Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[turnera]

I'm sorry we brought all this up, BD. But, as you say, it has to be dealt with. I'm SO glad you're going to get professional help. Get it as frequently as you can. I found that if I had regular appointments no more than one or two weeks apart, it helped me focus on it and stay strong and actually do the work needed to repair myself. If the appointments are further apart than that, I got 'lazy' and found ways not to deal with things.

 

In the meantime, I have a suggestion for you. I want to suggest that a side effect of your childhood abuse is that you likely have toxic shame. What you describe about not being able to go eat in a restaurant by yourself...toxic shame. Often a result of abuse or neglect. There's an awesome book you can read, people on MY forum kept trying to get me to read it for years and when I finally did, it was like oh my god why did I never know this about myself! It explains SO much. It leads to codependency and a whole host of things.

 

I remember once I decided to take some clothes to a resale shop. I drove around it 3 times before I finally got the courage to go in and have her 'assess' whether she wanted to sell my stuff. I finally braved myself and went in and, as I suspected, she looked down her nose at my not nice enough clothes, took only two pieces out of 20 to resell. I was SO ashamed (of myself!) that I never could get the courage to go back in there to pick up the money she owed me for selling my two items. That's my 'staying in my hotel room and ordering room service.' Sound familiar? That's why you have no friends. That's why you do nothing else. You're waiting for everyone to figure out you're not worth having as a friend, you expect people to reject you. Of course it's not TRUE, but the toxic shame has made you believe it.

 

Here's a video about it from the author:

 

Here's a link to the book: Healing the Shame that Binds You by John E. Bradshaw | 9780757399435 | NOOK Book (eBook) | Barnes & Noble

 

Here's a PDF; don't know if it's the full book: http://www.creativegrowth.com/bradshaw_shame%201.pdf

 

Anyway, I hope you find peace, BD. You deserve it.

[aliveagain]

Friend, do what you need to do for you to be healthy. Do what you need to do for your family and what you want in the way of a relationship with your wife. BDT, this is your life, strangers on a post can point things out that you may have missed but they are not in your shoes so only listen to things that help you achieve your goal. We the strangers helped you to get you to this point but now the tough decisions that only you and your wife can make need to be made, we now become just noise. Do what is best for you, your children, your family, you have the rest of your life to get it right.

[turnera]

But please let me ask a favor. Please do come back every once in a while and let us know what's going on, ok? We care about you!

[m.snow]

BIG-Daddy-T

 

Again in all of these please do take care of yourself.

Get sometime to yourself and have a session with those counselors.

 

Carrying the Weight of the Whole World on your shoulders is a tough burden to bear.

 

you are really big daddyT but even giants sometimes need a rest!

 

Don't burn yourself out. Schedule some days that you can get away from all of this.

[qubist]

BTD, I'm so sorry I really am. I know a lot about PTSD, my closest friend suffered from it after returning from Afghanistan. I'm volunteering to help veterans suffering from post war PTSD I know it's different than yours but I know enough to tell you that's controllable now I see their struggle and the hardest obstacle is believe it or not trusting the therapy and the process of healing because they think life is passing by while stuck on thier depression. BDT I understand that your situation is not ideal and you want to do something about it but believe me you have to take a break from this and take care of yourself. You either have to run away from it all and disappear till you are ok or put everything on hold and continue your life as normal as possible and get treated for your depression. I suggest you do the later because disappearing will affect your kids too. Your therapist will help you get back on your feet then you can fix what you need to fix in your life.

[farsidejunky]

BDT:

I am late to this, but have been reading your thread from start to finish over the last 24 hours.

 

First, she is incredibly psychologically damaged, and will likely need years of therapy just to function as a normal, single adult, let alone a loyal partner. You need to ask her psychiatrist for a blunt prognosis on her ability to be a partner to you. I suspect what he will tell you will be a a general inability to be stable enough for that type of relationship.

 

Second, you are a severe KISA, or knight in shining armor. I knew as soon as BPD entered the picture, your resolve to divorce would drop tremendously. You cannot save her. You can't save a normal person; only they can. A BPD'er likely cannot even do that. I understand the urge to save. I have a nasty but of it myself.

 

A good analogy of this situation is comparing it to a drowning person. Very frequently, when a person is drowning, the other person that tries to save them ends up drowning themself by being dragged under by the very person they are trying to save.

 

Finish the divorce.

 

Get custody of your kids.

 

Your WW is now her parents responsibility.

 

Get into IC to address your traumatic past and your unhealthy need to save people.

 

Follow Turnera's advice and heal for a year before getting on the dating market again.

 

You are NOT a less honorable person for taking this path. Praying for you, brother.

[Civil]

I am so sorry. My mother/your father. I was 6 months old, dissociative by the time I was 8. It was extreme and yet I was able to suppress for decades. And I have a kid who's a PsyD. The trigger for me was laughably benign compared to what you're going through, but everything from my past lined up and started to spin. I'd always, always, coped so very well, but I could not deal with this. I have a big, supportive immediate family, but they could not help. I was referred, diagnosed with PTSD and started CBT within a week. The work was hard, but there was real, lasting relief from the start. I did about 10 weeks, one visit/wk, and one hour homework/day.Eight years later, I sometimes go years without seeing my therapist and when I do, it's for "new business".

 

You're doing the right things and you're way ahead of the curve. Human memory operates in some pretty brutal ways, but nothing in your past diminishes who you are now.

[Bigdaddyt]

I am an adult,childhood sexual abuse survivor. I said it; it has taken my WWs infidelity to push me over the edge and bring this up; that which I had hoped would stay buried forever. I guess a lot of readers probably figured it out ahead of time, but it is what it is. Donot judge me; I have hated myself for years because of this. I was very young and did not want this to happen and I could not prevent it, I was alone with no one to protect me. I will not go into detail. I have tried to suppress this and never allow it out, but my pending divorce, wife illness and family upset caused me to have a meltdown and it just showed its ugly head. I have never told anyone because of the stigma attached to this. People believe that if you are abused you become an abuser;much like being bitten by a werewolf you become one. That is not the case with me; I am a good and moral person, just a little F__ked up, or maybe a lot.

 

I went to a counselor that specializes in this and I was too ashamed to tell her face to face, so I took Turnera’s advice and wrote it down on paper and handed it to her ahead of our scheduled appointment, even then I almost didn’t give it to her. This has affected me so much over the years thatI know it was part of my marriage’s failure. After my session with my counselor,I was physically ill and throwing up. The counselor told me that I need to tellmy wife about this and we can do it during a joint session. I told her that wasnot going to happen and that I am never going to tell anyone else about this. Isat in my car until I got myself together and went home. I checked myself outin the mirror before I went in to my house to face the WW and Family. I thought that I looked and was acting normal. The first words from my WW were: “What is wrong?” I told her nothing, that I am just upset about are life and how everything has turned out. She didn’t believe me and told the boys to go outside and play basketball. She was truly concerned for me and was her oldself. She pressed me for an answer, I said that I wasn’t feeling well and wasgoing to bed early; which was the truth.

I woke up an hour or so later and my WW was sitting on thebed looking at me with the lights on, she was holding my hand. She told me thatI was screaming and talking in my sleep and that she is afraid for me. I liedagain and told her that it was just from all of the stress of everything thatis hitting me at once. I am not a very good liar. She has been very clingy and would not leave me alone. She knows me well enough to know that something is seriously wrong. She is coming to my work to check on me and has called my brothers and sisters to talk to them about meand seek advice.

 

How this has this affected me? I suffer from PTSD from my abuse and will not tolerate any man to threaten or place their hands on me. I have trained my body over the years and I am extremely strong, weight training and martial arts, so no one can harm me. I have always needed to be in a relationship with a woman (cling to women); I cannot stand to be alone. I have always gone from one relationship to another; some of my relationships were not healthy ones, I was involved with a much older woman (40s) in my late teens. I do not have a lot of men friends the ones that I do have we are very close.

 

My Wife made me feel safe and now her infidelity has taken my safe place away from me. I do not sleep very well and I wake up a lot at night and when I travel I always leave the TV on. I trigger when I watch certain TV shows and I have to walk out ofthe room. I cannot watch them (toxic shame). I cannot eat by myself in arestaurant, when I am traveling I always get room service.

 

I am crazy protective of my children and I never let them out of my sight and I never allowed anyone to watch them, but my wife’s mother or my sisters. This caused us marital issues with us not going out as often as we should have. When my children go out with their friends, Iwould go out and check on them and have find my phone on their phones to track them. I was at a Cub Scout event with my middle son years ago when one of theother kid’s fathers yelled at my son and grabbed him for roughhousing prior tothe meeting; I snapped and grabbed him by the throat. He was terrified, he apologized for grabbing my son, but the other fathers never looked at me thesame again. They were all Doctors, Lawyers and executives and this type ofreaction is out of the norm for them.

I left the Catholic Church during the asexual abuse scandal,I just couldn’t bear to be around this, I never told my wife the reason why.( noneof my abusers were priests) This caused us significant marital problems for us,in that my Wife loved the Catholic Church being a good Catholic girl.

 

What does this have to do with infidelity? My Mothers motherwas a cheater and left my Mother and her Brother and my Grandfather and gotpregnant by a POSOM that I knew as my (step) Grandfather. My Mother and Uncle were abandoned by Grandmother for several years before she came back and gotthem. This damaged my Mother so much that she was unable to function in thereal world and herself became a victim of many POSOM’s, one of which was my primary abuser.

 

I guess I don’t know how to move forward from this, my past has got me again and I can’t bear to have it brought to the forefront and Idon’t want people to know about it or think badly of me. I have worked so hard to get where I am at today. My counselor said that she is not a strong supporter of LS for emotional support and advice,but advised me that since I am already on here that it may help me to post itso that I will be better able to discuss this in front of other people,including my wife. I posted it here because I feel safe enough to say it now from the cover anonymity. My question to this forum is do you think that I truly need to tell this to my Wife about this? She does know about my abusephysical and mental, but not in detail. I would like to keep it secret and work with my counselor in private. BDT

Edited October 2, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[m.snow]

(((((((BDT))))))

 

again take care of your self.

learn relaxation techniques!

 

meditate. do deep breathing exercises!

 

and communicate with whom you need to communicate.

to release that stress.

 

go out side get some sunshine!

[qubist]

I am an adult,childhood sexual abuse survivor. I said it; it has taken my WWs infidelity to push me over the edge and bring this up; that which I had hoped would stay buried forever. I guess a lot of readers probably figured it out ahead of time, but it is what it is. Donot judge me; I have hated myself for years because of this. I was very young and did not want this to happen and I could not prevent it, I was alone with no one to protect me. I will not go into detail. I have tried to suppress this and never allow it out, but my pending divorce, wife illness and family upset caused me to have a meltdown and it just showed its ugly head. I have never told anyone because of the stigma attached to this. People believe that if you are abused you become an abuser;much like being bitten by a werewolf you become one. That is not the case with me; I am a good and moral person, just a little F__ked up, or maybe a lot.

 

I went to a counselor that specializes in this and I was too ashamed to tell her face to face, so I took Turnera’s advice and wrote it down on paper and handed it to her ahead of our scheduled appointment, even then I almost didn’t give it to her. This has affected me so much over the years thatI know it was part of my marriage’s failure. After my session with my counselor,I was physically ill and throwing up. The counselor told me that I need to tellmy wife about this and we can do it during a joint session. I told her that wasnot going to happen and that I am never going to tell anyone else about this. Isat in my car until I got myself together and went home. I checked myself outin the mirror before I went in to my house to face the WW and Family. I thought that I looked and was acting normal. The first words from my WW were: “What is wrong?” I told her nothing, that I am just upset about are life and how everything has turned out. She didn’t believe me and told the boys to go outside and play basketball. She was truly concerned for me and was her oldself. She pressed me for an answer, I said that I wasn’t feeling well and wasgoing to bed early; which was the truth.

I woke up an hour or so later and my WW was sitting on thebed looking at me with the lights on, she was holding my hand. She told me thatI was screaming and talking in my sleep and that she is afraid for me. I liedagain and told her that it was just from all of the stress of everything thatis hitting me at once. I am not a very good liar. She has been very clingy and would not leave me alone. She knows me well enough to know that something is seriously wrong. She is coming to my work to check on me and has called my brothers and sisters to talk to them about meand seek advice.

 

How this has this affected me? I suffer from PTSD from my abuse and will not tolerate any man to threaten or place their hands on me. I have trained my body over the years and I am extremely strong, weight training and martial arts, so no one can harm me. I have always needed to be in a relationship with a woman (cling to women); I cannot stand to be alone. I have always gone from one relationship to another; some of my relationships were not healthy ones, I was involved with a much older woman (40s) in my late teens. I do not have a lot of men friends the ones that I do have we are very close.

 

My Wife made me feel safe and now her infidelity has taken my safe place away from me. I do not sleep very well and I wake up a lot at night and when I travel I always leave the TV on. I trigger when I watch certain TV shows and I have to walk out ofthe room. I cannot watch them (toxic shame). I cannot eat by myself in arestaurant, when I am traveling I always get room service.

 

I am crazy protective of my children and I never let them out of my sight and I never allowed anyone to watch them, but my wife’s mother or my sisters. This caused us marital issues with us not going out as often as we should have. When my children go out with their friends, Iwould go out and check on them and have find my phone on their phones to track them. I was at a Cub Scout event with my middle son years ago when one of theother kid’s fathers yelled at my son and grabbed him for roughhousing prior tothe meeting; I snapped and grabbed him by the throat. He was terrified, he apologized for grabbing my son, but the other fathers never looked at me thesame again. They were all Doctors, Lawyers and executives and this type ofreaction is out of the norm for them.

I left the Catholic Church during the asexual abuse scandal,I just couldn’t bear to be around this, I never told my wife the reason why.( noneof my abusers were priests) This caused us significant marital problems for us,in that my Wife loved the Catholic Church being a good Catholic girl.

 

What does this have to do with infidelity? My Mothers motherwas a cheater and left my Mother and her Brother and my Grandfather and gotpregnant by a POSOM that I knew as my (step) Grandfather. My Mother and Uncle were abandoned by Grandmother for several years before she came back and gotthem. This damaged my Mother so much that she was unable to function in thereal world and herself became a victim of many POSOM’s, one of which was my primary abuser.

 

I guess I don’t know how to move forward from this, my past has got me again and I can’t bear to have it brought to the forefront and Idon’t want people to know about it or think badly of me. I have worked so hard to get where I am at today. My counselor said that she is not a strong supporter of LS for emotional support and advice,but advised me that since I am already on here that it may help me to post itso that I will be better able to discuss this in front of other people,including my wife. I posted it here because I feel safe enough to say it now from the cover anonymity. My question to this forum is do you think that I truly need to tell this to my Wife about this? She does know about my abusephysical and mental, but not in detail. I would like to keep it secret and work with my counselor in private. BDT

BDT: I so sorry you are at this state. I have dealt with people with severe PTSD and I think your therapist is right you need 1 thing in your life at this moment more than anything else, stability . I believe telling your wife about your past will take a huge burden of your shoulder and help give you the much needed stability. You feel embarrassment about it but you really shouldn't. The hardest thing about people with PTSD is getting them to trust their therapist especially at the beginning but once they start they feel better, you too my friend you will feel better. You must forget everything that's bothered you now including your wife's issues and focus on you

[m.snow]

My question to this forum is do you think that I truly need to tell this to my Wife about this? She does know about my abusephysical and mental, but not in detail. I would like to keep it secret and work with my counselor in private. BDT

 

it is a difficult question, but i'd think i would follow the counselor's advice.

hopefuly the counselor is aware of the marital wows. and the difficulty of telling wife.

 

but quibist is right.

for now focus on you! the other things can wait.

[aliveagain]

When all this happened you were a child, a child who couldn't defend himself against an adult. No one here blames you for the abuse you suffered. You are all grown, you can do something about the things that happened to you and possibly some of your siblings. Getting the professional help you need is the right thing to do. I think that when you are strong enough you need to share this information with your spouse, assuming you decide to reconcile. This information is too big to keep buried and absolutely needs to be dealt with because it will fu*k up your life. Stay strong, none of this was your fault. Any fool stupid enough to lay any blame on you deserves the a$$ kicking he gets( by the way, any doctor, lawyer or whoever that is stupid enough to touch my kids will have time to think about their actions while recovering from a hospital bed).

[Bigdaddyt]

I am terrified to tell my Wife, it would kill me if she was disgusted by me or she told my In Laws or God forbid my Children.

[qubist]

I am terrified to tell my Wife, it would kill me if she was disgusted by me or she told my In Laws or God forbid my Children.

don't be, I don't know how to convince you, but the embarrassment is just in your head, you feel like you are going to let your family down you feel like you are setting yourself aside from the life of your loved ones. IT IS JUST IN YOUR HEAD.

[aliveagain]

I am terrified to tell my Wife, it would kill me if she was disgusted by me or she told my In Laws or God forbid my Children.

 

My guess is it will explain a lot of things to her and will probably bring the two of you closer. I think it will give her the cause she needs to be your wife if that is what you want. It can't make things worse then they have been because you both had secrets, marriages with secrets rarely survive.

[Bigdaddyt]

don't be, I don't know how to convince you, but the embarrassment is just in your head, you feel like you are going to let your family down you feel like you are setting yourself aside from the life of your loved ones. IT IS JUST IN YOUR HEAD.

 

Qubist, After all these years past this, it now seems like yesterday . I am at fault for not fixing this and not telling my wife before we married. She probably would not have married me. I would be opposed to my children getting involved with someone with a similar past.

[Bigdaddyt]

My guess is it will explain a lot of things to her and will probably bring the two of you closer. I think it will give her the cause she needs to be your wife if that is what you want. It can't make things worse then they have been because you both had secrets, marriages with secrets rarely survive.

 

Alive, I know this is the truth, I will probably tell her about this at some point , I will have to work my way up to this. I am a functioning shell, I am getting my work done but not up to my normal standard.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I know this is the truth, I will probably tell her about this at some point , I will have to work my way up to this. I am a functioning shell, I am getting my work done but not up to my normal standard.

 

I am also afraid that if we do divorce, this will give her ammo to use against me for child custody.

[qubist]

Qubist, After all these years past this, it now seems like yesterday . I am at fault for not fixing this and not telling my wife before we married. She probably would not have married me. I would be opposed to my children getting involved with someone with a similar past.

it would have been better had you worked on yourself before getting married but you were never at fault, you didn't know any better you needed a relationship and at that time your wife was an ideal choice. you need to get this out of your mind, I wish I can drive to your house pick both of you up and take you both to the therapist today. your therapist will explain to her do not worry about it. believe me the second you let it all out you would be like WTF I'm relieved. you also find out how much she really loves you. if she does she would help you

[aliveagain]

I am terrified to tell my Wife, it would kill me if she was disgusted by me or she told my In Laws or God forbid my Children.

 

This is why it is important you decide if it is divorce or reconciliation that you want because your marriage didn't have the truth it needed to survive. If you choose the marriage then being vulnerable to the one you love is part of that, but you need to be able to trust that person with the knowledge.

[Bigdaddyt]

it would have been better had you worked on yourself before getting married but you were never at fault, you didn't know any better you needed a relationship and at that time your wife was an ideal choice. you need to get this out of your mind, I wish I can drive to your house pick both of you up and take you both to the therapist today. your therapist will explain to her do not worry about it. believe me the second you let it all out you would be like WTF I'm relieved. you also find out how much she really loves you. if she does she would help you

 

Qubist, I already feel like a anchor has been taken off of my chest by posting this here and telling my therapist. I have been crying on and off for several days and I am trying to come to terms with this. My Mother actually called me this morning after I posted this morning . I am a dutiful son but I do not respect her at all and never let her watch my children. She has tried to make up for the past, but the damage is too great.

[Bigdaddyt]

This is why it is important you decide if it is divorce or reconciliation that you want because your marriage didn't have the truth it needed to survive. If you choose the marriage then being vulnerable to the one you love is part of that, but you need to be able to trust that person with the knowledge.

 

Alive, My wife's reaction to my secret will be my deciding factor. Right now she is being the model wife and friend to me. I pray it lasts.

[66Charger]

BDT, I share a similar past. While it was not me, I witnessed it and put a stop to it at the age of 15. I still remember the silent scream. The fear. Like you, I trained myself to protect. To kill if necessary. Has this affectedy life? Of course, however at some point, me and my sister talked and put this where it belongs. In yesterday.

 

IMHO, you should not share this with your wife. This is something only you and somene who you feel completely safe with should discuss. Look at your post. For god sake man, you fear she may use this against you!! Take the pain on this. YOUR ABUSE AND HER INFIDELITY ARE NOT RELATED.

 

Read that again.

 

Let her fix herself and you fix yourself, Seperate the 2.

 

Strength an Honor

[qubist]

Qubist, I already feel like a anchor has been taken off of my chest by posting this here and telling my therapist. I have been crying on and off for several days and I am trying to come to terms with this. My Mother actually called me this morning after I posted this morning . I am a dutiful son but I do not respect her at all and never let her watch my children. She has tried to make up for the past, but the damage is too great.

BDT, you need to realize that you should be the priority at this moment. stop worrying about everything else. as for your marriage you were gifted a test of how solid it could be if it passes this you and your wife could be the happiest couple. but I have to admit it will be a fail/pass test. listen to your therapist advise and scheduled a joint session. let him break it down for her in way that shows your venerability.

[CarrieT]

BigDaddy, MANY of us are victims of childhood sexual abuse. I am.

 

There is no shame in needing help to work through the issues surrounding it.

 

However, I do not believe you should tell your WW.

 

At some point, when/if you are with a woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with (and *maybe* that will be your WW in the future - maybe lot), then you can open yourself up to that person.

 

But at this time, I don't think there will be anything gained by her knowing, other than giving her ammunition. She can't handle her own mental illness at this time. She won't be able to effectively deal with someone else's problems.

 

You *are* a survivor so I have no doubt you will come out of this just fine; if not stronger and more together. The same can't be said of her.

 

Take care.