Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I am in full 180 mode with WW and I can already see it is having an effect on her.

Turnera, Thank You, may I please have another. I would only tolerate this type of behavior from my WW anyone else I would be very tough with. I am going to see this through to the end.

[happyman64]

You have to get tough BigDaddy.

 

 

It is all about consequences.

 

 

Start showing them to her.

[aliveagain]

All: I am in full 180 mode with WW and I can already see it is having an effect on her.

Turnera, Thank You, may I please have another. I would only tolerate this type of behavior from my WW anyone else I would be very tough with. I am going to see this through to the end.

 

BDT, remember that the 180 is for you. The 180 is a list of behaviours intended to help you survive infidelity. They are the 180 opposite of what most of us are inclined to do when we first discover our spouses infidelity. It shows your spouse that you are not a doormat and are moving on in a healthy way with or without them. The one big benefit is it makes you look stronger and stronger is an attractive trait. Our first reaction upon discovery tends to be begging because the spouse that is the least committed has the power over the other spouse. The 180 levels the playing field and the sooner a betrayed spouse implements it the sooner they will see results.

 

If the wayward spouse leaves anyway, you know sooner rather than later and your not wasting years in false reconciliation while they line their ducks up. The decision to stay and work on the marriage or divorce are still your decision, the 180 will help you through the process. You may decide to only use parts of the 180 if you are in reconciliation, that is your call to make. Glad it is having an effect, stay strong because she is expecting you to do the usual when she comes at you like a screaming banshee. The change in you is sending her a clear message that you are a changed and much stronger man.

Edited August 30, 2015 by aliveagain

[S2B]

All: I am in full 180 mode with WW and I can already see it is having an effect on her.

Turnera, Thank You, may I please have another. I would only tolerate this type of behavior from my WW anyone else I would be very tough with. I am going to see this through to the end.

 

With no consequences she not likely having any "effect". She's faking. She manipulating and using you. She's also likely not sorry she did it she's sorry she got caught.

 

A polygraph would help you understand what the extent of damage is.

 

 

Exposure to all family is necessary. Have her move out. Leave her with very little money and have HER figure out how to make ends meet.

 

Complete transparency from her is needed. She needs to be willing to show you all areas of her life. Her phone, laptop, bank records, all passwords to everything.

 

And stop having sex with her! She's manipulating you so you will overlook her bad behavior!

 

Rewarding her bad behavior is just not smart on your part.

 

You have work to do to HELP YOURSELF.

 

Don't do anything she asks - don't be her doormat. Just tell her she can do those things herself.

 

Get those papers ready to be filed. You need to be proactive instead of reactive.

[Celestial-dreamer]

All: I am in full 180 mode with WW and I can already see it is having an effect on her.

Turnera, Thank You, may I please have another. I would only tolerate this type of behavior from my WW anyone else I would be very tough with. I am going to see this through to the end.

 

 

Good for you, but what effect is it having on her? and on you? Are you feeling more that you can do this? can you move on and D? Can you see yourself post D being happier? I think you have decided to D anyway, GL seeing it through, it's tough. I've been D for 7 years now, it still stings. Our marriage was dissolved 1 day before what would have been our 10th anniversary.

Stay strong.

[aliveagain]

There is one other thing you have to find out because your wife is of Italian heritage. Ya she's American but at home when she was growing up she also lived the secret Italian ways. You never shame the family, she will have to tell her father and mother at some point if divorce is on the table. You need to find out if this is the reason she hasn't left the marriage because it's not a good enough reason to stay with her.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: It has been a tough weekend with the WW and I bickering pretty much constanly. I have started the 180 and am basically paying her no attention which is making her crazy. Her parents came down today for church and breakfast, they know something is up between us, but I don’t know what they know. WW and children are going away tomorrow for a short week with the in-law’sfor a vacation before the kids start school. WW told me today that her BFF andher kids and husband were also going down. Maybe I am just paranoid but my gut is yelling conspiracy.

I am going to hire a private investigator on Monday to dothe leg work for me and the PI will not have an emotional interest in thiscase. I am starting to think that maybe my wife’s BFF and parents may know alot more than I do. My WW is supposed to be back of Thursday when she will behaving a bunch of her girlfriends over to the house for a GNO. I am seriouslythinking about dropping a few VAR around to capture their conversations. Need your thoughts on that one

[i will try to respond to each of you as time permits, I have the possibility of taking a month assignment out of state for work. I am thinking that this may be great for me. I do not think that I can wait the full 90 days to decide to bail I am going to reconsider at the end of this week. IfI find that there is an recent or ongoing affair, I will go scorched earth against her which will include full exposure.

Edited August 30, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[S2B]

All: It has been a tough weekend with the WW and I bickering pretty much constanly. I have started the 180 and am basically paying her no attention which is making her crazy. Her parents came down today for church and breakfast, they know something is up between us, but I don’t know what they know. WW and children are going away tomorrow for a short week with the in-law’sfor a vacation before the kids start school. WW told me today that her BFF andher kids and husband were also going down. Maybe I am just paranoid but my gut is yelling conspiracy.

I am going to hire a private investigator on Monday to dothe leg work for me and the PI will not have an emotional interest in thiscase. I am starting to think that maybe my wife’s BFF and parents may know alot more than I do. My WW is supposed to be back of Thursday when she will behaving a bunch of her girlfriends over to the house for a GNO. I am seriouslythinking about dropping a few VAR around to capture their conversations. Need your thoughts on that one

[i will try to respond to each of you as time permits, I have the possibility of taking a month assignment out of state for work. I am thinking that this may be great for me. I do not think that I can wait the full 90 days to decide to bail I am going to reconsider at the end of this week. IfI find that there is an recent or ongoing affair, I will go scorched earth against her which will include full exposure.

 

This would have been a good opportunity to tell her parents. You could easily say "our M is in jeopardy due to my wife's behaviors - she isn't acting married".

 

Stop protecting her. State what is real. Let her deal with the fallout from evidence.

 

I think hiring a PI is smart!

 

I must admit - my gut wonders if she's involved with her BFF husband...

[Bigdaddyt]

There is one other thing you have to find out because your wife is of Italian heritage. Ya she's American but at home when she was growing up she also lived the secret Italian ways. You never shame the family, she will have to tell her father and mother at some point if divorce is on the table. You need to find out if this is the reason she hasn't left the marriage because it's not a good enough reason to stay with her.

Alive, that is where I am now, I am being selfish and am wondering would it be better if we divorced. My plan now is to wait until after the week away and her party and determine what evidence I find then I will make my decision. I have had to make alot of very tough choices in my life and live with them. I am to the point that my pain is turning into anger.

[Bigdaddyt]

S2B, I am just going with my gut in this mess I hope that some of what I feel is totally wrong. I do not think that mt wifes BFF husband is not involved, but I do think that her BFF is being very protective of my wife at the present. I will continue to turnover the rocks until I find this snake.

[MrBojangles]

IfI find that there is an recent or ongoing affair, I will go scorched earth against her which will include full exposure.

 

 

If your gut feelings are correct, everyone may already know anyway.

 

But hiring the PI for proof positive is a good idea. This could reveal just how deep the deception runs, and whether or not her BFF and parents are aware.

 

Sorry, but you do not owe her 90 days or 90 minutes for that matter. File and get the hell out of there! Your children will always be your children, and she can't keep them from you.

[Marc878]

All: It has been a tough weekend with the WW and I bickering pretty much constanly. I have started the 180 and am basically paying her no attention which is making her crazy. Her parents came down today for church and breakfast, they know something is up between us, but I don’t know what they know. WW and children are going away tomorrow for a short week with the in-law’sfor a vacation before the kids start school. WW told me today that her BFF andher kids and husband were also going down. Maybe I am just paranoid but my gut is yelling conspiracy.

I am going to hire a private investigator on Monday to dothe leg work for me and the PI will not have an emotional interest in thiscase. I am starting to think that maybe my wife’s BFF and parents may know alot more than I do. My WW is supposed to be back of Thursday when she will behaving a bunch of her girlfriends over to the house for a GNO. I am seriouslythinking about dropping a few VAR around to capture their conversations. Need your thoughts on that one

[i will try to respond to each of you as time permits, I have the possibility of taking a month assignment out of state for work. I am thinking that this may be great for me. I do not think that I can wait the full 90 days to decide to bail I am going to reconsider at the end of this week. IfI find that there is an recent or ongoing affair, I will go scorched earth against her which will include full exposure.

 

Good plan. Nothing worse than going through this other than being in limbo and not getting the truth.

 

You can deal with that. It's the not knowing that's kills.

[Bigdaddyt]

Because of my own experiences (& a friends terrible D) I'm very bias.

 

Sorry if I've missed this info.... Are all of your children at school? If they're preschoolers & the Moms club is there only social connection with other little kids be careful that they're not now becoming isolated. Do YOU have any Moms Club friends? It could be good for you AND your kids to get some support from the stable regular couples that make-up 99% of the group (in my experience).

 

The problem with women like Jill & your wife is they quickly get dumped by the other women in the group. This happened in our club. Regular couples just don't want people like that around. This is very strange & disturbing for your children. They go from a happy little routine too a strained atmosphere at home AND loosing the fun & friends that make-up their entire world.

 

Understandably you're completely focused on your M situation. Whatever happens, particularly if you're going to become a single Dad, giving a day a week to 'normal' with your kids & another Dad with kids could be really good for you & your children.

You will also get all the information known by the Moms Club! They know a lot more than you think they do!! Women talk & if they're like me & my friends they go straight home & tell their husbands! Our old neighbor (I've mentioned before) went through a similar situation. His W really 'lost it' as more truth was revealed & the D progressed. He HAD to get full custody of his children for their SAFETY. The affidavits from the Moms Club were invaluable.

I'm not sure how mentally stable your wife is but you've said some worrying things. Please focus on your children. When our neighbor moved out his W moved in VERY inappropriate men. You're talking 50/50 custody. That's not always the best interest of the children.

Were there children at the event where the hot tub 'thing' happened?

 

As always hope for the best BUT always (particularly where your children are concerned) plan for the worst.

 

Shattered Lady, My children are D19 in college, S17 in last year of HS, and S10. My WW is a very good mom and the children adore her, it is just me that she has a problem with. I will ask fo 50/50 custody if we divorce.

[S2B]

S2B, I am just going with my gut in this mess I hope that some of what I feel is totally wrong. I do not think that mt wifes BFF husband is not involved, but I do think that her BFF is being very protective of my wife at the present. I will continue to turnover the rocks until I find this snake.

 

The snake is your wife. You already know that.

 

Her being mean to you these past few days is evidence that she's not sorry she's done any of this.

 

I'm not even sure she's sorry she got caught. You staying, even for now, only sends her a message that you're willing to live in misery while she does whatever she chooses.

 

 

Cut the cord. Let her loose! Make her move today. She can scramble to figure out where her little group will gather at the end of the week. Make HER uncomfortable!

 

As long as she is comfortable = NOTHING will change.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I am slowly coming to terms with the end of my marriage, I give us a 20/80 chance, I will tell the WW on Friday or Saturday of my decision. She is unaware that I am even this far along from the nuclear option.

[turnera]

Why haven't you told your wife's parents that she's cheating?

[nightmare01]

Why haven't you told your wife's parents that she's cheating?

 

By the sound of it her parents may already know, and will protect their daughter.

 

The PI is a good move - get the evidence.

[Bigdaddyt]

Why haven't you told your wife's parents that she's cheating?

 

Turnera, Becuase her parents are very proper and I will not tell them unless it is a last resort. If I do divorce I will tell her parents and sisters as well as my family. If I find that there is a current affair I am not sure if I will do a full exposure. It really won't matter at that point becuase i will divorce.

[turnera]

So...if she's cheating NOW, you'll divorce but if she was cheating in the past and not now, you won't divorce?

[S2B]

Turnera, Becuase her parents are very proper and I will not tell them unless it is a last resort. If I do divorce I will tell her parents and sisters as well as my family. If I find that there is a current affair I am not sure if I will do a full exposure. It really won't matter at that point becuase i will divorce.

 

Oh! You overlook past behavior thinking it's not current. You won't acknowledge current behavior you'll just move away from it and end it?

 

How about addressing all of it? Have a voice and speak up!!! Speak YOUR truth!

 

Quit avoiding your feelings.

 

Tell her the way she acts sucks for you! Tell her she's not worthy of your trust. Tell her she hasn't acted like a wife...much less a good wife.

 

Tell her since she acts single you intend to give her a single life.

 

Get honest. Start saying how she's made you feel by her crappy actions.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Turnera, Becuase her parents are very proper and I will not tell them unless it is a last resort. If I do divorce I will tell her parents and sisters as well as my family. If I find that there is a current affair I am not sure if I will do a full exposure. It really won't matter at that point becuase i will divorce.

 

IF there is a current A, even if you don't fully expose it, you may need to expose to OM's wife (if he has one if it isn't BFF's H) Or...as your gut tells you...the wife already knows and is in on it. Then expose to everyone just what they are.

 

I'm wondering though, why would she go away with her parents, and take her bit on the side along? IF they know, why would they accept that? also taking along the other mans wife? AND the kids??!! Doesn't sit right.

 

As for the VAR's...YES! Do it, you never know what you may learn, but be prepared for her to talk nasty about you, can you handle that?

[ShatteredLady]

If there are lots of people at our house & I need to chat privately with my friend or H we go into our master bedroom or my craft room. Does your W have particular places she goes for 'talks' when you have a party?

I've never had the opportunity to use recording devices & all that technological stuff. To be honest I didn't really know or think about it until I came to this forum & it was too late for me (affair over really). Before this happened to me I would of had moral issues recording & spying on my H. Now, I don't think so!?!?

 

I felt so much better when I reached the angry stage! Do you? I look back at my journal & the first things I posted here & I feel so sorry for myself. I was such a broken mess. I still am a bit but HUGE life things have taken priority. I know I'm thinking logically now. Try not to go back to the insane, depressed, crazy denial stage if you can. I occasionally feel like I'm having a panic-attack still now but before it was almost 24/7.

If you're like me your thinking will get smarter now. I'm lucky, I got angry AND got the final whole (mostly??) truth about the same time. I don't know if that was coincidence or if my anger scared him & got us to that place faster.

 

Have you printed out things for her to read? It was so desperate for me when my H was still making me feel complicit in his actions. It will be better for you once she drops the excuses & being critical of you. I could find sanity once my H owned his behavior. I hope the same happens for you.

 

This is the first whole week that I feel like I can breathe & think properly. It's so less exhausting.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: If she is cheating now I'm done. On the past cheating I don't know what my feelings are on it. I am angry and hurt, I haven't made up my mind.she had better work hard if she wants to save us, so far she hasn't done anything. I will decide by this weekend wether I stay or leave. If we divorce her life style will change dramatically. I earn all of the money.

[Bigdaddyt]

If there are lots of people at our house & I need to chat privately with my friend or H we go into our master bedroom or my craft room. Does your W have particular places she goes for 'talks' when you have a party?

I've never had the opportunity to use recording devices & all that technological stuff. To be honest I didn't really know or think about it until I came to this forum & it was too late for me (affair over really). Before this happened to me I would of had moral issues recording & spying on my H. Now, I don't think so!?!?

 

I felt so much better when I reached the angry stage! Do you? I look back at my journal & the first things I posted here & I feel so sorry for myself. I was such a broken mess. I still am a bit but HUGE life things have taken priority. I know I'm thinking logically now. Try not to go back to the insane, depressed, crazy denial stage if you can. I occasionally feel like I'm having a panic-attack still now but before it was almost 24/

If you're like me your thinking will get smarter now. I'm lucky, I got angry AND got the final whole (mostly??) truth about the same time. I don't know if that was coincidence or if my anger scared him & got us to that place faster.

 

Have you printed out things for her to read? It was so desperate for me when my H was still making me feel complicit in his actions. It will be better for you once she drops the excuses & being critical of you. I could find sanity once my H

 

owned his behavior. I hope the same happens for you.

 

This is the first whole week that I feel like I can breathe & think properly. It's so less exhausting.

Shattered Lady, This thread is my journal, yes I was a mess at the beginning and now I am angry. I am just thinking out loud and making sure that I do the right thing for myself and my family.

[aliveagain]

Her continued anger at this stage is not the norm. She should be begging for another chance not fighting you trying to blame you for her infidelity. My guess is she has already rewritten your marriage, told her parents that you were cheating(probably kept a copy of coworkers text as proof) and may even have their blessing to divorce you if that is what she wants. I think she did a lot more than what she's confessed to and this is why she doesn't want you talking to the drug crazed ex friend Jill. She might of had a girl or threesome in there somewhere based on her history. Something similar happened to my friend N--L, they nicknamed his wife "The Hot Tub Whore."

 

 

You are reaching the anger stage and this is normal but you need to control it. Doing crazy things in a rage can affect you when it comes to child custody. She may be purposely pushing your buttons to get a rage reaction from you. If she is hiding a lot more infidelity from you she may have already decided divorcing you without exposure is her best bet because you'll probably divorce her when you hear the truth anyway and she keeps her Madonna image intact.