Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

please go ahead and do that immediately. I read about it too it is manageable in most cases but net yet treatable. with medication she can be under control.

Just wondering how your teenage kids handling this D19 ans S17 are old enough to understand the situation. I hope they are not blaming you for any of this. that must be hard on them too

 

Qubist, I will make sure that she receives the best care possible, but my question to the physician would be did she know what she was doing? Does she know right from wrong. Will this happen again?

[Bigdaddyt]

does the d19 s17 know about what their mom is doing? moms affair?

 

do they have information? about jill & the om?

 

cause i doubt kids would support WW in what she is doing.

 

it would be 3 voices to go against WW.

 

what do the kids even think about this?

and there not kids anymore there adults. they may or should somehow have a voice in this?

 

MSnow, I still look at my older two as children, eventhough they are not. I am certain that they know a lot of the facts but I will not destroy their view of their mother. Maybe in the future I will change my view. They are all upset with her and are blaming her for our families breakup. Wife is severely suffering from this, which is self inflicted.

[Bigdaddyt]

This is probaly the best that can be made of a bad situation. I will close my thoughts on this thread by sincerely wishing you and your family well. Which does include your STBX.

 

66, Thankyou for your support. I will make the best of this situation and still stay true to my new self.

[qubist]

BigdaddyT:

as long as your kids are not putting any blame on you you should be fine, I also hope this isn't affecting them in school and life.

what's the plan of action now after you moved back and she is with her parents. how long will that last?

[Bigdaddyt]

BigdaddyT:

as long as your kids are not putting any blame on you you should be fine, I also hope this isn't affecting them in school and life.

what's the plan of action now after you moved back and she is with her parents. how long will that last?

 

Qubist, the kids don't blame me , I have always been very supportive and affectionate with them , they love both of us, but they know that this is on her. My plan is to take charge of this mess and put my children's lives back together. I am back in my house and the wife is out with her parents. D has been filed and she has been served. I asked the attorney for a separation agreement that keeps me in the house and as residential parent.

I will care for my wife as a loving husband would; however I don't know where this will take us. When I started this thread I thought that I was the broken one, only to realize that I wasn't my wife was. It would be easy to destroy her, but it is not my nature. I will continue to D but keep the door open for R if she is truly I'll.

With this post I think my journey here is done, I will update from time to time, but want to thank my friends here for making this journey with me. I will post on other threads to support the other BS and WS to find their way. BDT God Bless!

[m.snow]

MSnow, I still look at my older two as children, eventhough they are not. I am certain that they know a lot of the facts but I will not destroy their view of their mother. Maybe in the future I will change my view. They are all upset with her and are blaming her for our families breakup. Wife is severely suffering from this, which is self inflicted.

 

listen to yourself for a moment.

place yourself in their shoes.

 

look one day your wife receives divorces papers.

your Adult daughter & son, two of them. who are very capable of handling the situation.

don't even know why your divorcing your wife?

 

if they dont know why your divorcing their mom.

who doing you think looks bad? you or your WW?

 

anyway godbless! and good luck!

your a good & reasonable father. you got this!

[qubist]

Qubist, the kids don't blame me , I have always been very supportive and affectionate with them , they love both of us, but they know that this is on her. My plan is to take charge of this mess and put my children's lives back together. I am back in my house and the wife is out with her parents. D has been filed and she has been served. I asked the attorney for a separation agreement that keeps me in the house and as residential parent.

I will care for my wife as a loving husband would; however I don't know where this will take us. When I started this thread I thought that I was the broken one, only to realize that I wasn't my wife was. It would be easy to destroy her, but it is not my nature. I will continue to D but keep the door open for R if she is truly I'll.

With this post I think my journey here is done, I will update from time to time, but want to thank my friends here for making this journey with me. I will post on other threads to support the other BS and WS to find their way. BDT God Bless!

You were never broken, I told you that a month ago in this thread, you were just exhausted and stressed out. great plan go on with D and help get the help she needs. I'm glad you are keeping all options open that shows that you are at a strong position. good luck

[aliveagain]

My wife has also said in anger that when she completes college things are going to change. She also has told me that she would never keep the children from me if we divorce. Some days are great others make me wonder. I am venting here and wondering if there is something to all of this smoke

 

BDT, you wrote this about 3 weeks ago and I am still trying to understand her reason for saying this to you. Was it to flex her muscles and test her hold on you because you were starting to question her actions? Her actions today are so far off this mark, it obviously was all bluff and just shows her inability to be able to deal with you on this issue. If she has been in independent counselling for some time how good can her counsellor be if these are her reactions?

[m.snow]

Funny post need no reply,

 

Cant believe wife cheated on "Magic Mike!" Goes to show cheating can happen to anyone.

 

Clearly there was no problem on the intimacy part. With Husband doing his thing with wife

 

Hard Working Dad by Day & Exclusive Magic Mike by Night.

 

A lot of bases covered but still cheated.

[S2B]

I'm sure this is hard and a painful situation all the way around.

 

Stay strong and keep moving forward.

 

Glad you're taking care of the kids, back in the house - and glad she's going to be evaluated.

 

 

Keep posting... We will support you and you've been doing so great with a terrible situation.

 

All the best to you.

[World's.Edge]

things seem to fall into perspective now.

 

wait about that casino thing. you mentioned awhile back she let you watch the kids while she went to the casino.

going to a casino when your kids are young 9,7&5 is a whole lot different than going to a casino when your kids are all grown up 19,17 & 10

(you should have sent the 19yo to watch her mom).

 

your kids are pretty grown up, aren't they telling their mom about what she is doing?

 

the FIL is missing a few cogs there. what was he talking about sacrifice again? you got a 19yo and 17yo. that's enough sacrifice if you dont mind me, thank you! FIL your argument is invalid.

 

I dont see a problem with a divorce. but Im glad your not totally leaving WW in the dust. your a good man good luck.

He should have sent his nineteen year old daughter to babysit his wife in Vegas? Sorry but how would this have been a good idea?

[m.snow]

He should have sent his nineteen year old daughter to babysit his wife in Vegas? Sorry but how would this have been a good idea?

 

uh moms of certain age? be there for her mom? it was a birthday celebration? vacation? accommodations? it was a girls trip right? keeping an eye on WW just a secondary thing.

 

even mom should have invited DD, if DD wasnt busy of course.

 

 

-Since your WW birthday is close aren't you going to celebrate somehow?

or the mood will be no celebrations?

[turnera]

My oldest called me but my little one was upset, so there was never a choice for me. I don't think wife had any hand in the children calling me they just reacted to the events.

Wait.

 

Are you telling me that you're letting her do WHATEVER SHE WANTS simply because your child was upset?

 

YOU are the adult. YOU have the job to ensure your kids live in a STABLE, HEALTHY environment.

 

An 'intact' environment does NOT = healthy environment.

[turnera]

MSnow, I still look at my older two as children, eventhough they are not. I am certain that they know a lot of the facts but I will not destroy their view of their mother. Maybe in the future I will change my view. They are all upset with her and are blaming her for our families breakup. Wife is severely suffering from this, which is self inflicted.

GOOD.

 

 

That is how she will learn to grow up.

[OldRover]

GOOD.

 

 

That is how she will learn to grow up.

 

I'm hoping you mean this as a learning experience for her. I don't like anyone to suffer, but there has to be a learning experience and some changing of actions to make a difference. Who knows, perhaps she has learned and will change permanently and things will work out. You never know.

[turnera]

We learn more from negative consequences even than positive ones. It's well understood that if you grow up getting everything you want, or everything without having to work for it, once you hit adulthood, you're at a severe disadvantage.

[S2B]

We learn more from negative consequences even than positive ones. It's well understood that if you grow up getting everything you want, or everything without having to work for it, once you hit adulthood, you're at a severe disadvantage.

 

That's true.

 

People usually do not change unless they are VERY uncomfortable.

 

Being comfortable means they have no motivation to change anything.

 

 

If she's scared = good. That means she MAY be considering adjusting her entitled attitude towards you.

[qubist]

That's true.

 

People usually do not change unless they are VERY uncomfortable.

 

Being comfortable means they have no motivation to change anything.

 

 

If she's scared = good. That means she MAY be considering adjusting her entitled attitude towards you.

 

It's true that when comfortable people do not push harder to change anything. Just everyone defines its comfort zone differently. People that lack discipline or have some other psychological flaws struggle more to force a change. I think in this case the OP's wife lacks descipline and have flaws she was realizing all the wrongdoings but yet failed to motivate herself to do anything about it. I don't want sound like I'm bashing the OP because I really respect and admire bigdaddyT, but he allowed her to act like this all these year.,In a way he spoiled her too much till he couldn't handle it. Now he forced her to realize the comfort zone has shrunken.

[Bigdaddyt]

It's true that when comfortable people do not push harder to change anything. Just everyone defines its comfort zone differently. People that lack discipline or have some other psychological flaws struggle more to force a change. I think in this case the OP's wife lacks descipline and have flaws she was realizing all the wrongdoings but yet failed to motivate herself to do anything about it. I don't want sound like I'm bashing the OP because I really respect and admire bigdaddyT, but he allowed her to act like this all these year.,In a way he spoiled her too much till he couldn't handle it. Now he forced her to realize the comfort zone has shrunken.

 

Qubist, I fully agree that I allowed this to happen. I was afraid to loose my wife and made the mistake of not confronting her bad behavior and this allowed it to become worse until I am where I am now.

[Bigdaddyt]

That's true.

 

People usually do not change unless they are VERY uncomfortable.

 

Being comfortable means they have no motivation to change anything.

 

 

If she's scared = good. That means she MAY be considering adjusting her entitled attitude towards you.

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]All: Lessonslearned the hard way. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Rule 1: Ifyou suspect that your spouse is cheating on you, you are probably right. Yourbrain is like a super computer and you pick up and record all sensoryinformation whether you realize it at the time or not. Things that I learnedwhen you first suspect infidelity say nothing. Do a complete investigationgather evidence, document, come on LS and start to put together your evidencewith this experienced forums help. Use a key logger and a VAR, if you canafford a PI it is money well spent. If you can’t afford a PI, rely on closefriends and family to be your eyes and ears. I did not do this at first andsuffered as a result, lesson learned.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Rule 2:You must expose an affair to the world,THIS IS A MUST!!!!!! It forces your WS out of fantasyland and exposestheir affair for what it truly is a cheap, torrid, selfish act. This is theultimate sign of disrespect towards the BS and your family. This cannot betolerated in any fashion.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Rule 3: Inorder to save a marriage from infidelity you must be willing to walk away andmove on with your life. It was only after I made this decision did my WW wantme back. Never be seen as weak or needy. Live and die by the 180. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Rule 4:There must be consequences for this betrayal. I am not saying to divorce orabusing your WS but they must know the full extent of your pain and loss oftrust. If your WS is truly remorseful and is asking you for the gift ofreconciliation that is your choice alone to give. It must be earned. If thewayward spouse is not remorseful then divorce and never look back on yourdecision.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Rule 5: Bestrong, better yourself, join a gym workout, take care of yourself, don’t drinkor allow yourself to get depressed. Live your life to the fullest with orwithout your spouse. You did nothing wrong and are in no way responsible forthe affair. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]These are some thoughts that I came up with by being a weakBS, I started out afraid and extremely hurt to being angry, then indifferent tothe pain. The 180 helped me along with this forum to piece this all togetherand become strong. Now reconciliation will be my choice if I choose it not myWW/STBXW. I am sure that the veterans may have more detailed information butthese points worked for me not at first, but after I got my strength back. BDT [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[qubist]

Qubist, I fully agree that I allowed this to happen. I was afraid to loose my wife and made the mistake of not confronting her bad behavior and this allowed it to become worse until I am where I am now.

 

BigdaddyT: first of all it's good to hear from you I hope you and your family are " riding the storm" well. What happened in the past can't be changed unless you create a time machine and go back in time. Focus on what you can do now for the future of your family.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: Lessons learned the hard way.

Rule 1: If you suspect that your spouse is cheating on you, you are probably right. Your brain is like a super computer and you pick up and record all sensory information whether you realize it at the time or not. Things that I learned when you first suspect infidelity say nothing. Do a complete investigation gather evidence, document, come on LS and start to put together your evidencewith this experienced forums help. Use a key logger and a VAR, if you canafford a PI it is money well spent. If you can’t afford a PI, rely on close friends and family to be your eyes and ears. I did not do this at first andsuffered as a result, lesson learned

 

Rule 2:You must expose an affair to the world,THIS IS A MUST!!!!!! It forces your WS out of fantasyland and exposes their affair for what it truly is a cheap, torrid, selfish act. This is the ultimate sign of disrespect towards the BS and your family. This cannot betolerated in any fashion

 

Rule 3: In order to save a marriage from infidelity you must be willing to walk away and move on with your life. It was only after I made this decision did my WW want me back. Never be seen as weak or needy. Live and die by the 180.

 

Rule 4:There must be consequences for this betrayal. I am not saying to divorce orabusing your WS but they must know the full extent of your pain and loss oftrust. If your WS is truly remorseful and is asking you for the gift ofreconciliation that is your choice alone to give. It must be earned. If thewayward spouse is not remorseful then divorce and never look back on yourdecision

 

Rule 5: Be strong, better yourself, join a gym workout, take care of yourself, don’t drinkor allow yourself to get depressed. Live your life to the fullest with or without your spouse. You did nothing wrong and are in no way responsible forthe affair.

 

These are some thoughts that I came up with by being a weak BS, I started out afraid and extremely hurt to being angry, then indifferent to the pain. The 180 helped me along with this forum to piece this all together and become strong. Now reconciliation will be my choice if I choose it not my WW/STBXW. I am sure that the veterans may have more detailed information but these points worked for me not at first, but after I got my strength back. BDT

Edited September 22, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[Clay]

Sadly it takes being burned and scared for life to really learn these lessons. The next part of your life will be learning how to deal with the fall out from all of this.

 

I hope things are going ok for you.

 

 

C

[Bigdaddyt]

Sadly it takes being burned and scared for life to really learn these lessons. The next part of your life will be learning how to deal with the fall out from all of this.

 

I hope things are going ok for you.

 

 

C

Clay, I am doing well and focusing on the important things in life, my children, family and close friends. My WW is begging me to R, we are still living apart and I have advised her that in a month lets see how she feels about R. I also have alot of scars like you the ones on the inside are always the ugliest and take the longest to heal.

[Clay]

I am glad your taking care of yourself. Keep your family close. I really don't see how you would ever be able to work things out with your wife but it doesn't mean I can't have hope for you. I know what its like to have your world crushed and your kids worlds fall apart while you sit aside feeling helpless.

 

Take your time and focus on them. Who knows in time you might be able to work something out but if not try to maintain some kind of a good co parenting arrangement if at all possible.

 

I know its hard but in time your kids are going to see that if they go through something like this they will need to be smart and protect themselves as well.

 

It will get better in time. I personally would continue your course with the divorce even if you choose to reconcile. Maybe this in itself could stand as a consequence.

 

C