qubist Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 S2B, I am prepared for the worst possible outcome and will wait for a three months before I make my decision on R or D Bigdaddy: I think you are handling it right so far, maybe you don't see it this way but I think you are showing some strength here, this is a very hard spot you are in and we are all here to support you through it. just make sure you are not beating yourself too much, mental fatigue makes the best of us do stupid things, try to relax little bit so you would be ready for the big battle. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Welcome to Limbo. Unless she practically kills herself to make things up to you this is going to be your life for a long time to come. People that cheat have far more wrong with them than just having sex with someone else. You have said it yourself she has a lot of issues. Those issues are not going to be worked out in three months let alone six months. She has to really want to change who she is and be dedicated to that. I would bet money while some things will be good in three months you will be back here feeling exactly how you do now. Lost and hurt. I respect that you have to give it a try and I know everyone has to walk there own path. I hope things turn out for you and the only reason you come back is to say hi and your both doing great. I have no problem being wrong and in fact I think would welcome it. C Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Qubist, Thankyou for your encouraging words, I am trying to be strong and fair, but reading all the many threads here on LS I don't give R much of a chance. I am documenting everything and I will find the whole truth. My wife just called me to tell me she wants to move back into our bedroom, I told her that I don't think that I am ready for that at the present. I have a very high sex drive and I will probably cave on this in the near future. Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 All: I met with an attorney and he told me what I alreadyknow, that in my state the courts don’t care who is at fault or care to attach blame. They only care about equitable distribution of assets, child custody and support. I can get 50/50 custody, but I am going to pay a great deal for a longperiod of time. It is what it is. When I got home last night I told my wife I was cancelling the reservations and she said that she would really like for us to go and talk.We went I didn’t give her a gift or card and I am not wearing my wedding ring.At dinner she told me that she is so sorry for her bad choices and wants us toget back to where we once were. She told me that she loves me and wants to fixus and that she will be a better wife and work on her problems if I give her achance. I told her that I do love her but at the present I cannot commit to reconciliation; because I don’t want it to be just idle words. I want R to be atrue R and I cannot truly commit to it right now, but I hope that I can softenmy heart to try (feeling too much hurt). She said that she is sad that she truly feels that I don’tknow how much that I am loved do to my past and she feels that she is at faultfor this. I told her that my past was all on me and she wasn’t responsible formy issues or how it affected us in our relationship. I have committed to fix me regardless of what happens to us. She now truly sees what she stands to lose and that we are on the brink. We are currently living separately in the same house. She asked me last night if she could move back into the marital bedroomwith me. Last night I had a little too much to drink and told her that tonightisn’t a good night we can talk tomorrow. I know that I am and have always been her plan A regardless of her infidelity. I do not want to breakup another family but I don’t know ifI can get over my hurt. I can’t bear to see her in this pain she appears lost.I did commit to give us three months to try and work on our relationship and on myself. And this is 2 days after lashing out at you with extreme anger and blaming you for non-existent issues Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, Yes it was my Wifes choice to cheat and now it is my choice to stay or leave and I haven't made that choice. Sandy, Yes my Wife made her choice , but was influenced by her toxic friends that were already on that slippery slope. Tunera, I did shut down the office coworker when I realized where she was going with the relationship, but due admit that I handled it poorly and I told my wife this. I take 50% responsibility for the conditions of our marriage maybe even 60% but I take no responsibility for her cheating. Maybe she was the toxic one among her friends. Gorrilla, She has given me alot of information and has been in no contact with the POSOM for well over two years, so she says. She doesn't want me to confront him becuase she knows that I have a very bad temper and is afraid that I will hurt the OM and get into legal trouble. I know enough to have a clear picture of these events. My wife told me that we were in a bad place during this time and wants us to work to put this behind us. How are you verifying what she told you ? She might have multiple affairs and the affair did not end 2 years back. be naive at your own peril. she hasn't even confessed 10% of what she did and she already wants to put this behind while blatantly blaming you for the affair ? The bad time might well bee due to her guilt of the affair Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Singer, I am going with my gut, it is always right. I am verifying by using an investigative tool called a finding of fact, I used this in the military with good success . You make a timeline and list undisputed facts and then add your suspicions and work to prove or disprove them. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Singer, I am going with my gut, it is always right. I am verifying by using an investigative tool called a finding of fact, I used this in the military with good success . You make a timeline and list undisputed facts and then add your suspicions and work to prove or disprove them. Always trust your gut because even when they confess the truth you will find that it is often a very minimalized version of the truth. Wait until you start piecing together your undisputed facts and discover how many times you had sex with her after coming home from one of her girl night outs than realizing that's when she and O/M had sex. Ya, you both had her within hours of each other. Some of these things don't hit you right away but they will hit you and then you have to wonder about who she really is to be able to do such heartless and despicable things to someone she claims to love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I know everything that you wrote is the truth, I am starting to dread going home tonight. It is the weekend and that means that we will be together for its entirety. Not a good sign. I will update on Monday morning Thanks BDT Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I know everything that you wrote is the truth, I am starting to dread going home tonight. It is the weekend and that means that we will be together for its entirety. Not a good sign. I will update on Monday morning Thanks BDT Be there for your children, enjoy every moment with them because you don't know what changes are coming yet. Google the 180 and memorize, use as much of it as you think is applicable to your situation. The 180 will help you, not as a form of revenge against her but as a way for you to separate yourself from your situation allowing you to think clearly. She will do her best to get you to think the way she wants you to think including the use of sex, guilt and your children. When things get too hard to endure, leave the house and visit a friend or family member or just go to bed. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I know everything that you wrote is the truth, I am starting to dread going home tonight. It is the weekend and that means that we will be together for its entirety. Not a good sign. I will update on Monday morning Thanks BDT No one says you need to spend that time with her. Heck, if you want to get out without her in tow - go. See a movie or play golf. Let her see you will have a good life whether she changes or not. No need to stay home and babysit her. Get busy living. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 No one says you need to spend that time with her. Heck, if you want to get out without her in tow - go. See a movie or play golf. Let her see you will have a good life whether she changes or not. No need to stay home and babysit her. Get busy living. So many people get lost in the other person they forget all about there life. I know I was one of these people. I could not see that until I was divorced but now I see it clearly. I think that is a serious correlation between the people that are more active in there own life and the ones that are not when it compares to who reconciles or not. It could also be said that those people that are more into there own life are also more stable about who they are and how infidelity affects them. C Link to post Share on other sites
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Alive, I was a very good investigator and I know that there is much more going on. I will dig until I know the unadulterated truth. I guess I should say the adulterated truth. So your wife knows your going to contact Jill and OM? Are you sure she hasn't or isn't going to get in there first to agree on a story between them? I also now think she may well have had more than one/three affairs/trysts and this Jill knows all about it. The OM, you said he wasn't married AT THE TIME, does that mean he since has? how long was he with his partner? it may mean he was cheating on her. If so, she deserves to know. Your doing the right thing in not moving back into the bedroom, she may try to trap you with a pregnancy (it happens a lot) Keep your stance that unless you get the whole truth it's a D. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Marc, I won't expose unless I bail or I find that the affair is still ongoing. At the point I would bail anyway. I couldn't reconcile if everyone knew. I also want to protect the children. The problem with this viewpoint is that it's shortsighted. Because it's not taking into account what a cheater should - must - go through in order to be a FORMER cheater. A FORMER cheater must be remorseful, must see that they have to KISS ASS to get back what they just threw away. And THAT person should - must - be willing to show real, true humility, in order to get that chance at earning back what they threw away. One thing I always recommend is that the betrayed spouse flat out tell the cheater that they must APOLOGIZE for what they did. To the betrayed spouse's parents (or siblings if the parents are dead), at least, if not offer a blanket apology to everyone who cares about the betrayed spouse (the VIPs). And if the 'former' cheater is not willing to do that...they are not a 'former' anything. They will cheat again. The apology does several things. It humbles the cheater so they're less likely to do it again. It shows the BS's VIPs that the person has learned something and just MIGHT be worth giving a second chance to. And it shows the kids that the parent might make bad choices but will OWN UP TO those bad decisions - which is a much better role model for those kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 All: I am finally realizing that I truly am in limbo hell. The WW has been on me like a dog on a bone grinding away. Constantly pointing out all my faults on an minute by minute basis. I have read and have started the 180 on her. I will attempt to keep my word to wait 90 days before pulling the D trigger, but I am losing faith on R very quickly. There truly are alien life amongst us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 I am staying away from her and going to the gym like two times a day just to get a break. I did open another bank account today and all of my investments are only in my name. I will push the 180 to see what happens, I will start IC next week. So much for her remorse. Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 All: I am finally realizing that I truly am in limbo hell. The WW has been on me like a dog on a bone grinding away. Constantly pointing out all my faults on an minute by minute basis. I have read and have started the 180 on her. I will attempt to keep my word to wait 90 days before pulling the D trigger, but I am losing faith on R very quickly. There truly are alien life amongst us. Sorry if I missed this in a previous post, but why are you delaying filing for 90 days? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Me bojangles because I have 22 years and three children invested with her. I just need to give my children this so that O can say that I gave this second chance 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Me bojangles because I have 22 years and three children invested with her. I just need to give my children this so that O can say that I gave this second chance 100%. I can understand that. But it will take some very strong patience to ride out the storm that you are currently dealing with. Does she want a divorce at this point, with all of her anger, or is she wanting you to forgive and forget it all now? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 My friend, you wait to file when you have a remorseful wayward wife. Your wife hasn't accepted ownership for trashing your trust in her and for her infidelity. Sometimes filing is the only thing that gets their attention. Remember divorce takes time and can be stopped at anytime up till the final decree. Stay on the 180, she needs to know what life without you will feel like. The next step if you decide that filing makes the most sense is to expose her infidelity to those that have influence over her. Accept no blame for her cheating, everything else can be worked out with professional help. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Me bojangles because I have 22 years and three children invested with her. I just need to give my children this so that O can say that I gave this second chance 100%. You have been invested but she hasn't! No need to waste more time making all the effort for a M if she's not also giving 100% and handing you your peace of mind on a silver platter. She needs to change. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Because of my own experiences (& a friends terrible D) I'm very bias. Sorry if I've missed this info.... Are all of your children at school? If they're preschoolers & the Moms club is there only social connection with other little kids be careful that they're not now becoming isolated. Do YOU have any Moms Club friends? It could be good for you AND your kids to get some support from the stable regular couples that make-up 99% of the group (in my experience). The problem with women like Jill & your wife is they quickly get dumped by the other women in the group. This happened in our club. Regular couples just don't want people like that around. This is very strange & disturbing for your children. They go from a happy little routine too a strained atmosphere at home AND loosing the fun & friends that make-up their entire world. Understandably you're completely focused on your M situation. Whatever happens, particularly if you're going to become a single Dad, giving a day a week to 'normal' with your kids & another Dad with kids could be really good for you & your children. You will also get all the information known by the Moms Club! They know a lot more than you think they do!! Women talk & if they're like me & my friends they go straight home & tell their husbands! Our old neighbor (I've mentioned before) went through a similar situation. His W really 'lost it' as more truth was revealed & the D progressed. He HAD to get full custody of his children for their SAFETY. The affidavits from the Moms Club were invaluable. I'm not sure how mentally stable your wife is but you've said some worrying things. Please focus on your children. When our neighbor moved out his W moved in VERY inappropriate men. You're talking 50/50 custody. That's not always the best interest of the children. Were there children at the event where the hot tub 'thing' happened? As always hope for the best BUT always (particularly where your children are concerned) plan for the worst. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 You mentioned "A large settlement from her accident", is she on medications? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I will dig until I know the unadulterated truth. I guess I should say the adulterated truth. Or the truth about the adultery. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 All: I am finally realizing that I truly am in limbo hell. The WW has been on me like a dog on a bone grinding away. Constantly pointing out all my faults on an minute by minute basis. I have read and have started the 180 on her. I will attempt to keep my word to wait 90 days before pulling the D trigger, but I am losing faith on R very quickly. There truly are alien life amongst us. Wait. SHE cheats and then SHE blames YOU for all YOUR faults? *cough cough* doormat *cough cough* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Read No More Mr Nice Guy Read No More Mr Nice Guy Google No More Mr Nice Guy Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts