Civil Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 S2B, I hope this is just that this pain is new and It will lessen. It absolutely will. Suppressed stuff will bubble up, but will become less and less toxic as you recognize it for what it is. Agree about LS... paradox. Big advantage that you're able to express yourself. My "homework" was an hour a day with a legal pad, taking on one aspect each week, writing about it, longhand over and over until it's all been said. Not to share, just to do it and trash it. An hour a day, wrenching, then leave the room and look at pictures of my kids. In any sensitive matter, you wouldn't confide in someone you can't entirely trust. No different here. Best taken slowly and with forethought. Our kids are much older than yours, it took time, but by now they know, understand, respect the history. And it's a whole lot. Many parallels, typical clusters. You'd recognize us instantly! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 S2B: While I respect you and your opinion allow me to give you my POV, first of all let's make clear that BDT has nothing to be ashamed of, and his only concern at this moment is to treat himself and sometimes healing will require a big sacrifice and effort. I disagree, this is a huge opportunity to see if his wife really on his side I believe her infidelity and behavior in general was a result of many independent factors but everything that BDT said indicated that she does care for him again BDT has nothing to be ashamed for in fact those women have nore to worry about then BDT, and like I said this will be a test for her she is not the one responsible for his PSTD so this doesn't apply this is exactly what the therapist is trying to achieve, by putting out there to person that knows him the most it will help free his mind from how he sees it, then work toward gaining control Qubist, I truly respect your and S2B views , I will have to figure this out once I am not so emotional. I am going to call my sister today to talk to her but I want to do it in a private setting my wife will not allow me to be alone right now, she knows that somethings bad has happened . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Yes, your therapist is eventually going to tell you to sit in the front row, metaphorically. To do things as if you DO matter and you ARE worthy. Only then can you start to feel it and believe it. He will tell you to make friends. He will tell you to do things that show you matter and are a great person. But doing something you're afraid to do is one of the most important ways to overcome those feelings you have. So, next Sunday, sit in the NEXT to last row. Ok? Just do that one thing for me. And then next week, when you go back to work, take a book with you. At lunchtime, take your sack lunch or buy a lunch to go, and go sit out somewhere public. Take the book, open it, and start reading. See, you'll be facing your fear, but you also have your book as an excuse to not actually have to 'face' anyone. I do it all the time. My book is my protector. I take it with me to go to a movie; go in, sit down, and read my book until the movie starts. Nobody's going to talk to me, I'm reading. But it gets me outside my comfort zone so I start feeling a little more 'worthy' and as valuable as all the people around me. It really does work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 very toxic, because you are pounding the affect of how you would be perceived by others and specially your closed ones. the ones that really love you will not only accept you they would go out of their ways to be beside you Qubist, I no doubt have a lot of work to do on the inside, I tell myself that the outside is done, I am halfway there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 Yes, your therapist is eventually going to tell you to sit in the front row, metaphorically. To do things as if you DO matter and you ARE worthy. Only then can you start to feel it and believe it. He will tell you to make friends. He will tell you to do things that show you matter and are a great person. But doing something you're afraid to do is one of the most important ways to overcome those feelings you have. So, next Sunday, sit in the NEXT to last row. Ok? Just do that one thing for me. And then next week, when you go back to work, take a book with you. At lunchtime, take your sack lunch or buy a lunch to go, and go sit out somewhere public. Take the book, open it, and start reading. See, you'll be facing your fear, but you also have your book as an excuse to not actually have to 'face' anyone. I do it all the time. My book is my protector. I take it with me to go to a movie; go in, sit down, and read my book until the movie starts. Nobody's going to talk to me, I'm reading. But it gets me outside my comfort zone so I start feeling a little more 'worthy' and as valuable as all the people around me. It really does work. Turnera, you actually made me laugh and today that is a tough act to follow. I will move up maybe a pew a week until I sit up front. I will get the book. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I will move up maybe a pew a week until I sit up front. Exactly! That's actually what I had in mind! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 It absolutely will. Suppressed stuff will bubble up, but will become less and less toxic as you recognize it for what it is. Agree about LS... paradox. Big advantage that you're able to express yourself. My "homework" was an hour a day with a legal pad, taking on one aspect each week, writing about it, longhand over and over until it's all been said. Not to share, just to do it and trash it. An hour a day, wrenching, then leave the room and look at pictures of my kids. In any sensitive matter, you wouldn't confide in someone you can't entirely trust. No different here. Best taken slowly and with forethought. Our kids are much older than yours, it took time, but by now they know, understand, respect the history. And it's a whole lot. Many parallels, typical clusters. You'd recognize us instantly! Civil, This site is where I do my homework I can't have any down time at home for now. I do look at my children's pictures and they always pick me up. I also have a golden retriever that follows me around my house. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Ooh! Take your golden retriever on your road trip tomorrow! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 All: Thankyou for being here for me and giving me such thoughtful and kind responses. I am completely drained today and I cannot stop shaking, I don't know why. I am going to take a break and will check in tomorrow . Thanks LS 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 BigdaddyT You have been violated to a great degree and you were completely innocent. You were preyed upon by pure evil! Your attitude and actions as describe in this thread are OUTSTANDING!! I am very much impressed by you and see a mountain of strength in you! Yes I know you are so shaken that you can barely stand, but you have endured and even have helped your children. I am more impressed by people that still do good things when they have been hit with some of the worse events in life yet they still are good, than I am with the strong person who does good. You can trust a hurt man that does well because he has been tested by fire and found to be good at his lowest point. Now take this truth without you looking for what you have done that is not so good. You do not have a real good image of yourself because of what you have been through so stay away from those thoughts about what you feel you did not do well because they will be exaggerated in your mind. You are a good man and your actions have proved that! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 You could also take some ZZZquil and just sleep for the next two days. I'll bet your body could use it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) Bigdaddyt sorry to have read about the abuse you endured when you were young. I'm glad that you are finally able to express that this horribleness happened to you. That in itself is a huge step towards working through it. In sixth grade a friend confided in a few of us that he was abused by a teacher at his previous school and an ex of mine told me of her abuse as well. Talking about it does help. You were a child, the actions of the adult who did that to you were beyond your control and understanding. What happened to you isn't a reflection on who you are or your worth. It's not a reason for anyone to judge you or something that you should feel ashamed of. I know the above may not be easy to accept and internalize but accept it as an absolute truth and fact. So you have issues and are a little f***ed up, that's okay. Continue to work through this with your therapist. Accept that this happened to you, cry, scream, puke, shout, get angry, do what yu need to do, don't bury and hide from it. Confide in people you feel 'safe' with if you can, like close friends or family. It will take time but you will eventually be fine, better. You'll breathe like you've never breathed before. With regard to telling your wife, I'm not sure you should. She hasn't earned and demonstrated herself capable and worthy of you being able to confide this in her. She's not all that together at the moment and her behaviour, infidelity and the (possible?) divorce are already enough to condend with, for you and her both. Your well-being should be your top priority, so focus on yourself and your healing. Edited October 2, 2015 by World's.Edge 4 Link to post Share on other sites
farsidejunky Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Turnera, Thankyou for your suggestions with the letter to my therapist , I never would have told her. I should have taken today off of work, but I just can't be away. Things will go to hell if I am not here, I will have to reread everyone's post again later I am really out of it today. Spoken like a true knight in shining armor. BDT, you have to be able to lay things down at times. Even if it is for a short time. As for what you have revealed, I am sorry brother. Nobody should have to ever deal with that. That you have become the man you are is a testament to your character and strength. That is also shown in you gutting it out and revealing it. As for direction? I think your therapist has the best view of things. I would follow her advice carefully. BDT, you are doing great. I want to give you one more word of caution. Don't fall into the trap of allowing your emotions to believe that disclosing this will somehow fix your wife. Your history has nothing to do with her behavior. It is a common nice guy problem to believe that if we fix ourselves, it will fix our partner. Please...please...see that clearly, brother. Continuing to pray for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 No one is going to blame you for your childhood sexual abuse. You blame you because you think you caused it or you should have stopped it. None of that is true. I know many CSA survivorors believe this. It is why therapy is so important. Finding a group of others who have survived this and join it. You will find it a place to talk about it with others who know and feel like you do. The more you talk about it the less weight it has on you. If you feel safe telling your wife, meaning she will be there for you and keep it to herself, then do so. I don't think it is a good idea right now due to how she was talking about you to her friends not long ago, but that is me. Tell someone you are really close to, maybe a sibling? They won't judge you. Nor should anyone else. You will not loose your children over it. You have not abused them in any way,shape, or form. I am so sorry you are reliving this nightmare. ( hugs) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 , BDT you can not afford to have you STBX in your life right now. I will sometimes agree with the "reconciliation all the time, pillows and tissues, try to forgive your ws" posters, but why in the world with all that is going on should you have to deal with a seriel cheater. The only person you need to be concerned with right now is you. Why on earth is your "STBX" clinging to you? Get the hell out of there. Truly you have a problem of abandonment if you think this one is your saviour. Look at the damage these 2 have done to you. One is dead and the other should be long gone. You dont need a weekend break. You need a PERMANENT break. If (when) you start healing yourself and are on the way to recovery, and something goes down with your "not yet divorced wife", (and it will) it may break you. Can you really afford that? Is it really worth the risk to your mental health? The idea that you should deal with your own issues, while simultaneously dealing with a severely damaged individual is ridiculous. You are going to fall. And you are going to fall hard. This is wayyy yo much for any man to handle. Stop trying to be superhero and save yourself. Its time to take care of BDT and only BDT and his children. Buckle up. Your damage is deep. Its time to work on burying the past and that includes ALL of your past. You can do this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 All: I called my sister last night on my way home from work to talk about our past life. She knew a great deal more about my situation then I thought and said that Frankenswine (our name for our Stepfather) would come into the bathroom when she was in the shower and pull the curtain back to look at her. She also said that she told our Mother who was so battered that she would just get a crazy scared look on her face, like a deer in the headlights look. Our Mother would just dismiss this as her imagination or she was mistaken. She also said that she told a minister and his wife that lived near us and they offered to take her in and actually approached our Mother and tried to get her to give her to them to raise. I told her some of my details and she said that I need to go to counseling and that I need to tell my Wife about this immediately. I sat my wife down and told her about my conversation about how my sister claimed that Frankenswine tried to molest her as a child and my wife asked me if I thought that it was true, I told her that I know that it is true becuase he molested me for years. I went into some detail and this cuased my wife to cry and tell me that she is so sorry. I told her that I didn't tell her becuase I was too ashamed and afraid that she would look at me as if I were a monster. She said that I am the kindest and most decent person that she has every known and she said that my life with her has proven this. She appologized for her past and said that this explains so much to her and that we will work together to get through this. I received good counsel for exposing this to her and not, I just went with my gut and told her. I am going to spend the day with her and my children I will update again on Sunday or Monday. Thanks for your support and prayers. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 it would have been better had you worked on yourself before getting married but you were never at fault, you didn't know any better you needed a relationship and at that time your wife was an ideal choice. you need to get this out of your mind, I wish I can drive to your house pick both of you up and take you both to the therapist today. your therapist will explain to her do not worry about it. believe me the second you let it all out you would be like WTF I'm relieved. you also find out how much she really loves you. if she does she would help you Qubist, You are a very kind and decent person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 My wife went to the grocery store and I have a minute. My wife has been extremely kind and loving to me and she is constantly hugging me and reassurring me how much she loves me. She told me that she is going to make sure that I know how much I am loved. My Mother facetimed my wife and I this morning and she was hysterical crying and trying to tell me how much she loves me. This is not the norm, I guess my Sister told her and knowing my Sister she wasn't gentle about it. I had asked her not to say anything to anyone about this. I trusted her not to say anything becuase we are close. She is an ER nurse at CHOP so I can't get ahold of her today to ask her. My Mother loves to spread bad news and this would be very tough for me to live with. I dont know if I should ask my Mother if my Sister gave her this information or just continue to ride this storm out. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 My wife went to the grocery store and I have a minute. My wife has been extremely kind and loving to me and she is constantly hugging me and reassurring me how much she loves me. She told me that she is going to make sure that I know how much I am loved. My Mother facetimed my wife and I this morning and she was hysterical crying and trying to tell me how much she loves me. This is not the norm, I guess my Sister told her and knowing my Sister she wasn't gentle about it. I had asked her not to say anything to anyone about this. I trusted her not to say anything becuase we are close. She is an ER nurse at CHOP so I can't get ahold of her today to ask her. My Mother loves to spread bad news and this would be very tough for me to live with. I dont know if I should ask my Mother if my Sister gave her this information or just continue to ride this storm out. unless you know for sure she knows do not even talk to her. relax and have fun. as crazy as this may sound your wife is your way out of this mess, she is the most willing to help at this moment 2 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Qubist, You are a very kind and decent person. thanks BDT, you are a good man too and once you pass this ordeal you will be even better 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted October 3, 2015 Author Share Posted October 3, 2015 unless you know for sure she knows do not even talk to her. relax and have fun. as crazy as this may sound your wife is your way out of this mess, she is the most willing to help at this moment Qubist, My Wife has really stepped up to the plate on this and if it lasts we will reconcile. I am too hurt to fight everything together. I know in my heart that my Sister went against my wishes and told my Mother ,I just know, my gut tells me. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 don't forget to contact and reassure those who are involved. reassure your mom your getting help via counseling. no need to cause undue stress. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I wouldn't tell your wife. She has things to fix for herself and I don't trust her not to use this information to hurt you down the line. Then you'd truly regret telling her and there will be nothing you can do about it. I dont believe she'd keep your confidence on the matter either. I just don't see her as a safe partner. I'm sorry but a lot of what she's said in the past, makes her sound so entiltled. A lot of her current state is not wanting anyone else to have you and that is driving her crazy. If you hadn't filed, nothing would have changed with her. I'm sorry you went through this and suspected from some of what you said that this was the case. It hasn't defined who you are so far and it doesn't have to in the future. Continue with the therapist, but she can drop asking you to tell your wife. Had your wife been loving , faithful and respectful, then I'd absolutely agree you should tell her - but she's not trustworthy and I wouldn't share such information with someone that I wasn't 100% sure (in as much as their actions showed me) had my back. A big hug to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I don't completely understand how your past, which you have been aware of the whole time, has facilitated a complete 180 degree change in heart about HER cheating? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Hmmmmmm. You need to be vigilant. You've been through a lot. Zebras don't change their stripes easily. I suspect she realized what's coming at her and she's trying to keep her lifestyle. Time will tell very quickly on this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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