Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Buckeye2]

The red flags are there and tomorrow I plan to stop in unannounced. My Wife always tells me to call when I am leaving work so she knows what time to have dinner. Dinner is usually not ready. Red Flag? I am a dumb azz.

 

That may be the one day she's alone. Then she's on notice that you may come in early from then on. Look for a car, look in the window or put a VAR in your house. Don't just walk in.

[eric1]

I agree that placing a VAR or two around the house is a better strategy than surprising her. It will also catch any phone calls that she is making, which wouldn't occur in your presence.

[Bigdaddyt]

I have a hard time understanding why you need to catch her in the act.

 

 

With the way she's recently treated you - she's not showing signs of repairing the damage she's caused. She's gas lighting you because she's up to her old tricks again.

 

Since she's not being a good wife there's no sense in holding that space open for her hoping she suddenly becomes a better person.

 

 

She took your phone because SHE is guilty and was trying to deflect HER cheating. It worked didn't it!

 

 

See the trainer! Tell your wife she's not the boss of you anymore.

 

Stop playing into her cruel hand she keeps dealing you.

 

Change the rules on her.

 

S2B, Catching her in the act makes my choice easy . I am reevaluating my current marriage and I can see I am doing everything and getting very little in return. Allison has always been very kind and a great friend to me. If I were single we would be together, no doubt. I however wouldn't cheat; because it wouldn't be fair to any of us. If my marriage fails it will be because of its current state not because I found someone else . Yes , my Wife going on the offensive always worked in the past, but now I see it for what it is .

Edited November 12, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[qubist]

BigdaddyT: you are making the same mistake all over again. You are spending too much energy on your wife's issues, at the moment you should focusing on yourself the wife stuff can wait. I suggest you stay away from Allison right now. Do not go out of your way invistigating what your wife is doing just be frank with her like when she was texting in the middle of the night you should have confronted her right there remember she is still a work on progress too.

Take care of yourself, trust your therapist. Once you feel better you can address the issues with your wife

[66Charger]

The only mistake he made was listening to people telling him to rugsweep this mess.

 

Who is causing all the problems? And he should ignore it and talk to her frankly? Tell her she has hurt his feelings. Surely she will fall to her knees and beg forgiveness and never do it again..

 

Good luck with that one.

 

She is not a work in progress..

 

She is your nightmare.

[turnera]

She took your phone because SHE is guilty and was trying to deflect HER cheating. It worked didn't it!

That's exactly what I thought, reading that.

 

That said, if you're saying THAT about Allison, you KNOW you have to stay away from her.

[HereNorThere]

96 pages, zero changes.-

 

"What you allow is what will continue"

[kgcolonel]

Hang in there BDT.....trust your instincts!!

[sandylee1]

Your wife has such a hold on you it's crazy.

 

On the PT ....you should have said you'll continue to use that gym and if she doesn't wish to negotiate..then she can file. She bluffs and manipulates you like crazy......you keep falling for it.

 

She has you right where she wants you. She'll continue abusing you in her own special way.

 

Why don't you seperate and get some clear thinking space. She's smothering you and she outsmarts you when it comes to putting you in place......I mean biting you. .....tell her to never do that again...it's your body. You're not standing up for yourself here. Take control and get away from her.

 

Maybe hugging a woman who she clearly sees as a threat was not a wise move..but see how she demands your phone. ..yet you've no idea what she said and to whom.

 

She's in untrustworthy and she was glad the CSA distracted from her cheating...plain and simple .

[Bigdaddyt]

The abuse may be your normal from your family of origin - that you don't even realize your wife is doing it to you too... Just in a sneaker way.

 

It is NOT normal when it's a healthy relationship.

 

You need action and to start having a voice.

 

No more mr nice guy, remember?

 

 

 

I don't think your wife ever has plans to become faithful. Why should you continue supporting her when she berates you, betrays you and manipulates you into thinking 'youve' done something wrong?

 

 

You should see whichever trainer you choose! Don't allow her to stifle you even more!

 

 

 

Why did you unfile your divorce papers? She NEVER showed signs of making progress. Real progress takes 9-12 months at the least to show sincere changes from the cheater.

 

Jesus, I have lumps from that beating. I won’t say that it wasn’t deserved entirely. 96 pages three months no progress, BS I made a journey of a million miles on this thread. I have had to face my past and all of my demons to get where I am now, and I am getting better. My Wife is controlling and she does have a lotof control over me; I am just now seeing it. She knows me so well that she knowshow far that she can push me until I push back and then she turns on herkindness and sex to get her way. I am easy for her to manipulate, I was trained for years by the master (my Mother) and I created this monster by being the posterboy for Mister Nice Guy

 

My FOO was so FKd up that verbal and physical abuse was my norm. Today I don’t pick up on what most here would think is intolerable. I am working on this in T and just now understanding this. If a man would speak to me in this fashion it would not end well, but my wife has such a strong hold onme that I have learned to overlook this for years.

 

I am not going to go anywhere with Allison, she is too nice to get tied up with me and my current mess. I can see where people have RA and exit affairs, they are not right, but it makes the pain so much easier

 

I told my Wife last night that I want to separate for aperiod of three months and continue IC and MC to see if this is possible to fixour marriage. I said that I am not myself and unable to make good choices based on my lack of interpersonal skills and past abuse. She was very upset and toldme that I wasn’t going anywhere and that she would never allow me to D her orbe with someone else. I told her that I am such a mess that I cannot differentiatebetween what she is telling me is real and what my gut is telling me is the actual truth. I am going to meet with my T on Monday and tell him my thoughts. Sorry to disappoint you but I am really doing my best that I can. I do believe that I am getting things together, one fight at a time.

Edited November 13, 2015 by Bigdaddyt
Grammar

[66Charger]

I think you are doing the best you can.

Thats why you come here to get your thrashing.

Just keep posting. The world will change.

[Bigdaddyt]

I know you're doing your best under terrible circumstances.

 

I was pointing out what was obvious to me knowing it may not be obvious to you.

 

 

Sorry if I hurt you in stating the obvious. I know you don't need more pain.

 

 

I can stop posting what's obvious to me if you want that.

S2B, No I don't want you to quit posting, I consider you a friend and I need to hear the truth. I want to Thank You for your support and compassion you have shown me here. Do not change who you are or what you think is right. I am a big boy and I will get over this, I am getting stronger everyday. I know that what my Wife is doing is ridiculously obvious to everyone here, but me...

 

I have had the crapped kicked out of me in life , but I am still standing and this mess is the last piece of the puzzle that I need to fix and I will fix it. I need to hear the unadulterated truth if I am going to move forward in my crazy life. Thanks LS

[Bigdaddyt]

Ok then....

 

 

YOU told her you want to separate. You don't need her approval! This decision is for YOU - your best interest - your sanity! Tell her she doesn't get to decide any more.

 

Now... What action are you taking to make that decision a reality? A decision with no action is useless.

 

 

I think you will be able to gain more clarity and work through things better if you are living for a while separately from your wife's extreme manipulation.

 

 

Making decisions that are best for you...I fully support that!

 

 

Stay strong and take charge of YOUR life! You can do this!

S2B, I am going to be the one that moves out this time, I am going to look for a place tomorrow and will probably move out this week. I just need some down time to sort this out my Wife is relentless and is afraid to loose her control of me.

[aliveagain]

BDT I think your plan is a good one. Make sure you check with a lawyer first so you are not deemed to be abandoning your family, find a place that rents month to month, no signing a one year lease. You need time to think things through without her manipulation. Remember, it was a scared kid who couldn't defend himself that got abused, your not that kid now.

 

Your wife lost her right to influence your decisions regarding the marriage when she started fu*king other men and women, she voided your contract. You need time away from her so you can decide if you want a new contract with her, which has nothing to do with the marriage you had. When she voided your contract she lost her right to tell you who could and couldn't be your personal trainer because at this time you haven't agreed to the terms of a new contract a contract that will include a brutal post nuptial agreement.

 

She still thinks that your going to sweep this under the rug and that somehow she has the control over you leaving the marriage. Just weeks ago when she was still dating and hanging out with her bar friends she threatened you with divorce so she could keep you in the marriage while continuing to do whatever she wanted to with other men. Yes you've come a long way, don't give her back control, decide what it is that is best for you then act on it. You need to be away from her and your mother so you can make the right decisions. Stay strong friend.

[turnera]

Make sure you buy that VAR today on the way home. Keep it charged and in your pocket ALWAYS.

 

Do you have a safe place you can go to when she starts stalking you or getting in your face? She will not let go willingly. Expect the worst. Go to a friend's place where she can't just walk in. Do NOT give her a key to your apartment.

[Bigdaddyt]

I have two VAR one I keep with me and one I was planting in the car or in the house. I will have to tough this out until I can make my move. I will speak with my attorney, but I was told before that me leaving isn't going to matter as long as I pay the bills and provide for the family financially. I live in a no fault state.

[66Charger]

One of the things that really sticks out is her reply to your moving out.

She wont ALLOW you to divorce her.

She wont ALLOW you to love someone else.

She can have sex with someone else, but you cant.

 

In her eyes, you are a possession. Not a man to be respected, but a dog to be owned that rolls over and obeys when slapped. However.....

 

If you constantly beat/mistreat a dog, the dog will do one of three things.

 

1) roll over and die.

2) run away and find another owner that will treat them well.

3) bite you back

 

No sense in dying. Number 2 and 3 sounds like good options to me.

 

You are on your way to your Second Life. Relax and go with it.

[Bigdaddyt]

One of the things that really sticks out is her reply to your moving out.

She wont ALLOW you to divorce her.

She wont ALLOW you to love someone else.

She can have sex with someone else, but you cant.

 

In her eyes, you are a possession. Not a man to be respected, but a dog to be owned that rolls over and obeys when slapped. However.....

 

If you constantly beat/mistreat a dog, the dog will do one of three things.

 

1) roll over and die.

2) run away and find another owner that will treat them well.

3) bite you back

 

No sense in dying. Number 2 and 3 sounds like good options to me.

 

You are on your way to your Second Life. Relax and go with it.

 

66, your post made me laugh, I posted a month or more ago that she does treat me like property and not as a husband. She doesn't want to lose me but she always wants to be in absolute control. I think your right option 2 or 3.

[sandylee1]

There's an awful lot of entitlement in her. When go back to how she said she thought you were having an affair... I call BS on that. There is no way she wouldn't have sought proof and made your life hell. She's way to controlling to do nothing.

 

On what planet does she think her permission is required for divorce ?? Not planet earth.

 

The control HAS TO STOP. Don't stand her nonsensical behaviour.

 

I hope you do seperate.....I'm not sure you'll go through with it...but I hope do. You need a clear head and breathing space.

[merrmeade]

S2B, No I don't want you to quit posting, I consider you a friend and I need to hear the truth. I want to Thank You for your support and compassion you have shown me here. Do not change who you are or what you think is right. I am a big boy and I will get over this, I am getting stronger everyday. I know that what my Wife is doing is ridiculously obvious to everyone here, but me...

 

I have had the crapped kicked out of me in life , but I am still standing and this mess is the last piece of the puzzle that I need to fix and I will fix it. I need to hear the unadulterated truth if I am going to move forward in my crazy life. Thanks LS

 

I was pointing out what was obvious to me knowing it may not be obvious to you.

 

Sorry if I hurt you in stating the obvious. I know you don't need more pain.

 

I can stop posting what's obvious to me if you want that.

 

S2B, I could have saved myself a lot of money and just had you as my counselor.

 

I'd like to point out the obvious here, BDT.

1 - You are super, super vulnerable right now.

2 - People in your position can be more easily influenced, especially by others with strong agendas.

3 - We don't really know anyone on LS.

4 - You said you didn't want to tell your T about what happened with your wife, which means you're processing all of the wife stuff here.

 

BDT, please don't make anyone on LS your counselor. You have one, and imho you shouldn't hide anything from him.

 

This is an anonymous forum. You don't know anything about any of us and 'it's obvious' to me that you tend to trust and respect everyone. I think you should protect yourself from letting anyone 'take charge' of your 'program.' It is also 'obvious' to me that threatening to go away and stop posting is a ploy to make you feel guilty and beholden. Also, a red flag should go up for you when anyone, who's not a professional, doesn't live with you and only recently joined the site, claims to know the truth and is "stating the obvious" about you, your life and the people in it. Just don't let LS be the last word for you regarding your many decisions and issues.

Edited November 14, 2015 by merrmeade
Forgot to state the obvious ...

[sandylee1]

Then why don't you offer a few suggestions to him? Ideas he can implement that might invoke some changes...

 

He's given evidence that he's been betrayed for most of his life - by his Mom and then by his wife.

 

 

Suggesting nothing is much the same as not offering help to a severely wounded animal. You just going to watch it die without trying to help?

 

 

That's what we do here = offer ideas and suggestions that have changed our lives.

 

 

Sitting back and nodding in silence isn't 'helpful' on a forum that uses words to portray ideas that may help.

 

 

BDT is in severe pain from past and present trauma. The ideas he implements to change his circumstance could change things for his best interest.

 

Leaving things the same is a guarantee that he gets more of what he's used to = control, manipulation and lies from the women in his life.

 

 

I do take a firm stand on people being treated decently. If you intend to criticize me for helping then you throw out some ideas that might help him.

 

I agree with this.

 

People here have no malice and only want the best for you BDT. Some people continue to live with wives who cheat and take advantage....and we don't want that for you.

 

We respond to what you say and we see your wife's behaviour as neutral people. We can be very objective and while we have different views...... you'll get different responses from those who were betrayed and stayed either once or more. I don't know you...but you sound like a good man. ...whose wife has been manipulative for a long time. I would hate for that to continue. ....don't let her keep taking advantage

 

We offer support. .....and our views...that's the purpose of this forum.

[conpron5]

Did you check the phone records ?

[flowergirl14]

You sound quite a lot like myself. Always on the fence about what to do? I remember going to a psychologist in the early days after dday. This woman said Im not going to tell you what to do. This really irritated me because Im indecisive as heck. Im a second guesser too. Obviously we post and read on these forums for advice and prospective. However, it really has to come from within. I also had another counselor in the very early days tell me to line up my ducks and run! I wasnt ready to hear that. Time has been the only thing that has worked for me because my views of my personal situation and infidelity in general have evolved a lot! Whatever decisions you do make...Think of them as the best ones for you at this time given the information you know. If they are wrong well you did your best and maybe learned something from them!

[Bigdaddyt]

I am listening to everyone opinions and thoughts on my thread. I do appreciate your input and support. I do believe that everyone has my best interest at heart. I alone will determine what is best for me and my family. That said, I am ceratin that my wife has found this thread by her comments and actions.

 

We actually had a good night on Friday, but had a major fight on Saturday. I told her that I would be taking an assignment in Chicago for about six weeks for my work. She packed her bags and said that she was leaving , but didnt and went out with my oldest son who was having a meltdown(being disrespectful to her). We didn't speak until last night, when we went to a neighbors house for drinks.

 

I am going to my T today and I will talk with him about my current situation, I just know that we can not go on like this anylonger, it will destroy both of us and also damage the children.

[aliveagain]

BDT, like Dr. Phil always says, "It's better to be from a broken home then live in one." Six weeks away from each other may be the best thing for both of you. This will give you time to think clearly without too much influence/manipulation from her. She on the other hand will be thinking with a cheaters mindset which is to assume that your going away to have a revenge affair because if she cheats when away from you than so will you cheat when away from her. What will her behaviour be while you are away, does it really matter at this time? That's a big part of the issue, trust.