Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Sandy43]

I would investigate for a few days before any kind of confrontation, use the VAR in her car and check her phone and iPad. Don't just check for text messages use spotlight search for certain words this will pull up not on,y texts but emails etc. She may be using other apps as well depending on how much time you have with either check in the settings to see all the aps and you can go into safari settings to see what websites she visits.

[turnera]

Drifter, I believe that in the past she didn't believe me but now she does. The children are older and I am financially secure, I know that she will have to drastically change her life style if we divorce and she knows this. I am not going to be cuckolded again. I am making my way through life and had to learn to adapt as I went along, my brother and sisters and I were all basically feral children growing up. I have learned by watching others who I admired in life not my family.

Are you setting up a therapist? I recommend it being a marriage counselor who also works singly - go there together and explain what the real problem is - her needing to flirt with men - and after a few sessions, bow out and let her use it as her personal therapy. Her behavior is NEVER going to magically stop, unless she gets into therapy and figures out why she needs to do it.

 

And I would tell her if she's not willing to go, you're not willing to stay married.

[m.snow]

the truth, you two have different ideologies.

 

she is liberated, you are conservative.

she wants poly, you want mono

 

clearly she wants to swing, to her she did her best to try and swing you to jill but you did not accept.

 

you know why she was angry at you, and called you out on an affair. in her mind you and jill already made it out.(what man cant resist a woman's charms) and she justifies that she was free do whatever.

 

you need to get it out there, does she want an open relationship.

 

when asking her about it, don't say no to it at first so you can really get her to talk.

from then there on you can decide. to stay or leave.

 

careful if you accept that threesome. she will want to do the next with another man.

or maybe she has already done it. we just don't know.

but what you can clearly see is that she is that type of person.

 

she already threatened that if she graduates make her own money she will ramp it up.

Edited August 24, 2015 by m.snow

[S2B]

Alive, I have read and posted on VBM thread, I think that his courage and compassion that he shows is amazing. I need to have time to put this together before I confront her. I will MAN UP and put on my happy face and start to prepare for my confrontation this week. I will speak with an Attorney just to know where I stand. I will have to pay her life time spousal support in my State I already know this.

 

That said I do not want to D unless the truth is too ugly for me to live with or she is unremorseful.

 

 

So now your moving your boundary again?

 

You keep moving it. A boundary is designed to keep you happy, healthy and safe. Moving it the way you are is not going to help you but it will hurt you further.

 

Decide what you want and act on that.

 

You want to stay even though she's cheated (yes, she's cheated at LEAST by what she did with that gal). So you stay and live with it knowing full well she flirts and cheats.

 

Or

 

You divorce her knowing she flirts and cheats and you don't want that as part of your marriage.

 

She's shown you with her actions who she is - believe that's who she is.

 

 

And stop giving her alcohol. Alcohol has proven to be her enemy. She would be wise to never drink alcohol again! You can't change that for her either.

 

She has problems. You can't change her. You have control over what decisions you make moving forward.

 

Choose wisely!

[Sandy43]

How are you doing today? Did you manage to get some sleep?

[Bigdaddyt]

Thanks to everyone for your support. Sandy, I haven’t confronted yet, she came home last night and she was really angry with me andshe told me that she hates her life and is so unhappy. I was stunned and asked her why. She told me that I was emotionally unavailable and that I always have toomuch going on in my head with work and my past life that I do not listen when she or anyone speaks to me. She continued that the boys are out of control and that I am not properly parenting them. She also said that she knows that it is notmy fault because I didn’t have a father, but things have got to change. She was crying and very emotional as we spoke and I told her that whatever has happenedbetween us we can probably fix if we are 100% honest. She also told me she is notsure that she wants to fix us. Ouch! She slept on the couch last night and wasvery distant with me this morning when I left for work. I am going to continue to monitor her activities and look for more evidence before I confront her. No I haven't slept for several days and I didn't go to the gym today maybe this evening if I can.

M. Snow, I am very conservative and she is very liberal, you would have thought that the roles would have been reversed due to the way we were raised. I believe that she did try to get me involved with Jill but I was confused because she acts so jealous when we are out and I was uncertain of what she wanted, she never came out and told me. She is a control freak by theway.

S2B I don’t know what my true boundary is with this mess.If she was with another man, I am gone no second chance. If she tells me thatshe just kissed other men or did anything else with them I am done as well. Ifshe was with Jill and is remorseful then I will probably ask to separate andtry counselling. My focus for now is on my children and myself. Over the weekend I was very distraught however I am no longer in the stunned phase and I am slowly accepting my fate.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[Sandy43]

Her behaviour seems very erratic, you said she kept texting you telling you she loves you and then when she finally returns home she is angry with you? Strange behaviour. I think maybe you should sit down with her and find out exactly what she wants to be 100% honest about. Have you tried to bring up going to a MC? It sounds like she is blame shifting on to you, and the guilt is wearing on her.

[Bigdaddyt]

Sandy, there's no question that my wife's behavior is erratic , I am very concerned for her. I really think that the guilt will consume her and she will end up having a nervous breakdown. I am balancing caring for her and the children. I just feel that there is much more going on than I know.

[Bigdaddyt]

My Wife is always shifting the blame on me for just about everything, God knows that I am far from perfect and I have a lot of baggage that I brought into this relationship, but I really didn't think that I was that bad. I just started pushing back on her for this by being calm and asking direct questions on what I could have done differently and what could she have done.

[aliveagain]

Thanks to everyone for your support. Sandy, I haven’t confronted yet, she came home last night and she was really angry with me andshe told me that she hates her life and is so unhappy. I was stunned and asked her why. She told me that I was emotionally unavailable and that I always have toomuch going on in my head with work and my past life that I do not listen when she or anyone speaks to me. She continued that the boys are out of control and that I am not properly parenting them. She also said that she knows that it is notmy fault because I didn’t have a father, but things have got to change. She was crying and very emotional as we spoke and I told her that whatever has happenedbetween us we can probably fix if we are 100% honest. She also told me she is notsure that she wants to fix us. Ouch! She slept on the couch last night and wasvery distant with me this morning when I left for work. I am going to continue to monitor her activities and look for more evidence before I confront her. No I haven't slept for several days and I didn't go to the gym today maybe this evening if I can.

M. Snow, I am very conservative and she is very liberal, you would have thought that the roles would have been reversed due to the way we were raised. I believe that she did try to get me involved with Jill but I was confused because she acts so jealous when we are out and I was uncertain of what she wanted, she never came out and told me. She is a control freak by theway.

S2B I don’t know what my true boundary is with this mess.If she was with another man, I am gone no second chance. If she tells me thatshe just kissed other men or did anything else with them I am done as well. Ifshe was with Jill and is remorseful then I will probably ask to separate andtry counselling. My focus for now is on my children and myself. Over the weekend I was very distraught however I am no longer in the stunned phase and I am slowly accepting my fate.

 

Cheaters are the most jealous people on the planet, if their doing it you must be too. She knows you suspect something and came at you attacking you in hopes you will back down fearing you will loose her. She is blame shifting and making everything your fault. This is right out of the cheaters handbook, stand your ground. Read up on the 180 and make it your new way of dealing with her. Talk to a lawyer, don't let her control this because she makes very poor decisions when it comes to your relationship. Someone is mentoring her.

[Sandy43]

Has she ever been in IC? Is she open to the idea of either IC or MC? It sounds like she needs to get this out and doesn't know how or is afraid of your reaction.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I did not know this, she can act crazy jealous and monitors my emails and will ask me for my phone to review my messages. I will read the 180. Do other wives monitor their husbands email accounts? She actually has my account on her I phone.

Sandy, I know she feels guilty and told me she wants to go back to church again as a family. I just am getting my thoughts together before I confront her about this.

[happyman64]

BigDaddy

 

 

Can I make a suggestion?

 

 

The next time your wife comes home angry and upset sit her down.

 

 

Make her face you, look you in the eyes and tell her something like this"

 

 

" I always listen to you. In fact I am listening to you right now.

You have my undivided attention.

 

 

Start telling me the truth and I promise I will let you speak until you are finished. No more blame shifting all of your emotions, anger or frustration on me though.

 

 

Now start talking.

 

 

And when you are done talking it will be my turn to ask you a few questions and I want the truth. Not the BS you have been throwing at me for years now."

 

 

Try the direct approach. Call her out on her behavior and her lies.

 

 

Or just sit her down tonight and tell her to start acting like an adult.

 

 

Your wife is acting like someone that is very guilty IMO.

 

 

HM

[ShatteredLady]

The neighbor friend I mentioned earlier now has complete custody of his children because of his wife's behavior...once divorced the 'weirdos' she brought into her & their kids lives just went from bad to worse! Don't assume that you will be paying her for the rest of your life. Push for what's best for your kids.

 

I think your wife is in emotional, mental trouble. I do believe she needs psychological help. It seems like she's completely spiraling out of control. I firmly believe that for a strong marriage your friends need to share your moral boundaries. I bet there are some great faithful couples in Mom's Club who take their marriages & families very seriously. I'd start by getting away from the bad influences that drink way too much & have very different morals & boundaries to you. Also get some serious counciling.

 

Betrayal is agony do deal with but you seem to clearly love your wife. Given the nature of this forum I understand the very hard line that many are advising. Maybe that will be right for you in the long run but I can't shake the feeling that she's self destructing & needs help. I'm sorry if I'm wrong. It seems like alcohol is a huge issue here. Mental breakdowns take all shapes & forms. I share & understand your pain. You've had a very hard life & that pain & suffering probably had a lot to do with your initial bonding with your wife. I'm really not sure that the usual "Dump her & move on" advise is right here.

[elaine567]

Alive, I did not know this, she can act crazy jealous and monitors my emails and will ask me for my phone to review my messages. I will read the 180. Do other wives monitor their husbands email accounts? She actually has my account on her I phone.

Sandy, I know she feels guilty and told me she wants to go back to church again as a family. I just am getting my thoughts together before I confront her about this.

 

Cheaters often believe that their partner is cheating on them.

 

1. The Blame Game

Psychological projection is a really strange human behavior in which a person ascribes flaws to others that they deny possessing. As a result of this twisted reverse psychology, projection also happens to be a great indicator of cheating in a relationship.

For example, if your significant other is all of the sudden accusing you of sneaking around or being untrustworthy, it is probably because they are being deceitful themselves and are paranoid that you will do the same. Make sense?

[Bigdaddyt]

Happy man, I will sit her down and speak with her in a calm and direct fashion. I will do this tonight, I will not push the cheating unless she brings it up. I know her well and her guilt is killing her now. I am going to continue to dig for evidence . I was even thinking of talking to Jill to fing the truth.

[Bigdaddyt]

Shattered Lady, I know that my Wife is spiraling into depression and is failing.i will do whatever it takes to save her. I am very strong and will make my decision on saving my marriage on what is right for me. I have posted this on other threads that only the betrayed can make this choice for themselves. That said I will confront her and choose my life with or without her. I will always be there for my children and I will help my Wife financially. I am currently on the fence at this point.

Elaine, I know that she feels extremely guilty for her actions and is afraid to loose her Family. With all of my issues I am a good husband and Father. Could I be better, yes I have played the hand of cards that God gave me in the game of life and did the best I could.

[elaine567]

Shattered Lady, I know that my Wife is spiraling into depression and is failing.i will do whatever it takes to save her. I am very strong and will make my decision on saving my marriage on what is right for me. I have posted this on other threads that only the betrayed can make this choice for themselves. That said I will confront her and choose my life with or without her. I will always be there for my children and I will help my Wife financially. I am currently on the fence at this point.

 

Get her to a doctor and therapist ASAP.

Women in this situation are sometimes known to commit suicide.

A BS who posted here, had a WW that eventually committed suicide.

Take it very seriously.

[aliveagain]

Alive, I did not know this, she can act crazy jealous and monitors my emails and will ask me for my phone to review my messages. I will read the 180. Do other wives monitor their husbands email accounts? She actually has my account on her I phone.

Sandy, I know she feels guilty and told me she wants to go back to church again as a family. I just am getting my thoughts together before I confront her about this.

 

My ex wouldn't let me hire a secretary without her approval, if she was intelligent and pretty it was an automatic no. She went through my cloths every night, dug through my car and often asked me the same question about my day in different ways in hopes I would screw up on my answer. She was the one in a two year affair, she had O/M's affair child and passed him off as mine. Cheaters cheat and lie and they are the most jealous people on the planet.

[Bigdaddyt]

Elaine, I am aware of the possibility and I will not be harsh with her when I do confront her. I will speak to her Doctor this week and maybe take her there for a visit. If I divorce my wife I will do so as easily as possible.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, my wife does the same thing with me going though my clothes and car . She hates my Office Manager and she is 60. I just thought that she was insecure. My wife will also make sure that we have sex before I travel on business. She also was always accusing me of having affairs.

[Bigdaddyt]

It just dawned on me that before the hot tub incident my Wife told me that her Gynocologist asked her if she thought her husband was sleeping around, because one of her tests came back with some sort of positive reading. I have never cheated and I told her so. I guess she was covering her tracks.

[elaine567]

It just dawned on me that before the hot tub incident my Wife told me that her Gynocologist asked her if she thought her husband was sleeping around, because one of her tests came back with some sort of positive reading. I have never cheated and I told her so. I guess she was covering her tracks.

 

What test was positive and were you treated for it at the time?

 

Did it not occur to you that if you knew YOU weren't cheating, then it had to come from somewhere else?

[aliveagain]

Alive, my wife does the same thing with me going though my clothes and car . She hates my Office Manager and she is 60. I just thought that she was insecure. My wife will also make sure that we have sex before I travel on business. She also was always accusing me of having affairs.

 

As different as every person is, their behaviour can be very predictable when it comes to cheating, we've all seen it here a 1000 times. This is why we always see red flags you might be missing or overlook. We know to look through their old jacket pockets in the back of the closet or rolled up socks in the back of their sock drawer for a burner phone. We know about their weekend bag with a change of cloths in the trunk of their car. We know they hide O/M's name under a girls name on their phone. Their always having to work late or have to go to work early to catch up or their going to visit a friend who's sick or having problems for the weekend. They always confide in a friend/family member who acts as an alibi for them. We hear these same things on here over and over and over again. Different cheaters, same behaviour.

[Bigdaddyt]

Elaine, I did get tested and was negative, I told my wife who minimized what her Doctor said. I just thought it was odd, now I know it was her guilt and she was trying make me doubt myself.