turnera Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Marc, I won't expose unless I bail or I find that the affair is still ongoing. At the point I would bail anyway. I couldn't reconcile if everyone knew. I also want to protect the children. The problem with this viewpoint is that it's shortsighted. Because it's not taking into account what a cheater should - must - go through in order to be a FORMER cheater. A FORMER cheater must be remorseful, must see that they have to KISS ASS to get back what they just threw away. And THAT person should - must - be willing to show real, true humility, in order to get that chance at earning back what they threw away. One thing I always recommend is that the betrayed spouse flat out tell the cheater that they must APOLOGIZE for what they did. To the betrayed spouse's parents (or siblings if the parents are dead), at least, if not offer a blanket apology to everyone who cares about the betrayed spouse (the VIPs). And if the 'former' cheater is not willing to do that...they are not a 'former' anything. They will cheat again. The apology does several things. It humbles the cheater so they're less likely to do it again. It shows the BS's VIPs that the person has learned something and just MIGHT be worth giving a second chance to. And it shows the kids that the parent might make bad choices but will OWN UP TO those bad decisions - which is a much better role model for those kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 All: I am finally realizing that I truly am in limbo hell. The WW has been on me like a dog on a bone grinding away. Constantly pointing out all my faults on an minute by minute basis. I have read and have started the 180 on her. I will attempt to keep my word to wait 90 days before pulling the D trigger, but I am losing faith on R very quickly. There truly are alien life amongst us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 I am staying away from her and going to the gym like two times a day just to get a break. I did open another bank account today and all of my investments are only in my name. I will push the 180 to see what happens, I will start IC next week. So much for her remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 All: I am finally realizing that I truly am in limbo hell. The WW has been on me like a dog on a bone grinding away. Constantly pointing out all my faults on an minute by minute basis. I have read and have started the 180 on her. I will attempt to keep my word to wait 90 days before pulling the D trigger, but I am losing faith on R very quickly. There truly are alien life amongst us. Sorry if I missed this in a previous post, but why are you delaying filing for 90 days? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Me bojangles because I have 22 years and three children invested with her. I just need to give my children this so that O can say that I gave this second chance 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Me bojangles because I have 22 years and three children invested with her. I just need to give my children this so that O can say that I gave this second chance 100%. I can understand that. But it will take some very strong patience to ride out the storm that you are currently dealing with. Does she want a divorce at this point, with all of her anger, or is she wanting you to forgive and forget it all now? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 My friend, you wait to file when you have a remorseful wayward wife. Your wife hasn't accepted ownership for trashing your trust in her and for her infidelity. Sometimes filing is the only thing that gets their attention. Remember divorce takes time and can be stopped at anytime up till the final decree. Stay on the 180, she needs to know what life without you will feel like. The next step if you decide that filing makes the most sense is to expose her infidelity to those that have influence over her. Accept no blame for her cheating, everything else can be worked out with professional help. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Because of my own experiences (& a friends terrible D) I'm very bias. Sorry if I've missed this info.... Are all of your children at school? If they're preschoolers & the Moms club is there only social connection with other little kids be careful that they're not now becoming isolated. Do YOU have any Moms Club friends? It could be good for you AND your kids to get some support from the stable regular couples that make-up 99% of the group (in my experience). The problem with women like Jill & your wife is they quickly get dumped by the other women in the group. This happened in our club. Regular couples just don't want people like that around. This is very strange & disturbing for your children. They go from a happy little routine too a strained atmosphere at home AND loosing the fun & friends that make-up their entire world. Understandably you're completely focused on your M situation. Whatever happens, particularly if you're going to become a single Dad, giving a day a week to 'normal' with your kids & another Dad with kids could be really good for you & your children. You will also get all the information known by the Moms Club! They know a lot more than you think they do!! Women talk & if they're like me & my friends they go straight home & tell their husbands! Our old neighbor (I've mentioned before) went through a similar situation. His W really 'lost it' as more truth was revealed & the D progressed. He HAD to get full custody of his children for their SAFETY. The affidavits from the Moms Club were invaluable. I'm not sure how mentally stable your wife is but you've said some worrying things. Please focus on your children. When our neighbor moved out his W moved in VERY inappropriate men. You're talking 50/50 custody. That's not always the best interest of the children. Were there children at the event where the hot tub 'thing' happened? As always hope for the best BUT always (particularly where your children are concerned) plan for the worst. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 You mentioned "A large settlement from her accident", is she on medications? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I will dig until I know the unadulterated truth. I guess I should say the adulterated truth. Or the truth about the adultery. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 All: I am finally realizing that I truly am in limbo hell. The WW has been on me like a dog on a bone grinding away. Constantly pointing out all my faults on an minute by minute basis. I have read and have started the 180 on her. I will attempt to keep my word to wait 90 days before pulling the D trigger, but I am losing faith on R very quickly. There truly are alien life amongst us. Wait. SHE cheats and then SHE blames YOU for all YOUR faults? *cough cough* doormat *cough cough* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Read No More Mr Nice Guy Read No More Mr Nice Guy Google No More Mr Nice Guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 All: I am in full 180 mode with WW and I can already see it is having an effect on her. Turnera, Thank You, may I please have another. I would only tolerate this type of behavior from my WW anyone else I would be very tough with. I am going to see this through to the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 You have to get tough BigDaddy. It is all about consequences. Start showing them to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 (edited) All: I am in full 180 mode with WW and I can already see it is having an effect on her. Turnera, Thank You, may I please have another. I would only tolerate this type of behavior from my WW anyone else I would be very tough with. I am going to see this through to the end. BDT, remember that the 180 is for you. The 180 is a list of behaviours intended to help you survive infidelity. They are the 180 opposite of what most of us are inclined to do when we first discover our spouses infidelity. It shows your spouse that you are not a doormat and are moving on in a healthy way with or without them. The one big benefit is it makes you look stronger and stronger is an attractive trait. Our first reaction upon discovery tends to be begging because the spouse that is the least committed has the power over the other spouse. The 180 levels the playing field and the sooner a betrayed spouse implements it the sooner they will see results. If the wayward spouse leaves anyway, you know sooner rather than later and your not wasting years in false reconciliation while they line their ducks up. The decision to stay and work on the marriage or divorce are still your decision, the 180 will help you through the process. You may decide to only use parts of the 180 if you are in reconciliation, that is your call to make. Glad it is having an effect, stay strong because she is expecting you to do the usual when she comes at you like a screaming banshee. The change in you is sending her a clear message that you are a changed and much stronger man. Edited August 30, 2015 by aliveagain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 All: I am in full 180 mode with WW and I can already see it is having an effect on her. Turnera, Thank You, may I please have another. I would only tolerate this type of behavior from my WW anyone else I would be very tough with. I am going to see this through to the end. Good for you, but what effect is it having on her? and on you? Are you feeling more that you can do this? can you move on and D? Can you see yourself post D being happier? I think you have decided to D anyway, GL seeing it through, it's tough. I've been D for 7 years now, it still stings. Our marriage was dissolved 1 day before what would have been our 10th anniversary. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 There is one other thing you have to find out because your wife is of Italian heritage. Ya she's American but at home when she was growing up she also lived the secret Italian ways. You never shame the family, she will have to tell her father and mother at some point if divorce is on the table. You need to find out if this is the reason she hasn't left the marriage because it's not a good enough reason to stay with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 (edited) All: It has been a tough weekend with the WW and I bickering pretty much constanly. I have started the 180 and am basically paying her no attention which is making her crazy. Her parents came down today for church and breakfast, they know something is up between us, but I don’t know what they know. WW and children are going away tomorrow for a short week with the in-law’sfor a vacation before the kids start school. WW told me today that her BFF andher kids and husband were also going down. Maybe I am just paranoid but my gut is yelling conspiracy. I am going to hire a private investigator on Monday to dothe leg work for me and the PI will not have an emotional interest in thiscase. I am starting to think that maybe my wife’s BFF and parents may know alot more than I do. My WW is supposed to be back of Thursday when she will behaving a bunch of her girlfriends over to the house for a GNO. I am seriouslythinking about dropping a few VAR around to capture their conversations. Need your thoughts on that one [i will try to respond to each of you as time permits, I have the possibility of taking a month assignment out of state for work. I am thinking that this may be great for me. I do not think that I can wait the full 90 days to decide to bail I am going to reconsider at the end of this week. IfI find that there is an recent or ongoing affair, I will go scorched earth against her which will include full exposure. Edited August 30, 2015 by Bigdaddyt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 There is one other thing you have to find out because your wife is of Italian heritage. Ya she's American but at home when she was growing up she also lived the secret Italian ways. You never shame the family, she will have to tell her father and mother at some point if divorce is on the table. You need to find out if this is the reason she hasn't left the marriage because it's not a good enough reason to stay with her. Alive, that is where I am now, I am being selfish and am wondering would it be better if we divorced. My plan now is to wait until after the week away and her party and determine what evidence I find then I will make my decision. I have had to make alot of very tough choices in my life and live with them. I am to the point that my pain is turning into anger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 S2B, I am just going with my gut in this mess I hope that some of what I feel is totally wrong. I do not think that mt wifes BFF husband is not involved, but I do think that her BFF is being very protective of my wife at the present. I will continue to turnover the rocks until I find this snake. Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 IfI find that there is an recent or ongoing affair, I will go scorched earth against her which will include full exposure. If your gut feelings are correct, everyone may already know anyway. But hiring the PI for proof positive is a good idea. This could reveal just how deep the deception runs, and whether or not her BFF and parents are aware. Sorry, but you do not owe her 90 days or 90 minutes for that matter. File and get the hell out of there! Your children will always be your children, and she can't keep them from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 All: It has been a tough weekend with the WW and I bickering pretty much constanly. I have started the 180 and am basically paying her no attention which is making her crazy. Her parents came down today for church and breakfast, they know something is up between us, but I don’t know what they know. WW and children are going away tomorrow for a short week with the in-law’sfor a vacation before the kids start school. WW told me today that her BFF andher kids and husband were also going down. Maybe I am just paranoid but my gut is yelling conspiracy. I am going to hire a private investigator on Monday to dothe leg work for me and the PI will not have an emotional interest in thiscase. I am starting to think that maybe my wife’s BFF and parents may know alot more than I do. My WW is supposed to be back of Thursday when she will behaving a bunch of her girlfriends over to the house for a GNO. I am seriouslythinking about dropping a few VAR around to capture their conversations. Need your thoughts on that one [i will try to respond to each of you as time permits, I have the possibility of taking a month assignment out of state for work. I am thinking that this may be great for me. I do not think that I can wait the full 90 days to decide to bail I am going to reconsider at the end of this week. IfI find that there is an recent or ongoing affair, I will go scorched earth against her which will include full exposure. Good plan. Nothing worse than going through this other than being in limbo and not getting the truth. You can deal with that. It's the not knowing that's kills. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 Because of my own experiences (& a friends terrible D) I'm very bias. Sorry if I've missed this info.... Are all of your children at school? If they're preschoolers & the Moms club is there only social connection with other little kids be careful that they're not now becoming isolated. Do YOU have any Moms Club friends? It could be good for you AND your kids to get some support from the stable regular couples that make-up 99% of the group (in my experience). The problem with women like Jill & your wife is they quickly get dumped by the other women in the group. This happened in our club. Regular couples just don't want people like that around. This is very strange & disturbing for your children. They go from a happy little routine too a strained atmosphere at home AND loosing the fun & friends that make-up their entire world. Understandably you're completely focused on your M situation. Whatever happens, particularly if you're going to become a single Dad, giving a day a week to 'normal' with your kids & another Dad with kids could be really good for you & your children. You will also get all the information known by the Moms Club! They know a lot more than you think they do!! Women talk & if they're like me & my friends they go straight home & tell their husbands! Our old neighbor (I've mentioned before) went through a similar situation. His W really 'lost it' as more truth was revealed & the D progressed. He HAD to get full custody of his children for their SAFETY. The affidavits from the Moms Club were invaluable. I'm not sure how mentally stable your wife is but you've said some worrying things. Please focus on your children. When our neighbor moved out his W moved in VERY inappropriate men. You're talking 50/50 custody. That's not always the best interest of the children. Were there children at the event where the hot tub 'thing' happened? As always hope for the best BUT always (particularly where your children are concerned) plan for the worst. Shattered Lady, My children are D19 in college, S17 in last year of HS, and S10. My WW is a very good mom and the children adore her, it is just me that she has a problem with. I will ask fo 50/50 custody if we divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 All: I am slowly coming to terms with the end of my marriage, I give us a 20/80 chance, I will tell the WW on Friday or Saturday of my decision. She is unaware that I am even this far along from the nuclear option. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Why haven't you told your wife's parents that she's cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
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