aliveagain Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Bigdaddyt, keeping his identity from you is the same as choosing to protect him over you regardless of her excuse. My guess is it's worse than you think and the other man knows some of her secrets and would expose her to save his own ass. The O/M are always crazy, have some badass guns behind every door in the house and they are always trying to keep you away from their affair partner to protect you. Bullsh*t, their protecting their own a$$. Other man knew he was banging the married wife of some big badass dude, didn't stop him did it and it went on for how many months/years? I agree with Gorilla, she gets one chance for all the truth no matter how painful it is, any new information discovered later is an automatic divorce. You need a written timeline with how it started, everything they did, where they did it, how often, who knew but didn't tell you, who ended it and why, did she tell him she loved him, all of it. An absolutely remorseful wayward wife will do anything to save their marriage and family. Choosing to protect the identify of the man or men she cheated with is not remorseful. Tell her you've already met with a lawyer and even though your preference is your family you won't hesitate to pull the trigger on what's left of your marriage if you feel you haven't got all the truth or she isn't doing the work to fix the disaster she created. Start with STD testing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Gorillia, I am going to make my WW give me a complete accounting of her affair,but in her current mental state she would fail. Trying to minimize her guilt and pain. So I will wait for her to come to me with this truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I fully agree with your post and pretty much all the advice that you have given me here at LS. I know who he is and I will see him face to face very soon. I will ask him for a full accounting and I plan to see Jill. My wife asked me not to speak with Jill because she is unstable and has substance problems. Red Flag, I absolutely have to speak to all parties involved. Please understand that this D Day is only a week old for me and my emotions are still raw. I am making my way through this the best that I can. I don't think that I would have found this affair out had it not been for this forum and everyone's contributions to it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I fully agree with your post and pretty much all the advice that you have given me here at LS. I know who he is and I will see him face to face very soon. I will ask him for a full accounting and I plan to see Jill. My wife asked me not to speak with Jill because she is unstable and has substance problems. Red Flag, I absolutely have to speak to all parties involved. Please understand that this D Day is only a week old for me and my emotions are still raw. I am making my way through this the best that I can. I don't think that I would have found this affair out had it not been for this forum and everyone's contributions to it. A lot of us have been where you are now and know how hard it is, you are holding up well. Just try to take care of yourself, eating and sleeping were both very difficult for me after dday (as it is for most BS's). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 She wants to get back to where you were, unfortunately that's as impossible as being able to unfu*k herself, sorry for the bluntness but it gets my point across. The best you can hope for is a new relationship that starts now because you both know the real person your in a relationship with. Trying to live with the knowledge of what she did to you as your wife is the hardest part of this as a guy. Some guy soiled her, she freely allowed it to happen and may have aggressively sought it out and you have to eat the sh*t sandwich if you want to remain in a relationship with her. The balance can never be made right, the best you can hope for is acceptance in time but it will always be there in the back of your mind. This is the decision only you can make BDT and if you can you may find you may still need to divorce her, new rings, new vows. There is no going back to what was because what was doesn't exist anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
starpower Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I would say the seemingly sudden end to your wifes friendship with Jill. Along with how she does not want you to make contact with her is a big red flat. Tells me that something has happened there and is afraid Jill might reveal this knowledge to you. That your wife is already saying jill is unstable and suffers substance problems, seems she's making her excuses early in-case Jill delves some information that your wife doesn't want you to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I know that there is no true win for me here. I cannot undo this and I will have to live with it going forward. It doesn't matter if we D or R I still have to live everyday with this monkey on my back. Reading all the many threads here that is close to impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Star power, there is no question about this. Jill called about six months ago and when my wife saw who it was turned pale. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I fully agree with your post and pretty much all the advice that you have given me here at LS. I know who he is and I will see him face to face very soon. I will ask him for a full accounting and I plan to see Jill. My wife asked me not to speak with Jill because she is unstable and has substance problems. Red Flag, I absolutely have to speak to all parties involved. Please understand that this D Day is only a week old for me and my emotions are still raw. I am making my way through this the best that I can. I don't think that I would have found this affair out had it not been for this forum and everyone's contributions to it. I would go full exposure on all. If you don't you will regret it long term. Why should you experience all the pain. I believe in sharing! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Sandy, I am sorry I missed your post, trying to use my iPhone. Yes I am surviving in style, and I have gone to the gym three times this week.i usually go everyday , but too depressed until recently. I have lost about 12 pounds on the cheaters diet, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Marc, I won't expose unless I bail or I find that the affair is still ongoing. At the point I would bail anyway. I couldn't reconcile if everyone knew. I also want to protect the children. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 My guess is Jill is going to tell you that there are more men than she has confessed to. It's always worse than they tell you that's why you need all the truth before you agree to reconciliation. How can you reconcile if you don't know how deep the rabbit hole is? Here is your other problem, hearing the truth from Jill or other man isn't the same as hearing it from your wayward wife. How can you know how remorseful she is if she's still trickle truthing you? Is she protecting her perceived image of who she is, who you thought she was, who her father thinks she is because telling you all the truth means she has to accept it herself. Have you asked your wife for a written timeline? If you have give her a completion date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 S2B, I am prepared for the worst possible outcome and will wait for a three months before I make my decision on R or D Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I was a very good investigator and I know that there is much more going on. I will dig until I know the unadulterated truth. I guess I should say the adulterated truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 S2B, I am prepared for the worst possible outcome and will wait for a three months before I make my decision on R or D Bigdaddy: I think you are handling it right so far, maybe you don't see it this way but I think you are showing some strength here, this is a very hard spot you are in and we are all here to support you through it. just make sure you are not beating yourself too much, mental fatigue makes the best of us do stupid things, try to relax little bit so you would be ready for the big battle. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Welcome to Limbo. Unless she practically kills herself to make things up to you this is going to be your life for a long time to come. People that cheat have far more wrong with them than just having sex with someone else. You have said it yourself she has a lot of issues. Those issues are not going to be worked out in three months let alone six months. She has to really want to change who she is and be dedicated to that. I would bet money while some things will be good in three months you will be back here feeling exactly how you do now. Lost and hurt. I respect that you have to give it a try and I know everyone has to walk there own path. I hope things turn out for you and the only reason you come back is to say hi and your both doing great. I have no problem being wrong and in fact I think would welcome it. C Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Qubist, Thankyou for your encouraging words, I am trying to be strong and fair, but reading all the many threads here on LS I don't give R much of a chance. I am documenting everything and I will find the whole truth. My wife just called me to tell me she wants to move back into our bedroom, I told her that I don't think that I am ready for that at the present. I have a very high sex drive and I will probably cave on this in the near future. Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 All: I met with an attorney and he told me what I alreadyknow, that in my state the courts don’t care who is at fault or care to attach blame. They only care about equitable distribution of assets, child custody and support. I can get 50/50 custody, but I am going to pay a great deal for a longperiod of time. It is what it is. When I got home last night I told my wife I was cancelling the reservations and she said that she would really like for us to go and talk.We went I didn’t give her a gift or card and I am not wearing my wedding ring.At dinner she told me that she is so sorry for her bad choices and wants us toget back to where we once were. She told me that she loves me and wants to fixus and that she will be a better wife and work on her problems if I give her achance. I told her that I do love her but at the present I cannot commit to reconciliation; because I don’t want it to be just idle words. I want R to be atrue R and I cannot truly commit to it right now, but I hope that I can softenmy heart to try (feeling too much hurt). She said that she is sad that she truly feels that I don’tknow how much that I am loved do to my past and she feels that she is at faultfor this. I told her that my past was all on me and she wasn’t responsible formy issues or how it affected us in our relationship. I have committed to fix me regardless of what happens to us. She now truly sees what she stands to lose and that we are on the brink. We are currently living separately in the same house. She asked me last night if she could move back into the marital bedroomwith me. Last night I had a little too much to drink and told her that tonightisn’t a good night we can talk tomorrow. I know that I am and have always been her plan A regardless of her infidelity. I do not want to breakup another family but I don’t know ifI can get over my hurt. I can’t bear to see her in this pain she appears lost.I did commit to give us three months to try and work on our relationship and on myself. And this is 2 days after lashing out at you with extreme anger and blaming you for non-existent issues Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, Yes it was my Wifes choice to cheat and now it is my choice to stay or leave and I haven't made that choice. Sandy, Yes my Wife made her choice , but was influenced by her toxic friends that were already on that slippery slope. Tunera, I did shut down the office coworker when I realized where she was going with the relationship, but due admit that I handled it poorly and I told my wife this. I take 50% responsibility for the conditions of our marriage maybe even 60% but I take no responsibility for her cheating. Maybe she was the toxic one among her friends. Gorrilla, She has given me alot of information and has been in no contact with the POSOM for well over two years, so she says. She doesn't want me to confront him becuase she knows that I have a very bad temper and is afraid that I will hurt the OM and get into legal trouble. I know enough to have a clear picture of these events. My wife told me that we were in a bad place during this time and wants us to work to put this behind us. How are you verifying what she told you ? She might have multiple affairs and the affair did not end 2 years back. be naive at your own peril. she hasn't even confessed 10% of what she did and she already wants to put this behind while blatantly blaming you for the affair ? The bad time might well bee due to her guilt of the affair Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Singer, I am going with my gut, it is always right. I am verifying by using an investigative tool called a finding of fact, I used this in the military with good success . You make a timeline and list undisputed facts and then add your suspicions and work to prove or disprove them. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Singer, I am going with my gut, it is always right. I am verifying by using an investigative tool called a finding of fact, I used this in the military with good success . You make a timeline and list undisputed facts and then add your suspicions and work to prove or disprove them. Always trust your gut because even when they confess the truth you will find that it is often a very minimalized version of the truth. Wait until you start piecing together your undisputed facts and discover how many times you had sex with her after coming home from one of her girl night outs than realizing that's when she and O/M had sex. Ya, you both had her within hours of each other. Some of these things don't hit you right away but they will hit you and then you have to wonder about who she really is to be able to do such heartless and despicable things to someone she claims to love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I know everything that you wrote is the truth, I am starting to dread going home tonight. It is the weekend and that means that we will be together for its entirety. Not a good sign. I will update on Monday morning Thanks BDT Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I know everything that you wrote is the truth, I am starting to dread going home tonight. It is the weekend and that means that we will be together for its entirety. Not a good sign. I will update on Monday morning Thanks BDT Be there for your children, enjoy every moment with them because you don't know what changes are coming yet. Google the 180 and memorize, use as much of it as you think is applicable to your situation. The 180 will help you, not as a form of revenge against her but as a way for you to separate yourself from your situation allowing you to think clearly. She will do her best to get you to think the way she wants you to think including the use of sex, guilt and your children. When things get too hard to endure, leave the house and visit a friend or family member or just go to bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 No one says you need to spend that time with her. Heck, if you want to get out without her in tow - go. See a movie or play golf. Let her see you will have a good life whether she changes or not. No need to stay home and babysit her. Get busy living. So many people get lost in the other person they forget all about there life. I know I was one of these people. I could not see that until I was divorced but now I see it clearly. I think that is a serious correlation between the people that are more active in there own life and the ones that are not when it compares to who reconciles or not. It could also be said that those people that are more into there own life are also more stable about who they are and how infidelity affects them. C Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I was a very good investigator and I know that there is much more going on. I will dig until I know the unadulterated truth. I guess I should say the adulterated truth. So your wife knows your going to contact Jill and OM? Are you sure she hasn't or isn't going to get in there first to agree on a story between them? I also now think she may well have had more than one/three affairs/trysts and this Jill knows all about it. The OM, you said he wasn't married AT THE TIME, does that mean he since has? how long was he with his partner? it may mean he was cheating on her. If so, she deserves to know. Your doing the right thing in not moving back into the bedroom, she may try to trap you with a pregnancy (it happens a lot) Keep your stance that unless you get the whole truth it's a D. Link to post Share on other sites
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