under terrible circumstances.

 

I was pointing out what was obvious to me knowing it may not be obvious to you.

 

 

Sorry if I hurt you in stating the obvious. I know you don't need more pain.

 

 

I can stop posting what's obvious to me if you want that.

S2B, No I don't want you to quit posting, I consider you a friend and I need to hear the truth. I want to Thank You for your support and compassion you have shown me here. Do not change who you are or what you think is right. I am a big boy and I will get over this, I am getting stronger everyday. I know that what my Wife is doing is ridiculously obvious to everyone here, but me...

 

I have had the crapped kicked out of me in life , but I am still standing and this mess is the last piece of the puzzle that I need to fix and I will fix it. I need to hear the unadulterated truth if I am going to move forward in my crazy life. Thanks LS

[S2B]

Ok then....

 

 

YOU told her you want to separate. You don't need her approval! This decision is for YOU - your best interest - your sanity! Tell her she doesn't get to decide any more.

 

Now... What action are you taking to make that decision a reality? A decision with no action is useless.

 

 

I think you will be able to gain more clarity and work through things better if you are living for a while separately from your wife's extreme manipulation.

 

 

Making decisions that are best for you...I fully support that!

 

 

Stay strong and take charge of YOUR life! You can do this!

[Bigdaddyt]

Ok then....

 

 

YOU told her you want to separate. You don't need her approval! This decision is for YOU - your best interest - your sanity! Tell her she doesn't get to decide any more.

 

Now... What action are you taking to make that decision a reality? A decision with no action is useless.

 

 

I think you will be able to gain more clarity and work through things better if you are living for a while separately from your wife's extreme manipulation.

 

 

Making decisions that are best for you...I fully support that!

 

 

Stay strong and take charge of YOUR life! You can do this!

S2B, I am going to be the one that moves out this time, I am going to look for a place tomorrow and will probably move out this week. I just need some down time to sort this out my Wife is relentless and is afraid to loose her control of me.

[S2B]

S2B, I am going to be the one that moves out this time, I am going to look for a place tomorrow and will probably move out this week. I just need some down time to sort this out my Wife is relentless and is afraid to loose her control of me.

 

Good reason to plant cameras and var in the house before you move out!

 

 

And did you find out from your phone records what she actually texted that night? Find your evidence.

[aliveagain]

BDT I think your plan is a good one. Make sure you check with a lawyer first so you are not deemed to be abandoning your family, find a place that rents month to month, no signing a one year lease. You need time to think things through without her manipulation. Remember, it was a scared kid who couldn't defend himself that got abused, your not that kid now.

 

Your wife lost her right to influence your decisions regarding the marriage when she started fu*king other men and women, she voided your contract. You need time away from her so you can decide if you want a new contract with her, which has nothing to do with the marriage you had. When she voided your contract she lost her right to tell you who could and couldn't be your personal trainer because at this time you haven't agreed to the terms of a new contract a contract that will include a brutal post nuptial agreement.

 

She still thinks that your going to sweep this under the rug and that somehow she has the control over you leaving the marriage. Just weeks ago when she was still dating and hanging out with her bar friends she threatened you with divorce so she could keep you in the marriage while continuing to do whatever she wanted to with other men. Yes you've come a long way, don't give her back control, decide what it is that is best for you then act on it. You need to be away from her and your mother so you can make the right decisions. Stay strong friend.

[turnera]

Make sure you buy that VAR today on the way home. Keep it charged and in your pocket ALWAYS.

 

Do you have a safe place you can go to when she starts stalking you or getting in your face? She will not let go willingly. Expect the worst. Go to a friend's place where she can't just walk in. Do NOT give her a key to your apartment.

[Bigdaddyt]

I have two VAR one I keep with me and one I was planting in the car or in the house. I will have to tough this out until I can make my move. I will speak with my attorney, but I was told before that me leaving isn't going to matter as long as I pay the bills and provide for the family financially. I live in a no fault state.

[66Charger]

One of the things that really sticks out is her reply to your moving out.

She wont ALLOW you to divorce her.

She wont ALLOW you to love someone else.

She can have sex with someone else, but you cant.

 

In her eyes, you are a possession. Not a man to be respected, but a dog to be owned that rolls over and obeys when slapped. However.....

 

If you constantly beat/mistreat a dog, the dog will do one of three things.

 

1) roll over and die.

2) run away and find another owner that will treat them well.

3) bite you back

 

No sense in dying. Number 2 and 3 sounds like good options to me.

 

You are on your way to your Second Life. Relax and go with it.