Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 Hmm, now she is coming around to reality? Are you SURE about that? Now is the time to ask her to watch the kids so you can go to Vegas with the boys and have some fun just like she did. And, make sure she understands it will be JUST like she did. TX, I am sure, wether it's fear of being broke or losing me, I don't know. She has been exposed to the world as a liar and a cheater, there is no do over button for her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 You should search a old story on this forum by Jack O'neil sg1. "My wife has been cheating the last 10 years" The story is eerily similar. What started as a few affairs turned out to be 8 women and 3 men over 10 years. Exposure caused a devastating ripple effect. I am not sure if anyone remembers the story, but the ending was brutal. He did find love again and another child. Her behaviour was so similar to your STBX. I do feel that the best thing that you can do for your Stbx is divorce her. Then she will live her life as she truly desires. If that is trying to make amends and get you back or continuing the party animal bi lifestyle, it will be her choice. She is at a crossroads. She must travel this path on her own. Without being pushed BY YOU OR HER FATHER. She will either wake up and say WTF or she will not. There is nothing you can do for her, BDT. When faced with imminent divorce, she cheated again. There should be no more tears from you. No more anger. No more depression. You simply must close this door and wish her well. Read the story if you have time. You could have wrote Jacks story 66, I will never know the whole truth but I know enough to make a choice. The wound is not as wide as a church door or as deep as a well, it will serve. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 bigdaddyt: I'm so sorry about what you are dealing with. D is the way to go for right now in my opinion. People that are pushing you to consider MC might have good intentions but they don't know much about MC. I personally do not see anything good would come from a joint MC . But I do recommend that you suggest to her to seriously consider IC. She needs it. I don't know that for sure but I think she loves you as a husband and a father of her kids but she is not a wife material. D is must and hopefully will benefit both of you. It will give a chance to break off this ordeal and set calmly to evaluate all what went wrong, and also you will see how she react to this. Take care of yourself you need to relax 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 You should search a old story on this forum by Jack O'neil sg1. ". No more depression. Read the story if you have time. You could have wrote Jacks story Would you be kind enough to give a link? Thanks ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 When she is served she is likely to cause/throw a little temper tantrum like a two year old. The best reaction from you is absolutely no reaction. Let her sit alone with the mess that SHE has created in her life. Do/say nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 When she is served she is likely to cause/throw a little temper tantrum like a two year old. The best reaction from you is absolutely no reaction. Let her sit alone with the mess that SHE has created in her life. Do/say nothing. S2B, it is done, my phone is exploding with calls and texts. Text are saying not to D she will do anything to fix us. She will agree to any and all conditions . I am in hiding just riding this storm out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 S2B, it is done, my phone is exploding with calls and texts. Text are saying not to D she will do anything to fix us. She will agree to any and all conditions . I am in hiding just riding this storm out. You can block her for a few days. I read a book recently...the mastery of love by Ruiz When a person creates this kind of drama then attempts to throw it on over to you - they are considered leeches. They suck the life out of you. Better not to catch the drama they intend to toss around...let it bounce OFF of you and right back onto them. That way it is there's to deal with. She's so used to stirring the Sh-t pot and then dumping it onto you to fix it all - it's time she realizes that SHE is responsible for all the crap and she's going to be to one hanging onto it. No more owning her crap! She can go throw all her drama onto her new victim. If you are consistently giving her absolutely no reaction = she will move on to a new victim that reacts when she creates this drama, don't let it be you any longer. What a leach wants is that reaction. They want someone else to be left holding all the baggage. They never, ever take responsibility to fix it - they just need a new willing participant. It usually looks like druggy behavior. It doesn't make sense and it's always someone else's fault... Yet they never do anything to change it and the drama always seems to surround mainly them. Very telling. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I would do your best to not even read the messages. She will use any manipulation she can to keep her safe place with you. You supported her. You watch your kids while she went out and had her fun. She is seeing all that come to a end. I also agree with the others. Sell the house and cut all financial agreements with her as soon as possible. Its not just about someone else living in that house. The years and wear and tear on that house will also bring the house value down. A clean financial break is in your best interest. I understand there might be other things you have to factor in like child support and alimony. Aside of that treat this just like a business deal that went to hell. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 precisely. She is merely trying to manipulate you. She's telling a lie that she'll do anything to keep you guys together, because she already had that opportunity and she chose to go gambling with her friends and strange men instead. What she's actually saying is "I've established the minimum that I need to do, how to I get back to right above that line again?" I concur with blocking her line, tell her if she needs you to have her dad (or one of your friends) call you as an intermediary. NOTHING good will come from communicating at all over the next 48 hours (child safety excepted of course) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I'm willing to guess your kids have a cell phone. IF there's a reason they need to contact you at any time - let them know you are available to them. If not, get them each a phone now...that way you can communicate with them directly and bypass their Mother. Shut her down for a whole - her drama is ONLY designed to get YOU to fall back in line (do things HER way). Best to block her and keep your kids available for communicating. Make it clear - she isn't to call you UNLESS one of the kids are in danger. This has worked for me...but I'm a slow learner - it took a few years of practice. Now, I don't act or react to anything my ex asks, demands, requires. I simply remind him he has no say in my life any longer - no requests and no demands. No action and no REACTION with him. It's ALL his now. His mess - his drama - his to deal with - HIS misery! I will NOT allow him to make his Sh-t mine! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) I would have said use the opportunity to get the whole truth and polygraph, but to be honest, based on your recent post, you are done. So my only advice would be not to war. Stand firm and tell her you are going to let the lawyers and mediators do the talking. Talk to your children alone, one on one. Get yourself situated for you and your boys. Focus on stability for them. Do not answer the phone, do not take visitors especially from the FIL.. Let it be done. Ride out this storm. Ps. I dont know how to link but if you search the name on the infidelity forum, the thread will come up under the title or Jack oneils name. Edited September 15, 2015 by 66Charger 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Stay strong my friend. You are making the right decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 She had this life... Perfect married wife Husband who adored her great Mother Wealth No need to work And you were her beard - her cover up. She was/is... The cheater Th party gal One who may need to find a job One who will loose "what others 'think' of her" - "think of her success" One who will try and stay on that high pedestal (at your cost) And so... You've danced this dance with her a long time. You stopped dancing. She wants to get you back into YOUR place that works best FOR HER. Don't dance! She will be spending a TON of energy trying to get you to dance with her again! She doesn't like that she's lost her cover/her beard. Her kids may actually see her for who she really is - no need for you to say one unkind word to them about her - they will learn as the years move along. My kids have seen for themselves in the past ten years and have made a conclusion based on their own experience with their Dad. While she spins and spins on her own she will find her own way. No need to "help her" she needs to learn as she goes along what life will look like as she dances alone/or finds another willing victim to play the role you vacated. Don't dance with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redbird Fly Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Ugh. I don't know about everyone else, but I just feel so sad "watching" all of this play out. BDT, your wife seems like she is in total melt-down. Not knowing anything but what you write, we can't tell whether she is manipulating or having a major personal crisis. But I honestly fear for her. Not saying that you should make a different decision. Just that it sounds like she needs some help. I can't recall if you've shared the ages of your children...but please do what you can to shelter them from this. It has the potential to be so damaging. You are doing the best you can. If there is any way possible, I would not tolerate this level of drama. To all who are "blowing you up", perhaps you can communicate to them that this is simply not their call and you will not communicate with them any further unless this is handled maturely. I would lay down some boundaries. You sound like the kind of person others will listen to. It just sounds like too much. I am just empathizing from a bunch of directions here...yours first in that you have just been victimized and gut-punched and are now dealing with a marriage shattered. And your wife too...she seems to be realizing what she's done and the consequences of her actions and it may all be too much for her to handle. What we do, everything has a consequence, good and bad. It is just very sad. I'm so sorry BDT. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Remember every time she calls or texts that before when she said she would do anything...she went to Vegas instead. I am so sorry for your pain and the pressure you are getting from other people. You have to live your life, they don't. Ignore her or you will get pulled into drama that you don't need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 All: I have a lot going on, but I am hanging tough. I will try to respond to everyone tomorrow . Redbird, do not be discouraged by my drama make your outcome that you want. I do know that my wife loves me, we are just at different places now and we can't go back. I have three children D19, S17 and S10. We will survive and I will always be there for them and they know this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 BIgdaddyt: very important: I have a fiend who's a pro therapist, I was telling him about your case he even read your thread ( most of it) base on his experience he really believes that your wife suffers from Borderline personality disorder. he has seen similar situation. she needs to be evaluated by pro immediately talk to your family doctor about it then have them recommend a pro that specialize on BPD. if she has BPD things will even get worst with her. she is the mother of your kids after all. read about BPD you will understand more about her behavior her is a link from national institute of health " BPD 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 BIgdaddyt: very important: I have a fiend who's a pro therapist, I was telling him about your case he even read your thread ( most of it) base on his experience he really believes that your wife suffers from Borderline personality disorder. he has seen similar situation. she needs to be evaluated by pro immediately talk to your family doctor about it then have them recommend a pro that specialize on BPD. if she has BPD things will even get worst with her. she is the mother of your kids after all. read about BPD you will understand more about her behavior her is a link from national institute of health " BPD Qubist, Your friend is probably right, I have recently suspected that she has issues. I am not heartless she is the mother of my children and I will make sure that she receives the care she needs . I am going forward with the D and I will make sure that I do so as kindly as is possible. She is currently hysterical and I will probably go home tonight because my children are begging me to. I am the Father and I must always put them first. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 BIgdaddyt: very important: I have a fiend who's a pro therapist, I was telling him about your case he even read your thread ( most of it) base on his experience he really believes that your wife suffers from Borderline personality disorder. he has seen similar situation. she needs to be evaluated by pro immediately talk to your family doctor about it then have them recommend a pro that specialize on BPD. if she has BPD things will even get worst with her. she is the mother of your kids after all. read about BPD you will understand more about her behavior her is a link from national institute of health " BPD Or more pertinent multiple personality disorder. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Qubist, Your friend is probably right, I have recently suspected that she has issues. I am not heartless she is the mother of my children and I will make sure that she receives the care she needs . I am going forward with the D and I will make sure that I do so as kindly as is possible. She is currently hysterical and I will probably go home tonight because my children are begging me to. I am the Father and I must always put them first. Going to her rewards her bad behavior. That should be a line you don't cross. Bring the kids to you. Bring them quickly. If she is unable to cope then consider taking her to the hospital to be mentally evaluated! This is the drama I warned you about! This IS her way of getting YOU to dance with her again. Bring the kids to you. Do not "go to her"! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Qubist, Your friend is probably right, I have recently suspected that she has issues. I am not heartless she is the mother of my children and I will make sure that she receives the care she needs . I am going forward with the D and I will make sure that I do so as kindly as is possible. She is currently hysterical and I will probably go home tonight because my children are begging me to. I am the Father and I must always put them first. My friend has been a professional therapist for the last 14 years and knows what he is talking about. I made him read your thread he promised me last week but was busy. he read it today and immediately called me. he is confident that she has BPD. do not disregard this. talk to your physician about it. she needs help badly D is the way to go, so stick to your guns, if you really have to go back home tonight be ready for drama. just explain to her that at this moment you are not able to talk about the 2 of you. tell her you are just a man a human being with emotions and that you need a break 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 So, Amanda is having some issues? It's not like we couldn't see THAT coming. I do agree that she should be tested, and treated for BPD, or any other issues she may have. I think her biggest issue is the "me first" syndrome. Her needs and feeling come first. Since she is now losing something, she is throwing a fit and making it all about HER again, even if she is SAYING that it's all for you. You see? She is turning this around to try and make you feel bad about HER. It never was about you. It's always about her. "I'm putting myself on the line for you. I'm going to Vegas to make me a better wife for YOU!" It's all about her. Go read the story by VeryBrokenMan. In his instance, he eventually found out that his wife has a degenerative issue that caused all of what she did. Your wife may very well have a mental disorder (or perhaps even physical) that is making her act this way. Don't rule out that possibility. But, even if the affairs were due to some mental or physical issues, you still are within your rights to walk away from the marriage. Take care of the kids and get them away from their mom if she is unstable right now. I'm not sure that going back home is the right way to handle this though. There will be lots of crying and begging and the kids will see this. It will make them feel like you are HURTING their mother. They will ask why you are so mean to her. It's best not to be in that situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I agree with TX. Get the kids away from her. They don't need to see what drama she's creating. Do not go to the house! She could get violent. Pick the kids up a block away and bring them to you. Make sure they feel safe and have a quiet few days away from Mom while she decompresses. You may need to get her evaluated ASAP, if needed send for an ambulance to take her to a psych ward. I'm not sure you should be in any building with her - she could harm you or worse. Going to her is not a good plan. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 So, Amanda is having some issues? It's not like we couldn't see THAT coming. I do agree that she should be tested, and treated for BPD, or any other issues she may have. I think her biggest issue is the "me first" syndrome. Her needs and feeling come first. Since she is now losing something, she is throwing a fit and making it all about HER again, even if she is SAYING that it's all for you. You see? She is turning this around to try and make you feel bad about HER. It never was about you. It's always about her. "I'm putting myself on the line for you. I'm going to Vegas to make me a better wife for YOU!" It's all about her. Go read the story by VeryBrokenMan. In his instance, he eventually found out that his wife has a degenerative issue that caused all of what she did. Your wife may very well have a mental disorder (or perhaps even physical) that is making her act this way. Don't rule out that possibility. But, even if the affairs were due to some mental or physical issues, you still are within your rights to walk away from the marriage. Take care of the kids and get them away from their mom if she is unstable right now. I'm not sure that going back home is the right way to handle this though. There will be lots of crying and begging and the kids will see this. It will make them feel like you are HURTING their mother. They will ask why you are so mean to her. It's best not to be in that situation. All: I just hate drama, I will take care of the kids and remove them if necessary, I will speak to my in laws as well. S2B I won't dance with her or for her. Remember I quit dancing some time ago. This just sucks but I am strong and I promised myself not to drink until this is over. Qubist, I don't know too much about BPD but will read up. I have read VBM thread and will reevaluate if she is diagnosed with an illness or condition .ugh Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) By showing up at the house - you ARE dancing with her. You are reacting to the drama she's creating. And also, it's risky if she's angry and fearful - she could be very unpredictable and volatile. Have the kids come over to your place or even go to a hotel for a few days if needed. But do not walk into the house where she is - anything could happen. Especially since there seems to be evidence that she has more than one personality. Once you participate - the drama will escalate...and you may not get away unharmed. Edited September 15, 2015 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
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