Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[MrBojangles]

Bigdaddyt- for what it's worth, I believe you are making the right call, opting to file sooner rather than later.

 

From the sounds of it, your WW is probably not remorseful about her affair(s), and therefore will probably never be capable of ever showing it.

 

The longer you remain in this toxic environment, the more damage you will suffer to your psyche and long term ability to heal from this all.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I intend to cancel all credit cards and only leave her with a debit card and an allowance in the bank. I will pay all of the household expenses and anything necessary for the children's support including my daughters tuition.

[Buckeye2]

My WW shows zero remorse and acts like everything is normal, she had about six of her girlfriends over last night for a GNO at our house. She has no idea how different her life will be starting next week. She will have to get a job and work, no more lunches out with her BFF's.

 

This is her set point or baseline. This is how her world should be and has always been. She doesn’t know how to handle any other environment so she desperately avoids even considering change. You raddle her cage by saying that you want a divorce. She reacts by trying different things from her "bag of tricks" and then goes back to her safe place. She is not going to change.

 

Bag of Tricks =

 

She has tried being nice, being needy, being a b*tch, using the kids, making it your fault.

Edited September 4, 2015 by Buckeye2

[aliveagain]

All: I intend to cancel all credit cards and only leave her with a debit card and an allowance in the bank. I will pay all of the household expenses and anything necessary for the children's support including my daughters tuition.

 

Good move, she needs to experience what life without you will be like. You gave her a drop dead date for her timeline, do not move your line in the sand because doing so shows weakness. Defend your threats, do not say or promise anything you don't intend to enforce. Continue with the 180, and by all means listen to your lawyer. It is probably time to expose her to the families because I don't see any change in her. Burying her head in the sand isn't a sign of remorse. Remember, once you start the process of divorce it doesn't mean you have to divorce, you can stop the process if you get the results you need. That is if it's proven that her infidelity wasn't as bad as we all think it is, but that is up to her to prove to your satisfaction. Having a girls night out party at your house when she's trying to save her marriage isn't the wisest thing to do. It doesn't sound like your wife ever grew up.

[Bigdaddyt]

Good move, she needs to experience what life without you will be like. You gave her a drop dead date for her timeline, do not move your line in the sand because doing so shows weakness. Defend your threats, do not say or promise anything you don't intend to enforce. Continue with the 180, and by all means listen to your lawyer. It is probably time to expose her to the families because I don't see any change in her. Burying her head in the sand isn't a sign of remorse. Remember, once you start the process of divorce it doesn't mean you have to divorce, you can stop the process if you get the results you need. That is if it's proven that her infidelity wasn't as bad as we all think it is, but that is up to her to prove to your satisfaction. Having a girls night out party at your house when she's trying to save her marriage isn't the wisest thing to do. It doesn't sound like your wife ever grew up.

 

Alive, my deadline is Sunday then I will expose this and move out. I know that a lot of posters said that I should have done this immediately,but it has only been two weeks since my D day. This will not be easy, but my wife is still in the fog and I can't reach her. If she approached me as a loving wife and gave me a complete confession and asked for R, I would probably cave. I am a Christian and I believe that at this point if my wife did this it would be miraculous .

[Poutrew]

Bigdaddyt, just got say I admire you for developing an exit strategy for yourself and sticking to it. No one should be treated like they are a rug good only for paying the bills and wiping muddy shoes off with. Just one thing, go for full custody. It might not even be too hard to do if she implodes - she will find it is still possible to have her WNO party with her other cheater friends even if she is on welfare. Her lousy friends will certainly understand her situation and not make a stink, but both you and your kids deserve so much more.

[aliveagain]

Alive, my deadline is Sunday then I will expose this and move out. I know that a lot of posters said that I should have done this immediately,but it has only been two weeks since my D day. This will not be easy, but my wife is still in the fog and I can't reach her. If she approached me as a loving wife and gave me a complete confession and asked for R, I would probably cave. I am a Christian and I believe that at this point if my wife did this it would be miraculous .

 

The only way to knock them out of fantasy land is with a real shot of reality.

[qubist]

Bigdaddy: It was all predicted, we all knew she wants to avoid the only way to fix this ordeal. D is the way to go. Call your lawyer today. D process takes time so you will decide later what you want to do about R. but unless you slam her with the reality she wouldn't realize that you had changed.

I would be surprised if she comes with all facts Sunday, she will play one of her ticks on you, just tell her immediately that you decided to D.

I know you still have a soft soft for her in your heart, I can sense that, but trust me you are giving her a favor. that would be a lesson she would thank you for it later

[Clay]

I doubt seriously she will write anything up that you need that has any real value. Just your statements at to her level of remorse at this point would be enough for me to be talking to a attorney. I would be really careful canceling cards and such. The last think you want to look like in court is someone intentionally trying to make her suffer. I would just start splitting things and opening a new account in your name only at a different bank. If you direct deposit get that changed to your new account right away. Once she sees your doing all this she is liable to take as much money as she can out. Splitting it evenly puts you in a good standing with the courts.

 

When I said yesterday you should have had divorce papers drawn up it does not mean you have to have them filed. No one says you have to divorce her but its more a show of actions. It speaks loudly that not only you took the time to go out and hire a attorney but you had them draw up the divorce papers.

 

It sounds like she is planning on calling your bluff and riding out the storm until you give in.

 

I am not saying your going to do that but her actions make me think that is her intent.

 

If she felt you were serious and she was concerned about loosing you she would not have friends over. She would be doing everything she could to fix things. So either she really doesn't care or she thinks she will call your bluff and get control over you again.

 

If she does call your bluff don't move out until you talk to a lawyer. Do not leave the house until he or she says it is ok to do so as far to as moving out.

 

I have to give you credit. I am not a patient guy so there is no way I would be waiting until sunday.

 

C

[qubist]

I doubt seriously she will write anything up that you need that has any real value. Just your statements at to her level of remorse at this point would be enough for me to be talking to a attorney. I would be really careful canceling cards and such. The last think you want to look like in court is someone intentionally trying to make her suffer. I would just start splitting things and opening a new account in your name only at a different bank. If you direct deposit get that changed to your new account right away. Once she sees your doing all this she is liable to take as much money as she can out. Splitting it evenly puts you in a good standing with the courts.

 

When I said yesterday you should have had divorce papers drawn up it does not mean you have to have them filed. No one says you have to divorce her but its more a show of actions. It speaks loudly that not only you took the time to go out and hire a attorney but you had them draw up the divorce papers.

 

It sounds like she is planning on calling your bluff and riding out the storm until you give in.

 

I am not saying your going to do that but her actions make me think that is her intent.

 

If she felt you were serious and she was concerned about loosing you she would not have friends over. She would be doing everything she could to fix things. So either she really doesn't care or she thinks she will call your bluff and get control over you again.

 

If she does call your bluff don't move out until you talk to a lawyer. Do not leave the house until he or she says it is ok to do so as far to as moving out.

 

I have to give you credit. I am not a patient guy so there is no way I would be waiting until sunday.

 

C

I agree with this specially the last sentence. Bigdaddy had shown incredible patience for someone in this ordeal, I told them that last week, that speaks of his mental toughness. Idon't think she doesn't care she just got used on "bluffing" him all these years and hoping she would ride this storm out. D papers will be a proof that bigdaddy isn't bluffing anymore

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I will stick with my plan and I will meet with my attorney on Wednesday , he said that it will take about a week to file the papers. I just don't see any alternatives left for me. When I file I do believe that I will see this through to the bitter end. I feel that we are at the point of no return for us.

[Bigdaddyt]

Have you gotten the papers to fill out yet? They are extensive and you will need to sift through a lot of info to prepare your draft to submit to the attorney. He types them up and then you sign so they can be filed. It's a process, one that you need time to get it right.

 

My suggestion is to get the draft papers now so that you can be ready just in case. Otherwise you will lose a week or two in preparing them to be filed.

 

Just my thought.

 

S2B, Just getting divorce papers to show her would just add to this drama. I am handling this like a surgeon that cuts off a festered limb. It is painful and your are scard for life but absolutely necessary to save the body.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I have come to the conclusion that my WW is an has always been an emotional bully. I realize that I walk around on egg shells around her and trying to judge when her mood will change. It wasn't always like this, but a slow spiral into this current madness.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Big hugs to you. You tried, she didn't. I hope your D is smooth going and she doesn't resist any. As for her GNO night, did you bother with any VAR's? Or are you not bothered anymore? GL on Weds. How she can behave like nothings happened is beyond me. See how her behaviour changes next week....

[Bigdaddyt]

It's her manipulation - her way of controlling you to do things her way.

 

 

I'm sure it has been like this but you just didn't notice it so much. You were too busy trying to please her. She's just attempting to keep you in that position you've always been in. She's tested you, by asking you to pick up dinner and run by the market, you have still participated the way SHE expects (by being compliant and doing as she asked). She tested - you complied.

 

From her perspective you haven't changed much either. You're not making her uncomfortable = she keeps doing things the way she wants.

 

 

What did the VAR reveal?

S2B, the VAR showed me that she has no respect for me. She made fun of me to her friends. She said a lot of unflattering things about me that really shook me up. I didn't know she has this kind of anger towards me. I know that I said it before, so you can tell me to not mention it again, but I truly thought that I was a very good husband and father . I did so much more than most men, I helped her clean and cook, I did the laundry. When the children were babies I changed diapers and got up with them at night.

[GorillaTheater]

Sorry to hear this. It's not a good sign that things will change.

 

You can't make her be a different person. She is who she is.

 

May be best to take her credit cards now and implement your allowance immediately. Protect yourself. And don't wait.

 

Yep. You gave her until Sunday to provide a time line; so be it. But with your new information, it's clear that she's not someone you can reconcile a marriage with.

 

I'd plan on seeing a lawyer early next week and get the ball rolling on divorce, regardless of what she may hand you Sunday.

[Bigdaddyt]

Sorry to hear this. It's not a good sign that things will change.

 

You can't make her be a different person. She is who she is.

 

May be best to take her credit cards now and implement your allowance immediately. Protect yourself. And don't wait.

 

S2B, I plan to play the tape for her on Sunday, just before I dump her azz. I understand from Redbirds posts that the affairs aren't about the BS, she is just making me into the villain in this story.

[GorillaTheater]

S2B, I plan to play the tape for her on Sunday, just before I dump her azz. I understand from Redbirds posts that the affairs aren't about the BS, she is just making me into the villain in this story.

 

I understand the temptation to play the tape, but I can't advise giving up the source of information. I'd just tell her that word got back to you, which is more-or-less the truth. Let her wonder which of her friends squealed.

[jbrent890]

S2B, I plan to play the tape for her on Sunday, just before I dump her azz. I understand from Redbirds posts that the affairs aren't about the BS, she is just making me into the villain in this story.

 

It just depends on the type of wayward you are dealing with. I have encountered waywards that completely blame their affairs on their partners. Just like I have encountered waywards that take full responsibility for their affairs. Sadly, it sounds like you have the former.

[Bigdaddyt]

I understand the temptation to play the tape, but I can't advise giving up the source of information. I'd just tell her that word got back to you, which is more-or-less the truth. Let her wonder which of her friends squealed.

 

Gorilla, great point, I really am not all that deviant, I should really start to take notes. This thread should have been titled what not to do if you are a WW seeking R.

[qubist]

S2B, I plan to play the tape for her on Sunday, just before I dump her azz. I understand from Redbirds posts that the affairs aren't about the BS, she is just making me into the villain in this story.

first of all you are not a villain at all. i agree that A in general are rarely sbout the BS, in most cases A creeps in step by step from the back door. in your case Your wife's cheating has nothing to do with you, I really believe that she loves you but she got to a point where she didn't value you in her marriage enough to not do it. worst part about it is she got used to distracting herself and you about her mistakes and expecting you to just "ride the storm out" that's why IMO D is inevitable even if you think you want to be with her. she will not respect you till you put your foot on and show her that she crossed the limit.

trust me she will be a different person once she realize that she is losing you, it is sad that it has to go this way but it's her fault not yours. she will realize later that this is the best thing that happens to her

[Bigdaddyt]

first of all you are not a villain at all. i agree that A in general are rarely sbout the BS, in most cases A creeps in step by step from the back door. in your case Your wife's cheating has nothing to do with you, I really believe that she loves you but she got to a point where she didn't value you in her marriage enough to not do it. worst part about it is she got used to distracting herself and you about her mistakes and expecting you to just "ride the storm out" that's why IMO D is inevitable even if you think you want to be with her. she will not respect you till you put your foot on and show her that she crossed the limit.

trust me she will be a different person once she realize that she is losing you, it is sad that it has to go this way but it's her fault not yours. she will realize later that this is the best thing that happens to her

 

Qubist, I appreciate you words, I do believe that my WW will have a very difficult time with this once the hammer falls, and it will fall. I also know by not standing up to her for all of these years helped to foster this outcome . It is funny because most people are intimidated by me physically eventhough I am a nice guy and would never hurt anyone, but my little wife ran my dumb azz all around , I just didnt see it.

[Bigdaddyt]

I wouldn't give her your source.

 

You now know. She doesn't need to know how you know.

 

 

There's not one reason to show her "your cards".

 

Stop helping her - start helping yourself. No need to offer her any info expect your end result = which at this point is that you're moving and you're divorcing.

 

 

Spend the weekend packing up all the things you love. Move them to a storage space that she can not access. If you don't - she will not allow you to have certain things later.

 

Be wise. Act as if there's no emotion - there's time for the emotions later.

 

Check on your money. She may be moving some into her name only. Do it now before it's too late.

S2B, This is a good idea, I collect antique metal mechanical banks. I have some that are worth a great deal of money, I can see her having a yard sale.

[sandylee1]

DON'T PLAY THE TAPE .

 

If you want to divulge anything...just say " I have it on good authority that you were making fun of me the other night" , then say "I have no reason to believe what I've heard is untrue "

 

She'll think one of her friends told you.

 

NEVER reveal your sources.

[Buckeye2]

I understand the temptation to play the tape, but I can't advise giving up the source of information. I'd just tell her that word got back to you, which is more-or-less the truth. Let her wonder which of her friends squealed.

 

This is exactly right. In general you don’t want to tell them all you know (because they will make up a story that fits) or your source. Let them assume they were followed by a PI. It will drive them crazy. In this particular case it may cause her to have fights with her friends.