Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

WTF Really? That was so beta, it almost made me throw up.

 

Sorry, its time to call you out.

 

Get it together BDT. If you cannot control yourself then how in the world can you blame her? Get you with sex? Thats the last thing she should be able to get you with. Walk the walk not the talk.

66, I guess that is does sound pathetically Beta. But your comment made me laugh!!!! I write whatever I think with very little filtering, this is just me thinking out loud. I told my T last night that I am done talking about the past, that going forward I only want to deal with my current situation. I still do not like my T there is something about him that just rubs me the wrong way.

 

I confronted my wife last night about the phone having spyware on it and I asked her if she put it on there. She was very defensive and denied everything. I told her that it doesn't matter, I have nothing to hide from her or anyone and that I am very secure in myself. I did tell her that prior to me going to Chicago that I was getting a new phone.

 

She was very quiet last night and really no drama. I was surprised, she did tell me that I was gaining too much weight. LOL I am and I went out and ran three miles this morning.

[Bigdaddyt]

Okay' date=' really? Weren't you the one not too long ago writing that he should be magnanimous with his mother, you encouraged some of this '[i']beta[/i]'.

 

 

 

BigFatherT, I think her ability to seduce you is more psychological manipulation than physical attraction.

 

If you're really unable to control yourself around her than simply avoid being in her physical presence, being in close proximity to her, or being around her without somone else or others present.

Worlds Edge, There is no question that I have an extreme emotional connection to my Wife and she has learned to use it to get her way with me. I am working to detach from her as best as I can. I am working more an avoiding her , but even with all of her drama and abuse I still have a connection with her. I know that it is not a healthy relationship.

[Bigdaddyt]

If you really look at the words you've chosen you can see where you're being misled by still participating with the liar and the cheater she's been.

 

 

Be on her "best game"... It's a game where she wins and you lose. For her she regains control OVER you. As long as you keep dancing with her - the same old dance plays out. You submit and she calls the shots.

 

You've moved your boundary so many times to accommodate get terrible behavior it unbelievable. Stop moving it. Take a stand on what right FOR YOU!

 

When do you begin to help yourself BDT? When? Most people would have said a long time ago... You're allowing it now...because you're aware of what she's going to do yet you have no boundary that stops any of it.

 

No defense to "put her off"? Oh come on now - that's a victim statement - you do have a way to take charge/take control of your life/your actions/your words!

 

Have a voice and speak up. Getting anywhere close is a risk for diseases. How about realizing that she could be putting your health at risk?

 

 

You're no longer that child. You can be in charge of your own future by making decisions that are in the best interest of your future and your happiness.

 

 

There's no need to submit to her brand of evil anymore. Find that boundary and stick to it.

S2B, I am not a victim and I hope that I don't come across as such. My wife is very controlling, but it was a slow trip into this madness. It didn't happen overnight but very slowly over many years. Until I woke up into this current situation or nightmare. I see now that I allowed this and I am to blame for it. I take responsibility for 60% of the damage to my marriage. That said I am going tobe separate from her for 6 weeks, my T believes that this will be very good for both of us and he believes that if she is truly BPD that she will detach from me during this time and that people with BPD usually have a new partner on the side while in a committed relationship. Time will tell.

[66Charger]

Perhaps I should put a filter on what I write.

 

Nah..Dont think so

 

And to WE, there is a BIG difference between a mother and a wife.

 

Regardless, its getting chilly here. And you're going to Chcago? Yikes! Holiday season is approaching. May you find peace this Holiday season.

[Bigdaddyt]

Perhaps I should put a filter on what I write.

 

Nah..Dont think so

 

And to WE, there is a BIG difference between a mother and a wife.

 

Regardless, its getting chilly here. And you're going to Chcago? Yikes! Holiday season is approaching. May you find peace this Holiday season.

66, I have very thick skin, I can handle the comments. Chicago is cold but it is usually cold where I live as well.

[Bigdaddyt]

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition: Harville Hendrix: 9780805087000: Amazon.com: Books

tunera, I bought this last night on line.Thanks I am just alittle slow.

[turnera]

"You're gaining weight."

 

"You're right. I was really doing good work when I was working with Allison. I think I'll start using her as a trainer again."

[aliveagain]

S2B, I am not a victim and I hope that I don't come across as such. My wife is very controlling, but it was a slow trip into this madness. It didn't happen overnight but very slowly over many years. Until I woke up into this current situation or nightmare. I see now that I allowed this and I am to blame for it. I take responsibility for 60% of the damage to my marriage. That said I am going tobe separate from her for 6 weeks, my T believes that this will be very good for both of us and he believes that if she is truly BPD that she will detach from me during this time and that people with BPD usually have a new partner on the side while in a committed relationship. Time will tell.

 

This is all you really need to know, it's hard to knock the statistics when she's already proven them right. Your the only one committed in this relationship. She won't share you with other women so even an open relationship won't work. Leaves you two options, stay and accept you'll be sharing your wife with other men, leave and find someone you can trust to be faithful that doesn't need years of therapy. The only thing that really changes in scenario 2 is you and the drama you have to endure daily. She will still be seeing other men and women, your children will still love you and will always be your children, their grandparents will still be their grandparents and the love they have for your children won't change. Your job is the same, you might even be more productive when you remove the cause of all the drama in your life.

 

The question you need to ask yourself is, "Is the drama she brings into my life worth having her in my life?" Organizations/business's spend huge money to find out their "Herbie" the weak link in the armor(your only as fast as the slowest in your group, sorry if I offend anyone named Herbie but they always refer to that person as Herbie). You already know yours and in order to be successful you need to eliminate that weakness. Your eyes are open but your still with someone who lies, cheats and doesn't play fair. What is she willing to do to guarantee you to make you feel safe and is it too late to make enough of a change? Just a question, has she confessed to the real number of men and women and the real length of her infidelity's? Can you believe her?

[Bigdaddyt]

"You're gaining weight."

 

"You're right. I was really doing good work when I was working with Allison. I think I'll start using her as a trainer again."

It looks like I am fixing to lose about 125 pounds fairly quickly....

[aliveagain]

It looks like I am fixing to lose about 125 pounds fairly quickly....

 

I had your wife pegged at 150 lbs. plus or minus. Lol.

[Bigdaddyt]

I had your wife pegged at 150 lbs. plus or minus. Lol.

Too funny! No, she is thin, I easily have a hundred pounds on her.

[Bigdaddyt]

But you are her victim...mainly because you continue to allow her to rule your thoughts, actions and life.

 

 

Breaking free from her control and manipulation isn't likely just because you move - it happens when you begin doing everything different than what you usually do.

 

You're still so focused on pleasing her that you're not changing the dynamics (power) within the marriage.

 

 

You just keep handing it all to her on a silver platter.

 

 

The T said she will likely find your replacement while you're away...why doesn't that cause you concern? Concern enough to divorce her knowing she cheats and will cheat while you're away...?

 

Your kids. Think about what example you're setting for your kids. It makes me sick to think they will see her behavior again yet you haven't shown them just how unacceptable she acts and explained to them that her behavior is unreasonable and cruel.

 

 

Did you ask your therapist what actions and words you can use to break free of her control?

S2B, I will just have to be more aware about what she says, I have just tuned her out over the years.

 

To tell you the truth, this just didn't register until you said it. I guess I am disconnecting, but didn't even realize it. My T comments didn't even phase me, I just listened and did not respond.

[World's.Edge]

Worlds Edge, There is no question that I have an extreme emotional connection to my Wife and she has learned to use it to get her way with me. I am working to detach from her as best as I can. I am working more an avoiding her , but even with all of her drama and abuse I still have a connection with her. I know that it is not a healthy relationship.

She is your wife, someone you chose to love, honour and cherish till death do you part. You have a family and have shared a life together. It would be weird if you didn't still have a connection to her. It takes time to move on from someone, time to even want to begin to move on from someone.

 

 

You have to do more recognize that your relationship with her is harmful and unhealthy. You're aware of how she is able to manipulate and control you and your weaknesses with her so protect yourself. If you see and feel that she is trying to work you and you're unable to resist, then simply remove yourself from the situation and don't interact with or talk to her. It also helps to have someone present for support, she can't seduce/get you with sex you if you have someone around.

 

Work towards not having her be an influencing and controlling presence in your life, having limited interaction with her and eventually moving on from her.

 

It's also alright that you're still affected by your past, it's an epic past to be affected by and I hope you're able to work through it.

Edited November 17, 2015 by World's.Edge

[merrmeade]

Hey, BDT, it's okay if you decided with your T not to share your sessions here, but I was just wondering if he helped you with any of the stuff being discussed here.

 

And I say Bravo! that you don't see yourself as a victim. That's huge. HUGE with all you've been through. So cool. Just rolled right out naturally and without defensiveness. You're strong and clear and dig down before you let any of the hard questions here define you. Sometimes you agree; sometimes you call it a miss. You're doing great.

 

So she said you're getting fat, you laughed, then went running again. That's what we know and it's totally valid for everyone to question whether your button didn't get overly pushed.

 

But this:

There is no question that I have an extreme emotional connection to my Wife and she has learned to use it to get her way with me. I am working to detach from her as best as I can. I am working more an avoiding her , but even with all of her drama and abuse I still have a connection with her. I know that it is not a healthy relationship.

This is something to take up in IC.

 

I mean, for me it's a sign you're becoming independent of hers AND undue LS influence is that you confronted her about the phone, noted her discomfort, considered the possibility that there ISN'T any spyware and still announced your getting a new phone. Covering all the bases. Not a fool but also not obsessed. Go forth, BDT, and live your life.

[World's.Edge]

Perhaps I should put a filter on what I write.

 

Nah..Dont think so

 

And to WE, there is a BIG difference between a mother and a wife.

 

Regardless, its getting chilly here. And you're going to Chcago? Yikes! Holiday season is approaching. May you find peace this Holiday season.

 

Awww, you're not going to filter what you write.. darn it. WHY??!!!! I pretty much agree with and support what you wrote and everything else you've written on this thread.

 

Yes there is a difference, but you encouraged him to forgive the woman who abused and allowed him to be abused, someone similar to his wife. And I think that you also wrote that if he can forgive his wife and reconcile with her, then why can't he forgive and reconcile with his mother, so why shouldn't the inverse be true. It's wierd that you would call him beta for how he is being with his wife when it's similar to how you encouraged him to be with his mother.

[66Charger]

Not to war with you WE, but to clarify, so that we may move on, I wrote the "statement" was beta and it is. (Not the same as calling him beta.

Sex is her weapon and sex is her sin. Allowing sex to continue to be used as a weapon, WHEN YOU KNOW it is manipulation and no longer sacred, is weakness, IMHO

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

 

As to his Mother

 

The difference between the CSA and the infidelity is that one happened in the past and one is continuing. Stop the bleeding, first. Heal quickly, then heal slowly.

 

Healing from the CSA will PROBALLY require forgiveness of his mother.

Healing from his wife will probally require a divorce.

 

These statements along with all my words are simply my opinion and of course it could be incorrect, however I have forgiven a past and thats why I wrote my post about his Mother.

 

I am sure BDT understood and he handled his business in regards to his blood family.

 

Just move in a positive direction BDT, and soon you will get to where you want to be.

I am going to take that advice myself for a bit. Take care.

Edited November 17, 2015 by 66Charger

[OldRover]

S2B, I am not a victim and I hope that I don't come across as such. My wife is very controlling, but it was a slow trip into this madness. It didn't happen overnight but very slowly over many years. Until I woke up into this current situation or nightmare. I see now that I allowed this and I am to blame for it. I take responsibility for 60% of the damage to my marriage. That said I am going tobe separate from her for 6 weeks, my T believes that this will be very good for both of us and he believes that if she is truly BPD that she will detach from me during this time and that people with BPD usually have a new partner on the side while in a committed relationship. Time will tell.

 

I don't believe that BPD people tend to have someone on the side, any more than others. I've dealt with that a bit and the hardest part is to get them to proper counseling, which doesn't always work. But living with them is borderline impossible. The change in mood and the swings drive you crazy.

[Bigdaddyt]

What's your plan long term BDT? It may be useful to map out goals FOR YOURSELF and what steps are necessary to get to that goal or goals...

 

Have you determined what you're aiming for?

 

S2B, great question , the answer for now is survival and taking care of my family. This includes my Wife, not for her sake but more for the children. I am going to use my time to work on myself and start to get back to producing at work. I have been slipping lately. Ultimate goal is I wish to purchase a horse farm and retire as a gentleman farmer with perhaps a small vineyard and make wine . Too long term? I really don't want to think about dating and starting over. Too depressing .

[Bigdaddyt]

(Response to empty post redacted)

 

Tomorrow is MC

Edited November 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Bigdaddyt]

The best thing you could do for yourself is to go back a re-read your entire thread.

 

 

I know you don't want to - but your own information should be of great value for understanding the pattern/dynamics with your wife.

 

S2B, I know that it reads like a fishing show, I keep getting reeled back in. I absolutely hate reading my posts. They are painful and embarrassing for me to read. I will read them again tonight.

Edited November 18, 2015 by Bigdaddyt
Grammar

[Spectre]

So just to get an update...are you divorcing this person? Or just dooming yourself to a life with her?

[Bigdaddyt]

So just to get an update...are you divorcing this person? Or just dooming yourself to a life with her?

 

 

All: I went to marriage counselling today with my Wife and I sat and listened to my wife telling me that I need to let go of the past with her infidelity and that we cannot move forward if I still allow it to be in my thoughts constantly. She said that she is truly sorry for her actions and loves me and wants us to stay together. She also said that she is worried that I will start to cheat on her and she doesn’t know what to do to make things better between us

 

I told my wife that I just don’t believe her anymore and I told her the dreaded ILYBIANILWY. I said that too much has happened that I just can’t get over all of the years of abuse, neglect, and her betrayal. I am always stressed when we are not together and I am wondering who she is with and what she is doing, even when she calls me to update where she is. I told her that I just don’t feel that she is really remorseful and I know that this will probably happen again, it’s just a matter of time. I just don’t feel special or safe with her anymore

 

I told my wife that I am finally done and that I will not be returning from Chicago and that I will be filing for D from her this week (Yes Again). I said that I will always feel second best and I cannot live like this,I have read too many horror stories here on LS about false R and I just can’tdo this any longer with her. I said that I do love you and I consider you afriend, but we need to D and move on. My wife cried and said that she is going to work to show me that she has changed and that I am her only choice. She then said that she knows that Allison has pushed me into this and she always knew that Allison was in love with me.

 

I told my wife that this is about us and her cheating and I just want out of this marriage and to start over without the baggage. I said that I would like to D as easily as possible and that I would split everything down the middle and pay her alimony, so she will be cared for the rest of her life. I want us to co-parent and not have a problem being around each other with the children. I want us to be able to go to functions with the kids and not worry about upsetting each other

 

I was a very good husband to her, I spoiled her terribly, I am a great provider and I always made sure that I stayed in very good shape and I always took care of myself. I consider myself easily to be 2 points higher onthe MMSLP ranking than her, but I never cheated during our marriage. I had many opportunities to do so over the years, but I didn’t. My emotional connection to her was extreme. It is probably from my past CSA

 

I am flying to Chicago on Sunday; I am staying in a hotel until then. I told the kids and they seem to be okay for now. Allison and I have agreed that once I have mywife served again that we will start to see each other (I don’t consider this cheating). I know, think what you will, but it is very difficult for me to leave my current toxic relationship without me doing this (exit affair?)

 

I truly like Allison and I know that the feeling is mutual, I am extremely attracted to her physically she is physical perfection in a woman and we just seem to click. Probably not smart, but I would probably endup back with my STBXW if I didn’t. I plan to tell my STBXW before I start with Allison. No, it doesn’t make it any better for her, but at least I will tellher.

 

Allison is going to fly up to see me in two weeks and stayfor the week with me. I think that this pretty much is the end of this crazystory. I will keep the thread open and update after the D is final. Thank You for your support and tough love. This isthe only logical conclusion to my story; I always knew that D was inevitable from the beginning. My head always knew, but my heart fought me every step of the way, I am sure that many here have been there as well…….. BDT

Edited November 19, 2015 by Bigdaddyt
Grammar

[Spectre]

Dude so she cheats and then tells you that you need to let go of it. Yeah, time to get rid of her. Just how horrible do you have to be to cheat and then say crap like that?

[LoveMachine67]

BDT.. I've followed your thread, and I don't blame you for ending your marriage at this point. But your wife's behavior sounds eerily similar to another member's WW, and she ended up being diagnosed with 'frontotemporal dementia (FLD)', which explained her repeated episodes of infidelity and lack of remorse.

 

Please check out the thread by VeryBrokenMan. ( Wife of 31 years had an affair, my story) Urging your STBEX to go in for a neurological examination may be the most humane parting advice that you can give the mother of your children.

 

Good luck in Chicago, and with your new relationship with Allison!

 

God bless!

Edited November 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
link to thread added ~6

[Bigdaddyt]

While I'm glad that you aren't in limbo anymore and have come to make a decision for yourself - I am not going to say it's a smart choice to start with anyone new when you have so much trauma to sift through FIRST.

 

 

Like energy attracts...and I'm skeptical about anything with Allison being healthy given the current emotional state you've been in.

 

Take care of your own healing. Focus on learning to be happy on your own.

 

 

And IF you must see Allison then at least warn her that you aren't in a healthy mindset yet.

 

 

IF you are serving your wife, and you plan to divorce = you don't need to inform her of anything personal anymore. Stop GIVING her ammunition to fire at you.

 

You are divorcing her - cut the chord - no need to seek her approval any longer.

 

 

Do your best to cause as little harm moving forward...to yourself and to others. Using Allison like a bandaid on a bullet wound seems unwise.

 

It's not for Allison to heal you - that's YOUR'S to do.

 

 

Explore why you continue to hand women so much of YOUR power...

 

S2B, I know that I am responsible for my own healing , I am not going to dump any of my past on Allison for her to deal with. I did see her last night and we spoke for a few hours. I told her about my past CSA and my issues, she told me that she didn't care and she still wants us to try to make a relationship together.