drifter777 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Msnow, Ugh! It is what it is. I will seriously consider this option. Good plan. Avoid med's unless they become absolutely necessary. Yes, there are some great antidepressants out there but, in your case, you are reacting to a "real" traumatic situation rather than a clinical or chronic case of depression. And I have to ask - why couldn't the call to Amanda been simply a wrong number? Other than your wife's terrified reaction I'm not sure why you concluded she is using another name. I'm encouraged that you are seeing an IC. I would ask that you discuss your goal with your counselor and I hope it is simply for your own emotional recovery from her betrayal. Dealing with your marital problems may be a part of that focus but not the goal. Your plan for the house - that she live in it until the children are 18 - is a solid plan and one that most mediators & judges will likely assume to be the case. If you make her move you will likely be paying for something that you will not be earning equity in. And I think you understand that you will be supporting her & kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 Good plan. Avoid med's unless they become absolutely necessary. Yes, there are some great antidepressants out there but, in your case, you are reacting to a "real" traumatic situation rather than a clinical or chronic case of depression. And I have to ask - why couldn't the call to Amanda been simply a wrong number? Other than your wife's terrified reaction I'm not sure why you concluded she is using another name. I'm encouraged that you are seeing an IC. I would ask that you discuss your goal with your counselor and I hope it is simply for your own emotional recovery from her betrayal. Dealing with your marital problems may be a part of that focus but not the goal. Your plan for the house - that she live in it until the children are 18 - is a solid plan and one that most mediators & judges will likely assume to be the case. If you make her move you will likely be paying for something that you will not be earning equity in. And I think you understand that you will be supporting her & kids. Drifter, There has just been too many coincidences during our marriage, she goes away with her girlfriends to celebrate her birthday or getting rid of me and this call out of the blue. Her reaction was oh sh-t!!! If it quacks like a duck. I am going to have to pay out a lot of money for this D, I am thinking that it is money well spent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 You should've trying to get full custody. She's unpredictable and not a good Mom. Expose her behavior in court papers. Sell the house. Or move her out now and YOU stay in the house! She should be in a dumpy apartment. And she should get a job! This is where you use her behavior as leverage to keep things you love. She did this; not you. S2B, My oldest will live with me the youngest I will get joint custody. I have my lawyer working out the particulars on the financial impact, I am prepared if this gets ugly. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I sincerely hope that you guys who have been talking to BDT are able to talk some sense into him about the house and getting his head right. I really dont understand why BDT should mive out. The thinking that mediators and judges assume the man should go is archaic. The stability is with the Father. There is no chance that this behaviour will end with a divorce. It will get worse. What kind of idiots do you think will be running around your children? Doing sleepovers? She cannot controp herself. Talk to your lawyer. Protect your children. Full custody. Stay in and Keep the house. When they are of age, YOU sell it and split the profits. You have that completely backwards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 BDT, if your divorcing, get it all over at once. Don't tie yourself to her financially. What happens when you both have new partners in your life, last thing they will want is you tied to each other because of the house. The house will become a future battle and who knows what she'll be like in 10-15 years when she doesn't like you so much and her new partner is influencing her. If your going to end it then end it, listen to your lawyer. Talk to your doctor about sleep aids, you need to think strait. You will not be her best friend. Alive, My attorney is very good and he will tell me what is best in regards to the settlement . I would like to complete this ASAP and put this behind me. I just bought melatonin to try as a sleep aid, I would be afraid to try something stronger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 I sincerely hope that you guys who have been talking to BDT are able to talk some sense into him about the house and getting his head right. I really dont understand why BDT should mive out. The thinking that mediators and judges assume the man should go is archaic. The stability is with the Father. There is no chance that this behaviour will end with a divorce. It will get worse. What kind of idiots do you think will be running around your children? Doing sleepovers? She cannot controp herself. Talk to your lawyer. Protect your children. Full custody. Stay in and Keep the house. When they are of age, YOU sell it and split the profits. You have that completely backwards. 66 Charger, my wife is a great mother she is just a crappy wife. My children adore her and would be lost without her. I have spoken to my attorney in regards to custody and this is still on going. Moving out is for my mental health I just can't stand her relentless badgering . I do not want to deal with a false domestic battery claim . Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 If it quacks like a duck. Its funny. I use this same line with my kids all the time. If it walks like a duck. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck its probably a duck. They laugh but they actually get it. You know for all the things we say to push you in a healthy direction you should really be proud of yourself. Your doing great. I know its hard and it hurts like hell but these are the times that really define who we really are. Stand tall and be proud. You are not the one that failed she did. You stayed true to her and she did not. I have always been proud of myself for staying faithful and there were a few times I really wanted to fail. I just knew me cheating too would not take my pain away. Kicking her to the curb is what really helped me. You will find your own strength to move forward. C 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 After reading your post, I tried to edit my reply. I completely agree with your plan. Get this done. Quickly. Move on, BDT, move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 Its funny. I use this same line with my kids all the time. If it walks like a duck. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck its probably a duck. They laugh but they actually get it. You know for all the things we say to push you in a healthy direction you should really be proud of yourself. Your doing great. I know its hard and it hurts like hell but these are the times that really define who we really are. Stand tall and be proud. You are not the one that failed she did. You stayed true to her and she did not. I have always been proud of myself for staying faithful and there were a few times I really wanted to fail. I just knew me cheating too would not take my pain away. Kicking her to the curb is what really helped me. You will find your own strength to move forward. C Clay, Thankyou for your kind words and support. This is painful, but I will survive and be successful . I do not think that she will fare as well. I saw how people suffer from infidelity at an early age, it is something that I swore I would never do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) And I have to ask - why couldn't the call to Amanda been simply a wrong number? Other than your wife's terrified reaction I'm not sure why you concluded she is using another name. Amanda was having a birthday and so was Mrs. OP. Girls night out trip was for the birthday so people at the bar were probably told what the party was for. I am going to have to pay out a lot of money for this D, I am thinking that it is money well spent. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it’s worth it. Edited September 14, 2015 by Buckeye2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Amanda was having a birthday and so was Mrs. OP. Girls night out trip was for the birthday so people at the bar were probably told what the party was for. Yes, what a coincidence that both Amanda and your wife were at the same Casino for a birthday party and he had Amanda's phone number which she must have given him that coincidently turned out to be your wife's number. Why would she give him her phone number if she didn't want him to call her? How did he know her real birthday if they didn't spend a bunch of time together? He must have thought he was special enough to be able to call her on her real birthday and sing Happy Birthday to her. She's stroking you friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I think BDT has a great handle on this. There was no reason for her to be In Vegas anyway. How or why he got her number is immaterial by now. But we all KNOW why anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 BDT, in regards to the house, why not just give it to her completely? You can apply your half of the house to her divorce payout. So if, say, your house is worth 800,000 that would mean that is 400,000 less pure cash she can suck out of your bank account. It would also get you out of paying future taxes, and upkeep bills for the thing. If this sounds good to you run it past your lawyer and see what he says. In any case, good luck my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Alive, Initially the two amigos left their husbands for AP then one wanted to come back and her BS said no. I have shared everything with my attorney . I will not sell the house but will allow her to stay in it until youngest is grown and gone then we will sell it and split the proceeds.If you're giving your stbx the value of a home to live in for X years, you'd better be telling your lawyer to ensure that THAT value tranlsates into what you would have given her in child support. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 wait... in all of this is your stbxww getting any sort of counseling? cause yeah going to casino and seeing other men doesn't really help. if your trying to patch up things with BH. i dont know who she's getting her advice from? that going to a casino & getting drunk would help fix marriage problem? does she even know she is getting divorced because of her duplicity? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Since her Dad is so intent on sticking his nose in this - and supporting his daughter - have him buy out her half of the the homes value. He should be willing to help you in this separation of property, since his daughter isn't even willing to be a decent person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 If you're giving your stbx the value of a home to live in for X years, you'd better be telling your lawyer to ensure that THAT value tranlsates into what you would have given her in child support. Turnera, Honestly when we started out we had very little, but over the years accumulated a great deal. I know that she is entitled to half. I will probably negotiate to let her keep the house and a smaller financial settlement . I will be more than okay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Drifter, There has just been too many coincidences during our marriage, she goes away with her girlfriends to celebrate her birthday or getting rid of me and this call out of the blue. Her reaction was oh sh-t!!! If it quacks like a duck. I am going to have to pay out a lot of money for this D, I am thinking that it is money well spent. So, she actually went and visited a new OM ? Do you have access to her call records. She really sounds like a depraved women if she can do it. Let the in-laws know about the latest development Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 So, she actually went and visited a new OM ? Do you have access to her call records. She really sounds like a depraved women if she can do it. Let the in-laws know about the latest development Singer, I do not know, if past behavior is the standard , then I would say yes. It really doesn't matter at this point. I had a great uncle who I truly loved, told me "boy sometimes when something is broken it just cannot be fixed." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 wait... in all of this is your stbxww getting any sort of counseling? cause yeah going to casino and seeing other men doesn't really help. if your trying to patch up things with BH. i dont know who she's getting her advice from? that going to a casino & getting drunk would help fix marriage problem? does she even know she is getting divorced because of her duplicity? MSnow, yes she is, my STBXW has always been a follower and this is her downfall . As reality is setting in she has awaken from her fog and is in full panic mode. She will be served at around lunchtime today. The pressure on me is increasing from family and friends to R. I told my FIL about the VM and latter he called me back to say that this call was nothing that because my wife had no boundaries and acted so badly in the past it makes everything that she does now suspect . I told him that I am too tired to be her warden and that she would be served today. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 MSnow, yes she is, my STBXW has always been a follower and this is her downfall . As reality is setting in she has awaken from her fog and is in full panic mode. She will be served at around lunchtime today. The pressure on me is increasing from family and friends to R. I told my FIL about the VM and latter he called me back to say that this call was nothing that because my wife had no boundaries and acted so badly in the past it makes everything that she does now suspect . I told him that I am too tired to be her warden and that she would be served today. The past has a way of catching up to you. The truth will always find it's way into the light. No matter who the drunk caller is, he knows her well enough to know her real birthday. Who remembers anyone's birthday from that long ago if they were just a casual acquaintance? Like you said, does it really matter at this point? Just a question, will she take a polygraph or do you even care at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 The past has a way of catching up to you. The truth will always find it's way into the light. No matter who the drunk caller is, he knows her well enough to know her real birthday. Who remembers anyone's birthday from that long ago if they were just a casual acquaintance? Like you said, does it really matter at this point? Just a question, will she take a polygraph or do you even care at this point? My friend, I just don't care right now, the 180 is helping me to disengage from her. She would do anything to save us now., including a polygraph. There is a lot going on behind the scenes With our family and friends pushing me to try counseling. I said that I would do joint counseling to coparent . She wants marriage counseling to save us. I know that reality is setting in for her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Hmm, now she is coming around to reality? Are you SURE about that? Now is the time to ask her to watch the kids so you can go to Vegas with the boys and have some fun just like she did. And, make sure she understands it will be JUST like she did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) You should search a old story on this forum by Jack O'neil sg1. "My wife has been cheating the last 10 years" The story is eerily similar. What started as a few affairs turned out to be 8 women and 3 men over 10 years. Exposure caused a devastating ripple effect. I am not sure if anyone remembers the story, but the ending was brutal. He did find love again and another child. Her behaviour was so similar to your STBX. I do feel that the best thing that you can do for your Stbx is divorce her. Then she will live her life as she truly desires. If that is trying to make amends and get you back or continuing the party animal bi lifestyle, it will be her choice. She is at a crossroads. She must travel this path on her own. Without being pushed BY YOU OR HER FATHER. She will either wake up and say WTF or she will not. There is nothing you can do for her, BDT. When faced with imminent divorce, she cheated again. There should be no more tears from you. No more anger. No more depression. You simply must close this door and wish her well. Read the story if you have time. You could have wrote Jacks story Edited September 15, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Stay on path for what's best for you. I think you're doing a good job of staying strong. Link to post Share on other sites
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