S2B Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Qubist , I am mentally strong, I just lost my way with this betrayal. This has been in the works since before my WW was injured. It has taken me this long to address this. Eric, soon I will see the OM and Jill this week and I have reached out to a PI who use to work with me. DKT3, I have read your threads and I have always prayed that you and Loving would make it through. Yes I am very capable of walking away. Even if I say that I want to reconcile I may not be able to get past the humiliation and betrayal. My WW has controlled this relationship for too long . I am now taking back the control of not just my marriage, but my life . I can't answer the question of boundaries until I have the truth as to her infidelity. Based upon the facts and my gut I will make a decision as to what I can and can't live with. I think DKT was suggesting deciding YOUR boundary now = then sticking to that no matter what you find out later. This boundary is for you. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Yes I am very capable of walking away. Even if I say that I want to reconcile I may not be able to get past the humiliation and betrayal. My WW has controlled this relationship for too long . I am now taking back the control of not just my marriage, but my life . I can't answer the question of boundaries until I have the truth as to her infidelity. Based upon the facts and my gut I will make a decision as to what I can and can't live with. that's the right way to do it. as long as you are satisfied with whatever decision you would make you will be OK. no need to rush right now. get the evidences and go from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 S2B, if my Wife is totally truthful to me with complete transparency about the past affair and shows a whatever it takes attitude to fix our marriage I would attempt to R. If there was more than one affair other than the hot tub I cannot reconcile this. If the affair is current I am done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Qubist , I am trying to make the best decision for me and I am a brutally honest with myself. Thankyou for always being a voice of reason on this thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 I think your wife has been in control of your marriage for years, NOW she feels the distance and you taking back a measure of control. This has her scared, she is coming face to face with her past and is starting to understand the bill is past due. From the sounds of it, she isn't going to give it up easy. I know you say your prepared to walk away, however doing it is a 1000 times harder then saying it. What you find in these cases is we (men) start to move our limits when these women don't meet our demands. Ex: if she kissed OM I'm out. Then you find out she kissed him. Well if she slept with him I'm out, then you find out she has. Then its if she did it in my house I'm out, and so on. Bottomline is every single detail shouldn't be important for you to make the decision to D or R. The betrayal happened no matter the details. I get the sense that you can't / won't move pass the betrayal so why put yourself through the stress and pain? I'm always talking about BS's moving strong moves. That's what selfish people understand, allow no rope to move. By doing so she feels she can gaslight you, which she has be doing for years, it allows blameshifting which she is doing now. All of which causes you pain. In hindsight, I think had I just filed for divorce within the first few weeks it would have saved me the many months of pain and stress. Like your wife, mine sensed the end was near it was only once she was served did she show me her heart. Why? Because before I took strong actions she felt she could manipulate and bully me off the trail. That is what your wife is doing now. Stop moving you limits to make allowances for her. In all honesty if your marriage was as important to her she would have never taken this trip. So I ask, are you REALLY prepared to walk away. I don't think you are. Like me and many others your head is telling you to run, yet you stay looking for a reason to justify it. DKT3, I re-read your post and you are spot on. My WW is feeling the pressure of me standing my ground and being strong. If she doesn't show me her heart this week I am going to file . I truly don't want to but I will. I have been doing a lot of soul searching here and I do have my boundaries that I will share at the end of this week. I am going to give her my ultimatum at the end of this week. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 You are funnelling the anger stage perfectly man. It might not mean a lot from an anonymous internet stranger, but I think that you are doing a great job. So often in these DDay threads people get mad at those suggesting to get angry. Anger is really a VERY healthy, human emotion and is just the next step on the path. The intial stage of shock, helplessness, etc is just ****ty. ALL you can do it just get through it. Anger, on the other hand, is a very useful emotion under the proper conditions. Eventually you will transition out of the anger stage, but right now just keep it to fuel your 180, to overcome your "will she get mad at me if I go talk to Jill???" self-doubt and to begin to peel back any co-dependence that you exhibit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 DKT3, I re-read your post and you are spot on. My WW is feeling the pressure of me standing my ground and being strong. If she doesn't show me her heart this week I am going to file . I truly don't want to but I will. I have been doing a lot of soul searching here and I do have my boundaries that I will share at the end of this week. I am going to give her my ultimatum at the end of this week. Ultimatums give wiggle room. Having her served doesn't. Its a strong action that will force a reaction. Either she will fight her a$$ off to fix it or she won't. Filing for divorce isn't being divorced, so you have plenty of time to change your mind. Doing so puts the ball in her court with no wiggle room. She will at that point, through your actions, understand its only one way to stop that speeding train. Because she has been in control for so long, with the ultimatum she may (will) find a way to circumvent your stance. I will be honest, I have followed your story and I haven't really seen you as someone who was/is ready to really put your foot down. There is no shame in that, these situations suck and the fear of doing the wrong thing or how it will effect the kids can be too much to handle. But in the last few pages your words have become strong as you've reached the angry stage. Right NOW you still have a marriage to save. If you allow wiggle room your resentment and anger will push you beyond the point of no return. Stop waiting and looking for reasons NOT to do what your head is telling. If your wife was truly on the same page it would be obvious and you wouldn't have to look for it. She isn't, and your ultimatum won't change that, its only words just like the worthless ones coming out of her mouth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Ultimatums give wiggle room. Having her served doesn't. Its a strong action that will force a reaction. Either she will fight her a$$ off to fix it or she won't. Filing for divorce isn't being divorced, so you have plenty of time to change your mind. Doing so puts the ball in her court with no wiggle room. She will at that point, through your actions, understand its only one way to stop that speeding train. Because she has been in control for so long, with the ultimatum she may (will) find a way to circumvent your stance. I will be honest, I have followed your story and I haven't really seen you as someone who was/is ready to really put your foot down. There is no shame in that, these situations suck and the fear of doing the wrong thing or how it will effect the kids can be too much to handle. But in the last few pages your words have become strong as you've reached the angry stage. Right NOW you still have a marriage to save. If you allow wiggle room your resentment and anger will push you beyond the point of no return. Stop waiting and looking for reasons NOT to do what your head is telling. If your wife was truly on the same page it would be obvious and you wouldn't have to look for it. She isn't, and your ultimatum won't change that, its only words just like the worthless ones coming out of her mouth. DKT3, I appreciate your honesty and you are right that I am afraid to put my foot down. On my first wife, I burnt her down by hiring a high end divorce attorney and he chewed her up and spit her out. I feel horrible about that to this day. I saw the absolute pain in my young children's eyes and still divorced. I was the best father to them that I could be and still am. I will take your advice and really think and pray on it, I am willing to D if this marriage cannot be fixed, even if I commit I don't know if I would ever to make it back to where we once were. Can I ask how you and Loving are making out now? Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) Learn all the truth before you make your final decision. You have more than you need to start the process of divorce if that is your decision. My guess is she is going on the trip because she doesn't want to cancel and have to explain to her father the reason why. She still wants him to see her as pure. I doubt she wants to go on the trip, she's cornered, she knows that contact with you is crucial. If she is going to reach out to affair partners to warn them this is the time she will do it. Have you access to her phone records if so start looking at the numbers she calls and start eliminating the numbers you know. If you are talking to Jill, don't let on how much you know but that you know. Tell her that your wife blames everything on Jill's cheating a$$ and see where it goes from there. Edited August 31, 2015 by aliveagain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 DKT3, I appreciate your honesty and you are right that I am afraid to put my foot down. On my first wife, I burnt her down by hiring a high end divorce attorney and he chewed her up and spit her out. I feel horrible about that to this day. I saw the absolute pain in my young children's eyes and still divorced. I was the best father to them that I could be and still am. I will take your advice and really think and pray on it, I am willing to D if this marriage cannot be fixed, even if I commit I don't know if I would ever to make it back to where we once were. Can I ask how you and Loving are making out now? You know, I've talked here about feeling really bad about blindsiding lovin with divorce papers at her business, I never regreted the divorce. We are doing pretty good, many more up days then down ones. Just had a short trip Vegas. Thanks for asking Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 DTK3, I am truly glad that you and Loving are doing well, I am rooting for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Learn all the truth before you make your final decision. You have more than you need to start the process of divorce if that is your decision. My guess is she is going on the trip because she doesn't want to cancel and have to explain to her father the reason why. She still wants him to see her as pure. I doubt she wants to go on the trip, she's cornered, she knows that contact with you is crucial. If she is going to reach out to affair partners to warn them this is the time she will do it. Have you access to her phone records if so start looking at the numbers she calls and start eliminating the numbers you know. If you are talking to Jill, don't let on how much you know but that you know. Tell her that your wife blames everything on Jill's cheating a$$ and see where it goes from there. Alive, I reached out to Jills XH tonight he and I haven't talked in a long time, but we are both friends. We at going to meet for a drink tomorrow , so that I can pick his brain about what he knows and how I can contact Jill. I will hopefully know a lot more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Good for you, this will unravel the way it should and no matter what you will survive this, your too good for this kind of crap. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Why would you expect her husband to tell you anything? She's his wife. Don't expect to find out much from him. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I disagree. He may not find a smoking gun, but he ain't finding one not looking anywhere. What he'll likely unearth are either things with corroborate her story or things that point out inconsistencies in her story. Not bad when the alternate is sitting back and feeling sorry for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 S2B and Eric, it's 2:00 and I can't sleep. Jills ex husband is a friend of mine I helped out when he needed help and Jill has lost custody of her children and now only has supervised visitation with them. Let's call him Jack, I do believe that jack will tell me anything that he knows about Jill and my WW. My wife made it a point to try and sever my friendship with Jack out of fear of me discovering what is hidden. My WW has been contacting me nonstop this evening via text and I did take one phone call that I thought was from my son. She is telling me that she misses me and wants us back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I realized tonight that I really control everything in this new relationship and will make all the decisions going forward. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Are there any other friends your wife has tried to get rid of? (If so, go see all of them.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 S2B and Eric, it's 2:00 and I can't sleep. Jills ex husband is a friend of mine I helped out when he needed help and Jill has lost custody of her children and now only has supervised visitation with them. Let's call him Jack, I do believe that jack will tell me anything that he knows about Jill and my WW. My wife made it a point to try and sever my friendship with Jack out of fear of me discovering what is hidden. My WW has been contacting me nonstop this evening via text and I did take one phone call that I thought was from my son. She is telling me that she misses me and wants us back. She keeps contacting because she's gone and afraid you'll cheat while she's away. She probably thinks everyone cheats. She's checking up on you. Don't respond to every text/call. Go out to a movie, the gym etc. stay busy. But no need to have her monopolizing all your energy. Let her wait. Maybe respond once a day for now. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 My WW has been contacting me nonstop this evening via text and I did take one phone call that I thought was from my son. She is telling me that she misses me and wants us back. you should've told her that there is only one way out of this in it starts with Honesty Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 She keeps contacting because she's gone and afraid you'll cheat while she's away. She probably thinks everyone cheats. She's checking up on you. Don't respond to every text/call. Go out to a movie, the gym etc. stay busy. But no need to have her monopolizing all your energy. Let her wait. Maybe respond once a day for now. I am working the 180 and going on with my life. I find that the 180 is more for me letting go then making a WS come back. I know that I post a lot, it helps me with my mental health in this situation . I am using this site as a journal. I hope to possibly help someone else through my mistakes. Now that I had time to really review our entire marriage iny head I see so many possible cheating scenarios over the years . I was just oblivious to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 you should've told her that there is only one way out of this in it starts with Honesty Qubist, the only way for me to go forward is complete honesty. I am gathering the facts because I know that from reading this site that cheaters only admit to what you know and can prove. My WW is really starting to implode she is texting me saying that we should drop this and get back to us. She is promising to be a much better wife to me. She wants to rug sweep this, but I can't let it go . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I agree with the posters who are suggesting that if your wife is texting you like crazy then you should shut your phone off and go see a movie or something. It's a form of manipulation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Qubist, the only way for me to go forward is complete honesty. I am gathering the facts because I know that from reading this site that cheaters only admit to what you know and can prove. My WW is really starting to implode she is texting me saying that we should drop this and get back to us. She is promising to be a much better wife to me. She wants to rug sweep this, but I can't let it go . Bigdaddy: you had the fortune to stop by this site and maybe other sites where you had the chance to read and learn more about these issues from experienced people. she, like most people, is not aware of how these issues are better solved. she won't be honest with you she would rather rug sweep it, because she is not aware that Honesty is the only way out. I hope she realized that and just confessed everything it, as bad as it might be, it will be a great relief for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I agree with the posters who are suggesting that if your wife is texting you like crazy then you should shut your phone off and go see a movie or something. It's a form of manipulation. Eric, I don't know if her actions are manipulative or just desperate . I don't want to turn off my phone because of my children . Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts