Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 All: I met with an attorney and he told me what I alreadyknow, that in my state the courts don’t care who is at fault or care to attach blame. They only care about equitable distribution of assets, child custody and support. I can get 50/50 custody, but I am going to pay a great deal for a longperiod of time. It is what it is. When I got home last night I told my wife I was cancelling the reservations and she said that she would really like for us to go and talk.We went I didn’t give her a gift or card and I am not wearing my wedding ring.At dinner she told me that she is so sorry for her bad choices and wants us toget back to where we once were. She told me that she loves me and wants to fixus and that she will be a better wife and work on her problems if I give her achance. I told her that I do love her but at the present I cannot commit to reconciliation; because I don’t want it to be just idle words. I want R to be atrue R and I cannot truly commit to it right now, but I hope that I can softenmy heart to try (feeling too much hurt). She said that she is sad that she truly feels that I don’tknow how much that I am loved do to my past and she feels that she is at faultfor this. I told her that my past was all on me and she wasn’t responsible formy issues or how it affected us in our relationship. I have committed to fix me regardless of what happens to us. She now truly sees what she stands to lose and that we are on the brink. We are currently living separately in the same house. She asked me last night if she could move back into the marital bedroomwith me. Last night I had a little too much to drink and told her that tonightisn’t a good night we can talk tomorrow. I know that I am and have always been her plan A regardless of her infidelity. I do not want to breakup another family but I don’t know ifI can get over my hurt. I can’t bear to see her in this pain she appears lost.I did commit to give us three months to try and work on our relationship and on myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, Yes it was my Wifes choice to cheat and now it is my choice to stay or leave and I haven't made that choice. Sandy, Yes my Wife made her choice , but was influenced by her toxic friends that were already on that slippery slope. Tunera, I did shut down the office coworker when I realized where she was going with the relationship, but due admit that I handled it poorly and I told my wife this. I take 50% responsibility for the conditions of our marriage maybe even 60% but I take no responsibility for her cheating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Three months sounds like a fairly reasonable time frame. It'll take at least that long to process all of this and go through the grieving process to the point where you can make some sound decisions about your future. Of course, those processes will take much longer than three months but like I said, you want to get to the point where your emotions are at least somewhat less in control of your thinking. It sounds like things at home aren't unbearably toxic, so take your time. Is your wife giving you every scrap of information you're asking for and if so, do you think she's telling you the truth? Were any of these guys married at the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Gorrilla, She has given me alot of information and has been in no contact with the POSOM for well over two years, so she says. She doesn't want me to confront him becuase she knows that I have a very bad temper and is afraid that I will hurt the OM and get into legal trouble. I know enough to have a clear picture of these events. My wife told me that we were in a bad place during this time and wants us to work to put this behind us. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Gorrilla, She has given me alot of information and has been in no contact with the POSOM for well over two years, so she says. She doesn't want me to confront him becuase she knows that I have a very bad temper and is afraid that I will hurt the OM and get into legal trouble. I know enough to have a clear picture of these events. My wife told me that we were in a bad place during this time and wants us to work to put this behind us. Is her former OM married? If so does his wife know?: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Sandy, No he wasn't at the time, he was no where near my caliber, not to be an arrogant azz. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 The other mom's knew or suspected and probably talked about them to their husbands, I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't odds already on when your wife will be busted and thrown to the curb. Guess how many people saw them in the bars hooking up with men, you guys are the talk of the town. You even caught them in a hook up the night you went to the bar. Talk to those husbands and to your bartender friend. Tell them that you know that she cheated and would appreciate any details. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Buckeye, I am making enquiries that is why I haven't committed to reconciliation at the present. I am expecting much more trickle truth before this is over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I am expecting much more trickle truth before this is over. Wise, because that's usually the case. I'd tell your wife that the only shot she has at R is to lay all the truth on the table NOW. That if you find out later about significant details (and you get sole deciding authority to determine what those are), it's over for sure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) I already said his indiscretion didn't match up to hers. But he needs to start being honest, to get anywhere. With all due respect, and I do respect you, you are way out of line here. The OP has been very open and honest and has allowed his wife to make way too much of this other woman than was warranted. Remember the wife cloned everything and secretly saw everything. She knew that the OP shut the other woman down quickly. She knew that the OP never was physical with this other woman in any way. She knew that the OP never told the other woman that he loved her or any other such thing. For her to use this as an excuse to bang other men is appalling. But then again, cheaters always try to hold their spouses to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves to as an excuse to justify their cheating. For you to buy into this blame shifting is surprising. If anyone needs to start to be honest here, you should reread the thread and acknowledge that she is just blame shifting. I usually agree with you, but not in this case. Edited August 28, 2015 by Try 8 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Bigdaddyt, keeping his identity from you is the same as choosing to protect him over you regardless of her excuse. My guess is it's worse than you think and the other man knows some of her secrets and would expose her to save his own ass. The O/M are always crazy, have some badass guns behind every door in the house and they are always trying to keep you away from their affair partner to protect you. Bullsh*t, their protecting their own a$$. Other man knew he was banging the married wife of some big badass dude, didn't stop him did it and it went on for how many months/years? I agree with Gorilla, she gets one chance for all the truth no matter how painful it is, any new information discovered later is an automatic divorce. You need a written timeline with how it started, everything they did, where they did it, how often, who knew but didn't tell you, who ended it and why, did she tell him she loved him, all of it. An absolutely remorseful wayward wife will do anything to save their marriage and family. Choosing to protect the identify of the man or men she cheated with is not remorseful. Tell her you've already met with a lawyer and even though your preference is your family you won't hesitate to pull the trigger on what's left of your marriage if you feel you haven't got all the truth or she isn't doing the work to fix the disaster she created. Start with STD testing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Gorillia, I am going to make my WW give me a complete accounting of her affair,but in her current mental state she would fail. Trying to minimize her guilt and pain. So I will wait for her to come to me with this truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I fully agree with your post and pretty much all the advice that you have given me here at LS. I know who he is and I will see him face to face very soon. I will ask him for a full accounting and I plan to see Jill. My wife asked me not to speak with Jill because she is unstable and has substance problems. Red Flag, I absolutely have to speak to all parties involved. Please understand that this D Day is only a week old for me and my emotions are still raw. I am making my way through this the best that I can. I don't think that I would have found this affair out had it not been for this forum and everyone's contributions to it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I fully agree with your post and pretty much all the advice that you have given me here at LS. I know who he is and I will see him face to face very soon. I will ask him for a full accounting and I plan to see Jill. My wife asked me not to speak with Jill because she is unstable and has substance problems. Red Flag, I absolutely have to speak to all parties involved. Please understand that this D Day is only a week old for me and my emotions are still raw. I am making my way through this the best that I can. I don't think that I would have found this affair out had it not been for this forum and everyone's contributions to it. A lot of us have been where you are now and know how hard it is, you are holding up well. Just try to take care of yourself, eating and sleeping were both very difficult for me after dday (as it is for most BS's). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 She wants to get back to where you were, unfortunately that's as impossible as being able to unfu*k herself, sorry for the bluntness but it gets my point across. The best you can hope for is a new relationship that starts now because you both know the real person your in a relationship with. Trying to live with the knowledge of what she did to you as your wife is the hardest part of this as a guy. Some guy soiled her, she freely allowed it to happen and may have aggressively sought it out and you have to eat the sh*t sandwich if you want to remain in a relationship with her. The balance can never be made right, the best you can hope for is acceptance in time but it will always be there in the back of your mind. This is the decision only you can make BDT and if you can you may find you may still need to divorce her, new rings, new vows. There is no going back to what was because what was doesn't exist anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
starpower Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I would say the seemingly sudden end to your wifes friendship with Jill. Along with how she does not want you to make contact with her is a big red flat. Tells me that something has happened there and is afraid Jill might reveal this knowledge to you. That your wife is already saying jill is unstable and suffers substance problems, seems she's making her excuses early in-case Jill delves some information that your wife doesn't want you to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I know that there is no true win for me here. I cannot undo this and I will have to live with it going forward. It doesn't matter if we D or R I still have to live everyday with this monkey on my back. Reading all the many threads here that is close to impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Star power, there is no question about this. Jill called about six months ago and when my wife saw who it was turned pale. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I fully agree with your post and pretty much all the advice that you have given me here at LS. I know who he is and I will see him face to face very soon. I will ask him for a full accounting and I plan to see Jill. My wife asked me not to speak with Jill because she is unstable and has substance problems. Red Flag, I absolutely have to speak to all parties involved. Please understand that this D Day is only a week old for me and my emotions are still raw. I am making my way through this the best that I can. I don't think that I would have found this affair out had it not been for this forum and everyone's contributions to it. I would go full exposure on all. If you don't you will regret it long term. Why should you experience all the pain. I believe in sharing! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I think you're being smart. It appears your W has had time to back peddle. She's probably realized she's about to lose her lifestyle and is trying to get you back into the position that works for her. That way she can continue flirting and cheating while you provide her the comforts she's used to. Time will show IF she intends to change herself. Does she intend to stop flirting? Stop cheating? Stop blaming you for what she's done? I hope so! I hope she shows enough change to repair what she caused - and becomes willing to fix the M. Anything less and she's just asking you to live with more lies and more cheating. Set up your requirements from her now. State them clearly. If she won't then she isn't planning to change. Counseling is a must. Get the D papers drawn up and make sure they are ready in case you decide to go that route. Give her very little in the D paperwork. Leave the papers out so she sees them. You want her motivated to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Sandy, I am sorry I missed your post, trying to use my iPhone. Yes I am surviving in style, and I have gone to the gym three times this week.i usually go everyday , but too depressed until recently. I have lost about 12 pounds on the cheaters diet, but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Marc, I won't expose unless I bail or I find that the affair is still ongoing. At the point I would bail anyway. I couldn't reconcile if everyone knew. I also want to protect the children. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 My guess is Jill is going to tell you that there are more men than she has confessed to. It's always worse than they tell you that's why you need all the truth before you agree to reconciliation. How can you reconcile if you don't know how deep the rabbit hole is? Here is your other problem, hearing the truth from Jill or other man isn't the same as hearing it from your wayward wife. How can you know how remorseful she is if she's still trickle truthing you? Is she protecting her perceived image of who she is, who you thought she was, who her father thinks she is because telling you all the truth means she has to accept it herself. Have you asked your wife for a written timeline? If you have give her a completion date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 S2B, I am prepared for the worst possible outcome and will wait for a three months before I make my decision on R or D Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I was a very good investigator and I know that there is much more going on. I will dig until I know the unadulterated truth. I guess I should say the adulterated truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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