Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[qubist]

Qubist, After all these years past this, it now seems like yesterday . I am at fault for not fixing this and not telling my wife before we married. She probably would not have married me. I would be opposed to my children getting involved with someone with a similar past.

it would have been better had you worked on yourself before getting married but you were never at fault, you didn't know any better you needed a relationship and at that time your wife was an ideal choice. you need to get this out of your mind, I wish I can drive to your house pick both of you up and take you both to the therapist today. your therapist will explain to her do not worry about it. believe me the second you let it all out you would be like WTF I'm relieved. you also find out how much she really loves you. if she does she would help you

[aliveagain]

I am terrified to tell my Wife, it would kill me if she was disgusted by me or she told my In Laws or God forbid my Children.

 

This is why it is important you decide if it is divorce or reconciliation that you want because your marriage didn't have the truth it needed to survive. If you choose the marriage then being vulnerable to the one you love is part of that, but you need to be able to trust that person with the knowledge.

[Bigdaddyt]

it would have been better had you worked on yourself before getting married but you were never at fault, you didn't know any better you needed a relationship and at that time your wife was an ideal choice. you need to get this out of your mind, I wish I can drive to your house pick both of you up and take you both to the therapist today. your therapist will explain to her do not worry about it. believe me the second you let it all out you would be like WTF I'm relieved. you also find out how much she really loves you. if she does she would help you

 

Qubist, I already feel like a anchor has been taken off of my chest by posting this here and telling my therapist. I have been crying on and off for several days and I am trying to come to terms with this. My Mother actually called me this morning after I posted this morning . I am a dutiful son but I do not respect her at all and never let her watch my children. She has tried to make up for the past, but the damage is too great.

[Bigdaddyt]

This is why it is important you decide if it is divorce or reconciliation that you want because your marriage didn't have the truth it needed to survive. If you choose the marriage then being vulnerable to the one you love is part of that, but you need to be able to trust that person with the knowledge.

 

Alive, My wife's reaction to my secret will be my deciding factor. Right now she is being the model wife and friend to me. I pray it lasts.

[66Charger]

BDT, I share a similar past. While it was not me, I witnessed it and put a stop to it at the age of 15. I still remember the silent scream. The fear. Like you, I trained myself to protect. To kill if necessary. Has this affectedy life? Of course, however at some point, me and my sister talked and put this where it belongs. In yesterday.

 

IMHO, you should not share this with your wife. This is something only you and somene who you feel completely safe with should discuss. Look at your post. For god sake man, you fear she may use this against you!! Take the pain on this. YOUR ABUSE AND HER INFIDELITY ARE NOT RELATED.

 

Read that again.

 

Let her fix herself and you fix yourself, Seperate the 2.

 

Strength an Honor

[qubist]

Qubist, I already feel like a anchor has been taken off of my chest by posting this here and telling my therapist. I have been crying on and off for several days and I am trying to come to terms with this. My Mother actually called me this morning after I posted this morning . I am a dutiful son but I do not respect her at all and never let her watch my children. She has tried to make up for the past, but the damage is too great.

BDT, you need to realize that you should be the priority at this moment. stop worrying about everything else. as for your marriage you were gifted a test of how solid it could be if it passes this you and your wife could be the happiest couple. but I have to admit it will be a fail/pass test. listen to your therapist advise and scheduled a joint session. let him break it down for her in way that shows your venerability.

[CarrieT]

BigDaddy, MANY of us are victims of childhood sexual abuse. I am.

 

There is no shame in needing help to work through the issues surrounding it.

 

However, I do not believe you should tell your WW.

 

At some point, when/if you are with a woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with (and *maybe* that will be your WW in the future - maybe lot), then you can open yourself up to that person.

 

But at this time, I don't think there will be anything gained by her knowing, other than giving her ammunition. She can't handle her own mental illness at this time. She won't be able to effectively deal with someone else's problems.

 

You *are* a survivor so I have no doubt you will come out of this just fine; if not stronger and more together. The same can't be said of her.

 

Take care.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, I share a similar past. While it was not me, I witnessed it and put a stop to it at the age of 15. I still remember the silent scream. The fear. Like you, I trained myself to protect. To kill if necessary. Has this affectedy life? Of course, however at some point, me and my sister talked and put this where it belongs. In yesterday.

 

IMHO, you should not share this with your wife. This is something only you and somene who you feel completely safe with should discuss. Look at your post. For god sake man, you fear she may use this against you!! Take the pain on this. YOUR ABUSE AND HER INFIDELITY ARE NOT RELATED.

 

Read that again.

 

Let her fix herself and you fix yourself, Seperate the 2.

 

Strength an Honor

 

66, I am afraid to discuss this with my siblings, what if they weren't abused. I do believe that my oldest sister was becuase of how she is today. My past and wifes infidelity are two separate things , but I know me being so damaged cuased a lot of this. I also stopped my own abuse once I got older and stronger. My abuser died from a massive heart attack when I was in my early teens.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, you need to realize that you should be the priority at this moment. stop worrying about everything else. as for your marriage you were gifted a test of how solid it could be if it passes this you and your wife could be the happiest couple. but I have to admit it will be a fail/pass test. listen to your therapist advise and scheduled a joint session. let him break it down for her in way that shows your venerability.

 

Qubist, I agree, this is possibly one of the lowest points in my crazy life. I am undecided if I should tell my Wife. I will probably wait until the weekend is over to decide.

[Bigdaddyt]

BigDaddy, MANY of us are victims of childhood sexual abuse. I am.

 

There is no shame in needing help to work through the issues surrounding it.

 

However, I do not believe you should tell your WW.

 

At some point, when/if you are with a woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with (and *maybe* that will be your WW in the future - maybe lot), then you can open yourself up to that person.

 

But at this time, I don't think there will be anything gained by her knowing, other than giving her ammunition. She can't handle her own mental illness at this time. She won't be able to effectively deal with someone else's problems.

 

You *are* a survivor so I have no doubt you will come out of this just fine; if not stronger and more together. The same can't be said of her.

 

Take care.

 

CarrieT, When I was 8 I tried to hang myself becuase my abuse was more than I could bare. I tied a rope to a beam in the basement and jumped off of a chair. There must be a God becuase the rope broke.

Edited October 2, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[Bigdaddyt]

BigDaddy, MANY of us are victims of childhood sexual abuse. I am.

 

There is no shame in needing help to work through the issues surrounding it.

 

However, I do not believe you should tell your WW.

 

At some point, when/if you are with a woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with (and *maybe* that will be your WW in the future - maybe lot), then you can open yourself up to that person.

 

But at this time, I don't think there will be anything gained by her knowing, other than giving her ammunition. She can't handle her own mental illness at this time. She won't be able to effectively deal with someone else's problems.

 

You *are* a survivor so I have no doubt you will come out of this just fine; if not stronger and more together. The same can't be said of her.

 

Take care.

 

CarrieT, I originally thought that you said that you were a survivor as well, but I am such a mess today that I thought that I made a mistake. I am glad that you survived.

[Bigdaddyt]

BigDaddy, MANY of us are victims of childhood sexual abuse. I am.

 

There is no shame in needing help to work through the issues surrounding it.

 

However, I do not believe you should tell your WW.

 

At some point, when/if you are with a woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with (and *maybe* that will be your WW in the future - maybe lot), then you can open yourself up to that person.

 

But at this time, I don't think there will be anything gained by her knowing, other than giving her ammunition. She can't handle her own mental illness at this time. She won't be able to effectively deal with someone else's problems.

 

You *are* a survivor so I have no doubt you will come out of this just fine; if not stronger and more together. The same can't be said of her.

 

Take care.

 

CarrieT, how did you get past your abuse? Did the pain ever go away?

[GorillaTheater]

CarrieT, When I was 8 I tried to hang myself becuase my abuse was more than I could bare. I tied a rope to a beam in the basement and jumped off of a chair. There must be a God becuase the rope broke.

 

BDT, I have got f*cking tears in my eyes reading this. I am so, so sorry you went through this.

 

You probably know this at one level, but I'm not sure you do at another: you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Absolutely nothing. Please don't let the lies of false, toxic shame control any aspect of your life.

[S2B]

I am an adult,childhood sexual abuse survivor. I said it; it has taken my WWs infidelity to push me over the edge and bring this up; that which I had hoped would stay buried forever. I guess a lot of readers probably figured it out ahead of time, but it is what it is. Donot judge me; I have hated myself for years because of this. I was very young and did not want this to happen and I could not prevent it, I was alone with no one to protect me. I will not go into detail. I have tried to suppress this and never allow it out, but my pending divorce, wife illness and family upset caused me to have a meltdown and it just showed its ugly head. I have never told anyone because of the stigma attached to this. People believe that if you are abused you become an abuser;much like being bitten by a werewolf you become one. That is not the case with me; I am a good and moral person, just a little F__ked up, or maybe a lot.

 

I went to a counselor that specializes in this and I was too ashamed to tell her face to face, so I took Turnera’s advice and wrote it down on paper and handed it to her ahead of our scheduled appointment, even then I almost didn’t give it to her. This has affected me so much over the years thatI know it was part of my marriage’s failure. After my session with my counselor,I was physically ill and throwing up. The counselor told me that I need to tellmy wife about this and we can do it during a joint session. I told her that wasnot going to happen and that I am never going to tell anyone else about this. Isat in my car until I got myself together and went home. I checked myself outin the mirror before I went in to my house to face the WW and Family. I thought that I looked and was acting normal. The first words from my WW were: “What is wrong?” I told her nothing, that I am just upset about are life and how everything has turned out. She didn’t believe me and told the boys to go outside and play basketball. She was truly concerned for me and was her oldself. She pressed me for an answer, I said that I wasn’t feeling well and wasgoing to bed early; which was the truth.

I woke up an hour or so later and my WW was sitting on thebed looking at me with the lights on, she was holding my hand. She told me thatI was screaming and talking in my sleep and that she is afraid for me. I liedagain and told her that it was just from all of the stress of everything thatis hitting me at once. I am not a very good liar. She has been very clingy and would not leave me alone. She knows me well enough to know that something is seriously wrong. She is coming to my work to check on me and has called my brothers and sisters to talk to them about meand seek advice.

 

How this has this affected me? I suffer from PTSD from my abuse and will not tolerate any man to threaten or place their hands on me. I have trained my body over the years and I am extremely strong, weight training and martial arts, so no one can harm me. I have always needed to be in a relationship with a woman (cling to women); I cannot stand to be alone. I have always gone from one relationship to another; some of my relationships were not healthy ones, I was involved with a much older woman (40s) in my late teens. I do not have a lot of men friends the ones that I do have we are very close.

 

My Wife made me feel safe and now her infidelity has taken my safe place away from me. I do not sleep very well and I wake up a lot at night and when I travel I always leave the TV on. I trigger when I watch certain TV shows and I have to walk out ofthe room. I cannot watch them (toxic shame). I cannot eat by myself in arestaurant, when I am traveling I always get room service.

 

I am crazy protective of my children and I never let them out of my sight and I never allowed anyone to watch them, but my wife’s mother or my sisters. This caused us marital issues with us not going out as often as we should have. When my children go out with their friends, Iwould go out and check on them and have find my phone on their phones to track them. I was at a Cub Scout event with my middle son years ago when one of theother kid’s fathers yelled at my son and grabbed him for roughhousing prior tothe meeting; I snapped and grabbed him by the throat. He was terrified, he apologized for grabbing my son, but the other fathers never looked at me thesame again. They were all Doctors, Lawyers and executives and this type ofreaction is out of the norm for them.

I left the Catholic Church during the asexual abuse scandal,I just couldn’t bear to be around this, I never told my wife the reason why.( noneof my abusers were priests) This caused us significant marital problems for us,in that my Wife loved the Catholic Church being a good Catholic girl.

 

What does this have to do with infidelity? My Mothers motherwas a cheater and left my Mother and her Brother and my Grandfather and gotpregnant by a POSOM that I knew as my (step) Grandfather. My Mother and Uncle were abandoned by Grandmother for several years before she came back and gotthem. This damaged my Mother so much that she was unable to function in thereal world and herself became a victim of many POSOM’s, one of which was my primary abuser.

 

I guess I don’t know how to move forward from this, my past has got me again and I can’t bear to have it brought to the forefront and Idon’t want people to know about it or think badly of me. I have worked so hard to get where I am at today. My counselor said that she is not a strong supporter of LS for emotional support and advice,but advised me that since I am already on here that it may help me to post itso that I will be better able to discuss this in front of other people,including my wife. I posted it here because I feel safe enough to say it now from the cover anonymity. My question to this forum is do you think that I truly need to tell this to my Wife about this? She does know about my abusephysical and mental, but not in detail. I would like to keep it secret and work with my counselor in private. BDT

 

I think you can work on this in private. There's really not one reason to tell your WW - as she's not been well and she's not been thinking primarily of your well being for this recent past.

 

It's only YOU who can change the meaning you assigned to the events when you were younger. Much as you can't fix things for your wife = she can't fix things for you.

 

 

That violent physical (sick) reaction...it's healthy and normal in the process of 'getting it out' and getting things moving in the right direction.

 

 

You can overcome your FOO and change things completely for yourself. I don't think telling your WW would help. She's been in the 'abuser' role for many years (making you her victim) - no need to offer her your chin to take a swing at, right? No need to offer HER details that should only be shared when you feel safe and protected. She isn't the person to feel safe and protected with. If you do, you are reigniting that scenario of when you were a kid. Do NOT put yourself in the position of trusting her...she has NOT earned your trust!

 

Keep it within yourself and the counselor! Let go of ALL your assigned meaning - when you are ready. Some forms of letting go are useful exercises. Such as:

 

 

Art therapy - draw out chalk pictures on a sidewalk so you get it out of your head. Wash it "away" when finished.

 

Put the anger on rocks and hurl them over the cliff or throw them into the ocean - saying out loud what you're letting go of.

 

Play with a hula hoop! It's very methodical but represents never allowing others into our own personal space!

 

I have many useful exercises like these that signify "letting go".

 

 

Consider taking action to reveal the perpetrator to authorities. He/She certainly has more victims that were affected. Have your PI do a back ground search to see if the person is living. You can consider gaining YOUR power back by addressing the perpetrator either directly or indirectly to have a voice to speak YOUR truth.

 

 

No wonder you overlooked her abusing you - it was your normal that someone treat you terribly. No more!!! Everything need to change - including your perspective and your truth. That happens with "contrary behavior" and you are off to a good start.

 

I commend you - this is difficult - but I can tell you = IT IS SO WORTH IT! Sift through the crap. Toss out what doesn't work for you - and begin to set NEW guidelines that work for YOU and only YOU!

 

 

I refer to it as "weeding the garden"! I can't grow beautiful flowers if tge crappy weeds have taken over...so I extricate all the crap and make room in my head for love! Room for loving people, loving behavior and room to grow and learn by putting my past in the past.

 

 

I am sending you positive energy for today! You are doing great - just KEEP moving forward!!! No running backwards!!!!!!

 

 

You can't make the past different but you can unleash the hold it's had on you mentally and emotionally.

 

 

When it affects you physically (which is normal when throwing up all the violent past) - it's best to lay and cry as long as you can. Get it OUT...set it free.

 

Then get busy living and being happy!

[turnera]

BDT: I so sorry you are at this state. I have dealt with people with severe PTSD and I think your therapist is right you need 1 thing in your life at this moment more than anything else, stability . I believe telling your wife about your past will take a huge burden of your shoulder and help give you the much needed stability. You feel embarrassment about it but you really shouldn't. The hardest thing about people with PTSD is getting them to trust their therapist especially at the beginning but once they start they feel better, you too my friend you will feel better. You must forget everything that's bothered you now including your wife's issues and focus on you

I think it will also make many many things clear to her as to things you may have done in the past that she may have construed as just stubborn or wrong (like babysitters; can't blame you; my neighbor's two boys were abused by a babysitter - from their church!).

 

It might bring her closer to you, most definitely it will make her more understanding and thoughtful and wanting to help you even. Right now, I think that would be a benefit for you.

 

I know that, from your skewed perspective, you think people would think badly of you if they knew. So please listen to me: you do not have the proper background to make that analysis. Your belief when it comes to that is WRONG. I don't know a SINGLE person, ever, in my life who has known about an abuse survivor and thought anything bad about the VICTIM! Not a single person! Universally, when people hear about it, they feel bad FOR you, not about you. So, for now, until you get more therapy, please trust me on this: telling your wife will soften her heart, not harden it. AND it will help her understand who you are, what you want, what you do.

 

It's like a dog dressing up like a human, and people (if it were possible) believing he's a human, and telling him don't be a bum, go get a job! I know, crazy example, but you know what I mean. If people don't understand who you truly are, especially about something that so completely permeates everything about who you are, they will not, cannot, interact with you accurately. Does that make sense? Like those guys at the scouts, if you'd been able to tell them at that time WHY you were so hyperactive about it, they wouldn't have looked at you strangely; they would have understood why you did it, commiserated with you, and you would have ended up friends, instead.

 

So yes, I hope you will tell her. Write it out and hand it to her. Tell her you're finally getting help for it and part of your treatment is to let her know. That is alll. You're not asking anything from her; just informing her as part of your therapy.

 

I think it will make a huge difference.

 

Oh, and btw, it's not true that 'everyone' thinks that an abused child grows up to be an abuser. So, another false truth you have to get out of your head.

 

Anyway, I am really really proud of you.

[turnera]

Qubist, After all these years past this, it now seems like yesterday . I am at fault for not fixing this and not telling my wife before we married. She probably would not have married me. I would be opposed to my children getting involved with someone with a similar past.

Why? DID you grow up to be an abuser?

 

Of course not.

 

Your mistake is thinking the victim is the bad guy. He's not. He's just a victim from a time when he couldn't defend himself (and his mother failed to protect him).

 

The abuser is the bad guy.

[Civil]

You have to refocus. The only shame is all, all on the adults who were supposed to love and protect you. All of it. You know this. And you know you're not alone.

 

In one sense, yes, your therapist may be shocked. So many kids who go through less than you did are just lost, but you overcame incredible odds, educated yourself, succeeded in a career and became a responsible parent. For one thing, especially given your career (two plants? ten times as complicated) you have to have very highly developed cognitive abilities and problem solving skills. Admit that. Tell your therapist about your strengths as well.

 

Did you give her the letter? She's heard this, understands it and has stuff you need to hear, now. Did she outline an approach to relieve the PTSD symptoms, ways to build up some immunity, ways to manage the memories?

[turnera]

CarrieT, When I was 8 I tried to hang myself becuase my abuse was more than I could bare. I tied a rope to a beam in the basement and jumped off of a chair. There must be a God becuase the rope broke.

{{{hugs}}}

 

That's me virtually hugging you.

 

My heart breaks for that poor child.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, I have got f*cking tears in my eyes reading this. I am so, so sorry you went through this.

 

You probably know this at one level, but I'm not sure you do at another: you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Absolutely nothing. Please don't let the lies of false, toxic shame control any aspect of your life.

 

GT, Sorry, I didn't put this out for dramatic effect, this stuff long buried is coming out. I am shaking as I write this . I wi get it together , I morn for the child that was lost, but I survived and became a strong man.

[turnera]

btw, there's no rush in telling your wife, if you do so. And if you do it, you probably will want to do it in front of the therapist. And if you end up not reconciling, no reason to tell her.

[turnera]

GT, Sorry, I didn't put this out for dramatic effect, this stuff long buried is coming out. I am shaking as I write this . I wi get it together , I morn for the child that was lost, but I survived and became a strong man.

Ok, I am NOT ragging on you, but I'm trying to help you start seeing where your toxic shame skews your perspective. Have you started reading that book I think I told you about? Healing The Shame That Binds You?

 

When GT told you about the tears, it wasn't to 'blame' you for making it happen. It was to commiserate with you, let you know that we care about you and support you and hurt for you.

 

Do you see that? Nobody thought 'gee, what a drama queen.' That's your toxic shame talking.

[S2B]

66, I am afraid to discuss this with my siblings, what if they weren't abused. I do believe that my oldest sister was becuase of how she is today. My past and wifes infidelity are two separate things , but I know me being so damaged cuased a lot of this. I also stopped my own abuse once I got older and stronger. My abuser died from a massive heart attack when I was in my early teens.

 

I'm seeing the perpetrator died. So your process of letting this go without directly approaching him/her is off the table.

 

You can still address this "in your mind;for YOUR own resolve" - write the perpetrator a letter; say everything you need to say. Then burn it which aignifies it disappearing and allowing yourself to be set free.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I want to thank everyone for your kindness and support. I truly feared that I would be looked down on for my past abuse. Stupid I know my abuser f--ked with my mind so badly That I was this horrible demon seed that deserved to be perpetually punished. Everyone is right that this was too big to bury.

[qubist]

I don't want to sound like I'm disrespecting those who think BDT should not tell his wife, but the therapist was right when she said that LS was bad idea. majority of people do not know much about PSTD's biggest obstacle which is the burden that the effected person feels when they are afraid to either hurt their loved ones or let their lives pass by, the therapist must have seen that confessing to the wife will help getting that first crucial step.

BDT, with all respect to everyone here, you gotta follow what your therapist is suggesting

[Bigdaddyt]

I think you can work on this in private. There's really not one reason to tell your WW - as she's not been well and she's not been thinking primarily of your well being for this recent past.

 

It's only YOU who can change the meaning you assigned to the events when you were younger. Much as you can't fix things for your wife = she can't fix things for you.

 

 

That violent physical (sick) reaction...it's healthy and normal in the process of 'getting it out' and getting things moving in the right direction.

 

 

You can overcome your FOO and change things completely for yourself. I don't think telling your WW would help. She's been in the 'abuser' role for many years (making you her victim) - no need to offer her your chin to take a swing at, right? No need to offer HER details that should only be shared when you feel safe and protected. She isn't the person to feel safe and protected with. If you do, you are reigniting that scenario of when you were a kid. Do NOT put yourself in the position of trusting her...she has NOT earned your trust!

 

Keep it within yourself and the counselor! Let go of ALL your assigned meaning - when you are ready. Some forms of letting go are useful exercises. Such as:

 

 

Art therapy - draw out chalk pictures on a sidewalk so you get it out of your head. Wash it "away" when finished.

 

Put the anger on rocks and hurl them over the cliff or throw them into the ocean - saying out loud what you're letting go of.

 

Play with a hula hoop! It's very methodical but represents never allowing others into our own personal space!

 

I have many useful exercises like these that signify "letting go".

 

 

Consider taking action to reveal the perpetrator to authorities. He/She certainly has more victims that were affected. Have your PI do a back ground search to see if the person is living. You can consider gaining YOUR power back by addressing the perpetrator either directly or indirectly to have a voice to speak YOUR truth.

 

 

No wonder you overlooked her abusing you - it was your normal that someone treat you terribly. No more!!! Everything need to change - including your perspective and your truth. That happens with "contrary behavior" and you are off to a good start.

 

I commend you - this is difficult - but I can tell you = IT IS SO WORTH IT! Sift through the crap. Toss out what doesn't work for you - and begin to set NEW guidelines that work for YOU and only YOU!

 

 

I refer to it as "weeding the garden"! I can't grow beautiful flowers if tge crappy weeds have taken over...so I extricate all the crap and make room in my head for love! Room for loving people, loving behavior and room to grow and learn by putting my past in the past.

 

 

I am sending you positive energy for today! You are doing great - just KEEP moving forward!!! No running backwards!!!!!!

 

 

You can't make the past different but you can unleash the hold it's had on you mentally and emotionally.

 

 

When it affects you physically (which is normal when throwing up all the violent past) - it's best to lay and cry as long as you can. Get it OUT...set it free.

 

Then get busy living and being happy!

 

S2B, I am going to get through this, today is my hardest day yet. I am an amateur artist I like to paint with water colors and Use ink together, I will probably start this again, anything to settle my mind.