Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[bigman1]

Bid D: As I read your post, it appears that you have placed your wife on a pedestal, to a degree AND you have redefined yourself into husband/father rather than who you are.

 

As for you, I think that you are more in tune with the ideas expressed in your FIL's speech to you about being the "head" of the family and making sacrifices. As a man, it is easy to become so focused on fulfilling those roles, Husband and Father, that you forget that you are an equal member of the family and entitled to certain things as well. You are more than your role!!! Its hard to get out of that mindset, but you are going to have to do so. You are Big D and you have kids and a STBXW. It will change how you process things.

 

As you change your mindset about you, then you will stop focusing on your wife. It won't be, "what kind of husband would..." You won't use your kids as an excuse by saying, "As a father, I owe it to them to ...". (Not that you have used that). Still, It will be: "I deserve...." "I can be the best me, which will benefit my kids if I ...". Did you notice that you are the focus in the last quotes?

 

The woman that you loved never really existed like you thought, so don't mourn her for long. You have not lost anything except the blinders that you had on. She took them off you. Now, you see her for what she is, miss what you thought she was, and realize that you can never unlearn the truth of who she has been all along and will continue to be.

[qubist]

All: I thank everyone for your support and the 2x4s when needed. I see that my marriage has come to an end and I will move on. I will stop posting for now, but I will update all my friends here time to time to let you know my progress . Should I keep this thread open or close it?

 

I wish you the best luck Bigdadyt, I'm confident a man like you will survive all this ordeal and even learn from it and be better. We also learned from your experience and thank you very much for sharing it with us. It would be nice to keep hearing from you but I understand if you don't feel to share any more of your life.

If you want you can start a new thread here or the divorce/ barrack up section of the forum.

I really think you are a class A person and deserve a class A marriage. Good luck

[singer23]

Qubist, I told her this in no uncertain terms.

 

Yet she decided that she will need it due to the stress of the D. How fake is this woman you married ? Be prepared to get your heart destroyed in the next few months.

 

With the urgency she is making this trip, I suspect that there something more to it than just vacation.

[Bigdaddyt]

I wish you the best luck Bigdadyt, I'm confident a man like you will survive all this ordeal and even learn from it and be better. We also learned from your experience and thank you very much for sharing it with us. It would be nice to keep hearing from you but I understand if you don't feel to share any more of your life.

If you want you can start a new thread here or the divorce/ barrack up section of the forum.

I really think you are a class A person and deserve a class A marriage. Good luck

 

Qubist, Thankyou Brother, I will keep the thread open and post every week or so. I have also learned so much about myself and everyone here, the only good advice that I can give everyone in return is to not let a bad event such as betrayal define you and poison you against relationships or members of the opposite sex. There are so many wonderful people in the world you just need to not be afraid to find them.

[aliveagain]

Perhaps you'll hang around and give advice about your experiences to those who have just discovered infidelity in their relationship and are now lost. You have so much to offer. Pay it forward.

[Bigdaddyt]

Perhaps you'll hang around and give advice about your experiences to those who have just discovered infidelity in their relationship and are now lost. You have so much to offer. Pay it forward.

 

Alive, I want to Thankyou for your advice and even the tough love. I will contribute and pay forward , I just was afraid that I wasn't in a position to give someone proper advice.

[sandylee1]

Take care and just know this is all down to her self absorbed nature. A good looking, loving caring and wealthy man who spoils and treats her.....and she does this?

 

I just don't get some women. ...why????

 

I hope none of your children inherit this horrible trait from her.

 

You deserve so much more and my heart goes out to you after what she's put you through. You're a good man, you just didn't have a good wife.

[Redbird Fly]

In my position, I can relate to the feeling of just wanting to run away sometimes. But I can't imagine actually DOING it.

 

I'm sorry, BDT. You're gonna be okay though.

[S2B]

Alive, I want to Thankyou for your advice and even the tough love. I will contribute and pay forward , I just was afraid that I wasn't in a position to give someone proper advice.

 

You've shown what courage and strength look like!!!

 

Good for you!

 

I too, hope you will stay and encourage others that struggle here.

[Clay]

In my position, I can relate to the feeling of just wanting to run away sometimes. But I can't imagine actually DOING it.

 

I'm sorry, BDT. You're gonna be okay though.

 

I don't think he is a run away kind of guy. She has no clue what she just lost but once she sees him moving on with someone else and enjoying his life again its going to eat her alive.

 

He will make it.

 

 

C

[m.snow]

since this is a full blown divorce,

 

~Talk to your attorney, since you got cash talk to another one. just for second opinion.

 

~This is serious, no more willy nilly and acting on your emotions. you must be cold and methodical and focus on the financial impact of the divorce.

 

-That plan(going to casino) from your stbxww goes to show she is on the other side plus more. Do not ever dig more about her. cause damn.

 

Again

~Did you talk about your attorney? on the fact the you left the marital home and have a new residence, before the divorce or papers were served.

(cause that looks like on the courts eyes as abandonment).

[S2B]

Or buying anything new too so may be considered half hers.

 

So consult legal advice so you time your next home purchase separate.

[m.snow]

check with your lawyer about, cutting her from your phone plan. and removing your name from her car insurance or taking her car.

 

in another forum bh who took his stbxww phone and car. i assure you did not end well for the bh lost custody of his children to a mentally impaired,alcoholic,dui,heroine addict stbxww.

 

so talk with your attorney and get a second opinion.

 

don't start taking stuff away until after the divorce.

 

remember that the divorce court system is against hard working married men. yes "is against".

believe that this will be an uphill battle. set your expectations that man will only get 50% custody of his children.

don't ever accept anything less than 50% custody.

 

best option for no trigger's is to sell the house. split profit 50/50

you dont want that scenario where another man is playing daddy to your family in your old home.

 

best to already start with co-parenting counseling. by yourself as to now how to proceed with being a divorced father.

Edited September 11, 2015 by m.snow

[sandylee1]

I don't advise cutting her off financially right now. Pay the bills and give her a monthly allowance for food etc. You'll just end up looking mean and she'll use it against you and to turn others against you.

[S2B]

I don't advise cutting her off financially right now. Pay the bills and give her a monthly allowance for food etc. You'll just end up looking mean and she'll use it against you and to turn others against you.

 

I didn't get the idea that he intended to completely cut her off.

 

I believe his plan was to limit the amount she could access or over spend. In other word- not creating more debt.

 

And when her access is limited she also get a clear message that he's not supporting her bad behavior by continuing to throw money at her.

 

 

Yes, I'd give her a gift card weekly for grocery money. A gas card to fill up her tank.

 

If she needs more than that then she needs to work! She can earn her own money! Especially if she wants to waste it in Vegas or girls night out scenes.

 

She acts like she ever grew up!

 

Her Father is probably worried he's going to stuck footing the bills for his spoiled brat of a daughter.

[qubist]

I didn't get the idea that he intended to completely cut her off.

 

I believe his plan was to limit the amount she could access or over spend. In other word- not creating more debt.

 

And when her access is limited she also get a clear message that he's not supporting her bad behavior by continuing to throw money at her.

 

 

Yes, I'd give her a gift card weekly for grocery money. A gas card to fill up her tank.

 

If she needs more than that then she needs to work! She can earn her own money! Especially if she wants to waste it in Vegas or girls night out scenes.

 

She acts like she ever grew up!

 

Her Father is probably worried he's going to stuck footing the bills for his spoiled brat of a daughter.

bottom line he should consult with his attorney. every state is different and every case is too. he shouldn't do anything unless he gets a green light from his lawyer

[OldRover]

bottom line he should consult with his attorney. every state is different and every case is too. he shouldn't do anything unless he gets a green light from his lawyer

 

You're absolutely right, one needs to know where they stand legally and states are significantly different, and some favor men.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I said I wasn't going to update for a while, but what the hell. My STBXW and her BFFs went to the casinos and I am keeping my boys. STBXW has been sending me pictures of herself in her bikini telling me "Missing you just what I needed to make me a better wife for u." I am starting to become worried about her mental health. I am keeping to the 180 and I haven't responded to her texts or calls.

[qubist]

All: I said I wasn't going to update for a while, but what the hell. My STBXW and her BFFs went to the casinos and I am keeping my boys. STBXW has been sending me pictures of herself in her bikini telling me "Missing you just what I needed to make me a better wife for u." I am starting to become worried about her mental health. I am keeping to the 180 and I haven't responded to her texts or calls.

first, good to hear back from you. it is obvious that you STBXW is mentally sick, really, she needs some serious help

[whatatangledweb]

Bigdaddyt, keep posting, we like to hear from you.

 

I fail to see how this trip helps her learn what it takes to be a better wife. She sent the pictures to get you excited or show you what you would be missing. Very immature to me. She has no clue what this has done to you. I believe she thinks you will change your mind. Do not reply to her.

[irishguy]

If anyone gets on to you , family etc about working on your marriage after what she is doing going away , make sure you tell them what her idea of working on the marriage was .The kids are lucky to have you to depend on .

[TX-SC]

"Missing you just what I needed to make me a better wife for u."

 

I don't doubt she's learning some new things for the bedroom. Perhaps that makes her a better wife?

 

Your wife is seriously unstable dude. Watch your back at ALL times. Keep a journal in case you need it to get custody of your kids.

[Clay]

Keep posting.

 

She is going to do all she can to string you along. Your safe. They are fun. She wants both. Stick to your plans and just move forward.

 

C

[66Charger]

While she is off to the casinos, move ALL your stuff out. Everything that is personaly yours. Clothes, pictures, toys. Everything. Shut all this down now. There is no need for closure. There is no need for date nights. There is no need for a waiting period. She is who she is. She will probaly get drunk and have sex.

 

Accept it. Accept it all. Do not fight for her anymore. Do not be angry. Bury your dead marriage before she returns. Accept it BDT and move on.

 

There is nothing here left to save.

 

However, You should reply. Send a simple text that says "the divorce papers will be finished on Teusday" Do not send anything else. I am sure that text will burn in her brain.

 

Edit. Forward a copy of her patying in a bikini, while you are home with the boys, PREPARING FOR DIVORCE, to her "understanding Father"

 

Wow.

Edited September 11, 2015 by 66Charger

[S2B]

All: I said I wasn't going to update for a while, but what the hell. My STBXW and her BFFs went to the casinos and I am keeping my boys. STBXW has been sending me pictures of herself in her bikini telling me "Missing you just what I needed to make me a better wife for u." I am starting to become worried about her mental health. I am keeping to the 180 and I haven't responded to her texts or calls.

 

Seriously, she said this? She has a twisted idea of what makes a good/better wife!

 

 

My response would be "no thanks, it's over".

 

Post her bikini pics on her Facebook page - titled "my soon to be ex wife with her bi-lovers". "Glad to be getting rid of the garbage that's been in my home".

 

 

That ought to get her attention and have her know what your intentions are!