Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

I am going to replace my Iphone this weekend, I figured that it was downloaded with some sort of spyware, but I can't find it on the phone. The battery drains very quickly, my data useage has doubled, and I have received text messages from an unknown subscriber with no message or text attached.

 

I am going to sit down with her tonight and ask her what it is that she wants. This is just getting too weird between us, I must have this break to reflect on the past twenty years together. She once was my best friend in the world, but somewhere things went South on us.

 

i am getting myself together and I am in a much better place than I was. Two hours until I see my T should be an interesting night, I will update tomorrow.

[S2B]

Ya, why didn't you carry her bags to get car and send her off?

 

You have choices here BDT...why aren't you taking the opportunities to get her out when she's willing to run?

 

 

I know it was a ploy on her behalf but you could have moved it forward at that time by saying "I'll help you get out, I deserve better than what you've given me".

[S2B]

Ask her what she wants?

 

 

Why are you still handing her all of YOUR power?

 

 

She's royally screwed you over and you still hand HER that choice? That's the problem - YOU need to decide YOURSELF.

 

 

Ask her to screw you over MORE? Dang, why not beg her to keep using you? You provide her a life free of money worries while she has affairs with men and women.

 

And when she doesn't cook or clean you come home and fix that for her too.

 

 

 

Millions of women would love that life - and they wouldn't use you as their cover up and make fun of you behind your back.

 

 

When will you stand up for yourself against abuse? What would it take for you to actually say "no more!"???

[turnera]

I am going to replace my Iphone this weekend, I figured that it was downloaded with some sort of spyware, but I can't find it on the phone. The battery drains very quickly, my data useage has doubled, and I have received text messages from an unknown subscriber with no message or text attached.

 

I am going to sit down with her tonight and ask her what it is that she wants.

When you do that, and you listen to what she says, if she says she wants to stay married, THEN you tell her exactly what it will take for YOU to stay. No passwords, GPS on phone and car, MC/IC, etc.

[S2B]

When you do that, and you listen to what she says, if she says she wants to stay married, THEN you tell her exactly what it will take for YOU to stay. No passwords, GPS on phone and car, MC/IC, etc.

 

She's already had that opportunity. Even said she cut out all her friends...only to know that she didn't do what she promised.

 

 

How many chances does he give her to lie? She tells him what he wants to hear and then does whatever she wants behind his back.

 

 

When the words don't match the action = there's a lie or lies in the mix.

 

 

 

It is what it is. He either takes steps to change it for himself or he leaves it the same knowing he's going to get more of what she always does = cheat and lie and cover it up by blame shifting to make him feel like he's not in the drivers seat.

 

 

Marriage counseling? How can that help when one spouse isn't honest and looks to be narcissistic?

[Bigdaddyt]

Ask her what she wants?

 

 

Why are you still handing her all of YOUR power?

 

 

She's royally screwed you over and you still hand HER that choice? That's the problem - YOU need to decide YOURSELF.

 

 

Ask her to screw you over MORE? Dang, why not beg her to keep using you? You provide her a life free of money worries while she has affairs with men and women.

 

And when she doesn't cook or clean you come home and fix that for her too.

 

 

 

Millions of women would love that life - and they wouldn't use you as their cover up and make fun of you behind your back.

 

 

When will you stand up for yourself against abuse? What would it take for you to actually say "no more!"???

 

S2B, When I say that I want to know what she wants, I want to figure out what is going on in her head... I am taking a break to gain clarity and make preparations to move on as necessary . I really am feeling like I actually have this under control now and I am at peace with it. I am still too nice, I get it. Will update tomorrow wish me luck. BDT

[S2B]

S2B, When I say that I want to know what she wants, I want to figure out what is going on in her head... I am taking a break to gain clarity and make preparations to move on as necessary . I really am feeling like I actually have this under control now and I am at peace with it. I am still too nice, I get it. Will update tomorrow wish me luck. BDT

 

A gal like her is never going to tell you what they are really thinking.

 

 

This expectation isn't realistic.

 

 

 

You really expect her to say "hey, I want a free life where you support me financially and allow me to screw whoever I want and every time we have disagreements I'll run away and party with my friends even more."

 

 

Ya, that's not gonna happen.

[Confusioncreepsin]

THERE MUST BE A PONY IN HERE, SOMEWHERE - Sorting Your Way Through the BPD Madness!

[qubist]

THERE MUST BE A PONY IN HERE, SOMEWHERE - Sorting Your Way Through the BPD Madness!

 

Wow thanks for sharing this. lot of this applies to BigdaddyT's wife. it is really sad that her BPD like behavior is holding him back too

[S2B]

THERE MUST BE A PONY IN HERE, SOMEWHERE - Sorting Your Way Through the BPD Madness!

 

Good read! On so many levels very informative!

[Bigdaddyt]

THERE MUST BE A PONY IN HERE, SOMEWHERE - Sorting Your Way Through the BPD Madness!

 

Jesus, I got the shakes reading that article, I didn't even read it all the way through , it was like I read my autobiography about my childhood and my marriage. My Mother would beat me senseless then tell me to hug her and tell her how much I loved her and people wonder why I am so Fuc-Ed up.

[66Charger]

BDT you are only messed up because you are constantly looking backwards.

 

Why dont you try something different.

 

When you leave for the 6 week trip, do not focus on your "wife". Focus on a life without her. Focus on how you would feel if you could wake up to a woman who loves and honors you. Focus on days without VARs, keyloggers, PI, investigating and even posting misery on LS.

 

And since your "wife" is reading.

 

Focus on a woman like Allison. A life with her. What if the 2 of you could have 2 more children? A second life. A new beginning. After you sell the house and pay a lump sum to dispose of the unworthy, you and Allison buy another house and lay down a solid foundation. Focus on waking up to her every morning, Allison feeling so thankful that you are with her as the baby grows in her belly. Focus on Christmas, you guys putting up a tree, your teenage son and daughter coming over bringing presents. The happiness is so evident in their laughter, knowing that their DAD found happiness again and his soul is at peace.

 

Focus on not even remembering your X wife's name. Cant even remember how she smells. Cant remember sex with her. Sleeping without nightmares. Not giving a damn wether she luves or dies..

 

Focus on a new life and all the happiness that it could bring. All the peace that you will feel. All the loving memories that you will make.

 

Do not focus on the negative. Dream of the positives.

 

With Allison.

[S2B]

Jesus, I got the shakes reading that article, I didn't even read it all the way through , it was like I read my autobiography about my childhood and my marriage. My Mother would beat me senseless then tell me to hug her and tell her how much I loved her and people wonder why I am so Fuc-Ed up.

 

You can't change the past.

 

You know what both women offer to you.

 

 

You CAN change YOUR future! It is only up to you to take steps to eliminate toxic people from your immediate surroundings. To make choices to change things - that is what YOU can do!

 

She doesn't need to approve. She doesn't need to agree. She just needs to be removed so she is left with her own drama and issues.

 

 

You need to deal with your own set of issues...and by eliminating what's toxic in your surroundings - you can make choices based on clarity for yourself.

 

 

 

Expect MORE drama this week - while she still has you close by - a sudden illness, perhaps? All drama is designed to reel big daddy fish back on her fishing line. Don't fall for it. Drama? No reacting and no over reacting to what she brings around. Tell her it's for HER to handle, not you.

 

 

And for gods sake - don't have sex with her! if she manipulates you that way - wear a condom!!!

Edited November 16, 2015 by S2B

[Bigdaddyt]

I am sitting in my T office waiting to go back and see him, he has no sense of time. I have been reading the article over and seeing the traits that are my wife's exactly. This article is basically this thread. I was raised by a BPD then married one , at least I have the sense to recognize it. I am going to show my T this article. 66 I agree that I need to stop looking backwards, it's difficult but I believe it's doable.

[Bigdaddyt]

You can't change the past.

 

You know what both women offer to you.

 

 

You CAN change YOUR future! It is only up to you to take steps to eliminate toxic people from your immediate surroundings. To make choices to change things - that is what YOU can do!

 

She doesn't need to approve. She doesn't need to agree. She just needs to be removed so she is left with her own drama and issues.

 

 

You need to deal with your own set of issues...and by eliminating what's toxic in your surroundings - you can make choices based on clarity for yourself.

 

 

 

Expect MORE drama this week - while she still has you close by - a sudden illness, perhaps? All drama is designed to reel big daddy fish back on her fishing line. Don't fall for it. Drama? No reacting and no over reacting to what she brings around. Tell her it's for HER to handle, not you.

 

 

And for gods sake - don't have sex with her! if she manipulates you that way - wear a condom!!!

 

S2B, my wife will be on her best game and it will be difficult for me to put her off. I just have to get through Sunday. She is the most suductive woman that I ever met. If she doesn't get me with sex she will pull somekind of drama no doubt .

[S2B]

Her claim will be a pregnancy if you don't show some self control.

 

And you will only be able to blame self for not using protection on your end.

 

 

 

Help yourself in areas that you can.

[turnera]

I have been reading the article over and seeing the traits that are my wife's exactly. This article is basically this thread. I was raised by a BPD then married one

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=39352483563&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11894142950635773528&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_6s3i1scc19_b

[StBreton]

S2B, my wife will be on her best game and it will be difficult for me to put her off. I just have to get through Sunday. She is the most suductive woman that I ever met. If she doesn't get me with sex she will pull somekind of drama no doubt .

 

I think Adam was in the same boat with Eve ...you remember where that led:)

 

Where will you be happiest BDT? Down the rabbit hole with your wife or in a solid loving relationship? ... Where you can do the most healing from your dysfunctional FOO.

 

Your wife just seems to want to live a life that's not on the same page as you.

[66Charger]

S2B, my wife will be on her best game and it will be difficult for me to put her off. I just have to get through Sunday. She is the most suductive woman that I ever met. If she doesn't get me with sex she will pull somekind of drama no doubt .

 

WTF Really? That was so beta, it almost made me throw up.

 

Sorry, its time to call you out.

 

Get it together BDT. If you cannot control yourself then how in the world can you blame her? Get you with sex? Thats the last thing she should be able to get you with. Walk the walk not the talk.

Edited November 17, 2015 by 66Charger

[S2B]

S2B, my wife will be on her best game and it will be difficult for me to put her off.

 

 

If you really look at the words you've chosen you can see where you're being misled by still participating with the liar and the cheater she's been.

 

 

Be on her "best game"... It's a game where she wins and you lose. For her she regains control OVER you. As long as you keep dancing with her - the same old dance plays out. You submit and she calls the shots.

 

You've moved your boundary so many times to accommodate get terrible behavior it unbelievable. Stop moving it. Take a stand on what right FOR YOU!

 

When do you begin to help yourself BDT? When? Most people would have said a long time ago... You're allowing it now...because you're aware of what she's going to do yet you have no boundary that stops any of it.

 

No defense to "put her off"? Oh come on now - that's a victim statement - you do have a way to take charge/take control of your life/your actions/your words!

 

Have a voice and speak up. Getting anywhere close is a risk for diseases. How about realizing that she could be putting your health at risk?

 

 

You're no longer that child. You can be in charge of your own future by making decisions that are in the best interest of your future and your happiness.

 

 

There's no need to submit to her brand of evil anymore. Find that boundary and stick to it.

[World's.Edge]

WTF Really? That was so beta, it almost made me throw up.

 

Sorry, its time to call you out.

 

Get it together BDT. If you cannot control yourself then how in the world can you blame her? Get you with sex? Thats the last thing she should be able to get you with. Walk the walk not the talk.

 

Okay, really? Weren't you the one not too long ago writing that he should be magnanimous with his mother, you encouraged some of this 'beta'.

 

S2B, my wife will be on her best game and it will be difficult for me to put her off. I just have to get through Sunday. She is the most suductive woman that I ever met. If she doesn't get me with sex she will pull somekind of drama no doubt .

 

BigFatherT, I think her ability to seduce you is more psychological manipulation than physical attraction.

 

If you're really unable to control yourself around her than simply avoid being in her physical presence, being in close proximity to her, or being around her without somone else or others present.

[Bigdaddyt]

WTF Really? That was so beta, it almost made me throw up.

 

Sorry, its time to call you out.

 

Get it together BDT. If you cannot control yourself then how in the world can you blame her? Get you with sex? Thats the last thing she should be able to get you with. Walk the walk not the talk.

66, I guess that is does sound pathetically Beta. But your comment made me laugh!!!! I write whatever I think with very little filtering, this is just me thinking out loud. I told my T last night that I am done talking about the past, that going forward I only want to deal with my current situation. I still do not like my T there is something about him that just rubs me the wrong way.

 

I confronted my wife last night about the phone having spyware on it and I asked her if she put it on there. She was very defensive and denied everything. I told her that it doesn't matter, I have nothing to hide from her or anyone and that I am very secure in myself. I did tell her that prior to me going to Chicago that I was getting a new phone.

 

She was very quiet last night and really no drama. I was surprised, she did tell me that I was gaining too much weight. LOL I am and I went out and ran three miles this morning.

[Bigdaddyt]

Okay' date=' really? Weren't you the one not too long ago writing that he should be magnanimous with his mother, you encouraged some of this '[i']beta[/i]'.

 

 

 

BigFatherT, I think her ability to seduce you is more psychological manipulation than physical attraction.

 

If you're really unable to control yourself around her than simply avoid being in her physical presence, being in close proximity to her, or being around her without somone else or others present.

Worlds Edge, There is no question that I have an extreme emotional connection to my Wife and she has learned to use it to get her way with me. I am working to detach from her as best as I can. I am working more an avoiding her , but even with all of her drama and abuse I still have a connection with her. I know that it is not a healthy relationship.

[Bigdaddyt]

If you really look at the words you've chosen you can see where you're being misled by still participating with the liar and the cheater she's been.

 

 

Be on her "best game"... It's a game where she wins and you lose. For her she regains control OVER you. As long as you keep dancing with her - the same old dance plays out. You submit and she calls the shots.

 

You've moved your boundary so many times to accommodate get terrible behavior it unbelievable. Stop moving it. Take a stand on what right FOR YOU!

 

When do you begin to help yourself BDT? When? Most people would have said a long time ago... You're allowing it now...because you're aware of what she's going to do yet you have no boundary that stops any of it.

 

No defense to "put her off"? Oh come on now - that's a victim statement - you do have a way to take charge/take control of your life/your actions/your words!

 

Have a voice and speak up. Getting anywhere close is a risk for diseases. How about realizing that she could be putting your health at risk?

 

 

You're no longer that child. You can be in charge of your own future by making decisions that are in the best interest of your future and your happiness.

 

 

There's no need to submit to her brand of evil anymore. Find that boundary and stick to it.

S2B, I am not a victim and I hope that I don't come across as such. My wife is very controlling, but it was a slow trip into this madness. It didn't happen overnight but very slowly over many years. Until I woke up into this current situation or nightmare. I see now that I allowed this and I am to blame for it. I take responsibility for 60% of the damage to my marriage. That said I am going tobe separate from her for 6 weeks, my T believes that this will be very good for both of us and he believes that if she is truly BPD that she will detach from me during this time and that people with BPD usually have a new partner on the side while in a committed relationship. Time will tell.

[66Charger]

Perhaps I should put a filter on what I write.

 

Nah..Dont think so

 

And to WE, there is a BIG difference between a mother and a wife.

 

Regardless, its getting chilly here. And you're going to Chcago? Yikes! Holiday season is approaching. May you find peace this Holiday season.