S2B Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 I forgot: The first rule of engagement is: do not engage! Another one is: Hmmmm Imagine ONLY saying Hmmmm when her voicemail message was played. Then leaving immediately after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 Ugh, well it may have been a good thing. Nothing like a good reminder of what you're leaving behind. Get out and don't look back. Marc, I am going to get out but unfortunately I will probably always look back, at what could have been. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 I forgot: The first rule of engagement is: do not engage! Another one is: Hmmmm Imagine ONLY saying Hmmmm when her voicemail message was played. Then leaving immediately after. S2B, I will work hard at disengaging, I started therapy IC on Friday, he basically said that I was so accustomed to tolerating abuse as a child, I do not have the tools to recognize or deal with it as an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 S2B, I will work hard at disengaging, I started therapy IC on Friday, he basically said that I was so accustomed to tolerating abuse as a child, I do not have the tools to recognize or deal with it as an adult. Really? You recognized the telephone call for what it was. You called her out on it and left. I would say you recognize the abuse and you are no longer tolerating it. Sad that your wife is left in the parking lot and crying. But she put herself there. You no longer choose to. You should communicate that to her. Be clear. Be calm. HM Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 S2B, I will work hard at disengaging, I started therapy IC on Friday, he basically said that I was so accustomed to tolerating abuse as a child, I do not have the tools to recognize or deal with it as an adult. I get this, I lived it! The best way to begin handling it is to start acting differently (contrary action) than ever before. Opposite action gets YOU a different result. Like when she asks if you want to stay and have dinner (doesn't matter if you WANT to or not) = only answer "no". If she asks why not? Only state you answered her question. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Wow, so much disrespect! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 S2B, I printed your response so that I can read it when I am feeling unsure of myself or I feel week. Your strength you show is amazing and I truly like your list of responses I will have to memorize them. Last night my STBXW returned home to take the boys and she asked me to stay for a family dinner; which I did. We watched a movie as a family and it was almost like old times, until my wifes phone recorded that she had received a voice mail without the phone ringing. She played it without checking who it was from and it was a very drunk man singing Happy Birthday to Amanada,(Not my wifes name) My STBXW Birthday is next week and her girlfriends took her to the casinos to celebrate early. She looked terrified and said that it must be a mistake or one of hergirlfriends must have given her number to someone without her knowing it, She tried to blame shift this and went on the attack. I just stood up smiled and said you are up to your old ways again. I wish you happiness in your new life, but we are so done you F___ing B____. I left left, she has been blowing uo my phone but I wount answer. I went to church this morning and she showed up with the kids and sat next to me. I spoke to the kids only and left, she stood crying in the parking lot. I guess she reaaly thinks that I am that much of a stooge to believe her. The pain of this disrespect is unbearable sometimes. Are you sh*tting me? Well he had the right phone number and most likely the right alias she gave him. Sounds like the other husbands need to be informed about the activities of the wives that were with her and what they were really up to. Why don't you tell your soon to be ex wife to loose your number? She needs a psychiatric evaluation done, maybe some of her marbles came loose in her car accident or perhaps she may have a serious medical issue that is showing up in erratic behaviour. Distance yourself friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 Are you sh*tting me? Well he had the right phone number and most likely the right alias she gave him. Sounds like the other husbands need to be informed about the activities of the wives that were with her and what they were really up to. Why don't you tell your soon to be ex wife to loose your number? She needs a psychiatric evaluation done, maybe some of her marbles came loose in her car accident or perhaps she may have a serious medical issue that is showing up in erratic behaviour. Distance yourself friend. Alive, That is the truth, I am still shaking thinking about it. She just has no respect for me, I am at a loss to understand why. I guess at this point it really doesn't matter. I will stick to the 180 and have almost not contact with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 Well now I know that she goes by the name Amanda, this just makes me realize what I truly have on my hands. I cannot wait to have her served. I did tell her parents and Sisters and cousins about everything. I didn't share this it is just too much over the top and after I told everyone. I am truly physically ill over this . She will regret her decisions, but it is already too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Marc, I am going to get out but unfortunately I will probably always look back, at what could have been. I know. I really feel for you. When she plays the pity party later REMEMBER. Instead of thinking about the good times REMEMBER, she'll fade quicker If you had or have any doubts REMEMBER I wish you the very best. Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 (edited) Well now I know that she goes by the name Amanda, this just makes me realize what I truly have on my hands. I cannot wait to have her served. I did tell her parents and Sisters and cousins about everything. I didn't share this it is just too much over the top and after I told everyone. I am truly physically ill over this . She will regret her decisions, but it is already too late. In future conversations, refer to her only as Amanda. That's her "whore name", so now that you know it, use it. Refuse to use her real name except for legal purposes. Edited September 13, 2015 by TX-SC Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Surely your not surprised by the phone call. I understand its been a long term marriage, but come on now. You are wasting emotional energy on the unworthy. You should serve her and then go do the trainer. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Bigdaddyt: this is a tough time for you. It you will make it, she is a mess and she knows it too she just doesn't have no idea how to deal with it, remember that your plan when you filed is to make her face it abviousely this wasn't enough of a slap on her face. You need to go strict NC it is better for both of you. Like other posters suggested no more family diner with her, church going or any other socializing with her. In fact if you want a family diner or lunch take your kids out to a restaurant without her. bigdaddyt do not let this stress you out 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Amanda? So she is two people at once? She has given you evidence that she isn't capable of being respectful, truthful or even close to a decent wife. Treat her as such. I wouldn't be surprised if you find out she earns money for the deeds she participates in. Who creates an alternate name? Oh ya, a service gal. You may want to consider 100% custody IF this is a hat your kids may be exposed to. Her behavior isn't appropriate for a role model. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 What are the chances of a positive hit if you search her email or name on that Ashley Madison exposure site. What if you checked out her married girlfriends that went to the casino's with her? I think you just need to serve her, let a process server do it. The fact she's a stay at home mother is going to cost you big time when it comes to support payments. The only big change in her lifestyle will be she'll have to have someone watch the kids because you won't be living with her. Just so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Women DO NOT always get 50/50 custody if they are not fit mothers! Please remember what I've posted about our friend & old neighbor. He has FULL custody of his children because of his ex WW's dangerously inappropriate behavior. Please don't assume that the courts won't grant you full custody if it's in the best interests of the children. I know it's very hard for a hard working father but he's always found a way to give his kids everything they need in every way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 All: I know this is F---- up, but it is what it is. I am at a lost how to address this, I will have her served this week. That is my only option. I am a really good person, but there is only so much that I can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 All: I know this is F---- up, but it is what it is. I am at a lost how to address this, I will have her served this week. That is my only option. I am a really good person, but there is only so much that I can do. I really am depressed tonight and I have had too much to drink. I am super stressed ,but I will sit in my new place and keep it together. I know better times are coming. I will call my lawyer on Monday . Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 I really am depressed tonight and I have had too much to drink. I am super stressed ,but I will sit in my new place and keep it together. I know better times are coming. I will call my lawyer on Monday . Alcohol is a depressant. I don't suggest that to provide yourself with relief or solutions. Hugs! Been there done that one too... Haven't had a drink now for almost 8 years. I made myself miserable with drinking while my divorce was being finalized. Just don't! Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Alcohol is a depressant. I don't suggest that to provide yourself with relief or solutions. Hugs! Been there done that one too... Haven't had a drink now for almost 8 years. I made myself miserable with drinking while my divorce was being finalized. Just don't! Agreed. Drop the booze. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Bigdaddyt: depression and Alchool are a bad combination stay away from it. Go out running or go to the gym instead. You are depressed because you spent too much emotional energy the last 3 weeks. It's time to relax my friend you did everything in your power to "ride the storm" you should be proud of yourself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Think about your children & your future. I know it's REALLY tempting to self medicate but you'll end-up feeling worse in the long run. Don't do anything you'll regret later. NO PHONE CALLS!! Remain NO CONTACT! Our judgement is rarely good after a few drinks. No one can blame you after all you've been through. Stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Civil Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 You're on the cusp of your best life. You really are. And it's a nerve wracking place to be. When it was my turn, the accumulated shocks were spinning me. Acute pain, yes, but it did not last. No matter how difficult, each day thereafter was incrementally better. And I was quickly referred for CBT. That homework was a job, but it put decades of bad stuff in its proper place. In the past. A piece of the story, not it's theme. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 (edited) All: I know that I should not drink, but tonight I just had to. I am smoking a good cigar and drinking wine to calm my mind which is running wild. The mind movies are just too much. I have a crazy busy work week and tomorrow I will be my normal strong self but tonight I am just not myself. I want to Thankyou all for your support, I know that you all have suffered through this before and have made it through. Edited September 13, 2015 by Bigdaddyt Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 I truly never thought that I would ever be here, it never crossed my mind, I will divorce her but it will break my heart to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
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