Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 While I'm glad that you aren't in limbo anymore and have come to make a decision for yourself - I am not going to say it's a smart choice to start with anyone new when you have so much trauma to sift through FIRST. Like energy attracts...and I'm skeptical about anything with Allison being healthy given the current emotional state you've been in. Take care of your own healing. Focus on learning to be happy on your own. And IF you must see Allison then at least warn her that you aren't in a healthy mindset yet. IF you are serving your wife, and you plan to divorce = you don't need to inform her of anything personal anymore. Stop GIVING her ammunition to fire at you. You are divorcing her - cut the chord - no need to seek her approval any longer. Do your best to cause as little harm moving forward...to yourself and to others. Using Allison like a bandaid on a bullet wound seems unwise. It's not for Allison to heal you - that's YOUR'S to do. Explore why you continue to hand women so much of YOUR power... S2B, I know that I am responsible for my own healing , I am not going to dump any of my past on Allison for her to deal with. I did see her last night and we spoke for a few hours. I told her about my past CSA and my issues, she told me that she didn't care and she still wants us to try to make a relationship together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I'm proud of you BDT - this has been a long, hard road and even if the whole Allison thing doesn't pan out, I believe you are heading in the right direction with divorcing your wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I keep seeing it over and over again but I don't know what CSA is. What does CSA stand for? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I'm happy you've taken some action that invokes change. Change is good! At least you now have a chance that things can get better for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 I'm proud of you BDT - this has been a long, hard road and even if the whole Allison thing doesn't pan out, I believe you are heading in the right direction with divorcing your wife. CarrieT, Thank you for your support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 I keep seeing it over and over again but I don't know what CSA is. What does CSA stand for? Childhood Sexual Abuse = CSA Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I wish you all the luck, you've been fighting in 2 fronts for too long. hopefully this will make you finally face you own issues without the ordeal of your wife craziness. I'm not a believer of "exit affairs" or rebound relationship, but if that's the only way for you to take care of yourself so be it. one last thing be patient in your new relationship do not invest all your emotions immediately 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 I wish you all the luck, you've been fighting in 2 fronts for too long. hopefully this will make you finally face you own issues without the ordeal of your wife craziness. I'm not a believer of "exit affairs" or rebound relationship, but if that's the only way for you to take care of yourself so be it. one last thing be patient in your new relationship do not invest all your emotions immediately Qubist, Thanks for your support, I do not believe in exit affairs or rebound relationships either, but yet here I am. I will do my best to not get too emotionally connected to Allison, too soon. She just texted me to ask me if I wanted to meet her for dinner tonight and I said yes. I do not think that I would have ever been able to escape my wife without her being there. It is what it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 (edited) Wow. Boy, did I get played. You did a REALLY GOOD JOB of keeping Allison talk to a minimum and pretending you really were just being trained. Edited November 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed personal attack and insult ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Qubist, Thanks for your support, I do not believe in exit affairs or rebound relationships either, but yet here I am. I will do my best to not get too emotionally connected to Allison, too soon. She just texted me to ask me if I wanted to meet her for dinner tonight and I said yes. I do not think that I would have ever been able to escape my wife without her being there. It is what it is. do whatever you think will help, your STBXW will be hurt by hopefully she'll get the help she needs and move on too. I know you are a gentleman and won't make it any harder than it already is. make sure you have fun and enjoy not just tonight dinner but your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 (edited) Wow. Boy, did I get played. You did a REALLY GOOD JOB of keeping Allison talk to a minimum and pretending you really were just being trained. Tunera, no I haven't had sex with Allison, we have been friends for a long time and we have a connection with each other. I tried very hard to save my marriage and my wife just kept up to her old ways. I would rather be with my wife, but I can never trust her. I only kissed Allison last night for the first time, not even romantically . No one was played I just played the crappy hand of cards that I was dealt in life. Even I deserve a break from this madness . Edited November 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator clean up of quote ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 BDT, just how many chances do you have to give a cheating wife before she becomes a STBXW and then an EX? She's banged her way through the men and women of your neighbourhood. Seeing her in your neighbourhood pub with other men openly dating is absolutely shameful, you deserve better. Allison sounds heavenly, can you post her bicep with yours? Just weeks ago your STBXW was threatening you with divorce, I guess a wish fairy was listening. Just in case things get nasty and your STBXW decides to make things hard and won't share any of her old family recipes, remember, you still know an Italian near the Rock Mountains who has them all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Just a word of warning BDT. You are vulnerable right now. A 'new' woman in the mix is too soon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Tunera, no I haven't had sex with Allison, we have been friends for a long time and we have a connection with each other. I tried very hard to save my marriage and my wife just kept up to her old ways. I would rather be with my wife, but I can never trust her. I only kissed Allison last night for the first time, not even romantically . No one was played I just played the crappy hand of cards that I was dealt in life. Even I deserve a break from this madness . I never said you had sex. I said you'd been cheating with her while making it look to us like you weren't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 BDT, just how many chances do you have to give a cheating wife before she becomes a STBXW and then an EX? She's banged her way through the men and women of your neighbourhood. Seeing her in your neighbourhood pub with other men openly dating is absolutely shameful, you deserve better. Allison sounds heavenly, can you post her bicep with yours? Just weeks ago your STBXW was threatening you with divorce, I guess a wish fairy was listening. Just in case things get nasty and your STBXW decides to make things hard and won't share any of her old family recipes, remember, you still know an Italian near the Rock Mountains who has them all. Alive, Thank You. I know it looks bad to be starting a relationship now but it really wasn't planned, it just happened. I may take you up on the recipes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Alive, Thank You. I know it looks bad to be starting a relationship now but it really wasn't planned, it just happened. I may take you up on the recipes. You do what you need to do to survive, get health and make sure your the best dad you can be to your children. Fu*k what anyone else thinks. Your soon to be ex wife is jealous of Allison because she still thinks like a cheater, their the most jealous people on the earth. She had her chances but chose to squander the gift of reconciliation you gave her over the years, too bad. Your turn to be selfish my friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 You do what you need to do to survive, get health and make sure your the best dad you can be to your children. Fu*k what anyone else thinks. Your soon to be ex wife is jealous of Allison because she still thinks like a cheater, their the most jealous people on the earth. She had her chances but chose to squander the gift of reconciliation you gave her over the years, too bad. Your turn to be selfish my friend. Alive, I am a very doting father to my children, I spoil them terribly. That will never change, my kids know Allison from the gym and like her, but they will come first. I do feel that my Wife threw away my gift of R and I just will never trust her again, if I attempted R I would be here again in a year or two with the same thread. I am getting better and stronger thank you for your support. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Can you continue individual counseling after you're moved? It's in your best interest to face that and get to the other side of it all. Some counsellors will do your session by phone if you're further away... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 Can you continue individual counseling after you're moved? It's in your best interest to face that and get to the other side of it all. Some counsellors will do your session by phone if you're further away... S2B, I plan to either speak with the same T on phone for my sessions until I find someone else. I am not going to quit, I have come too far to drop this. Thanks for your support 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 Dude so she cheats and then tells you that you need to let go of it. Yeah, time to get rid of her. Just how horrible do you have to be to cheat and then say crap like that? Specte, I missed your post, my thoughts exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 I did finally end my 21 year marriage. It was not an easy thing for me to do, I am physically ill today, it has been strangely quiet with my STBXW. I thought that she would be blowing up my phone. I will keep my course until the end. When I feel weak I will re-read this thread. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 I did finally end my 21 year marriage. It was not an easy thing for me to do, I am physically ill today, it has been strangely quiet with my STBXW. I thought that she would be blowing up my phone. I will keep my course until the end. When I feel weak I will re-read this thread. Hmmm......maybe she's is reading your thread!!! Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Watching you grow and deal with incredibly difficult life events throughout this thread has been humbling and inspiring. I wish you so much happiness, BDT, and think you will be fine in every way. This is one instance in which I think starting a new relationship on top of quitting an old abusive one does not sound alarming. I don't have a lot of reasons I can offer quickly, but it sounds healthy and you sound confident and understanding of what makes good choices. Also you've suffered so much that you deserve a healthy adult relationship sooner than later. I'm envious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 (edited) I 100% agree with the woman from the sea. Take a break and figure out who you are and where you want to be. Edited November 20, 2015 by 66Charger 2 Link to post Share on other sites
conpron5 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Wow. Boy, did I get played. You did a REALLY GOOD JOB of keeping Allison talk to a minimum and pretending you really were just being trained. get a life 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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