Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[S2B]

All: If she is cheating now I'm done. On the past cheating I don't know what my feelings are on it. I am angry and hurt, I haven't made up my mind.she had better work hard if she wants to save us, so far she hasn't done anything. I will decide by this weekend wether I stay or leave. If we divorce her life style will change dramatically. I earn all of the money.

 

She is doing something.

 

She's blaming you

She's criticizing you

She's making plans without you

 

 

The first two are abusive.

 

 

Anger? Yah, most people would be angry. And a normal reaction to cheating and abusive behavior would be action! Like = throwing her out now with no money and no way to use you further.

 

Make it hurt! Make it hurt her lifestyle SO MUCH that maybe - just maybe - she starts changing.

 

Keeping her comfy is just allowing her to abuse you more and longer.

 

You've trained her to treat you poorly! It's time you train her to be decent to you.

 

And speak up! Tell her what a @itch she's being. No more blaming you. She did this = she OWNS it as her behavior that's caused such a farce for a marriage.

 

No more pretending this M is pretty. Tell people your truth. You could have looked at her parents today and said calmly "my wife has displayed piss poor behavior for a married woman and I am not sure I want to stay married to a gal that disrespects me".

 

That would have been honest.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, Yes I have hit the anger stage and I do have a temper, it takes a great deal for me to loose it. I will be extremely careful to keep it in check.

S2B, I will make my Wife treat me well either by Divorcing her or making her see the light. This whole thing is exhausting.

[ShatteredLady]

Will you share more about her "Accident" that she's getting a settlement for? Is she suffering with pain? Is she on medications? I know a lot about these things & it could be very relevant to her past, present & future behavior. It could also effect how & when you should talk to her.

Was it a very physically and/or emotionally traumatic accident? When did it happen in relation to all the 'stuff' that's been going on?

 

I've reached the stage that I'm finding everything REALLY exhausting too. I know I need to start doing something for myself. Exercise, yoga (I'm a bit limited because of my spine degeneration) meditation? Music therapy? Medications (I'm taking antidepressants/stress meds). Have you thought of any of those kind of things? Living in this constant state of insane stress must be terrible for our physical & mental health. I've got other major health problems. It's all starting to really worry me.

The anger stage is much better for me than the previous crazy depression, confusion, panic-attack type feelings but I'm not sure rage is any healthier.

 

Obviously, in life I'd heard about these things happening to other people. I never imagined how terrible it is. There just aren't enough words to describe it. It's all consuming. It's just profoundly sad that life can be like this. I'm tired. I just want the world to be different. I want my innocence back. Reality sucks!

[singer23]

Me bojangles because I have 22 years and three children invested with her. I just need to give my children this so that O can say that I gave this second chance 100%.

 

This is faulty logic and you know it..

 

Take your time to digest the situation and do what you want to do. Marriage requires two willing people. When she cheated, she took it out of your hands. It is no longer just up to you.

 

Remember, how she reacted when you did not know.

[sandylee1]

Turnera, Becuase her parents are very proper and I will not tell them unless it is a last resort. If I do divorce I will tell her parents and sisters as well as my family. If I find that there is a current affair I am not sure if I will do a full exposure. It really won't matter at that point becuase i will divorce.

 

I see you changing the goalposts quite a bit on what you'll divorce her over.

 

A good mom doesn't jeopardise the security of her children by having an affair that could lead to divorce. For the child that means not seeing both parents everyday and being shuttled between two homes. The fallout sometimes leading to a drop in grades, kids lashing out, kids feeling depressed and in many cases they're affected financially. The actions of cheating affect the child too and they are also betrayed in their own way. When your child needs therapy because your cheating has resulted in a family split, you aren't a good parent.

[Morro72]

All: I am slowly coming to terms with the end of my marriage, I give us a 20/80 chance, I will tell the WW on Friday or Saturday of my decision. She is unaware that I am even this far along from the nuclear option.

Don't tell her, have her served.

Edited August 31, 2015 by Morro72

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I am still in full 180 mode and she is starting tobreak, but she is too stubborn to admit her being fully responsible for the affair. She came to me last night and told me that she knows that she loves memore than I love her and that is something she has to deal with, but she doesn’t want us to end our marriage. We are still sleeping separately and I am making myself scarce. She is extremely jealous that I continue to be a gym rat and shetold me that she is afraid that I am going to start cheating on her. I didn’t respond to her, I did listen and I told her that this is all from her guilt.

Shattered Lady, My WW was involved in a major auto accident just after the hot tub incident when she was stopped at a red light and struck head-onby a texting driver. She suffered major head and neck trauma as a result. I putbehind my hurt to care for my spouse and the Mother of my children. Now thatshe is better her past actions are triggering me. I guess that I did a poor jobon laying out the facts on this thread. WW was unable to care for herself or children for at least a year and unable to drive a car for about 18 months.During this time I kept my mouth shut and did the right thing for my family, Ijust feel that I must now address this infidelity.

All: I know that I seem all over the board on what myborders are and what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. I am using this threadto think out loud, and I do not believe that I will be able to get over this. My children are my world and I ama doting Father to them. I have never been much of a disciplinarian this isalso a point of marital difficulty for us. I know that this is due to my upbringing I have a tendency to spoil my children, not just mine but pretty much all of them. I have always been the favorite Uncle to my nephews and nieces

Edited August 31, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[Bigdaddyt]

Her continued anger at this stage is not the norm. She should be begging for another chance not fighting you trying to blame you for her infidelity. My guess is she has already rewritten your marriage, told her parents that you were cheating(probably kept a copy of coworkers text as proof) and may even have their blessing to divorce you if that is what she wants. I think she did a lot more than what she's confessed to and this is why she doesn't want you talking to the drug crazed ex friend Jill. She might of had a girl or threesome in there somewhere based on her history. Something similar happened to my friend N--L, they nicknamed his wife "The Hot Tub Whore."

 

 

You are reaching the anger stage and this is normal but you need to control it. Doing crazy things in a rage can affect you when it comes to child custody. She may be purposely pushing your buttons to get a rage reaction from you. If she is hiding a lot more infidelity from you she may have already decided divorcing you without exposure is her best bet because you'll probably divorce her when you hear the truth anyway and she keeps her Madonna image intact.

Alive, I just don't know what is bad behavior and what is driven by her injuries. Her doctor and lawyer both told me that 50% of all TBI spouses divorce due to the changes in the spouse personality.

[Celestial-dreamer]

She came to me last night and told me that she knows that she loves me more than I love her and that is something she has to deal with, but she doesn’t want us to end our marriage. We are still sleeping separately and I am making myself scarce. She is extremely jealous that I continue to be a gym rat and shetold me that she is afraid that I am going to start cheating on her. I didn’t respond to her, I did listen and I told her that this is all from her guilt.

 

That's good the 180 is working. Of course she says she loves you.....now she is facing losing you. She doesn't want her comfy life to end. Good job with the gym, keep it up. Her jealousy is not your concern. She's getting a small dose of what she gave you. She's worried in case YOU cheat, that's rich. Great you didn't rise to her baiting you, the simple short conversations will drive her nuts.

 

Is she still going ahead with this planned stay with the parents, suspected OM, OM's wife and kids? If it was her and the kids with parents fair enough, but the friends going?? Still doesn't sit right with me. If my marriage was crumbling around me I wouldn't up and off like this.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Her doctor and lawyer both told me that 50% of all TBI spouses divorce due to the changes in the spouse personality.

 

She was up to no good BEFORE the accident right? That's no excuse on her part.

[Bigdaddyt]

Celestial, she is definitely feeling the strain from the 180; she did apologize again last night about her running around with Jill and she knows that she seriously hurt me. I told her that I was also sorry for everything that I did or didn't do that damaged our marriage, but I take no responsibility for her cheating.

Yes, she is going for the week with her parents and BFFs family. I need this break, I am close to bailing and I know that she suspects it.

[aliveagain]

BDT I think your wife truly believed you were cheating. Your only crime was not to discuss the work associates email with her, her crime was to not come to you and talk to you about her concerns and then instead used that information to justify cheating on you. She is now bringing up everything you ever did wrong in your marriage and placing some imaginary value on it in order to minimize what it is she has done to you. By doing this she wants you to believe that your lucky that all she did was bang a few people for a year or two(who knows what the truth is?) and you should count your lucky stars she's still here and didn't divorce you. This doesn't sound like two years of independent counselling this sounds like the counsellor doesn't know about her infidelity and was treating her for something else, maybe her accident trauma.

[Bigdaddyt]

I do not know what I need from her to stop this train wreck. I guess that I need to see true remorse and her giving me everything that she has to save us. I am just exhausted from the last few years of supporting her and getting nothing in return.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I fully agree, I told her last night that I was sorry that I didn't tell her about the coworker but I have excellent boundaries and would never cheat. She absolutely hated me saying this.

WW did tell me about a year ago that her counselor told her that she should leave me. I was surprised and I asked her why, she said it was over the coworker and all of the female friends that I have. I believe she told her counselor what she wanted to believe.

[aliveagain]

I do not know what I need from her to stop this train wreck. I guess that I need to see true remorse and her giving me everything that she has to save us. I am just exhausted from the last few years of supporting her and getting nothing in return.

 

Some women come at you acting crazy as your wife has when they are really afraid and don't know how to handle it or what to do get out of it. It may be her way of dealing with something that completely overwhelms her, specially if she's used to being in control. Have you seen this from her before?

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I truly believe that her motivation now is financial her OM does have a pot to piss in and I probably make six times what he does per year . Perhaps I am wrong, but think that she is starting to realize how things are going to change.

[aliveagain]

Alive, I fully agree, I told her last night that I was sorry that I didn't tell her about the coworker but I have excellent boundaries and would never cheat. She absolutely hated me saying this.

WW did tell me about a year ago that her counselor told her that she should leave me. I was surprised and I asked her why, she said it was over the coworker and all of the female friends that I have. I believe she told her counselor what she wanted to believe.

 

Again, my guess is the councillor doesn't have all the truth about your wife's cheating and is giving her advice based on what your wife has told her councillor. Remember, people that cheat are the most jealous people on the planet, their thinking is skewed.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, you are correct that my wife is basically freaking out over this. I have always been a great provider and take care of everything . My wife lived a very good life style with very little responsibility . she just doesn't have the emotional tools or capacity to fix what she broke.

[aliveagain]

Alive, I truly believe that her motivation now is financial her OM does have a pot to piss in and I probably make six times what he does per year . Perhaps I am wrong, but think that she is starting to realize how things are going to change.

 

BDT, if you are right than that's not a reason to save a broken marriage. All that would do is allow her the lifestyle she likes until she finds a more suitable O/M. It is very common that wayward spouses affair down. They are broken so they look for someone with more problems than themselves so they can feel better about their problems.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I know that she was crazy jealous , I just didn't realize what was driving it at the time.she keeps telling me to just forget about the past and let's move forward. I don't think that I can.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, this is my deleima I was hoping that she would find herself to fix us. I am very giving but I am all given out at this point.

[aliveagain]

Alive, I know that she was crazy jealous , I just didn't realize what was driving it at the time.she keeps telling me to just forget about the past and let's move forward. I don't think that I can.

 

Rug sweeping won't protect you in the future, it will just get you more of what she's given you because you didn't fix what was broken that caused her to stray. No, she needs to take ownership and do the hard work to change her coping mechanism. She needs to honour boundaries and stop looking to other men for her validation.

[eric1]

You are playing too many games IMHO.

 

Like you referred to above, ONLY the dots of truth on your timeline will allow you to begin assembling this together.

 

She is perfectly fine emotionally if she is gas lighting you. Ask her for a written timeline or that you will divorce her. Do this within the context of the 180 - you are merely stating a simple fact that you need all of the truth to remain in the marriage. Period. This is not controversial and is just stating fact -- don't be afraid of it.

 

Then start by doing two things:

 

- gathering facts.

* Speak to Jill. Just go there the second that you read this. Get it all on VAR.

* Does she text enough that forensic recovery of her texts would be worth it?

* schedule a polygraph for 24 hours after you get the timeline.

* Your idea of a PI to follow them around is tremendous

 

- Protecting yourself legally

* Keep a VAR on you at all times. SHE IS NOT STABLE AND UNDER NEGATIVE INFLUENCES

* Keep engaged with the lawyer. Do precisely what he or she suggests.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I believe that when she returns that I am going to put everything on the line and hold nothing back. I will basically give her a ultamatum to fix herself and marriage or D.

[aliveagain]

You are playing too many games IMHO.

 

Like you referred to above, ONLY the dots of truth on your timeline will allow you to begin assembling this together.

 

She is perfectly fine emotionally if she is gas lighting you. Ask her for a written timeline or that you will divorce her. Do this within the context of the 180 - you are merely stating a simple fact that you need all of the truth to remain in the marriage. Period. This is not controversial and is just stating fact -- don't be afraid of it.

 

Then start by doing two things:

 

- gathering facts.

* Speak to Jill. Just go there the second that you read this. Get it all on VAR.

 

 

 

* Does she text enough that forensic recovery of her texts would be worth it?

* schedule a polygraph for 24 hours after you get the timeline.

* Your idea of a PI to follow them around is tremendous

 

- Protecting yourself legally

* Keep a VAR on you at all times. SHE IS NOT STABLE AND UNDER NEGATIVE INFLUENCES

* Keep engaged with the lawyer. Do precisely what he or she suggests.

 

Funny, I was just amending my post to include a written timeline listing all events from start to finish but eric1 beat me to it. This is very good advice BDT.