Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[singer23]

S2B, I do believe that this is what is killing her the most. She doesn't want to be known as a cheater or a liar. IHer two girlfriends are basically outcasts in our community and she would not want to be seen as one of these two.

 

Would she still bother to be with you if you expose her ?

[Bigdaddyt]

Update: I met with Jack last night at a local bar and we spent the first hour just catching up and talking about our kids, family andwork. Jack finally said why did you wanted to meet with me. I said that Iwanted him to tell me if he had any information about my wife cheating when shewas running around with his XW. Jack said that he never saw my WW cheat but he always suspected it because his XW and their other friend Susan, that ran with them both cheated and got divorced. He said that he was too busy working fulltime and taking care of two small children to worry about what his XW wasdoing. He said that Jill was arrested for a second DUI and was found to have prescription pills on her at the time and that allowed him to get full custody.

 

Jack continued that he was going to approach me about this a few years ago but decided that he had no proof to go on just something that he suspected. We finished the night and I stayed at the bar, I just didn’t want togo home. I finally left around 11:30pm and went to the house

 

WW was waiting for me and wanted to know where I have been.I told her that I told you I was going out tonight and I wasn’t expecting you to come home until Thursday. She was very angry and ripped into me, so much forher remorse. I listened then told her that I had too much to drink and I amtired and going to bed. She continued with her verbal abuse, I ignored it and got changed for bed. I came out of the bedroom and she started in on me walking around half naked in the house and she doesn’t like it. I was wearing a pair of running shorts. I told her that I would never do that again and she would never see me half naked or naked again. She was kind a surprised by my comment and I went to bed. Later during the night I woke up with her in bed with me trying tocuddle. I rolled my back to her and went to sleep.

 

I am still working the 180, but I cannot do this very much longer, I am really trying to come to terms with divorcing her. I will start ICnext week and try to get this all into perspective. I do see that the rabbithole is much deeper than I ever could imagine and I am at the point where itreally doesn’t matter to me. I am leaning on filing for divorce, but I will not blindside her I will tell her beforehand. I have started looking for my own place to live

Edited September 2, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[aliveagain]

Update: I met with Jack last night at a local bar and we spent the first hour just catching up and talking about our kids, family andwork. Jack finally said why did you wanted to meet with me. I said that Iwanted him to tell me if he had any information about my wife cheating when shewas running around with his XW. Jack said that he never saw my WW cheat but he always suspected it because his XW and their other friend Susan, that ran with them both cheated and got divorced. He said that he was too busy working fulltime and taking care of two small children to worry about what his XW wasdoing. He said that Jill was arrested for a second DUI and was found to have prescription pills on her at the time and that allowed him to get full custody.

 

Jack continued that he was going to approach me about this a few years ago but decided that he had no proof to go on just something that he suspected. We finished the night and I stayed at the bar, I just didn’t want togo home. I finally left around 11:30pm and went to the house

 

WW was waiting for me and wanted to know where I have been.I told her that I told you I was going out tonight and I wasn’t expecting you to come home until Thursday. She was very angry and ripped into me, so much forher remorse. I listened then told her that I had too much to drink and I amtired and going to bed. She continued with her verbal abuse, I ignored it and got changed for bed. I came out of the bedroom and she started in on me walking around half naked in the house and she doesn’t like it. I was wearing a pair of running shorts. I told her that I would never do that again and she would never see me half naked or naked again. She was kind a surprised by my comment and I went to bed. Later during the night I woke up with her in bed with me trying tocuddle. I rolled my back to her and went to sleep.

 

I am still working the 180, but I cannot do this very much longer, I am really trying to come to terms with divorcing her. I will start ICnext week and try to get this all into perspective. I do see that the rabbithole is much deeper than I ever could imagine and I am at the point where itreally doesn’t matter to me. I am leaning on filing for divorce, but I will not blindside her I will tell her beforehand. I have started looking for my own place to live

 

If he suspected it so did everyone else. Everyone has probably come to the same conclusion on their own, anyone that knows your group. Jill had two DUI's and he got custody, so she must have had the same behaviour when she was out with your wife. He suspected your wife was cheating years ago, that means it might of been going on longer than you thought. Bottom line, your wife acted in the same way as Jill and Susan and she would have been at the same places and in the same situations doing the same things as her now divorced girlfriends. Like I said your strongest at time of confrontation. This is when you hit her with your toughest demands perhaps passing a polygraph should be one of your requirements because I don't think you'll ever get all the truth from her.

[S2B]

I'm glad you're staying strong enough to resist her manipulation.

 

I wish you'd tell her to STFU when she yells at you!!! How dare she yell at you for anything right now! It's more manipulation to turn the focus onto YOU instead of HER.

 

It's mean! Stop allowing it! It allows her to think she's in charge! Just stop allowing her to even raise her voice when in your presence.

 

You've trained her that it is acceptable - now train her that it's completely unacceptable.

 

When she has something to say - make her wait until she no longer will raise her voice to you. And YOUR behavior and accountability for time is not to be discussed... At least UNTIL she calmly gives you a COMPLETE timeline for the past ten years of HER accountability; including her truth.

 

She's gas lighting you big time. She's still trying to control and manipulate you into submission.

 

Do not do it!

 

 

In fact, I'd demand that she move out TODAY! No one needs that in the home! You will be capable of collecting your thoughts clearly and without her gas lighting if she's gone for a long while. Send her away.

[Bigdaddyt]

If he suspected it so did everyone else. Everyone has probably come to the same conclusion on their own, anyone that knows your group. Jill had two DUI's and he got custody, so she must have had the same behaviour when she was out with your wife. He suspected your wife was cheating years ago, that means it might of been going on longer than you thought. Bottom line, your wife acted in the same way as Jill and Susan and she would have been at the same places and in the same situations doing the same things as her now divorced girlfriends. Like I said your strongest at time of confrontation. This is when you hit her with your toughest demands perhaps passing a polygraph should be one of your requirements because I don't think you'll ever get all the truth from her.

 

Alive, she is currently in Lalaland and is to busy shifting the blame back on me. I am starting to think that her phone calls and texting are just theatrics to make her the victim. I truly believe that the truth is so bad she can't bear to face it , because she knows that if I know the truth I won't stay.

[aliveagain]

Alive, she is currently in Lalaland and is to busy shifting the blame back on me. I am starting to think that her phone calls and texting are just theatrics to make her the victim. I truly believe that the truth is so bad she can't bear to face it , because she knows that if I know the truth I won't stay.

 

 

BDT, I think you are right. She knows how it all turned out for the other two amigos and she was in just as deep as they were. She is blame shifting with a heavy dose of rug sweeping. Remind her that before she let another man have her she considered the worst case scenarios before stepping over that line, here it is, her worst case scenario, exactly what she envisioned.

[Bigdaddyt]

I'm glad you're staying strong enough to resist her manipulation.

 

I wish you'd tell her to STFU when she yells at you!!! How dare she yell at you for anything right now! It's more manipulation to turn the focus onto YOU instead of HER.

 

It's mean! Stop allowing it! It allows her to think she's in charge! Just stop allowing her to even raise her voice when in your presence.

 

You've trained her that it is acceptable - now train her that it's completely unacceptable.

 

When she has something to say - make her wait until she no longer will raise her voice to you. And YOUR behavior and accountability for time is not to be discussed... At least UNTIL she calmly gives you a COMPLETE timeline for the past ten years of HER accountability; including her truth.

 

She's gas lighting you big time. She's still trying to control and manipulate you into submission.

 

Do not do it!

 

 

In fact, I'd demand that she move out TODAY! No one needs that in the home! You will be capable of collecting your thoughts clearly and without her gas lighting if she's gone for a long while. Send her away.

 

S2B, I am pushing back on her for all of the yelling and verbal abuse. It is funny that when I raise my voice back at her she gets all indignant and tells me to stop yelling at her. I am thinking about getting my own place, because I don't want to be unprepared and homeless. Jack got kicked out and had to live with his father for a month before he got his own place.

[qubist]

It is obvious that she cheated knows that you know trying her best to control the damage except she has no idea how to do it, she thinks that by shifting the blame then showing love and cuddles can make her get away with it, I wish you had told her clearly that she should come out clean or see her at D court

[Bigdaddyt]

[/b]

 

 

BDT, I think you are right. She knows how it all turned out for the other two amigos and she was in just as deep as they were. She is blame shifting with a heavy dose of rug sweeping. Remind her that before she let another man have her she considered the worst case scenarios before stepping over that line, here it is, her worst case scenario, exactly what she envisioned.

 

Alive, I truly am heart broken and would never imagined that I would be here. Jill and Susan are now outcasts and are still the talk of the town. It just dawned on me that my WW is always sticking up for these two with her friends stating that they are good people that were in bad relationships. Too close for comfort .

[Bigdaddyt]

It is obvious that she cheated knows that you know trying her best to control the damage except she has no idea how to do it, she thinks that by shifting the blame then showing love and cuddles can make her get away with it, I wish you had told her clearly that she should come out clean or see her at D court

 

Qubist, I did not state that because if she tells me the truth and it is as bad as I think, I will D her.

[aliveagain]

Alive, I truly am heart broken and would never imagined that I would be here. Jill and Susan are now outcasts and are still the talk of the town. It just dawned on me that my WW is always sticking up for these two with her friends stating that they are good people that were in bad relationships. Too close for comfort .

 

Friend, if they are the talk of the town so is your wife. I worry about what they are saying about you and if any of the fallout gets back to your kids. Kids talk at school and their not always nice. She has to stick up for them because she's just as dirty and has probably figured out the towns people are saying all kinds of things to each other behind her back. I think she's worried that someone is going to tell you about things they have seen them do together. In time everything comes into the light. As I said before, infidelity is the worst form of disrespect.

[Bigdaddyt]

Friend, if they are the talk of the town so is your wife. I worry about what they are saying about you and if any of the fallout gets back to your kids. Kids talk at school and their not always nice. She has to stick up for them because she's just as dirty and has probably figured out the towns people are saying all kinds of things to each other behind her back. I think she's worried that someone is going to tell you about things they have seen them do together. In time everything comes into the light. As I said before, infidelity is the worst form of disrespect.

 

Alive, I am coming to the painful realization that my marriage is over and I will have to move on. It is true that the husband is always the last to know.

[sandylee1]

She thinks you were out with another woman I reckon. She's decided to stop apologising then? She hoped you'd cave in and sleep with her. Remember you managed without sex when she had the accident.......so you really can go without it for a while.

 

Her blaming you isn't on at all. If she suspected an affair she should have asked you about it. She wanted an affair and tried to justify it - plain and simple.

 

I think you should try and check if your phone has been closed ed, as you don't want her knowing your every move......from lawyers to finances.

 

You hold the power right now.....don't loose it.

[Buckeye2]

S2B, I am pushing back on her for all of the yelling and verbal abuse. It is funny that when I raise my voice back at her she gets all indignant and tells me to stop yelling at her.

 

Your wife has been the boss your entire marriage because her verbal abuse worked. Verbal abuse has always been her hammer; you aren’t allowed to use it. When things are going against her she pulls out the hammer like she always has. When that doesn’t work she gets nice.

 

Not reacting to her verbal abuse and threatening to leave are the only leverage you have. Never give that up. i.e. Never say that you forgive her. Make it clear that you reserve the right to leave her. It may be next week or in the next decade. That leverage is the only thing keeping her from rolling over you.

[Bigdaddyt]

Your wife has been the boss your entire marriage because her verbal abuse worked. Verbal abuse has always been her hammer; you aren’t allowed to use it. When things are going against her she pulls out the hammer like she always has. When that doesn’t work she gets nice.

 

Not reacting to her verbal abuse and threatening to leave are the only leverage you have. Never give that up. i.e. Never say that you forgive her. Make it clear that you reserve the right to leave her. It may be next week or in the next decade. That leverage is the only thing keeping her from rolling over you.

 

Buckeye, she has always tried to control every aspect of my life, she treats me more like her property than her husband. I have told her that I don't know if I can get over all of this and have told her that until I know the truth I can't decide.

[Buckeye2]

Buckeye, she has always tried to control every aspect of my life, she treats me more like her property than her husband. I have told her that I don't know if I can get over all of this and have told her that until I know the truth I can't decide.

 

By deciding you should mean to try R or D. If you decide to R make it very clear that R is a gift to her. That it’s an ongoing process that may ultimately fail years now.

 

What she wants is for you to decide to stay married and then what she did in the past is wiped clean. You can’t use it to divorce her and she can go back to normal. (i.e. she wants you to be stuck so she can go back to verbal abuse). NEVER give up your leverage.

[Bigdaddyt]

By deciding you should mean to try R or D. If you decide to R make it very clear that R is a gift to her. That it’s an ongoing process that may ultimately fail years now.

 

What she wants is for you to decide to stay married and then what she did in the past is wiped clean. You can’t use it to divorce her and she can go back to normal. (i.e. she wants you to be stuck so she can go back to verbal abuse). NEVER give up your leverage.

 

Buckeye, I am certain that if I said all is forgiven and let's not ever talk about this again. She would be receptive and she would at least slow her verbal abuse to me. I feel that I cannot go back into that again .

[aliveagain]

Alive, I am coming to the painful realization that my marriage is over and I will have to move on. It is true that the husband is always the last to know.

 

I was the last to know in my situation. Had one of her girlfriends not had a heart and finally told me about her secret life I might still been stuck in that hell. The hardest part for me was leaving the only son I had because he ended up being the other mans child. The kid had only started walking and I can still see him running to me with his wobbly little legs, still breaks my heart and I tear up every time I think of him, he was so innocent. How does someone do that to another human being? I know exactly where you are and what your going through friend, your not alone.

 

Stay above her intimidation and her attempts to manipulate you. Keep your calm and walk away if you have to but do not stand there and take her sh*t because her sh*t doesn't work on you anymore. You have to be willing to move on sometimes to save what you have. There's no going back to what was anymore and the sooner she gets that the sooner you can decide on a path together.

[Bigdaddyt]

I was the last to know in my situation. Had one of her girlfriends not had a heart and finally told me about her secret life I might still been stuck in that hell. The hardest part for me was leaving the only son I had because he ended up being the other mans child. The kid had only started walking and I can still see him running to me with his wobbly little legs, still breaks my heart and I tear up every time I think of him, he was so innocent. How does someone do that to another human being? I know exactly where you are and what your going through friend, your not alone.

 

Stay above her intimidation and her attempts to manipulate you. Keep your calm and walk away if you have to but do not stand there and take her sh*t because her sh*t doesn't work on you anymore. You have to be willing to move on sometimes to save what you have. There's no going back to what was anymore and the sooner she gets that the sooner you can decide on a path together.

 

Alive, I am sorry for your pain, thank God one of your XW girlfriends told you the truth. I teared up reading your description of the child, I know the pain is horrific . I feel all of my Wife's friends value her friendship over mine. I will most likely divorce everyday my choice is clearer. I just fought myself saying maybe I was wrong.

[S2B]

Buckeye, she has always tried to control every aspect of my life, she treats me more like her property than her husband. I have told her that I don't know if I can get over all of this and have told her that until I know the truth I can't decide.

 

From this perspective - she's already made the decision easy for you.

 

You stay =

More gas lighting

More blame shifting

More cover up

More half truths

More lying by omission

More using you to supply her lifestyle

More cheating under the disguise of socializing

More manipulation

More pretending

More yelling at you

 

You leave =

More pace of mind

More opportunities to have a woman really love you

More honoring yourself

More time to relax without the worries

More showing your kids that certain situations and actions are intolerable and create severe consequences

 

 

 

And the one to be inconvenienced as far as moving should ONLY be her! But change the locks on the house.

 

I'm not sure there's any good reason to stay. Hate to say it, sorry for your pain and suffering - but if she didn't act this way it wouldn't be this way.

 

Since she's not the wife you THOUGHT she WAS - look at who she REALLY is. By getting divorced you have an opportunity to have a decent, kind and respectful wife in the future. By keeping her you know exactly what you're settling for = more of what you've already gotten.

 

 

Start making her very uncomfortable! She's been so comfortable that she isn't willing to change. You want to make her so miserable in her own home that she's happy to move out.

Edited September 2, 2015 by S2B

[qubist]

Bigdaddy: in my opinion filing for D is the only thing left for you to do. trust me my friend, I've been thinking about your situation like I really know you like a brother or a close friend, I always hesitate to push anyone with kids to D, but unfortunately, in your case your wife is not realizing the situation she is insisting on her ways of distracting you from it rather than facing it. I'm not saying that you guys can never get back together, who knows what will happen, there are lot of possibilities, but if you don't slap her with the reality she wouldn't do anything different.

I said it to you before, I'm confident that you would cope and be happy with your decision whether you are with her in the future or not, because you are man with strength and good intentions. I'm also confident that you will be there for your kids with or without her

[Bigdaddyt]

From this perspective - she's already made the decision easy for you.

 

You stay =

More gas lighting

More blame shifting

More cover up

More half truths

More lying by omission

More using you to supply her lifestyle

More cheating under the disguise of socializing

More manipulation

More pretending

More yelling at you

 

You leave =

More pace of mind

More opportunities to have a woman really love you

More honoring yourself

More time to relax without the worries

More showing your kids that certain situations and actions are intolerable and create severe consequences

 

 

 

And the one to be inconvenienced as far as moving should ONLY be her! But change the locks on the house.

 

I'm not sure there's any good reason to stay. Hate to say it, sorry for your pain and suffering - but if she didn't act this way it wouldn't be this way.

 

Since she's not the wife you THOUGHT she WAS - look at who she REALLY is. By getting divorced you have an opportunity to have a decent, kind and respectful wife in the future. By keeping her you know exactly what you're settling for = more of what you've already gotten.

 

 

Start making her very uncomfortable! She's been so comfortable that she isn't willing to change. You want to make her so miserable in her own home that she's happy to move out.

 

S2B, I am aware of all of this and I am steeling myself for D. She called me at work to tell me how horrible the boys are. She tells me that they are miserable and constantly complaining about everything . I told her that they are just reacting to their home environment . I told her that she is running a unhappy home and that she alone is to blame.

[Bigdaddyt]

Bigdaddy: in my opinion filing for D is the only thing left for you to do. trust me my friend, I've been thinking about your situation like I really know you like a brother or a close friend, I always hesitate to push anyone with kids to D, but unfortunately, in your case your wife is not realizing the situation she is insisting on her ways of distracting you from it rather than facing it. I'm not saying that you guys can never get back together, who knows what will happen, there are lot of possibilities, but if you don't slap her with the reality she wouldn't do anything different.

I said it to you before, I'm confident that you would cope and be happy with your decision whether you are with her in the future or not, because you are man with strength and good intentions. I'm also confident that you will be there for your kids with or without her

 

Qubist, I have come to the realization that my options are fast being depleted and that D is becoming my only choice. I want to go to church this Sunday and pray maybe even talk to a priest then make a choice. Even if my WW came to me and begged to R, I am afraid that the truth is too ugly for me to forgive. Also Thankyou for your kindness , I have faced a lot of adversity in my life and always came out on top. This will be just one more test for me. I know that you suffered through this as well, I read your thread.

[whatatangledweb]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. From my experience they get very defensive and turn it on to you when they are guilty of something. Your wife goes back and forth, loving then angry and starts the cycle again. She is trying to see which one works on you. She cheated and is trying to hide how bad it was from you. You have to decide that if her cheating was a deal breaker for you. Do not let a friend, a pastor , priest, or her tell you what you should do. This is something only you can decide. Do not stay just for the kids.I grew up in a home like that. It isn't good for the kids.

 

Even when you decide to give your spouse a second chance as I did, it is hard and very painful to go through. And my husband was very remorseful. Your wife is not.

[S2B]

What has the PI uncovered?