Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

Two things;

 

Why did you marry such a woman? You admit she is naive, in her own world, selfish, immature etc. Why did you have kids with this woman? Something is not adding here.

 

You have no obligation to prove anything to your parents in law. You are a grown up man. Make your decisions and go on with your life.

 

SummerDreams, she wasn't always like this and to this degree . I tolerated the emotional roller coaster because I believe part of this is from her accident where she suffered a TBI. The cheating and lying is all on her from prior to the accident.

[Bigdaddyt]

wow do you even have to ask that? uhh people change? people are at there best at the start but towards the later they slowly begin to show their true colors?

 

instead becoming more mature in the relationship, cheaters/waywards are people who become very immature and regress.

 

MSnow, my wife has changed so much from her TBI it is almost like she is a different person. She it prone to fits of rage, then depression . She had to drop out of her last year of college in a specialty program, due to her injuries. I posted this info earlier in the thread , but maybe not in proper detail.

[Bigdaddyt]

This makes me think they sold the PI a load of baloney.

 

6541, The whole thing is a mess, but I believe that it is the truth. My XW always had pretty young woman at the house and they were always touching each other's hair and saying how beautiful they all were. It seems that her girlfriends were all Bi. I am at fault for being a fool and not recognizing it for what it was at the time.

[Bigdaddyt]

I hate to say it but Jill's plan has worked:(

:(

your wife mental issues has made it easier for Jill to work her plan. her behavior while under pressure is reckless. I' may be in the minority here but you should get her some help for the sake of your children. I wouldn't let Jill raise my children

 

Qubist, I know my wife has emotional or mental issues, I just don't know what was cuased by her injuries. Jill cuased a lot of damage but with her BS my wife finally shut her down but the damage is done. I know that my XW has no boundaries and she should have come to me about Jill.

[qubist]

Qubist, I know my wife has emotional or mental issues, I just don't know what was cuased by her injuries. Jill cuased a lot of damage but with her BS my wife finally shut her down but the damage is done. I know that my XW has no boundaries and she should have come to me about Jill.

make sure that Jill is out of her life even if you D you don't want that toxic woman near your children

[Bigdaddyt]

make sure that Jill is out of her life even if you D you don't want that toxic woman near your children

 

Qubist my friend, I may have been a little frazzled from all of this but I am in full divorce mode and I have the means to absolutely crush my STBXW and Jill. I have control over all finances and investments. I plan to visit my in laws today to share the wealth. I am going to tell my FIL about the PI. I am going to continue the exposure to the next level. I am not doing this to be cruel or for revenge, I want the truth out there to level the playing field .

[MrBojangles]

Qubist my friend, I may have been a little frazzled from all of this but I am in full divorce mode and I have the means to absolutely crush my STBXW and Jill. I have control over all finances and investments. I plan to visit my in laws today to share the wealth. I am going to tell my FIL about the PI. I am going to continue the exposure to the next level. I am not doing this to be cruel or for revenge, I want the truth out there to level the playing field .

 

 

Bigdaddyt, I agree with your handling of your situation completely! If you do not act to get the truth out to family and friends, you will end up being made the scapegoat in your failed marriage.

 

Having kept up with your story here, I do not get the sense that you have taken any cruel or vengeful actions against your WW, in fact quite the opposite. As I've followed your posts, I've went from having a glimmer of hope that you could save your marriage, to the realization that R is completely out of your hands at this point, due to the extremes in her behavior.

 

If all of the actions you've take thus far is not enough to snap your WW out of her "fog", then it seems nothing will.

 

Best of luck moving forward!

[whatatangledweb]

Your FIL is goig to try to guilt you into staying. I don't think it matters what you tell him.

 

Did your wife have two affairs at once? Was she cheating with the man while she was cheating with Jill? Did the PI ask Jill if there was other men? I wonder if she cheating since then. Some WS' that are busted years after it happened don't seem to take it seriously. To them it was over a long time ago so they don't get that it is new to the spouse. I don't think your wife will take it seriously until she sees divorce papers. I also believe the dates you said you would do while apart has helped her believe it will blow over. I wouldn't do those at all.

[Bigdaddyt]

Your FIL is goig to try to guilt you into staying. I don't think it matters what you tell him.

 

Did your wife have two affairs at once? Was she cheating with the man while she was cheating with Jill? Did the PI ask Jill if there was other men? I wonder if she cheating since then. Some WS' that are busted years after it happened don't seem to take it seriously. To them it was over a long time ago so they don't get that it is new to the spouse. I don't think your wife will take it seriously until she sees divorce papers. I also believe the dates you said you would do while apart has helped her believe it will blow over. I wouldn't do those at all.

 

What, two affairs at once, probably the POSOM is a loser that Jill brought into the mix to force us apart. As Qubist pointed out it worked. I am done with any hope of R. I am on D mode , I am a very tough businessman, I will treat this as such.

[turnera]

I wonder if you can use the PI's interview with Jill to get the judge to say she can't bring the kids around Jill?

[qubist]

I wonder if you can use the PI's interview with Jill to get the judge to say she can't bring the kids around Jill?

good Idea.

Bigdaddyt: i hope you are sharing everything with your lawyer

[S2B]

It may be a good idea to seek a counselor to give you guidance in your transition.

 

It's hard to begin separating yourself mentally from the person you've been with for many years.

 

They can help you, give you ideas on what your healthy boundary will look like for you. Especially since your wife will likely pull out all the manipulative stops. Be ready for her to present crisis situations that are designed to bring you back into her personal space (illness, injuries). You need to prepare for these and have solid support when they come up.

[singer23]

How did PI find out all this stuff ? If Jill is telling him this, isn;t it likely that this is all BS anyway ?

[Bigdaddyt]

How did PI find out all this stuff ? If Jill is telling him this, isn;t it likely that this is all BS anyway ?

 

Singer, he interviewed everyone separately , some of the interviews were at bars as casual conversation . I know this information to be accurate , my gut tells me so and it has not been wrong so far. Yes my lawyer knows everything . We are ready .

[Bigdaddyt]

It may be a good idea to seek a counselor to give you guidance in your transition.

 

It's hard to begin separating yourself mentally from the person you've been with for many years.

 

They can help you, give you ideas on what your healthy boundary will look like for you. Especially since your wife will likely pull out all the manipulative stops. Be ready for her to present crisis situations that are designed to bring you back into her personal space (illness, injuries). You need to prepare for these and have solid support when they come up.

 

S2B, I have been with this woman for half of my life and losing her is killing me.

[S2B]

S2B, I have been with this woman for half of my life and losing her is killing me.

 

I understand that kind of pain. I was with my exH for 23 years when I found him cheating (for the second time).

 

For my own self worth/respect - I divorced him. It was hard adjusting to not having the other half of me.

 

I needed guidance to help me understand how to stand on my own two feet and what my healthy boundary looked like for me.

 

That was 10 years ago. I'm still super glad I had help during that transition time. I would have lost myself otherwise.

[Bigdaddyt]

I understand that kind of pain. I was with my exH for 23 years when I found him cheating (for the second time).

 

For my own self worth/respect - I divorced him. It was hard adjusting to not having the other half of me.

 

I needed guidance to help me understand how to stand on my own two feet and what my healthy boundary looked like for me.

 

That was 10 years ago. I'm still super glad I had help during that transition time. I would have lost myself otherwise.

 

S2B, I am sorry for your pain, I am feeling it now, but I will also do what is necessary for myself worth. Did you have children and how is your relationship with your XH now? Did he ever ask you to forgive him?

[afoolto no end]

I was also at the 22 year mark when my life was ripped from me.......to have to give up something when it wasn't your choice is so hard, I don't think I will ever be the same person again..........

And for what my husband's affair was only for a few months, gave up everything he was and everything we were for that............

It is hard to make sense of who they chose to be........we can't ever understand we just have to protect ourselves and get the help we need to deal with the losses.............

[turnera]

I've been married 35 years and I think regularly of leaving this marriage; I'd be happy renting a room from some old lady if it gets me away from the stress. There's a woman on another forum in her 60s who just divorced her husband for his cheating 30 years ago; she just decided she didn't want to live a lie the years she had left; and she is SO happy. Just sayin' that being with a person is not the only source of happiness.

[S2B]

S2B, I am sorry for your pain, I am feeling it now, but I will also do what is necessary for myself worth. Did you have children and how is your relationship with your XH now? Did he ever ask you to forgive him?

 

I'm glad to see you are being strong!

 

My relationship now, with him, is good for me because I choose to keep him at a safe distance. He is a true narcissist. He is only capable of thinking if himself. He never imagined he would get caught. He never imagined I would divorce him. But I did. He remarried again and he still tells my kids he wishes we were still married. I won't allow myself to be his victim anymore.

 

I broke free and now it feels like I have my life back. It took me a while to gain my footing but I learned to implement some key tools to help myself. Boundaries are key! MY safe and healthy boundaries to keep him at a distance.

 

I communicate with my kids directly.

I never need to ask "his" permission anymore. (I have to remind him of this)

I also have had to remind him we aren't married anymore.

I remind him not to step into my life.

I use a solid list of "rules of engagement" to keep him out of my life.

 

When asked any questions from him I respond with:

Yes

No

Maybe

I'll give that some consideration

Let me get back to you

I didn't ask for your opinion

That's yours to handle, not mine

...and a few others but I'm not thinking of them at the moment...

 

You see, he tries hard to enter my life but it's my job to keep him out of my life. He will always attempt to manipulate and control me. I had to learn to not respond to him, to not be controlled anymore.

 

For these things I needed help. I was always too nice, too soft and easily swayed by him. I had to learn a new way that looked out for my best interest.

 

 

Will he always love me? Yes. But his brand of love looks much different than others. He only capable of thinking of himself.

 

Did I forgive him? Yes? Did he ask? No. I offered. I didn't want him having ANY power over me. I wanted to take MY power BACK. That was freedom. Letting go of the anger and becoming free was key. I am no longer affected by what he does or doesn't do - that is his, not mine.

 

Neutral is key. I try to stay as neutral and unaffected by him as possible.

 

When my kids have a complaint about him I tell them to talk to him directly about how they feel. I don't want to be in the middle of his manipulation.

 

 

You see, when someone is that selfish and unfeeling - you can't change THEM - you can only change how YOU act or react.

 

I don't have any reaction to his drama anymore. He loves that drama. He would act and I would react. Now, no more REACTIONS from me. It takes the fun out of his game plan when there's NO reaction whatsoever.

 

His new victim is his newer wife. He cheats on her now. Even from this safe distance it's obvious he's cheating. He can't be alone so he remarried - but he can't be faithful either so he cheats.

 

He needs constant ego strokes and validation. He will get it from anywhere.

 

I can't fix him. I can only help myself.

 

It takes courage and strength to break free. To stay free even more effort was needed. He begged me to go back. Never, ever would I betray myself again.

 

You see, he had cheated at the 10 year mark and I did forgive him then. We did have more years of what looked like a super happy marriage. We had it all - yet he still cheated again! Even after so much work and so much counseling.

 

And I realized after being away from him for a while how many red flags I overlooked. How I should have known but didn't, or my mind didn't allow me to admit that maybe something wasn't right.

 

I also had to distance myself from his family. I loved them but they justified and made excuses for his bad behavior - acting like I was supposed to be okay with it and wanting me to continue being the victim to all his crap and wreckage = no thank you!

 

But I'm glad I know now.

 

This freedom is awesome. I have my peace of mind now, again.

 

It has taken me a while to trust men again. But seeing men like you be strong and courageous and with integrity gives me hope that there are decent and kind men in the world.

 

I hope you will seek support from a counselor. It helps to process the trauma and to let it go.

 

Keep your best interest in mind and keep her brand of crazy at a safe distance.

Edited September 13, 2015 by S2B

[Bigdaddyt]

I'm glad to see you are being strong!

 

My relationship now, with him, is good for me because I choose to keep him at a safe distance. He is a true narcissist. He is only capable of thinking if himself. He never imagined he would get caught. He never imagined I would divorce him. But I did. He remarried again and he still tells my kids he wishes we were still married. I won't allow myself to be his victim anymore.

 

I broke free and now it feels like I have my life back. It took me a while to gain my footing but I learned to implement some key tools to help myself. Boundaries are key! MY safe and healthy boundaries to keep him at a distance.

 

I communicate with my kids directly.

I never need to ask "his" permission anymore. (I have to remind him of this)

I also have had to remind him we aren't married anymore.

I remind him not to step into my life.

I use a solid list of "rules of engagement" to keep him out of my life.

 

When asked any questions from him I respond with:

Yes

No

Maybe

I'll give that some consideration

Let me get back to you

I didn't ask for your opinion

That's yours to handle, not mine

...and a few others but I'm not thinking of them at the moment...

 

You see, he tries hard to enter my life but it's my job to keep him out of my life. He will always attempt to manipulate and control me. I had to learn to not respond to him, to not be controlled anymore.

 

For these things I needed help. I was always too nice, too soft and easily swayed by him. I had to learn a new way that looked out for my best interest.

 

 

Will he always love me? Yes. But his brand of love looks much different than others. He only capable of thinking of himself.

 

Did I forgive him? Yes? Did he ask? No. I offered. I didn't want him having ANY power over me. I wanted to take MY power BACK. That was freedom. Letting go of the anger and becoming free was key. I am no longer affected by what he does or doesn't do - that is his, not mine.

 

Neutral is key. I try to stay as neutral and unaffected by him as possible.

 

When my kids have a complaint about him I tell them to talk to him directly about how they feel. I don't want to be in the middle of his manipulation.

 

 

You see, when someone is that selfish and unfeeling - you can't change THEM - you can only change how YOU act or react.

 

I don't have any reaction to his drama anymore. He loves that drama. He would act and I would react. Now, no more REACTIONS from me. It takes the fun out of his game plan when there's NO reaction whatsoever.

 

His new victim is his newer wife. He cheats on her now. Even from this safe distance it's obvious he's cheating. He can't be alone so he remarried - but he can't be faithful either so he cheats.

 

He needs constant ego strokes and validation. He will get it from anywhere.

 

I can't fix him. I can only help myself.

 

It takes courage and strength to break free. To stay free even more effort was needed. He begged me to go back. Never, ever would I betray myself again.

 

You see, he had cheated at the 10 year mark and I did forgive him then. We did have more years of what looked like a super happy marriage. We had it all - yet he still cheated again! Even after so much work and so much counseling.

 

And I realized after being away from him for a while how many red flags I overlooked. How I should have known but didn't, or my mind didn't allow me to admit that maybe something wasn't right.

 

I also had to distance myself from his family. I loved them but they justified and made excuses for his bad behavior - acting like I was supposed to be okay with it and wanting me to continue being the victim to all his crap and wreckage = no thank you!

 

But I'm glad I know now.

 

This freedom is awesome. I have my peace of mind now, again.

 

It has taken me a while to trust men again. But seeing men like you be strong and courageous and with integrity gives me hope that there are decent and kind men in the world.

 

I hope you will seek support from a counselor. It helps to process the trauma and to let it go.

 

Keep your best interest in mind and keep her brand of crazy at a safe distance.

S2B, I printed your response so that I can read it when I am feeling unsure of myself or I feel week. Your strength you show is amazing and I truly like your list of responses I will have to memorize them.

Last night my STBXW returned home to take the boys and she asked me to stay for a family dinner; which I did. We watched a movie as a family and it was almost like old times, until my wifes phone recorded that she had received a voice mail without the phone ringing. She played it without checking who it was from and it was a very drunk man singing Happy Birthday to Amanada,(Not my wifes name) My STBXW Birthday is next week and her girlfriends took her to the casinos to celebrate early. She looked terrified and said that it must be a mistake or one of hergirlfriends must have given her number to someone without her knowing it, She tried to blame shift this and went on the attack. I just stood up smiled and said you are up to your old ways again. I wish you happiness in your new life, but we are so done you F___ing B____. I left left, she has been blowing uo my phone but I wount answer. I went to church this morning and she showed up with the kids and sat next to me. I spoke to the kids only and left, she stood crying in the parking lot. I guess she reaaly thinks that I am that much of a stooge to believe her. The pain of this disrespect is unbearable sometimes.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[Bigdaddyt]

I was also at the 22 year mark when my life was ripped from me.......to have to give up something when it wasn't your choice is so hard, I don't think I will ever be the same person again..........

And for what my husband's affair was only for a few months, gave up everything he was and everything we were for that............

It is hard to make sense of who they chose to be........we can't ever understand we just have to protect ourselves and get the help we need to deal with the losses.............

Afool, I am sorry for your pain no one deserves to have this inflicted on them by a selfish liar. I have found in life that the best possible revenge is to live well!

[S2B]

S2B, I printed your response so that I can read it when I am feeling unsure of myself or I feel week. Your strength you show is amazing and I truly like your list of responses I will have to memorize them.

Last night my STBXW returned home to take the boys and she asked me to stay for a family dinner; which I did. We watched a movie as a family and it was almost like old times, until my wifes phone recorded that she had received a voice mail without the phone ringing. She played it without checking who it was from and it was a very drunk man singing Happy Birthday to Amanada,(Not my wifes name) My STBXW Birthday is next week and her girlfriends took her to the casinos to celebrate early. She looked terrified and said that it must be a mistake or one of hergirlfriends must have given her number to someone without her knowing it, She tried to blame shift this and went on the attack. I just stood up smiled and said you are up to your old ways again. I wish you happiness in your new life, but we are so done you F___ing B____. I left left, she has been blowing uo my phone but I wount answer. I went to church this morning and she showed up with the kids and sat next to me. I spoke to the kids only and left, she stood crying in the parking lot. I guess she reaaly thinks that I am that much of a stooge to believe her. The pain of this disrespect is unbearable sometimes.

 

Well, practice stronger boundaries.

 

No "dinner together". It sends her and the kids a message. A message that you are willing to participate like everything is fine.

 

You can't change HER! You CAN change the way YOU participate! Not participating sends a clear message.

 

When she shows up at church and sits by you - get up and move or leave.

 

Remember neutral is best. No reaction is an action.

 

These are designed to help YOU!

 

She wants "that reaction" FROM YOU. Don't give it TO her.

 

Give her nothing! Nothing is something!

[Bigdaddyt]

I've been married 35 years and I think regularly of leaving this marriage; I'd be happy renting a room from some old lady if it gets me away from the stress. There's a woman on another forum in her 60s who just divorced her husband for his cheating 30 years ago; she just decided she didn't want to live a lie the years she had left; and she is SO happy. Just sayin' that being with a person is not the only source of happiness.

Turnera, I am sorry for your suffering as well, I do not have the strength to stay married as you have choosen to do. I wish that I did, but the disrespect is physicalling killing me. I am a very physically strong person and I fear that one day I am going to snap becuase of her mental abuse and do something that I would regret. That is why I left the marital house against everyones advice. It is the lessor of the two evils for me.

[Marc878]

Ugh, well it may have been a good thing.

 

Nothing like a good reminder of what you're leaving behind.

 

Get out and don't look back.