Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[TX-SC]

Well, it looks like you are most likely going to end up divorced. Good luck meeting with the lawyer today. Don't allow her to manipulate you into giving her more than she deserves in the divorce.

 

Oh, and as cruel as it may sound, you may eventually want to start talking to that coworker again. Don't do anything until the divorce is well under way and you have accepted this and moved on. But, if there is an interest there, it may be easier than getting back into the dating scene.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I am going to the lawyer today at 4:00pm, I will update this when I can.

[TX-SC]

You did tell her, but well after her events (you didnt know it at the time) happened. This is quite tragic really, it seems you both really do care about each other, but both of you are too stubborn to admit it and would rather hide how you both feel about things. She feels your not telling her about your co worker is a sign of your betrayal, but hers tops yours by far. You now cannot forgive her for her cheating (no one is blaming you for that) As I said, tragic this all boils down to miscommunication by both parties. For me personally, if my partner didnt tell me somethingas important as a randy co worker coming on to them I would wonder why didnt you tell me ect, why hide it. Something wouldnt sit right if you can understand?

 

Someone else posted a while ago about how his wife was having an affair and was leaving him, it transpired she had found he had posted an advert on a dating website saying how he loved his wife but wanted NSA sex. He said nothing came of it he was just bored at the time, but to his wife.....you can imagine. She didnt see it that way. That set in motion her believeing he had cheated, she also kept it to herself and it ate away at her. She only told him she knew of his advert after her affair was discovered. Like I said im not blaming here, just trying to understand that maybe if things had been different back then, it might not be the way it is now. This could be fixable IF you both want it. Could you both forgive?

 

I'm not convinced that he did anything wrong. He had an issue with a coworker coming onto him and he shut it down. I think it might have caused more harm than good to bother his wife with it. If he felt like he might reciprocate or cheat, then yes, he needed to talk to her about it.

 

Many women on here talk about how they get hit on constantly and have to turn away men. Most husbands don't WANT to know about that. They just want their wife to be a good partner and not entertain any notions of cheating. I see this as no different. She hit on him, he shut it down.

[Sandy43]

I think your wife is just using the messages from the woman as work an exuse to blame you for her behaviour, don't fall for it. She is the only one responsible for her mistakes. She was monitoring your accounts so she would have seen that you were not sending messages back and engaging in inappropriate behaviour. That whole excuse is just not believable to me, it's more blameshifting and I think your wife is a pro at it. If she wants to work things out with you and try to save the M then she needs to take responsibility for her own actions.

I suspected my husband of having an A (which he was), I said nothing and investigated, when I got evidence I confronted. This is pretty much the same story alot of BS's have, I have yet to come across someone who said they suspected their spouse of cheating, found proof and did not confront they just decided to have their own affair instead and let the spouse keep cheating... absolutely ridiculous.

[jbrent890]

Tunera, Yes I can see where this is cheating in my wife’s oranyone’s eyes and she has told me that exactly. I did not have an affair, I didnot cheat emotionally, I shut this down immediately. I did tell my wife, but itwas after the fact and I told her that I was sorry for keeping it from her. My Wifeis very emotional and is prone to getting very upset with me over anything thatthreatens our security. She relies on me for everything and becomes afraid if Iget sick or am not available. I am being honest and I will not sugar coatanything here, if I deserve the lumps, I will take them

Alive, yes I did tell my Wife that I should have told her;however these events along with the toxic friends led us to this. I fully admitall that I did to damage my marriage and I am not proud of it. But you arecorrect that this didn’t make her cheat it was her choice.

Buckeye, I was always afraid to rock the boat, when thingsare good between us they are great when they are bad they are horrible.

Celestial, I did tell her that I was sorry for this I nevermeant to hurt her or make her feel insecure. I do think a good portion of thisis on me to get us where we are now

 

At the end of the day bro, your wife was going to cheat on you. She would have used any excuse to cheat. She is using the "well I thought you cheated" excuse because its the most convenient. I tend to not steer anyone into R or D, but in my opinion, I don't think you have enough to work with here. Nearly 3 years of IC and she is still blaming you for her cheating. Not to mention her other insecurities, which should have been addressed in IC as well. I'm not going to beat you over the head about not talking to her about the coworker. You knew it was wrong, but at the end of the day, nothing happened. Its weird, I actually just read an article about people cheating on their partners because they felt that they were more than they deserved. Your wife is no different. Some people cheat as a means of self sabotage. She feels that she doesn't deserve you, so its easier for her to push away, so you don't do it to her. Your wife needs to find a new counselor and get this issued addressed.

[TX-SC]

I think your wife is just using the messages from the woman as work an exuse to blame you for her behaviour, don't fall for it. She is the only one responsible for her mistakes. She was monitoring your accounts so she would have seen that you were not sending messages back and engaging in inappropriate behaviour. That whole excuse is just not believable to me, it's more blameshifting and I think your wife is a pro at it. If she wants to work things out with you and try to save the M then she needs to take responsibility for her own actions.

I suspected my husband of having an A (which he was), I said nothing and investigated, when I got evidence I confronted. This is pretty much the same story alot of BS's have, I have yet to come across someone who said they suspected their spouse of cheating, found proof and did not confront they just decided to have their own affair instead and let the spouse keep cheating... absolutely ridiculous.

 

Absolutely. She is gaslighting the hell out of him right now. It's just an excuse to make herself feel better.

[Bigdaddyt]

TXSC, I know that she is gas lighting me, I also know that she is being consumed by guilt. I am waiting for her to breakdown and give me a full accounting of what has happened. It will then make my choice clear.

[sandylee1]

I'm not going to blame the OP here. It's really about how you respond to a woman chasing you. Did you respond to the emails from the coworker in a way that might suggest you were interested? Or did you shut it down straight away? How long or how many emails did she send you?

 

If I saw such an email from a woman to my H, the most important thing is how he responds to that.

 

If a coworker was pursuing me, I wouldn't necessarily tell my H, because I can handle it. He'd only become very upset and jealous about it. I would respond by saying that I'm married and not interested, so please do not send such messages to me again.

There is no crime in being hit on, as long as you shut it down straight away. Don't let anyone convince you that you cheated, you didn't.

 

Somehow, I don't think you responded this way. You were probably quite flattered by the attention.

 

Your wife thinking you cheated, was no reason for her to cheat. She was looking for a reason to cheat. Do not blame yourself for her cheating.

 

You seem to have changed your position from, if I found out she cheated with a man, we're over. You seem to be open to reconcile .....or am I wrong?

[Bigdaddyt]

Sandy, I did not respond to any of the emails and I never did anything to make her think that I was interested in pursuing any relationship. I was and am obsessed with my wife.i would not have ever threatened our relationship for an affair.

[ShatteredLady]

Can we back-up a bit? You said,

 

"She had at the time cloned my personal email and LinkedIn accounts on her IPhone and saw emails from a female coworker that she thought were inappropriate. The coworker was married and we were on the same level in the company that I previously worked for. The coworker did become a problem by telling me that she really liked me and started sending me gifts at work. I shut this down almost immediately, but I didn’t tell my wife."

 

Are you sure your wife didn't come to a site like this for advise & was told to monitor you? Is this coworker completely crazy? It takes even a 'stalker woman' a while to build-up to gifts! Were you chatting & flirting a bit? If your wife could see everything why wasn't she seeing you saying "I'm married. Only talk to me about business!" right from the start? She was reading SOMETHING to start monitoring you. If she was reading the CORRECT responses from you why did she go to these steps?

I know I'm bias. I've monitored my H's mail & "Innocent friendship" (as he described it) is NOT what I was reading!

 

This DOES change things in my opinion. You have a very insecure, emotional wife who doesn't trust you. I choose to believe you here (never physically cheating) but are you a natural flirt? That co-worker is either a completely CRAZY lady or you did say things to encourage her at the start & that's what your wife read. Then you started deleting things to hide them from her...that's what she was seeing. THAT's why she bonded with those women going through divorces. It's horrible being in Moms Club with all those new mothers going on about how wonderful & romantic their husbands are when you're MONITORING H conversations & not liking what you're reading.

 

I'm not excusing her behavior but I think you guys need to do a lot of talking.

[Sandy43]

Can we back-up a bit? You said,

 

"She had at the time cloned my personal email and LinkedIn accounts on her IPhone and saw emails from a female coworker that she thought were inappropriate. The coworker was married and we were on the same level in the company that I previously worked for. The coworker did become a problem by telling me that she really liked me and started sending me gifts at work. I shut this down almost immediately, but I didn’t tell my wife."

 

Are you sure your wife didn't come to a site like this for advise & was told to monitor you? Is this coworker completely crazy? It takes even a 'stalker woman' a while to build-up to gifts! Were you chatting & flirting a bit? If your wife could see everything why wasn't she seeing you saying "I'm married. Only talk to me about business!" right from the start? She was reading SOMETHING to start monitoring you. If she was reading the CORRECT responses from you why did she go to these steps?

I know I'm bias. I've monitored my H's mail & "Innocent friendship" (as he described it) is NOT what I was reading!

 

This DOES change things in my opinion. You have a very insecure, emotional wife who doesn't trust you. I choose to believe you here (never physically cheating) but are you a natural flirt? That co-worker is either a completely CRAZY lady or you did say things to encourage her at the start & that's what your wife read. Then you started deleting things to hide them from her...that's what she was seeing. THAT's why she bonded with those women going through divorces. It's horrible being in Moms Club with all those new mothers going on about how wonderful & romantic their husbands are when you're MONITORING H conversations & not liking what you're reading.

 

I'm not excusing her behavior but I think you guys need to do a lot of talking.

 

It is common for cheaters to be suspicious of their spouses

[Bigdaddyt]

Shattered Lady, I do not flirt and I am always conscience of not over stepping boundaries. I will only kiss my wife's girlfriends on the side of the cheek (Italian thing) and I never get myself into a bad situation. My wife's Father worked as a homicide detective and she also worked in law enforcement. She could have been coached by Jill who always suspected her husband was cheating.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I have a lot of quirks and short comings but I am a very loyal person, all of my friends have been life long friends. I do love my Wife she is the Mother of my children and if it is possible to fix this I will try. I don't know if I can.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Like I said, i'm not blaming anyone here for this, but i'm feeling something different with the tone of this thread. I think OP has realised his omission has caused some of the problems, and is now deeply sorry. I do believe they still love each other, but both need to sit down and talk calmly. OP has said he MAY be able to fix it and try to R, at least let him try. Honestly OP, I said how I would feel knowing my partner kept something like that from me. Some people do think that way. Sure she would be mad/jealous/upset, but look where NOT telling her has lead to. You didn't do anything wrong with the co-worker, but does your wife know that for sure? Her decision to go the whole way and cheat is 100% on her though. Was she out looking for it, or do you think it's more she got in with a bad crowd? Again, no excuses. She has her own brain to think with (but if she is like me in thinking why did he keep it secret) that would fester in her mind, maybe becoming something it wasn't (which it wasn't) so to her, she felt justified. Again, completely wrong and completely the wrong way to go about it.

 

No one but you can decide what you can and cannot accept, I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

[qubist]

All: I have a lot of quirks and short comings but I am a very loyal person, all of my friends have been life long friends. I do love my Wife she is the Mother of my children and if it is possible to fix this I will try. I don't know if I can.

we all have quirks and short coming, you seem to be a nice guy and I really wish you a good luck. it is clear that what everyone here thinks happened did in fact happen. she seems to be insecure and very most likely cheated and instead of facing the facts and acting upon them, she instead sitting there fighting emotions, guilt and insecurity, all that will lead to her eventually breaking down.

does she go to any counseling, if not do her a favor and recommend one.

[Bigdaddyt]

Celestial and Qubist, getting ready to leave to meet with my attorney, I just wanted to say that this thread has been a painful journey of discovery, not just about the affair but about myself. I had to look at things differently when you are hit on the head with them. That is why the tone changes with the thread. I am going to continue my journey to its logical conclusion knowing that I gave everything that I had and held nothing back.

[singer23]

Oy vey.

 

Actually, you DID cheat. You withheld communications with another woman from your wife FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT.

 

You reap what you sow, dude. Suddenly YOU can't stand the thought of HER cheating and you're throwing her away?

 

smh

 

 

This person is the definition of idiot. Let the admins ban me if they want to. What an utterly useless and dangerous advice particularly for a person in a situation like OP.

 

Get a life instead of spending your entire life on forums giving useless hateful advice.

[singer23]

He always accusing you of cheating and insecurities is called projecting. Google it up. She was "projecting" her own negative thoughts back onto you so that 1) She can control you using these false premises.

[66Charger]

Wow, this is becoming the textbook example of blame shifting.

I get text and emails/flirts from xs/others. I may delete them right away, I may not. My phone is never turned off.

 

If you cheat on me because you "thought" something because I received a message and I clearly didnt reply, and you know it because YOU CLONED MY EMAILS

 

Your still fired.

Edited August 27, 2015 by 66Charger

[Celestial-dreamer]

Wow, this is becoming the textbook example of blame shifting.

I get text and emails/flirts from xs/others. I may delete them right away, I may not. My phone is never turned off.

 

If you cheat on me because you "thought" something because I received a message and I clearly didnt reply, and you know it because YOU CLONED MY EMAILS

 

Your still fired.

 

BIB: Isn't this what BS are told to do?? Find ANY and all proof ANYWAY they can? People on here will even HELP a BS get this info through phones etc.

 

Maybe her *friends* told her to snoop so she could justify to herself, seeing something that was, but wasn't there (if you know what I mean) Telling her "oooh look your H has had a bit, your turn", just to snare OP's wife into their world.

 

But this is all a maybe. MAYBE she wouldn't have cheated had she not THOUGHT he had. I think OP has made his choice. GL today with your meeting.

[aliveagain]

Bigdaddyt, even when we look at the Mom's Group your wife belonged to, not all the mom's cheated on their husbands. It just so happened that your wife chose to bond with the two that did, coincidence or a case of like attracting like? The other mom's saw what was going on, two women cheated and their husbands divorced them, your wife is the third amigo, her days were numbered and she knew you were on to her. Too many people knew about the three of them, the men they cheated with knew and scum like that like to brag(see Zingers post on this site) and can't be trusted to keep a secret. The other mom's knew or suspected and probably talked about them to their husbands, I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't odds already on when your wife will be busted and thrown to the curb. Guess how many people saw them in the bars hooking up with men, you guys are the talk of the town. You even caught them in a hook up the night you went to the bar.

 

Your wife was going to cheat on you regardless of what she read in your emails. She was looking for the right excuse to justify to herself that she was entitled to some strange dick. The emails had nothing to do with her being unfaithful. You may even discover that she was the aggressor and chased the other man. Sorry but that's what I believe to be true and I would be shocked if I'm wrong. Both your wife and her dad worked in law enforcement, she knows when the evidence is too strong to deny. You need to expose the other men to their wives and you may want to give the other husbands a heads up on the mom's group that it's not a good place for their wives to be if they want their marriages to survive.

[sandylee1]

Your wife began looking because she wanted to cheat and if you were cheating it would have made her feel better. She didn't get the proof, so she put Jill on the case to try and get you into the sack. This is what you should have told her about as previous said. If my H's friend hit on me like that, I'd tell him for sure.

 

Then I'd expect him to drop that friend right away, because no true friend hits on your spouse.

 

If it's a stranger or coworker, then I'm not obliged to say anything, I shut it down straight off. I've done this in the past and continue to do so. What's the point in me telling him some guy is after me or asked me out? I'm capable of handling it.

 

OP - I have to wonder if you shut it down straight off, why would she send you gifts? Perhaps rather than ignore, you should have said in writing "I'm happily married and not interested". If your wife saw this, she would have known for sure you weren't cheating but it's nowhere near an excuse for her going with other men.

 

You DIDN'T cheat. YOUR WIFE did.

[turnera]

Tunera, Yes I can see where this is cheating in my wife’s or anyone’s eyes and she has told me that exactly. I did not have an affair, I did not cheat emotionally, I shut this down immediately.

Actually, you yourself said you shut it down ALMOST immediately. Not immediately. In fact, slowly enough that she was sending you gifts. Women don't send men gifts if the men aren't reciprocating in the flirting. If you can't be honest with yourself and us, your problems will only continue.

 

I'm not saying your indiscretion was at the same level of hers, but please, let's try to be honest, yes?

 

I think your wife needs help to deal with her insecurities. But you also seem very very quick to cut the demon's head off. Perhaps you were silently hoping for a valid reason to leave her?

[66Charger]

Quick to cut the demons head off?

 

How delusional.

 

Having sex with 3 guys while married IS A DAMN GOOD REASON TO DIVORCE.

 

And he ate this crap for a long period of time?

 

Whats quick about that, blameshifter.

Edited August 28, 2015 by 66Charger

[turnera]

I already said his indiscretion didn't match up to hers.

 

But he needs to start being honest, to get anywhere.