Sandy43 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Can we back-up a bit? You said, "She had at the time cloned my personal email and LinkedIn accounts on her IPhone and saw emails from a female coworker that she thought were inappropriate. The coworker was married and we were on the same level in the company that I previously worked for. The coworker did become a problem by telling me that she really liked me and started sending me gifts at work. I shut this down almost immediately, but I didn’t tell my wife." Are you sure your wife didn't come to a site like this for advise & was told to monitor you? Is this coworker completely crazy? It takes even a 'stalker woman' a while to build-up to gifts! Were you chatting & flirting a bit? If your wife could see everything why wasn't she seeing you saying "I'm married. Only talk to me about business!" right from the start? She was reading SOMETHING to start monitoring you. If she was reading the CORRECT responses from you why did she go to these steps? I know I'm bias. I've monitored my H's mail & "Innocent friendship" (as he described it) is NOT what I was reading! This DOES change things in my opinion. You have a very insecure, emotional wife who doesn't trust you. I choose to believe you here (never physically cheating) but are you a natural flirt? That co-worker is either a completely CRAZY lady or you did say things to encourage her at the start & that's what your wife read. Then you started deleting things to hide them from her...that's what she was seeing. THAT's why she bonded with those women going through divorces. It's horrible being in Moms Club with all those new mothers going on about how wonderful & romantic their husbands are when you're MONITORING H conversations & not liking what you're reading. I'm not excusing her behavior but I think you guys need to do a lot of talking. It is common for cheaters to be suspicious of their spouses 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Shattered Lady, I do not flirt and I am always conscience of not over stepping boundaries. I will only kiss my wife's girlfriends on the side of the cheek (Italian thing) and I never get myself into a bad situation. My wife's Father worked as a homicide detective and she also worked in law enforcement. She could have been coached by Jill who always suspected her husband was cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 All: I have a lot of quirks and short comings but I am a very loyal person, all of my friends have been life long friends. I do love my Wife she is the Mother of my children and if it is possible to fix this I will try. I don't know if I can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Like I said, i'm not blaming anyone here for this, but i'm feeling something different with the tone of this thread. I think OP has realised his omission has caused some of the problems, and is now deeply sorry. I do believe they still love each other, but both need to sit down and talk calmly. OP has said he MAY be able to fix it and try to R, at least let him try. Honestly OP, I said how I would feel knowing my partner kept something like that from me. Some people do think that way. Sure she would be mad/jealous/upset, but look where NOT telling her has lead to. You didn't do anything wrong with the co-worker, but does your wife know that for sure? Her decision to go the whole way and cheat is 100% on her though. Was she out looking for it, or do you think it's more she got in with a bad crowd? Again, no excuses. She has her own brain to think with (but if she is like me in thinking why did he keep it secret) that would fester in her mind, maybe becoming something it wasn't (which it wasn't) so to her, she felt justified. Again, completely wrong and completely the wrong way to go about it. No one but you can decide what you can and cannot accept, I wish you luck in whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 All: I have a lot of quirks and short comings but I am a very loyal person, all of my friends have been life long friends. I do love my Wife she is the Mother of my children and if it is possible to fix this I will try. I don't know if I can. we all have quirks and short coming, you seem to be a nice guy and I really wish you a good luck. it is clear that what everyone here thinks happened did in fact happen. she seems to be insecure and very most likely cheated and instead of facing the facts and acting upon them, she instead sitting there fighting emotions, guilt and insecurity, all that will lead to her eventually breaking down. does she go to any counseling, if not do her a favor and recommend one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 27, 2015 Author Share Posted August 27, 2015 Celestial and Qubist, getting ready to leave to meet with my attorney, I just wanted to say that this thread has been a painful journey of discovery, not just about the affair but about myself. I had to look at things differently when you are hit on the head with them. That is why the tone changes with the thread. I am going to continue my journey to its logical conclusion knowing that I gave everything that I had and held nothing back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Oy vey. Actually, you DID cheat. You withheld communications with another woman from your wife FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT. You reap what you sow, dude. Suddenly YOU can't stand the thought of HER cheating and you're throwing her away? smh This person is the definition of idiot. Let the admins ban me if they want to. What an utterly useless and dangerous advice particularly for a person in a situation like OP. Get a life instead of spending your entire life on forums giving useless hateful advice. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 He always accusing you of cheating and insecurities is called projecting. Google it up. She was "projecting" her own negative thoughts back onto you so that 1) She can control you using these false premises. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) Wow, this is becoming the textbook example of blame shifting. I get text and emails/flirts from xs/others. I may delete them right away, I may not. My phone is never turned off. If you cheat on me because you "thought" something because I received a message and I clearly didnt reply, and you know it because YOU CLONED MY EMAILS Your still fired. Edited August 27, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Wow, this is becoming the textbook example of blame shifting. I get text and emails/flirts from xs/others. I may delete them right away, I may not. My phone is never turned off. If you cheat on me because you "thought" something because I received a message and I clearly didnt reply, and you know it because YOU CLONED MY EMAILS Your still fired. BIB: Isn't this what BS are told to do?? Find ANY and all proof ANYWAY they can? People on here will even HELP a BS get this info through phones etc. Maybe her *friends* told her to snoop so she could justify to herself, seeing something that was, but wasn't there (if you know what I mean) Telling her "oooh look your H has had a bit, your turn", just to snare OP's wife into their world. But this is all a maybe. MAYBE she wouldn't have cheated had she not THOUGHT he had. I think OP has made his choice. GL today with your meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Bigdaddyt, even when we look at the Mom's Group your wife belonged to, not all the mom's cheated on their husbands. It just so happened that your wife chose to bond with the two that did, coincidence or a case of like attracting like? The other mom's saw what was going on, two women cheated and their husbands divorced them, your wife is the third amigo, her days were numbered and she knew you were on to her. Too many people knew about the three of them, the men they cheated with knew and scum like that like to brag(see Zingers post on this site) and can't be trusted to keep a secret. The other mom's knew or suspected and probably talked about them to their husbands, I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't odds already on when your wife will be busted and thrown to the curb. Guess how many people saw them in the bars hooking up with men, you guys are the talk of the town. You even caught them in a hook up the night you went to the bar. Your wife was going to cheat on you regardless of what she read in your emails. She was looking for the right excuse to justify to herself that she was entitled to some strange dick. The emails had nothing to do with her being unfaithful. You may even discover that she was the aggressor and chased the other man. Sorry but that's what I believe to be true and I would be shocked if I'm wrong. Both your wife and her dad worked in law enforcement, she knows when the evidence is too strong to deny. You need to expose the other men to their wives and you may want to give the other husbands a heads up on the mom's group that it's not a good place for their wives to be if they want their marriages to survive. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Your wife began looking because she wanted to cheat and if you were cheating it would have made her feel better. She didn't get the proof, so she put Jill on the case to try and get you into the sack. This is what you should have told her about as previous said. If my H's friend hit on me like that, I'd tell him for sure. Then I'd expect him to drop that friend right away, because no true friend hits on your spouse. If it's a stranger or coworker, then I'm not obliged to say anything, I shut it down straight off. I've done this in the past and continue to do so. What's the point in me telling him some guy is after me or asked me out? I'm capable of handling it. OP - I have to wonder if you shut it down straight off, why would she send you gifts? Perhaps rather than ignore, you should have said in writing "I'm happily married and not interested". If your wife saw this, she would have known for sure you weren't cheating but it's nowhere near an excuse for her going with other men. You DIDN'T cheat. YOUR WIFE did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Tunera, Yes I can see where this is cheating in my wife’s or anyone’s eyes and she has told me that exactly. I did not have an affair, I did not cheat emotionally, I shut this down immediately.Actually, you yourself said you shut it down ALMOST immediately. Not immediately. In fact, slowly enough that she was sending you gifts. Women don't send men gifts if the men aren't reciprocating in the flirting. If you can't be honest with yourself and us, your problems will only continue. I'm not saying your indiscretion was at the same level of hers, but please, let's try to be honest, yes? I think your wife needs help to deal with her insecurities. But you also seem very very quick to cut the demon's head off. Perhaps you were silently hoping for a valid reason to leave her? Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) Quick to cut the demons head off? How delusional. Having sex with 3 guys while married IS A DAMN GOOD REASON TO DIVORCE. And he ate this crap for a long period of time? Whats quick about that, blameshifter. Edited August 28, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I already said his indiscretion didn't match up to hers. But he needs to start being honest, to get anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 All: I met with an attorney and he told me what I alreadyknow, that in my state the courts don’t care who is at fault or care to attach blame. They only care about equitable distribution of assets, child custody and support. I can get 50/50 custody, but I am going to pay a great deal for a longperiod of time. It is what it is. When I got home last night I told my wife I was cancelling the reservations and she said that she would really like for us to go and talk.We went I didn’t give her a gift or card and I am not wearing my wedding ring.At dinner she told me that she is so sorry for her bad choices and wants us toget back to where we once were. She told me that she loves me and wants to fixus and that she will be a better wife and work on her problems if I give her achance. I told her that I do love her but at the present I cannot commit to reconciliation; because I don’t want it to be just idle words. I want R to be atrue R and I cannot truly commit to it right now, but I hope that I can softenmy heart to try (feeling too much hurt). She said that she is sad that she truly feels that I don’tknow how much that I am loved do to my past and she feels that she is at faultfor this. I told her that my past was all on me and she wasn’t responsible formy issues or how it affected us in our relationship. I have committed to fix me regardless of what happens to us. She now truly sees what she stands to lose and that we are on the brink. We are currently living separately in the same house. She asked me last night if she could move back into the marital bedroomwith me. Last night I had a little too much to drink and told her that tonightisn’t a good night we can talk tomorrow. I know that I am and have always been her plan A regardless of her infidelity. I do not want to breakup another family but I don’t know ifI can get over my hurt. I can’t bear to see her in this pain she appears lost.I did commit to give us three months to try and work on our relationship and on myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, Yes it was my Wifes choice to cheat and now it is my choice to stay or leave and I haven't made that choice. Sandy, Yes my Wife made her choice , but was influenced by her toxic friends that were already on that slippery slope. Tunera, I did shut down the office coworker when I realized where she was going with the relationship, but due admit that I handled it poorly and I told my wife this. I take 50% responsibility for the conditions of our marriage maybe even 60% but I take no responsibility for her cheating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Three months sounds like a fairly reasonable time frame. It'll take at least that long to process all of this and go through the grieving process to the point where you can make some sound decisions about your future. Of course, those processes will take much longer than three months but like I said, you want to get to the point where your emotions are at least somewhat less in control of your thinking. It sounds like things at home aren't unbearably toxic, so take your time. Is your wife giving you every scrap of information you're asking for and if so, do you think she's telling you the truth? Were any of these guys married at the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Gorrilla, She has given me alot of information and has been in no contact with the POSOM for well over two years, so she says. She doesn't want me to confront him becuase she knows that I have a very bad temper and is afraid that I will hurt the OM and get into legal trouble. I know enough to have a clear picture of these events. My wife told me that we were in a bad place during this time and wants us to work to put this behind us. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Gorrilla, She has given me alot of information and has been in no contact with the POSOM for well over two years, so she says. She doesn't want me to confront him becuase she knows that I have a very bad temper and is afraid that I will hurt the OM and get into legal trouble. I know enough to have a clear picture of these events. My wife told me that we were in a bad place during this time and wants us to work to put this behind us. Is her former OM married? If so does his wife know?: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Sandy, No he wasn't at the time, he was no where near my caliber, not to be an arrogant azz. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 The other mom's knew or suspected and probably talked about them to their husbands, I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't odds already on when your wife will be busted and thrown to the curb. Guess how many people saw them in the bars hooking up with men, you guys are the talk of the town. You even caught them in a hook up the night you went to the bar. Talk to those husbands and to your bartender friend. Tell them that you know that she cheated and would appreciate any details. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Buckeye, I am making enquiries that is why I haven't committed to reconciliation at the present. I am expecting much more trickle truth before this is over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I am expecting much more trickle truth before this is over. Wise, because that's usually the case. I'd tell your wife that the only shot she has at R is to lay all the truth on the table NOW. That if you find out later about significant details (and you get sole deciding authority to determine what those are), it's over for sure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) I already said his indiscretion didn't match up to hers. But he needs to start being honest, to get anywhere. With all due respect, and I do respect you, you are way out of line here. The OP has been very open and honest and has allowed his wife to make way too much of this other woman than was warranted. Remember the wife cloned everything and secretly saw everything. She knew that the OP shut the other woman down quickly. She knew that the OP never was physical with this other woman in any way. She knew that the OP never told the other woman that he loved her or any other such thing. For her to use this as an excuse to bang other men is appalling. But then again, cheaters always try to hold their spouses to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves to as an excuse to justify their cheating. For you to buy into this blame shifting is surprising. If anyone needs to start to be honest here, you should reread the thread and acknowledge that she is just blame shifting. I usually agree with you, but not in this case. Edited August 28, 2015 by Try 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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